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[未归类] “为我所用”作文互改小组大帖 [复制链接]

ynuxuxu
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发表于 2008-3-23 20:12:35 |显示全部楼层

占座

加我一个~

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jennifergan
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发表于 2008-3-23 22:24:13 |显示全部楼层

双非DIY美硕申请总结

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guoshishuo
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发表于 2008-3-23 22:26:27 |显示全部楼层

占座

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ellis
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发表于 2008-3-23 22:57:15 |显示全部楼层

占座

第一次作业
Issue17
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=816822&extra=page%3D1

第二次作业
Issue130
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=816956&extra=page%3D2
Argu147
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-817098-1-1.html

第四次作业
Issue208
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=817769&extra=page%3D3

第九次作业
Issue144
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=821035&extra=page%3D11
Argu117
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=821455&extra=page%3D1

第十一次作业
Issue147
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=822177&extra=page%3D1

第十二次作业
Issue51
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=823044&extra=page%3D1

[ 本帖最后由 ellis 于 2008-4-7 22:35 编辑 ]

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angelajie
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发表于 2008-3-24 00:26:20 |显示全部楼层

也占座交作业啦!

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jennifergan
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发表于 2008-3-24 19:31:10 |显示全部楼层

第一次作业：
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-816909-1-1.html

第二次作业：
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-816907-1-1.html

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hxd86
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发表于 2008-3-24 22:17:16 |显示全部楼层

第二次作业抱歉老师压堂到9：50~

ISSUE130
http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-816977-1-1.html
ARGUMENT147
http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-816978-1-1.html

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flair1031
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发表于 2008-3-25 22:11:36 |显示全部楼层

TOPIC: ARGUMENT8 - The following appeared in a memorandum issued by the strategic planning department at Omni Inc.

"Mesa Foods, a manufacturer of snack foods that currently markets its products within a relatively small region of the country, has strong growth potential. Mesa enjoyed a 20 percent increase in profits last year, and its best-selling product, Diabolique Salsa, has had increased sales over each of the past three years. Since Omni Inc. is interested in reaching 14-to-25 year olds, the age group that consumes the most snack food, we should buy Mesa Foods, and concentrate in particular on marketing Diabolique Salsa throughout the country."
WORDS: 397 TIME: 00:45:00 DATE: 2008-3-20 0:01:15

The planner's recommendation seems to have some merit at first glance that the Omni Inc should buy Mesa Foods ,and focus on the manufacture and marketing of Diabolique Salsa all over the country. After all, the planner does provide some relevant evidence concerning the strong growth potential. Nevertheless, several serious fallacies that the recommendation suffers from undermine the line of reasoning.

First of all, one seemingly overwhelming reason of the recommendation comes from the fact that Mesa Foods enjoyed a 20 percent increase in profits last year. However, it is not persuasive enough to conclude that the company can enjoy such increasing profits all the same（什么意思？）. Maybe, yet（有点多余，前面有however了需要再转折么）, the current profits are not so satisfactory and even begin to incline（是想说下降吧，decline）, which can hardly help predict a strong growth in the future. Especially, when it comes to the best-selling product, Diaboliqu Salsa, the planner fails to demonstrate that the profits have being booming gradually during the past three years. In other words, there is no evidence to validate that the profits increased last year are the fastest among the three. Maybe, the sale of Diabolique Salsa last year goes with a low growth. Therefore, lacking of credibility, it is unconvincing to assert that Mesa Foods has strong growth potential.

In addition, the fact that the 14-to-25 year olds ,the age group at which Omni Inc is aiming, consumes(consume) the most snack food is another seeming convincing reason presented by the planner. But he falsely equates the Omni Inc's goal to the preference of 14-to-25 year olds. There is great possibility for the young to choose the snack food of other companies, rather than that of Omni Inc. In other words, it is logically questionable to argue that the 14-to-25 year olds will prefer the products made by Omni Inc, since the company is interested in reaching this age group.
可以再加些具体理由么？

Finally, what seems to be reasonable and justified involves that Omni Inc should buy Mesa Foods and concentrate in particular on marketing Diabolique Salsa, turns out to be absurd because the planner unnecessarily extends the local situation to the whole country. Even if people are interested in Mesa Foods, yet no data that comes from study the market all over the country, promise that most people will enjoy Diabolique Salsa best of all.
建议再加些人们不选择Diabolique Salsa的具体理由，价钱，口味，广告宣传，竞争，等等

In sum,the argument lacks of credibility as it stands. To make it logically acceptable, the planner would have to produce more evidence concerning the stastical data of the profit of Mesa Foods during the past three years, together with the people’s taste to snack food all over the country.

总体我觉得语句已经不错了，就是攻击的时候再具体一些就比较有说服力，也可以多点字数嘛。
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第一次的作业改完不知道是谁的了..貌似是大贴之前一个帖子的顺序..大家都看下巴..

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