【Daily Writing作文特训小组】Anne的作文贴！我弱的不得了，欢迎大家狂拍砖！！！

happinessviviUID: 2837177

827托福二战，自从放暑假以来，就一直在懈怠。。。眼看就要2012fall，我不能再自毁前程了。作文弱的不行，鸡阿姨作文是裸考的，所以没有打下什么好的基础。。。！！！！懒人是没有好下场的！！！！开这个作文贴，希望从现在开始努力，在27号的时候能够100+。。。God bless me!

happinessviviUID: 2837177

801 Task:
独立写作



A job with morevacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time.


If one day I haveto face the option between a job with more vacation time and a job with highsalary but less vacation time, I will surely chose the latter one. Obviously, Ithink it outweighs the former.


What’s the truevalue a person living in the world? I think the value is to work hard andachieve the goal. You should remember, Einstein worked harder than hiscompanion since his childhood, he spent all days in the lab, and finally he gotthe theory of relativity; and, Madame Curie, she contributed all her life insearching of the unknown radiation, she even sacrificed her own healthcondition because of Radium. To be a successful person doesn’t means we shouldbe talented ones, working harder and harder is the method. If we just want toprolong our vacation all days, it will be too difficult to be a better employeeand a successful man indeed. Too much relaxing time will wash away ouropportunities and talents.


Even though vacationcould take the pressure away from us, and make us comfort. Nowadays, oursociety is full of chances and competitors. In order to salary, promotion andlife quantity, we become more and more stressed and tired than before. Vacationtime will help us to escape from that terrible competitive environment for awhile and keep us spiritual healthy. Like all kinds of school, when studentsfinished the final exams of one semester, they get a holiday. To relax tiredneuro, to compensate for some sleeping time, to have some recreation time, tosomething else, we need a holiday some time.


We should makeclear that getting the benefits is the central goal of every merchant. So, whenwe ask more vacation time, do you think we will get the same salary as before?Absolutely not, our boss will incline to find the employees who can abide less vacationtime than us, and this kind of person will more probably to be promoted. We getlittle chance to be promoted, our salary become lower, and what about our lifequantity? Do we have enough money to afford our prolong vacation time?


In summary, the developmentof our life quantity and career is depend on our effort. We are the relax ones,we get a little at last; but, if we can try our best to work, we could be theharvest ones finally. So what kind of job would you like to take?

happinessviviUID: 2837177

综合写作：

Tpo-19


The articleasserts that buzzing has generated a lot of controversy, and many critics wouldlike to see it banned. However, the speaker in the lecture challenges the mainidea in the article that, many consumers will benefit from buzzers a lotindeed.


The speakerreputes the articles that buzzers will give a person incorrect informationabout the buzzed product. In fact, the man said in the lecture that, theadvertisers hire people who really use the product and have great experience onit.


Moreover, thelecture points that it's incorrect that the consumers will be lobbied, and theyhave to accept the claims that would otherwise be suspicious of, it's harmfulfor them. The real situation is that, the man in the lecture explains that, theconsumers will ask much information about the product before they buy it. Thebuzzers have to answer them, such as the prize, the quantity, and anything elseabout the product.


Finally, thearticle says buzzing will result in the spread of mistrust and the expectationof dishonesty. The man in the lecture argues against it, he thinks the buzzerswill promote this product because they get a good experience on it and theywant their friends and relatives to use it, too. This method is a kind ofshare, the buzzers hope their friends and relatives will benefit from theproduct.

april0515UID: 2997208

2# happinessvivi
801 Task:  e2 }6 n  t4 j: Y! `! ~( d) y/ D
独立写作5 L. M) s) \( M" ]$ y6 L1 Z
5 f7 a# i6 _& F; R3 y, @
8 |9 S2 W4 l( `/ |

A job with morevacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time." {6 A5 {# m# I
, H) Z7 k6 w3 q+ s6 M' S; V1 e

If one day I haveto face the option between a job with more vacation time and a job with highsalary but less vacation time, I will surely chose the latter one. Obviously, Ithink it outweighs the former.: y; M- L5 z( C" H9 h) @* ?# j

: I! Q, n7 O2 u, {; w/ |
What’s the true value of a person living in the world? I think(think可以换一下哦，比如suppose~) the value is to work hard and achieve the goal. You should remember, Einstein worked harder than his companion since his childhood, he spent all days in the lab, and finally he got the theory of relativity; and, Madame Curie, she contributed all her life in searching of the unknown radiation, she even sacrificed her own health condition because of Radium. To be a successful person doesn’t means mean we shouldbe talented ones, working harder and harder is the method(觉得这句语法有点点错误~~也许这样改会稍微清晰一些~ 比如：In fact, even a person who is not talented enough, as long as he is willing to work harder,  can still achieve success in the end) . If we just want to prolong(prolong用的很好~学习啦 嘿嘿） our vacation all days, it will be too difficult to be a better employee and a successful man indeed. Too much relaxing time will wash away our opportunities and talents.


