[1010G精英组] ISSUE&ARGU 习作 by Group Energy

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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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Issue028

"Students should memorize facts only after they have studied the ideas, trends, and concepts that

help explain those facts. Students who have learned only facts have learned very little."

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                                 写作样式模板

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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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The issue is a complex and controversial one that whether students learn very little if they only learn the facts. Different people have their respective ways of looking at this issue. In my point of view, I agree that the ideas, trends, and concept do help explain facts. Rather, I hold that learning facts will be significant to be abstracted to build concepts, and sometimes we do not require learning ideas and trends that behind the facts. My view will be greatly strengthened by the following discussion.

Admittedly, the ideas, trends, and concept will be helpful for students to better understand the phenomenon in daily life. Take the natural phenomenon, rainbow, for example. We may see a beautiful rainbow when the sun coming out after raining in the summer. Students may learn the fact but feel confused and are curious about why the white sunlight can turn into many lights with different colors. The mystery of rainbow can be interpreted simplify and clearly, if students learn a little about the principle of optics—the scattering and reflecting may easily occur when the sunlight, which mixes with many lights with different wave lengths, is passing through the water droplet in the sky. Students will not only learn the facts and also figure out why and how, which will gratefully contribute to their further studies.

However, most scientific researches originate from facts, which can be further abstracted to form the ideas, trends, and concept. The example of Mendel can illustrate this point well. Mendel enjoys a higher reputation as the figurehead of the new science of genetics for his study of the inheritance of certain traits in pea plants. As a scientist, he conducts innumerable experiments on pea plants in his farm for years. It is the facts he learned from these experiments that led him to conclude two generalizations, the Law of Segregation and the Law of Independent Assortment, which later became known as Mendel's Laws of Inheritance. Student may learn nothing but the facts when they are doing the scientific research because they may conduct the unique and creative work without any prior knowledge that can be used to help them. But it would be useful to their future studies if students deal and analyze the facts carefully and insightfully.

What’s more, we may not require knowing the ideas, trends, and concepts which are little help to explain the facts and even wasting our valuable time. Take the study of a foreign language for instance. With a rapid development of modern society, the world becomes a small international village, which requires us to learn a second language that will be helpful to communicating with people in different part of the village. Two things, word, and grammar, are significant for the language beginners. We may not pay much attention to the figure out the questions such like why where are the words come from, and why the grammatical rules are strictly following in that way, especially we are not interested the culture of the language. For most people, we take the second language just not as anything else but a communication tool. The words are just we see, the grammatical rules are just like that, and we’d better focus on these facts not others.

To sum up, basing my conclusion on the illustrations and exposition mentioned above, accordingly, I hold that it is helpful to explain the facts by learning the ideas, trends, and concepts. Yet, it is also useful for students to learn the facts because they may contribute to exploring unknown areas, if they deal and analyze the facts carefully and insightfully. What’s more, the ideas, trends, and concepts may turn out to be stumble and do little help with the facts.

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Revised By  nanfeng25899

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批改标注:
1。红色，表示“错误”
2。洋红，表示“用法欠妥当”
3。蓝色，是我的批注
4。绿色，表示“很精彩的文字”

The issue is a complex and controversial one that whether students learn very little if they only learn the facts.【我在审这个题目是我个人认为重点应该在前面的那句话吧，后面的一句是前面的原因】Different people have their respective ways of looking at this issue. In my point of view, I agree that the ideas, trends, and concept do help explain facts【我觉得do explain the facts只是修饰语，而不是需要咱们白表达看法的关键，关键在于only after】. Rather, I hold that learning facts will be significant to be abstracted to【没看懂。。。】 build concepts, and sometimes we do not require learning ideas and trends that【不需要that】 behind the facts. My view will be greatly strengthened by the following discussion.

Admittedly, the ideas, trends, and concept will be helpful for students to better understand the phenomenon in daily life. Take the natural phenomenon, rainbow, for example. We may see a beautiful rainbow when the sun coming【语法有问题】 out after raining in the summer. Students may learn the fact but feel confused and are curious about why the white sunlight can turn into many lights【许多种光是这样表达么？即使可以也应该是不可数的吧】 with different colors. The mystery of rainbow can be interpreted simplify and clearly, if students learn a little about the principle of optics—the scattering and reflecting may easily occur when the sunlight, which mixes with 【不是混合而是包含】many lights with【感觉用of更好吧，这是本质属性吧】 different wave lengths, is passing through the water droplet in the sky. Students will not only learn the facts and also figure out why and how, which will gratefully contribute【前面想写的是greatly吧，红藕面应该用单三】 to their further studies.

