[未归类] mood10-05的作文，这次写的还蛮认真的 [复制链接]

janicesa
UID：2686243

高级会员

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 32
寄托币: 1056
注册时间: 2009-8-21
精华: 0
帖子: 68

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2009-10-6 01:47:13 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

一年至少上课11个月，可以更好更有效地学习。同意这种说法吗？

我没有限时，用word写的，可以自我修改，写了460words。希望可以提出建设性的建议，谢谢～～

As our majors become more and more, our subject we should learn become increasing. It seems that our study is so limited that some people suggested students would better to have classes at least 11 mouths one year. Considering many factors, I don not agree this idea. Maybe students can learn much more knowledge in this way, but it is also have a bad affect on students. And the disadvantages are so obvious that we should take attention to.

To begin with, accumulate of knowledge have no connect with the time we spend on studying. It is confusing to understand why some believe that study such a long time is more effective. On the contrary, students probably have no motive to study any more. For instance, students perhaps feel tired to study. They may become anti the study and unwilling to learn .For example, some students will play PSP games or searching the internet by the mobile phone and pay on attention to classes. They can not get any information from teachers. It is just a waste of time. They have to stand some pressures and be negative to the progress of learning. And the learning rate will decrease.

Moreover, it takes such a long time on classes that students will have fewer chances to relax themselves and take a part in amusements. Students will not be happy at all. As we know, study should bring enjoyment to people. Take American students for example. American students believe the entertainment is as important as study. They prefer to take a long time to play games and they have less homework to do. But American students are good at invitation that some students can make microwave oven in their high school. The reason is that they usually learn many skills when they have fun.

Finally but not the least, students will have less opportunity to do exercise. They have to spend most of their time on understanding knowledge. It means it is harmful to students’ health. If students get ill, it must have a bad effect on their study. For example, they may stay in bed and eat medicines; however, students may have a strong body if they play football or do other exercises frequently. Furthermore, their parents must worry about them. Both of parents and students could not be well.

To sum up, we would better to divide one year suitably. It is good at students studying and living. And students will have more interest on gaining knowledge. They can learn efficiently and be fitness. What’s more? They may be do well at their subjects and invent some new things. Because the reasons above all, I hold the idea that students should not take classes at least 11 months one year.

mood

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.06.28

回应
0

使用道具举报

kimtop
UID：2375291

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 199
注册时间: 2007-8-4
精华: 0
帖子: 2

沙发

发表于 2009-10-6 03:54:47 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 kimtop 于 2009-10-6 03:56 编辑

本来想逐一改　但我想还是提建设性意见吧...
表达上：
首先，作文从模仿开始，建议你背一些原汁原味的段子，比如OG里的范文，可以反复背。
其次，写托福作文可以很口语化，所以可以就象平时说话一样来写。文中有很多地方，我知道你要表达的意思，但其实很多话其实是不make sense的，是自己造出来的英语，老外会看不懂。这通常是因为你还是在用中文思考，然后用英文把中文翻译了出来。
同样，花很多时间遣词造句，通常就会有这样的结果，就像这篇文章，花的时间越多，可能越想chinglish，我的建议是just type it。

观点上：
首先是偏题了：题目说的是１１个月上课，而不是１１个月学习。上课和学习是有区别的，暑假在家也可以学习，社会实践也是学习。
接着一个大问题是主题句不明确，没有扣住主旨。
几个观点的主题句都无法解释你的观点：为什么不effective
比如：
第一个argument，知识的积累和所花在学习上的时间成正比。我认为这句话本身是错的，因为，知识的积累肯定是和学习所花的时间成正比的，除非你一直在学同样的东西（但其实一直重复学一样东西也会积累更多的知识，“温故而知新”对吧？）
第二，三个argument的主题句和主旨扣得不是很牢，阅卷者第一眼不知道你想说什么。你要把exercise, amusement 和　为什么effective 结合好。而不是仅仅说学习就不能exercise和entertain了。

hope it helps.

使用道具举报

doubledian
UID：2661760

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 1
寄托币: 343
注册时间: 2009-7-7
精华: 0
帖子: 0

板凳

发表于 2009-10-6 12:47:53 |只看该作者

一年至少上课11个月，可以更好更有效地学习。同意这种说法吗？
5 l, _ v6 z+ k- J- w' s

我没有限时，用word写的，可以自我修改，写了460words。希望可以提出建设性的建议，谢谢～～

As our majors become more and more, our （这个用the比较好吧）subject（复数） we should learn become increasing. It seems that our study（time） is so limited that some people suggested students would better to have classes at least 11 mouths one year. Considering many factors, I don not agree this idea. Maybe students can learn much more knowledge in this way, but it is also have a bad affect on students. And the disadvantages are so obvious that we should take attention to.（你看你前面说have a bad affect 后面又说the disadvantages,我认为这里要么都是复数要么都是单数）
! v% ~3 L7 {3 M0 t* C- R

To begin with, accumulate of knowledge have no connect with the time we spend on studying（这句话绝对有问题，但是我自己英语水平不好，不能具体的给你指出问题在哪,你请求高人给指点下）. It is confusing to understand why some believe that study such a long time is more effective. On the contrary, students probably have no motive to study any more. For instance, students perhaps feel tired to study. They may become anti the study and unwilling to learn .For example, some students will play PSP games or searching （你前面用的play,这里又用searching,我认为前后应该是一致的）the internet by the mobile phone and pay on attention to classes. They can not get any information from teachers. It is just a waste of time. They have to stand some pressures and be negative to the progress of learning. And the learning rate will decrease.; {8 P8 ^$ g8 q( D

5 P5 R# @/ G7 N5 ]. v
Moreover, it takes such a long time on classes that students will have fewer chances to relax themselves and take a part in amusements. Students will not be happy at all. As we know, study should bring enjoyment to people. Take American students for example. American students believe the entertainment is as important as study. They prefer to take a long time to play games and they have less homework to do. But American students are good at invitation that some students can make microwave oven in their high school. The reason is that they usually learn many skills when they have fun.$ K% \+ O1 Z+ t' g3 o
! e, L0 r! H5 H. s5 [: D3 U C

Finally but not the least（这个地方用这个好像不怎么配套，前面用得To begin with和Moreover，他们和Finally but not the least好像不是配套的，你在用finally就行了，并且这个短语也不是这么表达的，应该是last but not least）, students will have less opportunity to do exercise. They have to spend most of their time on understanding knowledge. It means it is harmful to students’ health. If students get ill, it must have a bad effect on their study. For example, they may stay in bed and eat medicines; however, students may have a strong body if they play football or do other exercises frequently. Furthermore, their parents must worry about them. Both of parents and students could not be well.* H# \, \8 j5 S

6 H$ `" P$ t5 w( A) G$ i3 d7 _
To sum up, we would better to divide one year suitably. It is good at students studying and living. And students will have more interest on gaining knowledge. They can learn efficiently and be fitness. What’s more? They may be do well at their subjects and invent some new things. Because the reasons above all, I hold the idea that students should not take classes at least 11 months one year.
看了你写的之后，我好像有点太不厚道了，但是我真的是终于有点安慰了，我感觉你的作文水平跟我一样不怎么的，我的作文不管是语法还是词汇都不行，你的作文比我好的就是词汇还可以，思路还很清晰，但是文章读起来很不顺，没事，慢慢加油吧，咱俩一起努力，我现在写作文已经有点进步了，这也是多亏了你们不遗余力的帮我修改，我们继续加油，多看看例文！这里还得跟你说声抱歉，我说了我自己的作文写很差，所以再给你改的时候难免会出错，改得不完美，还请见谅

使用道具举报