习作批改专帖

CandyisthebestUID: 3626719

yswhynot 发表于 2015-9-20 16:26
已经点评了Candy同学的作文啦：https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... &page=2#pid1779 ...

点评楼上同学习作，仅供参考啦~


/******20 Sep 2015*****
53.The following appeared in a health magazine.
"The citizens of Forsythe have adopted more healthful lifestyles. Their responses to a recent survey show that in their eating habits they conform more closely to government nutritional recommendations than they did ten years ago. Furthermore, there has been a fourfold increase in sales of food products containing kiran, a substance that a scientific study has shown reduces cholesterol. This trend is also evident in reduced sales of sulia, a food that few of the most healthy citizens regularly eat."
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument
**********************/

The piece of argument above tries to prove that the citizens of Forsythe live healthier lifestyles because of the following reasons: firstly, a survey showing that their eating habits is arecloser to a nutritional recommendations ten years ago; secondly, the change of food sales which seems to lead to healthier life. The information provided above is not sufficient enough to prove the statement, and other evidence is needed as shown below.

For the first evidence, a recent survey showing their closer eating habit to government nutritional recommendations ten years ago. There are two flaws in this point. Firstly, there is no information about this survey, so that it is not convincing that this survey will represent the conditions of most people. Secondly, the nutritional recommendations are not specified. To strengthen the argument, the writer needs to point out the number of people taking the survey and its percentage of the citizens. 这句可以进一步写，直到削弱作者结论。he writer then needs to prove the nutritional recommendations to be convincing. However, this might still weaken the argument for the reason that the recommendations ten years ago is very likely to be outdated and not suitable for current society.

For the second evidence, the increase or decrease sales of certain food product cannot prove the statement. For the first substance mentioned, substance 指代不明确，可以直接说cholesterol the writer needs to show that cholesterol is bad for health, so that more kiran can be healthy for people. For the second substance, few of the most healthy citizens eat does not prove that sulia is bad for health. It might just be a matter of personal preference instead of general health concerns. Besides, to strengthen the argument, the writer could not prove the statement only with individual examples of the sales of food products. Instead, he should support the idea with a general discussion of the entire food markets sales in Forsythe. For instance, decrease decreasing sale in rubbish food in the local market will be more convincing to prove that the citizens are living more healthier lifestyles, and later give some specific examples.可以继续写 specific examples of what
In conclusion, the argument is not convincing and lacks evidence. To strengthen the argument, the writer should provide sufficient information about the survey and nutritional recommendations mentioned, as well as discussing the food market as a whole, instead of giving only specific examples on food sales.

bit_liangUID: 3643530

点评Candyisthebest同学的习作：https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=2#pid1779942378
本人Issue01 的Outline：
Issue 01：
As people rely more and more on
technology to solve problems, the ability of
humans to think for themselves will surely
deteriorate.
Write a response in which you discuss the
extent to which you agree or disagree with the
statement and explain your reasoning for the
position you take. In developing and
supporting your position, you should consider
ways in which the statement might or might
not hold true and explain how these
considerations shape your position.
-------------------分隔线------------------------
TS:
It's true that we are depending more on technology to solve diverse kinds of problems. To determine if our ability to think on ourselves deteriorate or not, we should concern about which kind of problems we confront. For problems in everyday life, the statement may hold true that we are gradually losing time in critical thinking due to the development of technology. However, in the field of science and technology, the core problem itself is to improve the research methods, so their capacities of thinking will be sharpened rather than weaken. In addition, people studying thoughts, such as the field of philosophy and society, will also not losing their ability to think creatively.
ts1:
Thanks to the developed technologies, our lives are becoming more and more convenient. Nevertheless, as inconvenience are becoming less, we are losing our opportunities to solve everyday problems as well. This is an inevitable consequence of the progress of science and technologies and we can do nothing to prevent this disappearance unless we stop our steps towards higher intelligence.
ts2:
Fortunately, our ability to think will not die away as we have to deal with more problems in spite of everyday life. Our jobs are usually about how to solve problems in terms of science, technology or thoughts. For people who are working in science and technology, it is true that they use more and more highly developed technologies in completing their research. But they treat these new methods just as tools, and tools are always of no use in order to find out new theories or new methods, they have to think on themselves to be creative and critical.
ts3:
Similarly, professionals in studying philosophy and society also need technologies for survey and statistics analyzing. But they never focus on the technologies themselves, they are working on digging out how society is organized or how psychology are affecting people's moods. In relating the statistics and the underlying reasons, they will rely on their own abilities to analyze and synthesize.
注：主要想看看是否符合老师的第一关，欢迎各位老师同学提出宝贵建议！:lol

