习作批改专帖

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

本专帖已锁，发习作请直接回复6分博客。初次练习的同学请选择以下几道题：
issue 15/113/152  
argument 85/131/177  


前段时间的点评做得比较细致，针对很多文章每句话都有内容和语言方面的点评。这样虽然收集到了不少数据，但是并不是长久之计。我未来几个月的精力都会集中在完成我的博士论文及编写GRE作文书。所以，每天能看的习作有限。在这里新开一个帖子点评大家的习作。在回帖发作文之前，请务必注意以下几点：
1）写作前一定要认真阅读我的博客，学习1+3模型。博客里的issue和argument各有三个入门帖是必读的。如果你发的习作不是用的1+3模型，你的习作可能会被忽略；如果没有按照题目的写作要求来写，你的作文还会被鄙视。
2）建议初学者先从比较简单的教育类issue和高频argument入手，先看我的范文或提纲，按照我的思路来仿写。逐步过渡到独立立论和写作。
3）博客里有10位我指导过的同学拿到4-4.5分的经验，建议大家看看他们的总结以及他们在论坛上的习作。
4）练习写作要自己多思考、多反省、多总结。

具体发习作的要求：

* 回帖发习作前，先占楼点评楼上同学的习作。
1）在回帖中抄录完整的题目及自己的练习全文或英文提纲。
2）正文中以黑体字强调主旨句里的三个point和主题句里相呼应的point。
3）讨论自己的习作和我的博客里的相关范文或提纲的差别并提出具体问题。 你提的问题越具体，我能给你的意见也越有针对性。
4）发全文之前自己检查确保没有低级错误，如语法、拼写等。
我的反馈和同学间反馈：
原则上我希望每篇反馈只用3-5分钟时间，也就是说我只会关注你的整体结构、思路是否合理以及例子是否靠谱。如果语言有比较大的问题，我会提醒一下，但不会逐个问题指出。另外，发习作前先占楼点评一下楼上的习作。这样即使我没时间点评也可以收到一些同学的反馈。我的反馈会通过编辑你的回复帖提供，楼下的同学也会给一些意见。

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

Issue 104) To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

想成为一名有效力的领导则,政府官员必须坚守最高的伦理和道德标准。

将题目分为三个层面讨论，领导者由于其职能本身容易为权利腐蚀、领导者行为的带头效应以及道德丑闻可能导致的后果，提纲和老师列出的基本相一致。

I fundamentally agree with the statement since being a leader entails extraordinary level of duty and obligation, let alone one wants to accomplish his tasks effectively. In this regard, a public official should adhere to the highest ethical and moral standards firmly concerning the nature of the authoritative position he holds, the influence s/he may impose on others and a better implementation of and compliance to the rules he sets.

Public official by its very nature is susceptible to corruption. As the authority, the official is depended to allocate the resources wisely and assign different tasks to the capable people. It is quite obvious that they are always overwhelmed by power or money involved in their job. By giving in to temptation they faced little by little, they will eventually corrupt. As the Rome is not built overnight, the notorious leader Hitler was not an egregious violator of humanity from the very beginning. It is reasonable to conjecture that once he made the bitter decision to kill innocent people out of frustration, the next time he might not even hesitate about killing more in order to  effectively accomplish his mission. If this is true, then public figures should make a more strict and demanding norm for himself so that similar tragedy can be avoided.

The leading position a public role secures also make those he governs disposed to follow the way he speaks and behaves. Human beings are naturally gregarious and find it appealing to come after the more successful one or those have a higher social status, in this case, the officials. How will people respond to the fact that some officials have habitually been visiting upscale restaurants that serve the dishes made from endangered animals. They possibly conclude that those dishes must be delicious and eating them represents a high-rank style of life, thus decide to follow suit. In this way, public leaders are serving as bad models. They should have thought twice then stop doing this.

Furthermore, once the official fails to abide by the rules that everyone is supposed to obey, he may find it very hard to make up for the lost reputation and trust. After the revealing of the extra-marital love affair between President Bill Clinton and the White House employee Monica Lewinsky as well as the fact that Clinton lied to the public, American citizens were constantly skeptical if the president had told more lies before. The trust upon the president once got lost and was lost forever. If the nationals no longer trust what the president said, then they are less likely to believe that any subsequent order from him is really made for the sake of the constituency or even the country. This is the last thing a leader want to see. Perhaps the best way to prevent this result is by sticking strictly to the moral and ethical rules in the first place.

To sum up, the behavior and word of public officials have more influence than are expected by themselves. In order not to repeat the career failures the predecessors made, they should pay a significant respect towards the rules and norms that are made and apply to everyone and try the best to conform to applicable laws and regulations.

这一大类里的第一篇练习，每段都尝试了一个例子。在整段的论述中，例子是不是应注意控制长度，并用两三句话归纳论证或讲道理，尺度的拿捏还不是很清楚。

-------------------------------------------------------分割线-----------------------------------------------

I fundamentally agree with the statement since being a leader entails extraordinary level of duty and obligation, let alone one wants to accomplish his tasks effectively. In this regard, a public official should adhere to the highest ethical and moral standards firmly due to the considerations over the nature of the authoritative position he holds, the influence s/he may impose on others and implementation of and compliance to the rules he sets.

