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咖啡盐UID: 2973669

8# peanut1008

education can have a tremendous effect on the economic development of a country. please provide a plan to encourage students to pursue a higher education degree.

Ever since education emerged, it has been tightly linked with socio-economic development. 【假大空。这不是为社会普遍所认可的公理，也不是社会事实，不能直接用。】People with higher education degree often obtain more income in the society.【Commonly, people with high levels of education live in leading position in the society. 比较级不能乱用，此处如果要用比较级要明确比较目标，和谁比是higher的？这个higher到什么程度？中国英语考试这套用词法是错误的。另外，高收入和高学历成正比么？】 Meanwhile, researches have proven the long held expectation that a population’s education 【什么意思？】plays a significant role in a country’s economic development. It is commonly assumed that education has important positive effects on science, health care and responds to natural disaster. 【个人立场：教育的客体只是人，而不能是其他的事物，人受到教育，从中获取的知识才能动地去作用于其他事物。所以教育对其他事物的作用是错误的，本质上应该是知识对事物的作用。教育只是传播媒介，本身不具备意义。】Obviously, all of them have great impact on economic development. Youth shoulder the responsibility of developing economic in the country. Therefore, every youth had better pursue a higher education and acquire more knowledge.【第一段给我的感觉非常空，没有什么实质性的东西在里面。其实没必要写这么复杂。如果是想把这个当做GRE的文章来写的话，直接引用一句社会现实，这是个知识爆炸的年代啊，知识改变了世界啊，经济也是其中一个环节啊，教育传播知识啊之类的，就直接可以陈述自己的立场了。第一段不需要写太多东西的，明确核心就好。】

There is no denying the fact that education helps people know 【语法】much more 【同样的问题，你和谁比？好歹写个than ever吧。】knowledge and utilize it to invent equipment.【这句话的主语是education，people是宾语。】 Accepted the high-quality education【人获得知识，接受教育是主动关系】, James Watt and 【with】his great innovation, steam power, started the Industry Revolution in Britain.【英国工业革命并不是他开始的，或者他领导的，他只是发明了蒸汽机。这句话在逻辑也有问题，JW凭借他的创新能力发明了蒸汽机，蒸汽机后来在工业中的广泛运用推动了工业革命。三者关系层层递进，并不是并列关系。】 Consequently, well-educated gentlemen created new machineries and changed the world dramatically in agriculture, manufacturing, and transportation.【删】 Most notably, average income and economics began to exhibit over tenfold. Regarded as one of the most major turning points in human history,【删】the Industry Revolution had a profound effect on the economic conditions of the times. Centuries later, the introduction of computer, Internet and mobile phone cause a dramatically 【new】change of the economic development again.【删】 Today, every business is a digital business; large or small, local or multinational. It provides a way for people to develop a market much more 【这个词真有这么招人喜欢么？另外，市场应该是更广泛，更全面。】conveniently and boundless. This big economic development can attribute to the new technology and education as well. 【结构有点乱。两个工业革命完全可以合并。satrted the IR in Britain which had a profound effect on the economic development of the times. Consequently...这样显得例子比较紧凑。题目的要求在于论述教育和经济发展的关系，你在从教育得到知识，将知识应用于实践生活，工业革命，整体的进步也推动了经济的发展。这样论证就紧扣住了文章的核心。如LZ原文中的论述，就把原本例子写散了，得到发展滞后就结束了，那么例子就和文章不符了，失去了本来的作用。之后又另起一个例子，结果谈到的依旧是工业革命，这样会给人前后重复，但又不具备连贯性，反而读的不舒服。】

Additional to 【addition to】new technology, fertility levels, survival rates and health care can plausibly be assumed to be linked to a country’s levels of educational attainment. Women with higher levels of education almost universally have fewer children than women with lower levels of education. Better education also results in better health for mothers and children because of better access to crucial information and health care. These can save government budget on health care into develop other business.【先不说这例子好不好，就算了解健康知识真的能少生病，身体健康，那么这些人一辈子没病没灾的，活的不就比那些病病歪歪的要长久很多么？那么政府养老的预算不就多了？】 Moreover, medical talents who acquire good education can prevent society from suffering severe diseases. Take flu as an example. In the middle age, pandemic influenza killed millions of lives and blocked the world economic development. Nowadays, scientists research and develop vaccine to defeat lots of communicable diseases so that people can live healthy and develop economics without worries. Furthermore, huge profits of vaccine and drugs are created by medicine companies every day. Needless to say, it is another good example of higher education has impact on economic development.【很牵强，其实知识程度越高的社会，他们对于社会公共医疗这块的投入反而更多。】

It would be a nightmare that diseases can block economic development. 【没看懂】What’s worse, natural disaster, such as earthquake and hurricane, can ruin the local economic in seconds and draw back the economic conditions some decades. Developing countries often suffer much more extensive and acute crises at the hands of natural disasters, because they are lack of experts and warning systems. 【谁跟你说的？中国所遭受的自然灾害比美国少很多】On the contrary, developed countries often have professors and mature surveillance to forecast and respond to the crises. 【很多自然灾害不是人力所能改变的。】Therefore, architects and officers are encouraged to pursue higher education degree. After studied in colleges, they could design anti-earthquake buildings and build emergency systems. These can also incentive economic development in rough material market and create job opportunities. At the same time, professors research the earthquake and tsunami. In future, people could predict the disaster and get rid of the economic sudden ruin.

