08的作文修改小铺子

diamondcatUID：2659135

谢谢LZ对152楼的批改，真的很有收获:)   好负责的斑竹啊,改得很用心那

ps：
LZ提出来的关于区分ineffective和inefficient的意见，我查了下韦氏,貌似区别并不大呀：
ineffective: not capable of performing efficiently or as expected : incapable <an ineffective executive>
inefficient: incapable, incompetent <an inefficient worker>

Joy2010UID：2568701

急切等待LZ的批改。。谢谢谢谢~

dragongyhUID：2668666

非常感谢08MM的认真负责，涕零啊~~

qamcdmaUID：2596247

非常感谢您对168楼修改。
好像是例子论证普遍存在问题吧，您看还主要在其他哪些方面改进呢（我的语言表达是不是很多地方不通啊）？

谢谢。

thatllUID：2538832

Should the government focus more on preserving nature environment and less on economic development?
提纲：政府应该平衡两者。

• 1，
  经济发展对人类的生存很重要，他不仅关系到人类的温饱等物质问题，还关系到人类的道德等精神层面的问题。经济的不发展将会带来很多社会问题。
  
• 2，
  环境保护对人类的生存也至关重要，如果说经济发展解决了人类生存的内在问题，那么环境问题关系到的是人类生存的外部问题。而如今环境问题已经十分严重，到了一个关键时刻。
  
• 3，
  我们对经济发展的关注是一直的，也是足够的，但是对于环境保护还没有足够的投入。所以我们一定要在认识上达到一定的高度在行动上要敢于在不倒退的情况下牺牲一些经济利益来实现环境保护。
  

With the development of our economy, the nature environment is continuously deteriorating. Recently, the financial risk has provoked a hot discussion of the relationship between the environment preservation and the economic development. From the point of my view, the government should learn to balance the two instead of biasing either.

As we all know, the development of economy involves the survival of the humankind. It not only matters the problem of food and clothing but also influences social, political, and moral problems. If people are aware of the advancement of their living standard, their values, such as fairness, generosity and tolerance, will be consequently elevated. Otherwise, if people find that their life improvement will be impossible in the next decades, the whole society will degenerate and people will become more paranoid and hidebound. Such examples are plenty in the history of the development of humankind. More important, the stage we human beings are staying on is not as high as that everyone has no worry about his or her next meal. Especially in Africa, many people are hoping for what Chinese people hoped for half a century ago, although there still exist many areas in which people are worrying about their livelihood. If we want to solve such problems, the only way is to develop our economy. So the government should insist on the economical development.

If we accept the development of economy as the internal aspect of the survival of our humankind, the nature environment will be the external aspect of it, and the two aspects are equally significant. Now our environment has stepped into an dangerous situation, and scientists has warned that if the global average temperatures continue to rise as a result of the predicted increase in emissions of man-made greenhouse gases, the Earth could be tipped into a potentially dangerous state that could last for many centuries or could be irreversible. The climate change may bring about the melting of polar ice sheet and the collapse of the Indian and West African monsoons which will lead to a dramatic rise in sea levels that flood coastal regions and widespread crop failures and famine, hence counteracting the achievement brought by the development of economy. So we should protect our nature environment, which can also defend our attainment of the economical development.


It is not difficult to find that our governments are always working on the development of economy and even for the goal they would rather sacrifice the environment protection. As to the protection of nature environment, our government has not given adequate support, especially in material aspect. So the government should not only increase the awareness of the environment protection but also have the determination to sacrifice certain economical benefits to achieve environmental improvement. In conclusion, the government should learn to balance the two aspects and create a win-win situation.

jiang08UID：2391146

第一次发，谢谢楼主先
题目：20年后学生还用书本么？（机经里看的）
打字还不够快，字数仅300出头
Twenty years' development of science and technology has brought significant changes to everyone's daily life (第一句为什么要加上时间状语？说的是过去，和题目并无关系). Undoubtedly, television, computer and new high-tech like that multiply (用diversify比较好) people's ways to learn. However, there is a fierce debate （coming out多余，加个on） whether books will still （语法上缺一个be）in use 20 years later. In my opinion, new technology will take book's place to serve as the main study method for students.

