√-×。Daily Writing组- lynn27

taylor.1023UID: 2713071

真抱歉。那么晚才给你改好。

还有，谢谢你给我改的。

lynn27UID: 2774627

1008

1008 lynn27.doc (22 KB, 下载次数: 6)

2010-10-8 22:37:12 上传

下载次数: 6

葛佳UID: 2725332

32# lynn27

技术与进步 Has Technology made children less creative than they were in the past

Technology has already played a significant part at every corner of our lives nowadays than in the past. This is particularly for children. And what it relevant to is creative of children. To prove the idea, I will give some reasons.
你是赞同的观点的话，
建议直接说的更直白些

Firstly, as the advent of technology, like internet, brings about children more convenient access to attain knowledge. Only have children the adequate knowledge, they will do better on creative. What is more, the long-range education belonging to internet lead to a complete new way of teaching mode. It also provides children to arrive at more information. Under the free atmosphere, children have no way will be stuck in the slavish class and mind. While receiving what they should learn from video frequency, they can search for more what they want to learn via internet. And thus, they think about question actively and become creative.


Furthermore, the technology itself is filled with creation. And it directly results in the creation that is fulfilled 【有点重复了】in our daily life. For instance, I never open my paper bag without thinking of Charles Stilwell who in 1883 invented the first machine produce bags like this. Before Stilwell, bags were pasted together by hand, and they didn’t have flat bottoms so they couldn’t stay on their own and we couldn’t fold them very well either. Likewise, children have a keen eye of details in lives. Once they found something interesting, they will do their utmost to turn it to technology.

Finally, to some sense, technology affects children with a potential way. Technology can befit traffic【这个是啥意思？】, and then make journey more easily, children can go in order to stimulate creativity in the case that meet every kinds of buildings and funny events. Also, technology like telephone makes the way communicates with other people more easily. In the course of the talk, with different types of minds, can inspired them new concepts.

To sum up, Technology really provides a good platform to make children possess more creativity.


逻辑没有乱啊， 写的不错了。 最后一段有点太仓促了、

phoebeDUID: 2846496

Technology has already played a significant part at every corner of our lives nowadays than in the past. This is particularly for children. And what it relevant to is creative of children. To prove the idea, I will give some reasons.

Firstly, as the advent of（modern，我觉得technology一直都有） technology, like internet, brings about children more convenient access(accesses) to attain knowledge. Only have children the adequate knowledge, they will do better on creative(creative是adj吧？）. What is more, the long-range education belonging to internet leads to a complete new way of teaching mode. It also provides children to arrive at more information. Under the free atmosphere, children have no way will be stuck in the slavish class（奴隶阶层？） and mind. While receiving what they should learn from video frequency, they can search for more what they want to learn via internet. And thus, they think about question actively and become creative.


Furthermore, the technology itself is filled with creation. And it directly results in the creation that is fulfilled in our daily life. For instance, I never open my paper bag without thinking of Charles Stilwell who in 1883 invented the first machine produce bags like this. Before Stilwell, bags were pasted together by hand, and they didn’t have flat bottoms so they couldn’t stay on their own and we couldn’t fold them very well either.（看到这里我哭了，原来你也做听写啊。。。。） Likewise, children have a keen eye of details in lives. Once they found something interesting, they will do their utmost to turn it to（into） technology.

Finally, to some sense（senses）, technology affects children with （In）a potential way. Technology can befit traffic, and then make journey more easily, children can go in order to stimulate creativity in the case that meet every kinds of buildings and funny（建议用interesting，funny含有贬义色彩） events. Also, technology like telephone makes the way communicates with other people more easily. In the course of the talk, with different types of minds, can inspired them new concepts（inspire 就已经行了，new concept多余了）.

To sum up, Technology really provides a good platform to make children possess more creativity.
作文写得很好，我没有看内容是否贴合，我觉得句子与句子间的逻辑关系才是最重要的，在没把文章写得畅通之前，过于追求内容的话我觉得没什么结果。
句子很多样化，但看起来与高分的作文总是差一个句子与句子间的逻辑和那种一气呵成的感觉，但这个。。 不是单靠看语法就能写得出来的，只有靠日常看多了，积累出来。。。我也不知道应该怎么改，因为我也正在寻找。。。。。哈哈

lynn27UID: 2774627

谢谢同组的- -。 第一次听到不太打击我的话。

LZ （看到这里我哭了，原来你也做听写啊。。。。）
看到你这句，我也哭了，好感动，同病相怜的孩子。 不过我只是做题目，没听写。

果然逻辑问题还十分突出。嗯嗯，以后专心推敲高分作文的论证。

lynn27UID: 2774627

1009

1009 by lynnnnn.doc (23 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2010-10-10 02:20:58 上传

下载次数: 3

kusehexingUID: 2607458

36# lynn27
While some people believe that advertising has the biggest influence on customer's choice to goods, I maintain that it depends on customers themselves. Actually, to buy it or not, advertising guide to nothing.（感觉不顺，此外advertising是不可数） There are some points for that.

