[美国&加拿大] 那封被耶鲁、斯坦福的Law School录取了并且从纽约大学拿到了63000美元的奖学金的PS [复制链接]

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发表于 2012-5-7 10:32:30 |显示全部楼层

那封被耶鲁、斯坦福的Law School录取了并且从纽约大学拿到了63000美元的奖学金的Personal Statement——点评
来源：刘瑶 lynda的日志
I stumbled upon a personal statement that was written for a Law School in the States on xiaonei, thought I'd share some two cents.

Original Personal Statement
I am a thinker, but not one to think out loud. I love myself, but am not in love with the sound of my own voice. I want to be loved, but not at the cost of not loving myself. I want to know everything, but realize that nothing can ever be known for sure. I believe that nothing is absolute, but I can absolutely defend my beliefs. I understand that chance is prevalent in all aspects of life, but never leave anything important to chance. I am skeptical about everything, but realistic in the face of my skepticism. I base everything on probability, but so does nature...probably.
I believe that all our actions are determined, but feel completely free to do as I choose. I do not believe in anything resembling a God, but would never profess omniscience with regard to such issues. I have faith in nothing, but trust that my family and friends will always be faithful. I feel that religion is among the greatest problems in the world, but also understand that it is perhaps the ultimate solution. I recognize that many people derive their morals from religion, but I insist that religion is not the only fountainhead of morality. I respect the intimate connection between morality and law, but do not believe that either should unquestioningly respect the other.
I want to study the law and become a lawyer, but I do not want to study the law just because I want to become a lawyer. I am aware that the law and economics cannot always be studied in conjunction, but I do not feel that either one can be properly studied without an awareness of the other. I recognize there is more to the law than efficiency, but believe the law should recognize the importance of efficiency more than it does. I love reading about law and philosophy, but not nearly as much as I love having a good conversation about the two. I know that logic makes an argument sound, but also know that passion makes an argument sound logical. I have philosophical beliefs informed by economics and economic beliefs informed by philosophy, but I have lost track of which beliefs came first. I know it was the egg though.
I always think very practically, but do not always like to think about the practical. I have wanted to be a scientist for a while now, but it took me two undergraduate years to figure out that being a scientist does not necessarily entail working in a laboratory. I play the saxophone almost every day, but feel most like an artist when deduction is my instrument. I spent one year at a college where I did not belong and two years taking classes irrelevant for my major, but I have no regrets about my undergraduate experience. I am incredibly passionate about my interests, but cannot imagine being interested in only one passion for an entire lifetime.
I love the Yankees, but do not hate the Red Sox. I love sports, but hate the accompanying anti-intellectual culture. I may read the newspaper starting from the back, but I always make my way to the front eventually. I am liberal on some issues and conservative on others, but reasonable about all of them. I will always be politically active, but will never be a political activist. I think everything through completely, but I am never through thinking about anything.
I can get along with almost anyone, but there are very few people without whom I could not get along. I am giving of my time, but not to the point of forgetting its value. I live for each moment, but not as much as I worry about the next. I consider ambition to be of the utmost importance, but realize that it is useless without the support of hard work. I am a very competitive person, but only when competing with myself. I have a million dreams, but I am more than just a dreamer. I am usually content, but never satisfied.
I am a study in contradiction, but there is not an inconsistency to be found.

Strength
This personal statement is constructed like a poem:  there is a rhythm to it that draws the reader in; there is also verbal play and the construction of a somewhat mysterious self-portrait.  This essay stands out because it is more artfully designed than other statements.  This is a good strategy if you are sure of your standardized scores or if you are applying to a reach school and so are trying to get yourself noticed.  An experimental personal statement such as this is just as likely to succeed as to flop, because some admissions committee members value creativity while others will be put off by the lack of specific details.  In its uniqueness, it is unclear how difficult this statement was to write; most admissions committee members will probably give the candidate the benefit of the doubt and see it as highly original rather than a series of clichés.
This statement works by a clever rhetorical trick:  The author will repeat a word in the same sentence but shift the meaning to a different, often contrary, usage.  For example, the author writes, “I believe that nothing is absolute, but I can absolutely defend my beliefs.”  Most of the sentences are linked in a daisy chain of associative ideas.  For example, the first paragraph moves through the author’s views on thinking, loving, and doubting.  The author then gestures towards interests in philosophy, morality, law, economics, music, sports, and politics.  In the third paragraph, the applicant tells us he is good at synthesizing diverse information.  The admissions committee will like this ability, as well as the humor that concludes the paragraph with the chicken-and-egg joke.  The statement ends with a character sketch indicating the author is friendly but ambitious and complex.  And finally, there is an important punch when the piece ends:  “I am a study in contradiction, but there is not an inconsistency to be found.”  This statement worked for the applicant because this person was accepted everywhere, including Yale and Stanford, and was offered a $63,000 scholarship to NYU.

Flaws
Although this statement is put together like a poem, it lacks the internal logic and consistency that would make it an outstanding example of the personal statement genre. The author starts out very well, linking each sentence to the previous one, but upon close analysis, the chain link falls apart rather quickly.  In the first paragraph, talking connects quiet thinking to self-respect, and then love connects self-respect to healthy relationships, but after this, the author enters stream-of-consciousness mode.  We learn the author is not religious.  He or she writes, “I know that logic makes an argument sound, but also know that passion makes an argument sound logical.”  The problem with a sentence like this is that it does not give the reader specific evidence that this person is either logical or passionate. This personal statement encases the author behind a rhetorical wall that does not allow his personality to emerge.  We do not have a sense of whether this person is trustworthy because we have no specific stories or examples to evaluate for the author’s ethical appeal.
The fourth paragraph is somewhat damaging to the author when we learn, “I spent one year at a college where I did not belong and two years taking classes irrelevant for my major.”  The admissions committee will wonder:  Why didn’t you belong at that college?  Why did you take random classes for two years? Can you be trusted to maintain your focus in law school?  The word play at this point waffles between clever and stale.  This statement would do better to begin and end with the verbal play, but to have a solid paragraph or two in the middle of personal narrative, in which the admissions committee really get to know the person behind this rhetorical show.
源地址：http://blog.renren.com/GetEntry.do?id=820556578&owner=230664264

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[美国&加拿大] 那封被耶鲁、斯坦福的Law School录取了并且从纽约大学拿到了63000美元的奖学金的PS [复制链接]

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