寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › 草根修改铺(楼主不在）

12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... 15 下一页

查看: 22028|回复: 213

上一主题

下一主题

[i习作temp] 草根修改铺(楼主不在） [复制链接]

bzr2915
UID: 2612029

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 67
寄托币: 1501
注册时间: 2009-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 45

电梯直达

跳转到指定楼层

楼主

发表于 2010-2-23 20:27:44 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 bzr2915 于 2010-3-28 22:20 编辑

最近坛子里的习作越来越多但是能被改的寥寥无几，本人甚感冷落，特为我们这些游魂开此活动，互改，以彰显人间真爱~

本铺规则如下，请需要被改的同学先把上一楼的文章改完后以全文的形式贴出（此过程请先占楼注明修改楼上的,改完后直接在占楼贴中编辑）然后在下一层贴上自己的习作，依次类推。（额。。如果还不懂，看一下下面的帖子应该就懂了吧。。）

为防止秩序混乱 请大家一定先看一下楼上同志发帖是否符合规则 无视规则者请忽略之 如发生断层(如有人改了楼上的但没发自己的习作）以断层楼下第一位童鞋的习作为准继续接力当然前期我会维持秩序~

PS：如果对文章有深入交流的需要，大家改完后可以留下自己的联系方式QQ等不作要求感谢的话请评分表达(推荐大家还是表达一下，改一次不容易）~

再次申明本贴拒绝无关回复！

再ps：这个过程需要你先修改别人的习作然后再贴自己的，如果你不想付出就想得到或者心有戚戚那么这里不适合你~

注意：1\本活动打破以往的互拍规则，而是以接力的形式进行互改，无视规则者其习作可被忽略。2\本活动不限于A或者I，均可开贴，不论楼下同学是否擅长A或I请改完楼上的再贴自己的习作 3\本贴拒绝无关回复 4\补充说明见二楼

已有 3 人评分	寄托币	声望	收起理由
sarawu1989		+ 1	好想法~~~
missingusa	+ 4	+ 4	作文互评
银落	+ 20	+ 5	感谢lz~

总评分: 寄托币 + 24 声望 + 10 查看全部投币

回应
0

使用道具举报

bzr2915
UID: 2612029

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 67
寄托币: 1501
注册时间: 2009-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 45

沙发

发表于 2010-2-23 20:27:58 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bzr2915 于 2010-3-28 22:20 编辑

最近人比较多，特别是第一次修改作文的童鞋，为了提高我们的修改效率，强烈建议大家学习一下修改方法详见此贴
http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=670640&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Ddigest

个人建议用不同颜色标出你的看法例如错误我的看法好句子

给别人修改的同时也是对自己功底的提高，你能发现越多的不足说明你对作文的理解层次在不断的提升，所以请大家认真修改别人的习作~ 还有一个道理很简单，大家都认真，效率就很飙升~恩，补充完毕~

我们的口号是：有回必拍！！！！！

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报

bzr2915
UID: 2612029

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 67
寄托币: 1501
注册时间: 2009-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 45

板凳

发表于 2010-2-23 20:29:52 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bzr2915 于 2010-3-16 13:00 编辑

示范我的习作，楼下的同学接力。本次改完如果没人继续，我会帮楼下童鞋修改，第一次勿虑~

使用道具举报

银落
UID: 2632560

Rank: 9 Rank: 9 Rank: 9

声望: 1107
寄托币: 19004
注册时间: 2009-4-22
精华: 3
帖子: 1040

地板

发表于 2010-2-23 21:14:57 |只看该作者

支持一下。。。
谢谢lz。。。付出一定会有回报~

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	谢谢支持~

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

sometimes miracle comes
just for my belief

使用道具举报

雷帝嘎嘎
UID: 2762504

Rank: 2

声望: 3
寄托币: 112
注册时间: 2010-2-8
精华: 0
帖子: 1

5楼

发表于 2010-2-23 23:00:13 |只看该作者

支持lz！

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	欢迎来参加此活动~

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

使用道具举报

after17
UID: 2681985

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 39
寄托币: 1317
注册时间: 2009-8-13
精华: 0
帖子: 15

6楼

发表于 2010-2-23 23:46:17 |只看该作者

支持啊，不过我没几天就要考了:mad:

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	--~ 来点行动支持一下..

