08的作文修改小铺子

jiang08UID: 2391146

感觉有点跑题 请点评一下
Advertisements waste money and time of companies because consumers know what they want to buy
审题的一个要点是because consumers know what they want to buy，你如果写反方需要来反驳这个观点，而不是自由地写广告的作用/好处。另一个关键词是company，不是从消费者的时间金钱角度说的。


In our modern society, advertisements have become one of the necessary methods to publicize commodities. However, some people do not accept this way, in their view, advertisements waste money and time because customers know what they want to buy. From a personal point, I disagree with this point（短时间内出现2个point）. Advertisement is an important commercial method (用tool比较好), and it could bring us convenience, save our time on shopping ,help us to keep more money and, at the same time, buy ideal products .

At the beginning, it is indeed（true） the companies have spent a large amount of money on the advertisements, through different medias such as newspapers, magazines, the Internet and so on, employed stars to publicize their goods. Although all of these activities need millions of dollars, everybody could see their products no matter where and when （缺he is）. The directly results are we could save our time on walking to the shop and comparing everything we want. We could sit behind the TV or computer then make a call or send an e-mail. As a consequence, the good you chose will send to（被动） you home on time. If there is no advertisement, buying one thing should cost us at least one hour, and maybe we could not purchase a satisfied product. 注意题目里的time是公司的，你这里说的时间是消费者的，属于跑题范围……

Moreover, it is doubtless the companies want consumers buying （to buy）their products, so that they must spend a lot of money to show the public that their sell an ideal product with a low price. For instance, two months age, I want to buy a new mp3 player, but I didn't have an idea which one is better. Surfing Internet, I contrast different advertisements of products, to balance the price, the functions, the shape, I bought one. I still use this mp3 player well, and the information from the advertisements is helpful. The useful information not only help us saving money from the tight budget, but also help us buying the ideal product effectively. 感觉就要点到题了，就差一点。你去网上看，其实并没有用到广告不是？最好是说广告如何帮助你决定你到底需要什么产品。

As a coin has two side, maybe（admittedly较好） there are some disadvantages about the advertisements. Such as few（用some吧，few表示否定的意思） companies irresponsibly exaggerate the functions of their products, or some factories want to sell their unqualified products to deceive consumers through false advertisements. But, these circumstances are with rarely probability（绕口，rarely happen即可）, and these could not become a powerful reason（这个搭配有些怪，legitimate reason） to reject the advertisements.

To sum up, （all of us living in the modern society,多余） we are enjoying the convenience of the advertisements, they（which） help us reducing （reduce）the time spending on（spent in） buying one good（表示商品？）, saving our money on purchasing similar products, and providing the information of the ideal things which we most need. Advertisement is an effective way to the public and a beneficial way to the companies.
jlmjacky 发表于 2009-7-26 11:25

是有些跑题了，主要是题目没有审清楚吧
另外主动被动再复习下

jiang08UID: 2391146

刚写的，心里没底啊，先谢谢08大侠了

那啥，又是一个没写题目的孩子……
Are student’s efforts more important than their grades? Although I concede that this practice might contribute to students' psychological health, on balance, however, I believe this statement is a bad idea because this might mislead students to pretend to be hard-working and to study ineffectively.  

I concede that awarding students for effort has its merit. Since good grade is no longer the only criteria（这个是复数，criterion）, most students will have a happier experience in school. They will not suffer extreme anxiety before the exam, fearing get（afraid of getting） bad marks which would incur punishment from parents and scoff from peers. Instead, without such tremendous pressure, they can more focus (focus more)  on study itself, enjoying (and enjoy，这里并没有一边……一边……的意思) the process of learning.  