用consideration来限定，比原本的concerning意义更明确了一些。

Public official by its very nature is susceptible to corruption if not subject to a high level of legal or moral standard. As the authority, the official is depended to allocate the resources wisely and assign different tasks to the capable people. It is quite obvious that they are always overwhelmed by power or money involved in their job. Without being constrained by a strict regulation, they will eventually corrupt by giving in to temptation they faced little by little. As the Rome is not built overnight, the notorious leader Hitler was not an egregious violator of humanity from the very beginning. He challenged the deals made between the European countries discreetly in the inception stage, which eventually evolved into a brazenly destruction to the long-established civility and fairness. Given this concern, public figure should make a more strict and demanding norm for himself so that similar tragedy can be avoided.

中间第一段的论述原本没有围绕关键词展开，重新作了整理，重复关键字的同义词点题。

The leading position a public role secures also make those he governs disposed to follow the way he speaks and behaves, thus the leader should make the effort to as a role model for them. Human beings are naturally gregarious and find it appealing to come after the more successful one or those have a higher social status, in this case, the officials. How will people respond to the fact that some officials have habitually been visiting upscale restaurants that serve the dishes made from endangered animals. They possibly conclude that those dishes must be delicious and eating them represents a high-rank style of life, thus decide to follow suit. In this way, public leaders are serving as bad models. They should have thought twice then stop doing this.

Furthermore, the effective implementation of and compliance to the rules an official made also entail a respectable manner and behavior. Once the official fails to abide by the rules that everyone is supposed to obey, he may find it very hard to make up for the lost reputation and trust. After the revealing of the extra-marital love affair between President Bill Clinton and the White House employee Monica Lewinsky as well as the fact that Clinton lied to the public, American citizens were constantly skeptical if the president had told more lies before. The trust upon the president once got lost and was lost forever. If the nationals no longer trust what the president said, then they are less likely to believe that any subsequent order from him is really made for the sake of the constituency or even the country. This is the last thing a leader want to see. Perhaps the best way to prevent this result is by sticking strictly to the moral and ethical rules in the first place.

中间后两段的主题句没有点题回应态度，均作了重新调整。

To sum up, the behavior and word of public officials have more influence than are expected by themselves. In order not to repeat the career failures the predecessors made, they should pay a significant respect towards the rules and norms that are made and apply to everyone and try the best to conform to applicable laws and regulations.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-19 10:12
Issue 104) To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral  ...

我的点评被删了么？ 汗

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

tesolchina 发表于 2015-8-19 16:28
我的点评被删了么？ 汗

我没有。。  不过我一直在觉得老师批改的时候我刚好也在做修改，不知道系统是不是就混乱了。

难得沉默vUID: 3596023

Issue 62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

Whether the statement that leaders are created by demands that are placed on them hold true or not depends on the specific contexts . In most scenarios, people become leaders relying on their own capabilities and conditions, such as organization skills and professional qualifications and extensive experiences, not demands which are placed on them. Nevertheless, in certain exceptional circumstances, usually in emergencies, ordinary people may become leaders in response to the demands.  
文章主旨，包括两个分论点。

Without being created by demands for leadership, people often become leaders by demonstrating strong organization skills which are important for dealing with situations in which they have to lead others to solve problems. In the field of basketball sports, for example, the excellent players have to organize other members of their teams about what measures they would take to acquire the success in a competition in order to take up leadership positions such as captains. They also need to demonstrate their willingness to listen to other members of the team and understand their ideas and concerns in order to organize their teams better. Such strong organization skills would enable them to become leaders in their teams and help their teams succeed.
分论点1-组织能力

In addition to organization skills, leaders also have to receive relevant training to acquire the professional qualifications and expertise that are necessary for the leadership positions. Referring to the examples of leaders in magazine companies, it is clear that anyone interested in becoming the chair editors, in addition to holding a bachelor degree in relevant fields, have edited influential magazines and accumulated extensive working experiences. Only having these qualifications and experiences, the person will be able to get the job as the leader. In other words, taking the leadership roles in an institution does not necessarily relate to the demands for leadership.  
分论点1-资格与经验

On the other hand, there are exceptional circumstances in which ordinary people may become leaders in response to demands. For example, when the earthquake hit Sichuan Province in China, the local survivals were responsible for guarding the rescue legions to the disaster areas in order to save many injured people. They never took the training about how to guide someone to save others, but in the disaster, they became leaders because of the demands which are placed on them.
分论点2-需要决定领导权

In conclusion, in most scenarios, leaders are not created by demands but selected based on the candidates’ organization skills, qualifications and experiences. Nevertheless, under exceptional circumstances, ordinary people may become leaders in response to the demands for leadership.  
总结全文，呼应首段主题

这篇文章基本是按照老师范文稍作修改的，第一次练习Issue，思路有点放不开，总举不出合适的例子，字数较少

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-08-19 17:05


我没有。。  不过我一直在觉得老师批改的时候我刚好也在做修改，不知道系统是不是就混乱了。

等夜深人静的时候我再看吧 汗

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-19 10:12
Issue 104) To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral  ...