However, most scientific researches originate from facts, which can be further abstracted to【不懂，。。。】 form the ideas, trends, and concept. The example of Mendel can illustrate this point well. Mendel enjoys a higher reputation as the figurehead of the new science of genetics for his study of the inheritance of certain traits in pea plants. As a scientist, he conducts innumerable experiments on pea plants in his farm for years. It is the facts he learned from these experiments that led him to conclude two generalizations, the Law of Segregation and the Law of Independent Assortment, which later became known as Mendel's Laws of Inheritance. Student may learn nothing but the facts when they are doing the scientific research because【没有因果的关系吧】 they may conduct the unique and creative work without any prior knowledge that can be used to help them. But it would be useful to their future studies if students deal and analyze the facts carefully and insightfully.

What’s more, we may not require knowing the ideas, trends, and concepts which are little help【helpful】to explain the facts and even wasting our valuable time.【这是接哪里的？？如果是接require的话，意思不太对】 Take the study of a foreign language for instance. With a rapid development of modern society, the world becomes a small international village, which requires us to learn a second language that will be helpful to communicating【communicate吧】 with people in different part of the village. Two things, word, and grammar, are significant for the language beginners. We may not pay much attention to the figure out the questions such like why where 【去掉why】are the words come from, and why the grammatical rules are strictly following in that way, especially we are not interested the culture of the language. For most people, we take the second language just not as anything else but a communication tool. The words are just we see, the grammatical rules are just like that, and we’d better focus on these facts not others. 【感觉有点中国】

To sum up, basing my conclusion on the illustrations and exposition mentioned above, accordingly, I hold that it is helpful to explain the facts by learning the ideas, trends, and concepts. Yet, it is also useful for students to learn the facts because they may contribute to exploring unknown areas, if they deal and analyze the facts carefully and insightfully. What’s more, the ideas, trends, and concepts may turn out to be stumble【这是动词吧】and do little help with the facts.


综合评价：
1 逻辑方面，我个人觉得你有写跑题，题目的重点并不在于ideas等是否能帮助解释事实，而在于“我们是否应该在记忆知识之前去学习帮助我们解释那些知识的ideas等，因为仅仅死学知识是学不到什么的”，题目是一个因果命题
2 语言方面，表达方式比较单一吧，尤其help用到了很多次，尽量不要多次重复。
3 语法方面，这次的文章中还是有一些语法问题的，希望注意一下。
  

kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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                                                             【1010G精英组】E小组第32次作业

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Argument186


It The following is a recommendation from the director of personnel to the president of Professional

Printing Company.


"In a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers, older employees were less likely to

report that having a supervisor present increases their productivity. Among workers aged 18 to 29,

27 percent said that they are more productive in the presence of their immediate supervisor, compared

to 12 percent for those aged 30 or over, and only 8 percent for those aged 50 or over. Clearly, if our

printing company hires mainly older employees, we will increase productivity and save money because

of the reduced need for supervisors."

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                                 写作样式模板

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拍文顺序


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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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In this argumentation, the author recommends that the company should hire older employees in order to enhance the productivity and save money. To strengthen his suggestion, the author points out a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers, which indicates that compared with the older workers, the young employees claim that they are more productive in the presence of their immediate supervisor. This argument suffers some critical flaws that seriously undermine the author’s recommendation and accordingly is not thoroughly well-reasoned. The main flaw of the article will be discussed respectively.

To begin with, the author provides no solid evidence to prove the cited survey that can be trustworthy. Maybe the involved young people are the new workers who are more productive because they may not familiar with regulations and operations working in the new factory. Their satiations of less productive are just for the time being, and will turn out to be more productive a few weeks or months later. Perhaps, the survey just investigates only a few employees in the factory, which are not representative of the workers in general. Therefore, without providing further evidence, the statistical reliability of the survey is open to doubt.

In addition, even if the survey presents the truth in the automobile factory, the arguer unwarrantedly assumes the situation is the same in the Professional Printing Company. It is highly possible that the automobile factory just hires the young workers with lees professional skills since the company pays low salaries to manpower cost, and they are turn out to be more productive only if they are in the presence of their immediate supervisor who will give their clearly instructions to helping them working in the factory. The situation in Professional Printing Company may be on the contrary, they hire the young workers with higher education background. These young people are diligent and hardworking, which contribute to be more productive even if they are not in the presence of supervisor.

What’s more, even assuming the older workers are productive without the presence of supervisor, employing older workers will increase productivity and save money is ungrounded. The common sense tells us that the young employees are more energy and can afford much time working in the factory since they will pay much time in their careers, while the old workers may pay less attention in their wok since they will focus on their family life. Plus, most young workers have an ability of fast learning which will be required in Professional Printing Company since there are more high-technology jobs. Although, the older employees take the advantage of experience working in the company, the young working will sooner become the qualified ones who will help company to increase productivity and save money eventually.

To sum up, the conclusion, which made by the editor who has disregarded or chosen to ignore¬ several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant of credibility. To better bolster to the reliability of the arguer’s recommendation, the author should provide more information about the telephone survey to confirm its reliability. I also want to know whether employing older workers are helpful to increase productivity and save money for the company. Only with further information provided by the author can I reconsider the author’s suggestion better.

