issue130 第一篇issue by wildrose800331

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

Issue 130
“How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who help bring out a better society.”


6.17 7:50
59 mins
545words
Identity is what you say, what you think, what you do and so forth, which is formed and modified by previous personal experience and external requirements of contextual settings. Individual identity, pooled together, contributes to social identity or national identity. In this light, how children are socialized today determines the orientation or direction of society as a whole. Consequently, children’s education is essential to the future of society, while based on current situation under satisfaction, it requires much more efforts of parents, schools and society together.

Some misguided treatment or attitude prevails in parents. Parents, on the one hand, spoil their children extravagantly. They give whatever their kids want, just to form their materialization greed; they do more than they should to replace their children’s jobs, even daily routine ones including dressing, peeling egg shells and others, which merely stimulates kids’ laziness and overdependence. Parents, on the other hand, are strict to their children in the field of exams and contests. They encourage or even push their kids to perform excellently and beat their rivalries in those academic competitions for the bright future of kids themselves. They attach more importance to competition rather than cooperation. Brought up by such parents, who are the mainstream of parents today, children are materialized, dependent and competitive in an irrational degree.

Schools, the major role of education, also have some unsatisfactory misconduct. Firstly, they pay much attention to academic achievement and may neglect due moral reinforcement. Their graduates may get high scores in their study but have little idea about a good citizen or basically, a good person. This misguide may bring reputation to the schools in a few years but ruin them in the long run; secondly, circumscribed to academic arena, teachers tend to adopt the methods of drilling, rote, memorizing instead of imagination, association and creation, in order to meet the ends of exam orientation; similarly, owing to too much focus on the paper exams, schools may give up the chance of field trips or internships in which students can apply theory into practice, instead, they teach students textbooks, hand out infinite simulated exams and instill only one correct answer of each exercise.

Social community, as a larger interactive context, also needs retrospecting on itself. In a macroscopic way, society gives less or even little pressure to these future backbones of society. It is true that compared to grandparents’ times of war and death, and parents’ times of poverty and recession, it is quite safe and prosperous now, but this can not justify little expectation of children from society. Every generation has its duty and ministry devoted to a better society and this process never ends. In a microscopic aspect, some improvement or modification should be made urgently, for instance, to advertisements or website access. Some of them filled with sex, violence, luxury enjoyment or other distorted values need to be strictly censored and limited available or unavailable to kids under certain age, who have not formed their own judgment yet.

Children, the constructor of future society, deserve better cultivation and education from families, schools and society. In turn, they will repay the givers with their intelligent accomplishments, moral merits and responsibility fulfillment, all of which will definitely set a good example to their children over generations.

sakuraanneUID: 2253519

Identity is what you say, what you think, what you do and so forth, which is formed and modified by previous personal experience and external requirements of contextual settings. （用identity定义开头就有不太切题的危险，偏离socialization太远，虽然可以一步步联系上，但又过于浪费开头，缺乏一针见血，单刀直入切入主题的魄力。同时，过慢进入主题讨论也会消耗考场时间，从而削弱后面对正题讨论。）
Individual identity, pooled together, contributes to social identity or national identity. In this light（in what light？）, how children are socialized today determines the orientation or direction of society as a whole. Consequently（why？）, children’s education（education= how children are socialized？内在逻辑流动需要更加紧密，） is essential to the future of society, while based on current situation under satisfaction, it requires much more efforts of parents, schools and society together.
你的逻辑是教育决定个体，个体构成总体，education greatly helps the better socialization of individual. Therefore, individual identity, pooled together, contributes to social identity or national identity. 段落内逻辑稍显混乱，可能是一味想用定义起头而忽视了逻辑的自然流动造成的。
但是，即使你改进了原有的论证顺序，内容上破题的不足已然显露。题目本意是分前后两句递进式讨论，先看是否认同社会化决定社会命运，再看你立足在前面的观点对后半句是否同意。你的破题对题目内涵囫囵吞枣，没有明确其双重内容，似乎单纯通过对教育的讨论解决问题，这样迷糊的破题开始就占了下风。
因此按照我理解的你的观点，可以先同意前半句socialization重要—其实这个就该辟段落写，再说社会没教会s，然后下面照你原文讨论教育的不足造成社会没法教会s。总之就是要有联系，逻辑流动合理，不要过于跳跃。

