作文修改小超人（停止修改）

破海沧澜UID：2401581

ad50855353
Topic115  planning or not planning for your leisure time?

Today, we live in a world full of schedules forcing us to initiate something at a certain time, and even to accomplish something at a previously determined time. Many people complain much about that, arguing that the schedules are taking away their own freedom. Therefore, why should we bind ourselves to a carefully planned schedule for our leisure time after having suffered such great pains.
（这个开头需要改进，开头的方式其实就只有几种，在开头方面我觉得还是循规蹈矩一点比较好，创新是需要功底的，所以建议作者看看我修改的其他作文，我都有写过开头。）

In general, we, during our leisure time, want to relax ourselves by settling down to intriguing （这里用intrigue一词是不正确的：Intrigue is the making of secret plans to harm or deceive people.） activity. Thus, if we make a plan, we may only be worried about (worry about用得太过了，一般是对pressure or tragic consequence的形容，这里可以改成： in condition that we make plans, we might focus our mind on the plan solely, deprived ourselves of the opportunity of enjoying beautiful sceneries along the journey.) whether the plans could be done, rather than really enjoy our time. For instance, if you set aside an hour to listen to the music, you’ll be obliged to look at the clock several times, for fear of breaking the original plan. (这个理由欠佳，其实在托福作文中举例一般有两个作用，一是论证观点，二就是凑字数。所以，例子要尽量详细。) Some of you may even set an alarm clock to remind you. And what’s more, perhaps when you are absorbed into （=immerse yourself into sth.） the gentle music, the alarm clock goes off. Needless to say, you have spoiled (If you spoil something, you prevent it from being successful or satisfactory.) your good temper by yourself (spoil one’s leisure time 就可以了).

Also (In addtion), it is hard to make a decision about what to do for leisure in previous. Changes are usually faster than plans, you may, for example, be inclined to playing football in the morning, and then you are determined to do that in the afternoon leisure time (这句话有问题，建议改成： you may choose to do it in the afternoon if possible.). However, you may change your plans out of some reasons, such as weather, mood, field and so on (=so forth).

Making a plan for leisure time involves how much time a person will spend on an activity. However, that is difficult to estimate, leading to a bad plan, which makes everything a mess. (这一段逻辑上有点衔接不上，建议删去。)

In conclusion, I will argue again that the schedules are taking away their own freedom, then why don’t we leave the last freedom to ourselves by the means of no plans for our leisure time.

破海沧澜UID：2401581

嘻游天使

不知道LZ会不会帮忙也改改，感谢在先了！
It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.

Whenever it comes to a discussion about a child’s growing-up environment, we are always considering whether it is good for a child to live in the countryside or in a big city. Having been living in a big city for over 20 years, I have every reason for supporting children to grow up in a big city since a city rather than countryside for it provides necessary living facilities for children to live a more exciting life.
(这是不是套的模版啊？没猜错的话应该是。不过我觉得这个开头说不上详细精彩也说不上简洁干练，建议作者将开头在简略一些，比如：

Currently there exists a widespread controversy concerning good place for children’s cultivation. From my own perspective, I would prefer children to live in the city, and the reasons go as follows.

这是一种直接切入主题的开头方式，经济有效。)

First, it can not be ignored （累赘了） by parents that education is recognized as of great importance for children’s mental development . In big cities, there undoubtedly have excellent schools. I still remember, about 10 years ago in China, that parents were seeking top elementary schools for their children of my age to get better education regardless of higher tuition or extra donation the school charged. Although it seems incomprehensible regarding the parents’ behaviors, it is somehow showed that education is more or less a profound component for a child’s growing. And it is true that big cities contain more and better educational institutions than that of the countryside.
(The first point I would like to emphasize is that living in the city can promote education conditions for children. For parents who devote themselves to the cultivation of children, education quality is of most consequence. Inarguably, there is no shortage of excellent schools in the cities and parents may save much time as well as energy dealing with education matters. On the contrary, if parents make an unwise decision of living in the countryside, the situation might be formidable: schools there are in usually in scarcity and the local traffic is bad, making it difficult for children to attend school far away. Besides, the quality of the local education system might also disappoint those ambitious parents.

这是我根据你的主体段1的意思重写的段落, 总体来说，我们要尽量避免chinglish的情况。而我写的地方不少也有chinglish, 但在你原文的基础上已经改进很多了。可以参考一下。)

Besides education, children need to be living in a pleasant environment which provides entertainment. Some places like museums, theme parks, or libraries can let children be exposure to a more exciting world. Take museums for example, either Science Museums or Art Museums will demonstrate a very different world compared to a child’s normal life. When parents take their children to those museums, they might become interested in science through participatory learning about robots. Once children have the love for visiting museums, they tend to be eager to learn and think independently. While museums are hardly found or run in the countryside, children have less access to these places which can be one of the essential knowledge sources for learning the outside world.