However, awarding students for effort（这里要加上effort over grade的意思，否则努力本身是无罪的，并且和题目就脱开了） carries several significant risks, which makes me disagree with the statement on balance. One of the dangers is misleading students to pretend to work hard. For example, some boys may sit in the front row and take notes down in order to give teachers a good impression. In fact, however, what they really think in mind are video games, exciting football match last night or pretty girls sit beside（seated around）. Moreover, they are no longer willing to review what they have learned after school, since this effort will not be observed by their teachers. In the end, they can still get award, and even greater award than those who really work hard and get an outstanding grade. As a result, this statement is very likely to be counterproductive, encouraging students to pretend to be diligent rather than exert more real effort on study.   

Another dangerous risk is discouraging students who study effectively. For instance, some students who have good study habit—reviewing notes every night, being concentrated while they are doing homework, knowing the fast reading skills--can master what they have learned faster than average students. Therefore, they can use thus saved time for other purposes that interest them, such as playing basketball or volunteer work. Yet, this might give their teachers and classmates an impression of making little efforts on study. Hence, they will not receive appreciation they deserved even if they do a good job in exam. For ineffective（inefficient？这两个词要区分开） students, there would be less motivation to improve they efficiency. Perhaps more severely, graduates who are trained under such educational concept are very likely to be rejected by companies where people’s capability is measured by the profits they create rather than the efforts they exert.  

To sum up, I disagree that we should attach more importance to students’ effort rather than their grade. Considering the risk it carries that would greatly undermine the quality of education, its merits are insignificant.
diamondcat 发表于 2009-7-26 20:06

语言相当好了，就是一个巨型用得有点泛滥，注意一下，并不是任何句子都可以这样：
主语 谓语 XXX，动词ing XXX。  （不知道这样写你看懂了没。。）
两个论点也很好，说实话这题挺难写的我觉得。。

jiang08UID: 2391146

我发觉你们写的文章都很长，其实300字就能拿高分了，看你怎么论述了。
oyeahot 发表于 2009-7-26 22:26

同意
之前看过一篇板油的作文就是300冒头，但是该写得也都写了，也很好

jiang08UID: 2391146

幸苦了！。。。
A&D:people today spend too much on enjoyment--what they like to do rather what they should do.

Different kinds of entertainments are emerging in the 21st century, for example, going to karaoke, watching television shows and travelling abroad. People, as a result, are spending more time having fun, which leads （缺to）the controversial issue-- Are people spending too much time in doing（on） entertainment? In my view, it is acceptable for the whole society that people（缺are） doing what they like.  这里你说到了整个社会，无形的给自己带了个套，要上升到全体的角度来写，一是很难，二是和你后面的也不符合

First of all, enterntainment can bring people （with多余） fun and make them feel relaxed. I like to watch televition a lot. Recently, I'm watching  "Friends"  again because the three guys in the show always make me lough（拼写。。）. Each time when Chanle（Chandler） speaks with his fingers moving, I loughed（同理） out. And I also have fun when Joy, Ross and other guys make stupid things. By watching this show, I feel relaxed and forget all the boring and confusing events at the moment.     

Moreover, every （everyone）has the right to do those things they like. There does not exist a law requires that each citizen must work an exact number of hours every  day, and there also exist no law that claim an indivual should do the exact thing. Every one is equal and they have the right to do what they appritiate, including doing entertainment（这个搭配从未见过。。）. Can a teacher teaching（助动词后面的动词用原形） the children in the school in the whole day, without any entertainmet? Can a doctor standing in the operation room healing his/her patient all day, without any entertainment? The answer are both no. They need times to rest and relax and entertainment is a good means.  医生和老师的例子和每个人都有自由选择的权利无关，这个例子放在第一段更合适，表达：人们需要适当的娱乐来放松。或者，把论点改造成：人们需要适当的娱乐来提高工作效率

