【1010G精英组】ISSUR&ARGU 习作——by Group Choice

toywangUID: 2700880

8# yuanlinqinggre
TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
WORDS: 673
TIME: 00:60:00
DATE: 2010-4-17 10:59:25
The author concludes in the article that increase level of melatonin before birth serve to shyness(换成mile distress会不会好点？) during infancy 【and this shyness】换为【and even turn into shyness which】 is likely to continue into later life. In order to corroborate his conclusion, the author cites both study concerning 25 infants and a follow up study.（个人觉得有点繁琐，the author cite a follow up study of 25 infants since thirteen years ago）

Yet, further speculation on the ratiocination of the argument 【插入in which case is lucid】will reveal that the conclusion is based on several unjustified assumptions,【in which case the argument is lucid but unpersuasive 省略掉】.
Firstly, the study conducted thirteen years ago accomplishes nothing towards validating the conclusion that increases in the level of melatonin is relevant to those sighs of mild distress. Since the author fails to provide 【compelling 在这里表示强制的吗？】evidence that infants who participated in the study are representative of all the infants, it is entirely possible that the sample of the study is not sufficient enough to reach any conclusion. Perhaps, these infants happen to get a same kind of disease whose symptom is mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. Thus, lacking evidence that the sample of the study is sufficient, I remain doubtful about the basis of the conclusion that those signs shown on these infants are resulted from the change in the level of melatonin, let alone about his conclusion. 最后这句怎么理解呢？我觉得到melatonin就可以了
第一段着重攻击survey的不合理性（25的不合理性
Moreover, even assuming that infants who have participated in the study are well representative of all the infants, the conclusion still relies on the assumption that no other factors are able to affect brain functions. However, the author offers no validate evidence to justify this pivot assumption. For that matter, it is not presumptuous【换成There is no presumption？】to say that some other factors, such as humility, may also affect some brain functions as well.【个人觉得humility这个例子不太好】Perhaps, humility in autumn is too low, which may also cast affection of infants( infants’) brain functions. Or 【这里用or+B的话，完全找不到A是指什么了，跨度太大了。可以换成 in additon】increase in level of melatonin even results in opposite signs on infants, in which case some other factors may be responsible for the symptom. These two scenarios, if true, would be reasonable enough to【weaken the deduction of不才，这里什么意思啊？】the argument considerably. Thus, without ruling out possible reason 【reasons】for those signs, the author cannot easily reach the conclusion that rise in the levels of melatonin will lead to infants' distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli.
未排除其他因素的影响
Even assuming【that augmentation换成 the assertion that】【in 换成the？】levels of melatonin will certainly result in mild distress, the author unfairly equates the actual characteristic of a person with personal opinion of his characteristic. 【 I know what do you want to express, you can just say thatthere is no fixed standard to judge whether he or she is a shy person or not. 】In order words, it is just as likely that an extravert may regarded him as an introvert when compared with other extraverts. Thus, lacking evidence that these kids are actually shy, the author cannot convince me that this is the case. 【个人觉得对shy与否这个点的攻击时比较难说明白的，而且和全文会感觉不连贯了】
重启一段？Even assuming those teenagers are shy, the conclusion still rests on the assumption that only growth in levels of melatonin attribute to shyness shown on those kids. Nonetheless, the author refers no prominent evidence to substantiate the assumption, in which case it is just as likely that some other factors contribute to the shyness. Perhaps, because of effect of adolescence children are likely to become shy when they are teenagers. Moreover, even assuming that shyness shown on those kids is attributable to increase in levels of melatonin, the author unfairly assumes that no other factors may affect ones' characteristic in rest of their life. Yet, this assumption is unpersuasive as stands. For that matter, it is entirely possible that factors, such as friends, may change a person's characteristic greatly. Therefore, without justifying all the assumptions above, the author cannot confidently reach his conclusion.
In sum, the ratiocination of the argument is unconvincing as it stands. In order to strengthen the argument, the author must cite evidence that the sample of the study is both sufficient and representative. Moreover, a study has to be conducted, in order to manifest the casual relationship between increase in levels of melatonin and signs of mild distress. A study concerning whether those kids are shy has to be conducted. At last, to better assess the argument, the author has to conduct a continuous study concerning the characteristic of participants.


如果作为第一篇的话，我觉得框架已经打起来了，但是里面的内容还有再改善。对于问题的表述怎样才能多样化也是我一直在考虑的问题，从你
文章中我也学会了一些我不会的表达，里面有的地方还有待斟酌

yuanlinqinggreUID: 2755904

WEILI0612 修改贴 by yuanlinqinggre




1、
减少的日光使得褪黑素分泌过多，小孩更多的shy和distress可能由于减少日光引起，但不见得是褪黑素的原因，可能日光减少产生别的效应或荷尔蒙，影响了shy和distress。
2、
distress中的婴儿比不distress的有更高的几率有更多的褪黑素。Distress的婴儿十几岁后大部分shy, 但是这些shy的是不是distress中有很多褪黑素的呢？
3、
先天不distress且有褪黑素的你研究过没？不distress没有褪黑素但是很shyness的研究过没？缺少对比么。后天的shy可能有更多的原因而褪黑素没什么大影响。


正文：


In my opinion, this argument is limited and the analysis is not very reasonable. The conclusion seems at first glance to be obvious, because the majority of the babies showed signs of mild distress and were shy in their teenagers. However, the conclusion got from the data is not so cogent and may mask the real reason.