（In addition, the facilities for entertainment as well as learning the city boasts also benefit children when they are growing up. Museums, theme parks and libraries offer children a huge opportunity to broaden their horizon. Perhaps it would suffice to mention my little brother, Joey, who is a real fan of art museum. “I find art museums wonderful,” one day he said to me, after he had visited the local gallery for a sixth time,” you know what? When you just look at the art objects, paintings, you might feel they are talking to you, and would like to tell you a gorgeous story. It is really amazing.” Hearing it, I was moved deeply. Despite his young age (he is now ten years old), my little brother has become an expert at art history, largely due to the presence of museums in the city. Besides, local theme parks also prosper his leisure time, which provide him with relaxation and amusement.

这个主体段我觉得你应该加一个事例，就象我后面重写的一样。这样从字数上才能有所突破。）
Moreover, it is more important for children after commencement of universities to get a decent job. Once more, it is a better choice to keep staying in a city where there are lots of opportunities to find a good one. They can get the feeling of competition when they are surrounded by elites. It is especially a good experience for children growing up in a multi-cultural city.
（这一段你可以提一下living in the countryside 的好处，一方面防止思维的绝对化，另一方面凑字数。

Admittedly, there are also some strengths of living in the countryside. While living in the city, the pollution is severe and the surroundings prove to be noisy, and living in the countryside, children could escape from these and lead a peaceful life, which is good for their physical fitness. Nevertheless, in the point of my view, I still regard that the disadvantages of living in the countryside outweigh the advantages. In accordance with various conditions, the city seems a better place for children’s growth.)

Other facilities like hospitals and healthcare centers are also basic components in the process of a child’s development. Despite some disadvantages of cities-air pollution, crowded traffic so on and so forth, I still recommend that children should live in a big city in order that they acquire knowledge in a fast-running world.

(最后直接结尾就可以了：

From all the material discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that it is better for children to grow up in the city rather than in the countryside.

下一次你写作文的时候，建议用一些高级词汇，比如SAT和GRE词汇，以显示水平。)

破海沧澜UID：2401581

elina_enjoylife

148 Does playing games teach us about life?

Nowadays, a hot and important controversy centering playing games concerns whether playing games teaches us about life or not. A fair proportion of people contend that the children who addict themselves in the games would result in less concentration in study, other people, nevertheless, advocate that a variety of games would help develop the children's brains and intelligence. As far as I am concerned, I will side with the latter. Of the countless facts and reasons that strengthen my viewpoints, I will present the most consequential (Something that is consequential is important or significant. (FORMAL))and conspicuous (If someone or something is conspicuous, people can see or notice them very easily.)ones here.
(这个模板我见过，但开头我没什么好改的，因为模板都是经过打磨的，所以漏洞很少。不过我建议你不要只用一套模板，几套换着用，交叉用。如果你下定决心要用模板的话。)

The first plain truth, I am presenting here, is that games can improve the youth's interpersonal and communication skills. In today's rapid developing society, no issue is more important than to contact with others and further improve our own capabilities in a certain area (Living in this rapid changing world, learning to contact with other effectively is of most consequence.). Most of the games, raging from the games we play with the partners to those on the computers, have (exert infulence) a profound influence on developing the children's ability of solving a serious problem in a particular situation. Therefore, so great is our passion to a success of the whole group in this competitive society, that we learn how to communicate and also cooperate with others from all kinds of games both in the actual life and in the games online. (写得好)

Furthermore, behind my opinion that games improve the communication skills lies an equally important fact that the games are conducive to （be conducive to sth.: making it easy, possible or likely for sth. to happen. If one thing is conducive to another thing, it makes the other thing likely to happen. The ambitions of parents are conducive to children’s pressure.记住这里应该是be conducive to, 而不是be conductive to ）our creativity. Statistical reports from an research institute in Hong Kong have demonstrated that those who play the games more frequently are more creative than those who concentrate on the limited knowledge learned from school. If this result is accurate, as I believe it is, the implication is far-reaching (深远的，广博的). It might be reasonable to conclude that the ability to think independantly, to image, and to create will all bring out an all-round （全面的） development of the students, which will be beneficial for them when they attend the society (最后一句话的修改which may put them in a favorable position in further job markets. ).

Last but not least, playing games is also beneficial to many other areas. For example, the players will be more likely to understand the importance (将importance 换成core, core: the most important part of sth.) of responsibility, if the whole group's fate all depends on the performance of the player himself. What's more, they'll be aware of spirit of teamwork as well, which is of indispensable importance in the modern society.

Admittedly, as a proverb says, "Everything has two sides." playing game has its undeniable demerits. For example, playing games excessively will only result in the decline of the grades and, in this case, the students will forget their identity and responsibly.

