1006G[redemption]备考贴 by (BZR2915/小鸟--小鸟)--即使化成灰也要拼搏到底！

bzr2915UID: 2612029

再占

bzr2915UID: 2612029

第五次作业
238The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees."At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."
提纲：
1、Green Mountain College的情况不一定适用于Mira Vista College
可能 Green Mountain College的学生就业要求低

2、Green Mountain College的就业确实很高但与MORE BUSINESS COURSES AND MORE       JOB COUNSELORS并没有直接的因果关系，可能Green Mountain College在当地有着很好的声誉，或是Green Mountain College的经济系学生和学生总数太多（自然要开更多的BUSSINESS COURSES 和 请更多的XX)

3、即便Green Mountain College是由于MORE BUSINESS COURSES AND MORE     JOB COUNSELORS致使的高就业率，Mira Vista College在没有调查具体课程及咨询内容的情况下盲目加课及进行简历及面试培训是草率的。

字数515 这次写的时间太长了 走了太长的神....

The advice that to help Mira Vista's(MV) graduates improve their employment, which followed the example of Green Mountain College(MGC) might be advisable and effective. After all, MGC which nearby MV has an excellent rate of employment . However, the author unecessarily concludes that the success of MGC is owned to the more courses in business and hire additional job counselors which seems to be uncovincing and superficial might be beg the questions. This conclusion involved in the argument might be cause misleading to MV as the follow respects.

First, the author bases on the merely fact that MGC has more business courses and more job couselors claiming that the higher rate of employment is straightforward result from it, which seems reasonable at first glance but further reflection reveals that this assumption is unwarranted. Consider, for example, MGC is a business college and has more students than MV, which might be a sound reason account for more business courses and more job counselors in the school. In this situation, it is useless for MV to offer more courses and counselors. Another explaination is not far to seek, consider, for example, MGC is a famous college which has a better reputaion than MV in the region. In this assumption, a higher rate of employment might be somewhat reasonable to MGC .If the author can't rule out this and other alternative explanations, it is reasonable for us to cast doubts on the conclusion.

Second, the author overlook the difference of two school's students especially in the choice of the job which suit for their appetites. It is likely that MV's students tend for a high salary or more comfortable job, in the contrast MGC students' just want a job that could afford their lives' cost without more request. Common sense tell us that a lower request for the job will open much more chances for one to be employed though what is not so good considered by the MV's students, which is enough to result in a high-low employment between them.

In the final analyse, even though MGC's high employment rate is due to the courses of business and more counselors, it is not safe under the condition that MV don't know clearly what MGC's detail courses and the content of the consult to introduce into more board business courses and more counselors who helping improve interviwing skill and writting of resumes. It most likely that MGC's students learned a more systematic business and employment training which can not be simply imitated by increase the number of business courses and counselors to solve up.

The argument point out a possible way to settle the low rate employment problem in MV which might be potentially ineffective before a further survey that make clear what the MGC's real reasons that lead to a higher rate of employment. Not until the author could rule out all the doubt points such as the student number of, the reputation of, as well as the detail courses and consult content of MGC, it is unfounded to reach the conclusion involved in the conclusion.

bzr2915UID: 2612029

重写第五次作业
238\The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees."At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. 【结论】To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."
提纲：

1、基于一个没有可比性的数据（<1>调查时间段不同GMC 1年 MVC 3个月<2>统计的工作方式不同 GMC 可能包括兼职 MVC统计的全职）得到一个不确切的推论GMC比MVC就业好。

2、即便GMC就业形势真的比MVC好,GMC的高就业率依然不能归咎于MORE BUSINESS COURSES AND MORE JOB COUNSELORS
学校差异：<1>GMC的学校声誉            
              <2>GMC的商科学生和学生总数太多（自然要开更多的BUSSINESS COURSES 和 请更多的XX)