Obviously, television and computer have already played a crucial role in school, which increase（单数，which从句修饰的是前面这件事情） the approaches for teacher to teach and for student to learn. Simply by marrying images and text （contents多余） together, the efficiency of study surge（用将来时比较好，因为这两件事情是有因果关系的） to a large extent. For instance, only by the easy description of pander, foreigners can not understand thoroughly while with the help of television, it provides a direct and clear way by showing pictures or videos which reflect the real life of pander for students to help the full comprehension.（那个，你要说的是panda？查一下pander的意思……） In addition, students now are more sensitive to issues with amazing optical and sound effects which means they are likely to remember these knowledges（不可数）. 最后这句和前面论证的关系不是并列，所以用in addition不恰当。最后这句其实是具体说了如何提高效率。你举的熊猫的例子（暂且认为是熊猫……），其实也没说出究竟，把panda换成别的任何东西放在句子里并无不通顺。

Someone may argue that due to the property of easy carrying（portability） of book, students can read on the way to school. However, 20 years later, the computer will be much smaller than books and containing more useful information. Simply by surfing on the Internet, people can discover all aspects of the Great Wall for example, while single book may only cover the history or the construction courses. What is more, with the help of computer, long-distence course will be available. Students sitting in a canteen of Chinese University of Hong Kong can receive the courses provided by Harvard University. That will save more time for studying and receive courses of higher qualities. 远程教学和书本的灭亡有什么关系？远程教学也可以让大家用课本之类的，和其相对的是传统教室环境才对。另外，仅供参考，写电脑体积缩小的时候可以提到kindle（不清楚的可以google），现在还真有人看这个，20年后说不定就无比流行了。

Based on the analysis above, the advantages of high technology- such as combining images and contexts, covering more useful information, cheap（cheap？是指网上的内容么？是的话最好在前面那段写出来，或者这里不要写cheap） and portable- totally overshadow the mainstream- book- today. So I believe that books will be no longer needed in future and replaced by new technologies.

tigerzx 发表于 2009-7-30 14:10

虽然短了点 但其实要点也都说到了 把熊猫的例子扩充一下 第三段再加上点kindle之类的 就很完整充实了

jiang08UID：2391146

题目：Do you agree or disagree with the statement: The ability to read and write is more important than it was in the past. Please include specific reasons and details in your explanation.

审题关键词：more important; in the past 所以写的时候不能只写读写怎么重要了，要把这个重要性和过去/现在的发展挂钩

Can you imagine a day – just as every normal day, yesterday, today, or tomorrow - of a person living in the 21st century like you and me? 这话会让人觉得你要开始写什么科幻小说了，21世纪已经9年多了，也不新鲜了……不要每个开头都套模板 The person gets up in the morning when he or she reads the time of a clock; then maybe does some cleaning （things多余）. After that, he or she will read the newspaper while having breakfast. Then, ready to work. The person needs to recognize the meaning of the signs to get directions on the side of the road. When get to company or any workplace else, he or she have（has） to deal with the job, such as reading documents, writing some reports, collecting information from other materials, etc. This is just an ordinary day of a working person, the most important ability – or the ability which is used most frequently is to read and write. Yes, considering this issue, I totally agree with that it is more important to have such kind of ability in the modern society than every past second. 开头好长，文章比例有点失调。你这一连串的生活和读写能力并没有直接关系，或者说这个能力在过去和现在是同等重要的，没有切题。

The era we live （缺in）is no doubt a technology time（one about technology）. The information becomes more and more complicated and variety. How can we learn to swim (直接写swim会被误认为是本义……) or even enjoy the “sea of information”?  The only key to the question is to strengthen our ability to read and write, it（which） is the only way to collect and summarize information then finally find out what is useful to（for） us. As the development of computer and internet, someone want（这里要用定语从句，自己想把） to communicate with others must have the basic skills to read and write. This is a process of input and output. Take a person without these abilities into your considering（imagine a person without these abilities）, the situation will be very complicated and out of control. Because someone without the ability to read nowadays is just like a person with eyesight challenge; without writing ability will equal difficulty in expression. 你说例子举不出来 那么可以说 不认字的人开车也会有困难，看不懂路牌  买菜看不懂标示 etc 不会写字的人 面对银行/电话帐单都看不懂 严重影响生活，更别说找工作了。这种例子很多的，动脑筋能想出来的