Firstly, it is said that those infants with mild distress have mothers who were over production of melatonin caused by decreased daylight before the infants were born. However, the direct reason may not be the over production of melatonin but the decreased daylight which may spur or restrain the production of another hormone which is really related with those infants’ mild distress and later shyness. So, there may be another hormone, which is generated together with melatonin for the decreased, daylight that causes the shyness. If the data could show that the only over or lack production was melatonin, the conclusion would be more reasonable.
Secondly, do the children who had shown signs of distress and identified themselves as shy belong to those who had shown signs of distress and were in early autumn? （这里的these 应该表示的是那之前研究的25个有轻微痛苦症状的孩子吧，而且他们都出生在秋天）Maybe the majority of those shy teenagers are from the group of 25 infants who were not conceived in early autumn but just showed signs of mild distress. So, maybe the early time’s mild distress is connected with the shyness of teenagers, but there are still some which are outgoing and maybe were in early autumn. If the data could show that infants showing signs of mild distress and in early autumn became shy, the conclusion would be more logical.
Finally, the argument is weakened by the lack of comparison. It only shows relationship between shyness and melatonin before birth. But there is no data shows the amount of infants, who were not in early time, became shy in their teenage. There are many external reasons, which may make children shy during their life, such as the parents’ attitude to them, their habits and customs. So, maybe the influence of melatonin just works when infants are born, but the melatonin will have little influence on teenagers. Because of the lack of comparison, the conclusion only got from the infants more likely conceived in early autumn can’t convince readers.
The conclusion got from a superficial analysis and incomplete data can’t certify that relationship between shyness and melatonin. There are many other reasons which will cause postnatal shyness. And even the natal signs of mild distress can be caused by other hormones.
一，逻辑链分析
在听完666大神的讲座后，发现画逻辑图的重要性，所以我就用逻辑图来看看你攻击了这篇文章的哪些逻辑链。
1）
25个孩子出现轻微痛苦
秋天会产生M
他们比其他孩子更有可能在秋天被怀上—（1）》所有出现痛苦的孩子在秋天被怀上—(2)》M引起痛苦

2）

一半以上的孩子认为自己十分害羞--（3）》大多数孩子都很害羞
                                       这些孩子之前都有轻微痛苦并出生在秋天

--（4）》痛苦与少年时期的害羞有关//M引起痛苦// 这些孩子在少年时期害羞 ---（5）》M引少年时期害羞

--（6）》M引起之后害羞
         
        

图中（）的你攻击的，图中（）是主观推断即666所说的应该攻击的，图中（）为重合

在画出逻辑图后，可能会发现所有链都有颜色了，但是我觉得（2） （5） （6）攻击起来会更有效果。
初次画图，请多多指正。

二
句式用词分析
初次写作，相信你已经体会到自己句式上的问题了。我觉得maybe 可以换成 it is entirely possible that … 这样也许会更加正式。我也从你的文章中学到了很多新东西。我的句式一直很成问题，所以
在整理也只能很简单的讨论一下。句式方面有以下需要改进：
1.
so 其实
可以用其他词替换，如 thus, therefore ,for that matter 等
2.
However 也多次出现，如果换成Yet, nonetheless 文章会更精彩。
3.
cause 也可以被替换为 serve to / be responsible to 这样是不是会更好呢？


初次修改，如有问题，欢迎指正

PS: 以后我可能都会用到逻辑链去改文章，所以欢迎大家提供改进的意见

weili0612UID: 2767606

【1010G精英组】ISSUE&ARGUMENT 习作 by lxklys

53.Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

This argument above presents that the shyness during infancy because of melatonin increased before birth according to the study of a group of 25 infants and this one continues into later life is not effectively supported by the reasons given. In my opinion, the author fails to recognize all the elements necessary to cause the one’s shyness no matter as an infant, an adolescent, an adult.

Firstly, it is necessary to evaluate the evidence of the survey by considering how it was conducted. Often single studies—even those that are well-designed—are constrained by the particular context or situation in which they were conducted and this limits the generality of their conclusions. Hence, that the 25 infants in the research studied 13 years ago may not be representative of all the infants in general. Even if the survey was broader, one must think whether it was confined in certain ways, such as the ways of infants selected. Perhaps, those infants may suffer from a disease easier to show distress. （样本的数量问题，使得数据不具有信服力）

Secondly, it does fail to find an inevitable relationship between the increasing melatonin and the signs of infants’ distress when exposure to unfamiliar stimuli, because the author concluded it without assuming other factors. For example, lack of calcium is a pivotal reason for the distress of infants, which is ignored by the survey. And the mother’s production of it is influenced by the nutrition absorbed in rather than a season. But I propose that it’s normal for an infant’s distress with these stimuli when the function of his brain is not fully grown. Moreover, it’s just a mild distress.（没有能够证实增加的褪黑素和婴儿distress间的必然联系，其它原因也会导致婴儿distress）