In general, education has a tremendous effect on the economic development of a country. Youth had better pursue a higher education degree. Better education leads not only to higher individual income but is also a necessary precondition for long-term economic growth.

====================================================================================

文章有些过于片面化了。body第一段的核心内容还不错，能想到经济发展的外部条件——技术的支持，但是论证上有些凌乱和模糊，例子写的都不具体，草草了事，说服力不够。body第二段就很糟糕了，完全不具备说服力，论证也没条理。body第三段所要表达的核心也还行。其实LZ你考虑到了经济发展的外部条件，为什么没有考虑到经济发展的内部条件呢？受教育程度越高，人们对于经济自身规律的了解也越透彻，越能自如把握经济发展的路线，其实这也是经济发展中不可或缺的因素，甚至在如今对经济自身的把握起作用远远大于外部动力。通过教育得到的知识，掌握经济，运用经济。

dmnphyUID: 3111329

求指导~ 4月考 然后暂时只写了2篇A 把第2篇先贴上来好了

TOPIC: ARGUMENT2 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Parkville Daily Newspaper.
       "Throughout the country last year, as more and more children below the age of nine participated in youth-league softball and soccer, over 80,000 of these young players suffered injuries. When interviewed for a recent study, youth-league softball players in several major cities also reported psychological pressure from coaches and parents to win games. Furthermore, education experts say that long practice sessions for these sports take away time that could be used for academic activities. Since the disadvantages apparently outweigh any advantages, we in Parkville should discontinue organized athletic competition for children under nine."


  In this letter, it's recommended that athletic competition for children under nine should be discontinued in Parkville. To bolster this conclusion, the author provides statistics about the injuries. Psychological pressure and influence of the children's education are also taken into consideration to support the argument. At first glance, the evidence may be cogent while detailed analysis will show that the assumptions are untenable and thus make the conclusion open to doubt.
  To begin with, the statistics about injuries cited by the auther may not be representative. That there are many children injured in the games cannot lead to the same conclusion in Parkville. Perhaps children in Parkville are more careful or hale so few injuried happened there. Also 40,000 doesn't indicate the seriousness since we don't know the total number. Additionally, what kind of injuries happened isn't shown. For example, if there are 1,000,000 children participating in those sports and most injuries are just slight scratches, it doesn't need to worry about that. Such injuries can also happen even they stay at home for children under nine. What's more, a year's survey doesn't indicate this phenomenon will last. Knowing this condition, the coaches are likely to pay more attention to safety which may result in a lower number of injuries. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author cannot reasonably concludes that such sports should be discontinued.
  Second, the author turn to the aspects of psychology and education to infer that athletic competitions have more disadvantages. A study of youth-leager soccer players in major cities reported the psychological pressure exerted to them. It unfairly implies that players in Parkville will suffer the same pressure. Probably in major cities, the games will be broadcast and have some pecuniary concerns, but in Parkville, they are just considered as recreations. So the children there won't suffer from the same pressure. That the games take away the time for study is also not persuasive. The children don't have to learn during that time once they cannot take part in the competitions. More often will they switch to playing vedio games and watching TV all day long which is much more harmful. Thus attributing such problems to soccer games is not satisfactory.
  Finally, even admitting that soccer games brings many bad influences, the auther hastily assumes that all organized athletic competition should be forbidden. It may not be the case.  There are many other sports that are ignored. Soccer itself is drastic and thus dangerous. Athletics like swimming and jogging will cause much less injuries and have more benefits. They are good to health and contain much less rivalry which is the main reason for severe wounds. Wholesomeness will undoubtedly have a good effect on study. Without thinking about these alternatives, we cannot simply accept the author's advice.
  To sum up, the letter's suggest of discontinuing organized athletic competition isn't well supported. More information about the injuries will be helpful to improve it. To make it more convincing, reliable statistics about the negative effects is necessary. And discontinuing all the competitions may be to stern and many negative influences are predictable. Taking this into account will lead to a more cogent and favorable advice.

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

非常感谢LZ！对于这种类型的题目其实我本身是想部分赞同claim部分赞同reason写的，然后LZ确实批得有理，跑题了不少...
我自己又想了下，梳理了一下提纲
1.(1)大城市承载文化，需要向世界展示，因此需要投资建设 比 ...
sgmjk 发表于 2012-1-31 13:40

提纲还是有点乱。其实没必要把问题说的这么复杂。不知道你内心是赞同多一些还是不赞同多一些的。

举个例子吧，我不赞同多一些：

1、大城市同样是民族文化的一部分，可以列举一些城市中比较有民族特色的东西，以及现代化建设中的特色。建设城市可以有效促进本国民族特色的推广，不至于被埋没。就如你所言，上海世博会向世界展示了中国民族的特色，让世界认识中国。【把例子多丰富一些，不要草草一两句就完事】

2、但是，民族传统风俗并不仅仅保存在城市中，一些小地方也同样有着一个民族的传统文化，甚至因为闭塞不通他们的文化更加纯正更加完整；

3、另外，在现代化建设的过程中，一些新兴元素的融入可能会导致原油的传统被破坏乃至濒临消亡。

尽量让一段文字中只有一个主题比较容易论述

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

17# dmnphy

TOPIC: ARGUMENT2 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Parkville Daily Newspaper.
       "Throughout the country last year, as more and more children below the age of nine participated in youth-league softball and soccer, over 80,000 of these young players suffered injuries. When interviewed for a recent study, youth-league softball players in several major cities also reported psychological pressure from coaches and parents to win games. Furthermore, education experts say that long practice sessions for these sports take away time that could be used for academic activities. Since the disadvantages apparently outweigh any advantages, we in Parkville should discontinue organized athletic competition for children under nine."

