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[主题活动] 1010G零散版友作文互改帖（Argument） [复制链接]

江雪
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发表于 2010-7-6 18:07:31 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
本帖最后由 江雪 于 2010-7-6 18:10 编辑

最近版面零散版友习作增多但很多都是零回复，特开此贴，方便零散版友互改。

保证本贴的秩序，请大家仔细阅读以下的条款，只需花2分钟即可。望大家积极配合，严格遵守互改规则，这样最终大家每一个人都是受益者。

参与对象：任何寄托版友，主要针对尚未加入任何小组的零散版友。

目标：互改作文。
原则：帮别人改一篇可获得被别人改一篇的资格，即权力与义务对等。

规则如下：
·选择楼层原则：接龙——按楼层由近及远顺序选择最近一楼的未被修改且具备被修改资格（点击每层楼左上角的“只看该作者”可知）的版友习作进行修改，一般是你修改贴的上一楼。不允许随意挑楼层的作文改，否则扣1声望。

·互改具体操作分三步
1、首先跟帖占一层楼写上“占位改**楼”的字样，但是不急着修改，以防被人占楼；
2、然后立马将自己的一篇习作跟贴发上来；
3、第三步才是返回编辑第一个帖子修改别人的文章。

·特殊情况：如果目前没有可供修改的文章，请等上一楼贴出来修改。

·违规将严惩：
A. 只允许接龙，不允许随意选择楼层修改，违者删习作（楼下尚未修改）或警告1次（楼下已修改）！
B. 占楼须立马修改，虽完成修改但未在24小时内按时完成者，扣1声望！
C. 只发习作或48小时内仍未修改他人习作者，警告1次！（累计3次警告将被自动禁止发帖30天！）
D. 修改他人习作应付差事者，视情况只加0-2声望！
E. 提倡发全文，对修改习作仅上传附件的版友，加声望会有所保留！
F. 互改两帖之外的帖子直接删除，双方有问题交流可发站内短信！

·批改要求：认真、仔细、负责。
在文中进行具体的修改，在最后提出文字上、结构上、立意上等不同方面的较为完整的评论，以及，更为重要的是，你的建议。

·习作要求：提交前首先自己用word检查语法错误并自己改到满意为止，尊重别人的时间，别人也会尊重你的时间。为方便大家阅读，可以附上自己的中文提纲。认真改作文的人可以加3-5声望。

·如何编辑？点击帖子右下方的“编辑”按钮即可对已经发上的帖子进行反复编辑。

·如何举报他人违规？请去专用的投诉＋处理贴，不要在本帖发布举报信息，以免破坏接龙规则。

再一次重申总的原则：
只有你认真修改了别人的习作，别人才会修改你的习作！
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cynthiasmile
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沙发
发表于 2010-7-6 18:17:11 |只看该作者
TOPIC: ARGUMENT209 - The following recommendation was made by the Human Resources Manager to the board of directors of the Fancy Toy Company.

"In the last three quarters of this year, under the leadership of our president, Pat Salvo, our profits have fallen considerably. Thus, we should ask for her resignation in return for a generous severance package. In Pat's place, we should appoint Rosa Winnings. Rosa is currently president of Starlight Jewelry, a company whose profits have increased dramatically over the past several years. Although we will have to pay Rosa twice the salary that Pat has been receiving, it will be well worth it because we can soon expect our profits to increase considerably."
WORDS: 503          TIME: 00:40:27          DATE: 2010/7/4 21:50:18

In this memo,the author recommends replacing Pat Salvo,the current president in Fancy Toy Company,with Rosa Winnings,the president of Starlight Jewelry with twice the salary.To support his recommendation,the author cites that the Fancy Toy Company`s profits have declined during the last three quarters ,while Srarlight Jewelry`s profits have increased dramatically over the past several years.Close scrutiny of each of these facts, however, reveals that none of them lend credible support to the recommendation.
A threshold problem with the argument incolces that the author fails to provide any evidence to convince me Pat was the cause of Fancy Toy`s declining profits. Perhaps all the toy companies in this country suffered from formidable doldrums due to the economic depression.Or the costs of materials or labor have increased beyong control.Or more possiblly,perhaps other new toy companies were plunged in  vicious circle for the seriously violent competition , which invited the local depression. In other words, problems such as these might present insurmountable obstacles that prevented Fancy Toy Company's economy developing.
Yet another problem with the argument invovles that the mere fact that Starlight Jewelry`s profits have increased dramatically over the past several years hardly suffices to prove that it`s because of Rosa Winning`s leadership.It`s entirely possible that all jewelry businesses have prospered recently,regardless of the abilities of the president.Or perhaps Starlight Jewelry's competitive opponent firms and companies moved to other cities or even went bankrupt.In short, without accounting for other factors that might contribute to the increase in profits,the author can`t justify the claim .
Finally, even if we admit Rosa Winnings`  abilities in leading the Starlight Jewelry Company,the argument still fails to convince us by resting on a poor assumption that Rosa`s abilities are suitable for the Fancy Toy Company as well.Commen sense tells us that these two companies aims at different kind of consumer groups results in big difference in the distribution of products, and in the management expertise.Additionally, no evidence demonstrated that whether the ability of Rosa is worthy the salary she receives, perhaps the extra money will become the burden of Fancy Toy Company for it has already suffered a decline in profits.What`s more, it always take much time for a new leader to know about the company ,the staff,to enhance the prestige and to decide a new way to devolpe the company.This all may  distract attention from the coming chances and competitions for Fancy Toy Company.
In sum, the editorial relies on a series of dubious assumptions, which render it wholly unpersuasive. To further bolster the author's claims he or she must provide clear evidence such as comparing to another company with equal economic strength in the same period of time,the Fancy Toy Company really did a bad job,and Rosa Winning`s abilities will transfer to the toy business.In order to better evaluate the argument,we would need more information about how Pat and Rosa played the leadership role in each of the two conpanies and the objective and just judgements on each of the two conpanies` performance in the period under their leadership.
【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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方方土
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受到警告 板凳
发表于 2010-7-6 23:39:18 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 方方土 于 2010-7-7 19:42 编辑

