argument11 求拍！

maxine429UID: 2686120

当时写的时候只有408字，自己改了下，差不多460多左右。还有12天就考了，求指教！

"Two years ago, our consultants predicted that West Egg's landfill, which is used for garbage disposal, would be completely filled within five years. During the past two years, however, town residents have been recycling twice as much aluminum and paper as they did in previous years. Next month the amount of material recycled should further increase, since charges for garbage pickup will double. Furthermore, over ninety percent of the respondents to a recent survey said that they would do more recycling in the future. Because of our residents' strong commitment to recycling, the available space in our landfill should last for considerably longer than predicted."
WORDS: 408
TIME: 00:30:25
DATE: 2011-3-8 21:41:32

In the argument, the author asserts that the available space in our landfill should last for longer than predicted two years ago. To support his/her assumption, the author points out some evidence to prove that their residents have strong recycling sense. Although the argument seems reasonable at first glance, it is in fact flawed in several critical respects.

To begin with, the author cites the fact that town residents have been recycling twice as much aluminum and paper as they did in previous year. However, the author fails to provide any evidence to substantiate that this recycling will lead to less garbage. First, as a common sense, the aluminum and paper do not constitute the main garbage of total quantity. Aside from aluminum and paper, there are many different types of garbage such as our life garbage. Thus, without considering the recycling situation of other garbage, it is hasty and risky to accept the assumption that the garbage will decline.

Additionally, the mere fact that the charges for garbage pickup will double is scant evidence for that the amount of material recycled should further increase. First, the author fails to consider if all the garbage can be recycling used. Otherwise, since most of the garbage cannot be recycling used, this double charge will not work on garbage effectively. Besides, if the residents have already done perfectly with recycling, they may not react actively for this double charge. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author's assumption cannot be taken seriously.

Furthermore, the author unfairly assumes that the respondents of this recent survey are representative in general. However, the author fails to provide any information about these respondents, such as age, gender, occupation and etc. Lacking necessary information, it is impossible to confidently draw any conclusion about general subject. Besides, their potential willing to do more recycling in the future does not necessarily indicates that they will actually do in the future. Therefore, unless the author provides more information about the respondents and survey, the result of the survey is not reliable as it stands.

Last but not least, even if the recycling is successful in WE, the author in fact neglects some changes will take place in the town. Actually, the prediction is merely suitable for the period in two years ago. It is possible that the population has increased in two years. As a result, the garbage certainly increased either. Since the author fails to consider some changes about this town, the author's assumption is not convincing.

In sum, the argument mentioned above is ill-conceived. It is not based on valid survey or sound reasoning, neither of which is dispensable for a conclusive argument. In order to draw a better conclusion, the author should cites more evidence to convince me that the residents indeed have a strong commitment to recycling, and take every consideration into account.

missingusaUID: 2625832

你可以和这个帖子里的版友组个小组互改 这样效率高 帖子链接：
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1239775-1-1.html

maxine429UID: 2686120

2# missingusa

恩，谢谢版主。

蒲若苇UID: 2669670

错误：红色   修改评价：紫色   亮点：橙色   题目分析：蓝色

"Two years ago, our consultants predicted that West Egg's landfill, which is used for garbage disposal, would be completely filled within five years. During the past two years, however, town residents have been recycling twice as much aluminum and paper as they did in previous years（事实）. Next month the amount of material recycled should further increase（推论）, since charges for garbage pickup will double（事实）. Furthermore, over ninety percent of the respondents to a recent survey said that they would do more recycling in the future（事实）. Because of our residents' strong commitment to recycling（推论）, the available space in our landfill should last for considerably longer than predicted（结论）."



In the argument, the author asserts (concludes这是结论不是假设) that the available space in our (用原文中的West Egg's, 不要出现my, our等主观词汇) landfill should last for longer than predicted two years ago. To support his/her assumption (this conclusion), the author points out some evidence to prove that their residents (residents there) have a strong recycling sense. Although the argument seems reasonable at first glance, it is in fact flawed in several critical respects. (开头段简洁，结论和反驳的大方向都指出了，不错！但个别用词需要注意，分清题目中的事实、推论和结论)

To begin with, the author cites the fact that town residents have been recycling twice as much aluminum and paper as they did in previous year. However, the author fails to provide any evidence to substantiate that this recycling will lead to less garbage (To begin with, the author wrongly assumes that high recycling rate of aluminum and paper would lead to less garbage 按逻辑两句并一句，简洁清楚). First (我为什么没有找到Second Third呢？), as a common sense, the aluminum and paper do not constitute the main garbage (没有这种说法) of total quantity (the aluminum and paper just contribute a small scale of total garbage quantity). Aside from aluminum and paper, there are many other different types of garbage such as our life garbage (具体说一下life garbage包括什么, such as后面一般要接2~3个短语). （此处可以接着写：即使铝和纸比之前循环使用多，但如果使用由于生活物质需要，铝和纸的使用总量增加了，循环使用后仍然可能超过之前的使用量）Thus, without considering the recycling situation of other garbage, it is hasty and risky to accept the assumption that the garbage will decline. (段开头最好一句指出本段要论述的错误点,反驳理由找的不错，但没深入展开，应多做假设、多让步分析)