过去一年80000多9岁以下参加青年联盟的小孩受伤              ‖
青年联盟中一些主要城市的小孩说受到来自教练和家长的压力      ‖==> 体育运动弊大于利==>;P城停止组织9岁以下的孩子体育竞赛
教育专家认为长时间的活动占据了学术时间                         ‖

这篇题目的逻辑结构很清楚


In this letter, it's recommended that athletic competition for children under nine should be discontinued in Parkville. To bolster this conclusion, the author provides statistics about the injuries. Psychological pressure and influence of the children's education are also taken into consideration to support the argument. At first glance, the evidence may be cogent while detailed analysis will show that the assumptions are untenable and thus make the conclusion open to doubt.【第一段还行，中规中矩。给我一种Mark老爷爷附身的感觉，最后一句结尾真真是很烂很烂的模版了，建议今后不要再这样用了，我都看得要吐了，更不要说readers。】

To begin with, the statistics about injuries cited by the auther may not be representative. That 【放这里什么作用？】there are many children injured in the games cannot lead to the same conclusion in Parkville. Perhaps children in Parkville are more careful or hale so few injuried happened there. Also 40,000 doesn't indicate the seriousness since we don't know the total number. Additionally, what kind of injuries happened isn't shown. For example, if there are 1,000,000 children participating in those sports and most injuries are just slight scratches, it doesn't need to worry about that. Such injuries can also happen even they stay at home for children under nine. What's more, a year's survey doesn't indicate this phenomenon will last. Knowing this condition, the coaches are likely to pay more attention to safety which may result in a lower number of injuries. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author cannot reasonably concludes that such sports should be discontinued.【问题考虑得挺全面，不过结构顺序上有些不敢苟同。个人觉得基数问题才是这个点的关键，即80000受伤的孩子在总人数中咱的比重问题；相反，地区代表性的问题反而是最不重要的，可以在论述完之后补充一下。另外，其实题目中并没有说这些孩子是在比赛中受伤的，个人觉得这也是个不充分的地方，不论受的伤是轻是重总还是受伤了，不去参加比赛就能减少受伤害的可能性也是说得通的，题目可并没有说重伤才是disadvantage吧？】
  
Second, the author turn to the aspects of psychology and education to infer that athletic competitions have more disadvantages. A study of youth-leager soccer players in major cities reported the psychological pressure exerted to them. It unfairly implies that players in Parkville will suffer the same pressure. Probably in major cities, the games will be broadcast and have some pecuniary concerns, but in Parkville, they are just considered as recreations. So the children there won't suffer from the same pressure. That the games take away the time for study is also not persuasive. The children don't have to learn during that time once they cannot take part in the competitions. More often will they switch to playing vedio games and watching TV all day long which is much more harmful. Thus attributing such problems to soccer games is not satisfactory.【该段的论证就比较有些主观臆断了。你怎么知道P城不是major city呢？所以这个切入点的论证力度是很不够的。这个点的问题在于模糊概念。回到题目中仔细阅读就会发现，这些有压力的孩子并不一定是9岁以下的，那么这个问题对于9岁以下的孩子是否适用呢？在agrument论述中，由于信息的问题，我们是没有办法肯定或者否定一个概念的，关于P城是否是大城市这件事情作为补充比较适合。其次，关于压力的问题是孩子们自己说的，是否是确有其事还不得而知，只是孩子的自我感觉上的。第二点关于教育家的说法，这里有一个时间概念，长时间的体育运动，怎么样算是长时间的呢？这也是题目的漏洞；再一个，就算取消了本应该锻炼的项目，但这段时间中孩子们是否会去如教育家所说的学习呢？这也不知道吧？】
  
Finally, even admitting that soccer games brings many bad influences, the auther hastily assumes that all organized athletic competition should be forbidden. It may not be the case.  There are many other sports that are ignored. Soccer itself is drastic and thus dangerous. Athletics like swimming and jogging will cause much less injuries and have more benefits. 【你怎么知道？】They are good to health and contain much less rivalry which is the main reason for severe wounds. Wholesomeness will undoubtedly have a good effect on study. Without thinking about these alternatives, we cannot simply accept the author's advice.【看开头还以为LZ看到了一个关键点，结果大失所望吖。作者结论处有一句很关键的话语，他的结论是基于体育运动弊大于利的，但是整个题目的引文中完全没有关于有利处的论述，如何来支持弊大于利的论调呢？而不是去讨论那些运动更安全，受益更多，这些都是主观臆想的，不可取。】
  
To sum up, the letter's suggest of discontinuing organized athletic competition isn't well supported. More information about the injuries will be helpful to improve it. To make it more convincing, reliable statistics about the negative effects is necessary. And discontinuing all the competitions may be to stern and many negative influences are predictable. Taking this into account will lead to a more cogent and favorable advice.

