习作批改专帖

锤先森G330UID: 3603995

今天写了Argument 132
有个逻辑问题差点没看出来
还是得刷刷题库orz....谢谢老师点评

guanjingyuUID: 3585209

老师，因为楼上没有练习所以就没评论了。。。
这里两篇练习是在Magoosh上练套题的时候做的，时间30分钟。我复制出来之后对错字和少部分地方的语法结构做了调整，文章结构和内容未做更改。两篇都是没有提前准备提纲的。
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Issue

Technology, while apparently aimed to simplify our lives, only makes our lives more complicated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

In old times, our life was as simple as cultivating and harvesting on the land. In the past three hundred years, the industrial revolution started the overture of our modern society, which has been massively changed by the development of science and technology. Our living standard has increased a lot since then. In this context, some people hold the opinion that technology actually makes our lives more complicated.However, I think this argument does not hold true in several aspects. Nevertheless, it is true when old people confront new technologies.

First of all, some technologies are not developed to simplify our lives, but to serve other purposes in our society. For example, NASA has been pioneering the exploration of the space for decades. The technologies they use are highly complicated and can only be understood by a small group of scientists. The launch of a rocket requires complicated calculation and rigorous selection of building materials. In this case, the technology is not aimed to simplify our lives, so it does not make sense to say that the technology makes our lives complicated.

For those technologies that are aimed to simplify our lives and succeed in doing so, there are bunch of examples. Take the most commonly used mobile phone as an example. In the past, we need to write a letter to communicate with our families and friends, which generally takes months for the letter to be delivered from one place to another. It is not only time-consuming, but also insecure because the letter may be lost during its trip. However, with the invention of telephone and later efforts of engineers, we now have mobile phones that can communicate with anyone at any time. We can talk to them and we also can text them, which is happened virtually instantly. In addition, the advent of internet has made our access to information much easier. After all, there are numerous examples available to prove how technologies have facilitated our daily lives.

Nevertheless, it does happen that technologies developed to simplify our lives can sometimes cause inconvenience for certain social groups. Take the example of mobile phone again. Many young people are very familiar with the functions of their smart phones, and sometimes they can even utilize their phones to create movies. However, it may be a troublesome task for many old people. My grandpa was confused when he got his new smart phone, because he does not know how to dial a number when there is only a screen without any button. This is true for many other old people. As far as I know, when the technology has developed so fast, many aged men cannot catch up the speed to learn how to use them, which in turn will cause their lives to be complicated when these technologies are ubiquitous.

In conclusion, except those technologies that are not developed to simplify our lives, others are generally beneficial and make our lives easier. Nevertheless, old people may sometimes find it cumbersome to use new technologies.

(505 words in 30 mins) 

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下面是Argument


SuperCorp recently moved its headquarters to Corporateville. The recent surge in the number of homeowners in Corporateville proves that Corporateville is a superior place to live than Middlesburg, the home of SuperCorp's current headquarters. Moreover, Middleburg is a predominately urban area and according to an employee survey, SuperCorp has determined that its workers prefer to live in an area that is not urban. Finally, Corporateville has lower taxes than Middlesburg, making it not only a safer place to work but also a cheaper one. Therefore, SuperCorp clearly made the best decision.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on the assumptions and what the implications are if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

按照要求列出的argument的三个论据

SuperCorp company makes a good decision to move its headquarters from Middlesburg to Corporateville.

— more people tend to live in Corporateville, so C is a bette place to live than M.
— a survey shows the company’s employees prefer to live in non-urban areas.
— C is a safer place to work than M.  

练习：

The argument in regard of the moving plan of SuperCorp is flawed in several aspects. Firstly, it does not provide any information about the cost of moving its headquarters. Secondly, the survey only reveals that their employees prefer to live in non-urban areas but provides no information about where do they prefer to work. Thirdly, the argument provides no evidence to prove that Corporateville is safer place to work than Middlesburg.

Moving headquarters is a big project, which differs from taking a trip to another place. In a normal sense, it will cost a lot to rent or buy a new place to accommodate a company's employees and other equipments. The argument has mentioned that there is an increase in the number of homeowners in Corporateville, which could actually cause a higher local house prices because the demand increases. If so, it may not be cost-efficient to move to Corporateville. Even though the SuperCorp is proved to be a small company and does not require much space, and, according to the argument, Corporateville has lower taxes than Middlesburg, it would still be unconvincing that moving to Corporateville is cheaper because there might be other areas with lower housing costs and taxes.

In terms of the survey that indicates the preference of SuperCorp's employees, it does not provide any valid evidence that their employee will enjoy to work in Corporateville. Firstly, the survey is about where the employees prefer to live instead of working. It is totally possible that people prefer to work in cities, for the convenience cities provide, and live in suburbans, for their serenity. Even though it turns out its employees prefer to work in non-urban areas, Corporateville still may not be the best choice. The increase in the number of residents in Corporateville might discount the serenity in the area and cause its employees feeling unsatisfied.

As regard one of the conclusion in the argument that Corporateville is a safer place to work, it is also unwarranted. There is no information provided about the security environment in Corporateville. Even though we can conjecture that it might be a safe place because there are more people willing to live there, it is still unknown whether Corporateville is more safer than Middlesburg, which is unlikely because Middlesburg is the predominate urban area and possibly have more security resources.

In conclusion, the argument is not convincing based on the information it presents. Further information about the cost of housing and the security environment in Corporateville and other possible areas, and the preference of working places of its employees, is needed to further evaluate the argument.         

(438 words in 30mins)




谢谢老师！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

guanjingyu 发表于 2015-8-25 20:18
老师，因为楼上没有练习所以就没评论了。。。
这里两篇练习是在Magoosh上练套题的时候做的，时间30分钟。我 ...

GRE作文题库是公开的
没有理由不练真题啊

guanjingyuUID: 3585209

tesolchina 发表于 2015-8-25 22:19
GRE作文题库是公开的
没有理由不练真题啊

额。。这个不是题库里面的么，因为我暂时只把高频提的提纲列了，然后以为这个是我没列到的题。。。
但是这个题按照逻辑也是和GRE的题是一个类型的额。。

TalaghUID: 3623477

guanjingyu 发表于 2015-8-25 20:18
老师，因为楼上没有练习所以就没评论了。。。
这里两篇练习是在Magoosh上练套题的时候做的，时间30分钟。我 ...

