草根修改铺(楼主不在）

坂田模型UID：2766140

TOPIC: ARGUMENT97 - The following appeared in a memo from the manager of television station KICK.

"A nationwide survey reveals that a sizeable majority of men would like to see additional sports programs on television. After television station WACK increased its sports broadcasts, its share of the television audience in its viewing area almost doubled. To gain a larger audience share in our area, and thus increase company profits, KICK should also revise its broadcast schedule to include more sports coverage."

The argument is far from cogent. Basing on a survey of the audience, the increasing share of the television in WACK, supposing the successful experience could also be implemented in KICK, the advice to add more sports coverage to the broadcast schedule sounds reasonable on its surface.  (这句话挺奇怪的，我建议这样写吧，The arguer cites a survey of the audience and the fact of the increasing television share in WACK, based on which he supposes the successful experience could also be implemented in KICK and advices to add more sports coverage to the broadcast schedule sounds reasonable on its surface.  )However, failing to see the differences between KICK and WACK, as well as some other logical flaws, weaken the argument.（如果这句要按你原来这样意思表达，我建议这样写：However, falling to see the differences between KICK and WACK, this arguer is unable to convince me for some other logical flaws as well.)

（这段我感觉语法错误有点严重，想把句子写长写漂亮也不该用这种方式吧，如果写成这样我觉得还不如全是普通短句效果还好。而且我建议还是按照：结论+列举evidence+反驳，这种结构来写会显得清晰，通过这样的信息整理也有助于下面的反驳分析。）

To begin with, the nationwide survey can not predict the trends of television share in local of KICK. First, the nationwide results may different from the trends in KICK. (The nationwide survey showing does not necessarily apply to KICK.)It is entirely possible that the residents’ attention to the additional sports programs in KICK declines, while people in other cities show great appetites, thus the nationwide results turn out to be sizeable majority. Second, the survey only concerns about the men’s attitude to the additional programs. In fact, the amount of other groups such as women, children who also watch television could be as large, if not more, as of men. Without taking the women’s attitude into consideration, the survey results may be unwarranted and meaningless.

(论证合理，结构也清晰。)

Furthermore, the arguer falsely assumes that the additional sports lead the television share to uplift in WACK. There is no evidence to show the definite cause and effect relationship (改成这样子吧，the definitely causal relationship)between the increasing share and the additional sports programs. Generally speaking, television shares vary with the content that the（the 去掉吧） provided by the TV stations, but not the amount of the content. Since the arguer has not mentioned the time span of statistical results of the television share in WACK, it is entirely possible that there is a famous sports meeting broadcasted by the television at certain period. People may only see the sports meeting and seldom take a glance at the additional sports. It is also possible that the station broadcast some interesting comics, which lead to the increase of the television share. Without ruling out these possibilities, the influence of the additional sports to （改成on吧。）the increasing share can not be sound.

Even if the survey result is reliable and the additional sports do increase the television share in WACK, extending this regulation hastily to KICK is still open to question. （我觉得改成这样顺点吧，the hasty extension of this regulation to KICK is still open to question.)
The arguer assumes that the television share will also grow in KICK basing on the experience of WACK. However the existed differences in television share, the audience structure and their appetites also influence the trend of television share. First, what is the television share of WACK now? If it is high enough, or even higher than that of KICK, rescheduling may not be a wise measurement, because the high television share may decline due to changes. Second, the structure and the appetites of the viewers are worth mentioning. If the majority audience of KICK is women, or children, they may tend to enjoy the programs like music, talk shows, and teleplays, other than sports programs. Adding sports programs, the television may become less attractive to them and lead to share declination. The argument （虽然用argument也不能算错，但是arguer的话就绝对不错。）neglects all these factors in making its conclusion.（in这里我不肯定对错，但是我会这样写，to make a hasty conclusion.)

