Romanus修改铺 - 7.17 sodapeng

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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The world is changing fast, people are less happy. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As the past decades have witnessed the remarkable changes in technology, these (What are 'these'? The past decades, or something else?) to a considerable extent change peoples’ life in a tremendous way ('tremendous' can describe changes, but not 'way's..). Everyone yearns for a happy life which may different from each other. Convenient transportation, means less time spent on commuting, enables people to save time to do other things (This sentence has two main verbs – 'means' and 'enables' – and this is not correct. A sentence/clause can only have one main verb.); advanced medical condition (You don’t really say a 'condition' is 'advanced'..), means the cure to many diseases have been found, allows people to live longer (Same problem as previous sentence.). These are the things that help people to build a happy life. (So, a lonely vampiric being who lives forever and can fly is the happiest..that's a joking thought. My point here is that I don't see how these points are relevant to your discussion – why do you think that people are happier now even though the world is changing fast. You need to explicitly draw the reasoning – that the fast changes in the world actually make these two things – better transportation and longer lives -  happening and happening fast, that is how people become happier. Notice how I've connected the main points in your argument with the main points in the question. Without this string of reasoning, your points will remain scattered and disorganized.) Therefore, I endorse that the world is changing fast, people are happier than before. The reasons are stated as follows.

I concede that the world is changing so fast, which to some extent leads to an unbalanced development. Many people prefer to leave the less developed hometown, less developed, for the highly developed metropolis, highly developed, (I've moved the adjectives back in front of the nouns because this is a very long sentence, and breaking up things into unnecessary fragments is only going to overwhelm your reader.) which to some extent aliens people with their family members because of less communication. Reasonable as is seems to be, cell phones and personal computers have spread all over the world. Just pressing some bottoms on cell phones, people can talk to their parents, and it only takes people a second to send an e-mail where it (If you use 'which', the subject of the 'which' clause would be 'an email'..which obviously doesn't read right.) may take a week to convey a letter. As the technology has developed at a rapid speed, many inventions are beyond people’s wildest dreams. Robots that can help people with their housework may come into possibility in the future, which also enables people to live happier.(So..what's the point of this paragraph? Your writing drifts from one sentence to next without any apparent flow, and this paragraph doesn't really have a 'point'..)

The invention of the automobile, subway and airplane allow people to spend less time on commuting, thus they will have more time doing other things. According to a research, conducted by a China newspaper, (Newspapers don't usually do 'research'es..what they tend to do is at most a 'survey'..) as more and more turnpikes were build to connect one city to another, it takes almost one tenth of time crossing Xi’an to Beijing by automobile instead of carriage.(1. An average American won't have much idea how far away Beijing is from Xi'an, but that's alright' 2. 'carriage' can mean 'rail' or 'horse' carriage..so which mode of transport are you referring to?) In addition, as the airplane has gained increasing popularity among people, people can travel abroad via long time flying. Enjoying the exotic culture and cuisine also allows people to broaden their horizons. Thus, people can live a better life.(And so? Even if your reader can somehow remember that in the intro paragraph you mentioned that a longer life makes people happier, 'a longer life' is not the same as 'a better life'..so what's the purpose of this paragraph? Which part of your argument are you trying to demonstrate/support/give evidence to?)

The advanced technology also promotes the development of the medical treatment. As more and more hospitals have equipped with high-tech and high –sensitive apparatus. (Fragment.)The cures to many so called fatal diseases have been found. Take me for an example. My grandmother had heart disease, a hereditary disease. Because of the less developed medical technology, my grandmother was died in suffering when she was young. Thanks to the highly developed medical treatment, I received the heart transplant surgery which allows me to enjoy a healthier life.

Take into account what I have mentioned above, I strongly believe that in these highly changing society people live happier compared with their ancestors.

总结：

语法上请特别注意单复。论述上有单边无视+漂移 – 就是你的论述发展是：有A和B人会happy，然后就很happy地去写A和B了。。这个题目是一个整句子，它不光是什么才能让人happy的问题，而是人是否因为世界变化快而增加或者减少了happiness的问题。。所以你所论述的happy的原因必须都要清楚地联系到世界变化快这一点上去。。我觉得你有这个想法但是你没能很清楚地把happy的原因和问题中的世界变化快这一点联系起来。。在第一段结尾我给你写了一句如何把整个论述画圆的例子，请努力做到脉络清晰。