第二三四五六七期同主题写作欢迎拍砖,有拍必回!

清荷才露UID: 2163929

谢谢你来拍我的作文哦：）

Differences between children and adults are various. And there’re three defined characteristics that only adults share, namely, sense of responsibility, the capability to support oneself, and handling things independently. Since owning a job can obtain all the three traits, I maintain it is(-->as比较好吧？) the very event that makes an adult.

Firstly, one’s sense of responsibility is cultivated when working as a professionist. When we were fed by our parents as children, we ate what they cooked, wore clothes they bought (for) us, spent money they earned. We took everything for granted, because we haven’t got any ideas about responsibility. However, if we’re employed by a company(直接用employed就行了吧？), we’ll have to accomplish many things by ourselves, such as paying for taxes, dealing with professional difficulties, taking care of our parents,(逗号不要) and the(-->so) forth. After all, we have financial support for this, and also we have to(have to 后面怎么就没有了？还是指代前面的一些东西呢？such as take care of our parents之类的？这里好像句法有些问题哦，读不太懂), for these are all our responsibilities. In this way, sense of responsibility is accumulated. Thus we can be called adults, since it is the sense of responsibility that tells children and adults apart.(觉得有点罗嗦了，而且和该段的主题不是很近，真正涉及到的重点不多)

Besides, a job makes it possible for a person to feed himself/herself. For instance, when we’re working in a company, we get wage(personal opinion: wage似乎尤指周薪。) every month for what we’ve done for the company.(而且本句可以压缩精简一下，毕竟“工资”这个概念不需要解释的吧？:P) With those money, we can earn a living, and do other things necessary for adults. It’s hard to imagine an adult without enough money is able to take his/her responsibilities, exercise his/her personal rights(这句话没有看懂), or even make his/her own choices. He/She, therefore, is not qualified to be called (as) an adult. That is to say, an adult has to be economically independent. Hence owning a job means a lot for an adult.(觉得本段的主题和上一段有重复，还有就是代词，个人认为代词还是同一一些比较好吧？如果用复数us, ourselves就都用复数，如果用himself/herself的话就都用这个，否则总是觉得有点怪怪的)

Finally, a job-owner is forced to deal with incidents independently. When we are young, we don’t have to, as we have so many people around that can give a hand when we’re in trouble. On the contrary(这个转折是否太绝对了？), everyone in a company has their(单复数有点混乱哦) own business, so we have to handle problems by ourselves. In this way, we can get much experience, form our own perspective among people and phenomenon, and eventually be made true adults who are able to do a job with skill and ease in the adult world.

(结尾呢？)

总结：lz的这篇文章似乎太罗嗦了，语言不够精炼，而且我发现虽然我大概知道你想表达什么意思了，但是一些表达方式及习语短语的运用还是不够准确。加油哦~我自己也在练习，也有很多毛病。大家一起进步啦~

here is mine: https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

woodygtUID: 2136751

恩,好话就不多说了，说说我觉得的问题。

第3段的结构我觉得还有待加强,现在给我的感觉是比较散,或者是因为我阅读不好吧,呵呵.反正我的感觉就是跟不上你的思路,特别是中间那个感叹句,读到那个句子的时候我甚至不知道它在那是干什么用的.
但是很奇怪的是我也说不出来应该怎么改好,感觉整段都在点上,但是就是不容易看懂.

麦芒UID: 2190630

很好哦，不过body  部分2段和3，4 段的比例欠妥，在第2段的印称下显得后两段太仓促，比我的好多了，555~~~~

susan8940UID: 160449

问个问题,99年的阅读是不是比00年后简单许多?
错题数突然减少让我很不习惯

xinxinwUID: 2144273

Mass media such as movies or and? television do have significant impact on people’s behavior. Among countless ways to achieve this, there are two conspicuous aspects, that is, by influencing people’s perspective toward things, and by producing hot topics to keep people discussing语法.

First of all, guiding people’s attitude toward certain things or phenomenon is the most important way for movies or television to influence their 会不会指代不明啊behavior. That’s because people act by  under? the control of their minds. Once an audience’s notion has been changed, he/she will definitely show different behaviors.  Take cartoons for example, the girl who is beautiful and kindhearted will always finally get the prince’s love, whereas the bad ending’s always waiting for 时态the evil witch. By arranging such mode, the movies are telling children what is good/bad, thus children’s perceptions have been influenced more or less. Generally they’ll tend to behave like characteristics who own virtues, which is a good thing. However, there’re also bad movies or television programs containing violence, eroticism, and so on, which have caused lots of social problems.

What’s more, movies or television programs have the capability to make some hot topics for people to talk about, especially those social news. As I see, it seems thatalmost all people, no matter parents, friends, or teachers, are fond of watching programs giving news about what’s happening around us or in other parts of the nation. And after having seen these programs, they always discuss one another in homes, classrooms, restaurants, and so on. Good movies function like this as well. What a success the TITANIC has achieved! It perfectly described the endless love which, as a hot topic, has been memorized and appreciated by people all around the world. Talented merchants even manufacture various products relating to the film and have made a good fortune.