EZ0928UID: 3454654

Issue 01：
As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
---

TS:
It's true that we are depending more on technology to solve diverse kinds of problems. To determine if our ability to think on ourselves deteriorate or not, we should concern about which kind of problems we confront. For problems in everyday life, the statement may hold true that we are gradually losing time in critical thinking due to the development of technology. However, in the field of science and technology, the core problem itself is to improve the research methods, so their capacities of thinking will be sharpened rather than weaken. In addition, people studying thoughts, such as the field of philosophy and society, will also not losing [lose] their ability to think creatively [with the advanced technology.] vvv 很好，有展开全文。

ts1:
Thanks to the developed technologies [development of technology], our lives are becoming more and more convenient. Nevertheless, as inconveniences are becoming less, we are losing our opportunities to solve everyday problems as well. This is an inevitable consequence of the progress of science and technologies and we can do nothing to prevent this disappearance unless we stop our steps towards higher intelligence. vvv 主题句很明显，很好

ts2:
Fortunately, our ability to think will not die away as we have to deal with more problems in spite of everyday life (???). Our jobs are usually about how to solve problems in terms of science, technology or thoughts. For people who are working in science and technology, it is true that they use more and more highly developed technologies in completing [to complete] their researches. But they treat these new methods just as tools, and tools are always of no use in order to find out new theories or new methods, they have to think on themselves to be creative and critical. [therefore, they still need to think on themselves to be …]

ts3:
Similarly, professionals in studying philosophy and society also need technologies for survey and statistics analyzing. But they never focus on the technologies themselves, they are working on digging out how society is organized or how psychology are affecting people's moods. In relating the statistics and the underlying reasons, they will rely on their own abilities to analyze and synthesize. vvv

展开的也很好，
分成everyday life, science and technology, philosophy and society 三个层面去叙述文章
主题非常的明显，很容易看出你要讲的内容。
再加上例子，相信会是一篇很出色的文章
--- ---


Argument 118
The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

"A recent study rating 300 male and female advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied those whose executives reported needing no more than six hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. On the basis of this study, we recommend that businesses hire only people who need less than six hours of sleep per night."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
---

The article argues that companies should hire people who sleep less than six hours in order to prosper in that based on a survey of 300 employees these people are more likely to be successful. However, to evaluate this article, a number of details are needed.

Firstly, we need to know whether this survey can be applied broadly or not. That is to say, in the article, the 300 subjects of the survey are all from a single company, and maybe sleeping less is important for people who work in that field, advertising, to success. Yet, we do not know whether the survey can applied in other kinds of industry, namely, marketing fields and engineering fields. Therefore, if the author provides more evidence showing that the survey results can also be seen in various kinds of industries, the argument will be more convincing.

Secondly, we do not know whether the subjects are telling the true about their lifestyles when taking the survey. To be more specific, it is possible that the survey respondents want to impress others or leave good images to others when answering the questions. Without further data to verify the reliability of the survey results, we can hardly evaluate the recommendation.

Finally, more information about the consequences of sleeping less than six hours per night should be answered. That is to say, even the results surely benefit for the company, we cannot tell the situation in a long term. Maybe, sleeping relatively small amount of time would have some negative impact on people’s health and their performance in the long term. Besides, we do not know how their lifestyles may affect overall satisfaction of themselves and their co-workers. Therefore, if these questions would be answered, we can know more about the consequence of the behavior.

All in all, it is not reasonable to recommendation hiring people who sleep less than six hours per night without answering the questions about the survey mentioned above. More information is needed before we can evaluate the recommendation.

CandyisthebestUID: 3626719

Argument 118
The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

"A recent study rating 300 male and female advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied those whose executives reported needing no more than six hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. On the basis of this study, we recommend that businesses hire only people who need less than six hours of sleep per night."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
---

The article argues that companies should hire people who sleep less than six hours in order to prosper in that based on a survey of 300 employees these people are more likely to be successful. However, to evaluate this article, a number of details are needed.