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

believe myself

使用道具举报

yimingleon
UID: 2688056

Rank: 1

声望: 2
寄托币: 50
注册时间: 2009-8-24
精华: 0
帖子: 0

7楼

发表于 2010-2-24 11:29:22 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 yimingleon 于 2010-2-24 12:31 编辑

支持！

此贴修改lx文
188, （医药卫生/建议/对比）A new report suggests that men and women experience pain very differently from one another, and that doctors should consider these differences when prescribing pain medications. When researchers administered the same dosage of kappa opioids—a painkiller—to 28 men and 20 women who were having their wisdom teeth extracted, the women reported feeling much less pain than the men, and the easing of pain lasted considerably longer in women. This research suggests that kappa opioids should be prescribed for women whenever pain medication is required, whereas men should be given other kinds of pain medication. In addition, researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women。
WORDS: 516

  In the report, the author recommends that doctors should give kappa opioids to women （whenever pain medication is required少了这几个字感觉原文的荒谬性就不明显了）while men should be administered other kinds of pain medication.  In order to substantiate the report, the author cites a study showing that women reported feeling much less pain than men after administered the same dosage of kappa opioids(KO) due to their teeth pain. The author also points out that researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women. Close scrutiny of the evidence reveals that it did little credible support to the report, and therefore is unconvincing as it stands.
  Firstly, the definition of pain might be different to men and women. It is entirely possible that although women suffered the same pain as men did, women tend to choose not to report, for women did not take this kind of pain severe while men did. Therefore, without the same standard of defining pains, the pain feeling of both men and women cannot be used to illustrate KO is more effective to men or women.（逻辑清晰，没有要改的地方）
Even assuming that the definition of pain is same to men as well as women, the author unfairly assumes that women take KO when suffering pain while men should be given other kinds of pain medicine. （这个不是assume而是propose吧）On one hand, whether KO is effective to curing all kinds of pain for women remains to be unknown. It is possible that KO is only efficacious to teeth pain but play no effects on other pains like headache or stomachache. In addition, lacking evidence it is likely that KO has negative effects on the treatment of other kinds of pain except the teeth pain. If this might be the case, KO will not be the first choice for people when they feel pains like headache or stomachache and so on（and 和so连用感觉有点别扭，and可以用‘，’代替）. On the other hand, although KO might be less effective to teeth pain for men, it is likely that it produces marvelous effects to other pains. Therefore it is hasty for authors （第一段the author 于此处单复数不一致）to conclude that other kinds of pain medication should be given to men when they feel painful.（这里的论证很精彩）
  Last but not least, even if KO really makes more marked effects on teeth pain for women than for men, the author cannot assure us that the effects of all medications on men versus women needed to be revaluated. The author overlooks the possibility that all kinds of medications aside from KO have already been tested from a sufficient large sample consisting of both men and women. It might be the case that the results of revaluating all the kinds of medications remain same. Thus, revaluation will just waste money as well as time.（这段的逻辑也很清晰，不需要改动）
  To sum up, the report is not well supported. To strengthen the report, the author should provide us a standard for definition of pain. To better assess the report, the author also needs to show that whether KO is effective to all kinds of pains for women or to other kinds of pains except teeth pain for men. I would also need to know whether other kinds of medications need to be evaluated.（作者的建议是need to be reevaluated, 这里要反驳的话应该延续倒数第二段的意思，I would also need to know whether other kinds of medications have ever been evaluated）

总体评价：逻辑清晰，论证也比较有力，只有一些小的缺陷。

已有 2 人评分	声望	收起理由
leozjj	+ 1	谢谢指正@_@
bzr2915	+ 1	鼓励继续参加此活动~

总评分: 声望 + 2 查看全部投币

使用道具举报

leozjj
UID: 2757137

Rank: 2

声望: 3
寄托币: 126
注册时间: 2010-1-29
精华: 0
帖子: 0

8楼

发表于 2010-2-24 11:37:12 |只看该作者

"In an attempt to improve highway safety, Prunty County recently lowered its speed limit from 55 miles per hour to 45 on all major county roads. But the 55 mph limit should be restored, because this safety effort has failed. Most drivers are exceeding the new speed limit and the accident rate throughout Prunty County has decreased only slightly. If we want to improve the safety of our roads, we should instead undertake the same kind of road improvement project that Butler County completed five years ago: increasing lane widths and resurfacing rough roads. Today, major Butler County roads still have a 55 mph speed limit, yet there were 25 percent fewer reported accidents in Butler County this past year than there were five years ago."
WORDS: 544 TIME: 00:30:00 DATE: 2010-2-19 20:56:10

The argument contains several fatal flaws, which weaken the logic of the statement, such as the author hastily announced that PC's safety effort has failed, BC's successful experience could transplant to PC, as well as a superfical reason which related to 5 years ago lead to a lower accident rate of BC. I will point out all these logical flaws and discuss why as follows.(开头如此干净佩服）