Finally, it’s not convinced that the conclusion of the shyness during the infancy and it continues into later life just relies on the ones who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. There is a significant difference between the actual characteristics and the identified one by others or themselves. And lack of clear critique to discern the indrawn and outgoing will cause the deviation. For example, one thinks that behaving the nervous in front of a stranger is shyness; however, the other believes that only fearing to talk to people is just a sign. So, the consequence of the survey may be a subjective one. Besides the innate ones, the growing condition of an infant is another important factor for his characteristics forming. If one experienced the growing-pains such as reproached all the time whatever he did and not be relieved in time, he may be shy in the later life. (实际的个人性格和自己认为自己XXX有区别)

In sum, the speaker’s argument fails to explain that the increased levels of melatonin before birth could cause shyness during infancy until his later life. The argument could be strengthened by providing evidence that the link is truly a casual relationship between melatonin and shyness, sufficient data collected, and illustration about how the infants were selected. Anyway, I would not accept the above argument.

写的很好，语言水平比我高多了。就3个观点上，第一驳样本数量问题。第二个驳褪黑素不是婴儿distress的原因，这方面举例我觉得可以说：秋天光照少了（材料给），不仅老妈多了褪黑素，可能其它荷尔蒙的分泌也过多或者过少，其它失衡的荷尔蒙或许才是引起Mild distress的主要原因。第三个驳个人认为SHY和确实SHY是两回事，因为大家对SHY的标准不同；且后天SHY和后天的成长环境有关，而非仅有褪黑素作用。
语言方面希望能给我些指点，感觉作者语言水平超好，下次帮忙改下我的，谢谢~

cynthia313UID: 2765794

【1010G精英组】ISSUE&ARGUMENT 习作 by Cynthia
Argument53:
The conclusion in this argument is that during pregnant time mothers’ high level of melatonin, a hormone have an affection on brain functions, leads to continuous shyness of their infants. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer cites the result of a study that 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress to unfamiliar stimuli were more likely to have been born in early autumn, when their mother produce more melatonin. More over, the arguer introduces the result of the follow-up study that more than half of these children who had show the signs of distress identified themselves as shy when grow up as teenagers. This argument is problematic for several reasons.

Fist of all, the reliability of the study which the arguer cites to support his conclusion is open to question. Firstly, a sample of 25 infants is not representative to all the infants. Secondly, the rule of judging whether the infants were distress is not given, different rules might lead to different results. Finally, the definition of the term shy is unclear. Different individuals might have different understanding of this subjective difinition.

Even if the result of the study is reliable, the conclusion that the high level of melatonin of mothers leads to shyness of infants is still unconvincing. The arguer confuses causal relation with corelation and unreasonablely assumes that it is the high level of melatonin causes the shyness of the infants, without providing any direct evidences. It is possible that the shyness of infants were caused by the changing levels of some other hormones rather than melatonin. It is also possible that some other factors lead to the shyness, such as,  genetic factors, environment factors, the moods and the diets of mothers, etc. One can not easily accept the analysis without ruling out other fators which might have effect on the infants’ shyness.

Furthermore, the arguer simply equates mild distress with shyness. No direct evidence provided to justify the mild distress of the infants to unfamiliar stimili is a sign of their shyness. Perhaps, it is the sign of sensitiveness, violence or some other characteristics. The arguer should provide more evidence to justify the relationship between mild distress and shyness.

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To solidify the conclusion, the arguer should provide more evidence to justify the reliability of the cited study. In addition, the arguer would have to establish the causual relation between high levels of molatonin and shyness of infants. Moreover, direct evidence should be provided to justify that the mild distress of the infants reflect the shyness in their characteristics. Only through this can we accept the aguer’s conclusion that the high level of metanonin of mothers leads to continuous shyness of infants.

xingfuhbjUID: 2769976

修改 whiteout习作  BY xingfuhbj(TEAR)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In this argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause mild distress and continues to be shyness in later life. The arguer bases on a research in which a group of 25 infants showed signs of mild distress and claims that the high production of melatonin caused this distress because the mothers of these infants conceived them mostly in early autumn, when melatonin would naturally increase. Additionally the author cites the result of a follow-up study that more than half of the teenagers who had been the samples of the research identified themselves as shy. I find the argument unconvincing for several reasons.
感觉开头抄原文抄的太多了，这样很难给rater留下好的impression的，而且关于内容的语言可以适当精炼点，更有逻辑性一点。建议参考66和adeline斑竹介绍开头结尾的文：
[url=https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=920961&highlight%5dhttps://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=920961&;highlight]https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=920961&highlight]https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=920961&highlight[/url]
http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-1073291-1-1.html

First of all, the argument provides no evidence that the result of the research which studied only 25 infants 13 years ago is statistically reliable. These limited samples cannot justifiably be able to represent all the infants who showed signs of mild distress. Although these infants were more likely to have been conceived in early autumn, it is unacceptable that infants who showed signs of mild distress were all conceived in early autumn. [感觉这两句的表达有些重复,貌似比较不native]Unless the researchers could have studied more infants as a whole to be representative enough, it is impossible to draw any firm conclusions.
感觉说理的分量不太够啊~ 咱都是学统计的~摆摆统计的定义也成啊，或者打个比方举个例子是不是会好些?

