[u'r not alone小组]A53

dreamerdanceUID: 2759402

The argument seems reasonable at first sight, but cannot stand up to much scrutiny. Since without credible evidence of the relationship between melatonin and shyness, the extent of shyness, the influence of acquired environment，it is too hasty to draw the conclusion that melatonin can cause babies to suffer from shyness in all their lives. Further analysis is needed in order to make a sound and well-rounded judgment.

The author’s assertion is based on the premise that the studied 25 infants were all been conceived in early autumn, which should be highly questioned. Without convincing evidence of the exact time and conditions of these mothers’ pregnancy, it is too hasty to conclude that melatonin, which was supposed to increase with decreased daylight, could cause distress in babies. As a matter of fact, daylight in winter is much shorter than that in early autumn.

Even if these mothers were proved to have babies in early autumn, and then produce melatonin, the author still fails to clarify the detailed function of melatonin. He only claimed that it is a hormone known to affect some brain functions, but whether the influence was exerted on mother or baby? If it only has bearing on mother, baby would not be affected and then has shyness. Besides, there is no evidence to prove that whether this kind of hormone could undoubtedly cause shyness. The author cited a study of 25 infants, who showed distress in response to unacquainted stimuli and conclude that such behavior is due to shyness. However，it is too arbitrary to draw this conclusion since the number of respondents were too limited and without a control group of babies, we cannot rule out the possibility that all babies may have the same response by their innate instinct of protecting themselves.

What about the follow-up study? The author claimed that more than half of the children identified themselves as shy, but he fails to illustrate the reason of their shyness and obscure the extent of shyness. There is a chance that some teenagers may define themselves as shy since they dare not to give public speaking before thousands of people, while another group call themselves shy just because they are not brave to face strangers. The two situations can both be called shy since different people may have different definition of shyness and different demands on themselves. The survey could be more convincing if the cause of their shyness and the fact whether they are shy indeed were provided.

Finally, the author disregarded the influence of environment in the follow-up study and the whole argument is based on his own supposition. As is known to all, personal growth could not merely base on innate factor, environment also plays a crucial role in a child’s growth both psychologically and physically. Without the information of these children’s education background, family circumstances, living conditions, it is impossible to conclude that their shyness only relates to melatonin. Perhaps some parents are not very out-going or talkative, so their children may very likely to behave like them. Moreover, even though melatonin surely causes shyness, there is no evidence to prove that this influence is permanent and can never be eliminated. People can be changed by environment, and I firmly believe that under certain circumstances, even people who are born to shy can also be converted to be brave and confidence.

While the original intention is innocent since the author tries to find out some causes of children’s shyness, but before the final conclusion is drawn, we should consider other factors and situations. Much more work is necessary for some specialized research institutes to discover the real reason of their shyness and detailed function of melatonin. After all, an incomplete survey and conclusion can only lead to misunderstanding and confusion.

tingsnowyUID: 2739192

The argument seems reasonable at first sight, but cannot stand up to much scrutiny. Since without credible evidence of the relationship between melatonin and shyness, the extent of shyness, the influence of acquired environment，it is too hasty to draw the conclusion that melatonin can cause babies to suffer from(suffer from表现的是“受苦，遭受”之类的意思，可是argument里应该没这么说，shyness其实也不算是一种受苦叭？充其量只是一种性格罢了) shyness in all their lives（这里也是有问题的，稍后会指出）. Further analysis is needed in order to make a sound and well-rounded judgment.

The author’s assertion is based on the premise that the studied 25 infants were all been（？前提只是说were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn啊…） conceived in early autumn, which should be highly questioned. Without convincing evidence of the exact time and conditions of these mothers’ pregnancy, it is too hasty to conclude that melatonin, which was supposed to increase with decreased daylight, could cause distress in babies. As a matter of fact, daylight in winter is much shorter than that in early autumn. (这里是说因为没有告诉确切的怀孕时间和怀孕情况，所以不能说M导致了distress。思路很好，但作者前提的那里有点小错误，不应该说all。)


Even if these mothers were proved to have babies in early autumn, and then produce(produced) melatonin, the author still fails to clarify the detailed function of melatonin. He(he/she) only claimed that it is a hormone known to affect some brain functions, but whether the influence was exerted on mother or baby? If it only has bearing on mother, baby would not be affected and then has shyness.[这个论点很好，是我没有想到的！] Besides, there is no evidence to prove that whether this kind of hormone could undoubtedly cause shyness. The author cited a study of 25 infants, who showed distress in response to unacquainted stimuli and conclude(concluded) that such behavior is(was) due to shyness. However，it is too arbitrary to draw this conclusion since the number of respondents were(was) too limited and(and后面的因为跟前面不是一个意思了，建议重新开始写一句话。) without a control group of babies, we cannot rule out the possibility that all babies may have the same response by their innate instinct of protecting themselves.
[针对M写了两点，一个是M的影响没说清楚，另一个是样本数量不足缺少对照组不能确定M和shyness的关系。]


