[进军美利坚作文组] 如是_ivy的作文 10月3日起用此版

如是_ivyUID：2704554

10月3日作文    The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual. Do you agree or disagree?


Admittedly, the environmental problem is quite complex not only in the aspects of its formation but also in the aspects of solutions. For instance, the formation of deserts covers quite a lot of respects such as the climate, the human activities and so forth. However, all of these cannot be the excuse for us to avoid the environmental issue.

To begin with, all of us have the responsibilities to the formation of the environmental issue. The whole world is linked by some visible or invisible relationships. As the famous butterfly effect, the wings of a tiny butterfly in Amazon can trigger a terrible tsunami in the Pacific Ocean. Still to see the formation of the desert, over grazing and over irrigation are two main reasons for that. However, to cover our consume demand is the radical reason for it. Thus, even though each behavior of us is quite small but all of them together will play a crucial role in the environment. So to handle the environmental issue is the duty for the individuals.

Furthermore, no matter how unremarkable efforts we individuals make, they can determine the development of our environment. For example, in the famous story between a tortoise and a rabbit, it seems that every step of the tortoise is much smaller than the rabbit, but finally he still won the rabbit in the dependence of its perseverance. What accounts are never the instant effects of our actions. As an old idiom said, one stick of chopsticks is easily broken, but a dozen of them are not. As long as we all improve our awareness of the environmental protection and take it in practice, whatever the huge environmental challenge is, we can conquer it successfully.

In a conclusion, since any behavior of we individuals may cause or help solve the environmental problems, how could we still complain that the environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual?

还是写的很短~~唉~~我发现我写的最大的问题就是没话说。唉~~~大家加油批评哈~~谢谢！！！

Jodie_310UID：2439321

Admittedly, the environmental problem is quite complex not only in the aspects of its formation but also in the aspects of solutions. For instance, the formation of deserts covers quite a lot of respects such as the climate, the human activities and so forth. However, all of these cannot be the excuse for us to avoid the environmental issue.

To begin with, all of us have the responsibilities to the formation of the environmental issue. The whole world is linked by some visible or invisible relationships. As the famous butterfly effect, the wings of a tiny butterfly in Amazon can trigger a terrible tsunami in the Pacific Ocean. Still to see the formation of the desert, over grazing and over irrigation are two main reasons for that. However, to cover our consume demand is the radical reason for it. Thus, even though each behavior of us is quite small but all of them together will play a crucial role in the environment. So to handle the environmental issue is the duty for the individuals.1

Furthermore, no matter how unremarkable efforts we individuals make, they can determine the development（改成improvement会好些） of our environment. For example, in the famous story between a tortoise and a rabbit, it seems that every step of the tortoise is much smaller than the rabbit, but finally he still won the rabbit in the dependence of its perseverance. What accounts are never the instant effects of our actions. As an old idiom said, one stick of chopsticks is easily broken, but a dozen of them are not. As long as we all improve our awareness of the environmental protection and take it in practice, whatever the huge environmental challenge is, we can conquer it successfully.


In a conclusion, since any behavior of we individuals may cause or help solve the environmental problems, how could we still complain that the environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual?

总评：文章挺流畅的。可能是我水平有限，语法方面的错误查不出来。
例子很好呀，蝴蝶效应和龟兔赛跑。
你比较倾向于用动词的名词形式。Form 的名词formation， develop的名词 development等。用多了会略显啰嗦，直接用动词形式是最简洁的。也是老美比较喜欢的。

关于字数的问题你不用过于担心啦。只要写得好，300左右都OK。不过，一般写到350+以上会比较好。毕竟英语不是母语，很难在较少的字数内完整的表达出我们的观点。

如是_ivyUID：2704554

10月4日作文： Agree or disagree: it is more important to have the rules about the types of clothing that people are allowed to work and school

Since in the middle school, whether to oblige all the students to wear uniform has been the topic for debating. Admittedly, having the rules about the types of the clothing can helps administrate students or staffs. Thus many people especially the teacher in some schools, holding the opinion that uniforms can hold all the students or the staffs together, insist that it is necessary and quite important to have the rules about the types of clothing. However, in my opinion, the core to improve the efficiencies for studying or working does not lie in the types of clothing, but the attitude of students or staffs.