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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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                                                             【1010G精英组】E小组第33次作业

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Argument238


The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's

board of trustees.


"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than

does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective

employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the

placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months

after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help

Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer

technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."

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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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In this memorandum, the author suggests that the Mira Vista College (MVC) should take measures, offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring more job counselors, to help their graduates find employment. To strengthen his recommendation, the author points out that most graduates in the Green Mountain College (GMC) had got jobs because of their providing the similar actions. This argument is not thoroughly well-reasoned. The main flaws of this memo will be discussed respectively.

To begin with, the author fails to consider other possibilities, besides providing more business courses and hiring more job counselors, which contribute to the higher employment rate in the GMC. It is highly possible that the GMC enjoys widespread reputation and their graduates are excellent with professional abilities that many companies are looking for. Maybe, the higher employment rate in GMC is due to it has a good relationship with large numerous of giant enterprises. It also possible that the graduates in the MVC with major that is not in great demand in the job market are hardly finding jobs, while the situation in the GMC is completely different which results in higher employment rate.

In addition, even if it is providing more business courses and hiring more job counselors that contribute to increase the employment rate in the GMC, the comparison of employment rate between the MVC and the GMC is unfair. For the one hand, the author provides no information about the employment rates are reported in the same period and circumstance. It is highly possible that the GMC is repots its employment rate recently in the situation of the worldwide          financial crisis, while the MVC’s employment rate is higher because of economic booming a few years ago. On the other hand, maybe the graduates from the MVC have got jobs but they do not report to the college. And it is also possible that most graduates in the MVC are more likely finding their jobs after three months later, and the MVC did not conduct the following up investigation.

What’s more, the even assuming the business courses and more job counselors are great help in rising the employment rate, the arguer provides no evidence to support his recommendation for providing more computer courses, and rules out alternatives ways to help their graduate with finding jobs. It is entirely possible that most graduates have learned the computer skills well on their own since most graduate families can afford to buy computers for their children to practice and improve the professional ability. The loss would outweigh the gain because the courses provided in the MVC may do little help, but cost the college large quantity money on these computers and other related equipment. Plus, there are other ways to increase the employment rate such as signing up contracts and agreements with local government or companies, and providing more promising programs that will in large demand in the job market in the future.

To sum up, the conclusion, which made by the editor who has disregarded or chosen to ignore¬ several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant of credibility. To better bolster to the reliability of the arguer’s suggestion, the author should provide more information about the two colleges. I also want to know whether the measures, offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring job counselors, will contribute to raising the employment rate.   Only with further information provided by the editor can I reconsider the author’s recommendation better.

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Revised By nanfeng25899

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批改标注:
1。红色，表示“错误”
2。洋红，表示“用法欠妥当”
3。蓝色，是我的批注
4。绿色，表示“很精彩的文字”

In this memorandum, the author suggests that the Mira Vista College (MVC) should take measures, offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring more job counselors, to help their graduates find employment. To strengthen his recommendation, the author points out that most graduates in the Green Mountain College (GMC) had 【这种文章中很少用过去完成时吧】got jobs because of their providing the similar actions【。。。并不是说所有的动词加上ing 都可以放形容词的；而且感觉有点本末倒置，应该G先这么做了后很好的效果，M才去模仿的】. This argument is not thoroughly well-reasoned. The main flaws of this memo will be discussed respectively.

To begin with, the author fails to consider other possibilities, besides providing more business courses and hiring more job counselors, which contribute to the higher employment rate in the GMC. 【没有太明白这句的意思】It is highly possible that the GMC enjoys widespread reputation and their graduates are excellent with professional abilities that many companies are looking for. Maybe, the higher employment rate in GMC is due to it has a good relationship with large numerous of giant enterprises.【第一，前后两个句子没有任何连词；第二，due to 后面应该加的是名词，加上the fact that】 It also possible【有点重复了】 that the graduates in the MVC with major that is not in great demand in the job market are hardly finding jobs【这句话有点中国；另外，后面为什么要用现在时态呢？】, while the situation in the GMC is completely different which results in higher employment rate.

In addition, even if it【指代不明】 is providing more business courses and hiring more job counselors that contribute to increase【应该是increasing】 the employment rate in the GMC, the comparison of employment rate between the MVC and the GMC is unfair. For the one hand, the author provides no information about the employment rates are reported in the same period and circumstance【about后面是不能加句子的】. It is highly possible that the GMC is repots【是reported吧，而且report用在这里是不是不太合适？】 its employment rate recently in the situation of the worldwide financial crisis, while the MVC’s employment rate is higher because of economic booming a few years ago. On the other hand, maybe the graduates from the MVC have got jobs but they do not report【用inform会不会更好一点呢？】 to the college. And it is also possible【这个用法用的太频繁了吧】
that most graduates in the MVC are more likely finding 【likely后面一般加的是to do】their jobs after three months later, and the MVC did【为什么变成过去时了？】 not conduct the following up investigation.

