Issue130 新手上路第一篇～求狠拍

ella_dylUID: 2595060

Topic: Issue130: How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

To be socialized means to follow the rules of current society and the way adults deal with things. Destiny of society indicates what our world will be. I do agree with the point that how children are socialized has something to do with the destiny of society, and to some extent, determines the future of society. However, what we actually do does not indicate that we have learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

To begin with, through children's growing process, they are unconsciously influenced by the way adults arrange everything. If a man is not a kind neighbor, his children would not treat their friends kindly. In addition, it is all accepted that schools have a duty to provide activities where students can be socialized. Consider, when a child joins in student union, he will learn the rules of communication with the board of education and the students whose interests he fights for. Children participations in socialized activities bring the first impressions and primary views of the social order, which more or less influences the mode in the future. Thus, how the children are socialized today decides what they will become. When grown up, children become elites in society, such as CEO, president, who
make vital decisions of the society. As a result, society will be what they want. Destiny of the society is in control of the children following us during their childhood.

Since the young determine the destiny of society, therefore the more excellent children, the better society .We also realize we must teach children to be a great person and contribute something to the world, which helps to bring up a better society. At school and home, the adults do teach children plenty of virtue, such as justice, goodness, tolerance, again and again, expecting they be great to lead a better society. However, our indeed is not in agreement with our thoughts. For example, a man is always smoking, but he keeps telling his son not to touch cigarette. Adults are really eager to set up good examples, but they fail. Thus, our kids are confused with the difference between our words and our behavior. Actually, they learn nothing from us.

What is worse, while we overplay the education of family and schooling, we ignore the invisible influence of the society environment, where the children learn every day. For example,
American government’s attitude to the Iraq Wars indicates that violence can be used without any limitation for the native interest. In this war, there is thousands of innocent populace killed cruelly. The capital city was totally destroyed. Under this kind of socialization, children learn nothing but that a nation can achieve its target through any possible ways, even including destroying others’ homeland. But most of us do not believe state affairs affects education for children.Through media and Internet, our kids learn injustice, violence, schemes which the government or company uses for interest. In such environment, can our kids bring up a better society? The answer is absolutely no.

In conclusion, how children are socialized can decide the destiny of society. And in many cases, what we do exerts an unconscious influence on the socialization of the next generation, which is far important to education at school and home. To help children bring up a better society, we should take our behavior seriously and create better environment for them.

plukaUID: 2721764

Topic: Issue130: How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

To be socialized means to follow the rules of current society and the way adults deal with things. Destiny of society indicates what our world will be. I do agree with the point that how children are socialized has something to do with the destiny of society, and to some extent, determines the future of society（多余。第二句已经说明destiny就是未来的世界，这里何以再来这半句?）. However, what we actually do does not indicate that we have learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.（1）老用indicate不好；2）整句话显得繁琐。尝试的一个版本：Sadly, our educators have not yet learnt to raise children that can help create brighter society.）【首先解释两个关键词，然后提出作者观点，简洁直接，可取。不过这道题出名的纠结点之一就在于“raise”等不等于“socialize”。从这个开头看，作者默认二者相等。那么个人以为后文就可能要注意二者的照应了】