=====================================================================

从文章看，LZ的文路还是比较成熟的，至少在argument这块中规中矩，结构上比较清楚，没有什么太大的问题。但是在内容上就比较欠考虑，论述过程中夹杂不少主观臆想的东西，这在argument中是不可取的。argument我们是弱势群体，手头上除了题目引文之外没有任何可用信息，任何主观的思想都会授人以柄，唯一的一条路就是就事论事，从引文中的信息出发去展开我们的论述，既然引文说的如此肯定，我们只要指出其论据的不足即可，切忌自我发散，不要无中生有地去认为添加内容在其中，都是不可取的。

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

13# chocolet

In any field of inquiry, the beginner is more likely than the expert to make important contributions.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


Human's inquiry can be roughly divided into two fields: science and humanity. 【用在此处不恰当，前后句完全是断开的，没有紧密联系。】While some people asserts that the beginner is more likely to make important contributions than the expert, the fact 【都成事实了还有什么好说的？it is your point】that it is the expert was, is and will be the most important contributor can be never undermined.【第一段中句子与句子之间的联系应该是最紧密的。引语的目的就是为了引出立场，很多时候引语就是一个生动的立场，看了引语会给人一种立场呼之欲出的感觉，知道接下来会得到什么样的结果。】


Take the field of science for example. Seemingly the beginner has some edges: firstly, since the study is totally fresh to him, he is ready to raise questions on the common place where the expert turns a blind eye on; secondly, the beginner is more imaginative, because their minds are not fettered by the restriction of the study.【例子呢同学？给出了论据却没有充分去论证哦。立论我们更看重的是为什么，而不是是什么。】


However, close scrutiny will reveal that they 【who？】are specious advantages. Although the beginner is more likely to put forward a question, is his question meaningful? 【能这样写么？】Maybe his question has been thoroughly inquired, thus it is meaningless. After all, the science it's about collective endeavor, it's essential to know what has been achieved in this field to further the study, which is almost impossibe for the beginner. 【为什么这对新手来说不可能？】Then what about the imagination? As a matter of fact, creative thinking in science should be firmly grounded on the understanding of the subject, and should be expressed according to certain criterion, thus the imagination can be shared by the colleagues and make a difference. Chances are that the beginner doesn't even understand the abstruse theories in the field and he doesn't know how to convey the idea in certain standard, how is his imagination to be possibly contributive?【整段都在说“是什么”，其实我们想知道的是“为什么”。】


As in the case of humanity, the beginner is also less likely to make great contribution to the study than the expert. Even though the humanity places a high value on imagination, and history is plethora of examples where a beginner make a contribution, just as Mozart started to write beautiful melody at the age of 6, this mere fact can never overshadows the lions in the inquiry of humanity. J. S. Bach, who is regarded as the most prestigious musician in the history, is also a respected master in music, and his contribution to music is much greater than Mozart at his beginner stage. Even Mozart himself made much more contributions to music after some years spending in the practice. Why? Because humanity is about the understanding of human nature, which can only be aquired by experiencing life himself and a good knowledge of the legacy of forerunners, whether in the study of history, philosophy or literature. Those lions in the fields are all experts.【这段稍微好点。但是同样读得很纠结，说的是在人文领域内新手同样不及专家的贡献重要，但是大部分的例子都说的是新手作出的贡献。知道最后插一句莫扎特多年的实践作出更多的贡献。毫无意义，题目问的是谁更能作出“important contribution”，而不是谁的贡献更多。要突出的是重要的贡献。】


In conclusion, though it is possible for the beginner to make contribution to a field of inquiry, it is only ephemeral if he does not learn and practise to be an expert. It is the expert that constantly make the most important contributions, whether in the past, nowadays or the future.

基本上没谈到重点

dmnphyUID: 3111329

非常感谢上次的分析，非常有帮助，我确实漏掉了重要的关于子结论的攻击。不过关于臆断的问题倒是有个疑问，就是官方6分范文好像臆断相当多而且离得很远……比如第二段对survey的攻击，写了1堆有的没有……所以我就有点困惑，这种东西到底能不能写？

另外又写了篇argument,因为刚开始所以想多被指点一下，多谢啦~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT3 - The following appeared in the Sherwood Times newspaper. "A recent study reported that pet owners have longer, healthier lives on average than do people who own no pets. Specifically, dog owners tend to have a lower incidence of heart disease. In light of these findings, Sherwood Hospital should form a partnership with Sherwood Animal Shelter to institute an 'adopt-a-dog' program. The program would encourage dog ownership for patients recovering from heart disease, which will help reduce medical costs by reducing the number of these patients needing ongoing treatment. In addition, the publicity about the program will encourage more people to adopt pets from the shelter, which will reduce the risk of heart disease in the general population."