What’s more, the even assuming 【这是什么意思？】the business courses and more job counselors are great【加上of】 help in rising【最好用 to do】 the employment rate, the arguer provides no evidence to support his recommendation for providing more computer courses, and rules out alternatives ways to help their graduate with finding jobs. It is entirely possible that most graduates have learned the computer skills well on their own since most graduate families can afford to buy computers for their children to practice and improve the professional ability. The loss would outweigh the gain because the courses provided in the MVC may do little help, but cost the college large quantity money on these computers and other related equipment【和前面的句子没有衔接】. Plus, there are other ways to increase the employment rate such as signing up contracts and agreements with local government or companies, and providing more promising programs that will in large demand in the job market in the future.【什么叫有大量需求的课程？】

To sum up, the conclusion, which made 【应该是is made】by the editor who has disregarded or chosen to ignore&not【？】; several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant of credibility. To better bolster to 【没有to】the reliability of the arguer’s suggestion, the author should provide more information about the two colleges. I also want to know whether the measures, offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring job counselors, will contribute to raising the employment rate.   Only with further information provided by the editor can I reconsider the author’s recommendation better.



综合评价：
1 逻辑方面，思路还是比较清晰，但是有些谬误并没有挖掘背后的原因，而ETS得范文好像这方面做的比较多
2 语言方面，可能有点单一，尤其it is possible 这个句型用的太频繁了。。。
3 语法方面，错误还是很多，应该多注意一下固定搭配的用法和句子的衔接问题

nanfeng25899UID: 2629871

我回来啦~~~我会尽快把其他的文章补上的
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The conclusion that offering more courses of business and computer and hiring more counselors will, to large extent, be conducive for the graduates of the Mira Vista College(M) to promoting the employment rates seems tenable and sound at the first glance. But there are some fatal flaws in the reasoning and I will point out them respectively.

To begin with, the arguer deem that the employment phase of the Green Mountain College (G) is much better than M because there are 20% of graduates in G who are granted with the job offers from their potential employers. Yet what if the total number of these two colleges is different, for example, there are 1000 graduates in G while just 10000 students will graduate in M? If so, the comparison between G and M will be groundless and meaningless. In addition, the presidents supply no direct evidence that what kind of jobs the graduates of G have gained. There is a good chance that perhaps just 70% graduates in M get the jobs which outshine the offer of the G graduates. Therefore, if no more information about the student’s number of theses two distinctive colleges and the details of their prospective employers is demonstrated, the plausible conclusion cannot convince me.

Also, even if the G graduates find more satisfactory positions, we should not hastily owe this issue to the more courses about the business and computer technology. First, maybe G is Business College whose graduates will easier to get the jobs, while M is art or physical college. In society, the positions about those major are, undoubtedly, far less than those in business. Besides, if M graduate' jobs will have nothing to do with the business or computer, such the administrative jobs or others, there is no point in opening up those useless courses. Putting those precious money into other effective ways may be more beneficial for its students. Therefore, before the presidents rush to make the decision, he might as well figure out the potential jobs of graduates first.

Last, hiring more counselor means more students is going to enter their optimal companies? In some cases, it is true that mastering more job skills and owning sparkling resume will helps to get the ideal posts. However, in term of hunting for a job, what really counts is who you really are other than the man described in the resume. Even if you really get the jobs because of the exaggerated depiction in the resume and the interviewing skill imparted by the wise counselor, your inability to cope with the tough tasks will definitely get you out of your dreaming company sooner or later. So hiring additional job counselors may be an unwise decision.

Overall, before the president makes his mind to make this seemingly sage decision, he would better weigh up those facet showed above carefully. Only by thinking twice can there be a more sensible and persuasive scenario to be made.

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Revised By toywang

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The conclusion that offering more courses of business and computer and hiring more counselors will, to large extent, be conducive for the graduates of the Mira Vista College(M) to promoting the employment rates seems tenable and sound at the first glance.[TS点出结论，为列举问题所在，简洁明了。] But there are some fatal flaws in the reasoning and I will point out them respectively.

To begin with, the arguer deem that the employment phase of the Green Mountain College (G) is much better than M because there are 20% of graduates in G who are granted with the job offers from their potential employers. Yet what if the total number of these two colleges is different, for example, there are 1000 graduates in G while just 10000 students will graduate in M?【这个不是问句但用问号结尾】If so, the comparison between G and M will be groundless and meaningless. In addition, the presidents supply no direct evidence that what kind of jobs the graduates of G have gained. There is a good chance that perhaps just 70% graduates in M get the jobs which outshine the offer of the G graduates. Therefore, if no more information about the student’s number of theses 【word自检these】two distinctive 【distinguished？】 and the details of their prospective employers is【are】 demonstrated, the plausible conclusion cannot convince me.