首先是对前面同学的点评~顺便告诉楼上同学，你楼上同学写了文章的，点蓝色字链接进去应该是

issue
第一段第一句不太对啊，过去的生活也不是种地加收获就能概括的啊。。。即便不说别的，就是游牧民族也是反例啊。既然主论点是生活没变复杂，这一句可以考虑不要了。第二句连用两个转折也有点奇怪，可以考虑把第二个nevertheless改成despite，更加突出论点

第二段第一个分论点我好困惑啊，你到底是想表达变简单还是不简单？如果是想回应题目里面说“目标是变简单”，那么第一段要反驳的观点里面最好也提一下，不然有点莫名其妙。并且到底是什么目的最好也说个具体的，而不是简单的说为了其他目的。逻辑也略奇怪，设计目的不是为了变简单，也不意味着结果不是变复杂啊。。。并且你给的例子就是变复杂。总之可能是我水平不够，不能完全理解。啊，看了你下一段好像有点懂，你是想说，不是为了变简单的科技，可能会变复杂；是为了变简单的科技，确实变简单。那么建议你直接把前者作为主题句好了。

第三段电话的例子挺好，但是对写信的过程描写可以更突出复杂一点，容易丢好像和复杂没啥关系，但是丢了重新写就很复杂。mobile phones that can communicate with anyone at any time这里应该是人作communicate 的主语，which is happened virtually instantly 事情发生不用被动。网络的例子如果只有一句话不展开的话，好像没啥大用。

其实第四段可以考虑最前面写，个人习惯先承认一下，再去反驳某些缺陷，感觉态度更清晰些。最好书面一下，不用grandpa，用grandfather。并且据说GRE最好不要个人的例子，可以考虑泛指。aged men 避免性别歧视，最好用aged people。看完这一段感觉观点或许可以修正一下，说对于会使用的人来说，更简单，对于不会用的人，更复杂。

你居然能半小时写这么多好厉害，我一般400都困难，还错字连篇。

argue
据说现在新G不流行写flawed之类的负评价词了，一般都是说possible之类。这题的写作指导assumption，最好也回应一下。

第二段你写得好凌乱啊，没有主题句啥的，建议学习下王老师的1+3模型。并且三条论据里面没有花费这一条啊，建议还是针对题目里有提到的问题讨论，而不是另想一个。

第三段没看出什么问题

第四段it is still unknown whether Corporateville is more safer than Middlesburg, which is unlikely because Middlesburg is the predominate urban area and possibly have more security resources. 要考虑修改，既然前面一句用的whether，那么后一句的unlike的到底是哪一种可能就比较模糊了。

总之Argue的话，你还是多看看范文，写作方法和思路都有点问题。

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issue 19) Governments should focus on solving the immediate problems of today rather than on trying to solve the anticipated problems of the future.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

The speaker states that government should only concentrate on the impending problems while being regardless about potential problems of future. Granted impending problems ought to be paid superior attention than future problems, the premeditation of potential problems is indispensable, because it will be the immediate problems in the future which is harder to be solved in the future than now.

To begin with, it is indubitable a folly to only concern future problems when the immediate problem is yelling for attention. If the immediate problem is of great urgency, it should be solved at once. For example, when the Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, numerous buildings were destroyed and hundreds of thousands people lost their home. Rescuing the suffering people in New Orleans and reconstructing the city is very pivot that U. S. government should deal with. It is ruthless to put them aside but only care about things that might not even happen.  

Nevertheless, the potential problems should also be concerned in advance, since they might be the immediate problems in the future. Being prepared for them will help to eliminate the damage. Still focusing on the Hurricane Katrina, the disaster proved that the city of New Orleans was vulnerable for the hit of hurricane. If the local government invested more on the dam and required all the residences to leave the city to safer place, the consequence would be different. As a result, it is necessary for government to anticipate possible problems and take some measure in advance.

Moreover, sometimes if the anticipating problems have not been solved in advance, the consequence of it might be more sever and out of control some day. Some countries now are still careless about the process about global warming and refute to take any measure to decrease the carbon output to the air. Only acknowledging that the impact of global warming and raising of sea level only threaten to countries near the sea, they fails to consider the greater and greater damage of it to the ecological diversity which would be harmful for the whole planet. To solve the potential problem before it is too late, government should pay attention to them at the same time.

In conclusion, when immediate problems are urgent, all attention of government should be focus on them, while the potential problems should also be a normal concern of the government.

1。我的时间控制还是总是有问题，所以考虑考场先把开头结尾主题句写完再填充中间内容。其他都写完但有中间段没写完，和中间段最后和结尾没写完那个可能会更严重些呢？
2。开头想背景太费时间，直接转述原题再提出观点的方法有问题吗？
3。如果举国外的例子，结果地名人名之类拼错了很要命吗？所以这种情况下应该考虑写中国的例子还是坚持写美国的例子呢？
4。时间有限的时候，牺牲一点结尾的字数来检查合适吗？
5。每段末尾一定要呼应主题句吗？有时候觉得自己转折回主题句很生硬，除了As a result之外，老师还有什么建议吗？
6。表示因果有什么好的表达呢？我总是result from/in, cause, make, lead来回用，感觉不太高级
7。一个例子前面已经用过了，但是下一个点从另一个角度来分析这样可取吗？

感觉自己问题好多啊，并且好多都和应试策略有关，希望老师不要嫌弃~谢谢老师

因为楼上同学贴了两篇，我也评论了两篇，所以打算也贴两篇，评不评看老师和楼下同学的心情啦~

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Argue17）The following appeared in a memorandum from the manager of WWAC radio station.

To reverse a decline in listener numbers, our owners have decided that WWAC must change from its current rock-music format. The decline has occurred despite population growth in our listening area, but that growth has resulted mainly from people moving here after their retirement. We must make listeners of these new residents. We could switch to a music format tailored to their tastes, but a continuing decline in local sales of recorded music suggests limited interest in music. Instead we should change to a news and talk format, a form of radio that is increasingly popular in our area.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


The manager of WWAC radio station argues that the radio station should change to news and talk format to reverse the decline in listener numbers. The fact that more retried people move to local area, the sales of recorded music keep decreasing and radio program about news and talk becomes popular in their listening area are referred to support the argument. More evidence about these issues should be given to evaluate the argument.

To begin with, evidence showing that attracting new residences in local area is a useful strategy to reverse the decline in audiences is indispensable. The possibility that people who have retried prefer other entertainment, such as watching television, than listening radio, implies that it is futile to meet their taste in order to attract more audiences. Besides, the true reason why the number of listeners is decreasing should be found out. If it the resignation of a famous D. J. leads to such a decline, changing the content of radio program might not help. As a result, information about the new residences and the reason of a listener decline should be known to assess the memo.

In addition, we also need to know whether the interest of music radio program decreases in the area. The decline of local recorded music sales might merely results from a recent popularity of listening music online. Moreover, the depressed local economy can also account for the cutting budgets for recorded music, which actually indicates local people might prefer to listening music free on radio program. The major cause of the decline in local sales of recorded music should be found out to decide a effective solution to the problem of audiences losing.

