ARGUMENT55 求拍

maxine429UID: 2686120

写的第三篇，有点慢，45分钟的样子，希望有人可以来拍一下！顺便想要问下，这样按照北美套路的开头有没有问题，我几乎是原话复述了，自己感觉还是很有问题的。

ARGUMENT55 - The following appeared in a Letter to the Editor of the Shady Village newspaper.

"Commuters are complaining that the rush hour traffic on Blue Highway between Shady Village and Bright City has doubled their commuting time. Some commuters have asked that an additional traffic lane be built, but the recent creation of such a lane on nearby Green Highway apparently attracted more commuters, judging from the fact that rush-hour traffic jams actually increased there this past winter. To reduce rush-hour traffic on Blue Highway, a bicycle lane should be added instead of a traffic lane. This approach will succeed because many citizens of Shady Village are avid bicyclists; 75 percent of respondents to a recent questionnaire distributed there said they would like to bicycle more hours per week than they currently do."

In this letter, the author assumes that bicycle lane should be added instead of a traffic lane to reduce rush-hour traffic on Blue Highway. To support the assumption the author cites a fact that an additional traffic lane built on Green Highway increase the rush-hour traffic jams. The author also points out that many citizens of Shady Village are avid bicyclists and a questionnaire that 75 percent of respondents said they would like to spend much more time to ride a bike per week. Although this argument might seem reasonable at first glance, it is logically flawed in several respects.

In the first place, the author relies on an unfair analogy between Blue Highway and Green Highway. Actually, there is no evidence that the Blue Highway would have rush-hour traffic jams if it built an additional traffic lane like Green Highway did. It is quite possible that the condition on Green Highway is crucially different with one's on Blue Highway such as the road condition, the population, the environment and the weather, which cause the traffic jams on Green Highway. Beside, perhaps the traffic jams in winter of the Green Highway is a special case compared to other seasons, and sometimes, in winter people slow driving maybe one of the reasons to the rush-hour traffic jams. Without ruling out all these explanations, the author cannot conclude the argument hastily.

In addition, according to many avid bicyclists in Shady Village, the author suspects that adding a bicycle lane is a successful approach. However, the author cannot provide any evidence to support this assumption. We have no information about these bicyclists that if they will prefer ride on the Blue Highway. Furthermore, perhaps riding bikes are just their hobby for pleasure in free time rather than the transportation for rush-hour. If so, it will be nothing to do with the rush-time traffic jams. Since the author has failed to consider other possibilities, the argument is unconvincing.

Last but not the least, the author points out a result of a questionnaire that 75% percent of respondents would like to bicycle more hours per weeks than they currently do. Nevertheless, the author fails to provide the number and any other condition of the respondents that if they are representative in general. However, as a common sense, people who usually respond to this questionnaire would have more interest in bicycle. Besides, even if the result of the survey is reliable, there is no evidence that such more bicycle hours would be spent in rush hours. Unless eliminating these possibilities, the author cannot rely on the unbelievable questionnaire.

In sum, the author's argument mentioned above is unpersuasive. It is not based on a valid comparison between Green Highway and Blue highway and questionnaire, neither of which is dispensable for a conclusion argument. In order to draw a better conclusion and strengthen it, the author should have more information about the Blue Highway and Green Highway to have an effective comparison and reliable survey about the Shady Village and Bright City.

蜥蜴也飞UID: 2894889

首先 回答你的问题 我看了一些东西，还是转述吧，别重复了。。不过我觉得你的开头表达还不错
再来说文章的总体思路。我觉得你的三个主题段落的安排还是不错的。最大的错误在最前面，次要的在后面。 不过我觉得三个段落之间的层次感和联系不是很强。也许我是深受让步式攻击的影响了。。呵呵 仅仅是个人建议
加油加油！我觉得写的不错。。。。话说夜色已深。。我眼神不好使。。。有错误请指出！
晚安

maxine429UID: 2686120

首先 回答你的问题 我看了一些东西，还是转述吧，别重复了。。不过我觉得你的开头表达还不错
再来说文章的总体思路。我觉得你的三个主题段落的安排还是不错的。最大的错误在最前面，次要的在后面。 不过我觉得三个段 ...
蜥蜴也飞 发表于 2011-2-15 01:03

刚才一直刷，终于等到有人拍了，感动啊。
我也觉得我这样子开头可能有点问题，我觉得现在我主要还在模仿北美那种开头，希望以后写多了可以有自己的一些方法和套路。话说因为看了一些官方范文，前一篇还试着用那种开头段就简要罗列下错误的那种，可是发现完全来不及写后面了，于是这篇又回到北美的那种开头了。嘿嘿，还是要多练。
你说到的一个问题，就是中间三段联系不够，我想问下这种联系是需要内容上的连贯吗，还是语言上的问题，像多加点那种连贯词承上启下这样呢？

刚才刷屏的时候自己又读了几遍自己写的东西，实在是掩面啊，发现好多很奇怪的写法，语法错误一大堆。:funk: 还得好好改改去！
实在感谢你的评价啊，这么晚了，早点休息哈！:)

蜥蜴也飞UID: 2894889

3# maxine429
我觉得还是要链接一下比较好。。。也许是传说中的逻辑性强的概念吧。。。段落之间要有一定的联系。。用点连接词。。。呵呵 其实 我就是小宝老师的信徒。。只会让步。。。你可以多参考下坛子里的习作。。。我也多学习学习
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1225505&highlight=
这个貌似蛮给力的!晚安

maxine429UID: 2686120

让步式攻击？我突然想起来了，是不是那种even if怎么样，然后怎么样的那种？
恩恩，这种我要去练一下，从来没写过！

maxine429UID: 2686120

4# 蜥蜴也飞

看了那个帖子，我发现我逻辑真的没什么联系的，而且没什么逻辑演变，逐步加深那种，这个我突然觉得是个好大一个问题。然后我回去看了写过的一篇ISSUE, 啊，那个段与段之间也没什么逻辑啊，感觉分开来看都没问题的！

我要去研究下逻辑问题的！！谢谢你的指出！