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本帖最后由 alexanderhe 于 2010-9-25 01:03 编辑
Nowadays, with the development of modern society, whether children should go to college for further education has become a hot issue.(开头实在太模板+流俗了吧。上大学的难道还是children吗?做决定的是他们自己,而不是父母。建议改成:Since knowledge and information are growing in importance in the modern world, people pay more attention to the issue of whether they should attend college.) People have differing reasons on why students should have to learn further education in college. (这句有几个语病,建议改成:Views on this issue vary from person to person)In my opinion, reasons why children should have college learning are based on the following aspects. (改成However, based on the following aspects could I assert that, college education is important and necessary to everyone.)
First of all, generally speaking, a college education plays an important role in a person's success. (去掉a)In colleges or universities(直接写In college), students can learn advanced levels(无s) of knowledge and skills which can not obtain(be obtained) by their (改成via)family education or social experience. These skills should be learned for them because of the future professions. (这一句有些莫名。建议改成: One is unable to succeed in his/her own field regardless of these skills)For example, if a person wants to start his career in (a) financial company, how can he complete with others whose major are financial (Finance)or accounting?! (这句不知道怎么改.....逻辑上有问题,谁说这个人就不是学finance或者accounting的了?还有,貌似?!之类的用法只在中文里出现,英文作文最好少用感叹号,毕竟是议论文不是。)As a result, I think the knowledge which obtained from colleges or universities is necessary to students who want to gain successful professional careers.(改成:Therefore, anyone who wants to be a success on professional career should take the knowledge obtained from college serious.)
Second, it is true that children can enlarge their circles when they are having college's lives. Unlike high schools, they will meet different people who come from different regions, even different countries. As a result, they can share their experiences which may dramatically different from their own. Besides, according to a lately research, conducted by the China Post, after polling thousands of postgraduates, shows that students in the same colleges, they are likely to be partners when they should start their own business career. Lots of examples can back to my point, like Bill Gates and ....., they were classmates when they were students in Harvard University, and later on, they started their own business, Microsoft.
Third, by attending the colleges, students can learn more values and principles which not from doctrine but from real life experiences. They must be responsible for all their livings. They will become more mature and independent. Besides, by working with others, they can gain the experience that how to communicate with different people with various purposes. Furthermore, they should be persistent and hardworking, because of the academic environment. Like Balzac and Beethoven, devoting their lives to the fields which they like best.
On the other hand, admittedly, a college education really has some drawbacks. For example, the people who come from underprivileged family may entail big financial burden. However, more and more governments and schools provide subsidies and part time jobs to the students who can not pay the tuitions and fees. As a result, I don't think it is a big problem to worry about.
Based on the above reasons, I think, the importance of attending the college education is obvious. Getting a university is a very important key to students' success.
只改了前两段就花了我半个小时.....不好意思没时间继续改了~给你一个思路,以后的路还长着呢,加油。 |
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