Even if the result of the research can be reliable, the author proves little about the casual relationship between the mothers’ increased production of melatonin and the distress of infants. Just because the melatonin is known to affect some brain functions does not necessarily mean that melatonin has the function to cause the distress of infants. [感觉这句会让rater觉得你逻辑不清晰~因为显然arguer并不是这样认为的.这应该属于主观臆断了~个人觉得你应该是直接从中式思维转过来的所以会这样写的缘故~]There may be some other factors which could have contributed to the distress of infants. For example, maybe there exists another substance which also increases naturally in early autumn just like melatonin, and this substance may be the real cause of the distress of infants. [这句话感觉语言不怎么精炼简洁~]Besides, some external conditions such as temperature, humidity, solar radiation and so on, which are obviously differ from those in other seasons may possibly be the cause of the distress. In other words, the argument cannot convince me that the mothers’ increased production of melatonin causes the distress of infants without accounting for other possibilities.[个人觉得说’argument cannot convince me…..’感觉不怎么native,这句还有点不知道奇怪在哪儿的感觉~或许就是这儿吧!]

Even assuming that the mothers’ increased production of melatonin and the distress of infants have the causality, the author makes a confusion between the distress of infants and the shyness of teenagers. The distress does not necessarily lead to the shyness and the shyness does not inevitably come from the distress. It is entirely possible that the shyness is influenced by family and friends or other factors.
这段的论述感觉太单薄了~只写了一句话~感觉要么前面的句子缩减精练一下,多写几句,要么直接跳过不写会比较好
In sum, the argument relies on two potentially weak researches as well as a series of unwarranted claims. To strengthen the argument, the author must at very least[貌似一般都是at the very least?] cite a more reliable research result which can firmly convince me. The author also needs to rule out other factors that may cause the distress of infants. Finally, the author must provide clear evidence that the mothers’ increased production of melatonin and the distress of infants have a logical relationship.[个人以为红字前面的一句话其实已经包括你后面说的这些了.]

每段假设EVEN怎么怎么样有种逻辑层层递进的感觉,这种方法挺好的~学习学习~
建议再回头看看自己写的A,试着让语言更native一些.
加油啦~~!!!

cynthia313UID: 2765794

The argument is well reasoned but there are still some questionable facets. First, the data provided by the survey is needed to reconsider. What’s more, the effect caused by melatonin is indistinct. Moreover, many external factors are not to be thought over when the conclusive has been drawn.（这句话好像有点问题：many external factors were not take into condideration before conclusion.） I will discuss the questionable issues in turn.
In the survey which conducted thirteen years ago, the 25 infants are a small part of all the infants born at that time. Perhaps they have been chosen in the same hospital or in the same region in which ever have( had) some epidemic diseases that may leave reflection on (不知道有没有这个表达方法也~可能用have effect on比较稳妥哦) the new generation. With the unrepresentative sample, the conclusion based on it is more doubtable.（Based on the unrepresentative sample, the conclusion is doutable.） As to the circumstance created in the survey, （这个应该是个疑问句，但是没有看见问号也~）have we ever consider(considered) that if an adult who is healthy and societal has been (were) put into(in) a situation with an unusual odor and there comes an unknown voice from a tape recording, the normal adult may show signs of mild distress as well. So we have no reason to ask the infants behave clam (calm)as(like) nothing happened. (这一点是否是想表达：mild distress不能说明shyness,可以作为一个逻辑错误来攻击，放在survey的可靠性里面讨论有点奇怪哦)Furthermore, he(the) author fails to convince us who may not quite into the field of biology that the melatonin would naturally increase according to decreased daylight and even lead to the mild distress of infants. Without an overall visual angle, we may regard melatonin as the key element which caused the problem.(这里应该表达我们不能轻易相信melatonin是起主要作用的，建议改为Without further details, one can not easily accept the conclusion that the increased level of melatonin directly leads to the mild distress of infants ) Even we admit the function of melatonin, the author is(does) not rule out other influential factors which may cause mild distress or shyness, such as social environment, inheritance and personality.
Finally, I want to argue the last and the most essential assertion that increased level of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. This conclusion is based on the follow-up study (which)is lack of the thinking about the external elements. As we discussed above that infant(s) feel(应该是表现出不是感觉吧~) the so called “mild distress” may leaded by（caused by） other factors, （前后因果关系不成立，有点典型中国思维哦）so we believe these factors will function during the process of their growing.（这句话后面从句没谓语动词，不完整） In addition, the education system, the family surrounding and social environment may change the 25 informants’ behavior（s）. Not only the negligence of external factors are(is) unacceptable, but also we need to consider some internal factors, such as personality, moral outlook and other bearing deeply.(Not only…But also…这样用好像不太对哦，应该是前面说什么什么Unacceptable,后面应该说还有什么什么也unacceptable) Because we identify that intrinsic factor play a leading role than extrinsic factor in every aspect of our life.（？？注意逻辑……）
In conclusion, the argument which seems logical at first glance, while there arise many flaws which is easy to find. （句式杂糅，直接说have many flaws.就可以了啊） The argument will be enhance by providing a specific survey data and take（taking） all the factors into consideration before the draw of the conclusion. It could be further improves(improved) by investigate(-ing) what (which) factor is leading to(leads to) the so called mild distress of infants and the shyness when they grow up.

