【咖啡盐作文修改铺子】*请先仔细阅读首页要求再附文

UndefeatedTomUID: 3237086

【intricate.这段话还有个问题，逻辑只有一半。为什么学校里的专业会越来越复杂。前面应该加上一句是因为社会的分工越来越细密，学校为了迎合社会的需要学习的领域才越来越详细。】这只是个现象描述，虽然"社会的分工越来越细密，学校为了迎合社会的需要学习的领域才越来越详细"现迎合了后半句，但此话本身并不会有助于解释学生思想专一呆板这件事，所以没必要加。不知版主意见如何？

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

【intricate.这段话还有个问题，逻辑只有一半。为什么学校里的专业会越来越复杂。前面应该加上一句是因为社会的分工越来越细密，学校为了迎合社会的需要学习的领域才越来越详细。】这只是个现象描述，虽然"社会的分工 ...
UndefeatedTom 发表于 2012-2-6 16:10

你的文是哪一篇哪？木有看到你的耶...

UndefeatedTomUID: 3237086

47# 咖啡盐
我在看你评论的第一篇文章，不是我写的

我也发一篇，我看issue只不过20天，也没报新东方，全是自学，望版主不吝赐教！










Issue test1
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."


Correlation of technology development and loneliness is indisputable manifest. Nevertheless, the progressive pace won`t stop. How could artifact, in turn, affect human`s emotion. Are they intended for this? No, technology is under control throughout the history. What is fact is unfully evolutionized technology tool leads to the inadaptation. Distraction unfriendliness and anti-convention reason for the phenomenon.
Disintegerate
Technology, mostly presumed “high-tech”, is merely a tool. Pan for cooking, knife for cutting, computer for calculating, except for its complexity, are criterion of technology. People enjoy merits of them who emancipate people from massive and effort work. This target has never changed. Lately, what has altered is the quantity and complexity, namely quantitative changes leads to qualitative changes. Massive technology get people confused. The motivation of society development is technology operation and manufacture itself, replacing the merit of it! Just as a metaphor implied in Charles Chaplin`s most famous movie Golden Age----a worker is a wretched cog in a machine. Massive technologies actually institute people`s daily life. Seperation and repeat
Reasons for disintegeration. Take computer and cellphone for example, navigation internet exploring texting things like that are either involved in the tools. Based on the similar software scripting method and hardware manufacturing process, a neutral mediator, like i-pad or whatever called, emerge to optimize all e-product into a unity.

Unfriendliness
People have recognized unfriendliness the common symptom of technology. Computer help people calculate and accommodates data, Yet for aged people and low-educated people, they can`t get involved in its advantages. This is followed by many researchers unremitting effort to optimize its unfriendly interfaces as Steve Jobs` i-series product has show its dedicate enthusiasm and crazy welcomed. Yet It`s always witnessed that children the aged or the low-educated confronted with ATM or auto-ticket-selling system have no idea about the next step. Generally speaking ,technology attached enormous additional steps before we reach a goal presumed. That`s why on one hand we can`t live without technology which is really functional ,on the other we abhor its unexpected trivalness. As if humankind a objectively individual criterion opposite to technology is pushed to the margin of society(this is reasonably showed in Metropolis and Xenomorphy such science fiction like these) with replacement of it subordinate identity.
Anti-convention
One mission of technology development is for more valid and easier usage. However, technology inevitably differ from human intelligence. Technology hardly could be used as simple as hands. It`s an unavoidable trend for a new convention coming into effect. For example, communication and traffic equipment like cars and cellphone ,they have abbreviate the time commuting from place to place---car make it to one tenth approximately and cellphone to none mostly. Surely chances meeting face to face sharply declines. Technology-based communication is effective and time-saving despite of risks. So this is where reexamination toward nature of communication arises. The nature of communication is information transition while voice or individual presenece is inevitable in antiquity era without rapid transportation devices and system. To be broadly, phones internet cars are all telecommunication method contrary to face to face communication. Relevantly we have to adopt a new method and attitude toward technological tools. Technology evolution and passive readaptation are going on all the time. From this prospective, loneliness is merely a symptom of incoherence and maladjustment with technological method

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

48# UndefeatedTom

我是按照作者的文章思路进行简单的逻辑论述的。学科分工越来越驳杂，总是有原因的，直接说有些突兀。很直接的理由就是由于时代进步，社会分工的细化，从而导致了学科分化现象的形成，这样也就建立了学科领域和社会之间的联系。学生所学专一呆板与否其最终目的还是为社会服务和处理社会问题方面考虑的。在前面首先建立一个学科与社会的关系，对于后文的论证也就不会显得无中生有，你说什么就是什么的感觉，会显得比较合乎逻辑思维。因为前面有提到过两者间的关系，所以才会有这样的思考。