Even though vacation could take the pressure away from us, and make us comfort(亲，这个好像是半句话呀，even though....., 这后半句木有看到，even though构不成一句话的~， ）. Nowadays, our society is full of chances and competitors（觉得用competitions会更好些~）. In order to （gain more) salary, (get a) promotion and( improve) life quantity, we become more and more stressed and tired than before. Vacation time will help us to escape from that terrible competitive environment for a while and keep us spiritual(觉得用psychologically 会好一些~，spiritual有点宗教滴意味） healthy. Like all kinds of school, when students finished the final exams of one semester, they get a holiday. To relax tiredneuro, to compensate for (compensate for用滴很好捏)some sleeping time, to have some recreation time, to(or)something else, we indeed need a holiday some time.


" O, b& f: _% s8 b* O" T/ Y
however，We should make clear that getting the benefits is the central goal of every merchant. So, whenwe ask more vacation time, do you think we will get the same salary as before?Absolutely not, our boss will incline to find the employees who can abide（abide用的好~） less vacation time than us, and this kind of person will more probably to be promoted. We get little chance to be promoted, our salary become lower, and what about our lifequantity? Do we have enough money to afford our prolong vacation time?& b8 ]- L, X) ]1 S" a

8 z" C3 B/ W/ \! q
In summary, the development of our life quantity and career is depend on（depends) our effort. We are the relax ones,we get a little at last; but, if we can try our best to work, we could be theharvest ones finally. So what kind of job would you like to take? (觉得最后不要有问话哦）




（这篇文章问题有滴滴大 。。。  主要是逻辑的问题， 如果你想赞成 high salary 那个， 第二段就有点让人迷惑啦，我看到第二段时以为你是平衡论点的呢~， 所所以可以尝试换一下顺序，比如把第二段缩短点，然后放到第一段，admittedly.... vocation 有什么好处。 然后另起一段。 however, ... first....second .... 等等，这样会更有逻辑一些嘞， 你觉得嘞~  加油~）

happinessviviUID: 2837177

If one day I have to face the option between a job with more vacation time and a jobwith high salary but less vacation time, I will surely chose the latter one.Obviously, I think it outweighs the former.


Even though I agree with that the less vacation time, the better the life will be, Iknow vacation could take the pressure away from us, and make us comfort. Nowadays, our society is full of chances and competitions. In order to gainmore salary, get a promotion and improve life quantity,we become more and more stressed and tired than before. Vacation time will helpus to escape from that terrible competitive environment for a while and keep uspsychologically healthy. Like all kinds of school, when students finished thefinal exams of one semester, they get a holiday. To relax tired neuro, tocompensate for some sleeping time, to have some recreation time and somethingelse, we indeed need a holiday some time.


But what's the true value of a person living in the world?I suppose the value is to work hard and achieve the goal. You should remember, Einstein worked harder than his companion since his childhood, he spent alldays in the lab, and finally he got the theory of relativity; and, MadameCurie, she contributed all her life in searching of the unknown radiation, sheeven sacrificed her own health condition because of Radium. In fact, even aperson who is not talented enough, as long as he is willing to work harder, canstill achieve success in the end. If we just want to prolong our vacation alldays, it will be too difficult to be a better employee and a successful manindeed. Too much relaxing time will wash away our opportunities and talent.:

Additionally, We should make clear that getting the benefits is the centralgoal of every merchant. So, when we ask more vacation time, do you think we will get the same salary as before? Absolutely not, our boss will incline tofind the employees who can abide less vacationtime than us, and this kind of person will more probably to be promoted. We get little chance to be promoted, our salary become lower, and what about our life quantity? Do we have enough money to afford our prolong vacation time?

In summary, the development of our life quantity and career depends on our effort. We are the relax ones, we get a little atlast; but, if we can try our best to work, we could be the harvest onesfinally. So why not we try our best to work even sacrifice some vacation time!


