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[习作点评] 【NINE小组】第八次作业—by me [复制链接]

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发表于 2011-8-25 22:55:40 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览


To talk about the problem of whether the political leaders should withhold information from the public, different individuals have different opinions. From my position, I approve the former idea closer than the later one .That is to say , for political leaders, it is necessary to withhold some information, although public has right to be informed sometimes.

To ensure the safety of a nation, the political leaders should hide some information from the public. If a country expose all the information to the public, the safety of this country will be difficult to ensure. Some people or countries will take advantage of this information to threaten their safety.

Besides, in order to conduct some important strategies successful, the political leaders shouldn't disclose the information or details of these strategies. The War of the Red Cliff can explain this viewpoint clearly. One side of the war use a strategy to cheat another side linked all their warships together and made use of the strength of wind and fire destroying all the warships and army of another side, Using the few army to defeat the many. If the loser of this war have known the winner's strategy before, it is hard to say which side will win the last game.

However, fully conceal some information may have bad effect on resolving problems sometimes. For instance, the spread of SARS in the very great degree is caused by the hiding information of the political leaders of China. At the beginning of this case, just two persons infected by this virus, but the leaders concealed this information and little people known about this case. As a result, hospitals in other provinces did not take preventive measures timely so that SARS spread around China quickly and caused more people infected and even died. If the political leaders informed this incident and took measures quickly, the followed loss could be decrease significantly.

In conclusion, the political leaders should withhold the information which regard to the safe of a nation and some important strategies of the government. But fully conceal all information may not a good choice.

第二段实在想不出例子了。。。



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沙发
发表于 2011-8-26 10:14:26 |只看该作者
To talk about the problem of whether the political leaders should withhold information from the public, different individuals have different opinions. From my position, I approve the former idea closer than the later one .That is to say , for political leaders, it is necessary to withhold some information, although public has (the) right to be informed sometimes.

To ensure the safety of a nation, the political leaders should hide some information from the public. If a country expose all the information to the public, the safety of this country will be difficult to ensure. Some people or countries will take advantage of this information to threaten their safety.(我感觉这里是不是用虚拟语气会比较好一点)

Besides, in order to conduct some important strategies successful, the political leaders shouldn't disclose the information or details of these strategies. The War of the Red Cliff can explain this viewpoint clearly. One side of the war use a strategy to cheat another side(and) linked all their warships together and made use of the strength of wind and fire destroying all the warships and army of another side, Using the few army to defeat the many. If the loser of this war have known the winner's strategy before, it is hard to say which side will win the last game.(你这例子是不是写的太••抽象了•••one side of the war, another side••有点混乱•••你还不如直接用名字或者直接说蜀国啊什么的,反正老外也不认识••)

However, fully conceal (concealing)some information may have bad effect on resolving problems sometimes. For instance, the spread of SARS in the very great degree is caused by the hiding(of) information of the political leaders of China. At the beginning of this case, just two persons infected by this virus, but the leaders concealed this information and little people known(knew) about this case(disease). As a result, hospitals in other provinces did not take preventive measures timely so that SARS spread around China quickly and caused more people infected and even died. If the political leaders informed this incident and took measures quickly, the followed loss could be decrease significantly.

In conclusion, the political leaders should withhold the information which regard to the safe of a nation and some important strategies of the government. But fully conceal all information may not a good choice.
关于你的第一点我自己写的时候写想了好久没想到什么合适的例子,不过你第二段的例子挺好找的,感觉你可以把第一段和第二段放在一起写成一个点,就是为了国家整体利益,such as national security and the conduct of military strategy,有必要封锁信息。

写的挺精炼的,清晰明了,是我努力的一个方向•••

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板凳
发表于 2011-8-27 09:34:48 |只看该作者

RE: 【NINE小组】第八次作业—by me(更新了argument)

In this argument, the author recommends a method that can reduce absenteeism in their school significantly. It seems well persuaded that plant beneficia really have good effect to treat the colds since the people in East Meria visit doctor only once or twice per year. But to make this argument have more persuasion, a lot of questions would need to be answered.