学生差异：<1>学生就业需求差异
              <2>学生整体素质比MVC高

3、 即便GMC的成功是由于MORE BUSINESS COURSES AND MORE JOB COUNSELORS致使的高就业率，MVC在没有调查具体课程及咨询内容的情况下盲目加课及进行简历及面试培训是草率的。



字数590
鸣谢DOREEN 斌哥 GANTIAN

The advice that to help Mira Vista's(MV) graduates improve their employment, which followed the example of Green Mountain College(GMC) might be advisable and effective. After all, MGC seems to hold a higher rate of employment than MV. However, the further reflection reveals that the statistics which related to the rate of employment is not convincing by the fact that GMC's students inform the college after one year when they are graduated in contrast to MV's students inform the college after 3 months. The statistic also be troubled in the different job counted by two colleges that MV just count full-time job, however , in this statistics GMC might also count a part-time job.  
Furthermore, based on the assumption that the employment statistics is counted in an equal condition, the author unecessarily owns the success of MGC to more courses in business and hiring additional job counselors, which seems to be uncovincing and superficial. This conclusion involved in the argument might mislead MV in the follow respects.

First, the author bases on the merely fact that MGC has more business courses and more job couselors claiming it is the main reason for the higher rate of employment, which seems reasonable, at first glance, but further reflection reveals that this conclusion is unwarranted. An appreciate example is not too far to seek, consider, MGC is a famous college which has a better reputaion  than MV in the region. In this assumption, a higher rate of employment might be somewhat reasonable to MGC.If the author can't rule out this and other alternative explanations, it is reasonable for us to cast doubts on the conclusion.

Furthermore, more business courses and consultors might be caused by other factors. Consider, for example, MGC is a business college and has more students than MV, which is a sound reason account for it. In this situation, it is useless for MV to offer more courses and counselors.

Second, the author overlook the difference of two school's students which related to the choice of  jobs and students' aptitude. It is likely that MV's students tend for a high salary or more comfortable job, in the contrast MGC students' just want a job that could afford their lives' cost without more request. Common sense tell us that a lower request for the job will open much more chances to be employed though what is not so good considered by the MV's students, which is enough to result in a high-low employment between them.

In the final analyse, even though MGC's high employment rate is due to the courses of business and more counselors, it is not safe under the condition that MV don't know clearly what MGC's detail courses and the content of the consultancy to introduce into more board business courses and more counselors who helping improve interviwing skill and writting of resumes. It most likely that MGC's students learned a more systematic business and employment training which can not be simply imitated by increase the number of business courses and counselors to solve up.

The argument point out a possible way to settle down the low rate employment problem in MV which might be potentially ineffective before a further survey that make clear what the MGC's real reasons that lead to a higher rate of employment. Not until the author could rule out all these doubtful points such as the student number of, the reputation of, as well as the detail courses and consult content of MGC, it is unfounded to reach the conclusion involved in the conclusion.

bzr2915UID: 2612029

第五次作业总结

刻骨铭心，家家的这次点评，使我不得重新审视ARGUMENT的写作方法和文章语言结构方面的重大问题，写了几篇A最后竟然使阅卷人在没有看完的情况下即可判断此文要通篇从写。这是对前一阶段ARGUMENT练习的一次彻底否定。我想，这与前一阶段的学习方法错误是不无关系的，只重视数量不注重质量，没有深究官方的要求，对官方范文的理解也缺乏认识，闭门造车，自以为是，FURTHERMORE 缺乏自我反省和总结。

关于文章的开头
基本上看到这里，如果是美国的rater读的话，你的这篇argument就已经被XXOO了，我们是在写AW，是Analytical Writing，是写argument，不是写别的需要有写作表现力或者说描述性、技巧性的花哨语言的文章，我们从头到尾只关心逻辑！逻辑！！逻辑！！！ 所以最基本的第一条，开头一定要开门见山，不要花花肠子东绕西绕，rater远比你更熟悉那些原文，用简练的语言整理清楚原文的逻辑链就可以了，别的东西通通都应该砍掉，不需要什么铺垫，不需要什么详细说明，这些全部都是拖后腿的东西，开头重写 ！                                        ----家家