To begin with, the types of clothing can present nothing but everyone's different tastes on the clothes. No matter at school or in the company, the one who dressed uncommonly may be easier to cause the special notice from the administrators. While we can never judge them as the one who do not treat work or study seriously. For instance, I have a friend who is dressed up and made up exaggerative everyday. But she is famous for her hard-working. She's ever explained that our daily life has been so tough that we should treat ourselves better.


Furthermore, making the rules about the types of clothing will not have obvious effects. The indispensable way to improve administrating is located in the attitude of the students and the staffs. Since the types of clothing cannot present anything, the key to improve the efficiency should be to reinforce the awareness of everyone's responsibility instead of badgering in the types of clothing. Just like shooting, to aim at the red centre and to concentrate on the major problem are more important. Besides, having the rules about the types of clothing is a little critic to the staffs. In the contrary, it may ignite the opposite emotion among them. After all, most of staffs and students who like to dress unusual admire the freedom more.

In a sum, taking an ineffective measure which may have some negative responses like having the rules about the types of clothing is too insensible.

真是米有话说，总算哼哧哼哧凑到350了

larcwingUID：2528204

1# 如是_ivy

Admittedly, the environmental problem is quite complex not only in the aspects of its formation but also in the aspects of solutions. For instance, the formation of deserts covers quite a lot of respects such as the climate, the human activities and so forth. However, all of these cannot be the excuse for us to avoid the environmental issue.

To begin with, all of us have the responsibilities to the formation of the environmental issue.（你这句想表达的意思是每个人都需要为环保问题的形成负责吧？但是这个短语不能表达这样的意思哦~可能用take the blame for要好点或者像我那样用share the responsibilty也是表达这个意思） The whole world is linked by some visible or invisible relationships. As the famous butterfly effect (shows), the wings of a tiny butterfly in Amazon can trigger a terrible tsunami in the Pacific Ocean. Still to see the formation of the desert, over grazing and over irrigation are two main reasons for that. However, to cover our consume demand(consuming demands) is actually the radical reason (deeply lies behind it). Thus, even though each behavior of us is quite small(has relatively tiny influence) but all of them together will play a crucial role in(to trouble) the environment. So to handle the environmental issue is the duty for the individuals.(So it is the duty of individuals to handle the environment issue.当主语比较长的时候用it做形式主语)

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Furthermore, no matter how unremarkable efforts we individuals make, they can determine the development of our environment. For example, in the famous story between a tortoise and a rabbit, it seems that every step of the tortoise is much smaller than the rabbit, but finally he still won the rabbit in the dependence of(这样用有点难理解啊。。。直接用depend on好像还好些) its perseverance. What accounts are never the instant effects of our actions. As an old idiom said, one stick of chopsticks is easily broken, but a dozen of them are not. As long as we all improve our awareness of the environmental protection and take it in practice, whatever the huge environmental challenge is, we can conquer it successfully.2 l0 _# q# i9 I9 v) T1 U$ o5 i

In a conclusion, since any behavior of we individuals may cause or help solve the environmental problems, how could we still complain that the environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual?3 L- S% F. U+ e7 y

总体来说不错的，比较流畅，也善于讲故事做例子，蝴蝶效应的例子用得尤其恰当！我不觉得你没话说啊，能用适当的例子把两个分论点支撑起来就足够了！

larcwingUID：2528204

ivy，10.3的作文好像没有帮我改呢~~:loveliness:

如是_ivyUID：2704554

5# larcwing
咦？我没有看到分组呢~~~不好意思哈。现在去改哦~~嘿嘿~~O(∩_∩)O~

nathanycUID：2551974

3# 如是_ivy

Since in the middle school, whether to oblige all the students to wear uniform has been the topic for debating. Admittedly, having the rules about the types of the clothing can helps(语法错误) administrate students or staffs. Thus many people especially the teacher in some schools, holding the opinion that uniforms can hold all the students or the staffs together, insist that(改成and，有点啰嗦了) it is necessary and quite important to have the rules about the types of clothing. However, in my opinion, the core(用得好) to improve the efficiencies for studying or working(这里怎么感觉有些偏题，要是我就说the key point may not lie in...)does not lie in the types of clothing, but the attitude of students or staffs(估计是你的模板吧，很不错，虽然个人喜欢开门见山，不过适当让步论证更有说服力).

