【Daily Writing作文特训小组】蜂鸟的作文贴！TOEFL之旅已结束，谢谢大家！

佳佳LOVE舞UID：3050951

5# 冰雪蜂鸟

It is no exaggeration to say that challenge is to people what（可以用what连接这个类比吗？ 我不晓得哈） water is to fish. Some may plan their lives practical things and maintain the stability they enjoy. However, if I was asked whether challenging plans is always a good thing, my answer is positive.

Those people who avoid planning a challenging future may assert that living in a familiar environment, they feel satisfied, stable and enjoy（enjoy是动词，enjoyable）. In such an environment, they never have to devise other ways to fulfill themselves. What they should do is doing routine things, working without threaten（threats） and liveing happily. To be true, this kind of life seems to be fascinating and eye-catching. Nevertheless, cannot we draw a telling conclusion that it is this life that thoroughly destroys people’s ambition and barricades people’s steps?#

As for me, a challenging plan about my future is more breath-taking than stability. The individual challenge should be first factor to be outlined. Making the individual challenge means that people are blessed with a golden opportunity to develop the potential, expand the horizon of knowledge and cultivate the logical thinking. Suppose, one is forever doing the same job and avoiding challenge, one will never know what else he or she can do(l两个句子之间没有连接词啊~动词会打架的), thus making it impossible for him or her to develop his or her potential. Not come singly but in pairs, a celebrity used to say that doing difficult things that you feel challenging can make progress.

Besides, a challenging plan gives one an opportunity to try whatever he or she is fond of. Challenge may mean comparative instability, yet it is this that forces people to make wiser judgment, acquire more knowledge （这个点上文提过了呀肿么又出现了？后面这个解释和这句的能让人们尝试任何喜欢的东西不是非常贴切哇~）to concurred these obstacles and adapt to the ever-accelerated society. The most typical person always challenges his life and the world is（challenge 和is 打架了-0- 那从句或者分词连接一下下） Abraham Lincoln who is the most successful President in US. Every time he projected his future with a challenge and ambitious picture such as being a senate or an entrepreneur even the failure always knock his door（everytime 那个人****样了后面应该是结果啊社么的吧， even引的这个读起来乖乖的啊， 如果是即使会失败他也继续challenge那这句话这样用引导词就不恰当了，应该he still projected……even though....）. Therefore, planning a challenging future(这句话的主语是people's view， 那如果plan要伴随的话这个就奇怪了，这个plan的主语和这句话的主语不一致所以不能用伴随最好弄个从句什么的清晰), people’s view is expanded and their logical thinking can be cultivated.

As has been mentioned previously, we can see clearly that though taken by some people as unacceptable, however, taking more factors in to consideration（跟上面的语法问题一样， take 的主语和句子主语不一致~）, a challenging plan for one’s future is essential for individual development and is also an unavoidable trend.
我没改过大作文呢，第一改见谅啊~不同意的地方即使跟我交流恩，关于结构上我没有你了解的清楚，没法做多评价~ 就能改改语法啦， sat 考试语法做多了赫赫~~

kaijunccUID：2885218

16# 佳佳LOVE舞

改作文也是学习的一种很好的方式呢。

我把我知道的东西交流交流。

第一句话的what用法很正确哦。

其他的改正都很正确  

Every time he projected his future with a challenge and ambitious picture such as being a senate or an entrepreneur even the failure always knock his door.  这一句话 出来你讲的还有一点要改Every time he projected his future with a challenging（要用形容词） and ambitious picture such as being a senate or an entrepreneur even the failure always knock his door.


觉得你的语法修改得很准确，加油！！！


小腐警棍YY帝

kaijunccUID：2885218

16# 佳佳LOVE舞

我看着看着书，突然又觉得不放心，因为我今天上午看蜂鸟的作文太草率了，没有尽到责任，现在回来再看看，果然发现了一些东西。

Suppose, one is forever doing the same job and avoiding challenge, one will never know what else he or she can do(l两个句子之间没有连接词啊~动词会打架的), thus making it impossible for him or her to develop his or her potential.   这句话是对的，不需要改，注意到“Suppose,” 没有，这就和suppose that一样，所以是正确的。^^

Challenge may mean comparative instability, yet it is this that forces people to make wiser judgment, acquire more knowledge，这里加上一个“and” to concurred these obstacles and adapt to the ever-accelerated society. 这一句话里，challenge应该用复数，yet it is this that 应该改为yet it is what， concurred应该为conquer


其它都改得很对啦~~

小腐警棍YY帝

佳佳LOVE舞UID：3050951

18# kaijuncc
啊你好高级！ 神马时候我也能慢慢接近你水平就好了。。

冰雪蜂鸟UID：2754485

昨天有事没有上来，今天上来一看有惊喜呢！谢谢两位~~

看到自己“Everytime”和“acquire”那两句话，觉得好恶心，读了半天都不知道自己在说什么。谢谢两位了！还有逻辑主语的问题，在GMAT语法里面很典型的错误，我居然还会自己写出这种句子来，好恶心。学习了！

但是还要为自己申辩一下~ 一个是supposed那个，就像小腐老师说的，我觉得这种句型就像if...then...条件句一样，使用主将从现。另外一个是最后一段，我将taking more factors into consideration, 当做的是插入语，所以应该在句中不起到任何作用。不知道我这样理解对不对><，继续求教！

冰雪蜂鸟UID：2754485

6月28日作业修改版
总结一下我的问题：
1、语法问题。这绝对是写作时候不细心导致。写作的时候多注意逻辑主语，单复数等问题。
2、昨天的问题，如形容词、名词、动词词性不分。
3、语言不够地道。多看多读吧。

感谢佳佳和小腐老师:loveliness:。

kaijunccUID：2885218

20# 冰雪蜂鸟

刚才看了一下你的最后一句哦
As has been mentioned previously, we can see clearly that though taken by some people as unacceptable, however, taking more factors into consideration a challenging plan for one’s future is essential for individual development and is also an unavoidable trend.+
句子是没有问题的，想要达到的表意也很好，但是呢，不符合老外的语言习惯，有一点点绕口，所以我帮你稍微修改下。

As has been mentioned previously, though taken by some people as unconvincing（这样比unacceptable语气轻点）, however, a challenging plan for one’s future is essential for individual development and is also an unavoidable trend, taking more factors into account（consideration也可以哦）.