总的来说，这篇文章逻辑攻击的逻辑错误都是正确的，好话就不说了，提几点建议：1.第一段可以简单概括arguer的conclusion,以及他所提出的证据、论点
2.不要使用太多第一人称，显得很主观，而argument需要完全客观，像we believe…这种超级主观的语句千万不要出现哦~（孙远说的，偶引用）
3.不要一味追求长难句，反而造成一些比较明显的语法错误。
就这么多啦~~梦梦加油~~~
                                   By Cynthia

elevenkarUID: 2791267

[Grounding on（好词哈） the study of 25 instant, supposing that the increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy , and then synthesizing（这里是做实义动词么？为何用进行时态呢？） the two facts that those infant who are more shy were conceived in a time when their mothers' production of melatonin increased and those infant are still shy in later life, the author accordingly suggest that the increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.（因为我自己语法也不是很过关，整个这一段作为一句话说实话我没有很看懂，希望作者看到我的回帖能与我讨论一下～呵呵 麻烦了）
However, it is apparently unscientific to choose only 25 infant to accomplish an experiment, nor to mention a great mistake that this proof was experimented without an control group. According to statistics, the arguer has defined the shyness of infant as an （a）random events which is palpable not an acceptable hypothesis. （）（觉得这句话存在逻辑上的错误 1 同学说accroding to statistic,请问accroding to what statistics? 2 此同学说词作者定义婴儿的害羞作为随机事件是一个明显不能接受的假说，也并无根据。 ） Though it have meet the two basic characteristics --nondeterminacy and randomicity, the probability of shy or not is not certain.
And an （a）man-made fatal mistake of taking only 25 infant as experimental subject lead to the lost of statistical regularity, which lessen the reliability. What's more, The lack of an control group make this so-called research have no probability of becoming an authentic scientific experiment. We can't exclude any possible variable that may influence the distress when the infant was exposed to the unfamiliar stimuli. However, Gregor Mendel-- the father of modern genetics--affirmed his two basic law after 8 years study of cross experiment of pea which involved millions of experimental subject and sharp control group. （这里是我要学习的地方啦，事例真的用的很好，我的文章中缺少事例的支持显得单薄）Nor to say that statistics toss the coin over ten thousand times only to discover the simple fact that roughly half will come up heads and half tails. Comparing to those famous experiment, the result of the research in the argument is obviously have little credibility.
Referring to the follow-up study, the absence of the study of growing environment and the research of the average level of shyness of their peers add to the uncertainty of this assertion（逻辑严谨，修辞得当）. As we can assume, the factors attribute to （这是把。。。归因于的意思，如果同学想表达“引起婴儿害羞的原因有很多”，应该换成contribute/induce /result in等等）the shyness of a child are numerous. For example, Marco Battagolia, an doctor from San Rafael university of Milan, Italy, have found that the genes relate to 5-hydroxy tryptamine--an neurotransmitter which can influence anxiety, depression or other kind of mental state-- are shorter in people who are more shy that others.（童鞋，你好NB， 您的事例积累太大量啦，膜拜ing）
Without the reference of their growing environment, whether it is their unhappy home environment or an accident they once suffered that result in their shyness（without 和whether连用而前面木有一个过渡好像有点无法表达通 我建议改成：Without the reference of their growing environment, we can’t simply deduce whether it is their unhappy home environment or an accident they once suffered that result in their shyness）. Besides, the average level of shyness of their contemporaries also accounts a lot. If more than half of their peers around the areas they live also show signs of distress identified themselves as shy, then the follow-up study can add any proof to the assertion. It's just like with a regardless of the fact that about 70% teachers in school have mental diseases; you studied the mental status of 100 teachers in a school with a result that 60% of them have mental disease and then assert that the mental status of those teachers are（is） terrible.What also deserved discussed is the sole effect of melatonin on infant. Along with the increase of the melatonin in autumn, there may some increase or decrease of other hormone which may attribute to the shyness.
In sum, the argument is logically flawed and therefore unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it, the author need more experiment and experimental subject to provide convincing proof to support the argument.
总体：仅代表个人观点哈～ 我觉得童鞋在文章结构上应该好好揣测一下，譬如分段上。尤其对于原文中逻辑纰漏的攻击主次我不敢苟同。语言以我一只小菜鸟来看绝对是不错的啦。另外童鞋的事例好NB，鞋习鞋习哈
b] 13# xingfuhbj

