习作批改专帖

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-21 22:42
113) Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, o ...

感觉自己没药救了。。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-23 22:54
感觉自己没药救了。。

其实随便混一下拿3分的大有人在 也不必强求

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

tesolchina 发表于 2015-8-23 23:36
其实随便混一下拿3分的大有人在 也不必强求

还是不愿意放弃，我再坚持一下。。  老师再看看吧，辛苦了

issue134) Claim: Knowing about the past cannot help people to make important decisions today.
Reason: We are not able to make connections between current events and past events until we have some distance from both.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

I fundamentally disagree with the claim. Admittedly historic facts and figures are far away in the past, the development and characteristic of them may be quite disparate from their counterparts in the present. The perspective in which how we regard and make our judgement to the events may also be affected by the difference in distance between the events in different time. However, for one thing, some quality and characteristic may be enduring over the long period of time regardless of the distance. For another thing, people can always draw the conclusion from some basic cases efficiently even though they happened a long time ago in the past. Furthermore, the overall evolution from what is like in the past to that in the present, may shed light on how we can predict the prospect of our current decisions.

In the history of humankind, some basic features, such as people's greed, motives, perseverance and stamina, have always remained unchanged over a long time, thus the way how they react can be conducive to the study of modern social and political problems. The lust for power and fame made the tyrant like Hitler and Napoleon exploit and oppress their people. Both them ordered a series of invasion to the rest of European countries, yet ultimately ended with the same fiasco. In view of these historic facts, modern political regulators make strict confinement on the power of their presidents, knowing that by limiting the latitude of the leaders, wars will never be easily invoked even by the most influential officials. In this way, the widespread peace is made possible among countries for decades.

Learning the past is equally beneficial to understand and appreciate the some major events in the past, thus people can apply what they learned in deciding the choices over similar but varied matters. Approximately half a century ago, the Soviet Union was one of the two powerful countries in the world. However, for years the Soviet government had been neglecting the well-fare of its people in order to concentrate on the weaponry development. This overlook of people's living standard, at least in part, had eventually rendered the collapse of the super union. Accounting for the mistake made by the Soviet government, subsequent leaders in Russia have always committed themselves to grant the requirement of its citizens, though under no obvious pressure. When the basic need of people in a country is not satisfied, the dissension will accrue thus the president is less likely to win the next election after his presidency expire.

After scrutinizing carefully how things evolve from a distance in the past to the present day, one can make reasonable prediction of his determinations and go for the optimum choice. In the field of economics, historic data can be used to forecast the future. When some is taking a position on an asset, such as equity, he is making a prediction about the future risk and reward related to the asset he bought. As a skillful speculator, one has to take into account the historical change in the price of the asset, perhaps even analyzes the trend. There is no doubt that many people have made a fortune by investing in a similar way.  Though the history facts may not be put on the same footing with the present ones, it is suitable and justifiable to make use of the changes that have taken place to predict the future momentum.

To sum up, there is a prominent difference between subjects and facts in the history and those in today, it is also imprudent to treat them indiscriminately. However, some quality of things may have an lasting feature, people are also able to draw a conclusion from similar but not identical situations. Besides, it is an pragmatic approach to utilize the historic development to forecast the future outcome. Given these considerations, it is justifiable to say that the knowledge of history can actually help people in making up their mind upon major subjects.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-24 03:11
还是不愿意放弃，我再坚持一下。。  老师再看看吧，辛苦了

issue134) Claim: Knowing about the pas ...

首先，你的主旨句里没有充分回应题目的关键词，尤其是make decisions。
其次，你没有很合适的例子。我的提纲里写了很好的例子，你不用实在太浪费了。而你用的例子太宏大，很难在这么短的文章中驾驭。
另外，你中间的三段设置的三个分论点之间是如何区分的，我不太看得出来。

锤先森G330UID: 3603995

快考试了早上起来限时写了一篇Issue 108
谢谢老师点评
前几天搬宿舍乱七八糟修改又耽误了，汗。。抓紧补上

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

tesolchina 发表于 2015-8-24 07:26
首先，你的主旨句里没有充分回应题目的关键词，尤其是make decisions。
其次，你没有很合适的例子。我的 ...