In conclusion, despite some minor drawbacks, playing games appropriately is instrumental (Someone or something that is instrumental in a process or event helps to make it happen.) rather than detrimental (Something that is detrimental to something else has a harmful or damaging effect on it.)(instrumental---detrimental) to our growth. With the advantages of games, we have the promise both of greater leisure and of even greater intellectual riches. Undoubtedly, it will not fail to be a wiser and safer choice to play games.

（由于是模板写作，全篇下来要改的地方很少，只有个别词语和句子我进行了升级。模板是在托福考试准备末期必须要做的工作。在修改这篇文章的同时，我做了大量模板的分析，就是为了为我所用。你可以参照一下。还有，你在什么地方考呀？我也10.17考！）

bepa1UID：2311082

那个~~上次谢谢你帮我改作文哦~受益匪浅。:) 我回去整理了一下,又写了一篇.麻烦你有时间能再帮我看一T吗？谢谢
opic: some people think that human needs for farmland, horsing, and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Do you agree or disagree with this point of view? Why or why not? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

People never cease to care about their living conditions. Motivated by the desire of the development of modern society, some people argue that human needs for farmland, horsing and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals, believing that the former factor is the only prerequisite for the continuation of human-beings. Contrary to this opinion is my heartfelt agreement that saving land for endangered animals is more significant.

The decisive factor that I want to point out at the first beginning is that saving land for endangered animals can benefit people in terms of maintaining the balance of ecosystem. The success of keeping the balance of ecosystem in a society does a lot of good for various aspects of life including beautify the environment, helping people have more possibility to live longer, as well as providing a precious fortune for offspring. Perhaps it will suffice my own experience. A couple of years ago, I remembered the sky in Beijing is blue and every morning, there were lots of people jogging around the street, enjoying the fresh air and the birds’ singing. However, currently, the land, which was used for garden has been covered with numerous factories or buildings. A kind of beautiful birds, which often came over before have been seldom seen around there. What’s more, due to the pollution caused by the factories and residents, the sand-storm has become the regular guest in Beijing. Is it a tragedy that our human-being should try to avoid?

People who demand that human needs for farmland, horsing, and industry are more important without recognizing the advantages that saving land for endangered animals has had in making the word more harmonious, more peaceful. According to a latest survey, comparing with 1990, there are 40 species of animals more in the list of endangered animal. When we enjoy the modern facilities and delectable dishes, isn’t it necessary to give some consideration to the homeless animals?  My friend Jacky for instance, when he came back from a tour to the West of China, he told me that developed rapidly although that region has, people did irreparable harm to some endangered animals. Some of these animals are valuable for studying the history of world, however, they have been killed in order to construct the skyscrapers, to develop the industry. So , is it somewhat childish to think that we can be benefit only by caring about the needs for farmland, horsing and industry?

Nevertheless, as the growing number of population, people are much more avid for land than before. Without land, we can’t grow plant, have family and expand industry. Scientists have confirmed that if the speed of the population’s growth is constant, in 2150 year, there can’t be enough space on earth for human.

Based on what I have discussed above, though the benefits that saving land for people’ needs results in are considerable, it can not compete with the advantages that saving land for endangered animals brings about. In this sense, protecting endangered animals is by all means of consequence, and we are able to achieve this by means of taking proper precautions, such as legal protection, public education… if not, the serious result will cost us more than we can afford.

破海沧澜UID：2401581

寄托们：
因为小超人10月杀T， 最近也不敢懈怠， 所以找了BARRON的原题来练了一篇作文， 定时的， 用了24分钟， 不过说实话， 水平下降了不少。
有空大家看看吧， 这是小超人的习作。 不过写得很烂....

Describe a good leader you admire most, use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Yesterday when I opened up a book named How to be a good leader and happened to look through it, a sentence captured my eyes: What makes a good leader? Then I forgot myself in thought deeply. Transparently, to be a good leader one must occupy some qualities. Although currently a fair portion of people consider distinguished figures such as Bill Gates as good leaders. A figure who lived in mid 20th century deeply convinced me of the qualities of a good leader: diligence and the dedication. And besides, I fully admired him as a typically good leader. His name is Enlai Zhou, the famous President of People's Republic of China.

The first point I would like to emphasize concerning President Zhou is his quality of hard-working. As Chinese students, we have been aware of his diligence ever since our childhood. Considering the desperating situation of Chinese people in the 1950's, President Zhou spared no effort to handle affairs concerning public interest. During those arduous periods, it is common for President to keep working until 2 o'clock deep in night. However, exhaustion and disease finally prevented President Zhou from working day and night, but his contribution for Chinese is by all means immortal.

In addition, President Zhou also exerted great influence upon national relationship, especially the relationships among China and African countries. In 1950s, he attended the Asian-Africa national conference which aimed to promote the communication between the two continent. During the conference, President Zhou express the friendliness from Chinese People and claimed that there existed a huge opportunity for Asian and African countries in terms of cooperation. After the conference, President Zhou succeeded to strength the interactions of China and African countries and till now Chinese People maintain a good relationship with African People.