At last, evidence that audience will increase after the radio program focus on news and talk can be helpful to corroborate the argument. Since this kind of program is popular in local area, there might be a famous program which already interests a large group of listeners, which means it is hard for a similar program to win some audience. Even if some people might turn to the new program, the number of new audience might not be equal to the number of former audience who does not like the change and leaves. A survey about audience’s preference is necessary for assessing the memo.  

In conclusion, without more evidence, we cannot make a reasonable evaluation to the suggestion that WWAC radio program should change from the current rock-music format to a news and talk format in order to increase audiences.

这一篇写完看了老师的范文，写的点几乎是一样的，语言水平却是天差地别，感觉好绝望。
1.这种写作指导里有evidence的需要每一段都不停强调这个字眼吗？以前看老师范文assumption类的话，基本每一段都会提到。
2.我的句型好像有点太单一了，总是写which means/indicates/implys,还有什么表达可以用于前者意味着后者吗？
3. might，possible，possibility，may 之类表可能的又有什么可以换呢？建议老师以后出书，把常用含义可以采用的多种表达也列表加进去~

暂时就这些啦，我真是个话唠，谢谢老师拨冗审阅~

iamjerrywangUID: 2808279

今天开始看老师的GRE作文6分教学博客的帖子，看到最前面的issure 74的题目，于是结合老师的1+3写了一篇。水平很烂，希望老师能多点评指正。再次先谢过！
issure 74: Knowing about the past cannot help people to make important decisions.
There is hot debate about whether the awareness of the past can help people to make correct decisions. Some people believe the history is beneficial to our recent decisions, while others hold the opposite opinion because they think the world is totally different from the past world and is still changing in a rapid way. The experience of our ancestors or even ourselves does not opt for the situation that we are facing with right now. From my prospective, I choose the latter idea to stand by.
Sometimes, it is easy for those, who support the idea that the past helps to list certain examples to indicate the advantages of the history. For instance, the educational institutions like graduate universities usually take the people’s curriculum vitae as a vital reference to evaluate the students’ qualification of admission. However, are the scores of their past examination and the performance records of their early education always the strongest evidence to describe the students’ capability or predict their potential? I seriously do not agree so. Take Albert Einstein as an example, he received awkward transcripts in primary school but ended up with one of the greatest scientists in 20th century, the fact of which proves the limitation of history to help make important decisions for future.
Others, who claim on the contrary, believe that everything is in the tide of change so that the situation for decision-making could be substantially different from the past even when facing the same questions. A common concern is people’s attitude towards marriage and divorce. In the ancient China, women were all raised to be husband-abiding. Even their husbands abused them, they could not request divorce due to the ancient laws and morality. Nevertheless, with the development of civilization, women are much more educated, independent and share much more rights to choose their own lives. Divorce is no longer a scandal for a family as before and women are encouraged to leave from their husbands who don’t respect their wives. On the other hand, job hopping is ubiquitous in today’s society whereas most people stuck in one job for their whole lives in old days. Nowadays, when employees are considering about a new job, the issues they care most is not their loyalty any more but whether the boss is brilliant, the salary is satisfactory or the working environment is pleasure and so on. The employers admire the persons who are willing to seek for more opportunities via changing jobs rather than the ones who surrenders to the career obstacles.
In conclusion, I sincerely agree the statement that the past cannot help to make pivotal/crucial decisions because of the limitation that the past can bring up and the changes that are happening all the time. Even if to some extent the history can be an indicator, supplemental materials or evidences are still necessary to refer to.   

锤先森G330UID: 3603995

今天写了Issue 20
天生高频还得写一写。。。
完全按照考试标准来的，还是超时1分钟。可能字数写的有点多，540个字。考试会写的少一些。

芊荨UID: 3016939

占楼点评前面的习作~
In this day and age, different people hold different views about the standard of choosing fields for college students. Some people agree with the statement that college students should base their choice of a field of study on the availability of jobs in that field. Unfortunately I might disagree with this idea.【unfortunately不太恰当吧】 As far as I am concerned, relying on availability of jobs to choose study fields might reduce the students’ passion of study, and the availability of jobs might change over time. Although some people might say that this statement will lower the unemployment rate of the society, I would argue that it might not have such effect.

To begin with, choosing field by the availability of jobs in that field might have a negative influence on the students’ life, as the students might not like studying the field that has the largest number of available jobs.【这句话有点冗杂，句尾 that has the largest number of available jobs可删去】 To illustrate, with the development of technology, computer science has been the field that need more talents in these years. However, it’s impractical to let a student who loves history and literature while doesn’t have any interest【has no interest】 in computer to study computer science. And this student might find difficulty in studying this major, which will take a lot of time and make him or her feel frustrated and thus have a negative effect on his or her life. Therefore, I disagree with choosing fields by the availability of jobs from this perspective.

Further, the availability of jobs might change over time. Hence, students might have to change their major over time if their choices of major were based on the availability of jobs, which is unavailable. Take the computer science again as an instance. At the beginning of 1990s, the computer science was so flourish that it created many jobs. While serval 【several】 years later, the development of computer science met some difficult and thus the field that had the greatest number of available jobs changed. Therefore, if a student chose computer science as their major at its flourish period, he or she might not find a job when this field experience depression.【a student和their不一致】

Finally, some people might hold the view that students should establish their choice on the availability of jobs in that field as they【it】 can lower the unemployment rate of the society. Nevertheless, I disagree with this statement. From my perspective, the unemployment rate might not decline even if students use this way to choose their major. As I mentioned above, students who choose major in this way might not have much interests in it, which will cause them have difficulty in getting good grades. And a good grade is an essential indicator when employers have to decide whether this student should be hired. 【and放句首不规范】Thus, the number of students who can’t get jobs in a certain field might not decrease if most of the students can’t get a good grade.

To sum up, I would argue that I disagree with the way of choosing fields. Because this way might lower the students interests in studying, and the availability of jobs might change over time. In addition, it might be useless in lowering the unemployment rate of the society.

结构分明，论据很好，建议提高词汇多样性，disagree、from my perspective等词出现太频繁。

===========================下面是我的练习===============================

ISSUE 73. Colleges and universities should require all faculty to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.

正文：
一共用时40分钟左右，限时30分钟时文章框架和第一个论点已写完，正在补充第二个论点。写提纲花了10分钟，需要压缩时间。
限时写作的文章字数明显下降，本文全文386字。
写完才发现这里有the courses they teach，说明只讨论教课的faculty，那么最后一段举例president会不会跑偏了？

According to the claim, all faculty in colleges and universities must work outside the academic world for some time. From my perspective, this recommendation is beneficial in some professions, but unrealistic and even harmful under other circumstances.  