As mentioned above, we need the ability to read and write everywhere at (改：anywhere,） anytime. For example, you are taking a journey to somewhere far away from your home town that you have never been to before, without the ability to read the street signs, the hotel advertisements, the boards of the scenery area, how can you enjoy your trip? At the same time, without the ability to write, you will be really confused when you are trying to communicate with local people only use strong accent dialect. In fact, the ability to read and write is so important and has become a tool to make living sometimes. 这段写的比较具体，难点就是和上一段的论点其实是一样的，并且没有和过去/现在这个概念挂钩

As improvement of both human beings and the society itself, in my point of view, I do not want to deny the significance of the ability to read and write in the past. However, as the situation changes, as the occasion which requires the reading and writing abilities much more than before（这个情况在前面完全没有写到）, I suggest everyone should take developing your own ability of that into considering（consideration）, because it will be not only good for yourself, but also will be beneficial for others around you, and even the whole society, the whole world.



这一篇写得我非常痛苦，感觉一直是在没话找话，例子也举不怎么出来，请LZ帮我指点一下吧。
辛苦了，谢谢！
Joy2010 发表于 2009-7-30 14:31

的确这个题比较难写，目前文章的论点比较乱，2段其实合成一段也没问题。但是如果从过去/现在的不同上入手，应该会清楚些。
首先想一下 现在和过去（这个时间可以自己定义，因此举的例子可以很古老）有哪些科技变化使得人们更多要读写了？ 肯定能想到一个Internet，人们口口相传的故事或者过去宗教借用教堂彩窗来教育人民的方法都被网络取代，那么不认字就没法了  再想别的发展 比如买菜，从过去的farmer‘s market到现在的连锁超市，以前光用眼睛看嘴巴说就行，现在要读标签啥的
后面接着自己想。文章可以从不同的变化这个角度分段，比如网络一段，再每个例子（围绕着某项发展）一段。可以写2-3个例子.

yanglinsheepUID：2493965

这周就考试了，时间好不够啊。。麻烦高手指点指点。。谢谢。。。

88 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Telephones and email have made

communication between people less personal. Use specific reasons and examples to support your

opinion.

When it comes to ways of communication, people come up with not only modern means like telephones, emails, and on line chatting-rooms, but also traditional ways including face-to-face talks, personal letters, and messages left on desk. The issue whether telephones and email have made communication between people less personal is actually the competition between such state-of-the-art technology and the old-styled talking ways. From my point of view, I believe the new ways of communication will not publicize the contents of communication, but on the contrary, make talks between people safer and more personal.

Before we excavate the true merits of the high-tech things, it is necessary to have a brief look at how we communicate with fellows without the help of scientific tools. The most original and basic way is meeting the other party face to face. You set time and place for the appointment, usually at restaurant or in the office, both public places, talking with others by your sides. Sometimes we use the most sincere method--writing a letter--to unfold our hearts. Problems involved in these letters are apparent—letters lost on the road of delivery, "checked" by your parents, and stolen by the adversity in business. In a word, letters' safety is facing great challenges as well, not to say the third way of passing messages, a way depended on the third party to receive the information.

However, with the help of the technology-orientated instruments, all the matters mentioned above can be avoided. Without limitation of places and time, telephones and Email can be handled easily. To the extreme, to talk to your mate or compose your email, you can choose an isolated island--where you will never be bothered by a third one--as long as signals are available on the island. In fact, pragmatic wide-spreading use of Email demonstrates the pure fact that bearing the merits of safety, convenience, and time-saving, email could be credited as an ideal way of communication. Since only those having the right passwords could get access to the letter, therefore ensuring the privacy of the contents of the letters.

Admittedly, it is not a rare case that some people are illegally spying calls and emails between companies or even between governments to commit a crime. However we may as well notice the efforts of both government and related departments to improve the online system as well as to intensity the punishment of those crime committers. Almost certain is the confidence on the better improvement of future of these communicating tools.

To sum up, high-tech based communication methods such as telephones and email will continue to enhance the communication between people to remain personal.

jiang08UID：2391146

8.8就要考了，这是我的第一篇练习 ；限时30分钟构思写作完成的，已修改了小的语言点。

It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer 你家附近将要建一个大饭店。你同意还是反对，详细阐述支持你看法的原因。


To build a restaurant in my neighborhood means to bring people an alternative place to have meals, and to prompt the development of local economy. Certainly, I will happily accept that good plan. Indeed, I even advise to encourage building more restaurants.