In 1970s, when China was in the confusion of Political Crisis, President Zhou passed away. Thousands of residents in Beijing gathered around Tiananmen square to witness that moment of sadness. Inarguably, President Zhou is a good leader, not only because of the contribution he has made for China, but also because of the great contribution he has made for the whole world.

From all the issue I have discussed above, I may safely draw the conclusion that Enlai Zhou, the famous Chinese President, proves to be a good leader.
字数：384，

破海沧澜UID：2401581

lucy0207

hi ,superman, you have revised an essay of mine, and i learn a lot, thanx !
can you check this essay for me ? thank you a lot !

Topic: do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is better to be a member of a group than to be the leader of a group.


I disagree with the statement that to be a member of a group is more preferable than to be a leader. As the leader of a team, not only can one have the right to decide where the team should go, but also have a better chance to develop good interpersonal skills to enhance the coherence of the team, and learn to think comprehensively as well, all of which would contribute to one’s future career.

(虽然我上次说过开头段的简洁性很重要，但也是有一定章法的，这是我重写的开头，大部分沿用了你的思路：

If I were asked concerning the statement that it is better to be a member of a group than to be the leader of a group, I would totally disagree with it. From my own perspective, to lead a team, one can develop his interpersonal skills as well as his thinking, which in the future may put him/her in a favorable position in the modern society.)

Firstly, it is a fact that the leader carries the responsibility of deciding the team’ direction, while the others just follow the guider. My uncle has worked as an engineer in WDP, a prosperous computer company, for almost 10 years. Currently, the company is in such a depression that even paying salaries to employees on time can not be guaranteed Everyday my uncle went back from work with the anxiety of the company. Once he told me that he had talked with his manager several times, and had given his own opinions about the company’ future, but none of them was treated seriously. I listened to his advices, and found them quite practical and useful. I do not intend to argue that my uncle hold the right side, but just want to point out the possibility that if my uncle was the manager, his solution might help the whole company return to the right track.

(For one thing, being a leader entitles an individual to make decisions, which might prospers the entire company greatly. Perhaps it would suffice to mention my Uncle, a computer engineer in WDP, and his embarrassing situation in the company. Despite the fact that he has been working in the company for a decade and fully aware of the financial condition of the enterprise, there are still few things he is able to do apart from program design--- largely because he is an employee, not a leader. Recently, my uncle is worried about financial trouble of the company and indeed comes up with some practical advice as solutions, none of the advice can be put into practice. Suppose my uncle is in the position of management, the decisions he makes might help his firm out of trouble.)   

Secondly, as the leader of a team, one has a better chance to develop good interpersonal skills to enhance the coherence of the team. Once I built a team to attend a competition, which was a designing competition of starting an enterprise. Being the leader, when the team members felt hopeless, I stimulated them to move ahead; when they felt satisfied, I tried my best to make them work even harder. Thought we did not win the first place, I learned a lot from the process. Now I am more confident in dealing with the complex interpersonal relationships, thereby I can play an essential role in teamwork.

(In addition, some people argue that to be a leader might have a better chance of communication, which in return would promote one’s interpersonal skills.

这里对你的主体段有一点建议：在标题句，作者往往会阐述自己的观点，若这个观点的叙述太长，则分成几个分句写，上面是我写的一个修改的主体段，你可以参考一下，还有，我并不支持所有的主体段都采用举例的形式。你可以参考一下新东方的《挑战IBT作文满分》，上面有论述。）

Finally, being a leader is the best way for us to gain a comprehensive thinking （to be a leader, one is able to gain a vivid and deeper understanding of various issues. 开头尽量要写简单句）. Sound decision making is important to success （For the general public, sound decision making attributes to success.）. To decide which restaurant to celebrate our winning is simple enough by tossing a coin, while the decision of how to improve the team’s process is so complicated that we need a comprehensive thinking (这段中的很多句子多没有必要，你需要提高你在作文时的逻辑，每个句子的逻辑性要好。). A sheet will help a lot, by which we can list several relevant questions, such as “what can benefit all the team members?” or “What should I do for the show-learners in our team?” and seek the relative answer to each question. By think comprehensively, wise decisions are easier to reach and personal improvement can be achieved.

To conclude, being the leader of a group is far better than being a member. We will have more power, develop good communicate skills and learn to think comprehensively

HandsomeLeeUID：2102670

My first composition

Question: The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.

If you ask me what I like to do most in my leisure time, I will tell you that it is traveling around the world without any hesitation. Whether the young or the old, almost everyone has a dream or a hobby just like me, however, the ways may be different. Some people like travel in a group led by a guide, and some people like travel by themselves. If you want me to give you a suggestion, I think the best way is depending on yourself.