  Grounding on the statistics about owning pets and health, this argument erroneously establishes the relationship between them and generalizes to the disease treatment. Also the assumptions about the feasibility and the effect of the program to the multitude are untenable. With these fallacies, the advice to institute an adopt-a-dog program seems not cogent enough to be adopted.
  To begin with, the report that pet owners have longer, healthier lives on average is used to recommend the program. Since we don't have more information about the survey, the conclusion is suspicious. Whether the sample is large and wide enough is open to doubt which weakens its reliability. Even admitting the phenomenon, the causal relationship between them may be wrong. The author hastily assumes it's owning pets that lead to better health. There are lots of other explanations that may account for this. It can even happen that because these people have healthier lives, they are more capable of caring their pets, thus lead to the statistics. Without ruling out these alternatives, the relevance is unsound.
  Second, although that pet owners are healthier may be true, it doesn't indicate that the program is good to assisting people to restore from heart disease. The author fails to illustrate that owning a dog would have the same positive effects on recovering from heart disease as preventing it. Perhaps those who have heart disease won't benefit from the program for that they cannot play intensive games with their pets. The pets may develop to burdens so that the health of the patients may deteriorate. This misapplied generalization may lead to an unsatisfactory result.
  Third, whether the program is feasible hasn't been discussed in the argument. Maybe most patients are just unwilling to adopt pets, incapable of caring dogs, or affording to raising a dog. They may consider the program inconvenient and prefer normal treatment. Additionally the assumptions that ongoing treatment can be omitted is open to doubt. Pets may do help in some extent, but the argument doesn't show that it is able to substitute normal treatment. Contrast this new program, most patients could consider the old method more reliable. Considering such possibilities, the program may come to nothing at last.
  Finally, the author regard the program as encouragement for more people to adopt pets and prevent heart disease. In the argument, it is mentioned that dog owners tend to have a lower incidence of heart disease, but it is unfair to conclude that adopting other pets may result in the same effect. Also the author's opinion that the program will be appealing to more people is likely to be wrong. Perhaps the general public will think adopting many pets will make the street dirty. Or probably those who are afraid of dogs will strongly oppose this idea. Without taking these possibilities into account, I cannot agree with the author's recommendation.
  In sum, the author should apply more information about the positive effect to recovery of heart disease. The evidence of the feasibility of taking the patients into the program the generalization to public would be helpful to the advice.

潇湘锁铃儿UID: 3137221

2.18G

The surest indicator of a great nation is represented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but by the general welfare of its people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.



The statement attempts to account the general welfare of a nation's people for a nation's greatness independently. But the assumption is that the general welfare is irrelevant with the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists. While there may be some contradictions between the two in some situations, the general welfare of a nation's people is just an indicator of the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists in most cases.
It may hurt its people if its rulers’ objective is a luxurious life for himself or his family. Or the achievements of the rulers are intend to show power or authority, the greater the achievement, the lower level the welfare of its people. Just consider the Great Wall in China or the Pyramids in Egypt. Tremendous numbers of people lost their lives, numerous families broke just for the purpose of the ruler’s own ambitious or personal life. Although both are regarded as world’s wonders now, the happiness of living together as a whole family and even their lives were lost forever. In the eye of people that time, no one will feel happy.
However, it's a nation's rulers' responsibility to protect and guide the nation. For example, rulers will establish laws, which serve to punish wrong behaviors and prevent its people from being hurt. If the rulers set just laws, the society will be safe and ordered. The rulers' achievements can increase its people's welfare. Otherwise, if the rulers set up biased laws, or do not actualize effectively, the society will in chaos and the welfare of its people must be in low level. Whether the achievements of a nation’s rulers is inconsistent with the well-being of its people depends on the intension and ability of the rulers.
Artists is the mentor of our heart. By praising the noble merit, criticizing the mean behaviors(这句话说得不太好，望改), the work of artists encourages people to do goodness such as helping others, stop improper behaviors and so forth. Besides, though the trip in the realms of art, one can be more optimistic and thus live a better live. Obviously, artists enhance the welfare of a nations' people.
Scientists are the creators of our material world. Without them, we will not have Window, Iphnoes and facebooks. Without them, more people will suffer from diseases. Without them, we can never imagine flying to your mother on the opposite coasts in merely one day. The way people live and work are changing rapidly due to scientific development, thus the welfare of a nation’s people can not be in good condition if there are few great achievements by scientists.
To sum up, whether a ruler’s achievements demonstrate high level of welfare of a nation’s people depend on the aims and ability. However, the achievements of artists and scientists will bring on an increase of the level of welfare.

注：这是未限时的，我限时的情况下写不完，（大概只能写250字）对此不知有没有什么建议？还有英语功底不行，不知道这样的文笔用词是否可以？




总结：
1，
时间来不及，打字要加快 （现在大概是理想的一半字数）
2，
stick to what have been decided
3，
在时间来不及的情况下，要注意挖深，可以舍弃一点。
4，
大概的安排：2-3min 想提纲 17min 展开以上两点5min 检查 5min 开头结尾
5，
先列提纲（详细！！！ 包括：大点 例子 展开）

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

关于臆断的问题倒是有个疑问，就是官方6分范文好像臆断相当多而且离得很远……比如第二段对survey的攻击，写了1堆有的没有……所以我就有点困惑，这种东西到底能不能写？

现在OG的范文我也没看过，我是考老G的。关于主观臆断的界定，我个人的看法就是题目中不做论述的部分，或者并没有相关信息的部分，强加进来，并给予结论性语句的内容。不知道OG的范文中是怎么样的饿，你的文里主观思想最明显的就是讨论哪种运动比较安全，这一点是完全在题目中没有任何论述的问题，而你在body第三段（好像是吧？不记得具体哪段了。）中所论述的swimming，jogging比起soccer更加安全。这种论述就是非常主观的。文中有提过这些运动么？显然是没有的，这就是主观臆断，从题目中找不到任何根据的内容。

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

22# 潇湘锁铃儿

The surest indicator of a great nation is represented not by the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but by the general welfare of its people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.