Issue 104) To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

想成为一名有效力的领导则,政府官员必须坚守最高的伦理和道德标准。

将题目分为三个层面讨论，领导者由于其职能本身容易为权利腐蚀、领导者行为的带头效应以及道德丑闻可能导致的后果，提纲和老师列出的基本相一致。

I fundamentally agree with the statement since being a leader entails extraordinary level of duty and obligation, let alone one wants to accomplish his tasks effectively. In this regard, a public official should adhere to the highest ethical and moral standards firmly concerning the nature of the authoritative position he holds, the influence s/he may impose on others and a better implementation of and compliance to the rules he sets.

这个concerning作为前后的连接词用得不好，意思没有表达出来。 你可以参考一下我的范文中的主旨句。

Public official by its very nature is susceptible to corruption. As the authority, the official is depended to allocate the resources wisely and assign different tasks to the capable people. It is quite obvious that they are always overwhelmed by power or money involved in their job. By giving in to temptation they faced little by little, they will eventually corrupt. As the Rome is not built overnight, the notorious leader Hitler was not an egregious violator of humanity from the very beginning. It is reasonable to conjecture that once he made the bitter decision to kill innocent people out of frustration, the next time he might not even hesitate about killing more in order to  effectively accomplish his mission. If this is true, then public figures should make a more strict and demanding norm for himself so that similar tragedy can be avoided.

你的几个主题句都没有正面的提出分论点。要注意题目问的是你是否同意a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. 那么你的三个主题句都要正面的回答你是否同意，这是最基本的一点，你目前没有做到。 而事实上你整段都没有回应题目所说的ethical and moral standard 一直到最后一句才出现norm这个词勉强沾边



The leading position a public role secures also make those he governs disposed to follow the way he speaks and behaves. Human beings are naturally gregarious and find it appealing to come after the more successful one or those have a higher social status, in this case, the officials. How will people respond to the fact that some officials have habitually been visiting upscale restaurants that serve the dishes made from endangered animals. They possibly conclude that those dishes must be delicious and eating them represents a high-rank style of life, thus decide to follow suit. In this way, public leaders are serving as bad models. They should have thought twice then stop doing this.

Furthermore, once the official fails to abide by the rules that everyone is supposed to obey, he may find it very hard to make up for the lost reputation and trust. After the revealing of the extra-marital love affair between President Bill Clinton and the White House employee Monica Lewinsky as well as the fact that Clinton lied to the public, American citizens were constantly skeptical if the president had told more lies before. The trust upon the president once got lost and was lost forever. If the nationals no longer trust what the president said, then they are less likely to believe that any subsequent order from him is really made for the sake of the constituency or even the country. This is the last thing a leader want to see. Perhaps the best way to prevent this result is by sticking strictly to the moral and ethical rules in the first place.

To sum up, the behavior and word of public officials have more influence than are expected by themselves. In order not to repeat the career failures the predecessors made, they should pay a significant respect towards the rules and norms that are made and apply to everyone and try the best to conform to applicable laws and regulations.

这一大类里的第一篇练习，每段都尝试了一个例子。在整段的论述中，例子是不是应注意控制长度，并用两三句话归纳论证或讲道理，尺度的拿捏还不是很清楚。

无极仙道UID: 3592856

难得沉默v 发表于 2015-8-19 20:27
Issue 62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
Write a response in which y ...

首句depends on the specific contexts 似乎不加the为妥 ， organization skills 改成organizational 或者organizing skills比较好
分论点1的第二段，Referring to the examples of leaders in magazine companies, it is clear that anyone interested in becoming the chair editors, in addition to holding a bachelor degree in relevant fields, have edited influential magazines and accumulated extensive working experiences. 这句感觉逻辑不通，“想成为”（interested in becoming）未必就“有”，而应该是“需要有”。另外，the person will be able to get the job as the leader用candidate比较好
分论点2，引路人和leader似乎还是不同的，这里建议举一个别的例子比如在救援队到达之前自救需要有人带领。
——来自一个too simple，sometimes naive的渣渣，若点评不当望见谅。

原题：Government officials should rely on their own judgment rather than unquestioningly carry out the will of the people they serve.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.
习作：
Government officials are critical to assure citizen's daily life running on its orbit.They should sometimes rely on their own judgement for sake of keeping things in order and guarantee efficiency,however,this should not be lionized as gospel under all circumstances.