To begin with, through children's growing process, they are unconsciously influenced by the way adults arrange everything.（这个TS不令人满意，因为没能与主题直接联系起来。我们的主题是：1）教育决定未来；2）我们不会教育。每段的TS都应该与这两个观点直接挂钩，而不是扯起另一个话题说‘成人对孩子影响大’之类） If a man is not a kind neighbor, his children would not treat their friends kindly. In addition, it is all accepted that schools have a duty to provide activities where students can be socialized. Consider, when a child joins in student union, he will learn the rules of communication with the board of education and the students whose interests he fights for. Children participations in socialized activities bring the first impressions and primary views of the social order, which more or less influences the mode in the future. Thus, how the children are socialized today decides what they will become.（其一：这个结论不太令人信服，因为前文的论证不够集中有力。首先，in addition后面的论述显得繁琐分散。学生会的例子想表示什么呢？只谈到孩子learn the rules,没谈到decides what they will become。后面participations似乎是例子总结，但与学生会的一句放在一起显得至少重复了一半。其次，始终没怎么论证decides what they will become。以学生会为例，可以谈到工作对学生性格、人际、耐压等等方面的影响，然后引出对学生的未来有影响。否则单靠‘bring the first impressions and primary views of the social order’一句实在没什么说服力。再次，私以为这个结论太武断，宜加以限定词修饰。）（其二，这个thus跟本段的TS偏了，没能对上。）When grown up, children become elites in society, such as CEO, president, who make vital decisions of the society. As a result, society will be what they want（这句严重需要修改，有幼稚嫌疑）. Destiny of the society is in control of the children following us during their childhood.（对照TS，偏了）【本段问题就在于‘偏’。首先是TS跟主题句之间有距离，然后是段内论证跟TS有距离。这是一开始经常出现的问题，有意识纠正就好。从TS看，我觉得作者可能是想通过这段论述成人社会对孩童的影响力，下文就可以接着谈我们没能好好运用这种影响力？但是从内容和结论来看，又是照应主题1）教育决定未来。联系后文，显然后者更可取。应修改TS】

Since the young determine the destiny of society, therefore the more excellent children, the better society .We also realize we must teach children to be a great person and contribute something to the world, which helps to bring up a better society. At school and home, the adults do teach children plenty of virtue, such as justice, goodness, tolerance, again and again, expecting they be great to lead a better society. However, our indeed is not in agreement with our thoughts. For example, a man is always smoking, but he keeps telling his son not to touch cigarette. Adults are really eager to set up good examples, but they fail. Thus, our kids are confused with the difference between our words and our behavior. Actually, they learn nothing from us.（本段的TS是however句。但它前面的连接和铺垫未免太长。私以为We also realize句冗余。例子尚可，语句简练些更好。）【这里就出现了前面提到的“raise”等不等于“socialize”的问题。前一段说教育决定未来的时候其实讲的是“社会化”教育决定未来，而本段的教育则是广泛的概念。这二者的区别和联系是什么？要不要分别论述？很容易搞混。慎重。】

What is worse, while we overplay the education of family and schooling, we ignore the invisible influence of the society environment, where the children learn every day. For example,American government’s attitude to the Iraq Wars indicates that violence can be used without any limitation for the native interest. In this war, there is thousands of innocent populace killed cruelly. The capital city was totally destroyed. Under this kind of socialization, children learn nothing but that a nation can achieve its target through any possible ways, even including destroying others’ homeland. But most of us do not believe state affairs affects education for children.Through media and Internet, our kids learn injustice, violence, schemes which the government or company uses for interest. In such environment, can our kids bring up a better society? The answer is absolutely no（过于绝对，不可取。难道就没有主旋律电视剧啦？）.【本段观点不错，值得论述。不过作者似乎惯用绝对语气，当心给人留下武断偏执的印象。】【本段与上段一起回应主题2)我们不会教育。建议在前面添加一个总体的TS】

In conclusion, how children are socialized can decide the destiny of society. And in many cases, what we do exerts an unconscious influence on the socialization of the next generation, which is far important to education at school and home. To help children bring up a better society, we should take our behavior seriously and create better environment for them.【结尾回应了主题1），没有回应2）。展望不能代替2）啊】

总体而言，表述需精炼，结构需完善。至于这种一面倒的展开方式，个人认为很难写好。事物总是综合的，过于绝对就很容易被人抓住破绽。比如针对本文，我就可以提出反驳：既然社会命运取决于孩子教育，那么我们的社会正在一天天变好，这岂不正说明了我们的教育一天天有效吗！因此一面倒需要慎之又慎，尤其是对这种有客观依据可以查的。如果是主观性话题，道德啦哲学啦什么的，一面倒就好办多啦，反正是我自己的想法，不爽你也没辙，还得尊重我说话的权利。
刚刚起步，LZ自勉。