While most drivers are exceeding 55mph and the car accidents slow down slightly, without a further study about the executive time and other roads accident cases, it is too hasty to draw the conclusion that PC's safety effort has failed. For a country, not too small, carries out a new policy need a certain time（这句话稍微有点问题吧，我觉得你想说一个政策是否有效是需要一段时间的，但你的句子读起来像是说一个政策执行是需要一段时间的，建议改成For a country, not too small,a certain period of time needed will witness whether the new policy takes effect or not）, however, the author does not mention any information about how long the new speed limit has operated. It is likely that the new policy just execute one month or less, which is short enough not to be operated effectively. Furthermore, the accident rate is too vague to accuse the new speed limit. In the argument, there is no detail（ed） information about how and where the accident occurred, it is quite possible that most accidents have occured in some other sub-roads rather than the major roads, or the main reason lead to car accidents is caused by over-alcohol during a special festival which is happened to be held in the specific survey period. Without more information and a further study about how long the project has been carried out, as well as when and where the accidents occurred, the author can not draw the conclusion.（我自己读起来觉得这段驳的很充分，非常有说服力）

In addition, even though we accept that new safety policy is not successful（？not successful? 文章里本来就说失败啊，应该假设这个政策成功吧） , there is no sufficient reasons to copy Butler County's( BC) experience to Prunty County(PC). Unless, BC and PC has ample similarities of the various variables to the car accident and the road conditions, which is not mentioned by the author at all, we can deduct that BC's experience has a positive effect to PC. In fact, it is quite possible that PC situation is very different from BC, for example, most of PC's roads are built among the mountains, whose cost are much higher than other cases, and BC's on the plain（这句读起来也好怪啊，你应该是想说在山上建马路比在其他的地方建马路花费要高，可是你的句子怎么读都觉得像是说山的花费比其他其他的地势要多，可是我也想不出帮你怎么改，你自己再斟酌一下吧）, obviously, adopting BC's measures to PC would run out an significant part of the whole country's income meanwhile speed limit is the best choice. （虽然本段只有一个例子，但至少能吧问题说清楚，不错吧）

Futhermore, though the author could substantiate BC's situation is extremely similar to PC, the argument also fails to consider other factors which could influent the accident rate of BC, such as the drivers' personal qualities and a higher punishment to traffic violation. Another point is that five years could change lot of things, whether the lane widths and resurfacing roads' effect is still working is opened to doubt. If the author can not make specific study about the real reason BC's lower accident rate, the conclusion involved in the argument can not convince the readers.（最后一段写的比较匆忙把，该有的问题点到为止，我觉得也蛮好的）

To sum up, the argument, while it seems logical at first glance, has some flaws as discussed. It would be improved by providing a specific statement about the process of safety effort. It could also be more acceptable by providing a convince evidence to prove and point out that BC and PC are comparable and BC's fundamental successful experience.
总体来说这是篇论证很充分的argument，而且lz的语言水平也很高！！！第一次帮人家改再加上楼主的水平已经非常high了，所以才改不出什么问题，还望谅解@_@

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	感谢你的修改~加油

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

使用道具举报

leozjj
UID: 2757137

Rank: 2

声望: 3
寄托币: 126
注册时间: 2010-1-29
精华: 0
帖子: 0

9楼

发表于 2010-2-24 11:45:13 |只看该作者

随便拿了篇作文。。。请后面的童鞋也随便提点意见。。。

188, （医药卫生/建议/对比）A new report suggests that men and women experience pain very differently from one another, and that doctors should consider these differences when prescribing pain medications. When researchers administered the same dosage of kappa opioids—a painkiller—to 28 men and 20 women who were having their wisdom teeth extracted, the women reported feeling much less pain than the men, and the easing of pain lasted considerably longer in women. This research suggests that kappa opioids should be prescribed for women whenever pain medication is required, whereas men should be given other kinds of pain medication. In addition, researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women。
WORDS: 516

