作文第三波，很认真地写了改了，求问能否到6.5

扇舞丹青UID: 2905322

Some people believe a country will benefit greatly by a high percentage of young people go to universities, others argue that it only leads to graduate unemployment discuses both and give your own opinion.


Recently, a heated debate has arisen over whether adolescents should receive higher education in a sizable proportion. Some people argue that this will exert beneficial influence on society. Whereas some others see its downside ,such as resulting in increasingly higher unemployment rate. Before presenting my view ,I intend to discuss both sides of the argument.

The supporters of such a tendency have generally focused on three arguments. The first is that policies such as encouraging young people to accept 4-year higher education can output abundant human resources to the development of one country, especially for those Third World Countries. In addition, as for the post 80s groups, they are too young to make judicious decisions in the society teemed with temptation; therefore, it seems advisable for them to stay in the relatively safe and peaceful campus. The third argument raised in favor of having immense scale of adolescents going to universities follows from the second, The argument is that although they may earn money and acquire particular social experience if they went to work immediately after graduating from high school, such job opportunities may more likely to associated with physical requirement instead of intelligence, which will not provide them sufficient incomes for decent subsistence.

Some opponents, however, are strongly against large proportion of young boys and girls all go to universities blindly and maintain that it will merely contribute to unemployment. First of all, once numerous students surge into universities, it will overburden teacher and make too much pressure over campus accommodation, thereby decreasing education quality. Moreover, disproportionate graduates and job vacancy will contribute to massive unemployment with no doubt. There is no denying that there is some truth in the above point of view. Nonetheless, from my perspective, intensity of competition is a symbol which shows the promotion of individuals’ capability and one country’s sustainable development.

Considering the social atmosphere today, though the extension for higher education has leveled down university standards for some extent, it is not the time to transform popular education into elite education since undergraduate period. As far as I am concerned, we should assure most youngsters to accept undergraduate education and encourage elites among them to pursue higher degrees such as MPHIL and PHD.

KinsimonUID: 2846953

（红色和蓝色都是不同程度的错误&不切当用法；当然我标出来的只是部分。）
6应该能过。6.5不好说.

第三段关于你自己的观点的插入，个人觉得不是很自然。应该不用这么直接“Nonetheless, from my perspective...”，或者你直接点明其弊端就好了.这样考官就知道你是有所偏重的.当然你结尾的时候还会回应1下.

语法还有不少很silly的错误。尽量减少

加油加油~~~

扇舞丹青UID: 2905322

是要改成这样吗？因为IF引导的是条件状语从句？而不是虚拟语气对吗？
The argument is that although they will earn money and acquire particular social experience if they go to work immediately after graduating from high school,
2# Kinsimon

扇舞丹青UID: 2905322

2# Kinsimon

"such job opportunities are more likely to associate with physical requirement instead of intelligence, which will not provide them sufficient incomes for decent subsistence. " 这句绞尽脑汁只能想到这样改了。。。求Kinsimon 指点，初高中的语法东西很多都忘了

扇舞丹青UID: 2905322

2# Kinsimon

Moreover, disproportionate graduates and job vacancy will contribute to massive unemployment with no doubt. 其实我一直觉得这句有问题 想表达毕业生于职位空缺的不成比例。

KinsimonUID: 2846953

The argument is that although they will （原文的may也可以）earn money and acquire particular social experience if they (go to可以省掉吧) work immediately after graduating from high school,

这里不用虚拟。

KinsimonUID: 2846953

such job opportunities are more likely to be associated  with (/involve) physical requirement/work 　instead of intelligence, which will not provide them with sufficient incomes for decent subsistence (/for a decent living).

or.
-------------
such job opportunities are more likely to involve physical work rather than intelligence, which will not provide them with sufficient incomes for a decent living.
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像Emily说过的. If you cannot use them rightly, just do not use them at all.
我加一句.Only use those expressions that you are sure of.

扇舞丹青UID: 2905322

按照你的提示 我这样进行了修改和订正！

Recently, a heated debate has arisen over whether adolescents should receive higher
education in a sizable proportion. Some people argue that this will exert beneficial influence on society. Whereas some others see its downsides such as increasingly higher unemployment rate. Before presenting my view,I intend to discuss both sides of the argument.
The supporters of such a tendency have generally focused on three arguments. The first is that policies such as encouraging young people to accept 4-year higher education can provide abundant human resources to the development of one country, especially for those Third World Countries. In addition, as for the post 80s groups, they are too young to make judicious decisions in the society teemed with temptation; therefore, it seems advisable for them to stay in the relatively safe and peaceful campus. The third argument raised in favor of having immense scale of adolescents going to universities follows from the second, The argument is that although they will earn money and acquire particular social experience if they go to work immediately after graduating from high school, such job opportunities are more likely to associate with physical requirement instead of intelligence, which will not provide them sufficient incomes for decent subsistence.
Some opponents, however, are strongly against large proportion of young boys and girls all going to universities blindly and maintain that it will merely contribute to unemployment. First of all, once numerous students surge into universities, it will overburden teachers and make too much pressure over campus accommodation, thereby decreasing education quality. Moreover, disproportionate graduates and job vacancy will contribute to massive unemployment with no doubt. There is no denying that there is some truth in the above point of view. Nonetheless, intensity of competition is a symbol which shows the promotion of individuals’ capability and one country’s sustainable development.
Considering the social atmosphere today, though the extension for higher education has leveled down university standards to some extent, it is not the time to transform popular education into elite education in undergraduate period. As far as I am concerned, we should assure most youngsters to accept undergraduate education and encourage elites among them to pursue higher degrees such as MPHIL and PHD.