笔记https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=134092

我的理解：

不重述原文观点 开门见山  一针见血 直接切入关键逻辑错误 引领下文

中间段

笔记https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=175162

言之有物 层层递进（我的理解） 细节展开（有令人信服的反例、证据而不是空谈逻辑漏洞） 段落之间有强逻辑承接 语言规范(目前我还不能做到书面语，关于家家批“口语化”泛滥的解决办法，还在寻求中）

结尾段

重申强逻辑错误 简洁有力

bzr2915UID: 2612029

第二次重写A238

bzr2915UID: 2612029

第6次作业
203The following appeared in a newspaper feature story.

"At the small, nonprofit hospital in the town of Saluda, 【1】the average length of a patient's stay is two days; at the large, for-profit hospital in the nearby city of Megaville, the average patient stay is six days. 【2】Also, the cure rate among patients in the Saluda hospital is about twice that of the Megaville hospital. 【3】The Saluda hospital has more employees per patient than the hospital in Megaville, and there are few complaints about service at the local hospital. Such data indicate that treatment in smaller, nonprofit hospitals is more economical and of better quality than treatment in larger, for-profit hospitals."

非盈利的小医院比盈利性大医院【1】经济【2】治疗效果好

【1】反驳经济：    住院时间统计无可比性   患病人群不同
                   住院时间与是否经济不成关系 住的时间短没有效果转院
【2】反驳治愈效果：治愈统计没有可比性     患病人群不同
                   人均服务人员数量与治愈效果没有因果
                   人多可能都是临时工或者实习学生
错误外推到所有医院

字数490 时间 2小时

The conclusion that smaller, nonprofit hospitals are more economical and have a better treatment quality than larger, for-profit ones is not cogent in two respects. First, the statistics of two hospitals are invalidated because there are other variables that can not be controlled equally. Second, the author unnecessarily extant a special case to universal. I will discuss all these flaws in turn.

Firstly, the length of patients' stay and the cure ratio can not be a validated evidence under the circumstance that larger, for-profit hospitals have more patients with serious disease such like H1N1, HIV or a badly injure in car accident. On the contrary, smaller nonprofit hospitals tend to accommodate the ones who with slight symptoms like, for example, a milder fever, headache or cough. Further more a short length of patient stay can't constitute a correlative relationship with the expense cost in hospitals. It is likely that a smaller hospital offer better medicine which cure the patients in short time which might be costly. It is a common phenomenon in some small hospitals to prescribe antibiotics which is more expensive and faster heal effect than large hospital with a low-effective but safer and cheaper way to heal the patients. Another likely case is that someone injured seriously in a smaller hospital but can not be cure after stay two days moved to a larger one which could heals him for seven days. In this case, if the patient, at first, went to a larger hospital might save his money wasted in the smaller one.

Another statistic about the employees per patients is also unwarranted to support the conclusion that the patients in a smaller hospitals could receive a better treatment than a larger one. A strongly common sense tell us that the more employees might some other stuff such like manager or part-time job seeker instead of health professionals. An nonprofit hospitals more likely to hire person who devote themselves to patients with no charge who tend to be some not well educated medical department students who can't treat patient skillful as the for-profit hospitals' professionals with more experience. Though nonprofit hospital might has lots of such employees but with no effect.

Second, even though I concede that the local smaller nonprofit hospital has a better heal effect both in economical and cure rate than the larger for-profit one. There is no evidence to prove that this situation is suit for other place. It is possible that the local non-profit hospital received more donation and more excellent skillful professionals than the for-profit ones in a special period. The government and society will encourage some talents and invest money to it which will contribute the special case discussed above when a nonprofit was built in the beginning.