Lastly, people in the past have spent too much times on their works. People in the past have spent too much time（完全一样的巨型连续出现两遍。。这个绝对要避免） in earning money, although they have enough food to eat, enough clothes to wear, and a comfortabel house to live, specially（especially） in China.为什么要特地提到中国？ As the society develops, people gredually understand that all the things they have done is to pursue happiness and this can be obtianed in a simple way--doing what you like. Different kinds of Entertainments provid people with fun. People can now travel to other countries for relaxing（relaxation） or go to karaoke to relieve pressure. When they（缺动词） back, they will have the work done with one hundred（缺percent，写得时候仔细点） concentration.  这个论点相当好

To sum up, people have the right to do what they like, and this will benefit both themselves and the society.

chinabjb 发表于 2009-7-26 22:34

感觉写得太急，下次先自己检查一下吧，当然还是要控制在时间里

jiang08UID: 2391146

第一次发。望狠批
15. Neighbors are the people who live near us. In your opinion, what are the qualities of a good neighbor? Use specific details and examples in your answer.

Different people would have different ideas about what makes a good neighbor. However, as fa as I'm concerned, there are some qualities that all the people would agree as the indispensible ones for an ideal neighbor. These qualities are respectful, caring and community-minded respectively.
First of all, a good neighbor should be respectful. Unless one treats other people with courtesy as well as respects, he/she could not gain respect from other people in turn. The respective manner is always the lubricant for a smooth social relationship and the foundation of mutual respect. To be respecteful means that one should not interfere others' private lives, and be willing to forgive other people's small mistakes. It is not just a method to make others happy, we should remember that it is one of the most important way to construct a harmonious environment for living, which is free of hatred and meaningless disputes and quarrels.这一段是在说respect的重要性，但是没有说到为什么neighbor要respect，或者你可以写邻居没有尊重会怎样
Secondly, a good neighbor should be caring. To be caring is a further step than to be just respectful and kind to others. It means that you should not be indifferent to other peoples problems and difficulties but be helpful to them when they need other people's help. No one want to be left alone when he is got trapped in difficulties in his life, so that any kind of help, even the smallest one, would make him feel warm. One should remember that helping others also means helping yourself. The one cutting himself from the society and turn a deaf ear to neighbors' woe would taste the loneliness and indifference once cast onto other people by him.同理，这个应该比较好些了，邻里之间互助的例子很多的
Finally, a good neighbor should be community minded. It is also a further step than to be helpful. To be community minded means that one always keeping the interests of the whole community in mind, instead of just worrying about the gains and losses of his own small circle. A good neighbor is always the one concerning about the construction and development of his community and actively engaging in offering his own ideas and advices.怎样关怀社区？具体例子？比如看到陌生人就跟security汇报，给小区里枯萎的花草浇水之类的
In summary, there are numerous qualities which should be possessed by a good neighbor, while being respectful, caring as well as being community-mined are the most important three qualities. If all the people all fulfill such three requirements, I believe that all the community would be perfect for us to live in.（perfect太绝对，better较好）
rabox 发表于 2009-7-27 23:47

如上所述，和题目的关联有点弱，不能只写那三个品质的重要性，要和邻居联系起来
语言不错，加油

tigerzxUID: 2669737

第一次发，谢谢楼主先
题目：20年后学生还用书本么？（机经里看的）
打字还不够快，字数仅300出头
Twenty years' development of science and technology has brought significant changes to everyone's daily life. Undoubtedly, television, computer and new high-tech like that multiply people's ways to learn. However, there is a fierce debate coming out whether books will still in use 20 years later. In my opinion, new technology will take book's place to serve as the main study method for students.

Obviously, television and computer have already played a crucial role in school, which increase the approaches for teacher to teach and for student to learn. Simply by marrying images and text contents together, the efficiency of study surge to a large extent. For instance, only by the easy description of pander, foreigners can not understand thoroughly while with the help of television, it provides a direct and clear way by showing pictures or videos which reflect the real life of pander for students to help the full comprehension. In addition, students now are more sensitive to issues with amazing optical and sound effects which means they are likely to remember these knowledges.

