有空给你们改改ISSUE（含130分析/改完会短信通知/平均排队时间2周）

hythythytUID: 2857045

希望前辈能帮忙指点一下，如果太忙，就帮着指出整体需要改进的地方好了，谢谢
Issue 69:
"Government should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development."

What is scientific research intended for? To improve people's life standards by enjoying science-related conveniences, I think, is one of the best answers. In my opinion, it is such criteria, whether can bring about benefits, that be adopted for making judgements: whether or not, government should place restricions on scientific research and development. We cannot make a sweeping statement about this question, since it depends on different situations.

In some cases, government should not tamper too much with progress of science, if not, it may make for misleading scientific progress into an improper direction, or even encumber headway in science , therefore hampering advance of the whole society. Some historical events have proved this saying. Charles Robert Darwin was a famous English naturalist who claimed that all species of life have descended over time from common ancestors and proposed a scientific theory, which he called natural selection, resulting in branching pattern of evolution. Unfortunately, in that era, all the society was controled by Christian church, including the rulling class. They treated this theory totally as a freak, labeling heterodox thought on it. As time went by, it turned out Darwin was right and it was then government and religious leaders who impeded science and society moving ahead. Here is a similar story about  Nicolaus Copemicus, who was a Renaissance astronomer and the first person to formulate a comprehensive heliocentric cosmology. His theory displaced the statement that Catholic church belived in: Earth was the center of the universe, and therefore was rejected by the government under the control of religion. In addition, with the collapse of Roman imperial authority in Christian Europe, , the study of dissection became localised because of religious government, which was obstructive to the development of anatomy.

From all the typical cases mentioned above, we can find out that government may be not wise enough for some particular reasons. A religion-controlled government evaluated new scientific theories or reserches from a religious view,whose benchmark is whether fit for the dogma, not the fact. If such governments' will dominate science, it will be definitely unfavourable for human advancement in both science and society.

However, not interfering too much doesn't mean never stepping into. Everything has two sides, containing science. Science can be benifical to human beings and also can ba fatal to us, so in this situation we need government to supervise in an appropriate way. Should we do everything that our science and technology can achieve? Here are some big events in history and you will find out the answer. From 1932 until 1972, the US public Health Service conducted a study in which 399 impoverished blask men diagnosed with syphilis were monitored to record the natural history of that disease. This study was controversial for reasons concerning ethical standards, primarily bacause investigators refused to heal patients appropriately after the 1940s validation of penicillin therapy as an effective cure for the disease. This is the notorious scandal, Tuskegee Study. Although the stude of syphilis' natural history was very important scientific materials for treating this disease, it really crossed the line of ethics at the expense of letting almost 400 people die unfeelinly. If government had basic interdance to the research, such villainous event shouldn't have happened. As for embryonic stem cell research, it also required government's interdance by reason of the likelihood going against basic ethics.

Without supervision from government to scientific research, some scientists may focus merely on their own works, regardless of contravention of the moral, and may even do something baleful to the public. Especially in our time, possessing advanced technology and refined apparatuses,like nuclear weapon, clone technic, chemical and biological weapons, etc, if one of them is out of control, the whole human beings may be decimated, bringing about the most terrible catastrophe.

On one hand, with too much interference to scientific development, science may get into the bog and become stagnant, and on the other, without any supervision to scientific progress, it may turn into a cold-blooded killer and result in fatal calamity. So what should we.do? I think is to find the balance between two sides and take advantage of science to establish our society more modernized.

jiaojiaocUID: 2807152

:mad:楼主~~~我那篇就别改了..估计楼主如果要改。..就得帮我重写了...哎...

