Issue130 第一篇，求各位狂拍，万分感激

huanxiang47UID: 2789672

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

The children are the master of society in the future. Admittedly, the degree of children's socialization influences deeply the destiny of society . However, I disagree with both positions that the destiny of society are determined by how children are socialized and that we do not know how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.
For the society, the socialization of children is the one of means by which social’s harmony and propersity are attained. By socialization, the children are inducted into the skills required for functioning successfully in society. The children well socialized can blend in society positively and contribute more to the development of the society. To the contrary, if a child is not euduated with right values, moral norms, or motives of the society, it is possible the child become anti-social. The classical example is the terrorists, some of whom are falsely inducted when children. So the children's socialization counts for much to our society.
Nevertheless, there are other features which influence the children’s contributions to society. For instance, the creativity of children contributes much to the development of our society, which we can conclude from Henry Ford’s example. As a children, Ford had little formal education. But he often creat some creative machines by himself. Just due to the creativity, his introduction of the Model T automobile revolutionized transportation and American industry. Likewise, developing the interest of children is significant to our society. Consider the prominent Swedish naturalist,Carolus Linnaeus. Without doubt, it is the passion brought up by his father that drives him develop binomial nomenclature to classify and organize plants and animals.
Then, have we learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? Review the most recent century, ‘the children’ have made a better society. In the territory of technology, there are plenty of inventions making our life more and more glorious. The breakthrough of the medicine prolongs humanity’s average life time. The appearance of Network shorts the distance among people. In the relam of art, the prosperity of film, the richness of literature, and so on, make our life more colorful. Also the humanity environment sees a huge progress. The ideas of Freedom and Democracy strike deeper roots in the hearts of people. People have greater tolerance of different viewpoints and people who differs form themselves. The sense of resorting the path of peace to resolving problems has obtained the widespread approval. Apparantly, if we know little about how to raise children contributing to society, where do these progresses above come from?
Overall, it is many features of children, such as socialization, creativity, interest, and so on, that influence collaborately their contributions to our society. And in my view, we have learned much on how to raise children contributing to better society. Fundamentally, I disagree with both positons of the author.

iToldUsoUID: 2929900

The【The去掉，以下不再提醒】 children are the master【不建议用master一词。即时要用也应该是复数形式...推荐改用backbone】of 【the future】society in the future【删】. Admittedly【这词应该提到段首】, the degree of children's socialization influences deeply【建议换成greatly】 the destiny of society . However, I disagree with both positions 【换成claims】that the destiny of society are determined by how children are socialized and that we do not 【推荐此处加个actually】know how to raise children who can help bring about a better society.

For the society, the socialization of children is the【删。或者换成only】 one of means【换成the many ways】 by which social’s 【society's】harmony and propersity are attained. By【Through】 socialization, the 【删】children are inducted 【instilled】into the skills required for functioning successfully in society. The children well socialized can blend 【这个词用的很好很赞~~】 in 【into】society positively and contribute more to the development of the society. To the contrary, if a child is not educated 【implanted】with right values, moral norms, or motives of the society, it is possible the child become anti-social. The classical example is the terrorists, some of whom are falsely inducted 【indoctrinated】when children【during childhood】. So the children's socialization counts for much to our society.

Nevertheless, there are 【 many】other features 【factors】which 【also】influence the children’s contributions to society. For instance, the creativity of children contributes much to the development of our society, which we can conclude from Henry Ford’s example. As a children【语法错误。。。】, Ford had little formal education. But he often creat 【语法错误again...】some creative machines by himself. 【应该侧重说creativity并非socialization的产物，以构成强转折。注意socialization跟formal education是两码事】Just due to the creativity, his introduction of the Model T automobile revolutionized transportation and American industry. Likewise, developing the interest of children is significant to our society. Consider the prominent Swedish naturalist,Carolus Linnaeus. Without doubt, it is the passion brought up by his father that drives him develop binomial nomenclature to classify and organize plants and animals.【坦白说例子跟破题点都有些偏。。。为社会做贡献跟determine the destiny of society完全是两个层面的事情】  

Then 【then不能这么用。建议换成As for the speaker's second claim之类的表述】, have we learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society? Review the most recent century, ‘the children’ have made a better society. In the territory of technology, there are plenty of inventions making our life more and more glorious. The breakthrough of the medicine prolongs humanity’s average life time. The appearance of Network shorts the distance among people. In the relam of art, the prosperity of film, the richness of literature, and so on, make our life more colorful. Also the humanity environment sees a huge progress. The ideas of Freedom and Democracy strike deeper roots in the hearts of people. People have greater tolerance of different viewpoints and people who differs form themselves. The sense of resorting the path of peace to resolving problems has obtained the widespread approval. Apparantly, if we know little about how to raise children contributing to society, where do these progresses above come from?

Overall, it is many features of children, such as socialization, creativity, interest, and so on, that influence collaborately their contributions to our society. And in my view, we have learned much on how to raise children contributing to better society. Fundamentally, I disagree with both positons of the author.

暂时先改这么多吧。继续加班去了

huanxiang47UID: 2789672

改的很细致，很到位，谢谢楼上！

huanxiang47UID: 2789672

恩，第三段主题思想偏了，改成"Nevertheless, of children, there are  many other features which also influence the developmental direction of society."， 这样好些吧？
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