  In the report, the author recommends that doctors should give kappa opioids to women while men should be administered other kinds of pain medication.  In order to substantiate the report, the author cites a study showing that women reported feeling much less pain than men after administered the same dosage of kappa opioids(KO) due to their teeth pain. The author also points out that researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women. Close scrutiny of the evidence reveals that it did little credible support to the report, and therefore is unconvincing as it stands.
  Firstly, the definition of pain might be different to men and women. It is entirely possible that although women suffered the same pain as men did, women tend to choose not to report, for women did not take this kind of pain severe while men did. Therefore, without the same standard of defining pains, the pain feeling of both men and women cannot be used to illustrate KO is more effective to men or women.
Even assuming that the definition of pain is same to men as well as women, the author unfairly assumes that women take KO when suffering pain while men should be given other kinds of pain medicine. On one hand, whether KO is effective to curing all kinds of pain for women remains to be unknown. It is possible that KO is only efficacious to teeth pain but play no effects on other pains like headache or stomachache. In addition, lacking evidence it is likely that KO has negative effects on the treatment of other kinds of pain except the teeth pain. If this might be the case, KO will not be the first choice for people when they feel pains like head or stomachache and so on. On the other hand, although KO might be less effective to teeth pain for men, it is likely that it produces marvelous effects to other pains. Therefore it is hasty for authors to conclude that other kinds of pain medication should be given to men when they feel painful.
  Last but not least, even if KO really makes more marked effects on teeth pain for women than for men, the author cannot assure us that the effects of all medications on men versus women needed to be revaluated. The author overlooks the possibility that all kinds of medications aside from KO have already been tested from a sufficient large sample consisting of both men and women. It might be the case that the results of revaluating all the kinds of medications remain same. Thus, revaluation will just waste money as well as time.
  To sum up, the report is not well supported. To strengthen the report, the author should provide us a standard for definition of pain. To better assess the report, the author also needs to show that whether KO is effective to all kinds of pains for women or to other kinds of pains except teeth pain for men. I would also need to know whether other kinds of medications need to be evaluated.

使用道具举报

leozjj
UID: 2757137

Rank: 2

声望: 3
寄托币: 126
注册时间: 2010-1-29
精华: 0
帖子: 0

10楼

发表于 2010-2-24 11:54:19 |只看该作者

楼上的童鞋，我贴的时候没看到你在上面占楼啊，抱歉！！！你改我的，再贴一遍在我后面吧@_@

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	改了一下贴在楼下了，欢迎继续参与本活动~

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

使用道具举报

bzr2915
UID: 2612029

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 67
寄托币: 1501
注册时间: 2009-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 45

11楼

发表于 2010-2-24 11:55:49 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bzr2915 于 2010-2-24 12:41 编辑

改楼上的
188, （医药卫生/建议/对比）A new report suggests that men and women experience pain very differently from one another, and that doctors should consider these differences when prescribing pain medications. When researchers administered the same dosage of kappa opioids—a painkiller—to 28 men and 20 women who were having their wisdom teeth extracted, the women reported feeling much less pain than the men, and the easing of pain lasted considerably longer in women. This research suggests that kappa opioids should be prescribed for women whenever pain medication is required, whereas men should be given other kinds of pain medication. In addition, researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women。
WORDS: 516

In the report, the author recommends that doctors should give kappa opioids to women while men should be administered other kinds of pain medication. In order to substantiate the report, the author cites a study showing that women reported feeling much less pain than men after administered the same dosage of kappa opioids(KO) due to their teeth pain. The author also points out that researchers should reevaluate the effects of all medications on men versus women. Close scrutiny of the evidence reveals that it did little credible support to the report, and therefore is unconvincing as it stands.（开头还不错，我觉得就是有点啰嗦，可以考虑用复合句缩合一下，一针见血的点明下面要讨论的主要错误）

Firstly, the definition of pain might be different to men and women. It is entirely possible that although women suffered the same pain as men did, women tend to choose not to report, for women did not take this kind of pain severe while men did.（这里是不是说反了，病重时痛的更厉害用药应该效果不太好，你再看看这句话） Therefore, without the same standard of defining pains, the pain feeling of both men and women cannot be used to illustrate KO is more effective to men or women.Even assuming that the definition of pain is same to men as well as women, the author unfairly assumes that women take KO when suffering pain while men should be given other kinds of pain medicine. On one hand, whether KO is effective to curing all kinds of pain for women remains to be unknown.（这里不要被动） It is possible that KO is only efficacious to teeth pain but play no effects on other pains like headache or stomachache. In addition, lacking evidence it is likely that KO has negative effects on the treatment of other kinds of pain except the teeth pain. If this might be the case, KO will not be the first choice for people when they feel pains like head or stomachache （PAINS OF XX 这么写能表达出头痛和胃痛？）and so on. On the other hand, although KO might be less effective to teeth pain for men, it is likely that it produces marvelous effects to other pains. Therefore it is hasty for authors to conclude that other kinds of pain medication should be given to men when they feel painful.（这一段总体来说分析的不错，转折词用得也不错）

Last but not least,（--上面是第一第二段就来最后了。。换一下别的连接词） even if KO really makes more marked effects on teeth pain for women than for men, the author cannot assure us that the effects of all medications on men versus women needed to be revaluated. The author overlooks the possibility that all kinds of medications aside from KO have already been tested from a sufficient large sample consisting of both men and women. It might be the case that the results of revaluating all the kinds of medications remain same. Thus, revaluation will just waste money as well as time.（这一段很无力，有凑错误之嫌，私以为这里是上一段的重复，其实还有一些很明显的错误像调查过程、样本问题、个体差异等可以深究一下）