If you want to climb up the Statue of Liberty, or to see the massive art galleries in the Palace of the Louvre, or to go to Egypt to see the pyramid with your own eyes, however, you may not understand their languages or be unfamiliar with the abroad process, then you can attend a tour group. They will help you to handle many complicated procedures and what you need to do is following the tour guide, doing what he tells you to do, listening to his interpretation of the interests. It is both convenient and heart lighted. But, inevitably, you cannot have enough time to appreciate your favorite paintings, because you must keep the pace of the group.

On the other case, if you want to go to your dreaming place, such as Greece which you have known a lot about it, by yourself, then a self-tourism is more suitable for you than attending a tour group. In this case, not only could you have a closer look at your interested things, but also you could control your time schedule more flexible. You will have a wonderful time in the Aegean Sea with nobody hurrying you up. You will have enough time to breeze the fresh air coming from the Aegean Sea, and to feel the lovely sunshine there. However, you must spend much time doing something troublesome, such as reserving the restaurant and  buying tickets, and you may catch some trouble in the communication or loss yourself in a foreign country.

To sum up, either by yourself or by a tour group, it depends on your situations. The best way is the way best suitable for you.
  




[ 本帖最后由 HandsomeLee 于 2007-10-6 07:26 编辑 ]

HandsomeLeeUID：2102670

非常感谢你，觉得自己写的太滥了！！！都要疯了！

破海沧澜UID：2401581

eg_wqxab

65. Should a city try to preserve its old, historic buildings or destroy them
and replace them with modern buildings? Use specific reasons examples to suppo
rt you opinion.

In the last decade, China's economy has been galloping with such a crippling speed, which indicates that China's modern civilization has been now stimulated （这里完全可以不用定从： China’s economy has been galloping with such a crippling speed, indicating the onset of China’s modern civilizaition.）. As a country with thousands and thousands year's history, however, on the way to bring her population a modern life, China always has to decide whether historic buildings should be replace with new, modern ones (with thousands of years of history and with the demand for modern life, there comes a serious problem to which this glorious country must confront: Should the government replace the historic buildings with modern ones? ). As for me, one of China's new generation, the decision does depend on a specific case, that is, which one of them means to us, our citizens, more. (From my personal perspective, it is a question of preference other than a question of national culture, that is, which means more to us, culture or convenience? 这是我根据你的意思重写的一句话。总的来说，开头不象是托福作文，可能是我看多了托福模板写作的原因吧！你的功底是有的，提高的空间也大，你的能力并不象你想象的那么差，你还很强呢！只不过托福作文看少了而已。在这里我希望你记住写托福作文的一条黄金法则：越清晰的文章，越容易得高分。首先你需要做的就是理清你的写作思路。这很容易的，1，2天就可以搞定。还有，其实帮别人改作文是提高写作水平的好方法，只要你参照正确的表达方式，帮别人纠正错误的表达，或者帮助提升别人的语言质量，改上20篇，你的作文水平就会有飞跃， Add oil! 论坛上的资源多，你可以尽量帮别人改。)

We may first focus on historic buildings. What could an old building contribute to us?  （累赘了） First, seldom can a building be called historic if it has no historic values. (Historic buildings possess their own historic values, symbolizing the culture of a nation 主体段的开头在于简洁的表达你的观点。注意，在托福作文中，有关宗教，种族等有世界性争议的字眼一概不提。)The Forbidden City, the Baima Temple and the Stone Soldiers respectively have their own historic values as well as the Great Wall, which is even considered as the representation of China and its people. Confucius said （Confucius confuses, 老外都认为孔子的言论很绕，所以一般用confuses 形容他的话，还有，孔子的话你可以随便说一点，老外只知孔子其人，不知其言，可以遍，只要别太离谱。）:" We can tell whether a country is thriving or not from the comparison to its history." That means, not only can we know （attain a comparatively comprehensive view of our history, 这里需要用准确地表达出你的意思。） our history, such as where our ancestors come from, why we have those traditions, and how our country steps to the modern world （concerning the origin of our ancestors, evolution of our cultural traditions as well as the transformation of the country.  And 这类词要尽量少用，必要的时候用逗号，分号代替，还可以用as well as 这类看似很高深的词语。）, but also tell the situations we live today from history studies (这个观点不好。偏抽象，你可以想一个更好的分论点来支撑。). In this way （In this sense）, historic buildings provide us with a wide variety of authentic evidences. Also, majority of these buildings have （have 大多数的时候可以用possess代替，不过在这里，我更倾向与用enjoy,） tremendous value in architecture. Dayan Tower is a good example. Woody cylinders form its skeleton; stone brick, its body; and fine clay, its surface. Isn't this tower, which has been standing there for over one thousand years, a  gigantic fortune for architects (例子用得好！)? Moreover, some historic buildings contribute to us their art value （Additionally, some historic buildings prosper our life of art.）. Like famous Summer Palace, the symbols and pictures on each inch of its architectures form an prevalent style of Chinese art today.