To begin with, the types of clothing can present nothing but everyone's different tastes on the clothes. No matter at school or in the company, the one who dressed uncommonly may be easier to cause the special notice from the administrators. While we can never judge them as the one who do not treat work or study seriously. For instance, I have a friend who is dressed up and made up exaggerative everyday. But she is famous for her hard-working. She's ever explained that our daily life has been so tough that we should treat ourselves better(让步段没有什么问题，但总感觉可以说rules about the types of clothing重要的方面，不要和反面观点搅在一起 ).* V"

Furthermore, making the rules about the types of clothing will not have obvious effects(may cause unexpected detriments). The indispensable way to improve administrating is located in the attitude of the students and the staffs. Since the types of clothing cannot present anything, the key to improve the efficiency should be to reinforce the awareness of everyone's responsibility instead of badgering in the types of clothing. Just like shooting, to aim at the red centre and to concentrate on the major problem are more important. Besides, having the rules about the types of clothing is a little critic to the staffs. In(on) the contrary, it may ignite the opposite emotion among them. After all, most of staffs and students who like to dress unusual admire the freedom more.
再多写几个方面啊，展开不够，比如rule会抹杀个性，遏制创新之类的
In a sum, taking an ineffective measure which may have some negative responses like having the rules about the types of clothing is too insensible.继续写啊，therefore,we should ...升华中心Only... can we...强调倒装句结尾

呵呵，第一次回帖改作文，这个题目灰常不好写，我要是考试肯定挂了，有空再好好想想，我也一头雾水，加油

daisy840228UID：2684617

10月4日作文： Agree or disagree: it is more important to have the rules about the types of clothing that people are allowed to work and school7 X; k4 l% D& h 6 `4 }; q/ s 9 {& q4 j" ^4 l  |( W. D Since in the middle school, whether to oblige all the students to wear uniform has been the topic for debating. Admittedly, having the rules about the types of the clothing can helps administrate students or staffs. Thus many people especially the teacher(s) in some schools, holding the opinion that uniforms can hold all the students or the staffs together, insist that it is necessary and quite important to have the rules about the types of clothing. However, in my opinion, the core to improve the efficiencies for(of) studying or working does not lie in the types of clothing, but the attitude of students or staffs. To begin with, the types of clothing can present nothing but everyone's different tastes on the clothes. No matter at school or in the company, the one who dressed(es) uncommonly may be easier to cause the special notice from the administrators. While we can never judge them(him or her) as the one who do not treat work or study seriously. For instance, I have a friend who is(is 去了） dressed up and made up exaggerative everyday. But she is(was) famous for her hard-working. She's ever explained that our daily life has been so tough that we should treat ourselves better. Furthermore, making the rules about the types of clothing will not have obvious effects. The indispensable way to improve administrating is located in the attitude of the students and the staffs. Since the types of clothing cannot present anything, the key to improve the efficiency should be to reinforce the awareness of everyone's responsibility instead of badgering in the types of clothing. Just like shooting, to aim at the red centre and to concentrate on the major problem are more important. Besides, having the rules about the types of clothing is a little critic to the staffs. In(on) the contrary, it may ignite the opposite emotion among them(不是特别理解，如果有例子支撑应该更好）. After all, most of staffs and students who like to dress unusual admire the freedom more. In a sum（没有a）, taking an ineffective measure which may have some negative responses like having the rules about the types of clothing is too insensible（这个词可能得换一个吧，nonsense?). 文章结构挺好的，一些小语法和固定搭配再注意下更好。结尾可以再充实些。9 ?$ V- T; n9 \, b: W

如是_ivyUID：2704554

10.7  作文  Technology cause children show less creative than they were in past


With the development of the technology and science, a revolution has covered all the aspects of our life. The most direct change among us is that the Toefl test has become the internet-based test instead of the paper-based or computer-based, which makes it more convenient. Meanwhile, the rapid progresses in technology also have deep influences on the growing-up of children. I still remembered that when I was young, I went out to play with my friends more often, while my younger cousin chats on the internet with his friends more frequently today. Thus, quite a lot of socialists doubt that whether the technology will cause children show less creative than they were in past. In my opinion, this kind of view is quite unreasonable.