To sum up, the report is not well supported. To strengthen the report, the author should provide us a standard for definition of pain. To better assess the report, the author also needs to show that whether KO is effective to all kinds of pains for women or to other kinds of pains except teeth pain for men. I would also need to know whether other kinds of medications need to be evaluated.（这种主观I的句子少出现为好~）

使用道具举报

bzr2915
UID: 2612029

Rank: 5 Rank: 5

声望: 67
寄托币: 1501
注册时间: 2009-3-6
精华: 0
帖子: 45

12楼

发表于 2010-2-24 11:57:08 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 bzr2915 于 2010-2-24 12:02 编辑

下一篇继续为7楼YIMING的 160 请楼下同学继续接力
TOPIC: ARGUMENT160 - As people grow older, an enzyme known as PEP increasingly breaks down the neuropeptide chemicals involved in learning and memory. But now, researchers have found compounds that prevent PEP from breaking neuropeptides apart. In tests, these compounds almost completely restored lost memory in rats. The use of these compounds should be extended to students who have poor memory and difficulty in concentrating-and therefore serious problems in school performance. Science finally has a solution for problems neither parents nor teachers could solve.
WORDS: 377 TIME: 00:30:00 DATE: 2010-2-24 10:24:28

The arguer presents a conclusion that students with poor memory and difficulty in concentrating should take the compounds PEP. He refers to the successful result from the experiment on rats. However, the arguer commits a fallacy of false analogy, which makes his conclusion problematic.

First of all, the arguer fails to refer to the possible damage that could cause on human. The effects on rats may be dramatic, but it may also be dangerous, and such part is totally ignored in the arguer's promotion. Even if PEP seems to be harmless for rats, there's still possibility that it may have a long-term negative effect on animals, and rats just don't have the long enough lifetime to suffer that. So far as the possible damage is not measured and estimated, it is doubtable to extend such experiment to human beings.

Secondly, the fallacy of false analogy is committed by the arguer since there might be subtle difference between human and rats. A miss is as good as a mile, granted that PEP is harmless to human, the little difference in gene between human and rats may lead to great difference on the effect. While the brain science is still a myth for scientists, and the process of memorizing is quite complex, whether the breaks down of the neuropeptide chemicals is be critic for human to learn and to memory is quite doubtful. We can never say safely that PEP can still work on human until convinced data is provided.

Last but not least, the arguer ignores the difference on the cause of poor memory. Students may have poor memory and difficulty in concentrating if they don't like the course or simply don't like the teacher, and in such situation, neural science can do nothing with it, only when psychologists is involved, this problem may be settled. Science may have the solution to a science problem, but what if it is a psychological one?

All in all, the arguer ignores the possible damage that may be caused by the compounds, which makes it unsafe to do experiment on human. Only when PEP is proved to be harmless to human and still have great effect on the process of learning and memorizing can we extends such test on our children.

使用道具举报

菩提叶
UID: 2750858

Rank: 1

声望: 3
寄托币: 44
注册时间: 2010-1-18
精华: 0
帖子: 0

13楼

发表于 2010-2-24 14:29:27 |只看该作者

改楼上作文

本帖最后由菩提叶于 2010-2-24 15:05 编辑

改楼上的A160，不知怎么搞的，粘过来字体变了，凑合着看吧。个人观点，仅供参考

TOPIC: ARGUMENT160 - As people grow older, an enzyme known as PEP increasingly breaks down the neuropeptide chemicals involved in learning and memory. But now, researchers have found compounds that prevent PEP from breaking neuropeptides apart. In tests, these compounds almost completely restored lost memory in rats. The use of these compounds should be extended to students who have poor memory and difficulty in concentrating-and therefore serious problems in school performance. Science finally has a solution for problems neither parents nor teachers could solve.
WORDS: 377
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010-2-24 10:24:28

The arguer presents a conclusion that students with poor memory and difficulty in concentrating should take the compounds PEP. He refers to the successful result from the experiment on rats. However, the arguer commits a fallacy of false analogy, which makes his conclusion problematic.
个人觉得这个不是很恰当，它有一系列错误。
First of all, the arguer fails to refer to the possible damage that could cause on human. 这么说会不会好点：没有具体实验，老鼠身上的实验不能不能推广到人，可能对人没有效果或者有副作用。然后分两层讲。The effects on rats may be dramatic, but it may also be dangerous, and such part is totally ignored in the arguer's promotion. Even if PEP seems to be harmless for rats, there's still possibility that it may have a long-term negative effect on animals,人 and rats just don't have the long enough lifetime to suffer that. So far as the possible damage is not measured and estimated, it is doubtable to extend such experiment to human beings.这段叙述的结构还可以，但是反击的有点乏力，举反例挑力度大的来。