In short, if the author can not make a more convincing survey about the common situation among most of smaller non-profit and larger for-profit hospitals, it is not reasonable to receive such a conclusion.

gantianUID: 2650936

19# bzr2915

顶这个总结。看你写的这些反思收获颇多～
我也是对于文章逻辑的安排思考的太少了，一门心思就在那找题目中的错误，根本没思考文章的结构～～

呵呵赞分享找到的这几个帖子～继续论坛寻宝。。。。。。。。

加油加油！！

bzr2915UID: 2612029

比较容易犯的错误
笔记
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=784842&highlight=%2Blastangel

bzr2915UID: 2612029

第七次作业


题目：
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been unique to the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could only have crossed it by boat, but there is no evidence that the Paleans had boats. And boats capable of carrying groups of people and cargo were not developed until thousands of years after the Palean people disappeared. Moreover, Paleans would have had no need to cross the river—the woods around Palea are full of nuts, berries, and small game. It follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not unique to Palea.

提纲：
1、可能绕道步行过去
2、可能造木筏
3、可能由于其他需求（探险，求佳丽等）或灾难转移
4、即便人过不去，可能由于其他偶然因素，篮子过去了（掉到水里飘过去了。。）

语法 用词 重复 头痛

The author concludes it hasty that Panlea baskets were not unique to Palea basing on a series of facts that are neither well organized nor logically effective to support the conclusion. I will discuss the illness of the statements as follows.

To begin with the author fails to consider that there might be another way move to the ancient village. It is natural to conduct that Palean's people might go there on foot rather than across the river. Even though I concede that it is impossible to reach another ancient village without going across the rive, the Paleanese might also go though the river by other rough transports such like rafts rather than boats. Under these assumptions, it might had the possibilities for the Paleans to arrive at opposite village without a boat, which weaken the statement that Paleans could not pass the basket without a boat.

The statement that Paleans had enough food and had no motivation to the village might be also without a thorough consideration. The author omits other possible desires for the Palea. An appreciated example is not too far to seek. Paleans emigrated to the village might be stimulated by the advent spirit which is born with human beings, a further explanation is that Paleans wanted to conquer a smaller tribe which related to the village for more slaves and females. In short, the author is too hasty to draw the conclusion that Paleans had no other motivations gone to the village by the merely fact that there were enough food resource in Palea.

In the final analyse, even though the assumption that Paleans could not move to the village are warranted, that the author simply thinks there is only one way to transport the basket to the village by human are not cogent. Common sense tell us there are lots of accidental factors that could lead to such a result to move a basket to the opposite village, for example, one Palean washed some fruit on the river and dropped his basket by careless.After serveral days the basket arrive at the village by waves. If the author can not rule out such accidental factor to support the argument, it is not safe to draw such conclusion.

To sum up, the facts cited by the argument are not sufficient to constitute a cogent deduction. If the author can not exclude all these factors which might be harmful to the conclusion discussed above, we can not get the conclusion that Woven basket was not unique to Paleans.

bzr2915UID: 2612029

第七次作业第一次修改
两遍改正了一些语法错误

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1058751-1-1.html

bzr2915UID: 2612029

ANYWAY 再来一层 吃点饭 去看语法书

bzr2915UID: 2612029

23A recent sales study indicated that consumption of seafood dishes in Bay City restaurants has increased by 30 percent over the past five years. Yet there are no currently operating city restaurants that specialize in seafood. Moreover, the majority of families in Bay City are two-income families, and a nationwide study has shown that such families eat significantly fewer home-cooked meals than they did a decade ago but at the same time express more concern about eating healthily. Therefore, a new Bay City restaurant specializing in seafood will be quite popular and profitable.

1\消费量与盈利没有直接因果
2\专营海鲜店优势不明
3\双收入家庭食品消费结构不明 群体性调查可能不适用特殊

The argument is not cogent in several respects. First, there is no casual relationship between consumption and benefits. In addition, wether a specialized seafood restaurant has an advantage over a common one is open to the question. The argument also fails to make clear the details about two-income families' construction of food consumption. I will discuss all these logical flaws in turn.

