staralways作文修改铺

greenyunUID: 193956

期待楼主的砖头拉！
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=302187 【已批改】

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-31 at 13:17 ]

dd_dogUID: 210312

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=297684 【已批改】

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=299330 【已批改】

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=299783 【已批改】

多谢楼主，辛苦：）

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-1 at 09:39 ]

Lysia21UID: 200871

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=302467 【已批改】

太谢谢了，批评的越重越好。感谢

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-30 at 13:41 ]

leo1001UID: 185894

果小冻UID: 208370

ter.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=30251 【链接有误】
辛苦了啊,万分感激你

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-23 at 00:28 ]

果小冻UID: 208370

帮忙看看,第一篇

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=300947 【已批改】
斑竹,请教,我九月二号考作文,觉得拿到作文无话可写,资料应该如何有效利用呢,另外时间安排呢?请指点,谢谢,辛苦了.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-1 at 09:44 ]

nancy_wangUID: 181423

以后请把文章链接粘贴近来即可，谢谢。

以下两篇文章是我分别花49分钟和35分钟写的，然后由自己改过的文章，刚开始动笔写了没有几天，望高手赐教
Issue 173. Originality does not thinking something that was never thought before. It means putting old ideas together in new ways. 【已批改】

Is it true that originality means organizing old ideas in new ways rather than thinking something nonexist ?I partly agree with the idea .In my opinion, It may be true in technology field, while it finds no support  in theories especially related to religion. There are several reasons why I say so.

Admittedly, when it comes to new inventions in technology, it means take an alternative and better way to do something. Take the computer-producing for example, when the first computer came into being, it was so large that it took up a whole room, however, with the new method of producing chips developed, it makes the computers smaller and smaller, even now some portable computers are so small that it weighs a couple of kilograms. At the same time, the core technology and thought of producing computers have remained the same. Another case is about the technology of paper-making. When the first paper was produced, it was made of cloth and wood , while with the increasing demand of paper, such material cannot meet the needs of the paper-making, then new technology of paper-making arose, then fiber has its use..These two instances illustrate that the originality in technology rely on the old ideas to break new grounds.

However, as for the invention in theories especially those related to faith, we had to forget what the old ideas are, and think in a totally different way. For example, the origin of the creatures of Darwin, which held different idea from the Christianism .According to the latter, we human are created by the God, while the former contained that we are the descendents of the monkeys. If Darwin had kept the old ideas of the religion, then even though he tried his best to reorganize the ideas, he could not think out the new theory. Another case can be cited to support my view is that the geocentric theory and heliocentric theory. According to the old Churches, the earth is the center of the cosmos, and all the other stars and planets circled around the earth; while Copernicus contended that it is the sun rather than the earth that is the centre, and the earth travels around the sun like other planets. Undoubtedly, if Copernicus followed the former thought, then how could the new thought is brought forward?

In conclusion, whether the new invention means putting old ideas in new way depends on the fields where those inventions took place, in some realms ,the idea is true, while in the others, it has no use at all.

/*********************************************************************
Originality does not thinking something that was never thought before. It means putting old ideas together in new ways.

Is it true that originality means organizing old ideas in new ways rather than thinking something non-exist? I partly agree with the idea .In my opinion, It may be true in technology field, while it finds no support in theories especially related to religion. There are several reasons why I say so. [非常简洁的开头。]

Admittedly, when it comes to new inventions in technology, it means take an alternative and better way to do something. Take the computer-producing for example, when the first computer came into being, it was so large that it took up a whole room, however, with the new method of producing chips developed, it makes the computers smaller and smaller, even now some portable computers are so small that it weighs a couple of kilograms. At the same time, the core technology and thought of producing computers have remained the same. [最好提一下是冯·诺伊曼的结构，不然其他方面还是有很大变化的。] Another case is about the technology of paper-making. When the first paper was produced, it was made of cloth and wood, while with the increasing demand of paper, such material cannot meet the needs of the paper-making, then new technology of paper-making arose, then fiber has its use. These two instances illustrate that the originality in technology rely on the old ideas to break new grounds.

However, as for the invention in theories especially those related to faith, we had to forget what the old ideas are, and think in a totally different way. For example, the origin of the creatures of Darwin, which held different idea from the Christianism. According to the latter, we human [beings] are created by the God, while the former contained that we are the descendents of the monkeys. If Darwin had kept the old ideas of the religion, then even though he tried his best to reorganize the ideas, he could not think out the new theory. Another case can be cited to support my view is that the geocentric theory and heliocentric theory. According to the old Churches, the earth is the center of the cosmos, and all the other stars and planets circled around the earth; while Copernicus contended that it is the sun rather than the earth that is the centre, and the earth travels around the sun like other planets. Undoubtedly, if Copernicus followed the former thought, then how could the new thought is brought forward? [感觉这段论述的有问题：你不能把科学方面的新发现与宗教思想去比较，这两者没有可比性的。如果这段如TS句所说的着重论述宗教信仰，那么就应该是用有关宗教内部的例子来论述。]

In conclusion, whether the new invention means putting old ideas in new way depends on the fields where those inventions took place, in some realms, the idea is true, while in the others, it has no use at all. [结尾这样写，没有什么太大的作用。]

文章在说理方面还可以再加强一点。另外，对于题目中的前半句“Originality does not thinking something that was never thought before”也可以考虑一下，作出一定的回应。
*********************************************************************/

Argu 18. 【已批改】
In the editorial in a newspaper, the arguer suggests that Prunty County should widen the lane and surface the roads rather than low the speed limit to improve the highway safety. To support his claim, he cites that most drivers there excel the new limit and the accident rate declines very little. Besides, he also points out that they should take the same measure as Butler Couny does; In addition, he adds, that major Butler County roads speed limits remain the same, while the accident rates dropped by 25 percent. Though all the reasons sounds reasonable at first, they are groundless actually.