The officials are experienced and more professional in dealing with a lot of affairs closely interacted with our daily life.As Oscar Wild said,the public has an insatiable curiosity in knowing everything,except what is worth knowing.Since we have different occupations, there're some cases where we may fail to analyze an issue dispassionately,therefore we may misunderstand something and make inapplicable requests.If officials unquestionably carry out will of the people they serve,some affairs may turn into commotion.In addition,some people may want to gain without pains.For example,some countries are suffering from financial imbalance due to government's compromise to the unreasonable request of public welfare of some voters.What's more,even the people that officials serve have different opinion,so whose will should officials carry out?
  On the other hand,bureaucracy may appear if government officials just rely on their own judgement and ignore different opinion.After all,officials should finally serve the people who are creating values and paying taxes,instead of making use of their power casually.It's possible that officials don't have enough knowledge on some stuff,and people from all kinds of careers may have constructive advice worth considering.
  To get our society running healthily and efficiently,government officials should hold their stance on some affairs, yet they should consider different voices and fully explain their decision and consideration to public.
这里我感觉我的第一个分论点没有写的很清晰，加粗的部分与其说是分论点不如说是展开。不知道要不要在第二段开头加一句
Officials should rely on their own judgment in a number of cases,apparently.
还有就是字数明显不够。我不知道为什么，尤其是issue，好像写得比argument慢得多。想请教一下老师，想完论点之后，具体的事例是想好还是等写完了分论点再想？我写的时候采用的是后者，不知是不是写得慢的原因……
与老师的主要区别：
没有举出诸如基因工程（这个自认为自己至少还举了例子，勉强可以）、同性恋（意见分歧，这个完全没能举例子）这样的具体事例。然后就是忽略了征求意见之后执行更容易的观点，同样也没举例子。
感觉最大的问题就是难以想到合适的事例，往往花了大把时间却只有很初级、基本的事例，不够具体，有时甚至想不到合适的来佐证……其次的问题就是因此导致的写得慢、字数少。

TrueyangUID: 3642895

无极仙道 发表于 2015-8-20 10:01
首句depends on the specific contexts 似乎不加the为妥 ， organization skills 改成organizational 或 ...

我也是刚开始跟着老师写ISSUE提纲，之前是照范文依样画葫芦完全不能看。哥们我觉得你句式也很多变，而且对自己的问题反思的也蛮深刻的，写得慢的确是致命伤。不过写得慢没关系吧，原因的话主要还是在写第一段主旨的时候没有把分论点都写一遍，参照3+1模型的话，之后所有的分论点在第一段都应该是写过了的，之后的二三四段是仅仅是展开论述，这样其实减轻了思维负担，增加速度。现阶段主要的问题可能是这个吧

也贴上我不成样子的提纲，也请大家给评评

TrueyangUID: 3642895

Claim: Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive.
Reason: It is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

I agree that, in the cases of some ancient cities such as Roma, Paris, Beijing and so on, government should ensure that a proper sum of money is donated to them. Because these cities are culture centers playing vital roles in each of these nations.And due to the major parts of cities are inclined to be occupied, These cities would have little economic flexibility to support its own. However, it would be different in newly developed cities such as Shenzhen, Zhuhai etc. These cities are thriving mainly based on their economic performance, which may have a priority over culture preservation and generation.

从这一段可以看出你的语言表达问题很严重 比如because后面不能跟完整的句子 比如due to后面不能跟句子  little economic flexibility to support its own然后我不懂你这里想说什么



In all the extreme ancient and well preserved cities such as Paris, histories and monuments consist of major parts of cities. These remind us of the past of time and glorious history. The relics are distinctive and irreplaceable, acting as a symbol to contribute to the mankind’s solidarity and shared memories .
For example, in the city of Roma whose center are occupied with countless ancient relics, people from all over the world come to appreciate the evidence of shared history of human.

同样的问题主题句没有观点
建议你逐句模仿范文 就是暂时不要有自己的想法 严格按范文的思路来写  不要乱写句子 写之前先考虑一下表达对不对




Despite incomes from tourism, ancient cities can not afford the cost itself to protect the nation’s cultural traditions. Thus, financial aid would be necessary to help preserve and generate these traditions.
For example, A study shows that the tourism income could only cover the preservation expense for only half a year in Xian.And it is mostly the same case in other city with history.

It would become much different a case when we turn to recently emerged cities. Economic development would be playing a main role in them. They are running in a way of Marxist, in which economy is regarded as the bottom part, upon which all other aspects are built, such as culture and politics.
For example, in the city of Shenzhen, multiple cultural competition are being held in order to celebrate the great achievement in economic field.

Newly developed cities basically build their culture aspects upon economical foundation. In other words, these cities do not need extra donation to invest on their comparatively short traditions. But a well-funded ancient city could make a better preservation of human traditions, as long as financial supports are steady and adequate.

这。。都没看出来自己句子的问题，谢谢老师点拨！

bairongUID: 3607808

写在前面：楼上同学的习作老师已经点评过了~
最近先把之前写过没写好的作文重新写，今天写的是ISSUE4。
这篇觉得例子不好想，平时也爱看文章爱写东西（中文），但遇到GRE作文的具体题目时觉得还是看得少，例子想不出，因为不能痛快淋漓表达，感觉写作过程不够“愉快”。也有的是因为中文还能把社会问题阐述一下，英文表达起来有难度，所以还是先练练语言表达吧。基本按照范文的思路，但不能完全“抄”，前两个论点和范文不一样，最后一个用的就是范文的例子。现在想例子的方法是比照范文和百度，对照范文写的一个好处是，看懂范文的意思，自己写英文，然后再比对范文看语言表达哪里有问题。谢谢老师批改~

ISSUE4) Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.  