The statement attempts to account the general welfare of a nation's people for a nation's greatness independently.【第一句就偷换了概念，surest indicator，所以全民福利不是唯一的，只是说它是最能够显示的。】 But the assumption is that the general welfare is irrelevant with the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists. 【没看懂】While there may be some contradictions between the two 【you sure?】in some situations, the general welfare of a nation's people is just an indicator of the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists in most cases.【虽然能看懂你的立场，但是写的太晦涩了。issue不存在不赞同题目观点时，需要先驳斥题目的情况。你就可以直接将他当做一个背景交代。In this era, what can be represented as a nation's greatness has been a hot topic. Some people concern it is a nation's welfare of its people rather than achievements of rulers, artists. While, in my point of view....第一段要简单明了，简单地说一下开场语，直接引出自己的立场目的就达到了。】

It may hurt its people if its rulers’ objective is a luxurious life for himself or his family.【基于achievement，这句话很不恰当】 Or the achievements 【这是一个比较偏褒义的词】of the rulers are intend to show power or authority,【这个不叫成就吧....】 the greater the achievement, the lower level the welfare of its people. Just consider the Great Wall in China or the Pyramids in Egypt. Tremendous numbers of people lost their lives, numerous families broke just for the purpose of the ruler’s own ambitious or personal life. 【金字塔倒是比较贴切，法老王的坟。不过长城嘛，我就不是很赞同了，除了彰显实力之外，更多的作用是抵御匈奴。】Although both are regarded as world’s wonders now, the happiness of living together as a whole family and even their lives were lost forever. In the eye of people that time, no one will feel happy.


However, it's a nation's rulers' responsibility to protect and guide the nation. For example, rulers will establish laws, which serve to punish wrong behaviors and prevent its people from being hurt. If the rulers set just laws, the society will be safe and ordered. 【理由呢？有理有据才会为人所相信。】The rulers' achievements can increase its people's welfare.【同样，为什么呀？】 Otherwise, if the rulers set up biased laws, or do not actualize effectively, the society will in chaos and the welfare of its people must be in low level. Whether the achievements of a nation’s rulers is inconsistent with the well-being of its people depends on the intension and ability of the rulers.【talking point一个就好，我们更想看的是你怎么自圆其说。】

Artists is the mentor of our heart. By praising the noble merit, criticizing the mean behaviors(这句话说得不太好，望改), the work of artists encourages people to do goodness such as helping others, stop improper behaviors and so forth. Besides, though the trip in the realms of art, one can be more optimistic and thus live a better live. Obviously, artists enhance the welfare of a nations' people.【同样的，理由】

Scientists are the creators of our material world. Without them, we will not have Window, Iphnoes and facebooks. Without them, more people will suffer from diseases. Without them, we can never imagine flying to your mother on the opposite coasts in merely one day. 【排比用泛例不是很有说服力。if Edison did not bring the electric lamp to the world, we would still illumine candles in the dark; if Wright Brothers did not have a dream to fly in the sky freely, we would never feel our world is as small as possible; if Wason did not bend himself to the find of DNA, we would still suffer some vital diseases. 一般比较好的排比例子大多给出几个比较耳熟能详的历史名人，他们的功绩首先是不存在质疑的，其次他们大多被人用烂了，所以一排比形式出现语气比较强势。当然，我写的这个比较烂...仅供参考。】The way people live and work are changing rapidly due to scientific development, thus the welfare of a nation’s people can not be in good condition if there are few great achievements by scientists.

To sum up, whether a ruler’s achievements demonstrate high level of welfare of a nation’s people depend on the aims and ability. However, the achievements of artists and scientists will bring on an increase of the level of welfare.

=======================================================================

看了下全文，有点混乱。大致的结构还算可以，选择的切入点很聪明，与题目相反观点，之后按照题目的三个部分来进行论述，但是论述做的很不够。

可能你对于题目的解读和我 不太一样吧，题目我是将其看成一道类比问题。achievement & welfare这两个概念应该是有共同点的。基于题目的general welfare得出两个概念的共同点就是造福于民。如果没有共同点还有什么好选择和讨论的？不知道你是否同意我的看法。

于是乎，你的body第一部分就等于出现偏差了。施政者的achievements完全成了负面材料，个人觉得这是和achievement背道而驰的，不能够视为achievements。另外就是例子，长城这个例子不错可以作为achievement，除了彰显武力之外，更多的是抵御外敌，使得中原免遭侵扰，这一点是对人民有利的，避免遭受连绵的战乱，生活自然就好了，welfare也会提高....而金字塔这就纯粹的个人欲望啦，法老王的坟，和achievemrnt没关系，至高无上的坟。后世能成为奇观不代表他是achievement，要注意rulers，当政者。也就是要以那个时代的视角来看待。所以这一段基本上就没在点上。

另外一个问题，其实你在一开篇的时候不知不觉地给自己的论述增加了难度。不光要证明这些achievements具有代表性，其次还要证明这些achievements是general welfare的组成部分或者说是有联系的。如果自身文笔不是很强大的时候，对于选择的题目，最好还是彻底倒向一边比较容易论述。

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

22# 潇湘锁铃儿

打字问题，爱莫能助，我没有这个问题，写完作文时间还有多的...

关于你的写作步骤，时间来不及时，专挖重点这个很正确。至于列提纲，个人不提倡考场上还去列提纲，会无形中拖慢速度。最好是在平时多写写，自然而然会在印象中生成一个比较简单的提纲，碰到相似的题目自然有话可写。开头结尾写几篇文差不多就会了，大部分题目都是可以按同一个形式开头结尾的。

fandesaiUID: 3008257

刚开始写啊。算是第1篇吧。2.18g

24The best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


Is the best way to teach to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones, as the speaker contends? In my view, to praise positive actions is necessary for education, while to ignore negative ones might not be appropriate.

