fish1044作业--写作

fish1044UID: 2190500

水平有多高我不敢说，但是我确实没有什么思路。
学工科的是不是都有这个问题哦。。。

larcwingUID: 2528204

9.30 评晚了不好意思~~

Movies are becoming one of the life essentials（movies可以叫做essential吗？离开movie人也不会活不下去吧？而且你后一句说movies对平民来说也越来越affordable了，那应该意味着以前是奢侈品，而现在变成平民娱乐了，而不是生活必需品吧？） in the modern society. With the development of the projecting technology投影技术应该是projection technology, movies are also being more affordable for common people. However我觉得这句和前面两句没有转折关系啊，怎么用however呢？, the debate of(on) whether a entertain movies or serious movies is better has been brought forward（这句这样写我觉得看得不舒服，也不是语法有什么问题，就好像有点不符合习惯。如果我写就会写成the debate on which is better, the entertain movies or the serious ones, has been put forward.）. In my opinion, both for the movie producers and the audiences, entertain movies is preferable.
注意名词单复数，你这个问题有点多，（下面我就不再挑出来改了，自己要注意啊！）

First of all, for the movie producer, they can make more money out of entertain movie. Those entertain movies cater to the public’s（不必要写成所有格，public taste就可以是公众口味了taste so that（这个意思好像是导致？一般用于不好的结果前面吧？直接用so就可以了 people are more willing to pay for the movie tickets. For examples, the movie named “Transformer” has won a box income of almost a hundred million Chinese yuan in just a few days. On the contrary, the serious movie such as Oscar winner “Chicago” can’t be as(so) profitable. Moreover, the money earned by the movie producer would then be reinvest on another entertain movie which also keeps the prosperous of the entertain movie market(keeps the entertain movie market prosperous.

Secondly, for the audience, people would like to watch entertain movies more than serious ones. On the very basis, people watch movies mostly because they want to relax themselves. Serious could just make things worse since this kind of movies always make people think, which is the last thing people want to do while they are watching movie与其这样说，不如说成after a whole days hard work and being tiresome或者类似太辛苦了压力太大了这样的意思，效果应该更好些吧. However(On the contrary，发现你特别喜欢用however，但这个词不应该随便用的，大的转折才会用，看GT的阅读文章就很明显看得出来了), the purpose of entertain movies are to amuse their audience, to make them laugh or excited(relaxed). For example, the “Transformers” is movie that could bring you to another exciting world where car and some other electronic products can transform to robots（这个我觉得从把生活中的烦恼抛到脑后的角度来说效果更好）. Also, the “Transformer” represents a lot of people’s memory of their childhood（这里可以多说一句怎么勾起童年回忆的，我感觉这是有效提升理由的点）. It is no doubt that most of people like it.

As a conclusion, I strongly agree with the idea that entertain movies are better than serious movies. People actually turn to movies to seek an alternative way for them to relax, and entertain movies fit right on this. Moreover, due to the profit that entertain movie could bring to the movie producer, they are more willing to invest more money on this industry（这句主语是producers，但在从句里你的主语却是movies，违背了主语一致） and thus boosting the improvement of the whole movie industry. Thus, no（not） only for the audient, but also for the producer, entertain movies are certainly better than serious movie.（结尾开头第一句已经这样说了，最后又重复不好吧？至少要paraphrase一下，并且多多少少做一点提升，那样才能成为真正有用的句子）


总的来讲，你的结构把握得不错，在开头就提示了后两段会从哪个角度写，并且TS也比较简洁明了，词汇量也比较丰富，就是有些惯用法不熟练，脱不开中文思考的痕迹。
批得有点太严厉了，见谅啊！！o(∩_∩)o...

larcwingUID: 2528204

啊。。。忘了多说一句：我红色一般是改语言，蓝色是文章结构和内容方面的改动或者建议~~

还有你帮我改的文章我看了下（谢谢啦！！），有一点需要提醒你一下，关于leave behind的用法。之所以我没有把behind放在最后是有一个宾语后置的原则，当宾语太长的时候，会把宾语押后的。很多阅读文章也有这样的用法，以后看的时候多留心！那样你的语言才能更地道~