应该说，最近几篇都是按照北美范文尝试的失败产物。 因为那里面更侧重思维论证，攻击issue的逻辑。
比如这篇我对题目的解读是，由于历史事件与人们存在一定的距离，所以我们不能依据历史来对当下的事情做重大决策。 攻击方式为：
1.人们的一些特征在历史演进中是不变的，因而历史可以当作参照；
2.在历史与现状有所不同时，我们依然可以在相似的问题上采取同样的策略；
3.历史与现在的对比所体现出来的变化过程，可以帮助我们预测未来。

而关键词问题，我也受其影响不是完全对应，而是通过类似的表达方式来体现，可能画虎不成反类犬了吧。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-24 09:02
应该说，最近几篇都是按照北美范文尝试的失败产物。 因为那里面更侧重思维论证，攻击issue的逻辑。
比 ...

写出一篇像样的GRE作文的关键是找到好的例子。好的例子不仅切题，而且能够启发我们帮助我们发现一些有趣的规律。比如我在提纲中提到的例子，为什么银行在借钱给你之前要看看你的信用记录，因为银行相信一个人的行为具有延续性，过去还钱的人将来大概也会还钱。当然这样的规律并不总是成立，但是是有用的。

我觉得能找到这么好的例子应该是一件很幸运的事情，因为这就意味着这道题其实是比较好写的。并不是每个issue都能找到这么好的例子。 有时候只好发大招出思想实验。

无极仙道UID: 3592856

锤先森G330 发表于 2015-8-24 08:47
快考试了早上起来限时写了一篇Issue 108
谢谢老师点评
前几天搬宿舍乱七八糟修改又耽误了，汗。。抓紧补上 ...

占楼回复先。这篇既然老师已经点评过了，本渣渣其实真的没有什么发言权了……不过为了遵守先点评后贴文的规矩，我终于找到了一个小语病XD： Therefore, they are less likely to understand the work of number theory analysis that done by lots of mathematicians, 这一句话that done 似乎少be动词或者多了个that

无极仙道UID: 3592856

原题：The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
issue习作：
首段整句是论点集合：
I completely agree that the best way for a society to prepare its youth for leadership in all kinds of fields is by instilling them the sense of cooperation,based on the consideration that a sense of cooperation would be beneficial to premote mutual understanding and make up the shortage of individual members ,and combine their advantages,thus forming a more competitive power.As for competition,it's to some extent spontaneous in modern society ,thus it's not as important to instill the young people a sense of competition as that of cooperation.
分论点1：法德放下宿仇
  A sense of cooperation is crucial to promote mutual understanding.The formation of European Union could illustrate this proposition quite well.It's  because of the virtue of France and Germany's mutual tolerance and willing to cooperate that the base of European Union is founded.When they transfer their concentration from the long-existing conflict between the two nation to the favorable prospect of coorperating,they are able to aggregate advantages in natural resources,human resources and finance of each other,forming a more prosperous economy.
分论点2：优势结合
  Cooperation could also combine advantages of every members in the cooperative relationship.Intel and Microsoft are both monarchs in their respect domain.However,at the very beginning,neither of them share the biggest part of the market.It's largely because their strategy of cooperating with each other that they could have an advantage over IBM and AMD.etc,which have been  their most powerful rivals.
针对可能出现的相反观点的反驳：
Some people may argue that a sense of competition could help youth to realize what their rivals have been up to and keep abreast of the most advanced skills and technology.However,the stress of competition in modern society is kind of spontaneous,and it's not necessary for a society to instill in the youth a sence of it.In contrast,what is the very essential skill and young people usually are lack of ,is the skills and sense of cooperation.
Therefore,I absolutely agree that the best way for a society to prepare its youth for leadership in all kinds of domains is to help them form a sense of cooperation,for that is the bridge of mutual understanding of people and combining advantage of different member's of the society in the forthcoming era.

无极仙道UID: 3592856

无极仙道 发表于 2015-8-24 17:19
原题：The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, ...