Some misguided treatment or attitude prevails（are prevailing） in parents. Parents, on the one hand, spoil their children extravagantly（这个词用的诡异，形容spoil可能不合适，况且spoil本身已经有这层含义）. They give whatever their kids want, just to form their materialization greed; they do more than they should to replace their children’s jobs, even daily routine ones including dressing, peeling egg shells and others, which merely stimulates kids’ laziness and overdependence. Parents, on the other hand, are strict to their children in the field of exams and contests. They encourage or even push their kids to perform excellently and beat their rivalries in those academic competitions for the bright future of kids themselves. They attach more importance to competition rather than cooperation. Brought up by such parents, who are the mainstream of parents today, children are materialized, dependent and competitive in an irrational degree.
（每段开头最好有个中心句，和段意紧密联系，显得有力度，比如本段可以不说prevail，因为这个句子有点偏离主题，你要说的是这种prevail对socialization有什么坏处，可以直接说the prevailing misguided behaviors of some parents have negative influences on children’s socialization. 结尾也可以收束一下，说这样妨碍了孩子socialization）

Schools, the major role of education, also have some unsatisfactory misconduct in socialization. Firstly, they pay much attention to academic achievement and may neglect due moral reinforcement（what’s this? It looks weird.）. Their graduates may get high scores in their study but have little idea about a good citizen or basically, a good person.（这些may缺乏依据，显得偏激） This misguide（词性？） may bring reputation to the schools in a few years but ruin them in the long run;（标点.） secondly, circumscribed to academic arena, teachers tend to adopt the methods of drilling, rote, memorizing instead of imagination, association and creation, in order to meet the ends of exam orientation;(不要老分号.) similarly, owing to too much focus on the paper exams, schools may give up the chance of field trips or internships in which students can apply theory into practice,（.） instead, they teach students textbooks, hand out infinite simulated exams and instill only one correct answer of each exercise.
批判过于猛烈，有失偏颇

Social community, as a larger interactive context, also needs retrospecting (retrospection) on itself. In a macroscopic way, society gives less or even little pressure to these future backbones of society. It is true that compared to our grandparents’ times of war and death, and our parents’ times of poverty and recession, it is quite safe and prosperous now, but this can not justify little expectation of children from society. Every generation has its duty and ministry devoted to a better society and this process never ends(will never end). In a microscopic aspect, some improvement or modification should be made urgently, for instance, to
advertisements or website access(改成the access toward advertisements or websites). Some of them filled with sex, violence, luxury enjoyment or other distorted values which needed to be strictly censored and limited available or unavailable(their availabilities ) to kids under certain age, who have not formed their own principles of judgment yet.

Children, the constructor of future society, deserve better cultivation and education from families, schools and society. In turn, they will repay the givers with their intelligent accomplishments, moral merits and responsibility fulfillment, all of which will definitely set a good example to their children over generations.
结尾偏题了，无论前面写的怎样，至少要拉回到socialization。说families, schools and society should provide better education to socialize children比强调children deserve socialization要切题一点。