On the other hand (这一般用于对比，不适合用在这里。建议改成：To such points, yet another must be added.), modern buildings have their value in totally dissimilar （If one thing is dissimilar to another, or if two things are dissimilar, they are very different from each other.）aspects. Generally speaking, we usually estimate a new building according to its economic value (替换：Basically, modern architecture is based on the concept of maximum income per square foot of ground.). Whether a civil project deserve certain investment, both in finance and land, dramatically depends on how it would be beneficial to local inhabitants. Let's take Sanxia Project as an example, which invovles 2.3 million people to migrate from their hometowns.（中国的例子不宜举太多，一个就可以了，你还可以加一些自己的例子，比如我的哥哥是个历史爱好者，他就反对拆房子…..） However, when it is completed, the project could serve over nine of hundred China’s population in a range of twenty-three provinces more than 100 years. Inevitably, some historic architectures are destroyed, but （在作文的转折词一律用However, Nevertheless, Notwithstanding… But是口语，别用。）, considering life of the next few generations, it is definitely worthwhile. Quite often, a new building's social value is also concerned, such as an institute, a college or a statue of a hero. Sometimes, environmental values would be considered, as well as military values.

Considering all above factors, that is, by evaluating old and new buildings respectively-- the old ones, historywise, artwise, and architecturewise; and the new ones, economywise, socialwise, and environmentwise-- we can tell which one of them outweigh the other, and make our decision eventually but rationally.

（这篇文章我改得比较细，作者自身的功底是有的，但写托福作文还需要磨合一下。改这么多，只是为了给作者尽可能多的提出一些可靠建议，而以上我的建议，绝对都是很可靠的，希望作者自己仔细参考一下。继续努力，成功不远，大家一起痛快杀T！！！）

破海沧澜UID：2401581

haomi

又要麻烦你了！

How do movies or television influence people's behavior? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
The question of whether watching movies or television is beneficial to us has been debated fiercely （这个词用得不太恰当，关于电视的争论恐怕还没有到fierce的地步吧？）through the years; some people hold the opinion that considerable violent or sex image from television contaminate our life environment and mind, while other concur with the opposite side of issue, personally, I will agree with the latter view.

(Televisions and movies are doomed to influence people’s behavior. Currently, hardly anyone could conceal the fact that our ways of thinking changed a lot while enjoying ourselves of the fruit of technology booming. However, a fair portion of people, on the other hand, stresses the negative effects modern technology has brought about, complaining that televisions and movies destroyed the daily communication, and so forth. Despite all the opposite thoughts, I strongly agree that the advent of televisions and movies do more good than harm. And in the long run, they can benefit modern human beings a great deal.)

First of all, we are more alerting and responsible about global issue such as global warming, terrorism, and universal education by receiving abundant information from television, would you fell surprised when my grandparents living in a far distance village called us to change our common lamp to energy-saving bulb as soon as possible, also suggested my father should go to work by bus or walking instead of driving his car? Few people would deny the efficiency of television on publicizing although sometimes it also present some fake image or overstate some facts, however, through television our awareness of public and world situation has been sharply increased, which can be easily proved by the fact that more and more people take part in volunteer group to help poor region’s children, more and more denotation have been gather from all the world to assist medical business, also more and more countries stand in the same line to resist the terrorism.

(The first point I would like to emphasize concerning the advantages of television is its high efficiency of information spreading. Inarguably, televisions have put human beings in a favorable position in information obtaining. Nowadays, people have been accustomed to knowing what is going on throughout the world by means of televisions. News Program, Talk Shows serve as significant ways for people contacting the world.  When it comes to environment protection, for example, television can exert positive influences during the process. Through advertisements, and through living broadcasting of environment-saving speeches, television may arouse the public attention seriously, making widespread protection precautions possible. Thus, with the assistance of televisions, the general public may be willing to do something good for their surroundings, which indeed have some positive effects upon our daily lives.)

Another influence does television act(语法错误！ Another influence television acts on us….) on us is we become more active and courage and passionate than before, the fact that the appearance of various show program can easily demonstrate my opinion. Dramatic raising people are applying for giving performance under hundreds of millions of watchers eyes, to show their ability, to show their passion, even their dream. Myriads of dreams have been realized on this stage, which not trigger our interest, also our passion, and lure for success.

(Another point I would like to introduce is that accompanied by television, an increasing number of people are willing to communicate with each other more often, which signifies the increasing likelihood of interaction of thoughts. Different people, from different regions with different cultures may get together in an TV show, sharing their experiences and cultures in the screen. Not only can this phenomena benefits the attendant, but they also benefit the people who happened to sit in front of the television, since through seeing the TV show, one can get a vivid and deeper understanding of a certain culture, moreover, audience enjoy themselves seeing the program at the same time.)

