1月4日，1T作文第六期同主题写作

北回归线UID: 2130044

TO wishuang(一直没机会上网所以过了这么久才回拍,让你焦急了,不好意思哈)

For older teenage children, when faced with the important decisions to make, should they refer to parents or other adult relatives? Some people hold the idea that children should solve the problem by themselves because of independence(because they should be independent), but other people agree that parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their children, and I agree with the latter.(最好别重复使用agree吧,用and that is also my point,就好^^)

The first and most important reason is that older teenage children do not have enough knowledge to make a deep(intensive) and considerate thought of problems(个人认为换成think over the problems intensively and considerately enough似乎更顺畅一点^^). As we know, having abundant experiences of life is very important to make a (advisable) decision. For a person(?), for example, who have gone to no place but his living place, a modern city attracts him so much that he makes a decision to go there alone and achieve further study. As a result, he reaches the noisy and dirty city and realizes that the decision is bad for him.(这个例子感觉没有阐述充分就停了,前提也没有解释清,于是说服力不够呀.作用也就不明显了.) Parents or adult relatives have more experiences than their older teenage children, for this reason they could make decisions more deeply and completely.

Another reason why I agree with the statement is that older teenage children may make important decisions according to the social environment and surrounding situation where they live, and lack the ability to think in a long term. For instance, older teenage children may choose economics as their majors, only because people graduated from economics department have good jobs at the time when they make this important decision. But in a long term, interest must be the first concern to make the decision about choosing a major.(个人觉得这段的TS和内容不是很相符啊,而且也太绝对了些,也不是所有的older teenage children都很没有正确的判断力的呀~)
Admittedly，parents or adults relations may not make correct decisions for their children. But who can make sure that the decision they make is the best one? If we try our best for the goal we choose, I believe the decision which parents make for their children is more considerate and correct than those of children.(这一段似乎也有些问题,TS最好表达更清晰些,"即使家长们也不能避免犯错,但是他们的决定一般说来都更considerate and correct",这样是不是好些呢?)
To sum up. I support the statement that parents and other adult relatives should make important decisions for their teenage children, because adults can make deep and considerate decisions from the long view.(最后最好把每段的中心意思都提到下,感觉完整些,是不是因为时间所限呢?)

个人觉得wishuang同学在组织语言和展开阐述观点上还要多注意下哦,欢迎继续切磋~!

[ 本帖最后由 北回归线 于 2006-1-7 21:49 编辑 ]

北回归线UID: 2130044

我的文在12楼,飞羊或是其他人要是有空就看下^^

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

看了小北的作文确实赞同某位同学的评价，你的文字水平确实很不错啊。到第六期了，小羊也可以说看了不少同学的各主题的作文，小北的语言确实是属于比较出色的呢。而且时间和字数掌握的都很好。希望继续保持状态，在下面的两次同主题活动中，在自己复习时间允许的前提下也帮帮其他的同学。

说说这篇文章，语言方面的我就不想多说了，不错的。但是如果我说你跑题了你会不会吓一跳呢？题目说的是Parents or other adult relatives should make important decisions for their older~~~~
你写important decisions了吗？很多同学都注意到了，这次在这方面你可落后啦 呵呵 如果写important，有些观点就显得有些不够到位了，至少要修改一下，是不是？另外你自己也注意到了，例子，不够。你也不是干说，但是有的地方也用了似乎是例子的论述方式，如： If a child is kept away from the real world by parents all the time, he/she may be totally blocked when faced with a practical dilemma. On contrast, if he/she made his/her own decision, even if that decision led him/her to a wrong place, he/she would still learn a lot from it.希望能举明显的例子，如名人等等的。
把题目一定要审清楚，否则要吃大亏的啊！希望你再把作文再改改，我还会给你看

xiaohua0098UID: 2169435

都太牛了