中国人的设计类申请文书究竟差在哪？分享一篇美国资深文书编辑对中国文书的修改案例！

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INmaginative作为来自美国的专业设计类申请辅导机构，在近两年与中国学生的合作中发现许多亚洲学生以及辅导机构在申请文书的写作上难以意识到美国顶尖学校的评判标准，往往走入了一些常见的误区，最后的文书成果难以体现申请人的个性、追求与思辨能力，使得申请文书成为了大多数中国乃至亚洲学生的弱项。为了使更多同学们认识到并避免这些误区，我们请INmaginative的资深编辑，毕业于哈佛大学设计学院，曾执教于圣路易斯华盛顿大学的Christine以一篇经过中国辅导机构修改过的建筑学生申请文书为例，指出中国学生文书的常见问题所在以及美国顶尖院校文书审阅的关注点。

（以下内容是由Christine所写，请同学们耐心看完哦，就当是练习阅读啦）

At IN-Maginative, we prioritize crafting an exceptional application essay that demonstrates a command of the English language, self-awareness about one’s accomplishments and ideas, and an understanding of academic writing. Our editors are excellent writers that come from within the field of architecture and design, so our essay writing guidance addresses both design content as well as writing structure, style and grammar. The quality of feedback and the combination of understanding the field of design and academic writing places IN-Maginative’s editing services far above those of other admissions consulting companies.

We realize that, especially in China, alternative editing services abound. After seeing examples of this editing work, we recognize serious systemic flaws in the resultant writing. These kinds of errors include incorrect grammar or word choice, awkward expressions, and poor organization. These errors could easily ruin a student’s chance of being admitted into a top architecture or design program. We also believe that students who have strong writing skills do better as graduate students and professionals. Our editors work hard to teach students how to be better writers, rather than only offering feedback to that specific essay. In this way, our services prepare students for writing-based graduate courses as well as help them produce outstanding essays. For these reasons, we believe that IN-Maginative offers the best editing services for design application essays.

We are including an example of an essay edited by an alternative admission consulting company in China to illustrate the specific grammatical, and structural problems that arise. It’s clear in this essay that the student has many good ideas, but they are not being communicated properly. The ideas are difficult to understand because of confusing wording and organization. The grammar mistakes alone would likely have an admission reviewer reject an application with this essay because the work comes off as careless and unaware of English grammar.

In addition, the editor seems not to recognize what is appropriate for an application essay to an American graduate program. For example, the editor allowed the student to begin the essay with a quotation, a misstep in application essay writing because the essay should have a clear, immediate voice coming directly from the student, and should not rely so heavily on the thoughts and voice of others. Given that quotations and references to other writers’ thoughts are fitting for other kinds of essays, it seems that the editor from this Chinese admissions consulting company is confused about what is and is not apt to include for an application essay. This editor also allowed informal expressions like “besides” and sentences that begin with “And” and “But,” all of which are serious breaches of grammar in any formal writing.

Furthermore, the disorganized structure of this essay reflects a lack of concern or understanding about communicating ideas clearly to the reader. Paragraph topics are hard to follow and are not in similar kinds of categories. A few curiously brief paragraphs float in the middle, not long enough to have proper transitions from one paragraph to the next. The theme of the essay, about art and science, is never explained in connection to the examples within the student’s experience, and specific examples, which should constitute the interior of all the body paragraphs, appear, strangely, in the concluding paragraph. The main sub-theses of the essay are not explained clearly in the introduction and referenced in the conclusion as they should be, causing the main ideas of the essay to be obscured. Also, there is no real argument for why the student should be admitted to this architecture program; the absence of this persuasive language is most conspicuous in the conclusion, where an applicant should be reinforcing this point.

One possible explanation for this disorganization is that the editor may not fully understand differences in academic writing in the United States and academic writing in other countries. In the United States, writers are expected to include a main idea, or thesis, and supporting ideas at the very beginning of an essay. In addition, the thesis should be addressed consistently throughout the essay with supporting evidence. In contrast to this emphatic and direct style, academic writing in places like China and Japan introduce and connect ideas with more subtlety and may wait to reveal the main idea until the end of an essay. As we mentioned already, this student states the thesis - about the relationship of art and science - in the last paragraph. This strategy of building toward a thesis placed at the end rather than stating it right away is not necessarily bad in all kinds of writing or in all writing contexts. However, writing for an American audience in the context of graduate application reviews, where time is limited and ease of understanding is of great importance, placing a main idea at the end of an essay will likely frustrate a reader and reflect poorly on the students’ knowledge of academic writing. This point is another possible explanation for why the essay suffers. In short, the editor has guided the student to compose a piece of writing that uses inappropriate language, content and organizational tactics.

At IN-Maginative, we conduct a thorough and well-tested process of drawing out ideas from the student, helping students organize them clearly into an essay with focus and specific detail, and polishing the writing to produce a compelling argument for a student’s admission into graduate school. As designers who are also passionate about writing, our editors push students to apply the same integrity to their essays that they apply in architectural design. Based on what we know about other admissions consulting firms (like the one included above), we believe that IN-Maginative can offer the best design application essay assistance available, and recommend that serious students seeking help with their essays, come to IN-Maginative first.

Christine Abbott

The essay itself is included below. Note that the words in red call out grammar or word choice errors, and in the words in orange are flawed for a content or placement reason.

（以下为essay原文与Christine批改建议的全部内容，红色字为语法错误或者选词不当，橙色文字为内容失误或安排不当，Comment栏为Christine所写批注及建议，图片较大请耐心等待加载哦）

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