To begin with, more convenient ways never equal as less creative ways. Children nowadays are often blamed as lazier ones than before. It is a major reason that some people regard them nowadays as less creative ones, since various things can be done more directly without too much thinking and consideration now. For instance, when I was young, I had to make all kinds of skirts or other gadgets such as bed, bread for my doll by myself, while children today can easily buy all these things which are made by designers and special machines in the stores. We should not blame children less creative for that. Otherwise, we all should be blamed as a kind of lazy creature in this world, since we human beings are always developing into less creative aspects. After all, our life is more and more convenient than before so that we need not do many things by ourselves.Thus, what to blame is neither the children nor the technology.

Besides, the ways to show creative never have a single standard. In the past, children might show creative through making the models by mud or sticks, cutting beautiful flowers by scissors and paper, and so forth. To making some certain things which have gorgeous shapes by their hands was one kind of standard to evaluate children's creativities in the past. However, we should change it with the age which has changed from the industrial age, to the knowledge and information age nowadays. We should not ignore that despite fewer children can make wonderful models by mud or sticks, they can make more wonderful ones through the computer procedures. To judge children in the modern times as the less creative ones still just by the old standard is too unfair for them.

In a conclusion, the development of the technology is not an excuse to blame children less creative. It also develops and creates some aspects which children have never met in the past.


不知道为啥，今天无论作文还是口语都特别多话。不过觉得逻辑欠点，论证不是很充分。
谢谢帮我修改的好人了~~

doubledianUID：2661760

10.7  作文  Technology cause children show less creative than they were in past7 f# q6 l" x' E8 ]# J

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With the development of the technology and science, a revolution has covered all the aspects of our life. The most direct change among us is that the Toefl test has become the internet-based test instead of the paper-based or computer-based, which makes it more convenient. Meanwhile, the rapid progresses in technology also have deep influences on the growing-up of the （这个需要the吗？）children. I still remembered（用现在是比较好吧） that when I was young, I went out to play with my friends more often, while my younger cousin chats（你看你前面是过去时到这咋成现在时了？应该前后一致吧？你是不是想表达过去你总出去玩，而现在你的小外甥则经常在家玩电脑啊？那我看错了，但是这句表达的稍稍有点问题） on the internet with his friends more frequently. Thus, quite a lot of socialists doubt that whether the technology will cause children show less creative than they were in past. In my opinion, this kind of view is quite unreasonable.( x; `% g! H* a
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To begin with, more convenient ways never equal as less creative ways. One reason of some people regarding children nowadays as less creative ones may be that they are lazier now which means that various things can be done more directly without too much thinking and consideration. For instance, when I was young, I need to make all kind（复数） of skirts or other gadgets such as bed, bread for my doll by myself, while children today can easily by ones which are made buy designers and special machines in the stores. We should not blame children less creative for that. Otherwise, human beings are always developing（这个需要用ing形式吗？） to less creative aspects. After all, our life is more and more convenient than before so that we need not do many things by ourselves.
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Besides, the ways to show creative never have a single standard. In the past, children might show creative through making the models by mud or sticks, cutting beautiful flowers by scissors and paper, and so forth. To making some certain things which have gorgeous shapes by their hands was one kind of standard to evaluate children's creativities in the past. However, we should change it with the age which has changed from the industrial age, to the knowledge and information age nowadays. We should not ignore that despite fewer children can make wonderful models by mud or sticks, they can make more wonderful ones through the computer procedures. To judge children in the modern times as the less creative ones is too unfair for them.
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In a conclusion, the development of the technology is not an excuse to blame children less creative. It also develops and creates some aspects which children have never met in the past.
这篇文章写得很不错，思路很清晰，高级词汇用得也很多，错误很少，感觉有些句子在表达上有点问题。我的作文水平比较次，所以给你改得也不尽完美，请谅解！记得给我改，辛苦了

larcwingUID：2528204

我今天状态异常糟糕。。。口语作业也做不出来作文也不想写~~都totally in panic:mad:了。。。粗略地看了看，不要见怪啊。。。愁死我了！！！！:dizzy:

