Issue130, G-march小组第一次作业~处女作球拍!

℃ЙαиgUID: 2750369

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."


孩子融入社会的能力决定了社会的命运。遗憾的是，我们还不知道怎样培养孩子使他们对社会有益  (处女作,未计时,565字)


简要提纲:
1)肯定孩子对社会未来有重要作用
2)人际交往在社会发展中有重要地位,所以孩子的socialize非常对社会发展很重要
3)近现代以来,社会的进步表明我们的教育是成功的,
我们有better world的教育方法,better不是best

ps: 由于是第一次写issue,写之前查阅了不少资料,也背诵了一些个人认为很好的段落..导致了文章中出现了很多背诵的东西..这个毛病在以后的习作练习中,我会慢慢改掉..这次大家先忍了把..:L

欢迎大家多多拍砖拉~~

How can we build a more prosperous, more beautiful and more harmonious society has always been a common question during the process in which the human being yearning for a better life. Ultimately the determined factor of the destiny of society becomes the count for much issue. According to the title statement the society's destiny assorts with how children are socialized and we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better our society. While I agree that children are the future of our society, I insist we have already gained the ability to cultivate children who can build a better society.

"Youth is rich, nation is rich; youth is strong, nation is strong", noted Qichao Liang, a leading ideologist of Qing Dynasty and a pioneer in the reformation of China's society. When it comes to the youth, the childhood is the most critical process that the youth cannot escape from and avoid. Accordingly, in the history of human race civilization, neither the archon nor ordinary people would have distracted their attention from the education of children.

Furthermore, socialized education nowadays has become a crucial part in children education. At present, the trends towards a multi-polar world and economic globalization are developing in greater depth, hence whether a country can maintain its competitive edge and leading position in the international market depends very much on the ability of human communication, teamwork and cooperation. For example, the rising complexity of scientific research is now imperatively demanding persons with good cooperative skills, which can ensure that international involvement moves to more organized and better-planned structures. Besides scientific research, protection of environment, research of public health and worldwide economic and trade cooperation also place high expectations and demands for well-socialized people. In other words, the development speed and direction of our society will face a serious threat unless the younger generation of our society has such socialized skills. Therefore, development and cultivation of personal contact and group dynamics that shape children’s characteristic has a great impact on improvement and progress of the society.

Consider the speaker's claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.This criticism on the education system or the parents gives us a sense of nitpicking. Doubtless, the current education system is far from perfect and has lots of defects. But the arguer seems to ignore a fact that, in the thousands of years of the near history, human has successfully built a better world and this trend will surely last in the future. Our ancestors have given us their knowledge and experience base on which we create, or improve, in a more precise word, a better world than theirs. In this point of view, we can proudly declare that we have already learned how to raise children to bring about a “better” society rather than a “best” one.

To sum up, it is true that the way we socialize children today would determine the destiny of society but the assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better our society might neglect the tremendous efforts we have devoted. Although our educational method is proved to be effective in bettering the society, we cannot be swelled with what we have already achieved in the fields and what we need is just persistent attention as well as more efforts.

Lisa-yuanUID: 2748489

How can we build (to build) a more prosperous, more beautiful and more harmonious society has always been a common question during the process in which the human being yearning for a better life. Ultimately the determined factor of the destiny of society becomes the count for much issue. According to the title statement the society's destiny (destiny of society) assorts with how children are socialized and we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better our society. While I agree that children are the future of our society, I insist we have already gained the ability to cultivate children who can build (construct) a better society. (个人觉得While作为转折，语气上是比较轻的，可以用Although)

"Youth is rich, nation is rich; youth is strong, nation is strong", noted Qichao Liang, a leading ideologist of (个人认为加上“China in”国外的读者会更容易理解，很多外国人不晓得中国，更不用说清朝了) Qing Dynasty and a pioneer in the reformation of China's society. When it comes to the youth, the childhood is the most critical process that the youth cannot escape from and avoid. Accordingly, in the history of human race civilization, neither the archon nor ordinary people would have distracted their attention from (to) the education of children. (distract from 有“转移”的意思， attention 习惯上跟to搭配，从上下文可以推出这句话应该是政治和人们都不能影响孩子们的教育，但是具体就翻译不出来。)

Furthermore, socialized education nowadays has become a crucial part in children education. At present, the trends towards a multi-polar world and economic globalization are developing in greater depth, hence whether a country can maintain its competitive edge and leading position in the international market depends very much on the ability of human communication, teamwork and cooperation. For example, the rising complexity of scientific research is now imperatively demanding persons with good cooperative skills, which can ensure that international involvement moves to more organized and better-planned structures. Besides scientific research, protection of environment, research of public health and worldwide economic and trade cooperation also place high expectations and demands for well-socialized people. In other words, the development speed and direction of our society will face a serious threat unless the younger generation of our society has such socialized skills. Therefore, development and cultivation of personal contact and group dynamics that shape children’s characteristic has a great impact on improvement and progress of the society.（这段跟你主题中的，你认为“I insist we have already gained the ability to cultivate children who can build (construct) a better society”有联系吗？在我读起来，你只是陈述了，全球化下，人们更注重相互的合作，而不是闭门造车，但是我们如何懂得教育孩子how to
Socialized.这点没有讲）
Consider the speaker's claim that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. This criticism on the education system or the parents gives us a sense of nitpicking. Doubtless, the current education system is far from perfect and has lots of defects. But the arguer seems to ignore a fact that, in the thousands of years of the near history, human has successfully built a better world and this trend will surely last in the future.（这点如果没有具体的事实作为论据，那么你的论据就会显得很weak，因为说不定读者觉得这个世界很糟糕，战争，疾病，还有气候问题等等，他要是不同意你的观点，你也不能说服他，那么分数就可能很低） Our ancestors have given us their knowledge and experience base on which we create, or improve, in a more precise word, a better world than theirs. In this point of view, we can proudly declare that we have already learned how to raise children to bring about a “better” society rather than a “best” one.
To sum up, it is true that the way we socialize children today would determine the destiny of society but the assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better our society might neglect the tremendous efforts we have devoted. Although our educational method is proved to be effective in bettering the society, we cannot be swelled with what we have already achieved in the fields and what we need is just persistent attention as well as more efforts.最后的总结，似乎不是加强你自己的论点，而是自己帮自己削弱了观点了。）