Given the television share enlarges because of the rescheduling strategy, that the profits of the station will boost is still open to doubt. ()The arguer, at least, fails to take the following two factors that influence the profits. On one hand, adding more sports coverage needs extra resource including time, energy and money which also increases the investment of the station. In the argument, there is no evidence shows that the station can get profit from this additional investment. (没有说清楚，他怎么就不能从投资中获得利润。)On the other hand, usually, a station earns most, if not all, of its profits through the advertisements. After programs rescheduling, the additional sports programs may take up the time for advertisements, or the customers may tend to choose the station with less sports programs to broadcast their advertisements. In this situation, the profits of the station may probably decrease. （这一点还行。）Without ruling out these possibilities, the conclusion of earning more profits is also groundless.

After carefully analyzing the evidence as well as the reasoning, it is clearly that the conclusion can not be safely reached. To strengthen the argument, the arguer should make sure whether the increasing of the television share is due to the additional sports programs of WACK, propose a specific survey to show the real needs of the audience of KICK, and take both the similarities and differences between two stations into account. Also, evidences to justify that profits of the station will increase due to larger television share should be given.
（结尾思路也行吧。）

我觉得分析的还行，错误都找到了，反驳的挺到位的。我觉得这篇ARGUMENT最大的问题不是分析的思路，还应该在语言表达上下功夫。其实语言不一定非要多复杂，最重要是清晰明了，有复杂长句当然可以锦上添花，但是如果写出的长句是错误了或者根本没办法理解，那对你的ARGUMENT真是大大削弱。
我自己语法本来也不是特别好，后面我都不敢给你看语法错误了，怕自己改错了也不好。像我自己吧，语法不是特扎实的那种，但我尽量不用我觉得似对非对的句子。像伴随状语这种，我也挺喜欢用的，可我一般不会用错或乱用吧。

坂田模型UID：2766140

TOPIC: ISSUE124 - "Instant foods, instant communication, faster transportation-all of these recent developments are designed to save time. Ironically, though, instead of making more leisure time available, these developments have contributed to a pace of human affairs that is more rushed and more frantic than ever before."
WORDS: 446
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-4-2 10:54:59

In the era of the tremedous upswing in the social progress, technologic achievement bring us abundont material and mental life. The pace of our daily life becomes more rushed and more frantic than ever before in order to make the life involves everything we need to do and want to do. For that matter, technologic achievement fails to truly make more leisure time available for us, but instead make us more busy in abundont material supply the quatities of which have excessed any other centries before.Concequently instant foods, instant communication, faster transportation-all of these recent developments to designed to save time. Actually these instant objects fails to enhance the qualities of our life but tire our body and deficient our thought.


It is true that technologic achievement bring us many innovations and inventions which enrich our material and mental life and to some extent make us more leisure and more convenient. Automobile revolution has realized the dreams that most people can afford cars and drive their own cars everywhere they want to go in order to help to save the time on the journey of the road. With these saved time, however, we can do more other thing we like to render the precious time well used. Similarly, the advancement of information technology render information exchange more convenient and more instant. We can not only gain any information but also distribute ours or even publish our writting works in the network which is the less expensive way to exchange our informations.

There is no denying that with the help of technologic development, human life is better now, but this development contributes to the more rushed and more frantic pace than ever before. Just as the information technology mentioned above, this advancement helps to save our time to search the helpful information, but at the same time render us sunk into the information sea. We have to read more words today than before to choose the value information in the mass. In the period of Ranaissance, most great men can be all-around talents in various fieds at the same time, but this seldom happened in this era for the knowledge, information, news in a certain field are so numerous and renew so frequently that we hardly keep our pace on it, let out learning the knowledge of other fields.

It is because of the adundant materials today that people have to rely on the instant foods, instant communication, faster transportantion-all of these recent developments to save time in order to finish more and content our insaficent appetite. Less people today truly finish reading the classical works our ancestor left to us, instead we read the condensed one which involves only the code content of the book. We read books not for the purpose to meet the mental needs but for the purpose to boast. In addition, for the purpose of convenience, we communicate with our relations and friends using telephone or internet more but through the face-to-face way less. These instant communication render people's relationship stranger than before. These instand innovations indeed satisfy our disversity of the material needs, but actually our mental world is valid and our inner emotion is deficient.