回去好好研究研究范文....

superlonglongdfUID: 2805941

谢谢楼主  我会好好努力的   祝您快乐幸福 84# sinbad_28

sinbad_28UID: 2147500

谢谢楼主~~如果楼主时间不是特别充裕的话给个整体评价好了，关于本句的第一句话do not do it我一直觉得别扭，但是不知道改成什么好，还有就是第四段也就body的第三段，这种把三个小论点凑成一大段的写法您看看这样可 ...
PsMaggie 发表于 2010-7-26 21:01

如果楼主时间不是特别充裕的话给个整体评价好了，关于本句的第一句话do not do it我一直觉得别扭，但是不知道改成什么好，
改成： .....while the educational effectiveness will fall short if it were approached otherwise. （注意，作者没说fail，只是说不是最好了。）
还有就是第四段也就body的第三段，这种把三个小论点凑成一大段的写法您看看这样可以吗
这样不好，如果这些观点和first，second是并列的话宁可分成小段，1句话一段都没关系的，层次清楚最重要。

TOPIC: ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
WORDS: 591          TIME: 00:54:39          DATE: 2010/7/22 11:35:16

From this assertion it seems that the speaker put a premium on satisfying students’ needs and interests in education while the education would fail if teachers do not do it.  I find this allegation to be specious. It wrongly suggests that in no circumstance can teaching succeed without meeting all the students' need. To a contrary this kind of pattern sometimes brings harmfulness. My points of contention with the speaker involve the fundamental objectives and nature of research, as discussed below.

First by scrutinizing some aspects of this assertion, indeed, carrying about one's truly needs and interests can bring up a student in a better way. One of the greatest scientists Newtown had a saying: the best teacher is called interest. Educants may feel being valued and respected when schools think a lot of what they really looking for, thus they perform better in their studying. For example, Samuel ChaoChung Ting who received the Nobel Prize was nurtured according to his own hobbies by his parents early in his life. "Just let him do what he interested in!", this is the father's answer while asked about how he trained a son of Nobel Prize-winning successfully. Parents guided Ding's learning orientation by his personal loving and then made Ding finally become a winner of Nobel Prize through letting go, trust and the type of respect of friends. Therefore, in this case we can learn that a personal interest plays an important part in one’s learning career. [题目是量身定做，但你却偏题到兴趣去了。。。。]

However, there might cause a counter-effect in efficiency if such considering use into every student specially. Just suppose if there are 100 children who are holding different needs and interests totally, what could educator do with the 100 kids? In terms of the speaker’s saying, teacher should find out the 100 kinds of needs and interests first of all and then designs 100 methods of teaching on a one-to-one basis----there is no need to explain how much time it will take, while students have already left school probably----then carrying out teaching programs on the students one by one. From this it appears that the speaker's suggestion is entirely low in efficiency.

Secondly, it would cause too much human and material cost. To treat each learner by different courses based on what he or she likes may lead to a consequence of admission of insufficient income which may result schools run down in worse. Thirdly, it is not so sure that scholasticals have already own the ability to perceive their social identity. They may not know what they really want clearly and may disable to figure out right judgments. Therefore there may has a minus effect if the instructor hands the initiative to the students blindly. Furthermore, people always love to do what they are good at. If let the students choose the subjects only they are interested in randomly, students will probably miss plenty of significant learning content and what's more they may become more and more self-center of which in some circumstance may the school bring up incomplete-knowledge-structural students while the purpose of the education is to culture all-round development of human resources. If we separate education from the individual needs and interests of each student, the system of education would become formalistic and consequently, a students' potential is tempting to be neglected and buried forever.

To sum up, the author fails to recognize that not in all situations will the type of education meeting individual needs and interests of each student be effective. In the final analysis, to bring up a kid should pay attention to many aspects such as one's performance in morality, one's absorbing in important knowledge, one's self-care ability and so on----and I would be hard-pressed to imagine a worthier end.

sinbad:除去上面回答的，我给你把错误的用法和严重的中式英语用红色标注了，自己回去查查好吗？

sinbad_28UID: 2147500

谢谢如如来佛转世般的楼主~~求点评~~感激~~~
TOPIC: ISSUE154 - "Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional  ...
indigo1007 发表于 2010-7-22 10:36

According to the speaker's claim, education is so important that it's necessary to get parents and communities involved in, together with group of professional educators to help the society cultivating more outstanding persons individuals [挖掘人才是中文说法哦，英文里没这么说的]. I agree with it as long as managing proper this matter is properly managed.