With the development of the technology and science, a revolution has covered all the aspects of our life. The most direct change among us is that the Toefl test has become the internet-based test instead of the paper-based or computer-based, which makes it more convenient. Meanwhile, the rapid progresses in technology also have deep influences on the growing-up of children. I still remembered that when I was young, I went out to play with my friends more often, while my younger cousin chats on the internet with his friends more frequently today. Thus, quite a lot of socialists doubt that whether the technology will cause children show less creative than they were in past. In my opinion, this kind of view is quite unreasonable.
（我觉得tofel考试这个例子没有什么必要。。。）

To begin with, more convenient ways never equal as(to) less creative ways. Children nowadays are often blamed as lazier ones than before. It is a major reason that some people regard them nowadays as less creative ones, since various things can be done more directly without too much thinking and consideration now. For instance, when I was young, I had to make all kinds of skirts or other gadgets such as bed, bread for my doll by myself, while children today can easily buy all these things which are made by designers and special machines in the stores. We should not blame children less creative for that. Otherwise, we all should be blamed as a kind of lazy creature in this world, since we human beings are always developing into less creative aspects. After all, our life is more and more convenient than before so that we need not do many things by ourselves.Thus, what to blame is neither the children nor the technology.
（这段分论点太抽象范围也太大了，而且后面两句论证的话好像也没有踩在点子上的感觉，事例后面的说理也绕得我云里雾里的。。。本来说理论证就是比较困难的部分！所以分论点一定要缩小到具体点。。。然后用事例来说你的论点，最后最多用一两句话概括下你的事例说明的是什么问题）

Besides, the ways to show creative never have a single standard. In the past, children might show creative through making the models by mud or sticks, cutting beautiful flowers by scissors and paper, and so forth. To making some certain things which have gorgeous shapes by their hands was one kind of standard to evaluate children's creativities in the past. However, we should change it with the age which has changed from the industrial age, to the knowledge and information age nowadays. We should not ignore that despite fewer children can make wonderful models by mud or sticks, they can make more wonderful ones through the computer procedures. To judge children in the modern times as the less creative ones still just by the old standard is too unfair for them.
（creative是形容词，应该用creativity，这段论点就限制在一定范围内了，挺好！那个用沙土做模型的例子还挺好，但过去和现在对比时用得就好像不是特别到位。。。再就是还是觉得你说理太多，其实反而没有多举两个过去和现在标准不同的事例进行对比来得更直观和形象）

In a conclusion, the development of the technology is not an excuse to blame children less creative. It also develops and creates some aspects which children have never met in the past.
（这最后一句话有点不知所谓。。。还不如说：科技让孩子的想象力更丰富，让他们更有广泛的知识面作为基础，这样应该更可能发展成creative）

如是_ivyUID：2704554

10.9  你同不同意现在的人们没有以前friendly了

Nowadays, with the rapid development of science and technology, our life have taken place a revolution thorough all the aspects. Admittedly, the levels of our life have been improved a lot. Just recall the ways we communicate with others, from the BP to the more and more advanced cell phone today. What an amazing progress! However, this development is still a double edged sword. Thus, some socialists doubt whether people today turn less friendly and more indifferent with one another. I am also worried about it.

First and foremost, to the ones around our life, we are not as friendly as people in past. The face-to-face chatting and communication is replaced by the screen or other cold machines in our life. For example, when my mom was in the college, she usually talked and played cards with her roommates in the dorm after class. While, I just face the screen more often and even rarely chat with my roommates now. Thus, when I talked about the scholarship of this semester with my roommate, she was quite surprised that I had chatted with her for such long time yesterday. It warns me to think over my life again. We may have just thought about ourselves more and relied on the new technology too much. We live in the tiny room built by the technology alone freely and quite enjoy it so as to ignore the world around us. Nonetheless, we should go out of it, and breathe the fresh air among others. Set more time and opportunities aside for our parents, roommates, friends, and so forth. All of them should be cherished.

In addition, compared to our parents and people before, not only to those acquaintances, but also to the strangers, are we not that friendly now. Despite that our life has been occupied by some dangerous things such as criminals, terrorist organizations and disasters, we've been cautious about all the people around us. Don't talk with strangers. Our parents usually tell us like this. When meeting a beggar, we doubt him firstly instead of feeling sympathy for him. When meeting a stranger asking for help, we firstly worry whether he is a cheat or a thief now. It is the tragedy of this society. We should open the warning door in our hearts and smile more to this world.