To indicate whether the beneficia really have effect on the cure of colds, some question followed need to be answered. Does the high consumption of beneficia have cause-and-effect relationship with people seldom visit the doctor for cold? May be the people in East Meria just be used to not see the doctor and eat medicine themselves. Moreover, if they go to see the doctor, it might because the cold is very serious and cannot indicate they catch a cold no frequent. Furthermore, does the study of East Meria have comparability with other places? For example, may be the environment of East Meria is very suitable for live, the atmosphere there is very fresh so that people hard to have a cold. Or maybe just because people live in East Meria have a lighter pressure and people have a relative high resistibility. But we cannot ensure all these circumstance suitable for our schools and workplaces.


Even though beneficia really can prevent colds, do the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia also have same effect to our body? We cannot ensure the supplements which just have some ingredient of beneficia have good effect for us to prevent colds. The production method and scale of the effect composition will all determine the effect of these supplements. Moreover, we do not know the supplements derived from beneficia have other bad effect to our body. If these supplements have no good function on us, it will have no influence to the absenteeism of their schools and workplaces.


Even if the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia also can cure colds. Dose it means that recommend this supplements will dramatically reduce absenteeism in their schools and workplaces? Does the people who absent schools and workplaces really catch a cold? Maybe they just use it as a reason to do other things or they actually be infect with another virus which have a similar symptom with cold and they mistake consider they catch a cold. If we cannot ensure whether these people have a cold, we cannot guarantee the absenteeism of their schools or workplaces will be reduced either.


If the author cannot explain such question before, the result of recommending the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia will be unsure and the absenteeism of their schools or workplaces may not be reduce dramatically.

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地板
发表于 2011-8-27 10:24:25 |只看该作者
In this argument, the author recommends a method that can reduce absenteeism in their school significantly. It seems well persuaded that plant beneficia really have good effect to treat (have a good effect on treating)the colds since the people in East Meria visit doctor only once or twice per year. But to make this argument have more persuasion, a lot of questions would need to be answered.


To indicate whether the beneficia really have (an) effect on the cure of colds, some question followed need to be answered. Does the high consumption of beneficia have cause-and-effect relationship with people seldom visit the doctor for cold? May be the people in East Meria just be used to not see(seeing) the doctor and eat(eating) medicine themselves. Moreover, if they go to see the doctor, it might because the cold is very serious and cannot indicate they catch a cold no frequent(这句没明白是什么意思••). Furthermore, does the study of East Meria have comparability with other places? For example, may be (maybe)the environment of East Meria is very suitable for live(living), the atmosphere there is very fresh so that people hard to have a cold(it’s hard for local people to catch a cold). Or maybe just because people live(living) in East Meria have a lighter(a lighter—less. pressure不可数) pressure and people have a relative(relatively) high(higher) resistibility(不可数). But we cannot ensure all these circumstance suitable for our schools and workplaces.
感觉你这段不只是在说明beneficia不一定对于治疗感冒有效果,furthermore后面的都是在说两地的不可比性,我觉得这个可以单独做一段放在后面。


Even though beneficia really can prevent colds, do the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia also have same effect to(on) our body? We cannot ensure the supplements which just have some ingredient of beneficia have good effect for us to prevent colds. The production method and scale of the effect composition(effect composition是什么?) will all determine the effect of these supplements. Moreover, we do not know (whether) the supplements derived from beneficia have other bad effect(s) on our body. If these supplements have no good function on us, it will have no influence to the absenteeism of their schools and workplaces.(我觉得这最后一句有点不严谨,毕竟你这段说了这些成分可能没有和beneficia同样的效果以及它们可能有副作用,就是即使它们可能有好的作用但是如果有副作用人们也不应该大量使用。觉得最后一句既没有概括全段内容也没有直接和倒数第二句相关,是不是应该斟酌一下••)


Even if the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia also can cure colds. Dose it means that recommend this supplements will dramatically reduce absenteeism in their schools and workplaces? Does the people who absent schools and workplaces really catch a cold? Maybe they just use it as a reason(pretext是否更好) to do other things or they actually be(are) infect(infected) with another virus(other diseases) which have a similar symptom(symtoms) with cold and they mistake(wrongly) consider they catch a cold. If we cannot ensure whether these people have a cold, we cannot guarantee the absenteeism of their schools or workplaces will be reduced (by the prevention of cold)either.