Secondly, the fallacy of false analogy is committed by the arguer since there might be subtle不当，区别很大的
difference between human and rats. A miss is as good as a mile, granted that PEP is harmless to human, the little difference in gene between human and rats may lead to great difference on the effect. While the brain science is still a myth for scientists, and the process of memorizing is quite complex, whether the breaks down of the neuropeptide chemicals is be critic for human to learn and to memory is quite doubtful. We can never say safely that PEP can still work on human until convinced data is provided.
前两段合到一起来写就行，都是关于老鼠到人的这个过程。还有其他大错误可以写。
Last but not least, the arguer ignores the difference on the cause of poor memory. Students may have poor memory and difficulty in concentrating if they don't like the course or simply don't like the teacher, and in such situation, neural science can do nothing with it, only when psychologists is involved, this problem may be settled. Science may have the solution to a science problem, but what if it is a psychological one?
这个错误找的也不是很好。
All in all, the arguer ignores the possible damage that may be caused by the compounds, which makes it unsafe to do experiment on human. Only when PEP is proved to be harmless to human and still have great effect on the process of learning and memorizing can we extends such test on our children.这样说不行，说作者该提出哪些论据可以更好的支持他的观点，让文章变得可信。Only the author provides the evidence that…,can this argument be more convincing.

总体来讲，我个人觉得作者应该多看一看范文。下面提一下我个人的建议，仅供参考。
首先，提纲列的不是很好，大的逻辑错误可以说就写了一个，一二段和一起的那个。建议你看看别人列的提纲。
然后，建议你看一下模板，尤其是新东方的成熟的模板，它可以清楚的告诉你写作思路，但是不要用，按照那种格式写可以，不要用那些套话，没什么用。

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	谢谢对本铺的支持~ 加油加油~

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

3-15AW

使用道具举报

菩提叶
UID: 2750858

Rank: 1

声望: 3
寄托币: 44
注册时间: 2010-1-18
精华: 0
帖子: 0

14楼

发表于 2010-2-24 14:32:17 |只看该作者

我的作文，请楼下同学不吝赐教。请狂拍。
TOPIC: ISSUE207 - "Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."
WORDS: 517 TIME: 00:45:00 DATE: 2010-2-21 下午 10:58:13

Rituals and ceremonies are important parts of a culture, they can contribute to defining and preserving a culture and provide people with a sense of identity, while they are not the unique means to preserve the sense of culture identity.

To begin with, rituals and ceremonies can help to define and maintain a culture, and provide the members of a particular group a sense of culture identity. Rituals and ceremonies are often built on particular spiritual belief, custom, habit and so on. Based on the general conception of value and experience of the members, rituals and ceremonies become formalization, and then provide the members a sense of ascription and identity. By performing these rituals and ceremonies, the individual can strengthen the sense of ascription. Take one of China's minorities --Zhuang--for example, the people of Zhuang perform one essential ceremony every year, called Water-splashing Festival. On this day, the people of Zhuang would all dress up and splash water to the people around them to express their benevolent wishes and regards for them. As the Zhuangs do, by performing this ceremony, they can recognize that they belong to Zhuang and carry down this culture from generation to generation.

However, rituals and ceremonies are not the unique means to aware the identity, except these, there are many other means by which they also can find the sense of identity. In different areas, people use different means to express and demonstrate their identity, like custom, diet, language, finery, architecture and so on. Take one of Chinese most famous singers, Song Zuying, for example, she belongs to the Miao, which is a minority of China and express identity by finery. When Song holds her personal vocal concert in Golden Hall of Vienna, we can see her unique Miao finery, especially the silver accouterments, which are very beautiful and delicate. As the special finery expresses, she belongs to the people of Miao and these finery and accouterments become symbols of the people. So, without rituals and ceremonies, people can also use other means to express their distinction and maintain a sense of identity.

Although the rituals and ceremonies are not the unique means to maintain the sense of culture identity, in such a modern society, which is inclining into a homogenous one, it is important for us to protect and maintain some rituals and ceremonies with conscious. Almost every ritual and ceremony has its own meaning and symbolization, most of the time it acts as the carrier of culture and contains the spiritual hope of the members. Especially nowadays, more and more rituals and ceremonies are dying out as the society goes into homogeneity. This phenomenon has drawn the attention of the United State, who has carried out series measures to ameliorate this condition. As a result, many rituals and ceremonies have been sanctified as the immaterial culture heritages and are being protected by the whole society. For example, many rituals and ceremonies about the Chinese traditional festival, like Spring Festival, have been protected by the United Nations. The distinct rituals and ceremonies can add more color to the monochromatic backdrop.