To start with, it is helpful in some areas like mechanical engineering, because a tight connection with industry can not only provide the latest knowledge and needs in that industry, but also help to improve the competence of students when seeking for a job. Professors who also work outside are aware of the advanced technologies utilized in the industry, so students are accessible to the newest development in that field. Also, they are able to learn what the industry need for employers. Therefore they can prepare themselves to meet the requirement, which greatly enhances their competence in the job market.

However, in other fields like mathematics and astronomy, there is no relevant industry existing. So it is unrealistic for the faculty in such professions to work outside. In such majors, the professors make their achievements by theoretical deduction and meticulous validation, which are based on logical and critical thinking and having nothing to do with practical experience or hands-on ability in industry. Therefore, in theoretical professions, the academic world is the whole world for the faculty to work in, and there is no need or way to work outside.

What's more, for some faculty who are responsible for affairs inside the campus as well as teaching courses, working outside may do harm to their work. For example, the president, in charge of the function of the whole campus and blueprinting the future development for the university, must be too busy to spare time and energy to work outside. The requirement for a president to work in a related industry at the same time would occupy his/her attention and energy, and thus adversely affect his/her role as a president of a university. In a word, for faculty in functional departments, this recommendation is harmful and undesirable.

To sum up, whether the suggestion that faculty in universities and colleges must work in the industry should be adopted depends on the fields that the faculty are working on. For engineering majors it is favorable, while for theoretical majors it is unrealistic and useless. Moreover, for faculty in functional departments, it could impair their main duty and responsibility.

geespectiveUID: 3539067

【点评楼上习作】
According to the claim, all faculty in colleges and universities must work outside the academic world for some time. From my perspective, this recommendation is beneficial in some professions, but unrealistic and even harmful under other circumstances.  【主旨句我个人觉得写的不错】

To start with, it is helpful in some areas like mechanical engineering, because a tight connection with industry can not only provide the latest knowledge and needs in that industry, but also help to improve the competence of students when seeking for a job.【主题句我觉得是有点冗长，可以直接写helpful,简写好处，后面再详细写】 Professors who also work outside are aware of the advanced technologies utilized in the industry, so students are accessible to the newest development in that field. Also, they are able to learn what the industry need for employers. Therefore they can prepare themselves to meet the requirement, which greatly enhances their competence in the job market.【后面写的好处都在写faculty的学生了，我觉得最好指代地相对明显一点；而且内容可以用for one thing, for another把两个层次体现出来】

However, in other fields like mathematics and astronomy, there is no relevant industry existing. So it is unrealistic for the faculty in such professions to work outside.【我局的可以把Unrealisitic提前到主题句中，而把no relevant industry exsiting放到后面，这样一方面呼应第一段，另一方面更清楚直接】 In such majors, the professors make their achievements by theoretical deduction and meticulous validation, which are based on logical and critical thinking and having nothing to do with practical experience or hands-on ability in industry. Therefore, in theoretical professions, the academic world is the whole world for the faculty to work in, and there is no need or way to work outside.【后面我觉得写的还挺好的】

What's more, for some faculty who are responsible for affairs inside the campus as well as teaching courses, working outside may do harm to their work. For example, the president, in charge of the function of the whole campus and blueprinting the future development for the university, must be too busy to spare time and energy to work outside. The requirement for a president to work in a related industry at the same time would occupy his/her attention and energy, and thus adversely affect his/her role as a president of a university. In a word, for faculty in functional departments, this recommendation is harmful and undesirable.【这边的例子确实像作者说的有点不妥，其实就稍微换一下就好了】

To sum up, whether the suggestion that faculty in universities and colleges must work in the industry should be adopted depends on the fields that the faculty are working on. For engineering majors it is favorable, while for theoretical majors it is unrealistic and useless. Moreover, for faculty in functional departments, it could impair their main duty and responsibility.

=======================================================================

下面是我的习作：
题目：ARGUMENT: The following appeared in a memorandum from the manager of WWAC radio station.

"To reverse a decline in listener numbers, our owners have decided that WWAC must change from its current rock-music format. The decline has occurred despite population growth in our listening area, but that growth has resulted mainly from people moving here after their retirement. We must make listeners of these new residents. We could switch to a music format tailored to their tastes, but a continuing decline in local sales of recorded music suggests limited interest in music. Instead we should change to a news and talk format, a form of radio that is increasingly popular in our area."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

正文：
The manager argues that WWAC should change its current rock- music format to a news and talk one based on the facts about the decline in the number of listeners, the sales of recorded music, as well as an increasing populartity on news and talks. In order to better evaluate the argument, we need more evidence about the main cause of the decline in the audience for music, the interests of residents, and pros and cons of changing the program.

To begin with, we need to examine more critically about the real reasons for the decrease in the number of music listeners. Maybe, the rock-music program's play list is too out-dated and remains unchange for at least three years in this region, which terribly bores the audience. Also, it is important to look into how people spend their time during the origional broadcast time.  If people, including the elderly, are getting more used to listening to music online or downloading them freely from the Internet, they would probably find the radio less convenient and attractive and stop paying attention. Unless we know more about the exact reasons, we cannot be sure changing format is the good way to solve this problem.

In addition, we need to collect more information about the attitudes of the residents towards music and news, talk programs. The fact that the sales of recorded music is on a decrease does not neccessarily mean there is less interest for music among people, especialy those retired people recently moved in. Perhaps, it is young people aged between 16-25 who usually buy these records,which indicates little relation between the sales records and the interest of old people about rock-music. Also, it is not clear whether the newly-settled old people prefer the news and talks to the rock-music. So more details need to be shared to evaluate the proposal.

Finally, It is true that news and talks are more popular before, but we do not know if the program change could help WWAC to gain popularity again. Maybe there is already a well-established radio station which possesses a group of expertise on broadcasting news and talks, which makes even harder for WWAC to join. Likewise, people may tend to spend more time outdoors exersicing or chatting with friends. In this way, changing programs would be of no use at all. We should have more information to make the judgment.

In conclusion, since the proposal seems to be useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues dicussed above in order to better  evaluate the argument.

【提问：老师，我想知道我这篇习作，在ETS评分中，大概处在什么样的分数段？我6号考G，想问问老师有没有好的建议,在最后的几天里面我应如何复习提升AW? 】

芊荨UID: 3016939

占楼点评楼上习作~
ARGUMENT: The following appeared in a memorandum from the manager of WWAC radio station.