这一篇issue感觉第一个例子，即法德放下宿仇选择合作举得不很好。因为后来也提到两国看到了合作的美好前景。也就是说这个例子似乎可以用在两个论点上，而不是“论点1专属”，自认为这例子很不专业。
原题：The following is taken from a memo from the advertising director of the Super Screen Movie Production Company.

"According to a recent report from our marketing department, during the past year, fewer people attended Super Screen-produced movies than in any other year. And yet the percentage of positive reviews by movie reviewers about specific Super Screen movies actually increased during the past year. Clearly, the contents of these reviews are not reaching enough of our prospective viewers. Thus, the problem lies not with the quality of our movies but with the public's lack of awareness that movies of good quality are available. Super Screen should therefore allocate a greater share of its budget next year to reaching the public through advertising."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
argument习作：
In the memo,the director of advertising argue that the reason of fewer people attending Super Screen-produced movies is public's lack of awareness that movies of good quality are available and recommend that Super Screen allocate a greater share of budget to reach the public through advertising.S/he draw this conclusion based on the discrepacy of increasing percentage of positive reviews and decreasing of amount of people who have attended. At first glance the recommendation of the director is somewhat reasonable.However,some questions should be answered,including the validity of the judgement about pulic's lack of availability of good movies and the effecacy of the advertising-strengthening strategy.
  First of all,the director draw his/her conclusion that  the contents of reviews are not reaching eonough of their prospective viewers,just according to the  report of lsat year,without more statistics.What if the market of last year is quite uncommon and during recent decade except last year,the people who attended Super Screen-produced movies have been accelarating?The question about the  amount of people who attended Super Screen-produced movies and the percentage of positive reviews of recent years should be answered to evaluate this recommendation.
In the second place,the director incriminate the declining of viewers last year to that the contents of positive reviews are not reaching enough to prospective viewers.However,it's likely that those prospective viewers knew that there were good movies,but they just couldn't afford.Questions concerning why some people were not willing to attend Super Screen-produced movies should be further investigated to evaluate the director's recommendation.
Last but not least,the director recommend that a greater share of  Super Screen's budget be allocated to advertising.Whether advertising would be effective might have not been carefully turned over.To evaluate the recommendation,the efficacy of propelling advertising should be answered.
To sum up,question about the real market situation of recent years ,the exact reason that fewer people attended Super Screen-produced movies last year and the effecacy of allocating more budget to advertising should be ansered if the director's recommendation is to be supported.

bairongUID: 3607808

楼上同学好~先占楼评下这篇argument，下次可以标明是argument X喔，这样也好对照一下~

"According to a recent report from our marketing department, during the past year, fewer people attended Super Screen-produced movies than in any other year. And yet the percentage of positive reviews by movie reviewers about specific Super Screen movies actually increased during the past year. Clearly, the contents of these reviews are not reaching enough of our prospective viewers. Thus, the problem lies not with the quality of our movies but with the public's lack of awareness that movies of good quality are available. Super Screen should therefore allocate a greater share of its budget next year to reaching the public through advertising."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

argument习作：
In the memo,the director of advertising argue that the reason of fewer people attending Super Screen-produced movies is public's lack of awareness that movies of good quality are available and recommend that Super Screen allocate a greater share of budget to reach the public through advertising.S/he draw this conclusion based on the discrepacy of increasing percentage of positive reviews and decreasing of amount of people who have attended. At first glance the recommendation of the director is somewhat reasonable.However,some questions should be answered,including the validity of the judgement about pulic's lack of availability of good movies and the effecacy of the advertising-strengthening strategy.
动词没有用第三人称单数或过去式，如the director of advertising argues，下同

   First of all,the director draw his/her conclusion that  the contents of reviews are not reaching enough of their prospective viewers,just according to the  report of last year,without more statistics.第一句话表达有点怪，但我语言表达不好，只能提点意见：一句话里可以不用说那么多内容，分成两句，第一句：只根据去年报告得出结论，第二句：需要更多的统计数据。What if the market of last year is quite uncommon and during recent decade except last year,the people who attended Super Screen-produced movies have been accelarating?The question about the  amount of people who attended Super Screen-produced movies and the percentage of positive reviews of recent years should be answered to evaluate this recommendation.