To sum up, I never doubt the contribution the technologies to our human society. It is primarily through the innovation of the technologies that our daily life become better and more convenient. In other cases, however, we also become busier with the abundant material. We travel more, read more and learn more. Consequently, we have to rely on the instant innovation helping to satify our insatiable appetite which promotes us to pursue everthing we meet.

限时没写完，后来给补的。

lynnzhang2009UID：2789534

楼上坂田的我占楼改
红色是错误
蓝色是评注。
TOPIC: ISSUE124 - "Instant foods, instant communication, faster transportation-all of these recent developments are designed to save time. Ironically, though, instead of making more leisure time available, these developments have contributed to a pace of human affairs that is more rushed and more frantic than ever before."
WORDS: 446
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010-4-2 10:54:59
In the era of the tremedous (tremendous) upswing in the social progress, technologic achievement bring

us abundont（abundant） material and mental life. The pace of our daily life becomes more rushed and more frantic than ever before in order to make the life involves everything we need to do and want to do. For that matter, technologic achievement fails to truly make more leisure time available for us, but instead make us more busy (busier)in abundont
（abundant）material supply the quatities（quantities） of which have excessed （excess不是动词改为exceeded）（加than）any other centries（centuries） before. Concequently(Consequently) instant foods, instant communication, faster transportation-all of these recent developments to designed to save time. Actually these instant objects fails（fail） to enhance the qualities of our life but tire our body and deficient our thought. （tire 和deficient 做谓语为动词可deficient 不是动词）


It is true that technologic achievement bring us many innovations and inventions which enrich our material and mental life and to some extent make us more leisure and more convenient. Automobile revolution has realized the dreams that most（lots of 或 a host of ） people
can afford cars and drive their own cars everywhere they want to go in order to help(删去) to save the time on the journey of the road. With these saved time, however,（前后句子不是转折啊？） we can do more other thing（things） we like to render the precious time well used. Similarly, the advancement of information technology render （renders） information exchange more convenient and more instant. We can not only gain any information but also distribute ours or even publish our writing（writing） works in the network which is the less expensive way to exchange our informations. （不可数）

There is no denying that with the help of technologic development, human life is better now, but this development contributes to the more rushed and more frantic pace than ever before. Just as the information technology mentioned above, this advancement helps to save our time to search the helpful information（两个to使得句子结构不合理）, but at the same time render us sunk into the information sea. We have to read more words today than before to choose the value information in the mass. In the period of Ranaissance, most great men can be all-around talents in various fieds（field）at the same time, but this seldom happened （happen）in this era for the knowledge, information, news in a certain field are so numerous and renew so frequently that we hardly keep our pace on it, let out（这个词组不知用在这里什么意思，不知是做什么成分） learning the knowledge of other fields.

It is because of the adundant（abundant） materials today that people have to rely on the instant foods, instant communication, faster transportantion-all of these recent developments to save time in order to finish more and content our insaficent appetite（这个长句你在改好些，because of 和后面没感觉有因果关系）. Less people today truly finish reading the classical works our ancestor left to us(删去), instead we read the condensed one which involves only the code （core）content of the book. We read books not for the purpose
to meet the mental needs but for the purpose to boast. In addition, for the purpose of convenience, we communicate with our relations and friends using telephone or internet more but through the face-to-face way less. These instant communication render people's relationship stranger than before. These instand （instant）innovations indeed satisfy our disversity（diversity） of the material needs, but actually our mental world is valid and our inner emotion is deficient.

To sum up, I never doubt the contribution（of） the technologies to our human society. It is primarily through the innovation of the technologies that our daily life become better and more convenient. In other cases, however, we also become busier with the abundant material. We travel more, read more and learn more. Consequently, we have to rely on the instant innovation helping to satify （satisfy）our insatiable appetite which promotes us to pursue everthing （everything）we meet.
可能是时间原因，有很多拼写错误。

lynnzhang2009UID：2789534

占楼发文，期待楼下拍