To sum up, rituals and ceremonies can contribute to the definition of a culture, while they are not the unique means. Act as the carrier of culture, some rituals and ceremonies should be protected so as to prevent the world coming into a totally homogeneous one.

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	已改完，有疑问，继续讨论，欢迎继续支持本 ...

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

3-15AW

使用道具举报

zznzzh
UID: 2762363

Rank: 2

声望: 2
寄托币: 109
注册时间: 2010-2-8
精华: 0
帖子: 1

15楼

发表于 2010-2-24 15:33:34 |只看该作者

issue 43
"To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards."

论点：领导人要有较高的道德标准，但不是最高的
1、有较高道德标准的领导人会顾及大众利益，华盛顿
2、有较高道德标准的领导人让人们信任他，愿意接受他的领导，
3、领导人不必有最高的标准

In the modern society, public officials will undoubtedly face many allurements. It is essential for effective leaders to always keep a high ethical and moral standard
in mind. So, I strongly believe that it is necessary for effective leaders that a high ethical and moral standard but not the highest.

To begin with, a high ethical and moral standard will make the leaders choose the former between the interests of the whole group and his individual interest. George Washington, the father of his country, whose role cannot be overestimated in gaining independence for the American colonies and later in unifying them under the new U.S. federal government, was the most revered man in the United States. At that time, he may use the power he had to establish a military dictatorship or to become a king, if he was guided by his own desire. On the country, a high ethical and moral standard played an important role in driving him sternly suppress all such attempts on his behalf and continue to obey the weak and divided Continental Congress. Without the high ethical and moral standard in his mind, the United States may be a kingdom now.
So, it is essential for effective leaders to have a high ethical and moral standard.

What’s more, in a democratic country like United States, the officials are always elected and supervised by all the people they lead. A public official must maintain a high ethical and moral standard to make the public believe that he is just the right one to lead them, or he will fall down from where he rose up. What would you remember when Bill Clinton is mentioned? Maybe the first thing comes in people’s mind is the sexual scandal during his second term. But do you know that it’s during Clinton’s presidency the country enjoyed the longest period of economic growth in its history? The sexual scandal almost ruins all his achievements that Clinton became the second president to be impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives. Now we can say that unethical or immortal characters are deadly to effective leaders.

However, maintaining a highest ethical and moral standard is not practical for an effective leader. For the first thing, it is hard or seems impossible to reach the highest ethical and moral standard. We have to admit that every human being has his own weakness and shortness in his characters, then, in fact, the highest ethical and moral standard should only be kept in Bible as an ideal guidance for human beings. Secondarily, sometimes the highest ethical and moral standard conflicts with the interests of most people. For example, it is brutal to kill animals for their meat in terms of some highest ethical and moral standards, then should our officials bring out an act prohibiting us from having meat? I think it is really a bad news for human beings because most of us are flesh eaters, and it is fallacious for an official to do this.

To sum up, a high ethical and moral standard will let the public believe that leaders are just the right one to lead them and make them take interests of the whole group into consideration. And just remember that what we need is effective leaders, not the guy who maintains the highest ethical and moral standard.

已有 1 人评分	声望	收起理由
bzr2915	+ 1	请看好规则再发帖~

总评分: 声望 + 1 查看全部投币

使用道具举报

12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... 15 下一页

问答

Offer

投票

面经

想要申请英国华威大学的统计学授课硕士，双非一本85分刚过list线，机会大吗

看学校在不在ww的list里面

【问答/欧洲】kth好申博吗？

申博的话，荷兰很多学校都有研究型硕士，不过好不好申要看项目描述，毕业生去向，这个官网上应该有。

【问答/瑞典】课程描述的前言要写什么？

看到大部分人会在前面写一段学分转换规则。

大学gpa成绩只有2.4 是不是申请加拿大第二学位的概率1/100都没有?

没这么绝对，看你想申请的学校和专业，排名高的专业可能希望不大。

阿姆斯特丹自由大学

Computer Science

MSc | 25Fall | 被拒

爱丁堡大学

Electrical and Electronics Engineering

MSc | 25Fall | Offer

兰卡斯特大学（莱比锡）

物流与供应链管理

MSc | 25Fall | AD无奖

MSc | 25Fall | Offer

曼海姆经济/WHU管理/继续等TUM

已经拿到曼海姆econ和whu mim的offer，7月初打算去递签但是这两个选不出来。tum肯定是想等的，但是到现在vpd都没下来感觉真不知道7月初zu能不能下来，而且申请了mmt和mmdt、bioecon，匹配度都不完美。曼海姆econ的pros是便宜，但说实话我不想读phd，我想直接就业，不知道就业如何。 whu mim的cons是贵+村，但是私立服务确实好。