无论如何，这个难题在现在就能如此认真的思考和成文实属不易，lz只要规整逻辑，注意行文流动，是会继续进步的。再接再厉！

sakuraanneUID: 2253519

word里弄得颜色竟然都没了，囧。。。重新编辑一次
lz有什么觉得不合适的地方尽管说，畅所欲言，我改的也是有很多不足
字号下次大一点吧。。。

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

本帖最后由 sakuraanne 于 2009-6-18 15:34 编辑 What children will say, think, do and so forth are formed and modified by how they are socialized, which is to say, they will be not only a human biologically, but more importantly, a member of social community then. Seen in an overal perspective, what  these children will do will determine the orienation or direction of society as a whole. Thus, for a better future of society, significant importance should be attached to the way to socialize children, which needs multi-lateral conscious and continuous effort of parents, schools and society as well. 加了一段 How children are socialized means a process in which children are instilled with some values and beliefs, then digest and integrate them with previous ones, and finally develop their owns. The process, because of stopless instillment, is in motion and develpment. Morevoer, respective processes of children, once streamed together, form a tremendous wave to push the society which they belong to forward. Consider, if children who are socialized to view freedom as highest value, they are more likely to be devoted to liberty cause at all costs and the society will definitely be as free as possible. However, socialization for children have something unreasonable or unsatisfied. First of all, the prevailing misguided attitudes and behaviors of some parents have negative influences on children's socialization. Parents, on the one hand, love their children extravagantly. They give whatever their kids want, just to form their materialization greed; they do more than they should to replace their children’s jobs, even daily routine ones including dressing, peeling egg shells and others, which merely stimulates kids’ laziness and overdependence. Parents, on the other hand, are strict to their children in the field of exams and contests. They encourage or even push their kids to perform excellently and beat their rivalries in those academic competitions for the bright future of kids themselves. They attach more importance to competition rather than cooperation. Brought up by such parents, who are the mainstream of parents today, children are materialized, dependent and competitive in an irrational degree and can not be well socialized. Schools, another undertaker of socialization, also have some unsatisfactory misconducts. Firstly, they pay much attention to academic achievement and may neglect due moral reinforcements（该有的道德的强化.）. Their graduates may get high scores in their study but have little idea about how to meet moral values of majority in society. This unbalanced emphasis may bring reputation to the schools in a few years but ruin them in the long run.Secondly, circumscribed to academic arena, teachers tend to adopt the methods of drilling, rote, memorizing instead of imagination, association and creation, in order to meet the ends of exam orientation. Both of them are not helpful for childrens' socialization. Maybe children need to learn some merits including  spirit of team, unity and thanks-giving after they step into society. Social community, as a larger interactive context, also needs retrospection on itself. In a macroscopic way, society gives less or even little pressure to these future backbones of society. It is true that compared to our grandparents’ times of war and death, and our parents’ times of poverty and recession, it is quite safe and prosperous now, but this can not justify little expectation of children from society. Every generation has its duty and ministry devoted to a better society and this process will never end. In a microscopic aspect, some improvement or modification should be made urgently, for instance, to the access to advertisements or websites. Some of them filled with sex, violence, luxury enjoyment or other distorted values which need to be strictly censored to limit their availabilities to kids under certain age, who have not formed their own principles of judgment yet. In a conclusion, families, schools and society should provide better cultivition and education to socialize children. In turn, chilren will repay the givers with what they are socialized, such as, their intelligent accomplishments, moral merits and responsibility fulfillment, and further collaboratively construct our society better. 花了1个多小时 改了一下 恳请版主再瞄一小眼 绝对不是盲目追求品牌效应 但要强调的是 版主就是斑竹 把我的问题解剖的太深刻了 无数的感谢：)

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

瞧 这次字是被我活活的扯大了 有些还是没有扯开。。。 版主原谅偶这个电脑盲吧

sakuraanneUID: 2253519

哪有哪有，wildrose同学太客气了，我明天就看

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

哪有哪有，wildrose同学太客气了，我明天就看
sakuraanne 发表于 2009-6-20 23:28

那版主看了么？偶在等待。。。

sakuraanneUID: 2253519

真不好意思，今天才仔细看，昨天有事，改文状态不佳，让你久等了。
第一段感觉改的很好，没什么建议了。


How children are socialized means a process in which children are instilled with some values and beliefs, then digest and integrate them with previous ones, and finally develop their owns. The process, because of stopless（？好像没这个词）instillment（instilment）, is in motion and development（development）. Morevoer, respective processes of children, once streamed together, form a tremendous wave to push the society which they belong to forward. Consider, if children who are socialized to view freedom as highest value, they are more likely to be devoted to liberty cause（liberty cause？what do you mean?） at all costs and the society will definitely be as free as possible.
这个你讲过，个体教育形成总体的意思，比原先好。


Unsatisfied和unsatisfactory不一样。
It is true that compared to our grandparents’ times of war and death, and our parents’ times of poverty and recession, it is quite safe and prosperous now, but this can not justify little expectation of children from society.（？这半句有问题。 However, this can not justify the negative influences society had on children.）Some of them (指代不清，some of the mass media) filled with sex, violence, luxury enjoyment or other distorted values which need to be strictly censored to limit their availabilities
to kids under certain age, who have not formed their own principles of judgment yet.

Children拼错。responsibility fulfillment有点问题，fulfillment of responsibility


你真是我改的里面写的最好又最勤奋的了，加油，看好你！
这个颜色总是变来变去，奇奇怪怪，也改不好，就这样凑合看吧。

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

What children will say, think, do and so forth are formed and modified by how they are socialized, which is to say, they will be not only a human biologically, but more importantly, a member of social community then. Seen in an overal perspective, what  these children will do will determine the orienation or direction of society as a whole. Thus, for a better future of society, significant importance should be attached to the way to socialize children, which needs multi-lateral conscious and continuous effort of parents, schools and society as well.

加了一段 How children are socialized means a process in which children are instilled with some values and beliefs, then digest and integrate them with previous ones, and finally develop their owns. The process, because of ceaseless instilment, is in motion. Morevoer, respective processes of children, once streamed together, form a tremendous wave to push the society which they belong to forward. Consider, if children who are socialized to view freedom as highest value, they are more likely to be devoted to liberty cause（自由事业） at all costs and the society will definitely be as free as possible.