My family lives in a small town, so in my neighborhood, there are few restaurants on run. Restaurants of our choice are even fewer; it takes us half an hour to drive to a nearest one. It is obvious that we won’t go there for just a meal. Thus every day, whether very busy or free, my mother has to cook all the three meals for whole family. Otherwise, we starve. Such situation aggravates my tired mothers' feeble body after hard work. A new restaurant or another（为什么要另一个？） might be just our choice and thereby solve this problem.

Seeing at a larger scale（From a larger scale；seeing的话注意see的主语，是饭店）, a restaurant could also contribute to the prosperity of local economy. A restaurant needs several employees and a relatively bigger one takes more. We could see that hundreds of people would find their work position if there could be more big restaurants, now that labour force are in want of employment here due to economical depression in industry and a restaurant employee need less special training. By bringing in new restaurants, the local government could alleviate the unemployment problem. An indirect benefit lies in the great need of a restaurant. We all know that restaurants consume lots of agriculture produces (mainly vegetables) and livestock (such as chickens, pigs and oxen). Increased number of restaurants means more demand of these raw materials, which is usually called the high dependence of the service industry. The food service and local economy would surly flourish together.

Based on the many benefits that new restaurants bring to us, not only me, but most local people would welcome restaurants. xiaoe881023 发表于 2009-7-30 17:20

文章稍微短了一点，只有300个字，不过改写的还真都写了……暂时不好发表评论，如果有下1篇换个难点的题再看吧……

jiang08UID：2391146

"又回去看了一下你的第一篇作文" q2 M% T/ Y) G, t, D3 V( v
模板是不是能稍微换一下……= =b
另外每分论点的开头最好有个连词3 o, k6 Z/ M# k& M/ @. y; {
最后 英语不是一簇而就的 进步可能不是一天两天就能看到 ...
dogshout 发表于 2009-7-31 11:33

关于模板 就是每篇开头都用have you ever seen的句型
不是每个问题都适用的
如果seen后面跟着特普通的一件事，没有必要用问句
还不如一个平实切题的陈述句

jiang08UID：2391146

谢谢批改。因为写作文比较慢。如果写快了质量会差。写四六级作文的时候不觉得，但是写T的作文总是希望能够词用的更准确，句型多样一点，再加上要写到300字以上，所以觉得很费力。速度又很慢。
我还有个问题。我想用排比，但是动词太多不知道怎么写不会有语法错误。9 n1 _0 }$ ]0 j5 e1 W
比如 我想说 住在城市里，我们可以遇到更多的人，参与更多的竞争，获得更多的机会。这样有很多动词在一句话怎么处理呢？
lxriris 发表于 2009-7-31 12:45

Living in the city enables us to meet more people, engages us in more competition, and creates more opportunity for us.
其实主语的选择无所谓 如果用我们作主语：
While living in the city, we can meet more people, engage in more competition, and gain more opportunities.

jiang08UID：2391146

谢谢LZ对152楼的批改，真的很有收获:)   好负责的斑竹啊,改得很用心那

ps：
LZ提出来的关于区分ineffective和inefficient的意见，我查了下韦氏,貌似区别并不大呀：
ineffective: not capable of perfo ...
diamondcat 发表于 2009-7-31 15:06

我也去查了 也是webster
ineffective有两个用法：
1 : not producing an intended effect : INEFFECTUAL <ineffective lighting>
2 : not capable of performing efficiently or as expected : INCAPABLE <an ineffective executive>
我觉得不妥是因为只了解第一个用法，事实证明是这里用ineffective也可以，但是这个词会引起误解，有可能让人觉得是第一个用法（形容东西没用的），所以建议换掉

jiang08UID：2391146

非常感谢您对168楼修改。
好像是例子论证普遍存在问题吧，您看还主要在其他哪些方面改进呢（我的语言表达是不是很多地方不通啊）？

谢谢。
qamcdma 发表于 2009-7-31 17:00

语言表达的问题是比较中式话
多念好的材料，可以看看美国报纸网站上的专栏/blog，内容不会太严肃，但是可以学表达方法

tigerzxUID：2669737

谢谢对186楼的批改^_^

dogshoutUID：2186461

我的用词句法是不是很Chinglish？