Also, even if the G graduates find more satisfactory positions, we should not hastily owe this issue to the more courses about the business and computer technology. First, maybe G is Business College whose graduates will easier to get the jobs, while M is art or physical college. In society, the positions about those major are, undoubtedly, far less than those in business. 【例子举得很好】Besides, if M graduate' jobs will have nothing to do with the business or computer, such the administrative jobs or others, there is no point in opening up those useless courses. Putting those precious money into other effective ways may be more beneficial for its students. Therefore, before the presidents rush to make the decision, he might as well figure out the potential jobs of graduates first.

Last, hiring more counselor means more students is going to enter their optimal companies? In some cases, it is true that mastering more job skills and owning sparkling resume will helps to get the ideal posts. However, in term of hunting for a job, what really counts is who you really are other than the man described in the resume. Even if you really get the jobs because of the exaggerated depiction in the resume and the interviewing skill imparted by the wise counselor, your inability to cope with the tough tasks will definitely get you out of your dreaming company sooner or later. So hiring additional job counselors may be an unwise decision.
【对于攻击counselor 的攻击有点勉强，毕竟外在和内在一样重要，在一个优秀的内在的条件在对于相关的培训是有利的】

Overall, before the president makes his mind to make this seemingly sage decision, he would better weigh up those facet showed above carefully. Only by thinking twice can there be a more sensible and persuasive scenario【情节，剧本用在这里不合适吧】 to be made.
结尾段是否是限时没写完善？
语法和用句都很好，逻辑方面可能找的错误点不一样吧，觉得第三点攻击性没有那么强

toywangUID: 2700880

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TOPIC: ARGUMENT238 - The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees.

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."
WORDS: 513
TIME: 00:35:00
DATE: 2010/6/26 20:51:32

Based on the result of the survey which only take the graduate students of last year as example, the president of Mira Vista College decided to offer more courses in business and computer technology. The president only analysies the difference between the curriculums in two colleges instead of take other factors into consideration, such as the circumstance of the locations of two colleges. What's more, he does not take the data of Mira Vista College itself, the ratio of the graduation may be less than Green Mountain College but higher than its former data. The detail of the flaws made by the president will be explained one by one.

In the first place, the comparison between Green Mountain College and Mira Vista College should in the same level, that is to say, the requirement of entrance of them are the same and the location of are of the same economic levels. It is probably that the economic economical environment of Green Mountain College is developing, there are high demand of new labor and provide more chances for the students who step into society. In contrast, the city of Mira Vista College may have already developed and in such a high developed city the demand of new labors are not as much as others. In this circumstance, only the ratio can not represent anything and the conclusion made by the president will not make any sense.

What comes next is the discussion about the ration made by the survey. Firstly, the data collected only by the students who graduated last year is not persuasive. It will be more convincing to collect the data from the latest 3 or 5 years because the single data will not exclude many occasional factors and the conclusion made by it will impartial. Secondly, only through the ratio only present the person employed and without any consideration of the quality of their jobs. That is to say the percentage only reveals the quality instead of guarantee of the quality. There are exist some possible that the Mira Vista College students who get their jobs are knowledge-oriented job instead of some kinds of physical work.

In the last position is the feasibility of the solution made by the president. Even we admit that the situation we face today is that our college has a low ratio of employment, the solution that offer more courses in business and computer technology may not solve the problems. It is essential to take survey about which industries lack of labor and training student specifically instead of copy the experience of other college directly. Then, the hire of additional job counselors may not necessary because the problems of Mira Vista College may exist in the procedure instead of the interviews. The president should take a survey among the student who failure in find a job and conclude some solution which fittest.

After the analysis above, the main flaw made by the president of Mira Vista College is not carefully find the problems and do the comparison without the same premise. However, these flow is easy to correct and after a careful examine of itself, the improve of its ratio of employment is visible.

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Revised By Finn

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Based on the result of the survey which only take (takes) the graduate students of last year as example, the president of Mira Vista College decided to offer more courses in business and computer technology. The president only analysies (analyses) the difference between the curriculums in two colleges instead of take other factors into consideration, such as the circumstance of the locations of two colleges. What's more, he does not take the data of Mira Vista College itself, the ratio of the graduation may be less than Green Mountain College but higher than its former data. The detail of the flaws made by the president will be explained one by one.
(开头段落叙述有些罗嗦了，简要概述such as可以放到后面)

In the first place, the comparison between Green Mountain College (可以简写为GMC节省时间) and Mira Vista College should in the same level (the author fails to assume GMC and MVC are comparable in all respects ), that is to say, the requirement of entrance of them are the same and the location of are of the same economic levels. (that is 后面可以断开另起一个句子来写，后面是想表达学生质量和经济状况不同是吧？用whether或者provides no evidence/information…entrance of them表达不好economic levels表达不好) It is probably that the economic economical(?) environment of Green Mountain College is developing, there are high demand of new labor and provide more chances for the students who step into society. (这句语法有问题provide主语呢？表达不好) In contrast, the city of Mira Vista College may have already developed and in such a high developed city the demand of new labors are not as much as others.(这句和上一句意思有些重复罗嗦了)
In this circumstance, only the ratio can not (注意书写规范cannot) represent anything and the conclusion made by the president will not make any sense.(这句子可以不写)