whiteoutUID: 2699068

The argument is well reasoned but there are still some questionablefacets.First, the data provided by the survey is needed to reconsider. What’s more, the effect caused by melatonin is indistinct. Moreover, many external factors are not to be(have been) thought over when the conclusive(conclusion?) has been drawn. I will discuss the questionable issues in turn.
In the survey which conducted thirteen years ago, the 25 infants are(were?) a small part of all the infants born at that time. Perhaps they have been chosen in the same hospital or in the same region in which ever have some epidemic diseases(貌似从句缺少主语) that may leave reflection on the new generation. With the unrepresentative sample, the conclusion based on it is more doubtable. As to the circumstance created in the survey, have we ever consider that if an adult who is healthy and societal has been put into a situation with an unusual odor and there comes an unknown voice from a tape recording, the normal adult may show signs of mild distress as well. 很少见到在列举对方错误时候用这种不相关类比来证明观点的，所以我不清楚这里算不算问题啦~当探讨好了~~举的例子觉得很恰当很好，不过不清楚在argu中这种方式是不是奏效。

So we have no reason to ask the infants behave clam(表达?) as nothing happened.
Furthermore, he（the） author fails to convince us who may not quite(?) into the field of biology that the melatonin would naturally increase according to decreased daylight and even lead to the mild distress of infants. Without an overall visual angle, we may (not?) regard melatonin as the key element which caused the problem. Even we admit the function of melatonin, the author is(does) not rule out other influential factors which may cause (the) mild distress or shyness, such as social environment, inheritance and personality. 这句移到which从句之前比较好


Finally, I want to argue the last and the most essential assertion that increased level of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. This conclusion is based on the follow-up study （which）is lack of the thinking about the external elements. As we discussed above that infant（s） feel the so called “mild distress” may （be） leaded （to） by other factors, so we believe these factors will function during the process of their growing. 没大看懂这段的逻辑，distress也许是由其他因素导致的，所以我们相信这些因素会在他们的成长历程中起作用？感觉表述不清晰，读了好几遍才明白要表达的意思

In addition, the education system, the family surrounding（s） and social environment may change the 25 informants’（infants’） behavior. Not only the negligence of external factors are unacceptable, but also we need to consider some internal factors, such as personality, moral outlook and other bearing deeply. 感觉not only…but also…句式，前后句式最好能在一定程度上一直，这种跳跃性的表示，很容易影响到本身的递进关系

Because we identify that intrinsic factor play（s） a leading role than（既然用than，前面是不是应该加个比较级） extrinsic factor in every aspect of our life.

In conclusion, the argument which seems logical at first glance, while there arise many flaws which is（are，前面是flaws） easy to find. 整句话句式有错误，the argument是主语，之后却没有谓语宾语，完全是从句

The argument will be enhance（d） by providing a specific survey data and take（taking，与providing并列） all the factors into consideration before the draw of the conclusion这个表述我不确定哦。。。个人意见：虽然draw有名词词性，不过好像没有看到过这种用法。

. It could be further improves（improved） by investigate（investigating） what factor is leading to the so—called mild distress of infants and the shyness when they grow up.

整体架构看的还是挺清晰的，不过有几处疑问。看了一些范文（当然也有很大局限性），几乎固定格式都是在第一段简要说一下例子，虽然北美范文中那老外说这不是必要的，不过貌似已经成了固有模式，我也不清楚像这篇这种直截了当开门见山式的OK不OK。LZ 大部分还是由于可以说马虎吧造成的一些小语法错误，个人意见，仅供参考。

PS:

刚刚看了xingfuhbj改的我的文章，发现开头是我搞错。。。lz这种直接了当的是推荐的，嘿嘿抱歉抱歉，我也要改正了！

whiteoutUID: 2699068

我想说。。。我中午下线之后没有再上过，一直以为我是最后一个。。。所以修改的是第一个。。。

不好意思了大家

cynthia313UID: 2765794

【1010G精英组】ISSUE&ARGU 习作 by Cynthia
issue130
1.开头介绍背景，引出观点
2.简单描述children socialization的重要性
3.转折，虽然很重要，但不是决定性因素。对social destiny depends on how children are socialized进行反驳
4.对我们是否又有效手段教育孩子进行反驳，提出“better society”是个不确定的定义。
With the dramatic change of modern society, almost every individual suffers from a complex life and an unpredictable  future. Children are required to learn dancing, painting, singing and all kinds of skills to adapt to the changing society. It is no doubt that nowadays children receive better educations, live better lives, and can get more information than before. However, birth rate dropping leads to the loneless of chilren. People without playmates in their childhood are likely to grow up with no sence of cooperation, no cognition of society, and no leadership. The over emphasis on skills of children, and the neglect of moral education, physical and mental health really cause many problems. Anyhow, the squarely claiming that “how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society, yet we do not know how to raise children who can bring about a better society" is not easy to be agreed.