Additionally, the mere fact that the charges for garbage pickup will double is scant evidence for that the amount of material recycled should further increase (这句比上段开头好，直接指出了事实和推论间的逻辑错误！). First, the author fails to consider if (汉语思路：fails to consider后面接的就是错误，怎么会接if “是否”呢？fails to assume that) all the garbage can be recycling used (无这种说法，used for recycling 或recycled). (此处未展开，可以举例说明哪些垃圾占了很大部分却是是不能recycle的) Otherwise, since most of the garbage cannot be recycling used, this double charge will not work on garbage effectively. Besides, if the residents have already done perfectly with recycling, they may not react actively for this double charge (这点想法不错，但若我没看你的提纲可能不懂这句的意思，最好展开分析下这种情况). Without ruling out these possibilities, the author's assumption cannot be taken seriously. (点子都想到了，但还只是点到为止，未深入展开，可以运用举例或模拟情景等展开分析)

Furthermore, the author unfairly assumes that the respondents of this recent survey are representative in general. However (这和首句不构成转折吧，这句就是分析为什么是不representative的，注意连接词的使用), the author fails to provide any background information about these respondents, such as age, gender, occupation and etc (去掉and,注意etc的用法). Lacking necessary information, it is impossible to confidently draw any conclusion about general subject. Besides, their potential willing to do more recycling in the future does not necessarily indicates that they will actually do in the future. (还是老问题，没有深入展开：如果他们只想不做会造成什么后果？这个后果与题目的结论有何矛盾之处？)Therefore, unless the author provides more information about the respondents and survey, the result of the survey is not reliable as it stands.

Last but not least, even if the recycling is successful in WE (前面没说明此缩写就不要用，整篇文章都没出现，突然来个WE有点让人摸不着头脑，直接写West Egg即可), the author in fact neglects some changes will take place (taken place,用that 从句要或后置定语) in the town. Actually, the prediction is merely suitable for the period in two years ago (感觉表达不地道Actually, the prediction was made two years ago and everything has been changing all the time, so maybe it is inaccurate now). It is possible that the population has increased in two years. As a result, the garbage certainly increased either. (It is possible that due to the increasing population there, the garbage increased faster than before. So the landfill would be completely filled earlier, even less than 5 years.) Since the author fails to consider some changes about this town, the author's assumption is not convincing.

In sum, the argument mentioned above is ill-conceived. It is not based on valid survey or sound reasoning, neither of which is dispensable for a conclusive argument. In order to draw a better conclusion, the author should cites more evidence to convince me that the residents indeed have a strong commitment to recycling, and take every consideration into account. (这段基本都是废话，放在任何一篇Argument中都能用，最好把上面论述的每段总结成一句写在最好这段或提些具体的意见，而不是虚的！)


总结：
由提纲就能看出来，本文作者的思路比较清楚，每一点也都想到了，主要问题就是论述展开不够，只停留在表面，一个点刚说了问题就结束了开始了下一个点，这样泛泛的写3个点都不如切实详细分析1个点。可能是没掌握层层展开的方法，其实很简单：一就是举例，提出反驳理由后把可能造成的后果及其和错误推论间的联系描述清楚；二就是让步，“即使…还是错误的”，为什么呢？再展开描述。因为作者的逻辑比较清楚，如果能把每点都展开，文章就很好了，加油加油！

PS：个人观点，仅供参考! ^_^

maxine429UID: 2686120

4# 蒲若苇


版主的意见真的很好，每一个都点到了我的缺陷。语言不地道，还有10天，我要尽量注意。最主要的还是不够深入，这也导致我写的时候字数老是不到400！这个是我10天里重点要抓的！

对了，版主，我想问下，如果我写深入了，但是由于时间限制，我可能来不及写其他错误的观点，从观点写全或是写深入，这两者应该偏重哪点呢？我发现北美范文里说，如果漏写了一个重要的逻辑错误，会扣很多分……

最后，还是谢谢版主！被点评一篇文章，胜过我自己匆匆忙忙写10篇！！

蒲若苇UID: 2669670

对了，版主，我想问下，如果我写深入了，但是由于时间限制，我可能来不及写其他错误的观点，从观点写全或是写深入，这两者应该偏重哪点呢？我发现北美范文里说，如果漏写了一个重要的逻辑错误，会扣很多分……

每篇文章一般3点（主要逻辑错误）就足够了，比泛泛的谈4点好的多，观点写深入要重要，毕竟考的是analytical writing考的是逻辑分析能力，比如你的这篇文章，第三四点可以并为一点，调查类错误太多题目中都有，2句话指出就够了，如果实在找不到其他错误，可以展开说

LZ的思路不错，就是写法上再加强就很好啦！ 加油！

maxine429UID: 2686120

6# 蒲若苇

谢谢版主！

幽幽AUID: 2800206

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_57be062f0100q31f.html 谢谢楼主！！！！