What comes next is the discussion about the ration made by the survey. (首句要表达出主旨意思) Firstly, the data collected only by the students who graduated last year is not persuasive. It will be more convincing to collect the data from the latest 3 or 5 years because the single data will not exclude many occasional factors and the conclusion made by it will impartial.(总感觉写的有些啰嗦了) Secondly, only through the ratio only present the person employed and without any consideration of the quality of their jobs (句子不完整，主句呢？？). That is to say (怎么总是用这个，我感觉这个表达不好，有点口语化)
the percentage only reveals the quality instead of guarantee of the quality. There are exist (这个是动词啊。。。) some possible that the Mira Vista College students who get their jobs are knowledge-oriented job instead of some kinds of physical work. (这个是不是有气势体力劳动之嫌？你可以说赚的钱更多之类的。。。)




In the last position is (主语呢？？) the feasibility of the solution made by the president. Even (if) we admit that the situation we face today is that our college has a low ratio of employment, the solution that offer more courses in business and computer technology may not solve the problems. It is essential to take survey about which industries lack of labor and training student specifically instead of copy the experience of other college directly. (表达不好It will be wisely for the president to conduct a professional survey to find out the real demand of human resource in the job market. And take…. action…. ) Then, the hire of additional job counselors may not necessary because the problems of Mira Vista College may exist in the procedure instead of the interviews. The president should take a survey among the student who failure in find a job and conclude some solution which fittest. (表达不好)


After the analysis above, the main flaw made by the president of Mira Vista College is not carefully find the problems and do the comparison without the same premise. However, these flow is easy to correct and after a careful examine of itself, the improve(improvement) of its ratio of employment is visible.

小结：1、选词，表达欠缺，中国式表达现象普遍
2、语法错误较多，简单句较多，要长短结合，提高写复杂句的能力


3、逻辑说理略显单一


4、每段TS句不能表达出主旨意思

Revised by Finn

2010-6-26

  

kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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                                                             【1010G精英组】E小组第34次作业

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Argument164

Claitown University needs both affordable housing for its students and a way to fund the building

of such housing. The best solution to this problem is to commission a famous architect known for

experimental and futuristic buildings. It is common knowledge that tourists are willing to pay money

to tour some of the architect's buildings, so it can be expected that tourists will want to visit this new

building. The income from the fees charged to tourists will soon cover the building costs. Furthermore,

such a building will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. And even though such a

building will be much larger than our current need for student housing, part of the building can be

used as office space.

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                                 写作样式模板

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拍文顺序


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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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In this argument, the author suggests that the Claitown University (CU) should commission a famous architect to build affordable housing for its students. To strengthen his recommendation, the author points out that such action will attract tourists paying money to visit the buildings and new students as well as donations from alumni. This argument is not thoroughly well-reasoned. The main flaw of this recommendation will be discussed respectively.

To begin with, the author unwarranted assume that it is wise to appoint a famous experimental and futuristic architect to build the affordable housing for the students in CU. On the one hand, the common sense tells us that such architect will build the housing in an expensive way since he/she pursues the design ideas that are experimental and futuristic. On the other hand, such buildings are not guaranteed to attract tourists paying money to visit them as the author provides no evidence to indicate people are most likely to love the style of the appointed famous architect. Perhaps, people are not fond of such style of buildings that may be too obscure and abstract to be apprehended, let alone paying money to visit such housing.

In addition, even if the famous architect will certain to build such hosing that people are willing paying extra money to visit to, the arguer fails to think the buildings will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. For one thing, instead of housing condition, students will take other more important factors into consideration when they chose to go to a university, such as the reputation of the university, employment rate after graduation, the quality of teaching and living environment of local area. For another, it is highly possible that the university is a new one, and their alumni just graduate a few years and cannot afford to provide such donations. Even assuming the alumni have the financial capability, they may prefer to deliver their donations as scholarships for students rather than the fund of building new housing.

What’s more, the author provides no solid information to sustain the assumption that part of the building can be used as office space and there no alternative options for the university to fund the building of such housing. It is entirely possible that it is such experimental and futuristic buildings that attract large quantities of students to come to the university. And the entire buildings will used as student departments to satisfy the demand of applications from new students because the new buildings are more comfortable and economical than the off-campus housing. Plus, there are other ways for university to seek help with the cost of building such horsing. For instance, the university could ask help from the local government. Maybe, they can also sign some agreements or contracts with giant corporations to provide some incentives such as a higher priority to the employees’ children for their admissions in trade for some financial support.
         