I agree that praising is essentially significant in education toward everyone. Common sense informs us that the core of education lies in broadening one’s horizon of knowledge, rendering others with behavior instructions, and helping establish one’s value system, which aids in making one’s own choices in his or her life. By praising positive actions, education offers us an active respond to our righteous behaviors, which are beneficial not only for ourselves, but also for the society. Consider, for example, how parents teach us in our infant times. We are imbued with the correct value system of characteristics such as tolerance, brevity, generosity and so forth. Parents praise us whenever we exhibit these traits, so that we get an incipient comprehension of beneficial behaviors.

On the other hand, however, it completely misses the point that to ignore negative actions is the best way when teaching. It is dangerous to do so for the reason that to overlook others’ undesirable behaviors is essentially a silent assent, or even a support in a way. If these faults are ignored rather than pointed out, people would go with these negative actions again and again without being aware of its hazard. Obviously, any of the cases above in education would prevent people from improvement, which may accumulate to thwarting the entire society from development and to a stasis in our science areas.

In my view, confronting negative actions, teachers should point them out immediately. In fact, correcting one’s behavior is exactly where the value of education lies, because it accords with the nature of education. For instance, in the history of constant correcting, we human beings have abandoned the notion of sun-centered universe, the unfair slavery, the autocratic government as well as misperceived philosophical awareness of ourselves. Besides, as a student, one should take affirmative measures for facing his or her behaviors bravely. Without determination to alter negative actions, chances are low for anyone to achieve high accomplishments.

In sum, the speaker over-generalizes when it comes to the best way to teach. Educators should not only praise positive actions, but also help students to correct negative ones. In addition, without similar endeavors from students, education cannot demonstrate its true effect.

我写的也很慢。总是没法树立信心。
请问版版当时写issue的时候，是边想边写的呢，还是很顺畅的就打完一篇了？
我总感觉自己的表达不是很跟的上，一句话要想好长时间才知道怎么写。
谢谢版版了~

hulan1991UID: 3144516

提纲还是有点乱。其实没必要把问题说的这么复杂。不知道你内心是赞同多一些还是不赞同多一些的。

举个例子吧，我不赞同多一些：

1、大城市同样是民族文化的一部分，可以列举一些城市中比较有民族特色的东西 ...
咖啡盐 发表于 2012-2-2 11:37

还是这个题，我想的是

1.我部分同意
大城市是政治文化的中心，大城市人口多，交通方便，对文化传承影响力大
大城市为了适应快速流动的人口，达到国际化，逐步趋同，丧失了很多文化特点。比如，为了适应更多外来人口的生活，北京逐步拆掉了京式澡堂，或者，北京，方言文化已经慢慢消失...（瞎编在...）

2.我不同意
繁荣发展并不一定有利于文化传统，反而，有可能，为了经济，牺牲文化，比如，为了腾出更多土地发展，名人XX故居被拆

不知道这样可不可以呢？帮忙楼主看看，谢谢~

peimanfeiUID: 3207438

版主高人，请救我于危难之中，千恩万谢^ ^
老30"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."  
老124. Instant foods, instant communication, faster transportation-all of these recent developments are designed to save time. Ironically, though, instead of making more leisure time available, these developments have contributed to a pace of human affairs that is more rushed and more frantic than ever before.
新90. The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.问法1
In today’s technological advanced society, the importance of efficiency as well as leisure has more and more roused pubic concern. However, it is unwarranted and gratuitous unnecessarily, to make the above assertion, as discussed below, while ignoring other overwhelming roles and the actual relationship between efficiency and individuals’ leisure time.
First, I concede that technological advancement has significantly enhanced the efficiency as we go about our everyday lives. As we have witnessed, automobiles allowed people to move quickly almost everywhere, and electricity powered homes of full of modern “conveniences” such as refrigerators, washing machines and air conditioners. Electronic communication, beginning with the telegraph and the telephone and followed by radio and the television, gave people the ability to reach others instantly, all over the world. But does this mean that technology development brings us more leisure time available?
At first glance， individuals should have more leisure time to free themselves from the accelerating/unprecedented speed of modern life due to the advance of technology. However, it turns out that more leisure time may just exist in our fantasy. Evidence shows that people’s leisure time has even been diminished a lot during these years according to the booming/soaring technology. In 1960, the average U.S. family included only one breadwinner, who worked just for 40 hours per week. Since then the average work week has increased steadily to nearly 60 hours today, and in most families, in fact, there are two breadwinners. Then what could explain this decline in leisure despite increasing efficiency that new technologies have brought about? On the one hand, more and more effective and convenient technological product, such as 3G mobile phone and the computer, has been wildly used to address various problems in our daily work. For instance, having not finished her analysis in the company, it is highly possible for a white-collar to sacrifice her Friday night which is scheduled for a movie with a close friend. On the other hand, almost every technological advance demands our time and attention in order to learn how to use the new technology. Time devoted to keeping pace with technology depletes time for leisure activities.
Besides, I fundamentally disagree with the speaker for another reason. Admittedly, efficiency is an important goal of technological advancement. As a matter of fact, increasing efficiency is merely a byproduct of the advance of technology, and there are far more vital concerns that technology can address. As the industrial societies of an earlier era evolve into today’s high-tech knowledge societies, technology is regarded as primary drivers of innovations, social welfare, increased productivity and wealth creation. Advances in medical technology can allow for safe, less invasive diagnosis and treatment; advances in genetic engineering led to the production of human interferon, human growth hormone, and human insulin, as well as new techniques for use in diagnosis and oncology; advances in engineering and chemistry can improve the structural integrity of our buildings, road, bridges, and vehicles; information and communication technology enables us operate in an information economy, work in a cyber metropolis, live in a global village, and trade in a borderless world.
Consequently, due to analysis and reasons mentioned above, which speak fundamentally contrary to the speaker’s suggestion, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that both efficiency and other vital facets such as innovation, health, study, and globalization should be considered as a whole to consist the ultimate aim of today’s booming advancement of technology.