此前粘贴作文为错误发帖，请版主及各位板油谅解，请先批改cythiasmile的arguement209

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江雪
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荣誉版主 Virgo处女座 GRE斩浪之魂 GRE守护之星

地板
发表于 2010-7-7 18:24:39 |只看该作者
占一楼作文
TOPIC: ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.

"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music dir ...
方方土 发表于 2010-7-6 23:39


是先修改你楼上的作文，再贴你自己的作文。

楼下注意，请从二楼的argu改起。
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海王泪 + 2 话说我也PM了3楼让他尽快修改

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loujing001
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5楼
发表于 2010-7-7 23:06:46 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 loujing001 于 2010-7-7 23:12 编辑

改二楼

TOPIC: ARGUMENT209 - The following recommendation was made by the Human Resources Manager to the board of directors of the Fancy Toy Company.

"In the last three quarters of this year, under the leadership of our president, Pat Salvo, our profits have fallen considerably. Thus, we should ask for her resignation in return for a generous severance package. In Pat's place, we should appoint Rosa Winnings. Rosa is currently president of Starlight Jewelry, a company whose profits have increased dramatically over the past several years. Although we will have to pay Rosa twice the salary that Pat has been receiving, it will be well worth it because we can soon expect our profits to increase considerably."
WORDS: 503          TIME: 00:40:27          DATE: 2010/7/4 21:50:18

In this memo, the author recommends replacing Pat Salvo, the current president in Fancy Toy Company, with Rosa Winnings, the president of Starlight Jewelry with twice the salary. 感觉这句应该点明用Rosa替换Pat的目的，是为了增加公司利润。因为全文都是讨论Rosa/Pat的领导与公司利润的关系。 To support his recommendation, the author cites that the Fancy Toy Company’s profits have declined during the last three quarters, while Starlight Jewelry’s profits have increased dramatically over the past several years. Close scrutiny of each of these facts, however, reveals that none of them lend credible support to the recommendation.

A threshold problem with the argument includes?that the author fails to provide any evidence to convince me Pat was the cause of Fancy Toy’s declining profits. Perhaps all the toy companies in this country suffered from formidable doldrums due to the economic depression. Or the costs of materials or labor have increased beyond control. Or more possibly, perhaps other new toy companies were plunged in vicious circle for the seriously violent competition, which invited the local depression. In other words, problems such as these might present insurmountable obstacles that prevented Fancy Toy Company's economy developing. 个人感觉economy developing是国家、社会范围的，用在单个公司上好像不太合适。 另外，Rat只在任三个季度，未满一年，而玩具销售可能会受到季度的影响，比如玩具在圣诞节期间很可能就比其他时间卖得好，而这一季度的利润可能就会比其他季度高。

Yet another problem with the argument involves that the mere fact that Starlight Jewelry’s profits have increased dramatically over the past several years hardly suffices to prove that it’s because of Rosa Winning’s leadership. It’s entirely possible that all jewelry businesses have prospered recently, regardless of the abilities of the president. Or perhaps Starlight Jewelry's competitive opponent firms and companies moved to other cities or even went bankrupt. In short, without accounting for other factors that might contribute to the increase in profits, the author can’t justify the claim. 这段和上一段在思路上相似，有点重复的感觉。我觉得可以这么写：同理，Starlight Jewelry的利润增长也不一定是由于Rosa的领导。而且，Rose是现任总裁，但并不意味着她在过去几年Starlight Jewelry利润增长的时候就当上了总裁。

Finally, even if we admit Rosa Winnings’ abilities in leading the Starlight Jewelry Company, the argument still fails to convince us by resting on a poor assumption that Rosa’s abilities are suitable for the Fancy Toy Company as well. Common sense tells us that these two companies aim at different kind of consumer groups results in big difference in the distribution of products, and in the management expertise. Additionally, no evidence demonstrated that whether the ability of Rosa is worthy the salary she receives, perhaps the extra money will become the burden of Fancy Toy Company for it has already suffered a decline in profits. What’s more, it always takes much time for a new leader to know about the company, the staff, to enhance the prestige and to decide a new way to develop the company. 这点我没有想到。This all may distract attention from the coming chances and competitions for Fancy Toy Company. 最后这句好像离主题有点远，或者在后面加一句：给他们公司带来其他的，甚至可能是更严重的问题。

In sum, the editorial relies on a series of dubious assumptions, which render it wholly unpersuasive. To further bolster the author's claims he or she must provide clear evidence such as comparing to another company with equal economic strength in the same period of time, the Fancy Toy Company really did a bad job, and Rosa Winning’s abilities will transfer to the toy business. In order to better evaluate the argument, we would need more information about how Pat and Rosa played the leadership role in each of the two companies and the objective and just judgments on each of the two companies` performance in the period under their leadership.最后一句，and the objective这里有点难懂。