Firstly, parent, also can be called the "first teacher" acts as a key role in a
child's growth. At the time a baby was born, parents were the first people he saw, child didn't know anything until his parents told him, and gradually the baby learns to imitate every single words, movements or expressions of his parents. Therefore, he is likely to become a little copy of his parents. Moreover, child is the apple of his parents, so it's impossible for any parent to teach his child something wrong for purpose. In short, parents are the persons who teach you when you face a new question, correct you when you do something improper, supervise you when you are lazy and encourage you when you are upset having a bad day
. [开始是he，写着写着怎么变成you了呢]

At the same time, society factors also can not be ignored which are ultimately contributing to education. Firstly, society could help improving our quality of learning for the reason that schools could often get inconsistent assistance from it. Thus, with more advanced instruments and more comfortable circumstances of studying, students could learn better. Secondly, no students can be outstanding without exist of society effects. Students have to know, contract with and finally be in the complicated society and their mission is to apply the knowledge they learned from school to the society, so society factors are as important as parents mentioned before. [引入societal factor后必须要解释新名词的含义，到底是什么因素呢？另外，如果是和上面一段论点相同的话，那么应该是继续讲家长是多么重要，而不是讲社会因素是多么重要阿。]

Furthermore, to fully prove the significance of parents and society, we may look down to an example relating to an organization in the United States. The organization, Parent-Teacher Association (PTA) is aiming to support and speak on behalf of children and youths in schools and in the community, and before governmental agencies and other organizations whose decisions affect children; to assist parents in developing skills they need to raise children, and to encourage parental and public involvement in public school. [上面这句不是你自己写的吧？] The organization is made up of branches in every state and a statistic has shown that in 1993 its national membership totaled about 7 million in some 27000 local units and the number is increased year by year. This evidence lends the supports to the claim that parents and communities ought to be involved as the speaker contends.

Last, there is no substitute for a group of professional educators when coming into the importance of education. Educators are so experienced that they can easily tell which way is the most effective in learning that students would not go to the wrong way. Also, educators have abundant knowledge which could impart to their students, equipped them with more information. In addition, not only the knowledge but also some virtues like diligence, persistence, humility, politeness and so forth can students required from their teachers. [到这段逻辑就全乱了。怎么突然又开始说教育家是多么重要了呢？你的观点不是说家长很重要的吗？]

However，at the time parents, communities and educators exploit their advantages, they also bring about certain disadvantages which are sometimes hidden and overlooked. When care eventually becomes dotage, it's dangerous for students to form a bad habit of over depending on others. When so much darkness of society presented to the students, it will influences their judgments gradually. And if teachers at school are not that responsible, it will severely impede students' future.

In sum, education is something which can not be despised in any period of time. And raise a new generation is the biggest project in any countries. Therefore all members of society should be involved in the local schools as the speaker claims. [自己对照一下结尾和开头，偏题了没？]

sinbad:很抱歉，这是篇典型的中文写作。英语写作的基本句式，用词都非常薄弱。逻辑非常混乱，要知道这是个比较容易的题目阿。红色标注的是严重的语法错误或者表达错误（中式英文），有些给改了，有些没改。建议背诵北美范文，多看别人写的同主题文章。祝你进步。

LRXSSUID: 2695903

楼主。。。有个问题指点一下哈。。。
如果某一段落。。。基本都是一个例子的描述。。只有开头结尾申明了观点  好不好呢
如果不合适的话。。。一个段落。。或者说一个观点，例子和解释各占多少为宜呢。。
谢谢~~~

sinbad_28UID: 2147500

希望前辈能帮忙指点一下，如果太忙，就帮着指出整体需要改进的地方好了，谢谢
Issue 69:
"Government should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development."

What is scientific r ...
hythythyt 发表于 2010-7-28 00:59

Issue 69:
"Government should place few, if any, restrictions on scientific research and development."