半夏之北UID: 2517498

Movies are becoming one of the life essentials in the modern society. With the development of the projecting technology, movies are also being more affordable for common people. However, the debate of whether a entertain movie or serious movie is better has been brought forward. In my opinion, both for the movie producer and the audience, entertain movie is preferable.: v$ L3 |- n( F4 W" P& ~) O: ~9 f

First of all, for the movie producer, they can make more money out of entertain movies. Those entertain movies cater(to，cater 是vi) the public’s taste so that people are more willing to pay for the movie tickets. For examples, the movie named “Transformer” has won a box income of almost a hundred million Chinese yuan in just a few days. On the contrary, the serious movie such as Oscar winner “Chicago” can’t be as profitable. Moreover, the money earned by the movie producer would then be reinvest on(我查了一下，应该是reinvest in) another entertain movie which also keeps the prosperous of the entertain movie market.# |) [/ a% P3 W$ `

Secondly, for the audience, people would like to watch entertain movies more than serious ones. On the very basis, people watch movies mostly because they want to relax themselves. Serious could just make things worse since this kind of movies always make people think, (让人思考就会让事情变得糟糕.....这个论点不太好吧）which is the last thing people want to do while they are watching movie. However, the purpose of entertain movies are to amuse their audience, to make them laugh or excited. For example, the “Transformers” is （a)movie that could bring you to another exciting world where cars and some other electronic products can transform to robots. Also, the “Transformer” represents a lot of people’s memory of their childhood. It is no doubt that most of people like it.

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As a conclusion, I strongly agree with the idea that entertain movies are better than serious movies. People actually turn to movies to seek an alternative way for them to relax, and entertain movies fit right on this. Moreover, due to the profit that entertain movie could bring to the movie producers, they are more willing to invest more money on(in) this industry and thus boosting the improvement of the whole movie industry. Thus, no(not) only for the audient(audiences), but also for the producers, entertain movies are certainly better than serious movies.
注意以下单复数，还有就是第二个关于观众更喜欢娱乐电影的论点，可以从正面写关于观众看电影的目的是放松，在心情压抑时看serious moive会让心情更糟~~
不好意思改的晚了，最近比较拖沓.....

fish1044UID: 2190500

10.9 国庆归来第一次作业，写了将近一个小时，希望大家狠批。

另外，非常感谢国庆为我改作业的战友们，同时我也觉得很抱歉，没能及时给你们回批作业，希望你们能原谅。

With the exponential development of the whole society, our lives have been changed dramatically. Employment of new technologies such as telephone, television as well as internet has made the world a smaller place and our communication more directly. At the same time, fast development of the society also requires us to live a more efficient life, and also, our lives are more and more related to each other. Combined with the facts stated above, I strongly believe that people are not as friendly as they were before. Detail explanations which support my point of view are as following.

First of all, we should be aware of that, although it is true that those newly used technologies provide us with easier way to communicate, they also make our communication so directional that we always ignore people who are around us. For example, we might need to talk to some local people to find out where you could get something special to eat when you were traveling before. Now, most of the people prefer to go on the internet and check for info they want to know in which way, you need to talk to nobody and just done your thing quietly.

Second, the wheel of the history is now moving faster than ever. In order to keep up with the pace of the society, we need to do things more efficient than we did before. Concentration is the very most thing you need if you want to increase your efficiency. Sometime, we just don’t have time or we don’t want to interrupt ourselves to be friendly to others. For instance, if you were an engineer doing a project in a certain company, you have to be your best to finish your project sooner because there are some other people who are competing you on the same project. While you were doing the project, you won’t probably remember your best friend’s birthday, not to mention having a cup of coffee with your colleague.




Last but not least, our society has becoming more and more complex, which relates us together more than ever before. These relations between people are based on our interest, thus most of the time, the relation between people will be considered as competitor. When two staffs are working in the same office, they may think the other one the potential obstacle to their future career. As a result, these two people might seem to be friends, but they will not do anything actually friendly to the other.