(在结尾之前建议同时也谈一下电视的害处，以表示你的思维的全面性：

Although I stress the positive sides of televisions and movies above, here is what I think: admittedly, there do exist some negative sides of TVs: violent and erotic stuffs presented on TVs, and some distasteful scene in movies. Nevertheless, we should develop a comprehensive view about this and very true is the old saying “ every coin has its two sides”. After, from my perspective, I believe bit by bit human beings are able to cope with these defects and when it comes to the function of television, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. )

Therefore, as all I have mentioned, it is no wonder to say that television exert a significant effect on us, encourage us more positive, active, courage and passionate about our modern time, just let us go watching television.

破海沧澜UID：2401581

为了方便大家联系我，小超人，再次帖出我的QQ和电子邮件。
QQ：260993250
E-MIAL：shenfengyuan2007@yahoo.com.cn
因为我10，11，12三次杀T，恳请各位寄托们多给我一点备考建议，以回帖的形式帖出来。我不胜感激！！！
先谢谢各位！！！

halkingUID：2291422

TWE第三篇求拍：the contribution of artists and scientists


which is more important to your country?

It is true that society can benefit from the works of its members. And for my turn, I maintain that both artists and scientists can contribute a lot to our country's advancement and prosperity. To give a comparison, I think the scientists are more important at this time of our country, simply because we are in the process of industrialization and urbanization which need a lot of technologies to pave the road for modern industries.

Broadly, we should admit that artists are also important to a society, such an importance can be reflected by continuous social science researches in university and also the cultural needs among people. Arts is an vital aspect of human beings, without arts we can not say we live in a civilized society. In certain development stage, however, the needs of rapid development may force people to pay more attention on the prosperity of science and technology, and hence want their colleges and universities to cultivate more engineers and scientists. This kind of choice can easily be understood, according to the Maslow's theory of human needs, people should meet their physiological needs first, which means they should lead a high level physical living first. And then it is emotional and social needs, which means the demanding of arts and social relationship, in a word their cultural need.

Therefore, in our country people choose to develop their economy first, try to reduce the poverty and promote the productivity of agriculture and hence provide more foods for people both in rural and urban areas. In more of agricultural areas, for example, people need more technicians and technologies to promote their production value and help them to prevent the disaster of pests. In such a situation they take little consideration about the enjoyment of arts, such a movies and painting or concert. A simple logic for them may be this: they should build a peaceful and sustainable physical life first, and then can go to school or send their children to school to enhance their cultural status, at last they would lead a rich living both physically and culturally.

At the end, I want to say the importance of artist and scientist should be considered in a relative or comparative view, there is no absolute importance to any of them. For my country, at recent situation, because of the need to develop economy the scientists tend to be more valuable and useful in such a process or development stage. Maybe, after several decades, artists will be more important in our society, but which would not mean that scientists will not be important anymore. Again, there is only relative importance instead of absolute importance.
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用时28分，修改两分，不过只修改了开头结尾。word检查，444字，拼写错误3个单词，笔误。
大家多拍啊！
谢谢！
其他两篇：
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthre ... light=%2Briversides
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthre ... light=%2Briversides

halkingUID：2291422

求拍！TWE第二篇teacher should be paid according to how much their students learn.


At the first look, it sounds a reasonable and fair suggestion. But in my opinion it is hasty to accept such an assessment method about teacher's work. Generally, a teacher's work can be complicated and various. Besides, the effect of teaching can always be affected by student's quality and response.

Traditionally, we consider teacher as a job which directly means teaching in classroom or scoring on student's assignment. With the advancement of society, however, such a idea can not be always true. At a time of national education, a teacher's work tends to be more complicated and various, he or she should analyze a student's characteristic and even interests. Also, modern technology has some important influence on student's behavior and thought, which may more or less affects their performance in school. So with such a various views, there are a lot of factors which can influence a student's performance instead of teacher's ability alone.

Another problem is how to measure what a student has learnt, just judging them with score on transcript or their performance on final test? modern education emphasizes an all-round development of student, so maybe a teacher had tried a lot on a student's characteristic development, but which can hardly be indicated by transcript or grade on final test.

In modern college and university, what students have learnt and what teachers have done have more broad meaning. A lecturer or professor in college can assume different kinds of work, teaching or research. For example, an engineer can hardly have a chance to give a lecture or lesson to college students, but he can also design very wonderful experiment or research project for students. Most of researches conducted by teachers in colleges or universities may have little relationship with students in short-term, but these findings may have important significance or influence in long-term, such as a paper in fundamental theory.

In other words, what students in college or university learn largely depends on their own effort. College campus is a very free surrounding, without own effort even the best textbook can only serve as some pieces of papers to students.

So, in conclusion, I maintain that it is impractical and unreasonable to assess a teacher's work by how much their students learn and pay them accordingly. A teacher's contribution should be assessed more broadly, and should include the consideration of student's own factors and the influence of surrounding on students.

