Daily Writing-sEven_zh

justin234UID: 2815444

2.21 独立修改

sEven_zhUID: 3007258

2.22的作业，每天一感谢，帮忙改的同学辛苦了。

林水监UID: 2895077

11# sEven_zh 不好意思改晚了

beangtUID: 2691375

2.22 独立修改
Everybody is born with their own family, in fact, sweet family. To some degree, families are everybody’s whole world. Therefore, most of people are always trying to spend majority of their free (time) to be with their families. With the development of the society, more and more teenagers have less time to share with their families, which lead to a fever (severe) debate about whether it is important to eating together with families regularly.
我觉得第一段应该表明自己的观点

Undeniablely?, it’s important to hold near with our family. Because families are those who always standing by our side whether in the period we are in a big trouble, or some time we need for someone’s help. Consequently, all of us should often contact with our families wherever we are. However, if somebody says that we should eat meals with our families regularly, he may ignore some probable problems that may hinder us from meeting our families regularly.

Most of students are likely to devote themselves into their career after graduating from the college, hence there maybe not easy (it is not easy) for them to go back their home whenever if they want. What’s more, most of the graduates are always consider that they always have a lot of opportunities to be together with their families, while they will never meet the chance that can begin their ideal career again once they let it go. In fact, on account of the realistic situation, it’s reasonable to make such a conclusion.
以上两段我不太清楚你想说的是什么。
Let’s consider about this problem on (from) the other angle. From my prospective, it’s not the only (way/approach) to keep contacting with our families. Thanks for(to) the modern information technology, we are able to take a video chat through the Internet even if we are both in the opposite side (different corners) of the world. Furthermore, not have (having) dinner with family regularly cannot be considered equally with that we don’t have (our not having) dinner with them.(这句话要好好改改) We can have meals together in a flexible way, for instance, I come from a business trip and got a short break before I coming back to work, I can date out all of my families and share a happy day with them.

With all above reasons (with all the reasons stated above), we can safely draw a conclusion that it is required to have dinner with our families but not in a regularly way. Family life is the origin of the sense of happiness, but not a stuff that like a business mission required to be finished by us.

我觉得这篇理由有一点不好，可能是表达的不太清楚，有一些语言需要修改。加油！

bibby00888UID: 2908529

2.22独立修改意见

sEven_zhUID: 3007258

2.23的综合，今天有点晚了不好意思，我马上帮组员们改~

sEven_zhUID: 3007258

2.24综合写作

辛苦组员们了~大家一起进步

candis712UID: 2824089

2.23修改 晚了。。。请查收

笑会计UID: 2872606

改好

sEven_zhUID: 3007258

2.25独立
辛苦组员了

beangtUID: 2691375

2.25独立修改

With the development of the society, city dwellers spent most of their time in office or the campus during weekdays. It is required for them to concentrate on their hobbies in the weekend, but everyone have different hobby (hobbies), some people like enjoying the art work or listening live music, while others prefer swimming or playing a kind of ball (好诡异的说法). With this conflict, an intense argument about whether the government should spend money on building some museums and odeums or on swimming pools and so on. In my opinion, I suggest that adding some art device (这个词不对，但我也想不出改换成什么) is better to the city.

Undeniable, doing some exercises such as running, playing football and swimming is good for people’s health. That’s what I want to maintain, if someone do exercises for keeping himself fit and away from diseases, they can have a run everywhere in the city without any device or a place just built for doing exercise. Thus, take those place for art exhibition as a counterpart, places for doing gym (exercises) seems not as important as the former one.

Take my experience as an example. I used to play a band with several of my friends, we play electronic guitar, bass and drum, we find (found) a small rehearsal house where contain required music device to rehearse in. However, when we are (were) planing to organize a show or a concert, we found that it is (was) hard to find a place where can offer us both enough space and required equipment. Our experience has manifested that art performance and art relevant activities are limited by device, not as easy to realize as sport activities. In short, art performance should be supported by the government.

Furthermore, building art facilities can bring an additional profit to the government. When a music live or an opera will be performed in the odeum, those who interested in are will buy tickets to view it as audience.
By this measure, the government can satisfy some citizen’s need, in the mean time, solidify the government’s finance.

With those reasons stated above, we can safely draw a conclusion that building odeum is a wise choice rather than building exercise place. In this way, government can ensure everybody (to) have space to enjoy their hobbies and less contradiction will be presented.


结构挺清晰的,但是感觉展开不够充分，好多小错误需要注意一下。加油！

伶女UID: 2797207

25号的  改晚了
不好意思啦

sEven_zhUID: 3007258

2.28独立~
组员辛苦啦~

waiting1UID: 2997856

Nowadays, with the development of transportation technique, more and more people, especially young people, are become（插入语一用忘记了时态。要注意哦）
more likely（是想表达更喜欢还是更可能啊？我感觉这个用法不好。说不上来，就是怪怪的） to move to a new place rather than stay in a place immutably. In the mean time, there are some people who（最好不要省吧。我不习惯省略） say that leaving a place（leave a place就会lose friends?你可以想象下你天天可能都在离开学校，但lose fris了？
）will lead to a losing of friends. To this view, I have an opposite one, that is, moving to a new city or a country will not lead to a negative effect（我觉得你这里直接说，我不同意以上那个观点。比较好。Negative effect有很多啊？而且lead to重复了）.
我感觉你第一段有点套模板诶。。。