pswpswpswUID: 3146690

我2月18日G

The following appeared in a memorandum from the planning department of an electric power company.
"Several recent surveys indicate that homeowners are increasingly eager to conserve energy(1) and manufacturers are now marketing many home appliances(2), such as refrigerators and air conditioners, that are almost twice as energy-efficient as those sold a decade ago. Also, new technologies for better home insulation and passive solar heating(2) are readily available to reduce the energy needed for home heating. Therefore, we anticipate that the total demand for electricity in our area will not increase(3), and may decline slightly. Since our three electric generating plants in operation(5) for the past 20 years have always met our needs, construction of new generating plants should not be necessary(4)."


正文：
The writer of the memorandum who claims that construction of new generating plants will not be necessary, seems to offer an cogent argument. However, she/he makes a lot of tenable stated and unstated assumptions ,even the superficial correlations are seemingly logical. And there is a list of the results of those assumptions above examined as follows,revealing the fallacies in his/her reasoning.
  First of all, the writer cites several recent surveys to reinforce his/her argument in that these surveys indicate that home owners are increasingly eager to conserve energy, with an obvious assumption that these surveys could also apply to their area, and also give the credit to these surveys. However, it is entirely possible that the home owner in their area is not eager to conserve energy, perhaps instead a profusion on energy. And, perhaps these surveys are conducted by the manufacturers which are making home appliances with excellent energy efficiences and have the purpose of inducement of wide usage of energy efficient appliances,while the fact may be opposite. Thus, with the lack of evidence to support the assumptions, the writer couldn't convince me that the total energy is going to decline.
  Secondly, the writer assumes pontifically that the more energy efficient, the less energy consumption there will be. However, it is not always true. For example, it is also possible that the total energy consumption is rising with excellent efficience due to the augment in need of increasing in numbers of home appliances.
  Even if energy efficient ones do consume less energy than the older one, the writer also assumes unjustly that the most appliances in our area are made up of the energy-efficient appliances which the manufacturers are marketing. Nevertheless, it is possible that most appliances are still the older ones, which is not that efficient and cost less energy. Thus, it is unfair to conclude such a claim that the total demand for electricity in their area will not increase-and may decline, without checking the reliability of the assumptions above.
  However, the writer also assumes that for the past twenty years have always met their needs doesn't necessarily means next year ,then the needs would also be able met as well. On one hand,considering the development of society, it is entirely possible that the energy would increase as more and more appliances come into everyone home. Anyway, it is natural that things would change with the time flies. On the other hand, what if the tendency of the demand of electricity in their area is increasing, and in the last year the demand just met the supply? Then it is natural to predict that in the next year the demand would likely to be over the supply.
  Without evaluation of these dubious assumptions, the writer cannot convince me of the argument that the construction of new generating plants will not be necessary.

santaimen3176UID: 3242149

版主，江湖救急，3月G。
题目：Educational institutions have a responsiblility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.
提纲：1.成功是由后天努力和先天因素共同决定的，不能在现在做出判断
2.对其他领域的学习对自身能力提高很有帮助
3.没有对其他领域的深究，也不会有现在多学科交汇的繁荣发展
正文：In this era of well educational society leading to increasing students’ desire of pursuing different fields of knowledge, it is essentially imperative that educational institutions should encourage students to get knowledge of area outside their study fields.
   As Thomas Edison said, success is a combination of ninety-nine percent of perspiration and one percent of inspiration. Thus it is impossible for educational institutions to decide which fields of study the students will succeed in the future. Take Albert Einstein for example; during his learning period, he was a normal student who didn't have amazing talented like most children. Almost all the People around him had no idea of which fields he would be successful at that time, even did Einstein himself. It is his great endeavor that made him become a outstanding theoretical physicist through human history. It is illustrated that there exists the possibility that anyone would get promotion in some areas which seems to not likely to succeed initially and no one has a capability to decide it.
  What's more, pursuing the fields of study which students firstly are not familiar with will allow their minds to develop in a new way and teach them to see objects in a different ways. The more skills and knowledge they acquire in schools, the better ability of analyzing and thinking complex problems would be flexibly applied in this advanced society. In China, there exist selective classes which are outside students’ study fields in most well-known colleges. It is proved that students who choose variety of courses interested have great benefit from these classes. The classes they participate give them an opportunity of entering and experiencing an unknown world and drive them get a better control and understanding of themselves.
   Simply put, without pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed, the students would get narrow focus in which they can lose the larger picture. A metaphor example claimed, no one would get the thorough inspection of our body just from our toe-nails. Even the toe-nails were regarded with insightful examination, it is far from sufficient to get the whole body effectively and unquestionably. Although students would get a further of their academic fields, they do not have capability of integrating the knowledge within interdisciplinary and multidisplinary application.
   Concerning the discussion above, we could easily reach the conclusion that educational institutions should encourage students to pursue the fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.
求斑竹老师批改，非常感谢！！