All in all, we may have strong ability than ancestors. But we lose trust. We may live a more comfortable life today than any other period before, but we lose the feeling of safety. If the development today close everyone's doors and separate us from others, I really hope that we can find the key to our doors and let the friendly sunshine in the world.

zhengping001UID：2689322

With the development of the technology and science, a revolution hascovered all the aspects of our life. The most direct change among us isthat the Toefl test(应该去掉) has becomethe internet-based test instead of the paper-based or computer-based,which makes it more convenient. Meanwhile, the rapid progresses(progress为什么要用复数) in(of) technology also have deep influences on the growing-up of children. I still remembered(remember) that when I was young, I went out to play with my friends more often, while(correspondingly)my younger cousin chats on the internet with his friends morefrequently today. Thus, quite a lot of socialists doubt that whetherthe technology will cause children show less creative than they were inpast. In my opinion, this kind of view is quite unreasonable.

To begin with, more convenient ways never equal as less creative ways.Children nowadays are often blamed as lazier ones than before. It is amajor reason that some people regard them nowadays as less creativeones, since various things can be done more directly without too muchthinking and consideration now. For instance, when I was young, I hadto make all kinds of skirts or other gadgets such as bed, bread for mydoll by myself, while children today can easily buy all these thingswhich are made by designers and special machines in the stores. Weshould not blame children less creative for that. Otherwise, we allshould be blamed as a kind of lazy creature in this world, since wehuman beings(感觉有点怪，有点像平常说话时用的方式) are always developing into less creative aspects（这后半句说的有点不知所云）. After all, our life is more and more convenient than before so that we need not do many things by ourselves. Thus, what to blame is neither the children nor the technology(这句你想表达什么？).

Besides, the ways to show creative(creativity, show是及物动词) never have a single standard. In the past, children might show creative(express their idea or enjoy their pleasure) through making the models by mud or sticks, cutting beautiful flowers by scissors and paper, and so forth. To making(make) some certain things which have gorgeous shapes by their hands was one kind of standard to evaluate children's creativities (children creativity,) in the past(这句我没看懂). However, we should change it with the age which has changed from the industrial age, to (accommodate) the knowledge(可以不要) and information age nowadays. We should not ignore that despite fewer children can make wonderful models by mud or sticks, (but) theycan make more wonderful ones through the computer procedures. To judgechildren in the modern times as the less creative ones still just bythe old standard(standards) is too unfair for them.

In a conclusion, the development of thetechnology is not an excuse to blame children less creative. It alsodevelops and creates some aspects which children have never met in thepast.

1．        可以试着用多种方式表达同一观点，很多词用得过多。
2．        兄弟的水平在我之上，可能在写时时间较紧，出现了一些小错误
3．        结构上兄弟我是没什么建议，我自己经常在这上面丢分
4．        从全文来看，有些观点和论点缺乏说服力，这是大多数人中国学生特有的思维方式所致，兄弟我也一样，一起加油。下次记得帮我改详细点，呵呵

zhangyzzzUID：2615373

Nowadays, with the rapid development of science and technology, our life have taken place a revolution thorough(through) all the aspects. Admittedly, the levels of our life have been improved a lot. Just recall the ways we communicate with others, from the BP to the more and more advanced cell phone today. What an amazing progress! However, this development is still a double edged sword. Thus, some socialists（这个就比people要细节多了，很好） doubt whether people today turn less friendly and more indifferent(好词，自己写的时候怎么就没想起来呢) with one another. I am also worried about it.% s1 W7 g1 I1 I/ Y: \/ _