To begin with, as somebody（金山词霸给我的解释是“某人，有人”，不妥额） supposes that place mutation is a friendship killer, I have to make a state. Undeniable, moving may make a loss of those people you used to play with, (.)As a matter of fact, if a ‘friend’ was lost（这样的用法我感觉会引起歧义额。迷失？拙见） just because you have moved to another place, it can safely manifest（我感觉在同一句子里出现两个类似表达不很好吧） that he is not a true friend of you. The definition of friendship is, a people who always stand by your side and never forget your existence, even if you are far away from him. There is a motto that ’a friend in need is a friend indeed’, thus, the real friend will never be lost.
我觉得如果你的观点是moving不会导致loss of fri，那么你就应该证明为什么moving不会导致。而不是说，你觉得真正的朋友不会因为moving而loss，所以moving不会导致。试着直接从正面来说。不要绕圈圈。譬如你可以这样组织这段：观点；我们可以通过现代工具，扣扣等联系啊；然后举例说你在异乡学习，和老家的朋友保持联系，友谊长存啊etc。
然后就是，你这段没有eg，也许ets不会喜欢额。说理太多了。（拙见）
请忽视以上的举例。我没看到你的下一段。反正就是类似这个意思。

Furthermore, stay far away from your friends does not mean that you will never hear from him. Although is quite a hardship to meet him again（你想用倒装？额。有点奇怪）, but meeting is not the unique way to contact with（contact是动词的话，直接加宾语） your friend. With the rapid development of the information technology, the connection between two people will not be hampered by the difference of location. For instance, one of my best friends has migrated to Canada 4 year ago, we have just met 2or3 times during these 4 years. But we always chat with each other by MSN and e-mail, our message can be sent to the other one within a second after we emit it, by this way, we keep knowing each other’s life and we are still best friends now.

To say the least, although moving to another place may decrease the possibility of meeting（seeing） your friend again, it’s worth when you take enlarge（这个用法我没见过额。直接could enlarge吧） your horizon as a counterpart（？不明白）. Moving to a new place can enrich our experience with different scenery(风景？）, different kinds of people and different culture. All these stuff will never be known if you stay in a immutable place（不朽的地方- -）. Furthermore, new friend is also available in a different city or an exotic place（有点重复）.
这段还是说理太多了。而且，主题是because of the loss of old friends。这段似乎写的太远了吧。或许只说一点——能交新朋友。然后详细展开较好。

With the reasons I stated above, I can safely draw a conclusion that worry about losing friend is not a significant factor that deserves to be considered（要说明下是在何种情况下是可以忽视的吧）, and moving to another place is advisable.
或许这段你可以直接这样说moving to another place is advisable, as观点123的同义改写。你的写法只是简单重复，似乎没有必要。

其实二三两段的内容是可以并在一起的。然后四段有点远了。

抱歉有点乱啊。- -

qianhuangUID: 2766587

2月28日 独立 修改


Nowadays, with thedevelopment of transportation technique, more and more people, especially youngpeople, become more likely to move to a new place rather than stay in a placeimmutably. But In the mean time, there are some people say that leaving a placewill lead to a losing of friends.←（这句应该和第一句来个转折，会自然一些） To this view, I have an opposite one,that is, moving to a new city or a country will not lead to a negative effect.

To begin with, assomebody supposes that place mutation is a friendship killer, I have to make astate. Undeniablely(这个词应该用副词，但是我没查到这个副词。平时常用的是undoubtedly), moving may make a loss ofthose people you used to play with, as a matter of fact, if a ‘friend’ was lostjust because you have move to another place, it can safely manifest that he isnot a true friend of you. The definition of friendship is, a people who alwaysstand by your side and never forget your existence, even if you are far awayfrom him. There is a motto that ’a friend in need is a friend indeed’, thus,the real friend will never be lost.

Furthermore, stayfar away from your friends does not mean that you will never hear from him.Although it （或者你用了倒装？）is quite a hardship to meet him again, but meeting isnot the unique way to contact with your friend. With the rapid development ofthe information technology（换成通信技术可能更明确些）, the connection between two people willnot be hampered by the difference of location. For instance, one of my bestfriends has migrated to Canada 4 year ago, we have just met 2or3 times duringthese 4 years. But we always chat with each other by MSN and e-mail, ourmessage can be sent to the other one within a second after we emit it, by thisway, we keep knowing each other’s life and we are still best friends now.

To say the least, althoughmoving to another place may decrease the possibility of meeting your friendagain, it’s worth when you take enlarge your horizon as a counterpart. Movingto a new place can enrich our experience with different scenery, differentkinds of people and different culture. All these stuff will never be known ifyou stay in an immutable place. Furthermore, new friend is also available in adifferent city or an exotic place.

With the reasons Istated above, I can safely draw a conclusion that worry about losing friend isnot a significant factor that deserves to be considered, and moving to anotherplace is advisable.
我觉得总的思路很清晰，写的挺好了，没什么大的问题。