文章结构很清晰，先分别论述两个公司利润变化的原因不一定是总裁造成的，然后退一步说即使是由总裁造成，换人也不一定能解决问题，最后提出改进的建议。语言方面，作者的水平比我高，很多单词是我不会用甚至不认识的。不过，除了少数拼写错误（用红色标出），文章里还有一些标点错误：缺少逗号、句号后面的空格；撇号有误，应该用引号键。最后，我的建议，也是我最近看范文的体会，从题目中寻找证据推翻题目的结论是一种很高级的办法。
这是我第一次改作文，不足之处还请版主版友指出。

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loujing001
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6楼
发表于 2010-7-7 23:11:36 |只看该作者
TOPIC: ARGUMENT51 - The following appeared in a medical newsletter.

"Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain. This hypothesis has now been proved by preliminary results of a study of two groups of patients. The first group of patients, all being treated for muscle injuries by Dr. Newland, a doctor who specializes in sports medicine, took antibiotics regularly throughout their treatment. Their recuperation time was, on average, 40 percent quicker than typically expected. Patients in the second group, all being treated by Dr. Alton, a general physician, were given sugar pills, although the patients believed they were taking antibiotics. Their average recuperation time was not significantly reduced. Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment."
WORDS: 427          TIME: 01:26:05          DATE: 2010-7-5 23:06:30

The notion that antibiotics cure secondary infections after severe muscle strain so as to shorten the recuperation time seems an obvious conclusion at the first glance. After all, antibiotics are intended to kill bacteria to threat infections. However, the conclusion that taking antibiotics as part of the treatment shorten the healing time of patients with muscle strain may mask other, and potentially more significant causes of the different healing times, and may inspire doctors and patients' abuse of antibiotics.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, there are two groups of patients anticipated in the study: the first group took antibiotics throughout their treatment; the second group was given sugar pills instead of antibiotics. The arguer presumes that sugar pills have no effect at all, so antibiotics may have some beneficial effect to infections as the first group recovered quicker than the second one on average.  However, there is absolutely no information provided about the effect of sugar pills. It is at least likely that sugar pills do harm to the healing from infections or/and muscle strain, and prevented patients in the second group from healing quickly.

Second, the argument is weakened by the fact that it does not concern about the differences between the two doctors -- Dr. Newland and Dr. Alton in the study. Dr. Newland is more professional on curing muscle strain whereas Dr. Alton has broader medicine knowledge. As we know that some psychological effect may be significant in treatment, it is possible that a patient recovers fast if he trusts in his doctor and believes the doctor's treatment is effective. So, maybe a specialized doctor, such as Dr. Newland, is more trustable to patients, especially those who are severely injured and recover quickly after his treatment. Also, an ineffective treatment, such as sugar pills, may reduce patients' trust in the doctor so as to lengthen the recuperation time.

The study does not take into account the different severity of muscle strain. Neither does it consider whether the anticipants were suffered from secondary infections. So it is not clear that whether the antibiotics help curing secondary infections after severe muscle strain or the muscle strain itself.

Finally, there is absolutely no evidence demonstrated that antibiotics have beneficial effects to all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain. For example, a simple rest and less movement may have the same benefits as an expensive treatment of antibiotics. Before patients who suffer from muscle strain are recommended to use antibiotics as part of their treatment, a clear understanding of the beneficial effect provided by antibiotics is needed.

先谢谢后面的同学了！

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奔跑的阿甘
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受到警告 7楼
发表于 2010-7-8 12:57:38 |只看该作者
issue  165                    In any given field, the leading voices come from people who are motivated not by conviction but by the desire to respect opinions and ideas that differ from those held by majority.


The speaker asserts that the leading voices are from individuals who are motivated by the desire to respect opinions and ideas which are greatly different from those held by majority in any given field.It has merit from a normative standpoint, and I agree insofar as unique ideas are the root cause of innovations. However, this assertion is indisfensible since certain areas inherently call for convinction when it comes to others’ standpoints.
It is trule that the speaker’s assertion that the motivation for leaders is the desire to pesent unique opinions and ideas which the majority do not share in common is quite compelling. We cannot deny the fact that numerous great contributions to science and technology arise from ideas or opinions that sharply differ from the views held by the majority. The advances in this field only lead to the challenge to conventional theories. For example, both Newton and Einstain refused to accept certain physics laws of the day undiscrimately. To the contrary, they redefined these laws according to their new findings and understantding, which the majority of people did not share in common at that time. As it turns out, it is the Newton’s motivation law that contributes to the development of mechanics; it is the Einstain’s relative theory that makes great contributions to the progress of society. So does the field of arts. Those who eventually become the leading artists are those who departed from established rules of composition, such as Dali, Picasso and so forth. Besides, our most influential musicians seem to be different from the majority as well. Consider, for example, jazz pioneers—lonius monk and miles davis, who gave up all the harmonic laws, as well as folk musician poet—bob dalan, who built a new criteria for lyricism.

Beyond the concession, nevertheless, I disagree with the statement because ceratain other fields inherently require conviction in terms of the views held by the majority. Consider, for example, the politic area. The consequse will be entirely opposite when politicians present opinions that greatly differ from those held by general populace. After all, all citizens wish to lead a desirable life, opposing the average people’s position would to be opposite of happy life which will be surely rejected. The leading voices will come from people who can ensure every individual to enjoy better living standards.

