求助大虾修改作文：Telephone has greater influence on people's lives than TV has

林旦旦UID: 2769346

10.17就要一战了，这才第一次练习作文，是不限时写出来的，字数有点多，欢迎大力删改~~~~                    

Telephone has greater influence on people's lives than TV has

Would never people hundred years ago who can only count on letters or others to deliver a massage miles away believe that two can speak to each other in a long distance just in a normal volume. With the invention of telephone the age of communication between people shifted into another gear. Telephone not only make it possible for us to keep in touch with people we care about in every minute,talk to them whenever and wherever we want,but also let us get information as soon as it comes out. Moreover,telephone can even gather people in different places to discuss. Considerable though the entertainment and quantity of information TV can bring us,it cannot match the influences telephone has on our lives ,when the aspects above are taken into deliberation.

Telephone build a bridge to connect people. Before the advent of telephone,people can only talk to people vocally face to face,so it is quite common for people to communicate with their parents,children or friends once a year if they did not live at the same place. The relationship could even fade after a long period of no contact. After telephone's appearing,people can call others to make a appointment or remind important things or just say "hi!",in that case,combinations between individuals has been strengthened, and of course,TV cannot do that.

Telephone exceeds TV when the speed of delivering information is in consideration. Never can we deny that the world today is ruled by information, who gets the latest information fastest wins,and telephone make information travels faster possible. For instance, if a wine company could get data by telephone about grape market in time,they can analysis them and estimate the potential of grape's quality,quantity and price, so they could have the chance to make decisions like weather to store more grape or not ,weather to produce more wine or not,etc,and the company reaps more profits in business consequently. In terms of speed of delivering information ,TV is to telephone what turtle to rabbit,TV can only report news after data being collected and edited.

Besides, telephone provides a flat roof for a head-storm which members are not in one room. The way that world works changed a lot, interactions turns into a global mode. For example, a conference needs to be hold immediately in a MNC, in comparision of taking a several-hour flight to gather, holding a telephone-conference would be a much more efficient and convenient alternative. Evidently telephone has a strong influence on accelerating social activities which TV cannot match.

Telephone plays an important role in almost every area you can think of. it is a survival box leaves people a chance to find sense of existence in society,a catalyst that makes world work faster,a magical power turns the planet into a small village. How can TV surpasses it?

alenxwnUID: 2595790

本人不是NN，也比较愚笨，只能提出几个语法错误，说错的地方还请包涵。。

Telephone builds a bridge to connect people.

After telephone's appearing,people can call others to make an appointment, to remind important things or just to say "hi!"
*or前后结构应平行。

Never can we deny that the world today is ruled by information, that who gets the latest information fastest wins, or that telephone makes information traveling faster possible.
否定句用or连接，且3层并列的意思结构上要并列，所以加上that会显得更明晰

…make decisions like whether to store more grape or not ,whether to produce more wine or not,etc
LZ手误。。

TV is to telephone what turtle to rabbit
我记得结构应该是A to B is what C to D，不确定，望指正。

Besides, telephone provides a flat roof for a head-storm which members are not in one room.
这句话个人认为意思不够明确。首先，which指代的是什么，很不清楚，另外provide A with B。是不是应该改成 ...provides head-storm with a flat roof, under which.....有待商榷。

The way that world works changed a lot, and interactions turns into a global mode.
逗号不能连接两句句子，and必须有。

For example, when a conference needs to be hold immediately in a MNC, in comparision of taking a several-hour flight to gather, holding a telephone-conference would be a much more efficient and convenient alternative.
这里个人认为必须加when，否则意思不对。