First of all, the mentality of customers to the selection of shopping occupies a large extent（？换一种普通人能接受的说法吧）. Since（since去掉） under the current state of the society, there are numerous challenges for people. Advertising is one of them. Maybe it really lure people to buy some luxury goods what unnecessary to them because of the comparing phenomenon or some others（意思到底是广告使人买呢还是攀比心理，此外the comparing phenomenon,最好确认一下英语是否是这样讲）. However, the choice always is in our hands. We can choose to buy it if we are not able to not falling into the temptation(be able to do sth, falling 要改eg we are unable to resist this temptation). Or we can reject it as we have already known how to deal with these kinds of things. Without a mature mentality in the face of such a little challenge, how can we handle bigger troubles in the future? (比较正式的文体，不要老是提问、反问之类的。这句话逻辑也有问题：要么说没有成熟的心智，要么说不能经受小的挑战，两个揉在一起再接后面一句，不妥)

这段论证的结构乱乱的。逻辑估计也跟着乱乱的。

Moreover, advertising let customers know more new products. Maybe these products are all expensive even out of the limits they can endure(afford). But, why not just place it as a goal for us to pursue? When we have not yet adequate money to reach(purchase/buy) it, the luxury goods stimulate us to possess it(to work harder in order to possess it). It will be a good power(impetus) to push us work hard or study hard. On the other hand, as the development of the society, the better spiritual life attracts us. (这句话与下文相关否，句子也很怪)We always need the better and newer things to (instead of)replace what we have had. The function of new products what showed in the advertising suit for(删除) our modern needs of our daily lives. So, we will not always know what we need if we are not trying to understand what products have already came forth now.

这段好像讲来讲去都是这句话。很薄弱的观点和论据啊好像。逻辑也不鲜明。写到on the other hand，我已经不知道后面扯那些行不行了。

However, I can not say without a doubt that advertising is always good. I mean,（I mean 太过于口语，不正式） advertising at all time put some exaggeration of benefit and decoration into the products. We can not trust all they say blindly. To judge what we need actively could not be better to our lives.（什么意思啊） So, Advertising is not exactly a waste of time and money because customers already know what they want.

把让步和结尾放一段里了。因为结尾我不会结 - -。而且觉得这样影响也不会太大吧。


我的意见：你写的文章，句意表达有点不清，中式英语颇多，考官不一定明白你的意思。用词的精准性有待加强。文章思维有点。。如果无明确因果关系，不要乱用so\because,句子在文中要有用处，行文不要太散。（愚见）

lynn27UID: 2774627

LS~~~ 谢谢帮我改作文~~~
这几天都在分析高分作文，我尝试让自己去接触更多不同的句型，然后。。。still中式英语。。。555
其实因为我也很不确定我想论证什么东西。所以就乱蹂躏把不搭边的东西写在一块，我错了。。。
so...because那些也是怕太散，勉强用这些连接词试图拉在一起的。。。

呜呜。。。继续努力。。。努力。。。一百个努力。。。以后行文我会想的细致一点的~~~

kusehexingUID: 2607458

我昨天刚刚进的作文小组，就顺便看看大家文章了。大家一起努力哦~你每天都写了，精神值得鼓励啊，我得向你学习~O(∩_∩)O~ 38# lynn27

lynn27UID: 2774627

嘻嘻~~~ 我没有每天写哦，我这周就这两天写了，前面也断断续续好多天~~~
不过接下来要每天写了~~~ 一起加油呼。

xjf1023UID: 2676396

改了一下下 请查阅~

lynn27UID: 2774627

1011

1011 by lynnnn.doc (24 KB, 下载次数: 5)

2010-10-11 22:29:11 上传

下载次数: 5

这篇作文写的超级认真的说- -。好吧。
除了立场扭曲了求帮忙，希望同组的帮我看看表达上，中国式英语的地方各种语法错误帮我明确指出哈。。。

kusehexingUID: 2607458

It is commonly to hear that sports are always the best entertainment for people. Even it can teach people lessons about the life. From my perspective, I maintain that with different age levels, there are various situations for them. （it is true that sports can teach people lessons about life to some extent. However, these situations,from my perspective, varies in people with different age levels）

For adults, negatively speaking, playing sports makes them subject to an excessive burden or strain mentally and physically. At the age of people(being adults), they always bare the ambition to win everything. The spirit maybe will force them to be successful, but it will also take them to go to another extreme. 这句话还是不顺，但没想好怎么改They overly concerned with success so that they will want to reach it by every means whatever is legal or not. In this situation,The result will be they do some unlawful things and go to prison. Or perhaps they play undue sports, leading to the life-long injuries. At the time, the lesson what sports take them will be useless because they had no chance can regretted doing again(therefore, the lesson that sports take them seems paled into insignificance if they suffered fatal injuries).

For children, the way lecturing them by fierce sports does not suit (or is not suitable for)them. On one hand, their bones are still too week and sports itself is dangerous. In the course of it(可以删), if they can not do it carefully, then the hurt will accompany them throughout the entire life. And it spends them too much time studying（spend time (on)doing sth）--这句话句意不明哦if sports take too much time, there is limited time for their study. Their parents also will push them to overdo it because they want their children do the best. As a result, those children lost their happy childhood. On the other hand, sports maybe really does work on the developing of steadily personality. But if they are constantly losing on the sports, what they will get is the lost of the confidence and self-esteem(很中式 the lack of confidence and poor self-esteem). It will become a shadow of their childhood which probably never be wiped. Hence, playing sports can not guide them anything in that case.

For order them,(by the time they become mature,) their physique is so fragile. A lot of them have already learned about the life. What they need is do some easy exercise like practicing shadowboxing, which is famous in my country, in order to improve their physique in a suitable way.

To draw a conclusion, for every age-level people, there are different instance for them. But on the whole, I would prefer to say that playing sports, to some senses, can not teach people lessons about the life.

melodramaUID: 2470523

改了一些。有些地方看不懂。

archi1919UID: 2318824

1011lynn revised by para.doc (33.5 KB, 下载次数: 2)

2010-10-12 19:04:36 上传

下载次数: 2

想了又想也不知道这么论点可不可以，只是把语法错误给标出来了。
你再想想