However, socialization for children have something unreasonable or unsatisfactory. First of all, the prevailing misguided attitudes and behaviors of some parents have negative influences on children's socialization. Parents, on the one hand, love their children extravagantly. They give whatever their kids want, just to form their materialization greed; they do more than they should to replace their children’s jobs, even daily routine ones including dressing, peeling egg shells and others, which merely stimulates kids’ laziness and overdependence. Parents, on the other hand, are strict to their children in the field of exams and contests. They encourage or even push their kids to perform excellently and beat their rivalries in those academic competitions for the bright future of kids themselves. They attach more importance to competition rather than cooperation. Brought up by such parents, who are the mainstream of parents today, children are materialized, dependent and competitive in an irrational degree and can not be well socialized.

Schools, another undertaker of socialization, also have some unsatisfactory misconducts. Firstly, they pay much attention to academic achievement and may neglect due moral reinforcements（该有的道德的强化.）. Their graduates may get high scores in their study but have little idea about how to meet moral values of majority in society. This unbalanced emphasis may bring reputation to the schools in a few years but ruin them in the long run.Secondly, circumscribed to academic arena, teachers tend to adopt the methods of drilling, rote, memorizing instead of imagination, association and creation, in order to meet the ends of exam orientation. Both of them are not helpful for childrens' socialization. Maybe children need to learn some merits including  spirit of team, unity and thanks-giving after they step into society.

Social community, as a larger interactive context, also needs retrospection on itself. In a macroscopic way, society gives less or even little pressure to these future backbones of society. It is true that compared to our grandparents’ times of war and death, and our parents’ times of poverty and recession, it is quite safe and prosperous now, but this can not justify little expectation from society  to children ( 不能合理认为社会不用期待孩子做什么了）. Every generation has its duty and mission devoted to a better society and this process will never end. In a microscopic aspect, some improvement or modification should be made urgently, for instance, to the access to advertisements or websites. Some of  these advertisements and websites are filled with sex, violence, luxury enjoyment or other distorted values which need to be strictly censored to limit their availabilities to kids under certain age, who have not formed their own principles of judgment yet.

In a conclusion, families, schools and society should provide better cultivition and education to socialize children. In turn, chilren will repay the givers with what they are socialized, such as, their intelligent accomplishments, moral merits and fulfillment of responsibility , and further collaboratively construct our society better.

qtangtangsUID: 2630008

What children will say, think, do and so forth are formed and modified by how they are socialized, which is to say, they will be not only a human biologically, but more importantly, a member of social community then. Seen in an overall perspective, what these children will do will determine the orienation or direction of society as a whole. Thus, for a better future of society, significant importance should be attached to the way to socialize children, which needs multi-lateral conscious and continuous effort of parents, schools and society as well.

How children are socialized means a process in which children are instilled with some values and beliefs, then digest and integrate them with previous ones, and finally develop their owns. The process, because of stopless instillment, is in motion and develpment. Morevoer, respective processes of children, once streamed together, form a tremendous wave to push the society which they belong to forward(是作名词吗？但是forward好像没这个用法). Consider, if children who are socialized to view freedom as highest value, they are more likely to be devoted to liberty cause at all costs and the society will definitely be as free as possible.
这一段我没有明白你要说个什么意思？
是children对社会的决定性作用吗？那你就应该点出来才对

However, socialization for children have something unreasonable or unsatisfied. First of all, the prevailing misguided attitudes and behaviors of some parents have negative influences on children's socialization. Parents, on the one hand, love their children extravagantly. They give whatever their kids want, just to form their materialization greed; they do more than they should to replace their children’s jobs, even daily routine ones including dressing, peeling egg shells and others, which merely stimulates kids’ laziness and overdependence. Parents, on the other hand, are strict to their children in the field of exams and contests. They encourage or even push their kids to perform excellently and beat their rivalries in those academic competitions for the bright future of kids themselves. They attach more importance to competition rather than cooperation. Brought up by such parents, who are the mainstream of parents today(这句话是不是太绝对了？只能说中国的家长可能大部分是这样，但是其他国家呢？), children are materialized, dependent and competitive in an irrational degree and can not be well socialized.

Schools, another undertaker of socialization, also have some unsatisfactory misconducts. Firstly, they pay much attention to academic achievement and may neglect due moral reinforcements. Their graduates may get high scores in their study but have little idea about how to meet moral values of majority in society. This unbalanced emphasis may bring reputation to the schools in a few years but ruin them in the long run. Secondly, circumscribed to academic arena, teachers tend to adopt the methods of drilling, rote, memorizing instead of imagination, association and creation, in order to meet the ends of exam orientation. Both of them are not helpful for childrens' socialization. Maybe children need to learn some merits including  spirit of team, unity and thanks-giving after they step into society.