"To reverse a decline in listener numbers, our owners have decided that WWAC must change from its current rock-music format. The decline has occurred despite population growth in our listening area, but that growth has resulted mainly from people moving here after their retirement. We must make listeners of these new residents. We could switch to a music format tailored to their tastes, but a continuing decline in local sales of recorded music suggests limited interest in music. Instead we should change to a news and talk format, a form of radio that is increasingly popular in our area."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

正文：
The manager argues that WWAC should change its current rock- music format to a news and talk one based on the facts about the decline in the number of listeners, the sales of recorded music, as well as an increasing populartity on news and talks. In order to better evaluate the argument, we need more evidence about the main cause of the decline in the audience for music, the interests of residents, and pros and cons of changing the program.【主题句很好】

To begin with, we need to examine more critically about the real reasons for the decrease in the number of music listeners. Maybe, the rock-music program's play list is too out-dated and remains unchange 【unchanged】 for at least three years in this region, which terribly bores the audience. Also, it is important to look into how people spend their time during the origional broadcast time.  If people, including the elderly, are getting more used to listening to music online or downloading them freely from the Internet, they would probably find the radio less convenient and attractive and stop paying attention. Unless we know more about the exact reasons, we cannot be sure changing format is the good way to solve this problem.

In addition, we need to collect more information about the attitudes of the residents towards music and news, talk programs. The fact that the sales of recorded music is on a decrease does not neccessarily mean there is less interest for music among people, especialy those retired people recently moved in. Perhaps, it is young people aged between 16-25 who usually buy these records,which indicates little relation between the sales records and the interest of old people about rock-music. Also, it is not clear whether the newly-settled old people prefer the news and talks to the rock-music. So more details need to be shared to evaluate the proposal.

Finally, It is true that news and talks are more popular before, but we do not know if the program change could help WWAC to gain popularity again. Maybe there is already a well-established radio station which possesses a group of expertise on broadcasting news and talks, which makes even harder for WWAC to join. Likewise, people may tend to spend more time outdoors exersicing or chatting with friends. In this way, changing programs would be of no use at all. We should have more information to make the judgment.

In conclusion, since the proposal seems to be useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues dicussed【typo】 above in order to better  evaluate the argument.
【结构很好，各段落对应清晰，除了个别拼写错误，整体非常好，祝楼上同学考个好成绩！】

=======================下面是我的ISSUE练习============================
ISSUE 110. Critical judgment of work in any given field has little value unless it comes from someone who is an expert in that field.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

The speaker claims that in any given filed only experts’ assessment of work is helpful, while I can hardly agree. Some people support this claim may point out that amateurs, who are just accessible to superficial knowledge in certain field, can never give influential appraise. Admittedly, in some field, amateurs cannot hold a comprehensive understanding of the subject, so that only experts’ judgment is constructive. However, in other fields that depend largely on the market, the amateurs’ opinions can be very crucial.

Critical judgment from general people is of little value in academic fields like theoretical physics, astronomy and mathematics. In such fields, people need years of investigation and accumulation to achieve a thorough comprehension on that subject. A beginner is not familiar with the field enough to understand the intrinsic meaning of a certain work, especially a profound one, and thus could give inappropriate or even absurd assessment. So, judgment of certain work in such professional fields is reliable only if it is from an expert.

Nevertheless, things are totally different in market related fields. Public’s evaluation could be of great importance even if they are not expertise in that field, since the public’s opinion dominates the popularity and sales in the market. Take popular music for example. The main customers of popular music are general people, who are not professional in music. They choose music to listen based on their own appetite of beats and voice, regardless of professional technics or aesthetical evaluation from musicians. If the public’s preference contradicts with the experts’ assessment, which one should popular music company comply with? Generally the public’s preference wins, because the popularity among general people, instead of experts, determines the sales of popular songs.

What’s more, under some circumstances, the amateurs’ appraise is the only effective factor to take account. With the widely usage of smart phones, thousands of applications for various intentions on smart phones are developed and updated every day. They are designed to meet people’s daily needs, and updated frequently to better satisfy customers. In this case, general people know little about the development of applications or programing codes to realize certain functions, but their judgment of applications is the only standard that application developers’ reference source.

To sum up, it depends whether we could only rely on experts’ judgment and neglect nonexperts’ opinion. In academic fields evaluation from experts is the only reliable reference, because people need accumulation to fully grasp the gist in that field, which makes it hard, if not impossible, for beginners to give an accountable appraise. Yet in industrial fields, the amateurs’ preference determines the popularity of the products in the market. Therefore judgment from amateurs, instead of experts, provides a valuable reference in such fields.

EZ0928UID: 3454654

ISSUE 110.
Critical judgment of work in any given field has little value unless it comes from someone who is an expert in that field.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
---
The speaker claims that in any given filed only experts’ assessment of work is helpful, while I can hardly agree. Some people support this claim may point out that amateurs, who are just accessible to superficial knowledge in certain field, can never give influential appraise. Admittedly, in some field, amateurs cannot hold a comprehensive understanding of the subject, so that only experts’ judgment is constructive. However, in other fields that depend largely on the market, the amateurs’ opinions can be very crucial.

Critical judgment from general people is of little value in academic fields like theoretical physics, astronomy and mathematics. [觉得主题句可以在general一点，具体例子可以放到后面内文，可以先说是some academic fields，之后內文再提到theoretical physics, astronomy and mathematics] In such fields, people need years of investigation and accumulation to achieve a thorough comprehension on that subject. A beginner is not familiar with the field enough to understand the intrinsic meaning of a certain work, especially a profound one, and thus could give inappropriate or even absurd assessment. 　So, judgment of certain work in such professional fields is reliable only if it is from an expert.

Nevertheless, things are totally different in market related fields. Public’s evaluation could be of great importance even if they are not expertise in that field, since the public’s opinion dominates the popularity and sales in the market. Take popular music for example. [Take myself for example, SVO. Take myself as an example.]The main customers of popular music are general people, who are not professional in music. They choose music to listen based on their own appetite of beats and voice, regardless of professional technics or aesthetical evaluation from musicians. If the public’s preference contradicts with the experts’ assessment, which one should popular music company comply with? Generally the public’s preference wins, because the popularity among general people, instead of experts, determines the sales of popular songs. [convincing]

What’s more, under some circumstances, the amateurs’ appraise is the only effective factor to take account. With the widely usage of smart phones, thousands of applications for various intentions on smart phones are developed and updated every day. They are designed to meet people’s daily needs, and updated frequently to better satisfy customers. In this case, general people know little about the development of applications or programming codes to realize certain functions, but their judgment of applications is the only standard that application developers’ reference source. [最后一句话用only感觉有点太武断，建议可以改成 a major source of advises for the application designers，内容上OK]

To sum up, it depends whether we could only rely on experts’ judgment and neglect nonexperts’ opinion. In academic fields evaluation from experts is the only reliable reference, because people need accumulation to fully grasp the gist in that field, which makes it hard, if not impossible, for beginners to give an accountable appraise. Yet in industrial fields, the amateurs’ preference determines the popularity of the products in the market. Therefore judgment from amateurs, instead of experts, provides a valuable reference in such fields. [很好，有总结到全文]
--- --- ---

Argument #48
The following appeared in a magazine article about planning for retirement.