Are scandals useful in calling our attention to important problems? I think that the excessive reveal of scandals and the overstatement of the grave effects of scandals will distract us from important issues. After elaborating the two points, I will address the argument that scandals can usefully create pressure for governments to introduce reforms.
reveal词性  整个意思不太清晰  

To begin with, the excessive reveal of scandals may mislead people and even lead some disorders. We have to admit that now our society is replete with various scandals exposed through media, involving politicians, athletes, movie stars, etc. A trouble is about the excessive reveal of these scandals. This is often done by some so-called responsible mediums in the name of concerning about the social problems. As a result, readers may be amused by headline-grabbing gaffes and the bothered officials or stars can hardly utilize their full ability to fulfill their jobs. Just to meet the curiosity of the public as well as to seek the sales and profits, these mediums’ detective behaviors inevitably bring about disorders in some areas.

disorder是什么意思？ chaos?
A trouble is about  句子结构
this is done 指代不明
so-called responsible mediums  - irony?
in the name of concerning about the social problems选词


我觉得你整段废掉了 从一开始 excessive reveal这个point 就不成立  没有这个说法  后面充斥着各种表达问题  
像这种比较难的issue 我建议你晚点再写 就算写的话 也应该参考范文的思路 而不是自己拍脑袋想  



Likewise, the overstatement of the grave effects of scandals may shadow the contributions of the scandal makers unfairly. As a result of intense media scrutiny, a person's reputation is seriously besmirched in scandal cases, whatever important contributions he or she had made. For example, although Clinton was accused by his rose event, his dedication towards the resuscitation and prosperity of American’s economy during his term of office cannot be denied. If his fault was overemphasized then, he may have to resign immediately, and his economic ability can no longer serve the society, which is an obvious loss of the society.


Some people may argue that scandals are still useful in creating pressure to push governments to reform. For instance, after the scandal of Sun Zhigang, a Chinese university graduate was tortured and killed in Guangzhou Center for the Homeless, Chinese government has abolished the institution of arresting the homeless in the large cities. While this case leads to a desired outcome, it is doubtful that we should depend on such scandals to reform a national legal and social infrastructure. To fix a series of social problems in a modern society, the best solution is to educate the people about their rights so they can speak up against injustice when their rights are violated.  


In conclusion, the manners of revealing and depicting scandals excessively make scandals to be not very useful in focusing our attention on important problems. To reform the society and achieve real progress, we need better education to play a more important role.

bairongUID: 3607808

上一篇ISSUE有点难，再想想。今天写一篇argument7，之前想了下提纲，计时29分钟完成，对照范文修改了一下，范文的行文逻辑、语言都好，跟着修改慢慢学英文表达吧。谢谢老师批改~

ARGUMENT7)The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books.
"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by discontinuing the children's book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a café will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own café."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.


In this argument, it is recommended that Monarch Books should open a cafe in order to attract more customers for a lot of reasons. To examine these reasons, a number of questions about Monarch customers' attitudes toward a possible new cafe, the demographic structure of the Monarch customers and the competition against Regal Books need to be answered.

To begin with, research efforts need to be made to investigate the customers' attitudes toward a possible new cafe. If a large number of Monarch customers are interested in drinking a cup of coffee in the afternoon, the addition of the café will enhance the customers’ shopping experience at Monarch. If this is the case, the recommendation would be considered stronger. Otherwise, if the market researches suggest that customers prefer shopping to drinking coffee, the new café will not make the store more attractive.

Another important issue to look into is the demographic structure of the Monarch customers. Though a national census showed an obvious decline in the percentage of the population under age ten, the result of the census might not be useful in the analysis when it comes to the customers of Monarch. Granted that the customers of Monarch share the similar structure with the national trend, it is possible that the number of children who go to Monarch Books or the need for children's books does not decline. We need to gather more information about the demographic structure and the need for children's books before harshly canceling the children's book section.

Furthermore, some questions about the competition against Regal Books need to be answered. First, one needs to know whether or not the new cafe at Regal successfully attracts more customers. If Regal Books failed to increase the number of customers, there is little incentive for Monarch Books to follow the practice. Second, more information about the size of investment for a new cafe should be scrutinized in order to assess the competitiveness of Monarch Books. Besides, another question whether substituting a cafe for the children's book section has any negative impacts also needs to be answered. Meanwhile, other options for attracting more customers should also be explored.

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

bairong 发表于 2015-8-21 20:28
上一篇ISSUE有点难，再想想。今天写一篇argument7，之前想了下提纲，计时29分钟完成，对照范文修改了一下， ...