In conclusion, movies or television influence people’s behavior in different 用various更好些，否则会让人以为是在谈tv和movie的区别 ways, and mainly by impact people’s perspective and by setting up hot topics for people to talk over.

在用词上还要好好斟酌

susan8940UID: 160449

Some people believe that university students should be required to attend classes. Others believe that going to classes should be optional for students. Which point of view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.

For most people, it seems obvious that university students should be required to attend class since they lack enough willpower. However, in many cases, students will benefit more from attending classes optionally.

Firstly, attending class optionally can help students find out what they are interested or gifted in. There are numerous students entering colleges without choosing their favorite majors. It may turn out to be the most miserable thing to sit in class, learning the subject they are not a bit interested in. As a consequence, they can’t do effective study actually. For that matter, attending class can be considered a waste of time. So why not give them a chance to use such time searching for something they’re truly gifted in or prefer to. Bill Gates would never become the top rich without devoting his class time to computer research.

For another thing, not every class in university is necessary for every student to attend. For example, a friend of mine is a perfect self-learner, thus he finished learning the subject far ahead the class schedule. Attending a class to learn something he has already known seems make no sense at all.

Also, class time-table may not fit all students. Many students work more efficiently at night, so it may not be possible for those who are used to sleeping late to wake up early to join the first class. Or at least concentrate on listening to the teacher. That’s not to say every late-sleeping student has the right to skip class, it’ll just be better to afford students opportunities to set their own best schedules, that is, by attending class optionally.

大约十天前写的文章,看了下觉得还行,做了些修改,大家多提意见吧 :)

[ 本帖最后由 susan8940 于 2006-4-23 19:01 编辑 ]

tianwangxinranUID: 2137111

Mass media such as movies or television do have significant impact (imparts??) on people’s behavior. Among countless ways to achieve this, there are two conspicuous aspects, that is, by influencing people’s perspective toward\towards things, and by producing hot topics to keep people discussing.
留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA yc3j G:\:g8x h$| e0y
First of all, guiding people’s attitude toward/towards certain things or phenomenon is the most important \effective way for movies or television to influence their behavior. (这句看起来好奇怪，建议改写一下)That’s because people act by the control of their minds. Once an audience’s notion has been changed（去掉被动结构吧）, he/she will definitely show different behaviors.  Take cartoons for example, the girl who is beautiful and kindhearted will always finally get the prince’s love, whereas the bad ending’s always waiting for the evil witch. By arranging such mode\modes, the movies are telling children what is good/bad, thus children’s perceptions have been influenced more or less. Generally they’ll tend to behave like characteristics who own virtues, which is a good thing. However, there’re also bad movies or television programs containing violence, eroticism, and so on, which have caused lots of social problems.留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA t g$G0Y!I;Q:}X S%L

What’s more, movies or television programs have the capability to make some hot topics for people to talk about, especially those social news. As I see, it seems almost people, no matter parents, friends, or teachers, are fond of watching programs giving\which shows news about what’s happening around us or in some other parts of the nation\world. And after having seen these programs, they always discuss one another in homes, classrooms, restaurants, and so on. Good movies function like this as well. What a success the TITANIC has achieved! It perfectly described the endless love which, as a hot topic, has been memorized and appreciated by people all around the world. Talented merchants even manufacture various products relating to the film and have made a good fortune.(最后一句一定要删掉) 寄托家园#Y ^ Q T w){

  In conclusion, movies or television influence people’s behavior in different ways, and mainly by impact people’s perspective and by setting up hot topics for people to talk over.

开头可适当加长，因为那是最好凑字数的地方了，把题正说反说
第一段是写attitude吧，观点好像陈述的不够，只是在说一个事实，应该着重于attitude是怎样改变的，想什么方向变吧。Cartoon的例子很好，但是举完例子，然后呢？到底有什么change. Violence programs 亦然。
第二段还是有点多的在描述电影怎么流行，却没有联系上题目，写到哪里都不要忘了题目哦。一定要最后收一句来圆场。
结尾要加长，因为这也是最好凑字数的地方。

啊啦，啊啦，没有帮lz看语法上的问题，主要是一些思路上的个人见解，永远记得不要忘了题目让你写什么，散开了一定要收回来。

tianwangxinranUID: 2137111

忘了说了
我的
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D1#pid1768477622

powerpycUID: 2180236

00以前的阅读是要简单许多，==拍你的作文哈

powerpycUID: 2180236

谢谢你拍偶的作文~
TOPIC7

我记得正式写TWE的时候好象不能用缩写的样，另外，how这种题目貌似不需要对比positive&negative样。语法错误偶就不说了，大家都挑完了样~

恩恩，LZ+U，早日康复

approachUID: 2101189

看了你的文章,写的好流畅啊~~用词也很高级的~~偷学了不少.
不好意思我没能力改语法等错误.就给结构上提点意见吧~~
觉得你很擅长写长句子,但是要在长句中夹个短句子吧,前人说这样比较好.
还有你的文章中各种句式都用到了,我好象没有看到倒装的.下次练习的时候在倒装上练习一下吧~
总之~看了你的文章受益非浅~:lol

nostrumUID: 2124189

Mass media such as movies or television do have significant impact on people’s behavior. Among countless ways to achieve this, there are two conspicuous aspects, that is, by influencing people’s perspective toward things, and by producing hot topics to keep people discussing.留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA-n#A?;Qi7o