美国政治学master项目选择

Pros： 1. UChicago：认可度高，给奖 2. Columbia：认可度高，有和我方向接近的老师 3. UCSD：有和我方向接近的老师，给奖 Cons： 1. UChicago：担心师生比 2. Columbia：担心学费贵 3. UCSD：认可度不如前两位小弟对计算社科、政治传播、中国政治感兴趣，希望毕业后能申请美国的政治学博士项目，谢谢大家的投票

博洛尼亚大学量化金融VS计量经济学

如题，考虑费用问题，在这两个offer当中选。海外就业导向，希望毕业后3-5年内能留在欧洲工作。更喜欢自己以后能独立工作（不是指单干，指工作内容可以更多自己琢磨完成，不用怎么跟人拉通合作的），期望好就业，薪酬待遇高。看官网介绍感觉计量（LMEC2）出路更好，但是暂时没有读博打算，也有点担心学不来难毕业

卡尔顿创新技术管理 VS圣玛丽英语教学

大龄申硕，带娃润，留学移民为导向。两个项目都可以16个月毕业。渥太华的卡尔顿创新管理符合职业背景，目前是AI产品经理，有十多年科技公司项目产品经验。细分专业是数字化转型与创业，和当下热点紧密结合。安省硕博能走硕博通道，大概率基础分46，听说选课选好的话是52。学费6W加币哈法的圣玛丽英语教学符合本硕语言学背景，可能要毕业没那么难，但是只能AIP，毕业拿到offer工作一年才能申请。学费2.5W加币。本人INFJ，有英语科教师资格，也教过一两年。可用资金17W加币，应该怎么选？配偶还不确定要不要一起去。

Royal College of Art

innovation design engineering

1.自我介绍2.还申请了什么院校3.介绍一个项目4.有没有最喜欢的IDE项目5.未来研究方向

Politecnico di Milano

Computer Science

bg：211，均分85.7，3段项目，1段实习，cs本，可以申请hpc方向和telecommications下的internet小track可以录...

McMaster University

口语45s准备时间，1：30作答，写作没有准备时间，10min作答。口语为视频录制形式，准备时间不会录像，作答时...

Lingnan University

1.自我介绍2.你的专业背景和工作经历可以怎么帮助你学习这个项目3.职业规划4.工作中遇到的困难，你是如何应...

最新

精华

孟波盛世公司怎么开户

孟波盛世公司怎么开户

香港科技大学广州｜智能制造学域博士招生宣讲会—哈尔滨工业大学专场

25fall rs/gis 求问polimi米理硕士认可度/求选校定位

关于LLM托福已过100继续刷分的问题

蒙纳士大学商学院消息：暂停GC/GD新offer发放

二本学生！申请求助！深感迷茫

11.13 19:00 | 走在亚洲及世界的前端！香港城市大学商学院线上宣讲会快来参与！

25fall 求定位

2025英国埃克塞特大学 (University of Exeter) 与csc合作博士全奖招生(理工方向)

2025英国埃克塞特大学 (University of Exeter) 与csc合作博士全奖招生(理工方向)

多邻国英国测试正式上线双机位模式

澳门大学25fall申请已经开放，注意时间网申时间！

【全奖博士招生2025秋/春】Texas Tech University：AI4Science、概率方法、随机力学

【全奖博士招生2025秋/春】Texas Tech University：AI4Science、概率方法、随机力学

【全奖博士招生2025秋/春】Texas Tech University：AI4Science、概率方法、随机力学

UT Ausitn MA Econ 就读体验

六级540-首考101-备考托福经验

24Fall｜聊一聊荷语区跨申的可能性

非法本（财务）申请cuhk llm（cbl）经验贴

BostonU MA Econ/MAEP/MAGDE项目杂谈

父母香港探亲签注一年多次+中国驾驶证改回乡证登记+中国移动号码改回乡证登记

瑞典硕士DIY申请攻略——申请指南（完全版）

网上核实永居+walkin申请特区护照+walkin注销户口(广州)+申请回乡证

关于UChi MACRM的一些情况

加硕coop指北

【干货】教你如何写MBA简历

【经验贴】欧洲申博血泪史：7个全奖博士offer，却gap了两年（附各国签证风险盘点）

2023FALL申请总结（MSC PHD RA MPHIL大混申）兼日本CS SGU申请及劝退贴

2023 Fall Business/Econ PhD混申感悟

23年2.7托福自学首考104经验分享

多邻国首考135心得+长期英语学习tips分享

转发

转发该帖子

草根修改铺(楼主不在）

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1063415-1-1.html

复制链接

发送

报offer 祈福爆照

回顶部