按要求，先占楼点评。

首先，逻辑漏洞都对应了，赞一个。

In this argument, it is recommended that Monarch Books should open a cafe in order to attract more customers for a lot of reasons. To examine these reasons, a number of questions about Monarch customers' attitudes toward a possible new cafe, the demographic structure of the Monarch customers and the competition against Regal Books need to be answered.

开头段，“for a lot of reasons” 换成“ for attracting more customers."具体点。后面接”to be more specific"，不影响衔接。     “Monarch customers" 不确定可以这么表达。

To begin with, research efforts need to be made to investigate the customers' attitudes toward a possible new cafe. If a large number of Monarch customers are interested in drinking a cup of coffee in the afternoon, the addition of the café will enhance the customers’ shopping experience at Monarch. If this is the case, the recommendation would be considered stronger. Otherwise, if the market researches suggest that customers prefer shopping to drinking coffee, the new café will not make the store more attractive. Indeed, a fact that there is no cafe after a long time operation of Monarch Books might indicate that residents are not fond of drinking coffee. Thus opening a cafe would be not useful to attract more customers.

Monarch Book应该是一家书店，你这句“Indeed, a fact that there is no cafe after a long time operation of Monarch Books might indicate that residents are not fond of drinking coffee."就有问题，他家没开过咖啡店，不代表这一带都没有。题干里是”We recommend that Monarch Books open a cafe in its store." MB又不是地名，得不出当地没有cafe的结论。
主旨句可以稍微改写一下，毕竟关键词重复也会被e-rater挑毛病。
表达都可以，不过也可以试试使用一些高级一点的词汇， stronger= more convincing= sound=telling=compelling...
be useful to = be conducive to=be beneficial to= contribute to...

Another important issue to look into is the demographic structure of the Monarch customers. Though a national census showed an obvious decline in the percentage of the population under age ten, the result of the census might not be useful in the analysis when it comes to the customers of Monarch. Granted that the customers of Monarch share the similar structure with the national trend, it is possible that the number of children who go to Monarch Books or the need for children's books does not decline. We need to gather more information about the demographic structure and the need for children's books before harshly canceling the children's book section.

"be useful to"可以换成”apply to"="comply with"="conform with"=...后接 the case
还是建议尽量不要使用重复的词汇。

Furthermore, some questions about the competition against Regal Books need to be answered. First, one needs to know whether or not the new cafe at Regal successfully attracts more customers. If Regal Books failed to increase the number of customers, there is little incentive for Monarch Books to follow the practice. Second, more information about the size of investment for a new cafe should be scrutinized in order to assess the competitiveness of Monarch Books. Besides, another question whether substituting a cafe for the children's book section has any negative impacts also needs to be answered. Meanwhile, other options for attracting more customers should also be explored.

挺好

前面关于词汇只是建议，不一定对。

乱羽乱舞UID: 3024572

113) Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

I totally agree with the claim in that thorough well-being of the people has a far-reaching effect on many aspects of the nation in which they reside. While a power ruler can indicate the potential influence of a country and prominent individuals may contribute to the development of the country, it is the general welfare of the nationals that will make a great nation safe and sound.

你的句子表达有问题 ruler indicate influence 这些搭配不对啊  不知道你在说什么  the general welfare of the nationals that will make a great nation safe and sound
也不懂你的意思
你写一句话出来之前首先要回忆一下见过别人这么写没   


To begin with, a country reigned autocratically by powerful rulers regardless of the basic requirements of its people can not withstand potential threat or attack. For sometime in the history, the King Genghis
别的不说
就说你这个主题句 根本就没有回应题目啊 indicator在哪里啊

你如果想训练自己的思路拜托你选一道简单的题目吧

To begin with, a country reigned autocratically by powerful rulers regardless of the basic requirements of its people can not withstand potential threat or attack. For sometime in the history, the King Genghis Kehan conquered a unprecedentedly large scale of land with his legions seemed invincible everywhere they went. However, without accounting for the subsistence of people in his nation, he levied an high tax rate together with ruthless policies on them. To those whose stood up and fought against his tyranny, he executed inhuman massacre on them. These actions eventually lead to the collapse of the super country due to the outbreak of insurrection across the nation in spite of no intrusion from outside or any disaster actually took place. If people are discontent about their lives, and repulse the government which abuses them, they will not devote themselves to the construction and protection of the country but react fiercely against it. In this regard, the power of the dominant ruler palls in importance compared with the welfare the people. And a nation like this is far away from being great.



Likewise, in a nation where the achievement of the outstanding talents fails to benefit the citizen, the successive development of the country can be undermined. In fact, the merit of science and art works are depended on a large part to the impact they have on people. Thus only when the accomplishment of those artists and scientists can promote the progress and improvement in people's emotion, spirit and lives, can the advancement be generally acknowledged, and further advocated by the mass.  Besides, if the whole nation is in distress and the legal rights of people are violated, chances are the country will loss the most capable intelligent elites, since their endeavors are seriously inhibited by the circumstance. Thus the nation will gradually loss its power and competence so that it may never become a great country.