What is scientific research intended for? To improve people's life standards by enjoying science-related conveniences, I think, is one of the best answers. In my opinion, it is such criteria, whether can bring about benefits, that be adopted for making judgements: whether or not, government should place restricions on scientific research and development. We cannot make a sweeping statement about this question, since it depends on different situations. [issue写作首句最好不要用疑问句，估计你是收了中文写作的影响吧？另外，首段一般是大家比较容易掌握的部分，但我不知道你是故意想别出心裁还是什么原因，首段读来磕磕绊绊，没有连接，一直到最后一句才看出你的论点。建议把北美范文拿来背10个开头，把套路一定要掌握。]

In some cases, government should not tamper too much with progress of science, if not, it may make for misleading scientific progress into an improper direction, or even encumber headway in science , therefore hampering advance of the whole society. Some historical events have proved this saying. Charles Robert Darwin was a famous English naturalist who claimed that all species of life have descended over time from common ancestors and proposed a scientific theory, which he called natural selection, resulting in branching pattern of evolution. Unfortunately, in that era, all the society was controled by Christian church, including the rulling class. They treated this theory totally as a freak, labeling heterodox thought on it. As time went by, it turned out Darwin was right and it was then government and religious leaders who impeded science and society moving ahead. Here is a similar story about  Nicolaus Copemicus, who was a Renaissance astronomer and the first person to formulate a comprehensive heliocentric cosmology. His theory displaced the statement that Catholic church belived in: Earth was the center of the universe, and therefore was rejected by the government under the control of religion. In addition, with the collapse of Roman imperial authority in Christian Europe, , the study of dissection became localised because of religious government, which was obstructive to the development of anatomy.

From all the typical cases mentioned above, we can find out that government may be not wise enough for some particular reasons. A religion-controlled government evaluated new scientific theories or reserches from a religious view,whose benchmark is whether fit for the dogma, not the fact. If such governments' will dominate science, it will be definitely unfavourable for human advancement in both science and society. [上2段你想说政府不能管太多，那我就拿你的达尔文例子来说吧，这个例子应该改写成这样：政府不停的干涉达尔文的科研，造成达尔文颗粒无收；但后来政府换届后不再限制，结果达尔文想出了“进化论”，云云。但你的例子是达尔文已经发表了进化论，结果政府不承认——但这不代表政府干预了达尔文做研究的时候啊。所以总得来说，这个例子举的不是很合适，更好的例子的主体应该是政府。]

However, not interfering too much doesn't mean never stepping into. Everything has two sides, containing science. Science can be benifical to human beings and also can ba fatal to us, so in this situation we need government to supervise in an appropriate way. Should we do everything that our science and technology can achieve? Here are some big events in history and you will find out the answer. From 1932 until 1972, the US public Health Service conducted a study in which 399 impoverished blask men diagnosed with syphilis were monitored to record the natural history of that disease. This study was controversial for reasons concerning ethical standards, primarily bacause investigators refused to heal patients appropriately after the 1940s validation of penicillin therapy as an effective cure for the disease. This is the notorious scandal, Tuskegee Study. Although the stude of syphilis' natural history was very important scientific materials for treating this disease, it really crossed the line of ethics at the expense of letting almost 400 people die unfeelinly. If government had basic interdance to the research, such villainous event shouldn't have happened. As for embryonic stem cell research, it also required government's interdance by reason of the likelihood going against basic ethics.

Without supervision from government to scientific research, some scientists may focus merely on their own works, regardless of contravention of the moral, and may even do something baleful to the public. Especially in our time, possessing advanced technology and refined apparatuses,like nuclear weapon, clone technic, chemical and biological weapons, etc, if one of them is out of control, the whole human beings may be decimated, bringing about the most terrible catastrophe.

