[u'r not alone ]第五次习作 Issue 130

刘文奇UID: 2850560

The speaker claims that 1）the destiny of society depends on the socialization of children and 2）we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. I agree the former insomuch as socialization of children does have some sort of impact on society’s destiny; in fact, it is just a small one among all factors which contribute to the destiny of society. For the latter one, even if we are still wondering the exactly best ways to raise our children, we--including government, school, and parents --are trying our best to achieve the goal of developing our children to bring about a better society.
It is not the socialization but the entire value system and the extent of education of children that determine the destiny of society. Firstly, socialization is essential for our living within society. From my point, socialization is a process of learning the society’s culture and eventually owning the ability to live within it. Thus, it won’t be possible for socialization to be the very factor of determining the society’s destiny since, on the large part, it only deals with one’s own living.
To determining the destiny of society, we must have the power to influence society, and more importantly, to intervene with it in a good way. Consequently, both the extent of education and the entire value system play an important role in determining the destiny of society.
Secondly，in some way, the extent to which you are educated determines your social hierarchy. The better you are educated, the more possible for you to be in upper-class society. In that way, you will possess much power for crucial decisions within society. Thirdly, even if you are well educated, without a proper value system, you might affect the destiny of society in a contrary way. To build a better society characterized with greater understanding of viewpoints hold by people of different races or cultures, greater respect for different individuals, and greater love for them without boundaries of countries or cultures, we should develop a perfect value system to show the direction of a better society.
At all time, the society as a whole are sparing no effort to raise our children, but it still doesn’t turn out as we prospect since we have yet figure up best ways to raise them. On the one hand, concerning education, it is definitely true for government, school or parents that great energy and money are investigated to children’s education. Consequently, education becomes part and parcel for individuals during the first two decades. On the other hand, the development of children’s value system is also well emphasized during the growth of children. From perspective of government, through mainstream media, government advocate values of honesty, friendly, persistence and so forth; from perspective of school, it has set up related courses to help students to develop their value system; from perspective of parents, they have been influencing their children’s or child’ value system through the acts which are displayed in front of their children or child. Even though the enormous efforts have been made, there are still many problems coming out, the increasing incidence of adolescent crime is a telling example, thus, in order to bring up children better, there is so much more that we should learn to do.

To sum up, it is no doubt that the development of children determines the destiny of society; however, the socialization is just an unimportant one. It is the extent of education and value system that count for the destiny of society. Moreover, there is still a long way to go before we figure out best ways to bring up our children even though we have devoted much to cultivate children as a whole.

dreamerdanceUID: 2759402

The speaker claims that 1）额。。这个是怎么个情况，标序号？the destiny of society depends on the socialization of children and 2）we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. I agree with the former insomuch as socialization of children does have some sort of impact on society’s destiny; 上面重复题目的话太多了，没有必要，可以简单说一下就行in fact, it is just a small one among all factors which contribute to the destiny of society. For the latter？bigger吧 one, even if we are still wondering the exactly best ways to raise our children, we这个we用得不好，—建议用括号including government, school, and parents --are trying our best to achieve the goal of developing 可以是forster，抚养。家长，学校怎么发展学生？our children to bring about a better society.


这个开头段逻辑很混乱，建议重写，开头对题目复述过多，意义不大，然后你说这只是小的方面，那大的方面你说是我们仍然在思考，和这个也不对立啊，感觉很诡异，而且没有提出个人观点
It is not the socialization but the entire value system and the extent of education of children that determine the destiny of society. Firstly, socialization is essential for our living within society 这个表达不好. From my point, socialization is a process of learning the society’s culture and eventually owning the ability to live within it. 下面这句话和上面的有联系么？首先，社会化是学习一个社会文化和拥有这个能力的过程。因此，社会化不能成为决定社会命运唯一因素？这。。。有因果关系么？Thus, it won’t be possible for socialization to be the very factor of determining the society’s destiny since, on the large part, it only deals with one’s own living. To determining the destiny of society, we must have the power to influence society,这个结论出来的好突然 and more importantly, to intervene with it in a good way. Consequently, both the extent of education and the entire value system play an important role in determining the destiny of society. 论据十分不充分啊，你根本就没有提到价值体系的事啊


Secondly，in some way, the extent to which you are educated determines your social hierarchy 社会地位用social status就好了. The better you are educated, the more possible for you to be in upper-class society. In that way, you will possess much power for crucial decisions within society. 受教育就有更高的社会地位，这点和题目有关系么？Thirdly, even if you are well educated, without a proper value system, you might affect the destiny of society in a contrary way.这个是为什么呀，你没有解释清楚啊 To build a better society characterized with greater understanding of viewpoints hold by people of different races or cultures, greater respect for different individuals, and greater love for them without boundaries of countries or cultures, we should develop a perfect value system to show the direction of a better society.

At all time, the society as a whole are sparing no effort to raise our children, but it still doesn’t turn out as we prospect expect更好一点since we have yet figure up out best ways to raise them. On the one hand, concerning about education, it is definitely true for government, school or parents that great energy and money are investigated to children’s education. Consequently, education becomes part and parcel for individuals during the first two decades. On the other hand, the development of children’s value system is also well emphasized during the growth of children. From perspective of government, through mainstream media, government advocate values of honesty, friendly, persistence and so forth; from perspective of school, it has set up related courses to help students to develop their value system; from perspective of parents, they have been influencing their children’s or child’ 没有必要，一个就行value system through the acts which are displayed in front of their children or child. Even though the enormous efforts have been made, there are still many problems coming out, the increasing incidence of adolescent crime is a telling example, thus, in order to bring up children better, there is so much more that we should learn to do.

To sum up, it is （there is）no doubt that the development of children determines the destiny of society; however, the socialization is just an unimportant one. 这个结论太武断了吧It is the extent of education and value system that count for the destiny of society. Moreover, there is still a long way to go before we figure out the best ways s去掉 to bring up our children even though we have devoted much to cultivate children as a whole.这个结论实际上还是在重复题目，我们还在探索中，没有什么个人观点啊

说实话，你不要生气啊，这篇文章问题很严重，逻辑混乱而且并没有提出有力的论点，也没有比较合适的论据（也许是我没有理解到位）。我二改过你的文章A51, 觉得你写的还是不错啊，所以估计是这篇文章不太有思路，或者是时间比较紧吧。其实这篇我也写了好久，确实不太好写。

建议你在整理一下思路，找出一个点，提出自己的论断，而不是重复题目。并且段落之间条理清楚一些，个别语言问题要注意。有什么问题可以问我。

刘文奇UID: 2850560

恩，我不怕犀利，就怕不犀利~