潇湘锁铃儿UID: 3137221

49# 咖啡盐
哦 我是想减轻版主工作量~~~我只是不太确定什么样算是好的展开 因为看OG上好像写得啰嗦了 他说你有重复 ；写得少了 又嫌你没展开~~~其他自恃还好 不过既然版主愿意看全文 待我改好了发来~~~谢谢 啦啦啦

能麻烦看一下下我现在展开得如何了？

babyenochUID: 3153670

49# 咖啡盐
呃，你们是在讨论我的文章。。。。不甚荣幸，哈哈~~话说版主我好久之前在6楼回复了对你修改的疑问~~~麻烦再看看哩

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

6# babyenoch

Take Einstein as an example. As we know, he is a famous physicist. But he got the thought of the unity of the world from the philosophical thoughts of Spinoza and Euclidean geometries.【这个转折太绝对了。他的理论仅仅是通过哲学得到的么？his thought of the unity of the world contains the pilosophy theories from...】
这句话中文的原文表述是“他从斯宾诺莎的哲学和欧几里得的几何学中吸取了世界统一性思想”，应该没有包含的意思，不过我不知道自己的翻译是不是准确。

他的理论只是有借鉴或者参考某些哲学思想，但不是纯哲学思想吧....如果按你这样的表达，就是他的这个理论是来自某一哲学思想...

Taking courses outside the student's field of study provides chance for students to understand more about other subjects. 【这句话有点欠考虑。与前面的内容没有什么联系。学习其他领域的知识只是为了了解其他领域吗？可以结合前文做一个总结，学习其他领域的知识可以使得这些学生将来更加从容地应对碰到的问题和挑战。】It is benefit for students to solve complicated problems in the future.
其实我这两句话的目的就是对前文的总结，不过可能写成两句有点缺乏连贯性，我改了一下Taking courses outside the student's field of study provides chance for students to understand more about other subjects, and it will be benefit for students to solve complicated problems in the future.

可以，后面家这么一句才符合你的论证主题

还有就是倒数第二段你给的评论【既然论证的是在学其他学科的同时不丢弃主要学科，那么得出的结论应该是更加全面的，而不是单单针对main field。】不太明白。我中间三个主体段是分别论述三个分论点，最后一段才是结论，我稍微修改了一下，这样可以吗？any thinking person will believe that it is complementary between the depth of the professional knowledge and the extent of the knowledge about all subjects. Universities should focus students to learn courses outside their major field of study while studying their major fields well.

你的这个body最后一段中论述的是在学习其他领域学科的同时不该本末倒置忽视了主要学科的学习。你在这段总结的时候说的是when all have been done类似这个吧，不太记得了，那么这样一句就包含了两边，所以你接下来给的结果就应该是结合两类的共同作用了。这一段其实看似论证major course，其实前提包含了学好其他领域，我是这个意思。

留学2013UID: 3187846

45# 咖啡盐 ？？？这是什么情况

santaimen3176UID: 3242149

3月G，求斑竹改改
Formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.
1.教育可以使我们对事物有更好地了解
2.教育可以激发想象力
3.没有教育，我们会变得更狭隘
   There has been a worrying claim that formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits instead of setting them free, concerning about this, I hold my opinion that formal education would open our minds rather than restrain them.
    Admittedly, education would make us have a better control and understanding of this advanced society rather then restrain our minds and spirits. In our observation and observation, we have acquired a large amount of useful knowledge and skills during the long period of studying in school since we were at young age. Learning Chinese would give us increasing sense of cultural heritage, obtaining the knowledge of Math would open our minds to develop in a new way and make us see objects logically. Leaning Art would let us find an amazing picture of this colorful world. Therefore, it illustrated that the formal education tends to broaden our minds and spirits.
    Not only would education bring us an opportunity of feeling this beautiful world, but it can also stimulate our origination and set our minds free thinking. It is the great scientists well educated and knowledgeable that creates this technological world. If Thomas Edison wouldn’t get the education of electrics, we would still illumine the candles in the dark; If Wright Brothers didn't be educated formally, we would never feel our world is as small as possible; If Wason wasn't get well formal education, it is hard to say that we won't suffer from many vital genetic diseases. Generally speaking, the formal education would increase our capability of creative thinking and set our minds free.
    Simply put, without the formal education, the ability of our thinking would be narrow and superficial. Under the condition that we didn't get formal educated, we won't acquire all the impractical subjects including science, math, art and so on. The way of our thinking will be deteriorated to a narrow and single situation. Take the toe-nail for example; no one can hope to understand the human body by only inspecting one's own toe-nails. What we learn from a narrow focus may be internally logically coherent but may be irrelevant or fallacious within the framework of a broader perspective. Further, if we inspect only our toe-nails, we may conclude that the whole body is hard and white. Thus, if we are eager to inspect the whole body thoroughly and effectively, we would get formal education to have comprehensive knowledge of this world.
    From the discussion above, we can easily reach the conclusion that formal education tends to set our minds and spirits free rather than restrain them.  
谢谢斑竹