Yet, important as originality and individuality are, to be different from the majority should not be a goal for its own sake, the goal should be the search for truth itself. Otherwise, it will be pretty dangerous. People will create bogus things without reasonable knowledge and theory, which are not innovations that make breakthrough compared with the past. Sometimes innovations might not be accepted by the people of the day, nonetheless, they are of potential values. Return to the example mentioned above, although einstain’s relative theories denied cerain conventional physics laws, they were created on the basis of the physics system. Einstain discovered the truth and thus gave birth to relative theory rather than the purpose for difference own sake. Eventually, as it turns out, scientists have proven their value.

In sum, I concede that the speaker’s assertion that leading voices often come from people who have unique standpoints is right, after all, original ideas might result in innovations. Nevertheless, the speaker unnecessarily extents its range to embrace all fields. In fact, it does not work in certain areas like politic. Moreover, we should not be different for the purse of difference own sake. Original views are based on truth.

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奔跑的阿甘
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8楼
发表于 2010-7-8 13:18:37 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 奔跑的阿甘 于 2010-7-8 14:01 编辑

TOPIC: ARGUMENT51 - The following appeared in a medical newsletter.

"Doctors have long suspected that secondary infections may keep some patients from healing quickly after severe muscle strain. This hypothesis has now been proved by preliminary results of a study of two groups of patients. The first group of patients, all being treated for muscle injuries by Dr. Newland, a doctor who specializes in sports medicine, took antibiotics regularly throughout their treatment. Their recuperation time was, on average, 40 percent quicker than typically expected. Patients in the second group, all being treated by Dr. Alton, a general physician, were given sugar pills, although the patients believed they were taking antibiotics. Their average recuperation time was not significantly reduced. Therefore, all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain would be well advised to take antibiotics as part of their treatment."
WORDS: 427          TIME: 01:26:05          DATE: 2010-7-5 23:06:30

The notion that antibiotics cure secondary infections after severe muscle strain so as to shorten the recuperation time seems an obvious conclusion at the first glance. After all, antibiotics are intended to kill bacteria to threat／ｐｒｅｖｅｎｔ infections. However, the conclusion that taking antibiotics as part of the treatment shortenｓ the healing time of patients with muscle strain may mask other, and potentially more significant causes of／ｆｏｒ the different healing times／ｃｏｎｖａｌｅｓｃｅｎｃｅ, and may（ｅｖｅｎ） inspire／ａｒｏｕｓｅ　doctors and patients' abuse of antibiotics.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, there are two groups of patients anticipated／ｐａｒｔｉｃｉｐａｔｅｄ in the study: the first group took antibiotics throughout their treatment; the second group was given sugar pills instead of antibiotics. The arguer presumes that sugar pills have no effect at all, so antibiotics may have some beneficial effect to infections as the first group recovered quicker than the second one on average.  However, there is absolutely no information provided about the effect of sugar pills. It is at least likely that sugar pills do harm to the healing from infections or/and muscle strain, and prevented patients in the second group from healing quickly.

Second, the argument is weakened by the fact that it does not concern about the differences between the two doctors -- Dr. Newland and Dr. Alton in the study. Dr. Newland is more professional on／ｉｎ curing muscle strain whereas Dr. Alton has broader medicine knowledge. As we know that some psychological effect may be significant in treatment, it is possible that a patient recovers fast if he trusts in his doctor and believes the doctor's treatment is effective. So, maybe a specialized doctor, such as Dr. Newland, is more trustable to patients, especially those who are severely injured and recover quickly after his treatment. Also, an ineffective treatment, such as sugar pills, may reduce patients' trust in the doctor so as to lengthen the recuperation time. （文中已经说了病人以为自己在服用抗生素）

The study does not take into account the different severity of muscle strain. Neither does it consider whether  anticipants／ｐａｔｉｅｎｔｓ were suffered／ｓｕｆｆｅｒ from secondary infections. So it is not clear that whether the antibiotics help curing／ｃｕｒｅ secondary infections after severe muscle strain or the muscle strain itself.

Finally, there is absolutely no evidence demonstrated that antibiotics have beneficial effects to all patients who are diagnosed with muscle strain. For example, a simple rest and／ｏｒ less movement may have the same benefits as an expensive treatment of antibiotics. Before patients who suffer from muscle strain are recommended to use antibiotics as part of their treatment, a clear understanding of the beneficial effect provided by antibiotics is needed.

错误逻辑基本找到，还有一个是，作者认为二次感染延缓了康复，所以前提是大家都遭受了二次感染。另一个是病人的资料没有，包括性别、年龄、体质，也许抗生素不起作用，而仅仅是因为年轻以及身体棒而提前康复。
你的措词造句是否应当再提高点呢，整篇读下来不是很舒服。（恕我直言）

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追梦小木耳
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9楼
发表于 2010-7-8 18:02:52 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 追梦小木耳 于 2010-7-8 18:07 编辑

站位改8楼

~~晕，8楼写的是issue~~
怎么办？？

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追梦小木耳
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10楼
发表于 2010-7-8 18:04:08 |只看该作者
我的14
The following appeared in a memo from the owner of Green Thumb Gardening Center, a small business serving a suburban town.