First of all, the author assumes that to widen the lane and surface the road is the only means to improve the road safety. However, he overlooks other measures to reduce traffic accidents. It is possible that they can charge more fine with the drivers for their violating the highway code, or they can expropriate the driver’s licenses if  driver severely break the traffic laws; both of them can force the drivers to observe the laws and drive more carefully, and thus increase the safety. Without considering and ruling out such measures , the author cannot convince us that they should broaden the lane.

Besides, the fact that Butler County road accident rate decreased by 25 percent compared to the rate of 5 years ago cannot lend it support to the suggestion. It is likely that there were so many accidents five ago there, even after dropping so much , the rate there is still much higher than the one of Prunty County. For that matter, the author cannnot render his argument accepted.

In addition, even it is true that the measure of widening the lane and surfacing the road contributes to reducing the accident in Butler County, there is no evidence to indicate that such measure will be useful in Prunty County. Perhaps, the road conditions in Prunty County is not accountable for accidents because it is almost perfect. Perhaps, it is the bad weather that is responsible for the accidents. For example, there are many storms , typhoons or flood etc.

In sum, the author gives his suggestion on the unreasonable basis. Only he can provide more details about the situation of the roads of both counties, can he make his claim tenable. Only we are informed that the specific numbers of the accidents of the two counties, can we believe the suggestion is reasonable.

/*********************************************************************
In the editorial in a newspaper, the arguer suggests that Prunty County should widen the lane and surface the roads rather than low the speed limit to improve the highway safety. To support his claim, he cites that most drivers there excel the new limit and the accident rate declines very little. Besides, he also points out that they should take the same measure as Butler Country does; In addition, he adds, that major Butler County roads speed limits remain the same, while the accident rates dropped by 25 percent. Though all the reasons sound reasonable at first, they are groundless actually. [开头显得有点冗赘，对于题目的复述多了一点。]

First of all, the author assumes that to widen the lane and surface the road is the only means to improve the road safety. However, he overlooks other measures to reduce traffic accidents. It is possible that they can charge more fine with the drivers for their violating the highway code, or they can expropriate the driver’s licenses if the drivers severely break the traffic laws; both of them can force the drivers to observe the laws and drive more carefully, and thus increase the safety. Without considering and ruling out such measures, the author cannot convince us that they should broaden the lane.

Besides, the fact that Butler County road accident rate decreased by 25 percent compared to the rate of 5 years ago cannot lend it support to the suggestion. It is likely that there were so many accidents five ago there, even after dropping so much, the rate there is still much higher than the one of Prunty County. For that matter, the author cannot render his argument accepted. [这段的攻击有问题，感觉要着重攻击下这个25%的降幅，是否表明Butler Country的措施行之有效。]

In addition, even it is true that the measure of widening the lane and surfacing the road contributes to reducing the accident in Butler County, there is no evidence to indicate that such measure will be useful in Prunty County. Perhaps, the road conditions in Prunty County is not accountable for accidents because it is almost perfect. Perhaps, it is the bad weather that is responsible for the accidents. For example, there are many storms, typhoons or flood etc.

In sum, the author gives his suggestion on the unreasonable basis. Only he can provide more details about the situation of the roads of both counties, can he make his claim tenable. Only we are informed that the specific numbers of the accidents of the two counties, can we believe the suggestion is reasonable.

文章对于逻辑错误的攻击还不够深入；另外对于攻击顺序的安排还可以再有所斟酌。
*********************************************************************/

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-6 at 11:41 ]

commhcUID: 192491

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=302598 【已有战友互改】

辛苦了！

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-23 at 00:29 ]

staralwaysUID: 193479

Originally posted by lingli_xiaoai at 2005-7-19 17:32
眼光倒是挑剔得不行。

Critical Thinking就是AW的宗旨嘛！

蝴蝶结UID: 195566

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1
谢谢！

【已有战友互改】

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-20 at 01:53 ]

硬柿子UID: 204138

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D4 【已有战友互改】

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-22 at 00:25 ]

硬柿子UID: 204138

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D4 【已有战友互改】

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-22 at 00:27 ]

LeonS.KennedyUID: 194492

斑竹,可不可以给我改一下?

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=301229 【已批改】

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight= 【已批改】

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-6 at 12:01 ]

luoxi1000UID: 197343

7月25日就要考了，在scortnow 上作了一篇argument,得了4分，我觉得写得还可以亚，staralways帮忙看看啊。多谢！
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=302908 【已有战友互改】

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-29 at 12:54 ]

liulin12369UID: 2112878

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1 【已有战友互改】

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-22 at 00:31 ]