On one hand, with too much interference to scientific development, science may get into the bog and become stagnant, and on the other, without any supervision to scientific progress, it may turn into a cold-blooded killer and result in fatal calamity. So what should we.do? I think is to find the balance between two sides and take advantage of science to establish our society more modernized. [结尾的问题和开头一样。]

sinbad: 很抱歉，这个题目我自己一时也想不出很好的例子来启发你，只是读了你的例子后觉得支持的不是很好。。。。 我就说下语言吧， 你用了不少生僻词，有几个我还不认识，但是更多基本的表达方式和句式都仍然不够娴熟，不知道你是不是查红宝书写作的，呵呵。最好的掌握写作词汇和用法的办法是查英英词典和读北美范文，如果某个词是中英查来的，一定还要用英英再查一遍，手一定要勤。

sinbad_28UID: 2147500

楼主。。。有个问题指点一下哈。。。
如果某一段落。。。基本都是一个例子的描述。。只有开头结尾申明了观点  好不好呢
如果不合适的话。。。一个段落。。或者说一个观点，例子和解释各占多少为宜呢。。
谢谢~~~
LRXSS 发表于 2010-7-29 01:36

如果某一段落。。。基本都是一个例子的描述。。只有开头结尾申明了观点  好不好呢
可以，但例子不要写的太洋洋洒洒了，论证是更重要的。

如果不合适的话。。。一个段落。。或者说一个观点，例子和解释各占多少为宜呢。。
如果首句和末句算解释的话，例子最好不要超过一半篇幅。

sinbad_28UID: 2147500

谢谢前辈！请您指教。
150 "Because of television and worldwide computer connections, people can now become familiar with a great many places that they have never visited. As a result, tourism will soon become obsolete
b6pp 发表于 2010-7-26 22:50

There is no way around the fact that in this day and age television and the Internet (and some other modern media) have become more indispensable than before. [自己再仔细看一下第一句，意思有没有说反了] However, when it comes to the relations between tourism and these media, I, though with some reservation, cannot agree with the speaker's claim that tourism will be obsolete since people can get more information of unfamiliar places through these modern technologies.

To begin with, if "tourism" are defined as one characterized by going to some "new" place just to see the scenery and listen to the guider's introduction, the speaker's assertion might be true in some extent. With the development of technology of television and computer connection, people today are given the ability to "see" the beautiful sceneries all around the world at home and learn a lot of knowledge about  the climates, customs, geography, etc. about other religions just sitting before the screen. Apparently, tourism must be obsolete and decrease as a result, under this circumstance. [tourism就是旅游的意思，完全没有你想的那么复杂，这段多余了。]

However, I hold the view that we should define "tourism" more essentially--in terms of an overall view including our spiritual outlook--then the speaker's claim might become a dual one [good！]. Specifically In particular, tourism is a sort of spiritual communication between the traveler and a new place rather than a poor and icy image or a word-description. For instance, one can certainly appreciate the pictures of classical architecture built in Ming dynasty via a connected computer and even scan the history of it, but what he cannot attain is the real feel of standing before the glorious palace and "touch" the history of this great dynasty, a period during which Chinese classical architecture art reached its top level. That is to say, a man without a trip to the architecture of Ming, most of us would believe, is an unfortunate victim of credulity of modern media, deprived one of the greatest opportunities of achieving a private intimate experience about with these cultural relics which is indispensable if one want to get a unique and unforgettable memorable impression from there. [well written!]

Admittedly, tourism, in to some extent, is indeed experiencing a decline in terms of the time we spend on it. For example, according to a recent survey in Kaohsiung conducted by Heckman Chang, a celebrated socialist in southern Taiwan, most people (more than 70%) nowadays prefer to spend their holidays at home and less time is spent on tourism. However, this decrease results from the modern life style (instead of TV and connected computers) which gives people so much pressure that they do not have enough time to have a tour. Therefore, it is not necessarily the case that TVs and computers will lead to a decrease of tourism.

Moreover, by contrast, television and computer connections, in my viewpoint, is not only an important part of our daily life, but also a great help of tourism‘s development. Firstly, television programs tell people more about the various attracting places all around the world, so people can save much time spent in looking for tourism destinations. Secondly, computer connections will help tourists find the path, transportation, hotels, and even native guiders, without which people would waste a lot of time hunting for these proper necessities. Also from the survey I just mentioned, over half of people claim that they will not have a hard time when deciding to have a tour, which means it is more convenient and time-saving than before with the help of television and computer connection. Consequently, it is not television and computer connections per se that make tourism obsolete and we should note the positive effects  benefits of them. This is especially true when we accede to the second definition of tourism.