这个是改正过后的~~~错误好多，827就考试了，>w<真是闹心....

happinessviviUID: 2837177

4# april0515

谢谢april0515，学到很多！^^

likejin2012UID: 2847537

The article asserts that buzzing has generated a lot of controversy, and many critics would like to see it banned. However, the speaker in the lecture challenges the main idea of the article and said that, many consumers will benefit from buzzers a lot indeed.不然that后面的从句就是指main idea of the article.

The speaker reputes the articles that buzzers will give a person incorrect information about the buzzed product. the man said in the lecture that, In fact, the advertisers hire people who really use the product and have great experience on it.

Moreover, the lecture points out that it's incorrect that the consumers will be lobbied, and they may(have to 是必须的意思） accept the claims that would otherwise be suspicious of, this （感觉this有个指代前面整句的作用）is harmful for them. The real situation is that, the man in the lecture explains that可以去掉吧，这小句是插入语, the consumers will ask much information about the product before they buy it. The buzzers have to answer them, such as the prize, the quantity, and anything else about the product.


Finally, the article says buzzing will result in the spread of mistrust and the expectation of dishonesty. The man in the lecture argues against it, he thinks the buzzers will promote the 泛指product because （这个因果是文章里的吗？不记得了，读着感觉有些奇怪）they get a good experience on it and theywant their friends and relatives to use it, too.（加一个that is to say怎么样？） This method is a kind of share, the buzzers hope their friends and relatives will benefit from the product.

整个文章呢能明白意思，也挺全面的概括了信息。但是句子之间缺乏连接。

happinessviviUID: 2837177

8.02综合写作




Generally,the lecturer refutes with the reading material in three aspects. The readingpassage asserts that “let it burn” policy leaves a negative effect to thesociety, and the accident in Yellowstone is a bad example. However, the professorin the listening material makes a different point about this.


First ofall, the lecturer states that “let it burn” is an actually positive policy. Forexample, after the forest fire in Yellowstone, some new species of plants couldgrow up there, and the vegetation has been recovered for some time. Therefore,the lecture obviously challenges the standpoint in the reading passage thatYellowstone fires caused tremendous damage to the park’s trees and othervegetation.


Besides,the listening part points out that forest fire also bring some new chances tothe wildlife there, too. Some new species of wildlife occurred there after thedisaster. And there some details to illustrate the professor’s viewpoint, thenew species of the wildlife consist of new food chain, and they also make thefood chain stronger than before. In short, the professor disagrees with the argumentin the reading that the park wildlife was affected by the fire accident.


Also, in oppositionto the belief in the passage, the professor believes that the forest fire inYellowstone did not just result from that policy, actually the wind that day ismuch stronger, and it leads to the massive forest fire obviously. And the professoralso says that, the number of the tourists doesn’t be cut short forever. In fact,the tourists begin to visit Yellowstone Park again the next year and each yearafter. So, this another aspect is showing, it is incorrect that the fires hadnegative consequences for local economy.

happinessviviUID: 2837177

8.02独立写作：



To every child, their parents are the first person they get to know. Parents are also acting as the first teacher of theirchildren. So, it important to parents to become a beneficial guide indeed, butit doesn’t mean they can determine children’s future. We should make clearlythat we are the host of our own future.


Actually, our life isn’t long enough, weshould use precious time to experience the real lives. One of the values in ourlives is making choices. No matter good or bad, we need to face to the choicesand make a decision. We can grow up healthy and get some valuable experiencefrom this. If Bill Gates didn’t drop out from Harvard, which kind of personwould him to be now? Harvard is one of the best universities in the world, everyparent will be proud if their children could graduate from it. But Bill Gatesmade his own decision, he left there. And now, he is the owner of Microsoft. Peoplecould not be successful if they lack of the courage of making choices. To bethe owner of our lives, whatever how many difficulties it will have, that’smeaningful.


Even thoughI understand parents prefer to help determine their children’s future becauseof love, it’s not a healthy love indeed. In fact, children can’t benefit fromthis kind of education method. They don’t know how to be stronger, positive,and persistence, because they have no chance to make a choice in their life.They can just be children forever and even don’t know how to be a true man. Butif they lose the people they can depend on one day, what can they do? Thelatter life will look like a hell to them. I incline to experience somedifficulties during my teenager instead of to be an incapable person. Parentssurely can give their love to their children, but they should understand thatunhealthy love equals with poison.