^BP'E
[|留学|签证|TOEFL|GREFirst of all, guiding people’s attitude toward certain things or phenomenon is the most important way for movies or television to influence their behavior. That’s because people act by the control of their minds. Once an audience’s notion has been changed, he/she will definitely show different behaviors.  Take cartoons for example, the girl who is beautiful and kindhearted will always finally get the prince’s love, whereas the bad ending’s always waiting for the evil witch. By arranging such mode, the movies are telling children what is good/bad, thus children’s perceptions have been influenced more or less. Generally they’ll tend to behave like characteristics who own virtues, which is a good thing. However, there’re also bad movies or television programs containing violence, eroticism, and so on, which have caused lots of social problems.最后一句不好，在一段之内最好不要出现反对自己的观点另外个人认为这个例子缺乏力度寄托家园N#O/HyJwm.l

2~y/t;oI6j|留学|签证|TOEFL|GREWhat’s more, movies or television programs have the capability to make some hot topics for people to talk about, especially those social news. As I see, it seems almost all people, no matter parents, friends, or teachers, are fond of watching programs giving news about what’s happening around us or in other parts of the nation. And after having seen these programs, they always discuss one another in homes, classrooms, restaurants, and so on. Good movies function like this as well. What a success the TITANIC has achieved! It perfectly described the endless love which, as a hot topic, has been memorized and appreciated by people all around the world. Talented merchants even manufacture various products relating to the film and have made a good fortune.
w4k
c6CG
\sc|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE
0R6I's d;`F/IK  In conclusion, movies or television influence people’s behavior in different ways, and mainly by impact people’s perspective and by setting up hot topics for people to talk over.
好文好文
整体感觉还是不错的，只是b1不太好，斟酌下例子
b2很8错:D

[ 本帖最后由 nostrum 于 2006-4-23 22:07 编辑 ]

zephyrsunUID: 2186291

For most people, it seems obvious that university students should be required to attend class since they lack enough(are lack of也可以，enough显得多余) willpower. However, in many cases, students will benefit more from attending classes optionally
（观点是不是应该更强调明确？）

Firstly, attending class optionally can help students find out what they are interested or gifted in. There are numerous students entering colleges without choosing （without和with是表示状态的，这里是不是用一个BUT句更合适？）their favorite majors. It may turn out to be the most miserable thing to sit in class, learning the subject they are not a bit interested in（这句有点中式表达，整理一下可能更好）. As a consequence, they can’t do effective study actually（study effectively）. For that matter, attending class can be considered a waste of time. So why not give them a chance to use such（the就可以了，such给人以后面要用that进行强调的感觉） time searching for something they’re truly gifted in or prefer to. Bill Gates would never become the top rich（？） without devoting his class time to computer research.

For another thing, not every class in university is necessary for every student to attend. For example, a friend of mine is a perfect self-learner, thus he finished learning the subject far ahead the class schedule. Attending a class to learn something he has already known seems make no sense at all.


Also, class time-table may not fit all students. Many students work more efficiently at night, so it may not be possible for those who are used to sleeping late to wake up early to join the first class. Or at least concentrate on listening to the teacher. That’s not to say every late-sleeping student has the right to skip class, it’ll just be better to afford students opportunities to set their own best schedules, that is, by attending class optionally.


楼主能够主动想起用各种例子，非常值得我学习。不过我觉得应该适当强调观点，TOPIC SENTENCES也最好在段末有个回应吧。

附上在下的，请拍：

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

麦芒UID: 2190630

第一个例子貌似不太好哦
结尾不是需要独立出来吗
感觉不错哦
我的 http://edu.gter.net/bbs/viewthre ... e%3D1#pid1768481651

wwonderyUID: 2159397

层次很清楚，高分潜质
通过１影响人们看待世界的角度；　２引导舆论趋势　来改变人们的行为
建议：１　ＢＯＤＹ　ＰＡＲＴ的中心句，尽可能的写的简单，加补充成分，也就是主干明确的，这样看起来觉得舒服．
比如第二段的第一句：The most important way for movies or television to influence people's behavior is through guiding ．．．．
　　　２　时间允许的情况下稍微把词语换一下吧，结尾也不要太短吧，不过生病可以少写一点的．　　by changing people's minds towards the surroundings and by bringing fresh theme into people's daily discussion (不是很确定能不能这样说）

谢谢ＬＺ帮忙批改，共勉