To sum up, the conclusion, which made by the editor who has disregarded or chosen to ignore several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant of credibility. To better bolster the reliability of the arguer’s suggestion, the author should provide more information about the architect and the UC. I also want to know whether the new buildings will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. Only with further evidence provided by the editor can I reconsider the author’s recommendation better.

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Revised By toywang

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In this argument, the author suggests that the Claitown University (CU) should commission a famous architect to build affordable housing for its students. To strengthen his recommendation, the author points out that such action 【是否换成these buildings 好些？】will attract tourists paying money to visit the buildings and new students as well as donations from alumni. This argument is not thoroughly well-reasoned. The main flaw of this recommendation will be discussed respectively.
第一段是典型的先说结论，在解释理由。

To begin with, the author unwarranted assume that it is wise to appoint a famous experimental and futuristic architect to build the affordable housing for the students in CU. On the one hand, the common sense tells us that such architect will build the housing in an expensive way since he/she pursues the design ideas that are experimental and futuristic. 【这里只点出expensive，可以再升入说明超出一般开支或者本来目的】On the other hand, such buildings are not guaranteed to attract tourists paying money to visit them as the author provides no evidence to indicate people are most likely to love the style of the appointed famous architect. Perhaps, people are not fond of such style of buildings that may be too obscure and abstract to be apprehended, let alone paying money to visit such housing. 【加一个小结尾句总结两方面】

In addition, even if the famous architect will certain to build such hosing that people are willing paying extra money to visit to, the arguer fails to think the buildings will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. For one thing, instead of housing condition, students will take other more important factors into consideration when they chose to go to a university, such as the reputation of the university, employment rate after graduation, the quality of teaching and living environment of local area. For another, it is highly possible that the university is a new one, and their alumni just graduate a few years and cannot afford to provide such donations. Even assuming the alumni have the financial capability, they may prefer to deliver their donations as scholarships for students rather than the fund of building new housing. 【校友这方面把捐钱的方向在学业上提到前面说比较恰当。】

对于attract new students and alumni的攻击点很好

What’s more, the author provides no solid information to sustain the assumption that part of the building can be used as office space and there no alternative options for the university to fund the building of such housing. It is entirely possible that it is such experimental and futuristic buildings that attract large quantities of students to come to the university. And the entire buildings will used as student departments to satisfy the demand of applications from new students because the new buildings are more comfortable and economical than the off-campus housing. 【这些话都是对前面论证的否定啊，即使要让步也感觉有点过分否定了，下面也有点。】Plus, there are other ways for university to seek help with the cost of building such horsing. For instance, the university could ask help from the local government. Maybe, they can also sign some agreements or contracts with giant corporations to provide some incentives such as a higher priority to the employees’ children for their admissions in trade for some financial support.

关于office的论证是应该着重月office 的不可行以及对学生的影响，而不是找别的机构为多余地方买单。况且题目中说了是affordable的，大首先就是一种浪费

To sum up, the conclusion, which made by the editor who has disregarded or chosen to ignore several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant of credibility. To better bolster the reliability of the arguer’s suggestion, the author should provide more information about the architect and the UC. I also want to know whether the new buildings will attract new students as well as donations from alumni. Only with further evidence provided by the editor can I reconsider the author’s recommendation better.


   

nanfeng25899UID: 2629871

最近刚回来写作文，感觉手有点生了。。。
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The conclusion that commissioning a well-known architects will undoubtedly be the best solution to the problems of the Claitown University, at the first glance, seems to be considerably tenable and ground. However, there are several flaws in the reasoning, and then I will figure them out respectively.

To begin with, it is too presumptuous to judge that if the university invests money in the experimental and futuristic building, there will be numerous visitors who have an itch to pay a visit o it. Although the university claims that the architect is famous for the unique building, none can guarantee that his every work will be a masterpiece. If he fails, not only will there be no tourists to visit it but also the university will be in tremendous debt. Besides, even if the new building has a special appeal to the tourist, no visitors will be eager to see the place where the students live. What's more, without the permission of students, the university has no right to use their housing as a tool to make a profit, not to speak of the fact that this behavior has violate the students' privacy.

Also, new students as well as the donations from alumni will be attracted by such a building? It does not make sense. Imagine that if the campus becomes a favored spot for the tourists instead of a place to gain the knowledge for the students, who will have the desire to study and live their college life in such a university? In addition, the donation from alumni is completely the guess of the university. No one can be sure that just because the university needs fund to solve the housing, the alumni will certainly do a favor.

Finally, in spite of the fact that there will be spare room after affording to the students' housing, there will be no possibility that this part can be rent out as office space. For students, no one can stand this scene: every day when they wake up in the morning, there are strangers wandering in the passage who may be the clients, or the thieves. Moreover, no company will be eager to work in a place where the students live. For one thing, if the address of this company is the location of a university dorm, no clients will want to cooperate with them. For another, there is no doubt that the students will have a great influence on the efficiency of the workers. For example, the noise of the students is likely to distract the workers attention on their work. Therefore, even if there is superfluous room in the building, there is a good chance that no firms will locate in it.