Additionally, the parents who like to help determine the future of their children easily havequarrels with their children. Each person has the host sense. When the childwants to play chess, his parents force him to play piano; when the child wantsto eat noodles, his parent tell him just eat rice; when the child wants to be adoctor, his parents compel him to be a teacher…When this child feel undercontrol, he can’t keep a harmonious relationship with his parents indeed. So,too much interference will be hurtful to family.


In sum, I agree with that parents should give their children enough freedom to makechoices in their lives in order to get the true meaning of life, grow up inhealthy environment and keep a nice relationship with families.

happinessviviUID: 2837177

7# likejin2012

谢谢L，刚刚动笔开始写，经常出现逻辑混乱。。。我会注意你提到的问题！

chhiwawaUID: 2958205

3# happinessvivi

A job with morevacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time." 6 R8 R7 V/ B; J; t- z! ?: p0 l  H7



If one day I have to face the option between a job with more vacation time and a job with high salary but less vacation time, I will surely chose the latter one. Obviously, I think（think可以换consider，believe等等） it outweighs the former. e  
\8 N: s
What’s the true value of a person living in the world? I think
the value is to work hard and achieve the goal. You should remember, Einstein worked harder than his companion(peer?) since his childhood, he spent all days in the lab, and finally he got the theory of relativity; and, Madame Curie, she contributed all her life in searching of the unknown radiation, she even sacrificed her own health condition because of Radium. To be a successful person doesn’t means(mean) we should be talented ones, working harder and harder is the method(这句话是两个句子，应该把它合并成一句，既然是例子之后的总结，应该加点连接词。我觉得你既然签名说了 you should remember, 现在就可以说 now you can see that the way to success is not about talent but hard work.) . If we just want to prolong
our vacation all days (all days是想表达“总是”的意思吗? 我觉得应该用“all along”由始至终 ), it will be too difficult to be a better employee and a successful man indeed. Too much relaxing time will wash away our opportunities and talents.(这一段，有we又有you, 比较混乱..应该统一主语)


iEven though vacation could take the pressure away from us, and make us comfort(，even though 应该后面还有半句话。或者你其实你这里并不是想表达“即使vacation怎么好，但是其实它并没有那么好”，你这里是想表达“其实vacation也有一定好处”). Nowadays, our society is full of chances and competitors（opportunities and challenges）. In order to
salary( earn money), (obtain a) promotion and(improve) life quantity, we become more and more stressed and tired than before. Vacation time will help us to escape from that terrible competitive environment for a while and keep us spiritual (mentally) healthy. Like all kinds of school(s), when students finished the final exams of one semester, they get(“获得”有很多替换词) a holiday. （我觉得毕竟是school, 和工作也有些不一样，这里可以加一句， not to mention the necessarily of vacation of doing a job. 或者说，the case is just the same as a job）To relax tired neuro, to compensate for some sleeping time, to have some recreation time, to something else(or for other purpose), we
need a holiday some time.5 q, s9 W' v5 Y$ f/ t- ?1 H
(However)We should make clear (make clear 很奇怪，we should know )that getting the benefits is the central goal of every merchant. So, when we ask more vacation time, do you think we will get the same salary as before?(一句话里面不能we和 you)Absolutely not, our boss will incline to find the（不需要） employees who can abide less vacation time than us, and this kind of person(those people) will more probably to be promoted. We get little chance to be promoted, our salary become lower, and what about our life quantity? Do we have enough money to afford our prolong vacation time? H6 o" T; B

summary, the development of our life quantity and career is depend on（depends on) our effort. (if)We are the relax ones, we get a little at last; but, if we can try our best to work, we could be the harvest ones finally. So what kind of job would you like to take? ' \9

chhiwawaUID: 2958205

The article asserts that buzzing has generated a lot of controversy and many critics would like to see it banned. However, the speaker in the lecture challenges the main idea in the article that, many consumers will benefit from buzzers a lot indeed.



speaker reputes the articles that buzzers will give a person incorrect information about the buzzed product. In fact, the man said in the lecture that, the advertisers hire people who really use the product and have great experience on it.
So，all the good evaluations on the cell phone he made to the consumers are real praise, without cheating or misleading， even though he was paid by the company.