“There is evidence that consumers are becoming more and more interested in growing their own vegetables. A national survey conducted last month indicated that many consumers were dissatisfied with the quality of fresh vegetables available in supermarkets. And locally, the gardening magazine Great Gardens has sold out at the Village News stand three months in a row. Thus, we at Green Thumb Gardening Center can increase our profits by greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds we stock for gardeners this coming spring.”

Word:421

The argument appears to be logical to conclude that consumers are becoming interested in growing vegetables based on the evidence. However，the proofs provided are not sufficient and convincing. Therefore, the decision made by Green Thumb Gardening Center of expanding the variety of vegetable seeds in order to increase profits is hasty.

First, the evidence given in the argument are not warranted. There exist other explanations for the increasing number of complains and the popularity of the gardening magazines. A percentage of individuals’ dissatisfaction with the quality of fresh vegetables does not indicate their growing interest in growing vegetables by themselves. Perhaps, the purpose of the survey is to demonstrate the consumers’ desire toward the supermarkets to supply quality vegetables. Moreover, the selling out of the gardening magazine may be contributed by other factors rather than residens’ increasing interest in growing vegetables. Such factors include the excellent works of some new editors who made the magazine more attractive, or some promoting measures have been taken by the sellers in order to raise the sails.

Second, the way in which the survey was conducted is questionable. It is largely possible that most people involved in the survey were from big cities with large population. Most of them were bothered by the quality of vegetables in supermarkets, while in the suburban town, the case is totally different. Consequently, before making decisions ,  the gardening center should evaluate local situations and make surveys among the inhabitants rather than according to the nationwide survy.

Finally, it is hasty for the gardening center to make the decision to expand the variety of vegetables in order to enhance profits based on the conclusion. Even if it is true that larger proportion of residents are spending their spare time in growing vegetables, the gardening center needs to know which kinds of vegetables are most popular with their customers. Are they trying to fill their gardens with various vegetables or only crazy about one specific kind? Are there any other companies in the region who have been supplying vegetable seeds to the local people? Before any decisions are made, the gardening center must consider these factors. Otherwise, it would be difficult to make any profits.

To sum up, the argument fails to provide sufficient evidence to support the conclusion that a growing number of people are taking interest in growing vegetables. And the decision to increase profit lacks careful consideration. To make the argument forceful, the arguer needs to study the market deeply and include all possible alternatives

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荣誉版主 Taurus金牛座 GRE梦想之帆 德意志之心

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发表于 2010-7-8 18:48:16 |只看该作者
为了督促这个小朋友参加互改，那个我改了一篇可不可以发到这里呢？我已经PM他让他来这里改文了。
原帖链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1119673-1-2.html

ARGUMENT 181
181. From aletter to the editor of a city newspaper.
"Onerecent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep thanthey are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students inour city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As away of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should beginclasses at 8:30 A.M.instead of 7:30 A.M.,and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students anextra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and moreproductive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and otherassignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly."

The authorof the letter cites one research indicated that adolescents need more hours tosleep, and one study in high school of our city which showed that the studentsare not satisfied with their own academic performance. Hence the editorsuggested delaying one hour to start school and one hour to end. With this newarrangement, the editor claimed that the student will have an extra hour ofsleep, thereby are more productive during their study time. Therefore, the authorasserted the students will performance better on tests and significantlyimproves their academic skills. Carefully examination the supporting evidence,however, reveals that it tends little credible support to the author.



Firstly, accordingto the study, the students are not satisfied with their performance at school,but the author overlooks to provide us information of the students, who thoughtthey could perform better. For example whether they have sufficient hours ofsleep or not, or whether they complain about hours of sleep they have now andwant to have more time for sleeping. Moreover it is also entirely possible thatthey are strict with themselves and eager to make progress everyday. Withoutproviding the sleep information about the students who are not satisfied withthemselves and rolling out other possible reasons why they are not content withtheir performance, the author is hard to convince us.



Secondly, theauthor has confidence that the high school students will have one more hour tosleep by postponing one hour later to get to school. However, one hour’s delayto go to school can not make sure of one hour more sleep to students. Due to thedelay of end time of the school, the time for sleep, perhaps, is postponed aswell. For example, they spend the same time on finishing their assignments andthen go to bed, so they still can not obtain an extra hour of sleep. If theirwaking up time in the morning is significantly influenced by their biologicalclocks, which will be even worse, their sleeping time will be shorted by thenew arrangement. Hence, it is hard for us to accept that with the newarrangement, the students will have an extra hour of sleeping in the morning.

Finally, theauthor could not say that the student will dramatically increase their academicskills, although we conceded that students, with more hours of sleep, are morealert and more productive than before. It is widely known that the academicskills including how to find problems, using what kind of method to analyze andfinally solve the problems. Only more alert and productive is not enough to ensurestudents will improve their academic skills. Without providing that studentswill improve their capacity of finding, analyzing and solving the problems, itcan not convince us that more alert and productive will improve their abilityof academic skills.



In sum, theconclusion reached in this letter is invalid and misleading. To make itlogically acceptable, the author should provide us the evidence that thearrangement ensures one hour more sleeping time indeed. Moreover, the authorshould provide numerical result of the students' performance of academic skillscompared with old time arrangement. In addition, it, in this letter, shouldcontain sleeping information of students who are not pleased with their ownperformance, and the real reason of their discontent.