Someone may argue that due to the property of easy carrying of book, students can read on the way to school. However, 20 years later, the computer will be much smaller than books and containing more useful information. Simply by surfing on the Internet, people can discover all aspects of the Great Wall for example, while single book may only cover the history or the construction courses. What is more, with the help of computer, long-distence course will be available. Students sitting in a canteen of Chinese University of Hong Kong can receive the courses provided by Harvard University. That will save more time for studying and receive courses of higher qualities.

Based on the analysis above, the advantages of high technology- such as combining images and contexts, covering more useful information, cheap and portable- totally overshadow the mainstream- book- today. So I believe that books will be no longer needed in future and replaced by new technologies.

djy1333UID: 2619415

08十个温柔善良的好姐姐~

Joy2010UID: 2568701

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the statement: The ability to read and write is more important than it was in the past. Please include specific reasons and details in your explanation.


Can you imagine a day – just as every normal day, yesterday, today, or tomorrow - of a person living in the 21st century like you and me? The person gets up in the morning when he or she reads the time of a clock; then maybe does some cleaning things. After that, he or she will read the newspaper while having breakfast. Then, ready to work. The person needs to recognize the meaning of the signs to get directions on the side of the road. When get to company or any workplace else, he or she have to deal with the job, such as reading documents, writing some reports, collecting information from other materials, etc. This is just an ordinary day of a working person, the most important ability – or the ability which is used most frequently is to read and write. Yes, considering this issue, I totally agree with that it is more important to have such kind of ability in the modern society than every past second.

The era we live is no doubt a technology time. The information becomes more and more complicated and variety. How can we learn to swim or even enjoy the “sea of information”?  The only key to the question is to strengthen our ability to read and write, it is the only way to collect and summarize information then finally find out what is useful to us. As the development of computer and internet, someone want to communicate with others must have the basic skills to read and write. This is a process of input and output. Take a person without these abilities into your considering, the situation will be very complicated and out of control. Because someone without the ability to read nowadays is just like a person with eyesight challenge; without writing ability will equal difficulty in expression.

As mentioned above, we need the ability to read and write everywhere at anytime. For example, you are taking a journey to somewhere far away from your home town that you have never been to before, without the ability to read the street signs, the hotel advertisements, the boards of the scenery area, how can you enjoy your trip? At the same time, without the ability to write, you will be really confused when you are trying to communicate with local people only use strong accent dialect. In fact, the ability to read and write is so important and has become a tool to make living sometimes.

As improvement of both human beings and the society itself, in my point of view, I do not want to deny the significance of the ability to read and write in the past. However, as the situation changes, as the occasion which requires the reading and writing abilities much more than before, I suggest everyone should take developing your own ability of that into considering, because it will be not only good for yourself, but also will be beneficial for others around you, and even the whole society, the whole world.



这一篇写得我非常痛苦，感觉一直是在没话找话，例子也举不怎么出来，请LZ帮我指点一下吧。
辛苦了，谢谢！

nkglUID: 2618535

谢谢楼主啦~~~麻烦别忘了136楼~~

xiaoe881023UID: 2535831

8.8就要考了，这是我的第一篇练习 ；限时30分钟构思写作完成的，已修改了小的语言点。

It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer 你家附近将要建一个大饭店。你同意还是反对，详细阐述支持你看法的原因。


To build a restaurant in my neighborhood means to bring people an alternative place to have meals, and to prompt the development of local economy. Certainly, I will happily accept that good plan. Indeed, I even advise to encourage building more restaurants.

My family lives in a small town, so in my neighborhood, there are few restaurants on run. Restaurants of our choice are even fewer; it takes us half an hour to drive to a nearest one. It is obvious that we won’t go there for just a meal. Thus every day, whether very busy or free, my mother has to cook all the three meals for whole family. Otherwise, we starve. Such situation aggravates my tired mothers' feeble body after hard work. A new restaurant or another might be just our choice and thereby solve this problem.