这样写的话比较易懂吧^^     其实你的也没错啦

小腐警棍YY帝

kaijunccUID：2885218

19# 佳佳LOVE舞

哪里哪里~~~^^

小腐警棍YY帝

冰雪蜂鸟UID：2754485

12# kaijuncc

小腐老师~
第一篇文章已经改好，在“地板”楼。第四段按照你的头脑风暴理论，以排比的形式写了在办公室工作对社会的种种好处。这片文章全是你的知识产权耶！
第二篇文章也已改好在21楼。感谢小腐老师自己学习的时候还帮我看文章！
虽然我GMAT考的也不怎么样，但是我很爱这个考试，也算有些经验吧。我感觉以小腐老师的英语水平，看懂题后马上就能选出来了，700+不是问题。有一个小建议，因为你说你上过培训班了，如果你上的是XDF，XDF给的规律慎用，最好不用。做一些题之后你就明白了，很多都是错的，已经不适用于现在的题。
恕我再冒昧的问一句，你没有在国内吧，总感觉你的作息时间和我们不太一样的呀~~呵呵~~

冰雪蜂鸟UID：2754485

16# 佳佳LOVE舞

谢谢佳佳~~
语法问题都是一针见血的，感谢指正！
原来你是考SAT的高中生啊，你作文写成这样已经非常不错了！这几天再多练练，考场上打多点字就好！

kaijunccUID：2885218

24# 冰雪蜂鸟

我现在在德国交换呢~~~~   所以作息差了六个小时，郁闷郁闷啊~~~

有一个地方还需要提醒你哦，你写长句子的时候比较喜欢用and作动词连接，这是可以的，但是在同一篇文章中不要出现太多次哦，甚至把长句拆成短句也是好的哦，注意长短结合。就拿你改好的第一篇来说吧。
Actually many surveys conducted by sociologists indicate that too much flexibility means insufficient supervision and sluggish at work.

Working at office can retain the humanity culture through interacting with others meet, interchanging notions obtained and caring and helping others who need help. Working at office can promotethe development of creativity and technology by making full use of the resourcesand facilities in the company and integrate the intelligent of a group ofpeople.


让我们不要再纠结于同一篇，继续下一篇吧，前两篇到此为止啦~~~量变才有质变，体会才有进步。

小腐警棍YY帝

冰雪蜂鸟UID：2754485

6月30日作业
9/31/2010 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends?

感觉这篇好难写，写的好恶心><，大家看了一定狠狠指正！谢谢！

The idea of leaving hometown to a new city or a new country often occur in mind when old friends leave us because whatever reason. But thoroughly consideration demonstrates that the disadvantages of the action always outweigh the advantages.

Those who hold that move to a new environment would be a good choice may believe that a new environment can help them forget grieve friendship and deliver them new friend with lucky. At first glance the statement is seemingly appealing and attractive, but, in fact, their thought is oversimplification. Usually, people who escape from their familiar environment to a strange situation because of dilemma always confront much more difficulties, which are not merely confined to friendship. Can we draw a telling conclusion that the consequence generated from living to a new city or a new country is more serious than that from staying where the problem occurred?

Moving to a new city or a new country is not an effective way to eradicate misery in people’s spirit. It is widely accepted that the only way to solve a problem is to improve one’s self and confront it bravely. Even if a person get some fortune and make new friends in a new ambience, he or she might commit the same mistakes and loss friends again. Moreover, even if an individual get rid of all the upset memory in the moment, he or she cannot guarantee the memory cannot recur once again. Dozens of movies setting a background that the hero moving to a seemingly promising new world because of a loss of friends tell us a story that the hero conquered his or her drawbacks and finally come back to the homeland.

Moreover, moving to a new environment impedes the stability of the society. Suppose, if everyone move to someplace new just because of an end of a friendship, one city will never has long-live citizen who live in the city more than a couple of years, because an end of friendship will happen with every person and at every moment. What is more, the instability of population of a community hinders the inheritance of the domestic culture. An extreme example is that it is not until the residents capture the culture in the land, they have to move. Therefore, the action is somewhat unthoughtful and unconvincing for the development of a community.

To be admitted, proceeding to someplace new is an easy action that some people will tend to. However, the action is not perfect not only for individual but also for our community.
（425字）

kaijunccUID：2885218

27# 冰雪蜂鸟

亲，偏题了哦，题目的意思你理解错了哦。
题目的意思是，去新的城市或国家是一个坏的主意，因为这意味着失去旧朋友。你支持或反对这个观点？

你理解成了，因为失去了旧朋友，(需要疗伤），所以去新的城市或国家。你支持或反对。

要更细心哦，考场上这样的错误是致命的哦。

小腐警棍YY帝

冰雪蜂鸟UID：2754485

28# kaijuncc

我去死了算了。。。。我就说怎么题目能那么奇怪那么难写。。。。可是题目也有歧义嘛。。。。
我感觉和challenge那篇有点像，我能不能不改了呀。。。。

kaijunccUID：2885218

29# 冰雪蜂鸟

这篇就当是错了算了，，你下次再写的时候我来改吧。^^

小腐警棍YY帝