181. From a letter to the editor of a city newspaper.
"One recent research study has indicated that many adolescents need more sleep than they are getting, and another study has shown that many high school students in our city are actually dissatisfied with their own academic performance. As away of combating these problems, the high schools in our city should begin classes at 8:30 A.M. instead of 7:30 A.M., and end the school day an hour later. This arrangement will give students an extra hour of sleep in the morning, thereby making them more alert and more productive. Consequently, the students will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly."

蓝色为我做的结构标志词
绿色为我的建议
红色为有问题的地方
原则上语法句式错误，只做部分标记，主要看逻辑！
The author of the letter cites one research indicated that adolescents need more hours to sleep, and one study in high school of our city which showed that the students are not satisfied with their own academic performance.[建议表达方式改变一下] Hence the editor suggested delaying one hour to start school and one hour to end. With this new arrangement, the editor claimed that the student will have an extra hour of sleep, thereby are more productive during their study time. Therefore, the author asserted the students will performance better on tests and significantly improves their academic skills. Carefully examination the supporting evidence, however, reveals that it tends little credible support to the author.
开头写得很普通，基本是对题目的复述。给你推荐一个个人认为不错的开头方式，仅供参考。
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=920961&highlight=


Firstly, according to the study, the students are not satisfied with their performance at school, but the author overlooks to provide us information of the students, who thought they could perform better. For example whether they have sufficient hour’s of sleep or not, or whether they complain about hours of sleep[这是要表达什么？] they have now and want to have more time for sleeping[这里最好是用sleep, for sleeping多是形容一个物体的，比如Only use your bed for sleeping.]. Moreover it is also entirely possible that they are strict with themselves and eager to make progress everyday. Without providing the sleep information about the students who are not satisfied with themselves and rolling out other possible reasons why they are not content with their performance, the author is hard to convince us.
[你看我蓝色标出的两个关于information的内容，这其实是两码事，要一致。
这段来看，你是要表达学生对成绩不满意或许与睡眠不足无关。论述说实话不是太有力，比如两句and前后表达的意思基本一样，这是写作为不是做填空，两边最好突出并列的关系。对于alternative explains的阐述还可以再深入些。
这里其实还有一个重要的前提，作者就认为学生成绩确实不好，而且与睡眠不足有关。你的文章中提到可能是学生对自己要求高，这也就是说未必真的成绩不好。这个点不该忽略。
语言方面还待提高，这是个慢功夫，要先避免中式英语。]

Secondly, the author has confidence that the high school students will have one more hour to sleep by postponing one hour later to get to school. However, one hour’s delay to go to school can not[避免太绝对化的语言] make sure of one hour more sleep to students. Due to the delay of end time of the school, the time for sleep, perhaps, is postponed as well. [这里表达不清楚啊]For example, they spend the same time on finishing their assignments and then go to bed, so they still can not obtain an extra hour of sleep. If their waking up time in the morning is significantly influenced by their biological clocks, which will be even worse, their sleeping time will be shorted by the new arrangement.[表达不清楚] Hence, it is hard for us to accept that with the new arrangement, the students will have an extra hour of sleeping in the morning.
[这段是要说，改变上学的时间未必能延长睡眠。这个攻击点本是没有问题的，但是，论述有些问题。首先是逻辑连词的用的不好，一层层的关系没有体现出来；还有就是表达不清楚，让人不知所云；再者，论据要充实，这种题目的alternative explains要丰富，你想想不能延长睡眠难道只能有做作业这一个原因么？其实，这个原因也不好。这只能说是符合中国基本国情，美国的青少年没这么痛苦吧？你可以考虑下诸如，晚到学校未必晚起床啊，或许起来多玩一会儿，那么上课更累了，从而影响学习。我只是简单举个例子，你还可以多想想。]

Finally, the author could not say that the student will dramatically increase their academic skills, although we conceded that students, with more hours of sleep, are more alert and more productive than before. It is widely known that the academic skills including how to find problems, using what kind of method to analyze and finally solve the problems. Only more alert and productive is not enough to ensure students will improve their academic skills. Without providing that students will improve their capacity of finding, analyzing and solving the problems, it can not convince us that more alert and productive will improve their ability of academic skills.
[这里似乎有些跑题，这个题目的关键还是睡眠对其它方面的影响。你这里单是谈alert and more productive而抛开睡眠是不合适的，有些钻牛角尖的意味。抓住核心问题！]
In sum, the conclusion reached in this letter is invalid and misleading. To make illogically acceptable, the author should provide us the evidence that the arrangement ensures one hour more sleeping time indeed. Moreover, the author should provide numerical result of the students' performance of academic skills compared with old time arrangement. In addition, it, in this letter, should contain sleeping information of students who are not pleased with their own performance, and the real reason of their discontent.
[结尾就不看了哦]

LZ对题目的分析把握还是比较到位的。此题是由两个study结果的结合来产生出作者的猜想，从而引出解决方案。那么你的入手点应该是先把作者认为的两个study的必然联系解除，这点你在第二段做到了，但是要更加有说服力！这样它的前提是攻破了。接着就说它的应对方案的问题，你在这里的论述还要加强！然后就其方案的预期结果来说，它的预期结果是，睡的多了will perform better on tests and other assignments, and their academic skills will improve significantly，那你就说它睡得多也未必能达到这样的效果。
整体看作为新手写得还是蛮不错的，在语言方面要加强，多看看范文，看人家是如何展开论述的。加油！

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12楼
发表于 2010-7-8 21:17:50 |只看该作者
本帖最后由 tyarel 于 2010-7-9 20:58 编辑

改11L的Argument 14


The argument appears to be logical to conclude that consumers are becoming interested in growing vegetables based on the evidence. However，the proofs provided are not sufficient and convincing. Therefore, the decision made by Green Thumb Gardening Center of expanding the variety of vegetable seeds in order to increase profits is hasty.