@7 p+ m' H
Moreover, the lecture points out that it's incorrect that the consumers will be lobbied, and they have to accept the claims that would otherwise be suspicious of, it's harmful for them.(这个开头太长了，个人认为不好，应该简洁一些，或者可以尝试把下面一句话变成第一句，这样是正面去写，而不总是从反面 incorrect方面去写，people is not credulous about buzzer’s word.) The real situation is that, the man in the lecture explains that, the consumers will ask much information about the product before they buy it. The buzzers have to answer them, such as the prize, the quantity, and anything else about the product. Otherwise the custom will not buy the product.Q! o
, j3 ^( {# A' m( D6 u! z
Finally, the article says buzzing will result in the spread of mistrust and the expectation of dishonesty. The man in the lecture argues against it, he thinks the buzzers will promote this product because they get a good experience on it and they want their friends and relatives to use it, too.(这里是两句话了！而且不是buzzer promote product。。。改写成the man in the lecture argues against it by explaining that buzzers get a good experience on the product and then they want their friends and relatives to use it,) This method is a kind of share, the buzzers hope their friends and relatives will benefit from the product. 那个公司不会recruit buzzer 如果产品不好，是不是也是一个理由？

little_catyUID: 3014175

To every child, their parents are the first person (people) they get to know.(感觉文章第一句最好用个长句，给人眼前一亮的感觉) Parents are also acting as the first teacher of their children. So, it (is) important to parents to become a beneficial guide indeed（这里的indeed好像有点不通啊）, but it doesn’t mean they can determine children’s future. We should make clearly (好像没有make clearly这个用法，可以改成make it clear)that we are the host of our own future.(我认为在托福文章里尽量少用表达主观想法的词，如we, I, 尤其是主旨句最好表达一种客观的观点，以parents和children的角度说)

2 q- ^, I- h5 t
Actually, our life isn’t long enough,（缺少连接词） we should use precious time to experience the real lives. One of the values in our lives is making choices. No matter good or bad, we need to face to（这里不用to就可以了） the choices and make a decision. We can grow up healthy（healthily） and get some valuable experience from this. If Bill Gates didn’t drop out from Harvard, which kind of person would him to be now? Harvard is one of the best universities in the world, every parent will be proud if their children could graduate from it. But Bill Gates made his own decision, he left there. And now, he is the owner of Microsoft. People could not be successful if they (are) lack of the courage of making choices.(虚拟语气，用的不错) To be the owner of our lives, whatever how many difficulties it will have, that’s meaningful.0 {, [' r3 o8 Y- W, D
（这一段主要论述自己决定未来是多么重要，可是缺少了parents的作用，最好从没听父母最后成功的角度说，更紧扣题目）
: d/ z! n% P8 M2 x, X
Even though I understand parents prefer to help determine their children’s future because of love, it’s not a healthy love indeed. In fact, children can’t benefit from this kind of education method. They don’t know how to be stronger, positive ,and persistence, because they have no chance to make a choice in their life. They can just be children forever（永远是孩子？这个怎么得到的结论呢，最好有严谨的逻辑过程） and even don’t know how to be a true man. But if they lose the people (who) they can depend on one day, what can they do? The latter life will look like a hell to them. I incline to experience some difficulties during my teenager instead of to be an incapable person. Parents surely can give their love to their children, but they should understand that unhealthy love equals with poison.（这个用的不错！学习了~） + n( C* {4 U+ \5 [) u, [3 B: r
" X) \4 A$ J2 p

Additionally, the parents who like to help determine the future of their children easily have quarrels with their children. Each person has the host sense（这个地方我也改不好，但是感觉太Chinglish了）. When the child wants to play chess, his parents force him to play piano; when the child wants to eat noodles, his parent tell him just eat rice; when the child wants to be a doctor, his parents compel him to be a teacher…（最好不要用省略号，可以用an so on代替）When this child feel under control, he can’t keep a harmonious relationship with his parents indeed. So, too much interference will be hurtful to family.# i# ^4 p9 {2 w$ Z+ I1 T# }4 P
% v7 d; l/ Y. R" L+ }! }: Y

In sum, I agree with that parents should give their children enough freedom to make choices in their lives in order to get the true meaning of life, growing up in healthy environment and keeping a nice relationship with families.

总体看来论述可以再深入一点，说清楚每句话的逻辑关系，句子结构略微简单，最好尝试多用一些分词、从句、连接词来增加句子长度和变化。以上都是个人建议啦，不一定全对，也欢迎你来给我的作文提意见，多多交流~
这是我的作文地址https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... age=1#pid1775410511

lisq9989UID: 2110509

给你改好了，加油哦~

8.2happy综合-放飞小鸟修改.doc (29.5 KB, 下载次数: 8)

2011-8-3 13:25:13 上传

下载次数: 8

julijoneUID: 2843727

0802 独立 已改
写得不错，加油