Social community, as a larger interactive context, also needs retrospection on itself. In a macroscopic way, society gives less or even little pressure to these future backbones of society. It is true that compared to our grandparents’ times of war and death, and our parents’ times of poverty and recession, it is quite safe and prosperous now, but this can not justify little expectation(和pressure应该不是一个概念吧，我这里认为你这句话是要来说明这段第一句话。) of children from society. Every generation has its duty and ministry devoted to a better society and this process will never end. In a microscopic aspect, some improvement or modification should be made urgently, for instance, to the access to advertisements or websites. Some of them filled with sex, violence, luxury enjoyment or other distorted values which need to be strictly censored to limit their availabilities to kids under certain age, who have not formed their own principles of judgment yet.

In a conclusion, families, schools and society should provide better cultivition and education to socialize children. In turn, chilren will repay the givers with what they are socialized, such as, their intelligent accomplishments, moral merits and responsibility fulfillment, and further collaboratively construct our society better.

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

What children will say, think, do and so forth are formed and modified by how they are socialized, which is to say, they will be not only a human biologically, but more importantly, a member of social community then. Seen in an overall perspective, what these children will do will determine the orientation or direction of society as a whole. Thus, for a better future of society, significant importance should be attached to the way to socialize children, which needs multi-lateral conscious and continuous effort of parents, schools and society as well. How children are socialized means a process in which children are instilled with some values and beliefs, then digest and integrate them with previous ones, and finally develop their owns. The process, because of endless instillation, is in motion and development. Moreover, respective processes of children, once streamed together, form a tremendous wave to push the society (which they belong to){是作定语的定语从句 所以是push sth. forward} forward. Consider, if children who are socialized to view freedom as highest value, they are more likely to be devoted to liberty cause at all costs and the society will definitely be as free as possible. 孩子如何社会化（即输入了什么样的价值观啊信念啊），那他们以后就会引领这个社会向什么样的方向。 However, socialization for children have something unreasonable or unsatisfied. First of all, the prevailing misguided attitudes and behaviors of some parents have negative influences on children's socialization. Parents, on the one hand, love their children extravagantly. They give whatever their kids want, just to form their materialization greed; they do more than they should to replace their children’s jobs, even daily routine ones including dressing, peeling egg shells and others, which merely stimulates kids’ laziness and overdependence. Parents, on the other hand, are strict to their children in the field of exams and contests. They encourage or even push their kids to perform excellently and beat their rivalries in those academic competitions for the bright future of kids themselves. They attach more importance to competition rather than cooperation. Brought up by such parents, who are the mainstream of parents today(因为有一篇主题谈到了 竞争意识大于合作意识 所以我以为父母这方面是普遍的；关于物质方面 确实很多国家包括西方也都是这样满足的 ), children are materialized, dependent and competitive in an irrational degree and can not be well socialized. Schools, another undertaker of socialization, also have some unsatisfactory misconducts. Firstly, they pay much attention to academic achievement and may neglect due moral reinforcements. Their graduates may get high scores in their study but have little idea about how to meet moral values of majority in society. This unbalanced emphasis may bring reputation to the schools in a few years but ruin them in the long run. Secondly, circumscribed to academic arena, teachers tend to adopt the methods of drilling, rote, memorizing instead of imagination, association and creation, in order to meet the ends of exam orientation. Both of them are not helpful for children's socialization. Maybe children need to learn some merits including  spirit of team, unity and thanks-giving after they step into society. Social community, as a larger interactive context, also needs retrospection on itself. In a macroscopic way, society gives less or even little pressure to these future backbones of society. It is true that compared to our grandparents’ times of war and death, and our parents’ times of poverty and recession, it is quite safe and prosperous now, but this can not justify little expectation and pressureof children from society. Every generation has its duty and ministry devoted to a better society and this process will never end. In a microscopic aspect, some improvement or modification should be made urgently, for instance, to the access to advertisements or websites. Some of them filled with sex, violence, luxury enjoyment or other distorted values which need to be strictly censored to limit their availabilities to kids under certain age, who have not formed their own principles of judgment yet. In a conclusion, families, schools and society should provide better cultivation and education to socialize children. In turn, children will repay the givers with what they are socialized, such as, their intelligent accomplishments, moral merits and responsibility fulfillment, and further collaboratively construct our society better. 稍稍改了一下

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

=0= 好像家家给楼楼改过185 >.<

楼楼粉强滴，限时成功，想法也很多，行文笔法跟结构再整合一下一定有长足进步，赞一下昂~

等等来拜读下下，顺便看看小樱滴修改成果嘿嘿，加油啦~~~

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

12# 家家☆yoonjae
谢谢你的赞扬 呵呵 考试前尤其重要啊