"Clearview should be a top choice for anyone seeking a place to retire, because it has spectacular natural beauty and a consistent climate. Another advantage is that housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and taxes remain lower than those in neighboring towns. Moreover, Clearview's mayor promises many new programs to improve schools, streets, and public services. And best of all, retirees in Clearview can also expect excellent health care as they grow older, since the number of physicians in the area is far greater than the national average."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
---

The author of the magazine article argues that Clearview is a priority place for people who want to retire because of the beautiful nature, the temporal climate, lower housing costs and taxes, the mayor's promises, and outstanding health care. To assess the argument, we need to collect more information about whether the natural beauty and consistent climate are suitable for the retirees, what the exact number of the housing cost and taxes are, whether the mayor will keep the promise, and whether everyone can get a good health care at the city.

To begin with, we need more information about whether the environment in the Clearview is appropriate to everyone who wants to retire. That is to say, the article needs to put more information about the environment because people have their own definition of "natural beauty" and " a consistent climate." For example, some people may enjoy the tranquil atmosphere in mountains with a lower average temperature like 18 degree Celsius, so their ideal place for retiring may be located at higher altitude and latitude. However, some may enjoy living near ocean with a hot weather, so they may choose to live on an island in the Pacific Ocean. According, since people have their own preferences, the article should provide more information about the beauty and climate, so they can decide whether Clearview is a good place for their retiring lives.

Besides, more evident about the exact number of the housing cost and taxes is needed in the article. To be more specific, it is too general to say that the housing costs or taxes drop significantly or remain lower than other towns, in that people have their own definitions about lower prices. For instance, a man, working in a convenience store, with a low salary, 600USD per month, may not be able to pay one million dollar for buying a house since it is too over to his salary; on the other hand, another man, working in an international company, as a manager, may have the ability to buy this house easily since he may think a million dollar is not "expensive" at all. As a result, an exact number of the costs and taxes should be provided and, therefore, we can see whether the place, Clearview, is certainly considerable place for retiring, for different situation.

Whether the mayor will keep the promise is also a crucial question we need to discuss. Nowadays, a number of political slogans emerge every corner in the world. Therefore, we need to make sure whether or not the mayor's word is just a "political slogan." To ask this question, the article needs to offer more information about the mayor like does s/he has any scandal, what is his/her party, how does his/her performance as a mayor, or surveys about him/her from the Clearview citizens. According to the information, we can know whether we can believe the mayor’s word and evaluate whether this place is reasonable for retirement.

Finally, we need to ask whether everyone can get a good health care at Clearview. Although the article mentions that the number of physicians in Clearview is over the national average, still we need more information about the population in the city. What if the city population is also far larger than the national average? Maybe, the ratio of the city population to the number of physicians is also greater than the national average, and, in this case, the answer for the previous question may be opposed. Similarly, without the information, namely the exact number of the population, their average age, and their healthy conditions, it cannot be promised that people will obtain excellent health care if they choose it for retirement.

All in all, information about Clearview as discussed above has to be collected to decide whether the argument is convincing or not.
---

第一次写Argument，有看过王老师讲解跟老师的范文了，不知道这样写何不何GRE考试的要求。

另外，老师的intro段都蛮短的，不知道该写长还是短比较适合，我自己在时间内大概400字，所以想说是不是intro段可以省略一些时间下来，给内文去做发展。

yswhynotUID: 3587542

其实刚刚开始着手准备GRE，所以提的建议不知道合不合理，就参考一下哈~
先是点评上面同学issue，因为argument还没开始研究所以不敢妄评哈：
ISSUE 110. Critical judgment of work in any given field has little value unless it comes from someone who is an expert in that field.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

The speaker claims that in any given filed only experts’ assessment of work is helpful, while I can hardly agree.(应该说partially agree吧 后面来看其实是不完全同意 这里直接否定不太多吧……) Some people support this claim may point out that amateurs, who are just accessible to superficial knowledge in certain field, can never give influential appraise. Admittedly, in some field, amateurs cannot hold a comprehensive understanding of the subject, so that only experts’ judgment is constructive. However, in other fields that depend largely on the market, the amateurs’ opinions can be very crucial.

Critical judgment from general people is of little value in academic fields like theoretical physics, astronomy and mathematics. In such fields, people need years of investigation and accumulation to achieve a thorough comprehension on that subject. A beginner is not familiar with the field enough to understand the intrinsic meaning of a certain work(不可数去掉a或者加piece), especially a profound one, and thus could give inappropriate or even absurd assessment. So, judgment of certain work in such professional fields is reliable only if it is from an expert. (论点还挺明确的哈~)

Nevertheless, things are totally different in market related fields.(其实感觉在academic writing里面是不是应该避免这种类似totally一类的特别绝对的词O_O) Public’s evaluation could be of great importance even if they are not expertise in that field, since the public’s opinion dominates the popularity and sales in the market. Take popular music for example. The main customers of popular music are general people, who are not professional in music. They choose music to listen based on their own appetite of beats and voice(感觉这句话怪怪的 是不是应该写类似their choices of music are based on...), regardless of professional technics(techniques) or aesthetical(aesthetic) evaluation from musicians. If the public’s preference contradicts with the experts’ assessment, which one should popular music company comply with? Generally the public’s preference wins, because the popularity among general people, instead of experts, determines the sales of popular songs.

What’s more(记得中学的时候老是提过What's more好像很口语 可以考虑改成Moreover?), under some circumstances, the amateurs’ appraise is the only effective factor to take account. With the widely usage of smart phones, thousands of applications for various intentions on smart phones are developed and updated every day. They are designed to meet people’s daily needs, and updated frequently to better satisfy customers. In this case, general people know little about the development of applications or programming codes to realize certain functions, but their judgment of applications is the only standard that(as? for? 感觉这句话有一点不太通的样子> <) application developers’ reference source.