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限时完成，用word检查2个拼写错误。
字数402， 比第一篇少了100个，同学说字数多没什么用！

[ 本帖最后由 halking 于 2007-10-10 18:19 编辑 ]

halkingUID：2291422

TWE第一篇求拍：if you could ask a famous person one question


At the first look, this is a simple question, but with some reflection it becomes a tough choice, it all depends on what kind of famous person you meet. As far as my own response is concerned, The special question comes to my mind is what were you doing when you were still a infamous person just like me.

As a famous person, of course he or she is rich, and have won a lot of respect and admire. all of these, however, tend to confuse your judgment. So if you want to know what kind of person he or she really is I think such a question will more or less give you some deep impression about that. For example, some day you meet a very famous professor in your field, more specifically, he or she is a Nobel Prize winner. You got a really big chance, but if you ask him or her why are you so successful today, are there some useful tips or shortcuts? Most frequently, you will get such a response: just keep trying, focus on something interesting, and after the age of 50 or 60, you will get what I get today. That is right, but what you can learn from his response? So little, everybody know he or she should try their best to pursue their goal in life, but the problem is how to practice this!

However, if you ask him what did you do everyday when you were my age? what you did everyday in your childhood, were you a thoughtful guy? This would be a better question, why? Because you can get more ideas and inspiration from such kind of response. From his or her response, you may know you should join more social activities, such as serving as volunteer in some conferences or doing some volunteer works for local community. Or, simply, you should train yourself to be a more open-mind student, try to find chances to discuss with your lecturers or your classmates. In a word, doing something special would certainly distinguish yourself with others, and then actually you have paved the road to success by yourself.

To be frank, such a choice of question actually, in other words, means what we can learn from famous person. You can not simply hold a wish that I want to be famous too because he or she can be such famous. What you need to do is to find some ways practical or directive for your recent situation instead of asking a question full with passion and admire, just as a professor in our college always says: following your own choice and interests is exactly your shortcut in your career even in your life.

At last, it is hard to give any conclusive summary. What I want to say is that, having a chance to meet some celebrities is lucky, but the most important thing is to find some practical ways suitable to your interests and your dream, and then someday your dream will become your excited career.
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全文限时29－30分之间完成，共508字，打错单词6个（开始写在记事本，后来用word检查发现的！）
大家不要吝啬语言，往死里拍就可以！拍个半死我在爬起来或许就半牛了，呵呵

破海沧澜UID：2401581

ufosisi

Kennedy once said, we choose to go to the moon and other things. Not because they are easy, but because they hard. Although some people claim that successful people prefer to taking things that they have done well, I tent （tend） to believe that those successful people would (be) more likely to take new things and risks.

(开头不错。)

As we all know, people's desire of having more never end. Successful people want to be more successful. They always try to do something new or risky in order to prove their remarkable abilities. Being a successful people, one must own (possess) a large extent of knowledge and is (be) ambitious. Being a successful people, one believes that no one knows what he can do till he tries. Being a successful people, one thinks that new and risky works are full of （=are saturated with） challenges, if he or she can handle them, it means another  kind of succeed （success, 注意名词和动词的形式。）. (用排比的形式写主体段是很好的形式，不过请作者注意自己的语法错误，注意纠正！)

What's more (在英文写作中，所有的缩写都要全写，改成what is more, 这是常识), successful people are willing （=are inclined to） to seek profits in different fields. Li Yanhong, the CEO of Baidu, for instance, he (前面有一个主语了，如果再加一个he, 就会造成句子成分残缺，请作者在平时加强语法的练习，在考场上犯语法错误是不划算的….)was not satisfied with the state of his company which just a website for searching information. Although Baidu.com has become a famous （=distinguished=celebrated） website which can compare with Google in China, Li Yanhong devoted to enlarge (devote oneself to doing sth. 这句话有语病！ Li Yanhong determined to flourish his business continuously.) his business. With a long period of hard working (Working hard for a long period of time, 这样的形式比with结构更具说服力！), he and his company finally obtain the license of releasing news. New things for successful people are like bones for dogs （用一个高中就学过的经典句型： what new things to the successful is what bones to dogs.）. And (最好加一个in general) the more risky a project is the more profits it may offer.

However, people may argue that fewer the risk, better the situation, especially in a keen (形容市场竞争激烈一般用fierce) trade competition. (这里应该加逻辑短语，不然你的这一个让步段就毫无逻辑可言： In the point of my view.) Either a fresh man or a successful man in the business circle needs some adventures in his career.

In conclusion, I incline to believe that successful people take things that new and risky rather than things they are done well. In addition, I think that it is the new and risky works make them succeed.

(你的最主要的问题不在于语言，而在于你的语法。所以我没有过多的修改你本身的语言，而是注意了你很多的语法错误。建议作者现在暂时不要过多关注语言质量，先解决语法。可以使用《薄冰语法》，对自己进行一定量的语法训练。)
（320 words）