Firstly, we need to know whether this survey can be applied broadly or not. That is to say, in the article, the 300 subjects of the survey are all from a single company原文也没说来自一个公司，过度推理了额, and maybe sleeping less is important for people who work in that field这句没有紧接上句质疑300人的代表性, advertising, to success. Yet,we do not know whether the survey can applied in other kinds of industry, namely, marketing fields and engineering fields.Therefore, if the author provides more evidence showing that the survey results can also be seen in various kinds of industries, the argument will be more convincing.

Secondly, we do not know whether the subjects are telling the truetruth。原文完全没有提到lifestyle（比如抽烟喝酒），不存在说的是不是真话，你可以写writer忽略了lifestly about their lifestyles when taking the survey. To be more specific, it is possible that the survey respondents want to impress others or leave good images to others when answering the questions. Without further data to verify the reliability of the survey results, we can hardly evaluate the recommendation.这段lifestly 没有展开额

Finally, more information about the consequences of sleeping less than six hours per night should be answered.needed That is to say, even the results surely benefit for 去掉the company, we cannot tell the situation in a long term. Maybe, sleeping relatively small amount of time would have some negative impacts on people’s health and their performance in the long term. Besides, we do not know how their lifestyles may affect overall satisfaction of themselves and their co-workers. Therefore, if these questions would be answered, we can know more about the consequences of the behavior.

All in all, it is not reasonable to recommendation hiring people who sleep less than six hours per night without answering the questions about the survey mentioned above. More information is needed before we can evaluate the recommendation.

CandyisthebestUID: 3626719

这是我的习作
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3626719

感谢老师同学点评~

TrueyangUID: 3642895

Candyisthebest 发表于 2015-9-24 09:07
这是我的习作
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... id=1779951067&f ...

已经按照王老大的框架要求点评LS的文章

这次我写的是ISSUE146
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3642895

王老师在范文中使用的是难度较大的ARUGMENT的手法，分别从PREMISE, EVIDENCE, PROCESS OF REASONING三个方面讨论，的确比较抽象，而且对写作者要求很高，需要自己举例子并且同时作为反对者去质疑前提，推理和证据。可是说是XX MUST DIE的难度。高山仰止，但学不了。于是在习作中我就试着从参与讨论的双方是否对等这个角度出发来讨论，各位英雄来给评评是不是还能站得住脚？

hylshelleyUID: 3492733

Trueyang 发表于 2015-9-24 23:07
已经按照王老大的框架要求点评LS的文章

这次我写的是ISSUE146

楼上的批改在这里~

ISSUE146
146) The best test of an argument is the argument's ability to convince someone with an opposing viewpoint.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

首先觉得LZ蛮有创意的，例子也很有启发性，赞一个~

不过从第一段来看不知是否有偷换概念的嫌疑？我查了下MW，argument的比较重要的释义如下

1) a statement or series of statement for or against something
2) a discussion in which people express different opinions about something
3) an angry disagreement

题目明显用的是第一个释义，而楼主似乎是在用第二个释义，这样会不会造成play field都不一样？不过后面来看楼主又转回第一个释义了，有些不解……

另外，LZ没有给出一个评价argument好坏的criterion，所以在后面几个论点中好像就没有一个标杆可循。比如如果把assumptions are valid and the logic chain is coherent 作为一个criterion，那么就可以说scientists are well-trained to undergo this kind of procedure that they can dexterously establish a seemingly unassailable framework even when there are holes in the argument. Laymen, in contrast, is disadvantageous as they are not familiar with how make induction step by step, therefore may make venial but clumsy logic leap that debilitate their statement.


As human societies are developing toward civilization, arguments instead of violence become a common and reasonable way for people to exert influence upon each other in order to form a common ground. In my opinion, the validity of an argument can be tested through the way mentioned in the statement when the two sides are comparatively equal. However, if one side involved in the argument is more powerful than the other, then the consequence of persuasion does not justify the reliability of the argument. Because the consequence may be achieved through obedience rather than the validity of the argument itself. I will illustrate my point with more concrete examples as follows.