The consumption of seafood dished has increase greatly can not indicated that the seafood market are beneficial by it. Common sense tells us one consumption are sold out in a larger amount the product tends to be cheaper than it was. For example, the computer, while it was expensive as just appear, which is a common equipment to the modern life for its accessible price and better quality which result from its large-scale production. And the consequence is that even though the computer's consumption soar up as time goes, the whole benefit for the market is in a balance. In addition, the more consumption of seafood might be harmful to the restaurants' owners as the more seafood dishes the harder competition between the restaurants. Furthermore, even if there is a casual relationship between them, the recently study can not predict a positive future of the city's seafood market, it is easy affected by the factor such like government' policy, seafood resource, people's tendency and so on.

The second flaws that weakens the logic of this argument is that the assumption that the restaurants which specialized in seafood is better than the common ones, which lacks evidence. A reasonable deduction which based on the fact that there is no specialized restaurant in BC might be that as there is no experience to run such a restaurant the specialized ones might be fail to compete the common ones which have more often-come customers and higher service level.

Finally, even if the author substantiates all of the forgoing assumptions, his assumption that two-income families make the biggest consumption of seafood is unwarranted. There is no evidence to convince that the two-income families tend to eat seafood dishes rather than other nutrition food. Furthermore, the study was made by a national wide research, which is possible not typical for BC. People may have various eating habits in different region, in this case, BC' citizens might tend to cook at home rather than go out.

In conclusion, the argument, while it seems logical at first, has several flaws as discussed. The argument could be improved by pointing out the interest ratio of seafood market in recent years rather than the consumption and offering a compelling evidence to prove that a specialized restaurant are better than the common ones. It could also be improved by making a detailed survey about the local families' eating habits.

tunicateUID: 2722773

23A recent sales study indicated that consumption of seafood dishes in Bay City restaurants has increased by 30 percent over the past five years. Yet there are no currently operating city restaurants that specialize in seafood. Moreover, the majority of families in Bay City are two-income families, and a nationwide study has shown that such families eat significantly fewer home-cooked meals than they did a decade ago but at the same time express more concern about eating healthily. Therefore, a new Bay City restaurant specializing in seafood will be quite popular and profitable.

1\消费量与盈利没有直接因果
2\专营海鲜店优势不明
3\双收入家庭食品消费结构不明 群体性调查可能不适用特殊

The argument is not cogent in several【at least 3。。加上具体数目可能更好】 respects【这个respect我注意好多次了，是不是aspect更好些呀，你在哪看的模板？？】. First, there is no casual relationship between consumption and benefits. In addition, wether a specialized seafood restaurant has an advantage over a common one is open to the question. The argument also fails to make clear the details about two-income families' construction of food consumption. I will discuss all these logical flaws in turn.

The consumption of seafood dished has increase greatly can not indicated that the seafood market are beneficial by it. Common sense tells us one consumption are sold out in a larger amount the product tends to be cheaper than it was. For example, the computer, while it was expensive as just appear, which is a common equipment to the modern life for its accessible price and better quality which result from its large-scale production. And the consequence is that even though the computer's consumption soar up as time goes, the whole benefit for the market is in a balance. 【一般A里不举与原题无关的例子】In addition, the more consumption of seafood might be harmful to the restaurants' owners as the more seafood dishes the harder competition between the restaurants. Furthermore, even if there is a casual relationship between them, the recently study can not predict a positive future of the city's seafood market, it is easy affected by the factor such like government' policy, seafood resource, people's tendency and so on.

The second flaws that weakens the logic of this argument is that the assumption that the restaurants which specialized in seafood is better than the common ones, which lacks evidence. A reasonable deduction which based on the fact that there is no specialized restaurant in BC【汗。。文章里还是写全称好】 might be that as there is no experience to run such a restaurant the specialized ones might be fail to compete the common ones which have more often-come customers and higher service level.