First, the evidence given in the argument are(is) not warranted. There exist other explanations for the increasing number of complains and the popularity of the gardening magazines. A percentage of individuals’ dissatisfaction with the quality of fresh vegetables does not indicate their growing interest in growing vegetables by themselves. Perhaps, the purpose of the survey is to demonstrate the consumers’ desire toward the supermarkets to supply quality vegetables. Moreover, the selling out of the gardening magazine may be contributed by(to) other factors rather than residents’ increasing interest in growing vegetables. Such factors include the excellent works of some new editors who made the magazine more attractive, or some promoting measures have been taken by the sellers in order to raise the sails(sales).

Second, the way in which the survey was conducted is questionable. It is largely possible that most people involved in the survey were from big cities with large population. Most of them were bothered by the quality of vegetables in supermarkets(这句感觉有点奇怪，是想表达“他们确实对质量不满”？), while in the suburban town, the case is totally different. Consequently, before making decisions ,  the gardening center should evaluate local situations and make surveys among the inhabitants rather than according to the nationwide survy(survey).

Finally, it is hasty for the gardening center to make the decision to expand the variety of vegetables in order to enhance profits based on the conclusion. Even if it is true that larger proportion of residents are spending their spare time in growing vegetables, the gardening center needs to know which kinds of vegetables are most popular with their customers. Are they trying to fill their gardens with various vegetables or only crazy about one specific kind? Are there any other companies in the region who have been supplying vegetable seeds to the local people? Before any decisions are made, the gardening center must consider these factors. Otherwise, it would be difficult to make any profits.

To sum up, the argument fails to provide sufficient evidence to support the conclusion that a growing number of people are taking interest in growing vegetables. And the decision to increase profit(the variety of vegetable seeds这个是decision的内容吧？这里to后面的内容理解上有可能产生歧义) lacks careful consideration. To make the argument forceful, the arguer needs to study the market deeply and include all possible alternatives.

总的来说，点抓得还是蛮准的，思路很清晰。个人感觉第一段可以拆分开来，原文中survey和杂志本来就是作为2个不同的论据的，所以还是分开分析比较恰当，并一块感觉有点混乱。
然后稍有些拼写的小错误，当心一点就是了，比我好多了=.=
最后对本人的分析提一点我自己的看法

对于survey，即使确实可以表达居民对于超市蔬菜的不满，也不能说明他们会自己种菜。可能选择别的途径，市场？或者还是在超市买，因为比自己种方便？
对于杂志脱销，也可以有别的原因，比如当地杂志市场竞争不强？该类杂志只有这么一种？或者杂志本身进货量就非常非常小？脱销完全不说明它在该地居民中广受欢迎。即使受欢迎也可能是别的原因造成的。
对于survey的代表性问题，还可以质疑结果当中many的概念，太模糊？然后就是对于自己种蔬菜是什么态度调查也没提及？另外就是菜价调查的人数，普遍性的问题了。


这些就是我在看到这篇argument的题干时另外想到的反驳内容，权当小小的补充希望有用
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发表于 2010-7-8 21:19:09 |只看该作者
TOPIC: ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.



"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."

WORDS: 460         TIME: 00:46:23          DATE: 2010/7/8 20:28:10



Based on the success of the school band and the improvement of music facilities quality during Mr. Charles 5 years' duration in Steel City High School (SCHS), the author recommended Mr. Schade to the Saluda school as the director of the general music education programs. Yet, close scrutiny all the evidence mentioned in the argument reveals that it is not as convincing as it seems at first glance.



Foremost, the author attributed the school band's success to Mr. Schade, which is not persuasive actually. Maybe the band is so excellent that it is always one of the best bands in the area and Mr. Charles did little to the band, which cannot show his talent and capacity to lead and direct the band. What's more, the author failed to illustrate the equal level of the bands in the area. It is entirely likely that all the bands are terrible, or at least not good enough, and that's why the band of SCHS can win so many times. With so many potential contributors, it is tough to assess what Mr. Schade contributed to the school band of SCHS.



Moreover, another fact the author stated as evidence to support his suggestion is also not that potent. Admittedly, the quality of music facilities has been improved. However, the author didn't exclude other factors which may result in the development either. Perhaps the school board decided to develop the school band and it is them, not Mr. Schade, who made the decision and spent a great amount of money to better the instruments. Besides that, all these new instrument may be donated by the musical instrument company trying to advertise through the band. That’s why it is too rashly to conclude that the improvement is Mr. Charles's contribution.



Even if all addressed above are what Mr. Schade did for the SCHS, it is not reasonable to draw the conclusion that he will fit the position in the Saluda school. No evidence has been shown to point out that Mr. Schade has experience of planning and directing general music education programs for the entire school system. The job is harder and more complicated, compared with what his former one. The problems the author pointed out that Mr. Schade handled perfectly is quite different from what he will face in the new position. He probably just can tackle the problems of a school band and have no energy to direct the entire music education program. Hence, lacking the evidence that Mr. Schade did the same work great, I cannot be persuaded that he will be proper to the position.