On one hand, children’s socialization indeed have some effect on their adaption to the modern society. Through the process of socialization, children would learn about their social cultures and start to know how to live within it. without socialization, they can not know how to constrain their own behaviors, how to get along well with others, how to tell right from wrong, then how can they face up to the intricate society? In this case, children's socialization is vital for individual’s fate. On the other hand, children’s socialization is also critical for the society in inducting all individual members into its moral norms, social rules, attitudes, values, motives, language and symbols. Only through children’s socialization can we attain social and cultural continuity.

Although chilren’s socialization is crucial for both individuals’ fate and the social continuity, asserting that it can determine our social destiny is exaggerated. It is wildly accepted that children are our future, their actions might greatly affect the development of our society, but the factors which determine the destiny of a society must be intricate. The culture of a nation, the religion of the people, and even the geographic location are all the influencing factors of social destiny. Children socialization can be a dominative factor at best, rather than a decisive one. For example, in a same country, how children are socialized is similar, however coastal cities tend to be more prosperity than inland cities. Moreover, our society also have great effect on children during their socialization process, such as the social conduct, thus we can even say that it is the society that partly determines every individual's life.

Moreover, the importance of children's education should not be neglected, and whether we have learned how to raise children who know how to create a better society depends on how we define the term “better society”. Perhaps someone dream our society to be more stable and harmonious, while others anticipate a radical change. Since we do not have a unified standard on a "better society", the attempt to raise children who can help bring about such society is meaningless. If we define a “better society” as greater respect for individual rights and women rights, more cooperation between different cultures and nationalities, better understanding and acception of different viewpoints, then the young people of recent are creating a better society.

In conclusion, how children are socialized today only influence our society, rather than determine its destiny, for the factors which determine social destiny must be intricate, rather than a single simple factor. Furthermore, since the definition of a “better society” is not unique, the attempt for raise children who can help bring about a better society is meaningless.

yuanlinqinggreUID: 2755904

看到前几位筒子的文章，觉得自己写得十分挫。请同学往死里拍。

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 692
TIME: 01:20:00
DATE: 2010-4-19 20:06:17

Does socialization of children today determine the destiny of society? I think the answer depends on the definition of socialization. Argument can be made when it comes to different definitions of socialization. Moreover, we have learned a lot about raising children who may become helpful in the future while it is not up to us to judge whether the society is better.

If we narrowly defined socialization as the education children received in their school, it is possible that it may affect, not determines, the society in future. There is not doubt that the level of children's education will affect their competence when they step into society. Consider, those who don't even have a good command of his own major cannot possibly make contribution to the society, let alone about bringing a better society. Yet, as knowledge learned from the book is not absolutely the same when it come to society, those who merely have received a good education may also not qualified for some jobs which may possibly affects the trend of society.
Since their opinion about some other ingredients of society is more important, education is not the key factor which serve to one's achievement in the future, while it may also affect the destiny of society.


When we expand the definition of socialization as the process of children's meeting the need of society, it is indubitable that socialization determines the destiny of society. Since society is composed of various kinds of individuals, it is widely acknowledged that whether individuals meet the need of society has a great effect on the future of society. Consider, a society with few people qualified for most jobs in it will surely run at a low efficiency. Politician who cannot carry out effective measures when the recession hits will do harm to social welfare. Moreover, meeting the needs of society includes not only having a good master of knowledge learned in school but also being aware of other significant ingredients in society, such as cooperation and competition. Those who are not conscious of the importance of these ingredients will surely achieve nothing in society. For instance, as hardly any task toady can be done by only one person, one will achieve nothing if he ignores the importance of cooperation. Thus, it is whether the children can meet the needs of society that determines the destiny of society.

Although it is up to our children to decide whether the society has become better, we adults have effective way to raise children, which includes the process of socialization. As the way we teach our children changes when it comes to different ages, our methods to raise children are becoming more and more effective. For example, hardly can we find any answer for the questions we do not even know 20 years ago and now few clicks on the keyboard may solve all the questions. What is more, as the use of mass media becomes common in our life, it is both convenient and effective for children to have a clear view on anything. Nonetheless, as we have not right to determine whether the society in the future is better, we cannot place too much restraints on our kids. Some of our opinions may restrain their ability to innovate. For instance, some of us may have a bad impression about Colon; thus, we may imbue this opinion into our children. But we may also eliminate possibilities that Colon technology become more beneficial than detrimental in the future. For that matter, principles about virtues and human nature are both indispensable and sufficient; it is our children's duty to find their way to a better society.

In sum, as importance of socialization of children is undeniable, even though whether it determines the destiny of society depends on its definition, how we raise our children is also significant. As the development of technology, methods to raise child are improving rapidly and becoming more effective. Yet, it is both necessary and sufficient for us to teach our kids about the key ingredients in their life, such as love, virtues; it is their duty to find their way to a better society.

xingfuhbjUID: 2769976

KEY TERMS:
1.
child socialization:它的定义到底是什么
2.
determines 决定性的东西很重要，可以探讨究竟是不是A determine了B  
3.
unfortunately 这是一个转折词，可以探讨究竟是不是unfortunately3.
4.
not yet learned 这是一个事实4.
5.
better society 怎么样的society才是好的？


话说我终于把它给写完了~真的写的好烂啊~哎~逃课来写的~不容易啊~体谅下体谅下~
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Human, as the basic element of a society, is apparently of great importance. Since the essential characteristics are formed during childhood, how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. But it doesn’t matter whether we can find a certain way to raise a certain kind of children who can certainly help bring about a better society.