Seeing at a larger scale, a restaurant could also contribute to the prosperity of local economy. A restaurant needs several employees and a relatively bigger one takes more. We could see that hundreds of people would find their work position if there could be more big restaurants, now that labour force are in want of employment here due to economical depression in industry and a restaurant employee need less special training. By bringing in new restaurants, the local government could alleviate the unemployment problem. An indirect benefit lies in the great need of a restaurant. We all know that restaurants consume lots of agriculture produces (mainly vegetables) and livestock (such as chickens, pigs and oxen). Increased number of restaurants means more demand of these raw materials, which is usually called the high dependence of the service industry. The food service and local economy would surly flourish together.

Based on the many benefits that new restaurants bring to us, not only me, but most local people would welcome restaurants.

raboxUID: 2594563

感谢对129楼的作文的批改。我学到了很多东西。谢谢！

这是Topic7的，电视和电影对人们的影响的那个。

Living in an age of information explosion, it is impossible for one to avoid exposing himself to the influence of movies and television. Instead of just being entertained by the TV programs and movies, human beings are also falling under the spell of them. As far as I am concerned, masses are shaped by the mass media in at least three ways: changing their perception of the ranking of importance of the issues, homogenizing their tastes, and arming the people with more information for supervising the government.
First of all, the sequence of the events reported on TV which all the people in a modern society is watching is deliberately organized by the journalists and the censors from the government. For example, if you listen to the NPR news nowadays, I bet that the first two words you would hear would be "President Obama" in most cases. By prearrange the sequence of the news, the media sharp the rank of significance in people's mind, and force them to accept the idea that what the media report most is always the thing deserving the highest priority of all the social members. On contrast, the events considered as insignificant are always reported in brief or even neglected by the TV and movies.
Furthermore, ideology and culture would also be homogenized by the movies and television, especially in a world which is equipped with internet and satellite. Through the sophisticated technology, the main stream culture, namely the western culture, distribute the TV products and movies all around the would. Along with them, western ideology and cultures also travel all around the planet. On contrast, the culture of minorities has been squeezed out of the world: jeans and T-shirts have already dominated some eastern countries, for instance.
However, there are also some advantages that the TV and movies bring to our lives. One among them is a much more transparent government due to the supervising from the media. For example, scandals reported on TV intimidate some unqualified officers, while movies on wars have instigated the mood of anti-war in the society.
In summary, our society is impacted by the influence brought by the mass media, in the way of television and movies. How to maximize their advantages and minimize their disadvantages would be an eternal topic for all the modern human beings.

玲珑四犯UID: 2655925

阿，这么好的地方，我之前都木有看到~哎，扼腕叹息。。。以后写了作文，要来麻烦08mm了

dogshoutUID: 2186461

145楼 请帮忙看一下

jiang08UID: 2391146

Which do you prefer—planning or not planning for your leisure time?

Talking about leisure time could make every one recall some sweet memory of his/her holiday life. But to schedule our holiday or not is always a very popular argument. To my personal (搭配不当), I would like to have my free time planned and make sure I can really have some days off. Here goes my reason.

To begin with, never do I have any doubt about owning a vacation plan（own a plan这个搭配没见过；另外这句为什么要倒装？）, because I have to make sure how much time I have and how many things I can do. If I take too many activities in the holiday, I may tire myself. On the other hand, if I set few entertainments for myself, It will be no fun and joy during the free time. For instance, I used to do（make） no schedule for my summer holiday. Usually, I find that I do not leave enough time for myself to finish holiday homework and get punished when I go back to school. In the next holiday, I went to another extreme condition, I stay at home all the time doing my homework. Then, the result came out that I finish them too early and I missed some meeting（parties，meeting太正式，以为你和同学出去谈公事呢） with my former classmates. So I finally understand the importance of leisure time plan（of planning my leisure time）. 这一段论证写得很朴实，表扬个