总结：用词比较丰富，这点值得赞扬，但是文章的结构显得比较松散，而且没有提出很有利的证据来证明自己的观点。或许你觉得大家都同意题目的观点，如果你选择反方面的话，会显得比较特别。但是最后批改你的作文的是美国佬，他们觉得你无法自圆其说，就会扣很多分。不过你第一次写，能准时交作业，值得表扬.

℃ЙαиgUID: 2750369

1) distract from 有“转移”的意思， attention 习惯上跟to搭配，从上下文可以推出这句话应该是政治和人们都不能影响孩子们的教育，但是具体就翻译不出来。)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
这里我想说的大概是 "执政者和普通人都不曾把注意力从children education上转移走."  所以用了 distract attention from,

用了一个虚拟语气"would have distracted",记不太清了. would have done 好像是表示"本应该做而没做"的事.
所以,如果用在这个地方,会译成"本应转移但是却没有转移注意力", 是否有欠妥当.?

2) 这段跟你主题中的，你认为“I insist we have already gained the ability to cultivate children who can build (construct) a better society”有联系吗？在我读起来，你只是陈述了，全球化下，人们更注重相互的合作，而不是闭门造车，但是我们如何懂得教育孩子how to
Socialized.这点没有讲
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
这一段.我是想讲全球化下，人们更注重相互的合作，而不是闭门造车,更需要有social能力的人才.所以对children的social教育十分重要.
可能是我的表达不太好,中心没明确,这一点我会在以后的作文中改掉.~ 谢谢yuan拉~

而"I insist we have already gained the ability to cultivate children who can build (construct) a better society" 我是在 consider the speaker这一段主要讲的. 这里产生误解的原因,主要是由于我在首段把作者的观点分成了两方面,而在正文中,对于前一方面用了两段解释,后一方面用了一段, 而第三段和第二段之间的递进关系十分松散,不明显,导致读者以为我对以一个问题的阐述已经结束.
这是我文章两段衔接的重大失误啊..!!!我要改掉改掉!!!!  

3)这点如果没有具体的事实作为论据，那么你的论据就会显得很weak，因为说不定读者觉得这个世界很糟糕，战争，疾病，还有气候问题等等，他要是不同意你的观点，你也不能说服他，那么分数就可能很低
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yuan我太爱你了~ 这个意见非常非常好.我觉得我的文章中就是欠缺例子..只爱翻来覆去的说理论,没有例子的支撑.我会在修改这篇作文的时候加入社会进步的例子---例如医疗设施的完善,教育环境的改变,人们生活更便利,交通更快捷等.不知道这样陈列可不可以? 还是说要要加入一个较长的更具体的例子呢?

4)最后的总结，似乎不是加强你自己的论点，而是自己帮自己削弱了观点了
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
对于结尾.我本人也有很大的疑惑

我有两种方案:  A, 肯定我们意见做出的effort,bring a better world
               B, 肯定已作出的effort和成绩之余,要求我们不能自满,要坚持和不断完善.

这个问题在很多issue的写作中我都很困惑.. 到底要不要对结尾进行发展和延伸呢?


在此,感谢yuan对我的处女作给出的宝贵意见~~ :loveliness:

希望各位大虾对我的习作有什么想说的都可以提的~  也欢迎大家留下链接互改~ ^^

firhadayUID: 2287086

文章写得很认真，语法扎实，措辞到位，很用心，大赞！

outh is rich, nation is rich; youth is strong, nation is strong
你看是不是这样写会更合适一些？

The richer youth of a nation is, the wealthier a country will be; The Stronger youth is, the more powerful a nation will be.

℃ЙαиgUID: 2750369

outh is rich, nation is rich; youth is strong, nation is strong
你看是不是这样写会更合适一些？

The richer youth of a nation is, the wealthier  ...
firhaday 发表于 2010-1-18 00:04

我把那几句少年中国说给直译过来了,是显得有些生僻.

我觉得firhaday的建议很好~ 我会在修改习作的过程中改成ls建议的那句~ 谢谢吖~!!

Maci.UID: 2731643

呃 楼主这么多人给你改了 俺就不给你改了
俺水平有限啊 哎

不过你可以再重写 重新修改一下后
我在帮你看看行不
不过俺水平也一般 呵呵