To sum up, I agree that people are being more and more unfriendly to others. Some people may not admit that, however, we need to face the fact that the booming society has turned our life to another pattern. This new pattern of life on the one side makes our life more convenience and comfortable, on the other side, it also makes us being more apathetic to others.

doubledianUID: 2661760

With the exponential development of the whole society, our lives have been changed dramatically. Employment of new technologies such as telephone, television as well as internet has made the world a smaller place and our communication more directly. At the same time, fast development of the society also requires us to live a more efficient life, and also, our lives are more and more related to each other. Combined with the facts stated above, I strongly believe that people are not as friendly as they were before. Detail explanations which support my point of view are as following.& W! g6 s2 z% \) a. Y8 x0 F! O
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First of all, we should be aware of that, although it is true that those newly used technologies provide us with easier way to communicate, they also make our communication so directional that we always ignore people who are around us. For example, we might need to talk to some local people to find out where you could get something special to eat when you were traveling before. Now, most of the people prefer to go on the internet and check for info they want to know in which way（这个地方省了宾语总感觉读着不顺）, you need to talk to nobody and just done your thing（这个地方用复数会不会好点啊） quietly.
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Second, the wheel of the history is now moving faster than ever. In order to keep up with the pace of the society, we need to do things more efficient than we did before. Concentration is the very most thing you need if you want to increase your efficiency. Sometime, we just don’t have time or we don’t want to interrupt ourselves to be friendly to others. For instance, if you were an engineer doing a project in a certain company, you have to be your best to finish your project sooner because there are some other people who are competing you on the same project. While you were doing the project, you won’t probably remember your best friend’s birthday, not to mention having a cup of coffee with your colleague.
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Last but not least, （这个地方我就是稍稍提一点疑问啊，last but not least不是要和first and formost搭配吗？像你这个样子搭是不是也可以啊？）our society has becoming more and more complex, which relates us together more than ever before. These relations between people are based on our interest, thus most of the time, the relation between people will be considered as competitor. When two staffs are working in the same office, they may think the other one the potential obstacle to their future career. As a result, these two people might seem to be friends, but they will not do anything actually friendly to the other.7 _6 f# Y6 I3 {% S/ K

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To sum up, I agree that people are being more and more unfriendly to others. Some people may not admit that, however, we need to face the fact that the booming society has turned our life to another pattern. This new pattern of life on the one side makes our life more convenience and comfortable, on the other side, it also makes us being more apathetic to others.
真是羡慕你的作文水平，观点明确，思路清晰，用词恰当，给人一种例文的感觉！有空传授我点经验吧，我作文差的不行，昨天被拍的差点没哭出来，麻烦你帮我改作文的时候一定要狠狠拍啊，拍死我我再爬起来，我脸皮厚，什么话狠你说什么，另外就是请教你一个问题，就是first and formost, last but not least 的搭配问题，中间是不是什么词都可以用，比如secondly，furthermore什么的？

scutgongUID: 2564275

With the exponential development of the whole society, our lives have been changed dramatically. Employment of new technologies such as telephone, television as well as internet has made the world a smaller place and our communication more directly. At the same time, fast development of the society also requires us to live a more efficient life, and also, our lives are more and more related to each other. Combined with the facts stated above, I strongly believe that people are not as friendly as they were before. Detail explanations which support my point of view are as following.

First of all, we should be aware of that, although it is true that those newly used technologies provide us with easier way to communicate, they also make our communication so directional that we always ignore people who are around us. For example, we might need to talk to some local people to find out where you could get something special to eat when you were traveling before. Now, most of the people prefer to go on the internet and check for info they want to know in which way, you need to talk to nobody and just done your thing quietly.

Second, the wheel of the history is now moving faster than ever. In order to keep up with the pace of the society, we need to do things more efficient than we did before. Concentration is the very most thing you need if you want to increase your efficiency. Sometime（sometimes）, we just don’t have time or we don’t want to interrupt ourselves to be friendly to others. For instance, if you were an engineer doing a project in a certain company, you have to be your best to finish your project sooner because there are some other people who are competing （with） you on the same project. While you were doing the project, you won’t probably remember your best friend’s birthday, not to mention having a cup of coffee with your colleague.


Last but not least, our society has becoming more and more complex, which relates us together more than ever before. These relations between people are based on our interest, thus most of the time, the relation between people will be considered as competitor. When two staffs are working in the same office, they may think the other one the potential obstacle to their future career. As a result, these two people might seem to be friends, but they will not do anything actually friendly to the other.

To sum up, I agree that people are being more and more unfriendly to others. Some people may not admit that, however, we need to face the fact that the booming society has turned our life to another pattern. This new pattern of life on the one side makes our life more convenience and comfortable, on the other side, it also makes us being more apathetic to others.