Moreover, to have a plan for my holiday could make me get prepared for the vacation activities. Most of the time, the so called leisure time could be a long period which contains（lasts for） several days or months（这个时间跨度很大，建议写成：which lasts from several days to several months，并且前面的long去掉）, so these free days allow us to have some entertainments that cost more time relatively.（没看懂这句。。） For example, we will be quite excited if we are having a trip to another country during our vacation, or we may go to some else place（some other places） to have a cooler summer or warmer winter. And no matter going to an else（another；注意else的用法） country or city will require us to pack up our clothes and daily things. If we do the packing just before leaving, it will be a rush, because it seems not enough time for us to think about which dress is better for the climate there. But to do these thinking before the holiday could be a solution to this dilemma.

All in all, I have to confess that no matter we plan the leisure time or not, we definitely could have a plenty of joy when we are enjoying it. But after I have seen the merit of having a schedule and tasted the goodness（advatange;goodness意指好心肠） of being prepared, I believe that（后面的从句完全是个人观点而不是科学论证，这里不用I believe了） I would like to have my free time scheduled rather than not.

lilingzi 发表于 2009-7-28 00:22

写得很贴近生活，把一些语病改过来其实是偏相当好的作文。从个人生活经验角度入手有时候比长篇大论更好写，效果也更好。

jiang08UID: 2391146

写的第一篇 因为没上过班，结构是听同学的经验写的 希望大牛给我点指导性的建议 我要遵照着在一个月的时间里好好练习！！！谢谢~~~
It has recently been announced that a new restaurantmay be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Usespecific reasons and details to support your answer.




Together with the remarkable growth of people's livingstandard in our community（不是每篇作文都能套用这个开头的，小区要造餐馆和人们生活水平提高其实没有直接联系）, a new restaurant is said to be built in myneighborhood. Some people believe that the newly built restaurant is beneficialto the community considering the convenience and efficiency it will offer.While others hold the opposite idea （from another perspective 多余） that it may bringsome social problems. As far as I am concerned, the advantages of building anew restaurant far outweigh the disadvantages in consideration of the lowerprices and the job opportunities it offers.

In the first place, as economists always view price asthe motivation of everything, the price is such a essential factor in thisprocess that it cannot be ignored. The increasing number of restaurants in ourcommunity means the increasingly fierce competition among them, which leads toa lower price for each meal. No one can deny the basic fact that, with a lowerprice each meal costs, we can go out for dinner more frequently and eat moreluxurious（缺food？）. The newly built restaurant contributes to the improvement of ourliving standard by getting involved in the competition among restaurants.

Moreover, a new restaurant can ease the pressure ofunemployment in our community. It will offer job opportunities for a wide rangeof people, especially for some low-paid waiters. And, in return, the size ofthe restaurant will be expanded. That is so called a win-win situation. Forexample, if a local resident is hired, not only he /she gets a job, but alsothe restaurant gains a reputation from his/her relatives and friends who willcome to eat in it with their friends. Visited by more and more customers, therestaurant can make a profit in the long run.

However, some people point out a major hurdle for thenewly built restaurant to overcome. Considering that, after getting drunk,people may create a disturbance and make troubles in the community. Therestaurant may bring some social problems in this way. Personally, this opinionis a kind of spoiling the ship for a half pennyworth of tar to some extent.What we have to focus time and energy on is how to take the essence and discardthe dregs.这里没有说如何去糟粕，也就是你对social problem怎么看

All in all, I support for the building of a newrestaurant by sound reasons listed above. Admittedly(这个一般表示让步的语气，这里用不太妥), there is an irresistibletrend of an increasing number of newly built restaurants resulting from thedecent price, the job opportunities and the long-term interest brought by them.Also, they can guarantee the stability and the prosperity of our community aslong as we take effective measures to improve the environment for the cateringindustry to develop.

nkgl 发表于 2009-7-28 13:18

作为第一篇相当好了。结构没问题，语言也很流畅。