What about the follow-up study? The author claimed that more than half of the children identified themselves as shy, but he fails to illustrate the reason of their shyness and obscure the extent of shyness.（主题句显得有点拖沓，首先，开头问了个问题显得很突兀；其次，这几段很多时候引用了作者的话其实是没有太多必要的，建议就直接写作者在哪儿些地方有问题就可以了，这样才能让主题句更简洁，观点更明确。[个人建议]） There is a chance that some teenagers may define themselves as shy since they dare not to(dare如果做aux.就不用to, 如果是做vt. 就应该是don’t dare to，这里应该把to删去) give public speaking before thousands of people, while another group call themselves shy just because they are not brave to face strangers. The two situations can both be called shy since different people may have different definition of shyness and different demands on themselves. The survey could be more convincing if the cause of their shyness and the fact whether they are shy indeed were provided.
[质疑第二个调查，shyness的标准问题]

Finally, the author disregarded the influence of environment in the follow-up study and the whole argument is based on his own supposition. As is known to all, personal growth could not merely base on innate factor, environment also plays a crucial role in a child’s growth both psychologically and physically. Without the information of these children’s education background, family circumstances, living conditions, it is impossible to conclude that their shyness only relates to melatonin. Perhaps some parents are not very out-going or talkative, so their children may (be) very likely to behave like them. Moreover, even though melatonin surely causes shyness, there is no evidence to prove that this influence is permanent and can never be eliminated(我觉得这里又牵扯到一个原题理解的问题，题目中说continues into later life[延续至以后的生活]但并没说all their lives, 所以如果你这么理解的话就不正确了。这个问题在第一段也出现了，放到这里一起说叭。). People can be changed by environment, and I firmly believe that under certain circumstances, even people who are born to shy can also be converted to be brave and confidence(confident).
[这里是关于other explanations的质疑，主要的问题就是不应该把原题中没有绝对化的观点放到你的文章里，为了反驳它，就绝对化了。这样会让人觉得你在故弄玄虚]

While the original intention is innocent since the author tries to find out some causes of children’s shyness, but before the final conclusion is drawn, we should consider other factors and situations. Much more work is necessary for some specialized research institutes to discover the real reason of their(their的指代不明确，因为你这句话的主语是much more work，their最好是换成the teenagers’) shyness and detailed function of melatonin. After all, an incomplete survey and conclusion can only lead to misunderstanding and confusion.

小结：文章结构很清楚，某些逻辑错误是我没有想到的，学习！
主要的问题有：1. 不应该把原题中的话绝对化了 2. 主题句可以更清楚一点 把逻辑错误直接指出来 比如shyness那段，感觉直接写shyness的定义不同会更有质感。

dreamerdanceUID: 2759402

The author’s assertion is based on the premise that the studied 25 infants were more likely to have been conceived than infants in early autumn, which should be highly questioned. Without convincing evidence of the exact time and conditions of these mothers’ pregnancy, it is too hasty to conclude that melatonin, which was supposed to increase with decreased daylight, could cause distress in babies. As a matter of fact, daylight in winter is much shorter than that in early autumn.

Even if these mothers were proved to have babies in early autumn, and then produced melatonin, the author still fails to clarify the relationship between melatonin and shyness. He only claimed that it is a hormone known to affect some brain functions, but whether the influence was exerted on mother or baby? If it only has bearing on mother, baby would not be affected and then has shyness. Besides, there is no evidence to prove that whether this kind of hormone could undoubtedly cause shyness. The author cited a study of 25 infants, who showed distress in response to unacquainted stimuli and concluded that such behavior was due to shyness. However， without a control group of babies, we cannot rule out the possibility that all babies may have the same response by their innate instinct of protecting themselves.

What about the follow-up study? The author fails to clarify the reason of their shyness and obscure the extent of shyness. There is a chance that some teenagers may define themselves as shy since they dare not give public speaking before hundreds of people; while another group call themselves shy just because they are not brave to face strangers. The two situations can both be called shy since different people may have different definition of shyness and different demands on themselves. The survey could be more convincing if the cause of their shyness and the fact whether they are shy indeed was provided.

Finally, the author disregarded the influence of environment in the follow-up study. As is known to all, personal growth could not merely base on innate factor, environment also plays a crucial role in a child’s growth both psychologically and physically. Without the information of these children’s education background, family circumstances, living conditions, it is impossible to conclude that their shyness only relates to melatonin. Perhaps some parents are not very out-going or talkative, so their children may be very likely to behave like them. Moreover, even though melatonin surely causes shyness, there is no evidence to prove that this influence is permanent and can never be eliminated. People can be changed by the environment, and I firmly believe that under certain circumstances, even people who are born to shy can also be converted to be brave and confident.

While the original intention is innocent since the author tries to find out some causes of children’s shyness, but before the final conclusion is drawn, other factors and situations should be considered. Much more work is necessary for some specialized research institutes to discover the real reason of teenagers’ shyness and detailed function of melatonin. After all, an incomplete survey and conclusion can only lead to misunderstanding and confusion.