To sum up, it depends whether we could only rely on experts’ judgment and neglect nonexperts’ opinion. In academic fields evaluation from experts is the only reliable reference, because people need accumulation to fully grasp the gist in that field, which makes it hard, if not impossible, for beginners to give an accountable appraise. Yet in industrial fields, the amateurs’ preference determines the popularity of the products in the market. Therefore judgment from amateurs, instead of experts, provides a valuable reference in such fields.
感觉逻辑挺好的呢~不过个人感觉最后一个论点其实有点牵强 因为什么领域都很难说是完全依赖于amateur的意见 毕竟手机厂商还是要考虑技术问题的 如果critical一点就是其实感觉任何领域都不能完全依赖于任何特定的人或特定的人群 //只是参考建议哈

==================我是华丽的分割线~====================
啊表示刚开始准备GRE 第一篇Issue选了个看起来不太难的写写看 可能还没有积攒足够的例子难免有点空洞 不过还是希望点评指导 也给今后的写作练习一些指导性建议~ 谢谢各位啦！
按照楼主老师的要求论点加粗：
/* Issue Practice: 1
Issue 114: "Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity."
Date: 4 Sep 2015 */
The speaker's claim above states that humanity does not improve with the development of technological innovations, because of the fact that war, violence, and poverty are still existing in the current society. It is true that those negative issues are still with us in some regions of the world, but this cannot deny the fact that technology is improving the condition of humanity as a whole.
As of some regional level, war, violence, and poverty still exist and technology does not improve the conditions, or may make the condition even worse. Take the war in Israel and Pakistan as an example, modern technology helps develop more powerful weapons and the victims suffer much more compared with those in the old ages when people were not experts in chemical and mechanical technologies. Moreover, the development in genetic modified crop greatly increase the crop production in the world, but there are millions of people in poor areas in Africa do not have access to enough food.
However, when evaluating the human race as a whole, it is true that technological innovations do improve the condition of humanity. Take the same example of the genetic modified crop in the previous discussion, new technology in biochemical and agriculture greatly increase the production of crops. It broadens the growing area of corn and wheat to places with more severe weather conditions by adding specific genes to the crops, creating jobs for local people and bringing farmers out of poverty, and therefore improving the living conditions of millions of people.
The development of modern technologies also reduce wars in general. Biochemical technology as mentioned above, as well as other innovations like cars and cellphones, improve our living conditions and make our life better. In the process of human civilization, wars are generally caused by conquers' dissatisfaction of their current status, and intentions of plundering resources and valuables from other parts of the world. When people's living standards are improved, they may be more satisfied with their current situation and less likely to raise wars and invade other nations, thus change the condition of humanity.
Generally speaking, there are wars, violence, and poverty in some parts of the world, where people still living in tough situations even in modern society. However, technological innovations are benefiting human and changing the conditions of humanity in a general extent. With technological development, increasing number of people will benefit from innovations and no longer suffer from wars, violence, and poverty.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

yswhynot 发表于 2015-9-5 11:34
其实刚刚开始着手准备GRE，所以提的建议不知道合不合理，就参考一下哈~
先是点评上面同学issue，因为argum ...

楼主写的不是真题啊

yswhynotUID: 3587542

tesolchina 发表于 2015-9-5 14:21
楼主写的不是真题啊

啊真的么……我去确认下的
不过题材应该都是差不多的吧 还麻烦老师帮忙看看啦

芊荨UID: 3016939

谢谢楼上两位同学的点评！点到很多我没注意到的问题，十分感谢~下面是我评两位同学的~

先点评EZ0928同学的习作~

Argument #48
The following appeared in a magazine article about planning for retirement.

"Clearview should be a top choice for anyone seeking a place to retire, because it has spectacular natural beauty and a consistent climate. Another advantage is that housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and taxes remain lower than those in neighboring towns. Moreover, Clearview's mayor promises many new programs to improve schools, streets, and public services. And best of all, retirees in Clearview can also expect excellent health care as they grow older, since the number of physicians in the area is far greater than the national average."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
---

The author of the magazine article argues that Clearview is a priority place for people who want to retire 【用who are going to retire似乎更合适】because of the beautiful nature, the temporal climate, lower housing costs and taxes, the mayor's promises, and outstanding health care. To assess the argument, we need to collect more information about whether the natural beauty and consistent climate are suitable for the retirees, what the exact number of the housing cost and taxes are, whether the mayor will keep the promise, and whether everyone can get a good health care at the city.【主题句很好】

To begin with, we need more information about whether the environment in the Clearview is appropriate to everyone who wants to retire. That is to say, the article needs to put more information about the environment because people have their own definition of "natural beauty" and " a consistent climate." For example, some people may enjoy the tranquil atmosphere in mountains with a lower average temperature like 18 degree Celsius, so their ideal place for retiring may be located at higher altitude and latitude. However, some may enjoy living near ocean with a hot weather, so they may choose to live on an island in the Pacific Ocean. According, since people have their own preferences, the article should provide more information about the beauty and climate, so they can decide whether Clearview is a good place for their retiring lives.【很好】

Besides, more evident about the exact number of the housing cost and taxes is needed in the article. To be more specific, it is too general to say that the housing costs or taxes drop significantly or remain lower than other towns, in that people have their own definitions about lower prices. For instance, a man, working in a convenience store, with a low salary, 600USD per month, may not be able to pay one million dollar for buying a house since it is too over to his salary;【too over to...用法存疑】 on the other hand, another man, working in an international company, as a manager, may have the ability to buy this house easily since he may think a million dollar is not "expensive" at all. As a result, an exact number of the costs and taxes should be provided and, therefore, we can see whether the place, Clearview, is certainly 【a】considerable place for retiring, for different situation.【很好】

Whether the mayor will keep the promise is also a crucial question we need to discuss. Nowadays, a number of political slogans emerge every corner in the world. Therefore, we need to make sure whether or not the mayor's word is just a "political slogan." To ask this question, the article needs to offer more information about the mayor like does s/he has any scandal, what is his/her party, how does his/her performance as a mayor, or surveys about him/her from the Clearview citizens.【这句话说服力不是很强。其他可能性可能是mayor为了民意支持率故意这么说，但实际上连方案都没有，并不打算keep the promise；也可能方案还没实施mayor任期结束，因此计划搁浅；总之promise实现的可能性存疑。作者需要提供已出台的具体的政策支持这个promise，以及更多关于mayor任期的信息。】 According to the information, we can know whether we can believe the mayor’s word and evaluate whether this place is reasonable for retirement.