潇湘锁铃儿UID: 3137221

22# 潇湘锁铃儿



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看了下全文，有点混乱。大致的结构还算可以，选择的切入点很聪明，与题目相反观点，之后按照题目的三个部分来 ...
咖啡盐 发表于 2012-2-3 19:02

亲爱的斑竹 我今天又重新看了下OG，有两个问题
1 感觉OG 对于I 对是否能对I 本身有insightful 的分析很看重，并没有A那么看重devolopment，所以 我觉得分析的时候一定要说到点上
（当然以上是基于写得清的前提 外加我承认我的展开有点太少）
2 I很看重"分"这一步，即不同情况可能结果不同 虽说不同情况结果相同也不是不可能，但那样总显不够概括

个人愚见~~

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

亲爱的斑竹 我今天又重新看了下OG，有两个问题
1 感觉OG 对于I 对是否能对I 本身有insightful 的分析很看重，并没有A那么看重devolopment，所以 我觉得分析的时候一定要说到点上
（当然以上是基于写得清的前提 ...
潇湘锁铃儿 发表于 2012-2-7 20:55

1、嗯，Issue是立论，看的是你自己对于所给出的议题的看法，立场。看的是你的思想。Argument你说对了一点，要说到点上，其次，Argument本身也存在一个驳论的思路，你的驳论发展并不仅仅只是去反驳作者的言论，在反驳的同时，你的argument本身还存在自己内部的一个逻辑性，这一点也是必须保障的。

2、你说的这点也不能说不对，Issue讲究一种发散，从发散中提升层次。这是一条路。

pswpswpswUID: 3146690

29# pswpswpsw


================================================================================

看了下，结构乱不清，段与段之间联系不紧密，没有环环相扣的感觉，这是argument写作中的大忌。其次，论 ...
咖啡盐 发表于 2012-2-4 22:57

1. 承认工厂的用电，我没有考虑。

2. BODY 第2段和第3段放起来是不是更好？

3. BODY 第4段 However 应改成 thirdly 。

以上三点应该是导致BZ觉得文章很乱的原因吧，但我的逻辑觉得并没有什么问题。

4. 我总体的逻辑是这样的。 本来文章就是分布式的逻辑3部分，不是层层递进的。

1） 我认为SURVEY的可信度被作者假设了，从SURVEY的被调查对象和调查者两方面入手。
2）顺便也谈一下你的评论：“文章只言热能方面的节能，什么时候说过整体的节能了？”

对啊，因为没说所以我才提啊。节能只是一个比例，比如文中的50%，但是用电的大小，也就是瓦数，还和具体的家电数目有关。所以有可能是人们生活水平的增加而使得家电数目增加。 文中没有否认我这种可能，所以我当然可以这么说。新东方的修锐老师也说过：ARGUMENT是不需要自己给自己找“证据”说明理由的，只要有可能就行，与ISSUE不同。所以不存在找不到依托的说法，因为我觉得总瓦数和家电数目有关系是最基本的常识。
3）用过去来预测未来是有可能不准确的。1、未来用电瓦数会随着家电增长。2、从预测方式上看，有可能限额刚好达到上一年的用电瓦数，以至于很容易让我们推测未来的用电瓦数会增加。

kellyfu1989UID: 2866435

求指导，2月18日G，这是未计时然后个人修改过的。

11. People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

At the first glance, people seem to be restricted by various external forces, which are all not made by their own, such as law, moral, even sense of group identity. If it is correct as the statement declares, there will be no criminals, traitors, and weirdoes. Obviously, that is impossible. In fact,   people always focus on external factors but ignore their internal factors, which are the major determining factors of their behaviors. In the other words, external forces are incentive factors while the internal factors – such as cognition, thinking, qualities – are the largely determining factors.