0 M% p) j& E$ s# H" ~, b1 RFirst and foremost, to the ones around our life, we are not as friendly as people in past. The face-to-face chatting and communication is replaced by the screen or other cold machines in our life.（细节，佩服） For example, when my mom was in the college, she usually talked and played cards with her roommates in the dorm after class. While, I just face the screen more often and even rarely chat with my roommates now. Thus, when I talked about the scholarship of this semester with my roommate, she was quite surprised that I had chatted with her for such long time yesterday. It warns me to think over my life again. We may have just thought about ourselves more and relied on the new technology too much. We live in the tiny room built by the technology alone freely and quite enjoy it so as to ignore the world around us. Nonetheless, we should go out of it, and breathe the fresh air among others. Set more time and opportunities aside for our parents, roommates, friends, and so forth. All of them should be cherished.(这一段非常流畅，你很擅长从细节进行描写，学习了。)
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In addition, compared to our parents and people before, not only to those acquaintances（好词）, but also to the strangers, are we not that friendly now.（漂亮，插入语，not only...but also，倒装。结合得很好。） Despite that our life has（have） been occupied by some dangerous things such as criminals, terrorist organizations and disasters, we've been cautious about all the people around us. Don't talk with strangers. Our parents usually tell us like this. When meeting a beggar, we doubt him firstly instead of feeling sympathy for him. When meeting a stranger asking for help, we firstly worry whether he is a cheat or a thief now. It is the tragedy of this society. We should open the warning door in our hearts and smile more to this world.（还是细节，可以说很精彩。）
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: [, G4 m- q2 dAll in all, we may have strong ability than ancestors. But we lose trust. We may live a more comfortable life today than any other period before, but we lose the feeling of safety. If the development today close everyone's doors and separate us from others, I really hope that we can find the key to our doors and let the friendly sunshine in the world.

1. 写的很好，如果是在时间内写出来的，我觉得肯定是GOOD了。
2.细节描写非常到位，很少用空洞的词语。
3.只是感觉论证的两段主题句有些重复，递进的意思没有体现出来。别的都挺好的。

larcwingUID：2528204

12# 如是_ivy

Nowadays, with the rapid development of science and technology,（果然又是科技发展。。。;P ） our life have taken place a revolution thorough all the aspects.(A revolution has taken place in our life through all aspects.) Admittedly, the levels(level) of our life have(has) been improved a lot. Just recall the ways we communicate with others, from the BP to the more and more advanced cell phone today. What an amazing progress! However, this development is still a double edged sword. Thus, some socialists doubt whether people today turn less friendly and more indifferent with one another. I am also worried about it.

First and foremost, to the ones around our life, we are not as friendly as people in past. The face-to-face chatting and communication is replaced by the screen or other cold machines in our life. For example, when my mom was in the college, she usually talked and played cards with her roommates in the dorm after class. While, I just face the screen more often and even rarely chat with my roommates now. Thus, when I talked about the scholarship of this semester with my roommate yesterday, in the end, she was(we all got) quite surprised that I had chatted with her(we could have a conversation) for such (a) long time yesterday（搬到前面去）. It warns me to think over my life again. We may have just thought about ourselves more and relied on the new technology too much. We live in the tiny room built by the technology alone freely and quite enjoy it so as to ignore the world around us. Nonetheless, we should go out of it, and breathe the fresh air among others. Set more time and opportunities aside for our parents, roommates, friends, and so forth. All of them should be cherished.
（用事例来说明状况了，很不错！）

In addition, compared to our parents and people before（这个表达好像很奇怪。。）, not only to those acquaintances, but also to the strangers, are we（这里可以倒装吗？） not that friendly now. Despite that our life has been occupied（用这个词不好吧？用threatened？） by some dangerous things such as criminals, terrorist organizations and disasters, we've been cautious about all the people around us. "Don't talk with strangers." Our parents usually tell us like this. When meeting(seeing) a beggar (in the street), we doubt him firstly instead of feeling sympathy for him. When meeting a stranger asking for help, we firstly worry whether he is a cheat or a thief now（去掉或放在整个句子最前面）. It is the tragedy of this society. We should open the warning door（这个我觉得好像有点歧义的。。。） in our hearts and smile more to this world.

All in all, we may have strong ability than ancestors. But we lose trust.（这个短句用得好！简洁有力！） We may live a more comfortable life today than any other period before, but we lose the feeling of safety.（这个排比用得更好！） If the development today close everyone's doors and separate us from others, I really hope that we can find the key to our doors（嘎嘎，这个表达看起来好熟悉，我用过类似的;P ） and let the friendly sunshine in the world.

比起前一篇，进步很大了！！相信你也能体会用事实说理和用空洞的话说理的区别了~~举事例又简单又形象，好处多多啊~~
不过两个角度虽然想分别从acquaintance和strangers两方面来，好像还是有点不容易区分的。。。