In the second place,the director incriminate这个好像不对，我知道你想说归因于，是不是可以用attribute the declining of viewers last year to that the contents of positive reviews are not reaching enough to prospective viewers.However,it's likely that those prospective viewers knew that there were good movies,but they just couldn't afford.Questions concerning why some people were not willing to attend Super Screen-produced movies should be further investigated to evaluate the director's recommendation.

Last but not least,the director recommend that a greater share of  Super Screen's budget be allocated to advertising.Whether advertising would be effective might have not been carefully turned over.To evaluate the recommendation,the efficacy of propelling advertising should be answered.

To sum up,question about the real market situation of recent years ,the exact reason that fewer people attended Super Screen-produced movies last year and the effecacy of allocating more budget to advertising should be ansered if the director's recommendation is to be supported.

语言表达还有点怪，建议比对下范文。
论据方面可以补充：（1）正面评价不一定是对电影本身质量的正面评价，所以作者断言观影人数减少与电影本身质量无关是有疑问的。
（2）文中说movie reviewers，应该是指影评人，影评人的评价与观众对电影的态度不一定是一致的。

bairongUID: 3607808

因为快要考试了，ISSUE在跟着范文自己刷，感觉放到这儿来批改有点浪费大家时间了，所以就在这儿写argument练练手，感谢老师和同学批改~

Argument19)Two years ago, radio station WCQP in Rockville decided to increase the number of call-in advice programs that it broadcast; since that time, its share of the radio audience in the Rockville listening area has increased significantly. Given WCQP's recent success with call-in advice programming, and citing a nationwide survey indicating that many radio listeners are quite interested in such programs, the station manager of KICK in Medway recommends that KICK include more call-in advice programs in an attempt to gain a larger audience share in its listening area.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

In this argument, the KICK manager suggests that the station should introduce more call-in advice programs in order to attract more audiences given the fact that WCQP has increased its share of audience after a similar action and a nationwide survey showed that a number of listeners were fond of such programs. A number of questions including why WCQP has increased audiences, whether it is feasible to introduce more call-in advice programs for KICK and whether the call-in advice programs will increase the size of audiences for KICK need to be answered in order to assess the argument.

The first question we need to investigate is whether or not the inclusion of more call-in advice programs really caused the increase of audiences share for WCQP. While it is true that WCQP managed to attract more listeners after more call-in advice programs were introduced, it is untested that the introduction of call-in advice programs actually relate to the increasing popularity of WCQP. There are also other possible scenarios to explain the growing number of listeners. Maybe the quality of other programs of the station had been improved; as a result, more audiences chose to listen to those programs. It is also possible that WCQP recently hired a popular DJ and helped attract a lot of listeners. If it is not call-in advice programs that attract more audiences, the recommendation would not help KICK to produce the desired effect.

In addition, we need to know whether it is feasible for KICK to introduce more call-in advice programs. There are two questions to examine: one is how many call-in advice programs KICK currently has; the other is whether the station has enough staff to introduce more call-in advice programs or can afford to train relevant staff. If KICK already has many call-in advice programs, it is unwise to introduce the same type of programs again as they would take away the space of other important programs. On the other hand, call-in advice programs may require staff with specialized training in fields such as counselling. If KICK does not have enough staff or it is costly to hire such personnels, the recommendation would not work very well.

Finally, we also need to ask whether more audiences would tune in for call-in advice programs that would be added. The result of nationwide survey does not necessarily apply to the KICK listeners who are primarily residents in Medway. Further investigation needs to be conducted about the demographic information about Medway compared to that of the whole country. Besides, it still has other measures to attract more listeners. For example, KICK may improve the quality of other important programs. In short, more information needs to be gathered about how to increase the audiences share for KICK.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

bairong 发表于 2015-8-24 20:23
因为快要考试了，ISSUE在跟着范文自己刷，感觉放到这儿来批改有点浪费大家时间了，所以就在这儿写argument练 ...

questions about (not that)
increase the size of the audience (attract more listeners)
as a result前面用分号

具体内容你可以和我的范文或提纲比对一下

qwhrp94UID: 3582413

bairong 发表于 2015-8-24 20:23
因为快要考试了，ISSUE在跟着范文自己刷，感觉放到这儿来批改有点浪费大家时间了，所以就在这儿写argument练 ...