Finally, we need to ask whether everyone can get a good health care at Clearview. Although the article mentions that the number of physicians in Clearview is over the national average, still we need more information about the population in the city. What if the city population is also far larger than the national average? Maybe, 【不要逗号】the ratio of the city population to the number of physicians is also greater than the national average, and, in this case, the answer for the previous question may be opposed【 the previous question是what if...不能用opposed回答吧】. Similarly, without the information, namely the exact number of the population, their average age, and their healthy conditions, 【their指代不明】it cannot be promised that people will obtain excellent health care if they choose it for retirement.【很好】

All in all, information about Clearview as discussed above has to be collected to decide whether the argument is convincing or not.【最后一段略显单薄，建议综述上文提到的evidence】

【各个点都攻击到了，例子也举得很好。只是有一个共性问题，instruction中要求explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument，这一点没有体现出来。】

=========================yswhynot同学的ISSUE~==============================

Issue 114: "Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity."
Date: 4 Sep 2015 */
The speaker's claim above states that humanity does not improve with the development of technological innovations, because of the fact that war, violence, and poverty are still existing in the current society. It is true that those negative issues are still with us in some regions of the world, but this cannot deny the fact that technology is improving the condition of humanity as a whole.【TP很好】
As of some regional level,【as of+时间，这里应该用as for吧】 war, violence, and poverty still exist and technology does not improve the conditions, or may make the condition even worse. Take the war in Israel and Pakistan as an example, 【句号】modern technology helps develop more powerful weapons and the victims suffer much more compared with those in the old ages when people were not experts in chemical and mechanical technologies. Moreover, the development in genetic modified crop greatly increase the crop production in the world, but there are millions of people in poor areas in Africa do not have access to enough food.
However, when evaluating the human race as a whole, it is true that technological innovations do improve the condition of humanity. Take the same example of the genetic modified crop in the previous discussion, new technology in biochemical and agriculture greatly increase the production of crops.【这句话是不是有语法错误呀我不太确定，两个完整的句子之间只有逗号没有连接词】 It broadens the growing area of corn and wheat to places with more severe weather conditions by adding specific genes to the crops, creating jobs for local people【创造就业机会和转基因作物的关系不是很清晰，建议补充具体，或者删掉】  and bringing farmers out of poverty, and therefore improving the living conditions of millions of people.
The development of modern technologies also reduce wars in general. Biochemical technology as mentioned above, as well as other innovations like cars and cellphones, improve our living conditions and make our life better. In the process of human civilization, wars are generally caused by conquers' dissatisfaction of their current status, and intentions of plundering resources and valuables from other parts of the world. When people's living standards are improved, they may be more satisfied with their current situation and less likely to raise wars and invade other nations, thus change the condition of humanity.【很好】
Generally speaking, there are wars, violence, and poverty in some parts of the world, where people still living【live】 in tough situations even in modern society. However, technological innovations are benefiting human and changing the conditions of humanity in a general extent. With technological development, increasing number of people will benefit from innovations and no longer suffer from wars, violence, and poverty.
全文是让步-转折1-转折2的结构，转折后提到technology减少了poverty和war，只是没有提violence，我觉得可以从科技创新（监控系统）让人们的大部分暴力行为曝光在大众面前，并及时得到惩罚，从而减少了暴力（校园暴力、家庭暴力）这方面讲，仅供参考哈~

我想了两个思路，希望跟大家讨论一下~首先想确定下 condition of humanity应该怎么理解，是按照题目中的war,violence, poverty呢，还是可以自己引申讲人性之类的？

1、Technology can change and improve the condition of humanity.
分别从直接影响和间接影响两方面考虑科技创新对war,violence, poverty的抑制，以及对the condition of humanity的提高。
1.1让步  世界上还存在war,violence, poverty，还有人的condition很不好。虽然科技发展日新月异，但对这些人的生活似乎并没有提高，他们还是在水深火热中苦苦挣扎。
1.2转折1  虽然有部分人仍然经受痛苦，但不能否认科技创新对整个人类生活状况的直接提升。第一，减少了战争。核武器导弹等高端武器的制造起一定的震慑作用，使国家之间不敢轻易发动战争，因为这种武器会在大范围内造成巨大的破坏力，死伤无数，因此人们不敢轻举妄动。第二，减少暴力。第二，减少暴力。科技创新（监控系统）让人们的大部分暴力行为曝光在大众面前，并及时得到惩罚，从而减少了暴力。第三，减少贫困。科技促使产生大量新的需求，从而创造新的就业机会。IT。
1.3转折2  间接的提升。第一，科技使得国与国之间沟通更便捷，减少了误会和矛盾。第二，教化作用。新媒体宣扬真善美，让人们思想进步开明，从而减少暴力。第三，科技进步使得教育成本十分低廉，互联网免费教育到处都是，教育使人脱贫啊。

2.Technology can change and deteriorate the condition of humanity.这样会不会跑题？？？
2.1 科技让战争更加危险，杀伤力更大。原子弹
2.2 科技让暴力更加肆无忌惮。网络暴力。
2.3 科技为精明的金融家提供更有利可图的金融杠杆模型，从普通金融市场参与者手中攫取利益，让穷人更穷。

这两个相比，我觉得第2个立意更好些，如果没有跑题的话。。。只是不太好展开。我写AW一个很大的问题就是没什么话说。一句话把事儿说明白了接下来就不知道该写什么，所以就是对着提纲边写作文边思考下一句写啥，时间不够用，字数一般凑不齐400。大家有什么建议吗？下面这篇ISSUE也是这样的问题，30分钟内只写了300字左右，文章只有框架没有内容。后来是基本是车轱辘话来回说才凑到四百多。。。


===========================下面是我的练习=========================
ISSUE 81. All parents should be required to volunteer time to their children's schools.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

Children are the future of the nation. How children are educated determines the future development of the whole country. So, topics about children's education have always been drawing people's attention. There is a recommendation saying that parents should volunteer time to children's schools, which has been widely supported on the internet. From my perspective, it is inappropriate to completely approve this suggestion, and we should analyze from different aspects according to the period children are in.

To start with, it is beneficial when children are in primary schools. For children, they just leave home, where they feel comfortable and secure, and come to a strange place. Some of them may be terrified at the beginning and could not adapt to new surroudings. If parents occiasionallyoccasionally attend activities in schools together with them, children would be greatly comforted and quickly get familiar with new places. Also, it is a good chance for parents to stay with children and enjoy the precious parents-children time. What's more, it would weight off the schools' shoulders since parents come to take care of children and children would be be better behaved in front of their parents.

Secondly, it is also helpful when children come to high schools. In this period, childrens tend to behave against parents' or schools' guide, like truancetruancy or fight with others, as many teenagers do. Besides, childrens are facing to a crucial issue in their life: college entrance, which is the prerequisite for an easy life for most people. Children may be too young to realize it, while parents should try to pull them back to the right track by paying attention to their phycologicalpsychological state and interfering if needed. Attending schools' activities would be a perfect opportunity to communicate with teachers and learn more about their children’s performance. Then according measures could be taken to lead the children through various problems they may meet smoothly.

However, things change when children enter universities. University students usually come from different places around the whole country. It is unrealistic for all parents to attend activities, considering the long journey and expenditure. Moreover, most university students are grown-ups, learning to be independent and fully responsible for their behaviors. If parents interfere too much on children’s affairs in the university, children may never truly learn how to deal with their own problems without parents’ help. Also, it would hurt their self-esteem if their identities in the university university are their parents' children, instead of independent adults.

To sum up, whether parents should be required to volunteer time to children's schools deepens on schools that children are taking. For primary and high schools, children, parents and schools would benefit from this recommendation. Yet for university students, it would be neither realistic nor helpful.