In sum, I would like to come to the conclusion that the speaker’s assertion is an arbitrary one. We should first be aware of what is tourism and then understand how television and computer connection can makes a contribution to enhancing tourism, instead of make it obsolete.

Sinbad: 语言上基本没什么要挑剔的，用词非常恰当，语句结构感也很好，读来非常通顺，恭喜！唯独就是你说的旅游的定义，我觉得是多虑了，呵呵。不过不打紧。

b6ppUID: 2770374

99# sinbad_28
谢谢楼主！
我可能是写多了有点教条主义了，看见题先想讨论关键词定义。。。谢谢您的提醒和鼓励，我会继续加油提高的。
多有讨扰，顺祝安康！

indigo1007UID: 2858305

谢谢楼主指点~~~看来我是要继续发奋了~~~

LRXSSUID: 2695903

98# sinbad_28

谢谢指点！

竹雯兰钧UID: 2808439

Finally and perhaps the most importantly.

LRXSSUID: 2695903

LZ, 还有一个问题哈。。。
比如说130题。。。如果我说不同意 how children are socialized 可以决定社会的命运  他们只可以影响社会的命运  
然后举例说其他方面比如政治啊之类的。。。这些方面是如何如何的更加的influencial 他们才能决定社会的命运

是否有些偏题呢？
谢谢啦~~~~

艾羽暄UID: 2858702

这是我觉得自己写得最有感觉的一篇Issue了，请您多指教，谢谢~辛苦啦
Issue64“Many people know how to attain success, but few know how to make the best use of it."

Success, which is a lifelong dream of many people, means not only the attainment of wealth, favor or eminence, but also a desired state of mind,  which plays a vitally important role after one gets fame and fortune. While the way to success is well known by many in nowadays society, few people know what to do with success after the achievement of it.

In this world of competitions where everyone wants to be the winner, people have learned various ways to attain success. There is no denying the fact that the longing for fame and fortune has always been the unfailing motivation for seeking personal triumph. Parents tell their children to work hard and never give up when chasing their dreams. Successful men write books instructing people that perseverance combined with energy are the ingredients of success in life. Therefore in our society, there are lots of people winning and trying to win, armed with their wildest dreams and the energy needed to realize them. Apparently, most of them know the golden rule of success and the key to achieve it.

Unfortunately, however, a distorted conception of success, which identifies success with fame and fortune, is becoming a prevailing opinion among people in our society. After all, eminence and wealth are what one first and directly get after the achievement of success. And many successful people thus arbitrarily hold that, with fame and fortune in their hands, they have already reached the peak of life and as a result, they get lost under the shadow of success. Newspapers and TV programs are filled up with successful politicians who ruined their career by taking bribe or having an affair. And there are once successful businessmen who waste their success by spending large amounts of money on luxuries or even getting indulged in gambling. These people, though seemingly "successful" in their early life, actually ruined their achievements by not taking good advantage of them. And success, when unfortunately taken as ultimate target, leads only to stagnancy or even failure.

In a sense, it's how to make the best of success rather than how to succeed that actually counts in one's whole life. After all, based on the true meaning of success, what really matter are the ideas and discoveries encountered on the way to the goal, which are the imperative factors leading to the attainment of a higher goal for the future. As a case in point, Yuan Longping attained great success when he developed the first hybrid rice varieties that provided a robust food source in high famine risk areas in Africa, America, and Asia. After being titled "the Father of Hybrid Rice", Yuan has never stopped his research and now he is working on "the Super Rice", which yields 30% higher than common rice. Knowing how to make the best of his success, Yuan attained lifelong achievement in his career. This fully illustrates the significance of making the best of one's success--by setting up a higher goal for the future, one can make endless progress.

To sum up, knowing how to realize his dreams makes a man successful; knowing how to make the best of success makes a man keep moving forward and achieve success one after another. And that's what success, of which fame and fortune are only by-products, is all about.