发表一点自己的拙见吧

首段：
A number of questions that ---- that改成including 可能更好一些
主旨句的确是点了三个point,但是我觉得后面两个point不够specific，好像只是复述了一遍这个recommendation 想要解决的问题，并没有很好地体现你的具体的point

第二段：
There are other possible scenarios 这句有点突兀，加一点逻辑连接词比较好
also, as well, too可以试试
第三可能性前面加 what's more, furthermore 可能更自然一点

第三段：
我觉得你的Topic sentence和首段的句子一样不够specific
如果我来写的话，应该会把两个question合并成一个：
The next question we need to answer is whether the  current size of staff in KICK can meet the need of  the new programs.

第四段：
Besides 后面的内容，I'm not sure, but feel there is some subtle distraction from the argument.
The recommendation 认为，为了增加收听的份额，应该开更多的那种节目，核心应该是“更多的这种节目会引起收听量增加”而不是“什么样的手段可以增加收听量”，所以感觉略略有点偏离了。
不过这是我个人的感觉，具体怎样还是看老师的

最后，时间够的话LZ最好还是sum 一下吧

qwhrp94UID: 3582413

Argument :
7) The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books.
We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.



According to the recommendation, it is necessary for the Monarch Books to open a cafe so that it is able to attract more customers. It firstly proposes that a national census shows a dramatic decline in percentage of the population under age ten and then claims when Regal Books opens a new cafe, the Monarch must open a new one as well in order to compete with it.To have a sound assessment about whether Monarch Books should open a cafe, some more questions, including what the likes and dislikes of customers are, what the total number of children under age ten in the town is and what differences Regal Books may have with Monarch Book, should be answered.

To begin with, we must consider specific likes and dislikes of customers of Monarch Books. While it is possible that opening a new cafe can attract customers who enjoy reading books while drinking a cup of coffee, those who do not share the same penchants may not be attracted by the cafe. What's more, according to the board, Monarch has been in business at the same location for a long time. This indicates there may be many customers come to the book store just out of habit, and it is nothing to do with if there is a cafe or not. Thus, it is untenable to conclude opening a new cafe must attract more customers than before.

The second aspect we need to consider is about the total number of children under age ten in the town. By citing the national census, the recommendation suggests because of the decline of population of children under ten, discontinuing the children's book section for a new cafe is desirable. However, the national census may not fully reflect the number of children in the town Monarch locates. It is quite possible although there is a diminish percentage of children around the nation, percentage of children in the town rises.  Therefore, a discontinue of children's book section may not attract more customers but possibly has a negative influence on attracting more children, who are also important customers, on the contrary.

Furthermore,as there must be some differences between Monarch and Regal, the business strategy adopted by Regal may not have the same compelling effect on Monarch. For instance, the books sold in Regal could be more suitable for people to sit and read while drinking a cup of coffee, while those in Monarch may not share the same features.  In addition to the kinds of books sold, the kinds of coffee sold in cafe can differ between the two bookstores. If people tend to drink more coffee served in Regal, it is no use to open a cafe sold coffee people have no interests for attracting more customers.

In conclusion, the seemed plausible recommendation actually needs more questions to be answered to determine whether the bookstore should open a cafe. When more evidences on customer's likes and dislikes, the clear statistics about how number of children changes in the town and the specific differences between Monarch and Regal are provided, the recommendation can be much better assessed.

这篇Argument的字数是516字

首段按照老师的方法复述了原文的论点和论据，但是感觉那段会不会略长了点？复述论点和论据是越简洁越好吗？

对照老师的中间段展开，感觉自己的一些reason还不够compelling...比如那个book suitable for drinking coffee。。自己都觉得怪怪的，还要继续拓展思路才行OTL