Fish的文章无懈可击，是我们的榜样，向你学习了！

fish1044UID: 2190500

10.10 作文。
今天写的有点多了，辛苦批改我作文的同学了，呵呵。

With the development of the society, people’s life is becoming tenser and tenser. In order to release stress, people are then finding themselves more and more ways to entertain and have fun. Just like singing in KTV and dancing in a club, computer games win themselves a position in the list of most preferable ways of enjoyment due to their astonishing visual effect and exciting story. While the idea that playing computer games is a waste of time is brought forth by some of the people, it is receiving more and more concerns from the society. However, in my perspective, I don’t think that playing computer games is time wasting. Moreover, I think that certain computer games should surely introduced to children of their early age. My idea is based on the following reasons.

First of all, computer game is an invention of the modern technologies, thus, it would be the best way for us to get familiar with them. For example, the PlayStation 3 is an invention of SONY, which combines the most advanced storage technique in its time called BuleRay. Compared to the ordinary compact dick, it could storage as much as 10 times more information in it. The game player using PlayStation 3 is of the first people who are able to experience the convenience and fun that this new technology can brought us. Interest is the best teacher. While we are enjoying the technology, some of us will certainly start studying it and in return, make their contribution to the more advanced future technology.

Secondly, some of the games can actually train our mind and reaction or infuse us with new knowledge without even being noticed. For example, SimCity is a game about developing a city. This game assigns you as the imaginary major of an imaginary city and requires you to manage all possible issue relate to city maintenance such as the establishment of sewage system or crime control. As another example, car racing game such as Need for Speed requires your fast reaction. Also, some of the games like WarLord are based on the stories of ancient Greece. You will find yourself being more familiar with the old stories while you playing the game.

Finally, I admit that, if one is spend too much time on computer games, it could certainly be considered as harmful and one should do their best to stop being too obsession to computer games. However, every sword has its two sides. We know that salt is a good thing, but eating too much salt at a time can also kills people. It’s the self-control of people that is harmful not the computer games themselves. It would be really unfair to say that playing computer games is a waste of time, because is the player not the game that wastes the time.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that computer games are great inventions. Not only can they bring us the most sophisticated technology, they can also help us to train our mind and pass us knowledge while we are playing them. If one has certain ability to control themselves, playing game would be good for them, even if they are still young children.

LRXSSUID: 2695903

这个的确是写的多了  额  

With the development of the society, people’s life is becoming tenser and tenser. In order to release stress, people are then finding themselves 去掉吧 more and more ways to entertain and have fun 多余. Just like singing in KTV and dancing in a club, computer games win themselves a position in the list of most preferable ways of enjoyment due to their astonishing visual effect and exciting story. While the idea that playing computer games is a waste of time is brought forth by some of the people, it is receiving more and more concerns from the society.这句话并没有表示转折的意思啊哈 However, in my perspective, I don’t think that playing computer games is time wasting. Moreover, I think that certain computer games should surely introduced to children of in their early age. My idea is based on the following reasons
开头感觉有点长了  
i3 n
First of all, computer game is an invention of the modern technologies, thus, it would be the best way for us to get familiar with them. For example, the PlayStation 3 is an invention of SONY, which combines the most advanced storage technique in its time called BuleRay. Compared to the ordinary compact dick, it could storage store as much as 10 times more information in it. The game player using PlayStation 3 is of the first people who are able to experience the convenience and fun that this new technology can brought us. Interest is the best teacher. While we are enjoying the technology, some of us will certainly start studying it and in return, make their contribution to the more advanced future technology.  额  我觉得这段逻辑不是很明显