When the two sides involved in the argument is (are) not even in their power, such as information acquired, the result of convincing someone will lose its validity to justify the argument. Imagine a debate between a layman and an expert,
-an expert has a clear structure of the whole knowledge system of the topic. Thus, he or she can develop a detailed and well supported thesis with ease, though his idea may not make sense when examined by other experts.
-however, it would not be possible for an outsider to discuss the same topic in the same systematical way. Thus, only a few fragmented points can be made.
-The huge gap between the arguments would give the former a dominant position through comparison.
-In this manner, the outsider can be easily convinced by the expert, due to the inequality of knowledge structure rather than the argument itself.

感觉这一段论证与论点里的information acquired并没有关系啊？感觉作者的意思是一个argument的systematic form可以overshadow the validity of the underlying idea. 如此的话在论点里LZ应该更强调form，而且强调form为何不能反映argument的好坏。

Despite the knowledge inequality (inequality in knowledge) mentioned as a factor contributes to the invalidity of testing an argument, the statement could also be wrong when the hierarchical power inequality (这个hierarchical power inequality虽然很高级的样子但是有点生造的感觉考官会不会看不懂) is involved.
-For example, the argument would not necessarily be convincing concerning with a debate between a boss and an employee.
-the boss acquires imperative power which has the capability to force people to agree. (the boss acquires imperative power to force obedience)
-an employee tends to consent with the idea of the boss even without full understanding. (and assent)
-because of the inequality in power, the boss does not need to develop a well supported argument to persuade his employee to accept what he said.
-As the two examples aptly illustrate, the quality of an argument cannot be reliably tested as long as the two sides involved are not equal in their state.

An argument can be well tested as the two sides are comparatively equal in their power, whether it is information acquired or political power obtained. Take scientific argument between two scientist schools (去掉scientists) as an example.
-as we know, scientific schools are usually comparatively even when referring to the knowledge they acquired. (这个judgement好像不是很convincing)
-the arguments between the two schools are pure competition of the completeness and the abundance of the supportive evidence.
-In this way, the validity of the argument is based on an objective standard which can be examined.
-Therefore, so long as equality is guaranteed, the method mentioned in the statement holds true.

我的习作在这里~求狠批

朋友们看过来~Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3492733

bit_liangUID: 3643530

楼上习作已经点评
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=1#pid1779964333
本人ISSUE94的Outline
ISSUE94
The effectiveness of a country's leaders is best measured by examining the well-being of that country's citizens.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
----------------------------------分隔线------------------------------------------------------------------
TS:
There is no better criteria for assessing leaders' ability than measuring its citizens' health and happiness. Only if people's living level elevate can leaders of the country measured effective and successful. Specifically, the economy and education condition represents most the strength of a country’s leaders. Compared with the happiness of its citizens, military force and control over other countries are less important in judging whether leaders are effective or not.
ts1:
In order to measure capacity of the elites, the first index is the economy. The economy condition of a country represents the living level of its residents.（例子：众所周知，中国近年在国际上地位显著提高，中国经济的崛起说明领导人的effectiveness）
ts2：
As another important element in ordinary life, the development of education can also determine the ability of the leaders. With more developed education, citizens can grow up healthier in terms of psychology. （例子：加拿大作为世界上移民率比较高的国家之一，受教育人口比例最高）
ts3:
Some people argues that the military force and the capacity to control other countries are more appropriate in determining the effectiveness of the leaders of a country. For example, 美国有着强大的军事力量，美国是世界公认的最有领导力的国家。However, the ability to fight other countries are always dependent on the industry basis，but not the effectiveness of the leaders. 比如俄罗斯，由于二战积攒的工业基础很厚实，军事力量很强，但是由于人民生活水平不高，综合国力不强，不能说是领导人的能力很强。
注：最近觉得写提纲的思维有些偏。还请各位同学帮忙，就1+3模型的构建和例子是否合适方面提出宝贵意见，求狠批！

guxinhuiUID: 3459619

bit_liang 发表于 2015-10-1 20:14
楼上习作已经点评
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... age=1#pid1779964333
本人 ...

Sorry I dun get pinyin input, bear with we for using English
My own opinions, open to discussion:
1. By dissecting wellbeing into education and economy, I don't think the depth of the argument improves with the first two body paragraphs.

2. I think the main argument should be focused on what measures the effectiveness? Well-being,, might of military or cultural influences.
So I think first two body paragraphs kinda repetitive and should be combined.

3. By comparing the military arms of U.S and Russia or USSR, I think this body paragraph could be stated in historical point of view.