Argu76 第二篇求拍

sillydsUID: 2985444

题目：ARGUMENT76 - Thefollowing appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
 
"A group of volunteers participated ina study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for amonth, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At theend of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the waytheir skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective inimproving the condition of facial skin."
字数：430
用时：00:45:00
日期：2011/3/14 23:47:07
 
In the edlitorial, the author concludedthat Luxess, a new face cream, can effectively improve the condition of facialskin from merely a one-month test. The conclusion depending on the reportedskin improvement from volunteers is critical in several respects.
 
To begin with, the amount and features of thosevolunteers participated in the study, can influence the credibility of thestudy. No specific information regarding to the number of testees was providedin the article. It is possible that the number are too small, which can lead toan inaccurate result. On the other hand, whether the volunteers can act as therepresentatives of all consumers is doubtful. Particular background of thetestees, such as the age bracket and the ethnic group, should be involved. Perhapsthose volunteers are from the middle age bracket and the Luxess happened tocontain some anti-aging compounds which take effect on their facial skins.Thus, without specific information about the amount and features of the volunteers,it is hard to say the study is reliable.
 
Even assuming the volunteers arewell-chosened, the author fails to notice the influence brought by mild soap,which was used for face washing before applying the Luxess. The mild soap hasbeen unconciensly added as a new variable of the study and therefore render theconclusion unpersuasive. Perhaps the facial skin improvement is due to the useof mild soap and not the facial cream. The author should provide moreinformation in order to prove that even without the mild soap, the resultremain the same.
 
Even if the mild soap does not affect theresult, the claims about "looked and felt improvement" isunpersuasive to act as evidence of Luxess’s effectiveness in improving facialskin conditions. A marked improvement in the way skin looked and felt does notequate to real enhancement in facial skin conditions. The skin conditionimprovement should be measured by several scientific statistics, such asincrease of average water content in the skin cells, decreases of poles, wrinklesand color spots. Luxess probably took effect through concealing, not eliminating,poles or color spots and the skin conditions may slide back to its originallevel if people stop applying it on face. Thus, specific evindence should beprovided to precisely measure the improvement of skin conditions.
 
In sum, the conclusion of Luxess’seffectiveness is drew upon the unreliable result of a one-month test. Theauthor should provide more background information of the volunteers as well asclear evindence to reason Luxess, not the mild soap, was in fact responsiblefor the facial skin improvement. Also more scientific mearsement of skincondition should be conducted.

蒲若苇UID: 2669670

错误：红色 修改评价：紫色 亮点：橙色   题目分析：蓝色

ARGUMENT76 – The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.

"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."




In the edlitorial, the author concluded that Luxess, a new face cream, can effectively improve the condition of facial skin from merely a one-month test. The conclusion depending on the reported skin improvement from volunteers is critical (有the conclusion is critical这种说法吗？感觉有些别扭，critical很容易理解成“关键性的”，换成ungrounded之类的明显反义词吧) in several respects. (这篇比较简单，开头这样写就可以，简明概括了题目内容)

To begin with, the amount and features (用background好些) of those volunteers who participated in the study, can influence the credibility of the study. No specific information regarding to the number of testees was (is，用一般现在时就可以了) provided in the article. It is possible that the number are (is, the number后面谓语动词用单数) too small, which can lead to an inaccurate result (to lead to an accurate result,直接用too…to…句型即可). On the other hand, whether the volunteers can act as the representatives of all consumers is doubtful. Particular background of the testees, such as the age bracket and the ethnic group, should be involved. Perhaps those volunteers are from the middle age bracket and the Luxess happened (happens) to
contain some anti-aging compounds which take effect on their facial skins. (只说了假设的内容，感觉没说完，这种可能性导致的结果与原题的结论如何相悖？前面你提出了age bracket and ethnic group两种原因，这里说完前者，类似的把ethnic group也写一下，本段会充实许多；亦再把地理因素考虑进去，反驳的全面深入些会很好) Thus, without specific information about the amount and features of the volunteers, it is hard to say the study is reliable.
(回答一下你提的问题：amount and features的问题写在一段里即可，它们都是关于study的可信度的讨论，两者正好从两个方面阐述了这个问题，使本段的论述更充实，分成两段完全没有必要。本段思路正确，但阐述上仅“点到为止”不够深入)

Even assuming the volunteers are well-chosened (well-chosen, chosen已经是过去分词了), the author fails to notice (consider较好) the influence brought by mild soap, which was used for face washing before applying the Luxess. The mild soap has been unconciensly
(unconsciously,注意拼写) added as a new variable of the study and therefore render the conclusion unpersuasive. (这句还不错！) Perhaps the facial skin improvement is due to the use of mild soap and (but) not the facial cream. The author should provide more information (什么样的information，这里说的太含糊了，直接把information内容说出来，比如说再做一组不用wild soap的实验等) in order to prove that even without the mild soap, the result remain the same.
(本段虽短但意思表达的很清楚，但还是那个问题：不深入！已经说wild soap是variable of study，但究竟是怎么影响的？最后的效果和其用量有没有关？会不会是其和Luxess结合使用的结果？两者的作用是抵消还是促进？这些方面都可以讨论，不要仅仅局限于说明错误，要发散性的反驳原文的论证)

Even if the mild soap does not affect the result, the claims about "looked and felt improvement" is unpersuasive to act as evidence of Luxess’s (Luxess’，s结尾的词的所有格直接加 ’ 而不是 ’s ) effectiveness in improving facial skin conditions. A marked improvement in the way skin looked and felt does not equate to real enhancement in facial skin conditions. (不错！紧接着可以写一句：由原题可以明确得到“这个感觉仅是测试者的自我感觉”而已)
The skin condition improvement should be measured by several scientific statistics, such as increase of average water content in the skin cells, decreases of poles (想用hole表达脸上的凹陷？用hollow比较好), wrinkles and color spots. Luxess probably took effect through concealing, not eliminating, poles or color spots and the skin conditions may slide back (故态复萌用slip back或relapse) to its original level if people stop applying it on face. Thus, specific evindence (evidence) should be provided to precisely measure the improvement of skin conditions. (这段不错！)

In sum, the conclusion of Luxess’s effectiveness is drew upon the unreliable result of a one-month test. The author should provide more background information of the volunteers as well as clear evindence to reason Luxess, not the mild soap, was in fact responsible for the facial skin improvement. Also more scientific mearsement (measurement) of skin condition should be conducted. (最后一段不错，简洁清晰！)


小结：
1.文中用词错误较多，以后注意用词的准确性和拼写的正确性，拒我推测，作者的很多词是根据汉语意思查的汉译英吧？使用时注意该词使用时的语境及用法。我说的很清楚，发之前放到word中改好拼写语法等错误，不知作者做了没有？至少我粘到word里面的时候一片红线。

2.作者的思路不错，但论述过于肤浅（第4段不错！）。多提为什么？多举例（第4段就很好，例举出很多现象）多深入分析。本题较简单，题目中的错误很明显，所以把握好反驳的深入性是关键。

3.优点：开头结尾段及每段的TS写得不错，看来作者的概括总结能力较强，望保持。

加油加油！^_^

sillydsUID: 2985444

多谢若若修改，关于论述深入性启发很大，我的语法错误是旧毛病要好好反省