Secondly, some of the games can actually train our mind and reaction or infuse us with new knowledge without even being noticed. For example, SimCity is a game about developing a city. This game assigns you as the imaginary major mayor of an imaginary city and requires you to manage all possible issue related to city maintenance such as the establishment of sewage system or crime control. As another example, car racing game such as Need for Speed requires your fast reaction. Also, some of the games like WarLord are based on the stories of ancient Greece. You will find yourself being more familiar with the old stories while you playing the game.
这段逻辑就清楚多了  呵呵  看得出 玩过不少游戏哈
我也很喜欢极品飞车的.....
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Finally, I admit that, if one is spend too much time on computer games, it could certainly be considered as harmful and one should do their best to stop being too obsession 查了一下 只有名词用法  to computer games. However, every sword has its 去掉 two sides. We know that salt is a good thing, but eating too much salt at a time can also kills people. It’s the self-control of people that is harmful 应该说   没有自我控制能力是有害的 not the computer games themselves. It would be really unfair to say that playing computer games is a waste of time, because 加 it is the player not the game that wastes the time." H! o& l! r5 u2 p) o& }) f& A( |6 \# f
In conclusion, I strongly believe that computer games are great inventions. Not only can they bring us the most sophisticated technology, they can also help us to train our mind and pass on us knowledge while we are playing them. If one has certain ability to control themselves, playing game would be good for them, even if they are still young children.


有些 小语法 注意下  比如  情态后接动原啊什么的   内容不错   注意逻辑的关系 注意不要写太多无关的wrody  introduction  

fish1044UID: 2190500

10.12

Today, more and more people are having the chance to get university education. It is also true that college education may cost us a great fortune as well as at least four years of our precious time. Well, here comes the question, it is worth that money and time to get university education? Is this the most important factor to ones career? The answer is yes. My reasons are stated as follow.

First of all, university is a place where prepares you for the future success. When you studying in the university, you are actually learning the essential skills needed for your career. For example, you need to learn the theory of electromagnetic wave and antenna theory to become an antenna engineer. Or you will need the knowledge of statistics as well as the theory economics to become a stock market analyzer. University is the best place for one to learn that.

Second, university is also a place where the smart and elite gathers. Our society is filled with fierce competition, those top level student you might be able to meet can be the strongest help in you future career. One of the most convincing examples of this point is the story of Bill Gates. We all know that Bill Gate is successful in his career. But we have to know, his success owes a lot to his college roommate Steve Ballmer who actually created Microsoft with Bill Gates.

Last but not the least, attending college sets you a higher starting line when you begin your career. Every year when the companies start their college recruitment, they will offer higher position for the one who possess a higher education. For example, a master degree is required for the job of radio frequency engineer who can earn almost twice as much as software engineer which requires bachelor’s degree only. The one, who does not have college education, can hardly be recruited as engineer.

As a conclusion, university is a place where we can get specified knowledge and a place where the smartest people will be in. Also, diploma offered by the university is accepted by the society as the certification of one’s ability. Thus, I strongly agree the saying that attending university is the most important choice for one’s future success.

arimidyUID: 2673973

Today, more and more people are having the chance to get university education. It is also true that college education may cost us a great fortune as well as at least four years of our precious time. Well, here comes the question, it is(is it) worth that money and time to get university education? Is this the most important factor to ones career? The answer is yes. My reasons are stated as follow." F% c5 \" S9 b! u  H4 X

# E* k9 X8 M7 t' t6 h0 x  c$ I
First of all, university is a place where prepares you for the future success. When you studying in the university, you are actually learning the essential skills needed for your career. For example, you need to learn the theory of electromagnetic wave and antenna theory to become an antenna engineer. Or you will need the knowledge of statistics as well as the theory economics to become a stock market analyzer. University is the best place for one to learn that.(总起句+例子，段落过短不利于话题展开，例子结束后可以加些总结陈述的句子) v; a1 U  p5 u# h2 W# T' T
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Second, university is also a place where the smart and elite gathers. Our society is filled with fierce competition, those top level student you might be able to meet can be the strongest help in you future career. One of the most convincing examples of this point is the story of Bill Gates. We all know that Bill Gate is successful in his career. But we have to know, his success owes a lot to his college roommate Steve Ballmer who actually created Microsoft with Bill Gates.