It is only when a high living standard as well as personal growth are granted throughout the nation that the nation an be deemed as being great and prosperous. People in the nation is the organic part and have a huge impact of the prospect of the country. When their lives are enriched, universal education and personal improvement in all areas are granted, they will strive to make fundamentally progress in their respective fields with great enthusiasm. In turn, a highly diversified modern technology and advanced cultural works are likely to spring out across the nation, the whole nation as a result will be greatly enhanced. If this is the case, there is no reason that a country will not be intensively competitive over the others and finally become great.  

In one word, neither the immense power of the ruler nor the attainment of leading individuals such as scientists and artists, is an efficient indicator of a great nation. Nevertheless, it is the remarkable growth and improvement in life on the majority of its people that indicates a great country .

写作时严重超时，主要是政治方面的文章干货不足，就算是中文，想写好也挺伤神，而且论述起来，专有名词不够熟练，特别捉急。因为想培养下思维能力，基本都是按自己的思路写的，写完再看范文。

--------------------------------------------------- --！分割线--！-----------------------------------------

十分惭愧。。

I totally agree with  the claim in that when we regard a nation as being great, we are talking about a state featured not only by impressive accomplishment in all areas of human endeavor, including political power, military strength, as well as achievements in science and art, but also by a sustainable and unassailable foundation. With this in mind, granted a powerful imperative can exert great influence on the other countries and defend its borders, prominent individuals may contribute to the development of the country, the greatness of a state lies in the general welfare of its people.

表明立场后另起一句解释比较好

foundation of what

powerful imperative是指的什么

To address the issue raised in the statement, it is important to clarify what it means to be a great nation. I would consider a nation great if it has made positive impact to the development of the contemporary world. Also, a nation that had contributed a great deal in the history of mankind should also be counted as a historically great nation.  Given this understanding of  greatness, I would first discuss why the general welfare of citizens is not a good indicator; I will then discuss some examples of great nations in history and in modern society to illustrate that the achievments of the elites are better indicators.  

你看看我的主旨句是怎么写的

这才是紧扣关键词啊

While there is no doubt that a nation where people enjoy high quality of life is admirable, the general welfare of the people cannot serve as a reliable indicator of the greatness of a nation.

In modern society, great nations are often the nations where exceptional leaders in the fields of politics, art and science had achieved great works that can benefit not just their compatriots but the people all over the world.

If we take a historical view, it is also clear that the achievements of the elites are the better indicator of whether a nation was great.

再看我的主题句如何紧扣题目关键词

你下一篇issue 只写主旨句和主题句好了

补充了论证思路，大国不光要“大”，”强“，更要屹立不倒、牢不可破。

To begin with, a country reigned autocratically by powerful rulers regardless of the basic requirements of its people can not withstand potential threat or attack, it is never honorable due to a doomed failure. For sometime in the history, the King Genghis Kehan conquered a unprecedentedly large scale of land with his legions seemed invincible everywhere they went. However, without accounting for the subsistence of people in his nation, he levied an high tax rate together with ruthless policies on them. To those whose stood up and fought against his tyranny, he executed inhuman massacre on them. These actions eventually lead to the collapse of the super country due to the outbreak of insurrection across the nation in spite of no intrusion from outside or any disaster actually took place. If people are discontent about their lives, and repulse the government which abuses them, they will not devote themselves to the construction and protection of the country but react fiercely against it. In this regard, the power of the dominant ruler palls in importance compared with the welfare the people. And a nation like this is far away from being great.

主题句还是有问题
第一还是没有明确回应 indicator和great nation
第二整句话的断句有问题 也不懂你在说什么 我觉得你是不是可以考虑写一些比较简单的句子呢

补充一句，回应关键词。不知道是不是还有其他问题。

Likewise, in a nation where the achievement of the outstanding talents fails to benefit the citizen, the successive development of the country can be undermined, nor will the status and prosperity of the state be ensured. In fact, the merit of science and art works are depended on a large part to the impact they have on people. Thus only when the accomplishment of those artists and scientists can promote the progress and improvement in people's emotion, spirit and lives, can the advancement be generally acknowledged, and further advocated by the mass.  Besides, if the whole nation is in distress and the legal rights of people are violated, chances are the country will loss the most capable intelligent elites, since their endeavors are seriously inhibited by the circumstance. Thus the nation will gradually loss its power and competence so that it may never become a great country.

继续补充关键词扣题。

这道题的关键词是great nation和indicator  你的主题句里没有回应great和indicator

It is only when a high living standard as well as personal growth are granted throughout the nation that the nation an be deemed as being great and prosperous. People in the nation is the organic part and have a huge impact of the prospect of the country. When their lives are enriched, universal education and personal improvement in all areas are granted, they will strive to make fundamentally progress in their respective fields with great enthusiasm. In turn, a highly diversified modern technology and advanced cultural works are likely to spring out across the nation, the whole nation as a result will be greatly enhanced. If this is the case, there is no reason that a country will not be intensively competitive over the others and finally become great.  