Socialization, a term used to refer to the process of inheriting norms, customs and ideologies.
(From wikipedia). It just “the means by which social and cultural continuity are attained”, said by John Clausen.
For the reason that children are the successor of the future society, they need to learn not only how to eat, how to speak, how to read, but how to cultivate good habits, how to form the self-concept, how play a social role, how to communicate and cooperate with others, how to tell right from the wrong, how to understand the culture of their own society. As the pace of stepping into the information age is higher and higher, the world becoming more and more integrated, cooperated and socialized, which requiring the change of child socialization.

Having realized the important of child socialization, people turn to look for a best way to raise children that was properly socialized to help bring about a better society. As a matter of fact, with over importance on child socialization, the children in the current society are over-socialized. The widespread computer and the information explosion lead to the fact that many children have learned the skills and habits of adults’ society too early to lost their natural simplicity. It is not uncommon to see an artificial smile in children’s chubby face now, adulation is a word not longer only belongs to the adults, nor to mention the deception which is permeated the world of children. People do have already felt the negative effects of the over-socialization of children, but what they have found just added to their depression and made them lose faith in finding a perfect way to raise properly socialized children in some degrees.

However, according to”Tao-te Ching”, Lao zi said”Do nothing, but do everything”, which indicating that the best way to find a way to raise properly socialized children is to stop finding. There followed an example. There once a famous architect who have finished the construction of an gorgeous hotel, but hit the brick wall to design some proper garden path, some path that passerby are prefer to walk instead of walking on the grass or flowers. However, with brilliant minds, he figured it out at last. Firstly, he plant grass on the whole garden with a notice board bearing ”welcome to choose your own way”. A month later, he asked the construction worker to put slates on the main path that formed by passerby themselves. The perfect garden path was designed in a nutshell. The idea behind the designing is just the perfect way that people is seeking for a long time. We can’t impose our own perspective of socialization on our children. They have their own feelings and thoughts. What we want them become is not what they should become. The only thing we can do is to help them shape into what they want to be.

In conclusion, though the child socialization do is important, we still need to throw too much attention on finding a certain way to raise the properly socialized children. Time will tell us everything.

weili0612UID: 2767606

ISSUE130 by weili0612
有进步就好，筒子们一起加油哈！~~~~~
130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
In my own opinion, I can’t agree with both claims of the author. I think it’s not only socialization that determines the destiny of society. Yet it may be a pity that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
Firstly, many characteristics of children will influence the destiny of society, such as their moral quality and intelligence. If children were socialized but without the ability of inventing, human beings would live as wolves, a kind of animal which is socialized but lack of intelligence. Then, the destiny of society would be utterly different from what we see now. Maybe we need to seek food for living as our ancestors, who also are socialized but not as smart as us. But that doesn’t mean socialization of children has no effect on the destiny of society. A plan such as Apollo to the moon can’t be achieved by only one man, but calls for partners who are intelligent, diligent or socialized to work together. And the habit of socialization should be built up when the future scientists or leaders are young. Sometimes, even a small thing such as building a new house can’t be finished by oneself. It is apparent concluded that socialization of children is one of the most important causes which will determines the destiny of society, but we should keep the balance between it and other crucial aspect such as the improvement of children’s intelligence, creativity and moral quality.
Secondly, I think it is so pity that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. However, someone always thinks that our society is more humanity, harmony and civilization. Yes, comparing with several past centuries, social progress is indubitable. Nevertheless, what is the definition of a better society? A society more comfortable, convenient, advanced, civilized, or harmony? In my own opinion, a better society not only means the improvement of material living conditions, but also makes persons feel happy and satisfied, and have chances to pursue things meaningful to them. Nowadays, however, the incredible development of technology doesn’t boost the harmony of society. Instead, it grows the gap of wealth with hundreds of people homeless and living in poverty.  And only a small grope of people enjoy the achievement of advanced technology. There are so many refugees in Africa and North Korea living without enough food and some even under war. Even persons in developed countries still live in a unharmonious environment. For instance, some work under competitive pressure for promotie and some, who suffer from heavier pressure, as leaders of a company must make crucial decisions which decide the destiny of the company. Therefore, I think we still don’t know how to build a society harmonious, even say nothing of raising children who can help bring about a better society.
In sum, the destiny of society doesn’t only depend on children socialization but on many other aspects. And in my opinion the way to make our society more harmonious and humanized is still a subject going on. Apparently, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

weili0612UID: 2767606

28# xingfuhbj
向你学习，先占下回Arguemnet的位子~

sunersunUID: 2734987

占个位子，一起加油！