Last but not the least, attending college sets you a higher starting line when you begin your career. Every year when the companies start their college recruitment, they will offer higher position for the one who possess a higher education. For example, a master degree is required for the job of radio frequency engineer who can earn almost twice as much as software engineer which requires bachelor’s degree only. The one, who does not have college education, can hardly be recruited as engineer.(同上的问题，段落以例子结尾略显仓促，有种突兀感，加总结句为好)

As a conclusion, university is a place where we can get specified knowledge and a place where the smartest people will be in. Also, diploma offered by the university is accepted by the society as the certification of one’s ability. Thus, I strongly agree the saying that attending university is the most important choice for one’s future success.
思路挺清晰地，段落过于简洁了哦

fish1044UID: 2190500

Today, more and more people are having the chance to get university education. It is also true that college education may cost us a great fortune as well as at least four years of our precious time. W ...
arimidy 发表于 2009-10-13 15:03

这个确实需要平衡一下，谢谢你的意见。

joyceliuUID: 2477232

Today, more andmore people are having the chance to get university education. It isalso true that college education may cost us a great fortune as well asat least four years of our precious time. Well, here comes thequestion, it is worth that money and time to get university education?Is this the most important factor to ones career? The answer is yes. Myreasons are stated as follow.
7 H! l' S5 {! m9 t" w 3 p8 ?) X, o$ W$ P5 d2 n6 m: p8 B! x2 l
First of all,university is a place where prepares you for the future success. Whenyou studying in the university, you are actually learning the essentialskills needed for your career. For example, you need to learn thetheory of electromagnetic wave and antenna theory to become an antennaengineer. Or you will need the knowledge of statistics as well as thetheory economics to become a stock market analyzer. University is thebest place for one to learn that.4 H. _  o; N: y/ u3 w
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Second, universityis also a place where the smart and elite gathers( to meet the smart and elite). Our society isfilled with fierce competition, those top level student you might beable to meet can be the strongest help in you future career. One of themost convincing examples of this point is the story of Bill Gates. Weall know that Bill Gate is successful in his career. But we have toknow, his success owes a lot to his college roommate Steve Ballmer whoactually created Microsoft with Bill Gates.
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Last but not theleast, attending college sets you a higher starting line when you beginyour career. Every year when the companies start their collegerecruitment, they will offer higher position for the one who possess ahigher education. For example, a master degree is required for the jobof radio frequency engineer who can earn almost twice as much assoftware engineer which requires bachelor’s degree only. The one, whodoes not have college education, can hardly be recruited as engineer.

. ^* g# M4 U2 A5 W- R8 {4 W ; M% E5 G* T3 C6 A7 ^Asa conclusion, university is a place where we can get specifiedknowledge and a place where the smartest people will be in. Also,diploma offered by the university is accepted by the society as thecertification of one’s ability. Thus, I strongly agree the saying thatattending university is the most important choice for one’s futuresuccess.

joyceliuUID: 2477232

写出来的不错，没什么可改的了。很简洁，但论证很到位，都说到点了。可以看出楼主是典型的理科生。不过做文章多多少少不同于理论公式，首尾段可以了，论证段落建议再详细一些。譬如，举完例子再点一句，例子再详细一点，或者论证首段可以多来几个例子

fish1044UID: 2190500

10.13作业

With the rapid development of the society, our lives have been changed dramatically. One of the byproducts of these changes is the bigger gap between parents and their children. Accepted or not, thousands reasons can be stated to support my point. But, I think the following three are the most important ones.

First of all, what children learn today is very different from that of the children in their parents’ time. Children are learning at formal school and their knowledge is much connected to the world while our parents had received little formal education. Knowledge difference between parents and children results in different views they have of the world. For example, my father is a farmer and knows nothing about physics. So, what my father concerns much is the weather which is critical for his crops and what I really interested is the physics that I learn from school. It is not the case when my father was a child since my grandfather is also a farmer.

Second, what children experiences today is much different from what their parents did. Thanks to the fast growing economy of China, our childhood has become much colorful and also much isolated with our parents. Take television for example, we spend almost all our spare time watching it and seldom talk with our parents. However, when our parents are young, their family can’t afford television. The whole family has a lot of time chatting with each other especially after dinner, which gives their parents enough time to know them well.

Last but not least, children today are facing a much more challenging life and thus the competition is much fiercer. As mentioned above, our society is now changing quickly. In order to keep in pace with others, we had to do our best to study and learn. Nevertheless, my parents’ lives were simple at their childhood, they knew exactly they would be farmer of their own land and fed on themselves. They did not need to compete with others. Thus, this different social background also widens the gap between parents and children today.

In conclusion, our parents are possessing different knowledge, experiencing different lives and facing different social background from their children. These differences keep the parents to know their children well which is not the case 50 years ago. Thus, it would be safe to state that parents do not know their children well then the parents 50 years age.