In both movies and novels, when people’s criminal behaviors get exposed, they always claim they were forced to do these things by somebody or something. To illustrate the innocence of them, criminals usually owe their behavior to forces not of their own making. It is possible that they would have not got on criminal road without those external forces. Nevertheless, it is themselves who made the final decision to commit criminal, while many other people do not have the same choice under similar circumstance. For example, the famous traitor in the Bible, Judas, betrayed Jesus for a bribe of thirty pieces of sliver. Usually, people think that the treachery of Judas is due to the thirty pieces of slivers. If so, it hardly to explain the other eleven disciples did not be traitors for money, and the chief priests did not choose others to bribe. When the external forces are same, the difference are in twelve disciples’ internal. Thus, the main weakness of Judas had largely determines his treachery. In other words, people always ignore the most determining internal factor – Judas is an avaricious person.

In daily lives, people also believe that external forces not of they own making affects their behaviors, especially when their behaviors result in unfavorable influences. But if once they carefully observe, they will find different people have different behaviors despite that they are in the same situation just as fallow instance.

There are two boys, who are twins, grow up in the similar circumstance, even they share many friends. One day, a teacher asks them to do a math exercise, which is difficult for them. Then the elder boy, who thinks about it the whole night, did not work it out and hands in a blank paper; the other boy turns in a correct answer by asking other people, who can work out. Similar things happen around us. Because of its common, people usually ignore the information in it that people’s behaviors do not determined by external forces but by internal factors. Moreover, people, having more observation about these twins, will find out that the elder boy does everything in a surefooted way, while the younger boy prefers to take the shortcut. That means their behaviors are largely determined by forces they own making.

Although the scenario above is common, it is more easily to reflect causes of people’s behavior. Like a deeply committed Christian, he will never forsake his faith under any circumstance. On the surface, people’s behavior is caused by forces not of their own making, but the major determining factor is their internal forces.

joysionUID: 2815236

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1332604-1-1.html
版主，狠狠拍！

VITAMIN1203UID: 3086641

Issue 35
Educational institutions should dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed。

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.
=========================================================================================my essay:） 2012-2-8
In the speaker's policy, educational institutions should interfere students 's pursuits of study, dissuading them from pursuing fields of study that they are unlikely to be successful. At the first glance, it seems to  be the sensible  thing that in order to succeed in the fields of study, students should follow the educational institutions' dissuasion.After all, one may argue that to pursue the fields of study that you can not succeed means nothing but just a waste of time and the educational resources as well as the students' great efforts.In my point of view, however, in addition to what factors have been discussed above, the speaker should take other issues into consideration, such as students' interests , the well-being of a society etc. .

First, implementing the policy the speaker mentioned above, a consequence that might likely occurs to one is that those who follow the educational institutions' policy mentioned above , accomplish what they pursue in their fields of study significantly .Consequently, this policy, without a doubt, benefit this society a lot, bring a good reputation to those educational institutions and ,at individual's level, help those students make a big fortune,ending it up a win-win situation,which is brilliant.

However, another consequence deserves more concern is that after the educational institutions  successfully implement this policy, almost all the students choose those fields that is more likely to succeed. Eventually, the consequence , spontaneously , is that few to study those fields which seem unlikely to be successful yet quite critical, both to society or individual. Consider that if this is true, there would be hardly anyone to study such hard and unlikely(at least it seems recently) to succeed fields like AIDS,cancer diseases.If so, what would happen to our society? What a great price would we have to pay? How many people would have to be facial  with these fatal diseases?

And what is more, one also have to realize that whether one can succeed or not , lies not in the fields that is likely to be successful, but rather ,at a great extent, in one's every efforts one makes in the process of one's pursuit, in one's perseverance especially at the obstacles one may face in the way to succeed and others' objection or opposite opinions.Take Steve Jobs who wildly regarded as a guru in electronic devices,as an example.While he was still a student, he dropped out after only one semester in college due to financial matter. After that, he still persisted his field of electronic devices , attending meetings of the Homebrew Computer Club,founding  Apple computer in the garage of his parents .Though resigning rom Apple in 1985 due to the conflict between Sculley and him, Jobs founded NeXT Computer in 1985 after leaving Apple.And finally, he became the  The Walt Disney Company's largest single shareholder  and came back to Apple Inc, the company he co-founded ,after overcoming  a great obstacles and persisting his belief.
To sum up, before lanching this policy,educational institutions should take the above consequences and at the same time, the social needs as well, into consideration rather implement it hastily.While at the individual level, one might also rethink the policy and listen to the one's inner voices and  realize that whether one can succeed or not is not determined by others' dissuasion but one's capabilities and the necessary qualities of success.