If the author cannot explain such question before(above), the result of recommending the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia will be unsure and the absenteeism of their schools or workplaces may not be reduce(reduced) dramatically.

文章采用让步式的论证结构,逻辑比较清晰,但细节还需要斟酌一下。以上改正纯属个人意见,欢迎讨论!

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发表于 2011-8-27 10:24:48 |只看该作者
In this argument, the author recommends a method that can reduce absenteeism in their school significantly. It seems well persuaded that plant beneficia really have good effect to treat (have a good effect on treating)the colds since the people in East Meria visit doctor only once or twice per year. But to make this argument have more persuasion, a lot of questions would need to be answered.


To indicate whether the beneficia really have (an) effect on the cure of colds, some question followed need to be answered. Does the high consumption of beneficia have cause-and-effect relationship with people seldom visit the doctor for cold? May be the people in East Meria just be used to not see(seeing) the doctor and eat(eating) medicine themselves. Moreover, if they go to see the doctor, it might because the cold is very serious and cannot indicate they catch a cold no frequent(这句没明白是什么意思••). Furthermore, does the study of East Meria have comparability with other places? For example, may be (maybe)the environment of East Meria is very suitable for live(living), the atmosphere there is very fresh so that people hard to have a cold(it’s hard for local people to catch a cold). Or maybe just because people live(living) in East Meria have a lighter(a lighter—less. pressure不可数) pressure and people have a relative(relatively) high(higher) resistibility(不可数). But we cannot ensure all these circumstance suitable for our schools and workplaces.
感觉你这段不只是在说明beneficia不一定对于治疗感冒有效果,furthermore后面的都是在说两地的不可比性,我觉得这个可以单独做一段放在后面。


Even though beneficia really can prevent colds, do the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia also have same effect to(on) our body? We cannot ensure the supplements which just have some ingredient of beneficia have good effect for us to prevent colds. The production method and scale of the effect composition(effect composition是什么?) will all determine the effect of these supplements. Moreover, we do not know (whether) the supplements derived from beneficia have other bad effect(s) on our body. If these supplements have no good function on us, it will have no influence to the absenteeism of their schools and workplaces.(我觉得这最后一句有点不严谨,毕竟你这段说了这些成分可能没有和beneficia同样的效果以及它们可能有副作用,就是即使它们可能有好的作用但是如果有副作用人们也不应该大量使用。觉得最后一句既没有概括全段内容也没有直接和倒数第二句相关,是不是应该斟酌一下••)


Even if the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia also can cure colds. Dose it means that recommend this supplements will dramatically reduce absenteeism in their schools and workplaces? Does the people who absent schools and workplaces really catch a cold? Maybe they just use it as a reason(pretext是否更好) to do other things or they actually be(are) infect(infected) with another virus(other diseases) which have a similar symptom(symtoms) with cold and they mistake(wrongly) consider they catch a cold. If we cannot ensure whether these people have a cold, we cannot guarantee the absenteeism of their schools or workplaces will be reduced (by the prevention of cold)either.


If the author cannot explain such question before(above), the result of recommending the nutritional supplements derived from beneficia will be unsure and the absenteeism of their schools or workplaces may not be reduce(reduced) dramatically.

文章采用让步式的论证结构,逻辑比较清晰,但细节还需要斟酌一下。以上改正纯属个人意见,欢迎讨论!

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发表于 2011-8-28 19:00:46 |只看该作者
it might because the cold is very serious and cannot indicate they catch a cold no frequent.
我的意思是  如果他们去看医生,可能是因为病已经很严重了  不得不去了  并不能说明他们不经常感冒  也许小病不断  可能表达的不太清楚

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发表于 2011-8-28 19:20:37 |只看该作者
谢谢你的意见,对我帮助很大:)
加油~!

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RE: 【NINE小组】第八次作业—by me [修改]
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