但是 最后一句的 among them 还是不知道该怎么改
2# Kinsimon

KinsimonUID: 2846953

2# Kinsimon  

Moreover, disproportionate graduates and job vacancy will contribute to massive unemployment with no doubt. 其实我一直觉得这句有问题 想表达毕业生于职位空缺的不成比例。
扇舞丹青 发表于 2010-11-13 18:22

用unbalanced

KinsimonUID: 2846953

按照你的提示 我这样进行了修改和订正！

Recently, a heated debate has arisen over whether adolescents should receive higher
education in a sizable proportion. Some people argue that this will exert  ...
扇舞丹青 发表于 2010-11-13 18:30

whereas是连词，不能直接放在一个句子的开头；你还是没用对。.., whereas....; or Whereas.., ....
最后一句as far as I am concerned, 你也没用对.一般后面直接跟I 做主语.


------
我要忙了，后头再说 = =

KinsimonUID: 2846953

这篇就这样吧。看EmilyS什么时候来或者再给你一些建议；
最后补充下，下次最好是用铅笔写然后再用text打好复制上来。
不能用word；不能查词典（online的也不行；直接从网上copy过来好像很不负责任阿）...

希望不断进步哈~

扇舞丹青UID: 2905322

谢谢你！！ 我是用铅笔写的，但是打到WORD上的时候就忍不住改了。。。。。。，还查了词典，用了GOOGLE，下次不这样了。。。 11# Kinsimon

EmilySUID: 2922208

被点名了！！好吧我出现了。这两天加班没什么时间改。所以会难得出现一次。

先说一下LZ同学的最严重的问题吧。。。LZ同学太纠结于用词和句型，导致词不达意。很多时候用简单的表达就可以的，但是太复杂的词和结构没用好的话就完全没有意义了。所以LZ要么好好研究复杂词句的用法，要么还是好好用简单句。稍微改了下，越改到后来越改不下去，因为实在不知道LZ的本意是什么解读不能。。。

扇舞丹青UID: 2905322

被点名了！！好吧我出现了。这两天加班没什么时间改。所以会难得出现一次。

先说一下LZ同学的最严重的问题吧。。。LZ同学太纠结于用词和句型，导致词不达意。很多时候用简单的表达就可以的，但是太复杂的词和结构 ...
EmilyS 发表于 2010-11-14 04:16

啊 我 就是 今天才刚刚看到，，，，罪过。太喜欢你了，真好啊！我今天自习时修改了一下第三段，又把你的建议加了进去，请你帮我看看最后一句的表达可以吗？我刚刚明白对于这种题目里有观点是only 怎样的时候 应该怎样驳论，实在不好意思 这篇文章让你受委屈了。。。。。。

Some opponents, however, are strongly against the fact that large proportion of young people  go to universities indiscriminately .They also maintain that it will enventually result in unemployment. First of all, once numerous students surge into universities, it will overburden teacher and other educational resources, thereby leveling down education quality. Moreover, disproportionate graduates and job vacancies will contribute to massive unemployment. There is no denying that there is some truth in the above point of view. However, even if popular education was abolished, it will not guarantee to alleviate the employment pressure.

EmilySUID: 2922208

http://examples.yourdictionary.com/indiscriminate

上面的链接是indiscriminate的用法。希望对你有所启发...我还是那句话，简单词用好了很漂亮，大词用不好就显得很诡异。

Some opponents, however, are strongly against the fact that large proportion of young people  go to universities blindly/without restriction/without further consideration.They also maintain that it will enventually result in unemployment 这里我上文改过。result in unemployment 在逻辑上有问题。是所有人都unemploy么，不是。只是rate增加而已。又不是世界末日怎么会result in unemployment.... First of all, once numerous students surge into universities, it will overburden teacher and other educational resources, thereby是多余的 leveling down education quality. Moreover, disproportionate graduates and job vacancies will contribute to massive unemployment. There is no denying that there is some truth in the above point of view. However, even if popular education 偏题...怎么变成popular education了... was abolished, it will not guarantee to alleviate the employment pressure.