Overall, before the university makes the final decision, it is wiser to make a research thus figuring out how the students regards this idea, what kind of buildings the tourists are keen on, whether the company are willing to locate in it and so on. Only after conducting those indispensible investigations will the university come up with the sagest solution to deal with this tough problem.

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toywangUID: 2700880

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WORDS: 511
TIME: 00:35:00
DATE: 2010/6/29 0:42:50

In order to achieve the purpose that to make enough houses for their students and raise money to build such housing at the same time, the solution that to commission a famous architect know for experimental and futuristic buildings is not effectiveness enough. As to the reasons to against the proposal which has already made will listed one by one. There are some practical problems exist during the process of the building and after.

What comes first is that there is no evidence to show that there will be enough tourists are willing to pay money to tour some of the architect's buildings, however, the discussion in the material is based on this assumption. On one hand, the building is used for the housing for its students, the feasibility of this kind of tourism is open to doubt. No one willing to pay the money and only view it from the outside instead of any perspective of view form the inner. On the other hand, the people who want to pay money to tour some of the building will not all the citizens or even many of them. Based on the degree of openness, the tourists must have some kind of study in the specific field instead of the common visitors. Without enough quality of tourists this solution will not make ends meet. Therefore, the assumption will not be proved and the result will not be persuaded enough.

Hence, even there will come enough tourists and they willing to pay money to tour some of the buildings, the author still lack of consideration about the will of the host and hostess of these buildings--students themselves. As a student, I will not willing to let people view my dormitory because it is same as the theory that you will not feel well if someone who is strange to visit your house. Without any consideration from the perspective of students, this action will prevented by most of the students or even cause some kind of obstruction.

In the last part, I want to discuss the action that to change part of the building into office space. In our daily lives, there was never existed this scene that office will coexistence with dormitory. As we know that, office space will be used for some important conference or the daily plan of the administrative. The faculties work in these offices may not will to work in this kind of circumstance as well. If so, the building which is not need will not take into use and this is the lack of the money which is not enough at the beginning.

After the analysis above, the conclusion is that the decision maker should not change the current proposal and change into some kind of decisions which are feasible and not reply on other factors which maybe not reliable enough. The decision made on the current level is very essential and the use of any building should be well arranged, only through a well prepared there will not exist any regret after the finish of it.

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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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                                                             【1010G精英组】E小组第35次作业

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Argument015

The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.

"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of


foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since

many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol,

the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We

therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock

in this company."

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                                 写作样式模板

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拍文顺序


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kingwyf87UID: 2457409

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In this newsletter, the author suggests that the investors should not purchase stock of Old Dairy Industries (ODI), and sell their shares if they have any. To strengthen his recommendation, the editor points out that most food products of ODI are high in fats and cholesterol which are not a favorite option by most of respondents indicated in the survey. This argument is not thoroughly well-reasoned. The main flaw of this newsletter will be discussed respectively.

To begin with, the author fails to substantiate the assumption that the survey results accurately reflect the desires of most consumers, or that the results accurately predict consumer behavior. On the on hand, the respondents may be not representative of whole consumer. Perhaps, the most of respondents are obese and required to control their food that contains low fat and cholesterol strictly which will benefits their health. On the other hand, children especially babies and athletes need foods containing higher fats. The common sense tells us that fats are good for the children and contribute the growing of intelligence, and supply the energy for athletes needed in their diets since they consuming much every day.

In addition, the mere fact that the low-fat foods are in abundant supply in many food stores does not necessarily indicate an increasing demand for low-fat dairy products or a diminishing demand for high-fat dairy products. It is highly possible that instead of paying much attention to the fat and cholesterol in food, the consumer may take the cost and the taste as their primary consideration when they are purchasing the food. Although people desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol that will be good for their health, they may most likely to buy the food in higher fats and cholesterol because these food may be very delicious and with a fairly reasonable price.

What’s more, even if the case that consumers tend to purchase more low-fat dairy products and fewer high-fat dairy products, the author unwarranted assert that the investors should not purchase stock of ODI and sell their shares if they have any based on the assumption that ODI’s profits will definitely decline as a result. Maybe besides the food market, the ODI has extended their business into other dairy related market, for example the beverage market. The investors may still befit their shares because the dinking products of the ODI have been widely favored and gain large profits for the company. Plus, maybe the manager of ODI has realized the current situation, and changes their production to produce foods containing lower fats and cholesterol. And the company is still profitable due to its good reputation, high quality, and reasonable price.

To sum up, the conclusion, which made by the editor who has disregarded or chosen to ignore¬ several aspects of his conclusion, is on the basis of scant of credibility. To better bolster the reliability of the arguer’s suggestion, the author should provide more reliable customer’s behaviors and detailed information about ODI. I also want to know whether the company has a ability to keep their profits continually increasing in the future. Only with further evidence provided by the editor can I reconsider the author’s recommendation better.

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