Finally, even if the author substantiates all of the forgoing assumptions, his assumption that two-income families make the biggest consumption of seafood is unwarranted. There is no evidence to convince that the two-income families tend to eat seafood dishes rather than other nutrition food. Furthermore, the study was made by a national wide research, which is possible not typical for BC.【如果要更好的搭建让步关系，Nationwide Study应放前，Even it fits our local condition, double income doesn’t means bigger consumption】 People may have various eating habits in different region, in this case, BC' citizens might tend to cook at home rather than go out.

In conclusion, the argument, while it seems logical at first, has several flaws as discussed. The argument could be improved by pointing out the interest ratio of seafood market in recent years rather than the consumption and offering a compelling evidence to prove that a specialized restaurant are better than the common ones. It could also be improved by making a detailed survey about the local families' eating habits.【注意搜集一下说法：It can be improved//further strengthen//more logical//more sounded等等，换着使~~】

整体思路有点乱，让步关系没有很清楚。建议做一下这样的联系：先把所有的错找出来，挑最有代表性的三个左右，按逻辑顺序排列攻击~~【最近正在这样练，还是挺管用的，因为往往一篇文章n个错不可能完全攻击到的：>

bzr2915UID: 2612029

第八次作业
I136 The absence of choice is a circumstance that is very, very rare.

同意此论点

赞同Choice, a power born with human beings, seldom be given up expect two special situation: before you come to the world and after you leave the world.
选择于个体
1、选择于人来说如心脏跳动，选择维持着个体生命的延续
1.1 充分性 选择是为了更好的生存 高等教育 人更倾向于利己的选择
1.2 必要性 生存促成了各种选择 甚至是错误的选择 犯罪

选择于社会
2、选择于社会如燃料，选择推动着社会发展
2.1 充分性 选择迎合各种利益群体的策略维持社会的稳定 国家机器
2.2 必要性 不进行选择就要被推翻迫使社会做出选择 革命

3、尽管选择由于价值倾向的不同而不同，但很少有没有选择的情况，这种情况也是及其危险极端的，可能导致个体的终结或某一社会大厦的崩裂。


Choice, a power born with human beings, seldom be given up by us expect two special situations: before you come to the world and after you leave the world. I strongly agree with the statement that it is a rare circumstance that there is no choice either for a single person or a healthy society.

Choice, to human beings, as the heart which contribute to a vivid life to ourselves no matter beneficial or harmful. On the one hand, the single person decides what his choices. On the other hand the choice forces people to select it. I will discuss the two situations which might be integral to the life of a human being as follows. First, humen tend to pursue a better condition for themselves, which encourages countless people to make various choices to improve themselves since they coming to the world. An appreciate example relating to the American dream, everyone has the right to choose his life, everyone has the right to achieve his dream, changes thousands of thousands people's lives. They make up their mind to choose a positive life not a negative one, to choose a higher education not a common one, to choose to be an useful talent not an ignorant one. Thus people tend to improve themselves by select correct choices. Second choice in some special time will have to be adopt, in the other words, choice forced people to select it. For example, most people who lived under the feudal autocracy did not have any human right, therefore they had little chance to choose their own lives which were designed by the nation machine. In this case, single person's choice selected by the politics. In conclusion, there are two choices for human beings: to choose or to be chosen.

Another aspect about the choice might extant from human beings to the the whole society that is maintained by the nation machine whose chief function is to strike a balance among competing interests by making a series of choices. However, there is also a circumstance when no choice can be adopt. In this case, the society tend to be reverse by people and the process which we called it revolution. There are many examples in the history indicated such a situation: French revolution that when feudal autocracy could not make a decision other regulation instead of it, Industry revolution that a lower productivity could not make a choice to satisfy people's appetite other power instead of it. Therefore, it is extremely dangerous period when a society don not have the right to choose what it is to be. In short, there is little chances for the absence of choice for society.

In conclusion, although there are various choices for different individual's value system, the absence of choice is a circumstance that is very rare, which would only happen in some extreme situation such as the end of lives or the end of a society.

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