In one word, neither the immense power of the ruler nor the attainment of leading individuals such as scientists and artists, is an efficient indicator of a great nation. Nevertheless, it is the remarkable growth and improvement in life on the majority of its people that indicates a great country .

还有不足之处，请老师同学指正，谢谢。

无极仙道UID: 3592856

乱羽乱舞 发表于 2015-8-21 22:42
113) Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, o ...

先占楼回复。最后一句的Nevertheless感觉不是一个恰当的转折词，而应该用Instead。
另外不知红色部分是王老师写的吗？granted a powerful imperative can exert great influence on the other countries and defend its borders, 这一句前半部分不是很确信自己理解正确，这里granted是作为副词，imperative作“帝国”讲吗？还望老师指点。
issue原题：A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.
习作：
  While it is important to build a standard course system for elementary and secondary education to provide students with training of essential knowledge and skills as well as provide convenience for universities in course design, it's imprudent to leave no discretion to the schools considering the difference in level of development,customs,and natural environment between different areas in a nation.
分论点1
It's irrefutable that we have to guarantee that every students would get necessary skills and knowledge in elementary and secondary education so that they would be qualified practitioners among different companies,hospitals,schools..etc.What's more,a standard course system would provide universities the convenience to design ,to some extent,unified education for students.If the freshmen are largely stratified in their academic abilities,universities would have to prepare different courses for them,thus requiring more qualified professors and financial support,which would definitely lumber those universities.
分论点2
  However,It would be ridiculous and imprudent to set a national curriculum for all schools of a nation.In some multicultural country,people of different ethnics have variety of folklores,cumtoms and values.It would be harmful to set a absolutely unified curriculum in terms of saving cultural diversity.What's more,in some gargantuan countries,different climates and geological features do exist.It would be a waste of money and time for schools to teach students in some provinces and counties of western China how to swim,now that it would be frequently dry in those areas.

  To sum up,a stardard core of education is necessary in order to provide qualifid students for differnt jobs,how ever,there should be discretion left for schools and parents to decide what to teach besides those core courses.

与老师的差距：
首先没有想到re-use lesson plans and teaching materials developed elsewhere这一好处，也没有想到志愿者可以作为temporary teacher。其次就是只想到大学可以统一设计课纲，没想到GPA could be a good tributary data to help universities assess the academic abilities of students.
然后一个明显的差别就在于对于统一课纲的理解。老师写的是完全同意但（执行时）需要谨慎，而我当时理解的这个课纲是全部课程，有一个不让学校决定上什么地方特色的课程的假设，现在想想好像这个假设并无道理，不知我是不是已经偏题了，还望老师明示。

还是那个硬伤……issue写太慢。今天写完开头段之后发现已经用掉了16分钟！！！！自己都不理解为何竟花了那么久，思考差不多4分钟……怎么想也觉得不可能第一段写下来要花12分钟……遣词造句能力太差了……对自己有些无语。
再贴一篇argument，今天模考的PPII第一份……
原题：A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.
习作：
According to the arguer,time devoted to weather and local news should be restored to former level to save advertising revenues and attract viewers,now that over the past year,the station has devotd increased time to national news and most of the complaints are about the coverage of local news and weathers.At first glance this argument is quite reasonable,but to further strengthen it,more evidence is necessary,including the specific contents of those complaints from viewers ,reason of advertising declining ,and to what extent  would restoring time for local news and weather be effective.

First of all,it clear enough that the manager just mentioned most complaints were "concerned" with coverage of weather and local news.However,if these complaints are about the content ,instead of amount of time of weather and local news,the manager's argument would be definitely weakened.For example,if the weather prediction are frequently wrong,causing a lot of viewers failing to take their umbrellas in a pouring day,or if the local news is all about native scandals and lack of information concerning available jobs,the viewers would definitely be discontent.Therefore,the complaints should be further studied.

In the second place,the reason why local businesses canceled late-night news advertising contracts is not given.They may have found advertising on television is useless,thus resort to Internet or newspapers.Or, these businesses might have changed to advertise during day-time ,on this same television station.If this is the case,then the manager's argument would no doubt be weakened.Thus,the specific reason of contracts-canceling should be investigated.

What's more ,given that all evidences mentioned above support the manager's view.It's not necessary that restoring the time devoted to weather and local news would attract viewers back and prevent advertising revenues from decreasing.If the viewers have been accustomed to their new favorite stations,or the local businesses has signed long-time contrats with other medias,the restoring might turn to be bootless.Therefore,to strengthen his/her argument,the manager need to find out evidence about the efficacy of the time-restoring strategy.

  A reasonable tim-aportion would be saluterious for a television station.However, in this specific case ,the manager need to find out more evidence about the content of complaints of viewers,the reason of businesses' canceling advertising contracts,as well as the efficacy of restoringg time devoted to eather and local news.


argument 好歹字数比issue多……望老师和各位同学帮忙审查一下我的reasoning是不是有不合理的地方，十分感谢TT