All in all, the author didn't list the enough evidence to bolster his recommendation and the argument will be strengthened if he can offer more facts to demonstrate that Mr. Schade is talented and experienced enough to direct the music education program for Saluda school.

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发表于 2010-7-9 06:45:12 |只看该作者
改14楼
Based on the success of the school band and the improvement of music facilities quality during Mr. Charles 5 years' duration in Steel City High School (SCHS), the author recommended Mr. Schade to the Saluda school as the director of the general music education programs. Yet, close scrutiny(scrutinizing) all the evidence mentioned in the argument reveals that it is not as convincing as it seems at first glance.

Foremost, the author attributed the school band's success to Mr. Schade, which is not persuasive actually.(知道你想说什么，但此处用which不好，指代不明确） Maybe the band is so excellent that it is always one of the best bands in the area and Mr. Charles did little to the band, which cannot show his talent and capacity to lead and direct the band. What's more, the author failed to illustrate the equal level of the bands in the area. (?) It is entirely likely that all the bands are terrible(their skill), or at least not good enough, and that's why the band of SCHS can win so many times. With so many potential contributors, it is tough to assess what (whether) Mr. Schade contributed to the school band of SCHS.

Moreover, another fact the author stated as evidence to support his suggestion is also not that potent. Admittedly, the quality of music facilities has been improved. However, the author didn't exclude other factors which may result in the development either. Perhaps the school board decided to develop the school band and it is them, not Mr. Schade, who made the decision（是不是想说不是Mr.Schade 的功劳） and spent a great amount of money to better the instruments. Besides that, all these new instrument may be donated by the musical instrument company trying to advertise through the band. That’s why(怎么和前面的连接） it is too rashly to conclude that the improvement is Mr. Charles's contribution.

Even if all addressed above are what Mr. Schade did for the SCHS, it is not reasonable to draw the conclusion that he will fit the position in the Saluda school. No evidence has been shown to point out that Mr. Schade has experience of planning and directing general music education programs for the entire school system. The job is harder and more complicated, compared with what （删）his former one. The problems the author pointed out that Mr. Schade handled perfectly is quite different from what he will face in the new position（the problem 那儿前半句看不明白）. He probably just can tackle the problems of a school band and have no energy to direct the entire music education program. Hence, lacking the evidence that Mr. Schade did the same work great（could do a tougher work equally perfectly), I cannot be persuaded that he will be proper to the position.

All in all, the author didn't list the enough evidence to bolster his recommendation and the argument will be strengthened if he can offer more facts to demonstrate that Mr. Schade is talented and experienced enough to direct the music education program for Saluda school.
(思路清晰，论证角度找得较全面，只是个别地方语言表达有些问题）
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15楼
发表于 2010-7-9 06:46:25 |只看该作者
TOPIC: ARGUMENT237 - The following appeared as part of an article in a local Beauville newspaper.

"According to a government report, last year the city of Dillton reduced its corporate tax rate by 15 percent; at the same time, it began offering relocation grants and favorable rates on city utilities to any company that would relocate to Dillton. Within 18 months, two manufacturing companies moved to Dillton, where they employ a total of 300 people. Therefore, the fastest way for Beauville to stimulate economic development and hence reduce unemployment is to provide tax incentives and other financial inducements that encourage private companies to relocate here."
WORDS: 411
TIME: 01:00:00
DATE: 2010-7-8 11:29:04

The enthusiastic author recommends a fastest way for Beauville (Be) to stimulate economy and reduce unemployment. His supporting evidences, the data during the past 18 months, an analogy between Dillton (Di) and Be, and a assertive assumption, is susceptible to query, rendering the conclusion based on them stands scant closer examination.

To begin with, is the Di model a real success? Merely the data collected within 18 months doesn't necessarily indicate an increase after the relocating private companies. Maybe there are other factors in Di rather than the new policies that appeal to them, say available raw materials, potential market shares for them, convenient transportation to other markets, the particularly cheap labor and so forth. As to the 300 employees in the two companies, are they jobless local residents or immigrants along with the companies, or native skill workers that leap from the other local plants? If it is in the last two events, the relocation of companies contributes little to reducing local unemployment.

Even if the new measures function well in Di, it is likely not the case in Be. What a company emphasizes when choose location is not only some new policies trying to allure them, but also other in-depth factors, such as the development space for it, the number of potential consumers, the cost of local labor, the prosperity of local market and the completeness of its infrastruction. All those should be given equal priority. In other words, Be may not be the first choose regardless its attractive tax incentives and other financial inducements.

Finally, the author assumes that there is not other way to boost economy other than attracting private companies to Be. For example, aimed at developing local companies, expanding their market shares and therefore recruit more employees, may works equally well, if not better. In addition, if Be is a beautiful city, or be famous for its unique culture, why not enhance the relevant infrastruction to allure more tourists, who may bring about piles of money?

Though well-intentioned, the author provides insufficient evidences to support his specious recommendation and cannot convince even me. To appeal to the masses, he should collect more statistics showing that a number of private companies managers will prefer Be if it adopt positive economic polices towards the relocation of companies. Additionally, he can survey the local tourist market and its appeal to non-residents, to conclude whether this can be a green way to stimulate local economy.

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