iBT作文29分，每天改两篇作文回馈gter~申请正酣，活动暂停，请谅解！

amingsnowUID：2258254

三年前在ibt刚登陆大陆的时候考过一次ibt，作文得了29分；后来经过GRE analytical writing的蹂躏，现在成功在欧洲攻读master，每天与英文打交道无数；前几天为了申请美国又考了一次ibt，心情早已与当年第一次大不相同。回忆起当时在gter上得到的种种帮助，特别是那时ibt还是个“谜样生物”，于是决定每天为坛子里的童鞋改两篇作文，回馈gter~ 我不能保证我的作文水平非常高，（跟新东方的老师当然没法比）但是毕竟在国外生活了一年多，对于遣词用句还是比较到位的。有兴趣的联系我哈~~

为了节省你的时间和我的时间，我改作文的时候仅讨论我认为有欠缺的，需要改进的地方，好的方面我就不多说了哈~

谢谢大家的支持~由于我现在在做毕业设计，同时申请美国，而且我改每篇作文都要至少半个小时，所以每天改两篇已经是极限了，实在是不好意思！我会按照跟帖的顺序来改，如果你的考试时间已经很近了，麻烦你一定要在帖子里说明，这样我会把你的作文提前改~~ 如果考试日期在10天以内，我会马上改的，呵呵~

hdqkwrUID：2604043

我来贴我的作文吧，请楼主帮我改下，谢谢啦。

Topic: Some universities require students to take classes in many subjects. Other universities require students to specialize in one subject. Which is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

We are increasingly concerned with education, especially university education. A fair portion of people believe that students should be required to take classes in many subjects . From my point of view, however, I advocate students should specialize in one subject. Of the countless reasons that can strengthen my viewpoint, I will like to present the most conspicuous ones here.

First of all, students do not have strength and time to learn many subjects at the same time. The depth of a certain subject is infinite while both students’ energies and time are limited. Even concentrating in a specific field, students still have to learn substantially large amount of knowledge to be qualified for graduation. Only when students just specialize in one subject, can they focus on it. Thus it ensures the students are more likely to be an expert in some subjects when they are given their degrees.

What’s more, focusing on one subject is a more efficient way of study. When learning a specific subject, students can choose subjects that they are interested in most. The consequence is that they can learn their subjects much more efficiently. For example, when I was in university, I was lucky that my school only required us to learn one subject. So I could concentrate my energy in electronics, the subject which I like the most. As a result, I graduated with high honors from my university. So it is conducive for students to learn one specialized subject, they can exert their energies and time effectively.

Admittedly, there are a couple of advantages for universities requiring students to take classes in many subjects. For one thing, students who choose many subjects can broaden their knowledge and make a solid foundation for their future further study. Another is that students can be more adaptable in their future career if they choose a variety of subjects during their university study. Some of the jobs may require students to possess interdisciplinary and comprehensive knowledge.

However, though learning a variety of subjects leads to several benefits for students, it is not feasible for most students who cannot afford their time and energies. Universities can allow students to take subjects as many as possible if their time and energies are available, but not require students to do so. It is more advisable for universities to require their students to specialize in one subject.

amingsnowUID：2258254

2# hdqkwr

We are increasingly concerned with education, especiallyuniversity education. A fair portion of people believe that students should berequired to take classes in many subjects . From my point of view, however, Iadvocate students should specialize in one subject. Of the countless reasonsthat can strengthen my viewpoint, I will like to present the most conspicuous ones here.

First of all,students do not have strength and time to learn many subjects at the same time.The depth of a certain subject is infinite while both students’ energies andtime are limited. Even concentrating in a specific field, students still haveto learn substantially large amount of knowledge to be qualified for graduation.Only when students just specialize in one subject, can they focus on it. Thus it ensures the students are more likely to be an expert in some subjects when they are given their degrees.# E& a# w2 N4 S


这一段的感觉是在绕弯子。你的中心思想是学生们没有足够的时间和精力去学很多科目。那么接下来的论证就应该集中在为什么没有时间和精力去学这些科目。第二三句的论证很好，一个让步，说明学生们即使集中在一个学科上尚且需要付出很大的努力，下一句就应该很自然的提到，那么如果让他同时学习很多科目，后果会怎么样怎么样；在你的文章中，你接下来却在论证学生们只有集中在一个学科上才能怎么样，这样的论证就不够有力，使得前面的让步失去了应有的效果。接下来thus的一句，也完全没有提到学生们Do not havestrength and time to learn many subject. 注意，你这一段是想证明这个论点，那么只证明学习一门学科已经非常需要学生focus是不够的，你要证明在focus的同时没有精力去学习别的。其实我们经常犯得错误就是，我已经说明了focus在一门学科上已经非常intense了，那么很显然不能再去学别的东西了；但是美国人不这么想，他通篇看到的只是你在讲focus在一门学科上，而你并没有提到为什么不能同时也去学别的，那么他就认为你的论证不够有力。

还有一点，这一段的论证不够有力，另外一个原因是你没有example.给出一个具体的例子来会非常有用。


What’s more, focusing on one subject is a more efficient way of study. When learninga specific subject, students can choose subjects that they are interested inmost.The consequence is that they can learn their subjects much more efficiently.

最好在这之间增加些内容，即为什么会产生这样的consequence。比如学生们可以选择他们最感兴趣的领域，这样他们可以多参加这一领域的课程，读文献，做实验，参加讨论，等等。这样可以使你的论证更加有力和具体，也令行文更加流畅和自然。


For example, when Iwas in university, I was lucky that my school only required us to learn onesubject. So I could concentrate my energy in electronics, the subject which I like the most. As a result, I graduated with high honors from my university.

同样的，你在这里也可以说说你focus在electronics以后做了什么，使你graduate with honors，这也刚好验证了之前的论述。


So it is conducivefor students to learn one specialized subject, they can exert their energiesand time effectively.

Admittedly, there are a couple of advantages for universities requiring students to take classes in many subjects. For one thing, students who choose many subjects can broaden their knowledge and make a solid foundation for their future further study. Another is that students can be more adaptable in their future career if they choose a variety of subjects during their university study. Some of the jobs may require students to possess interdisciplinary and comprehensive knowledge.

这一段作为反面论述，稍微有些长（75个词）。另外在陈述了这两个advantage后，应该接下来回到你的主题上，为什么即使有这样的advantage存在，你仍然支持自己的观点。比如你可以论述一下advantage的局限性在哪里，或者与你前两段的论证比起来，这些advantage还不够strong，等等。总之，不能让这一段剥夺了你论证的“锋芒”。

However, though learning a variety of subjects leads to several benefits forstudents, it is not feasible for most students who cannot afford their time andenergies. Universities can allow students to take subjects as many as possibleif their time and energies are available, but not require students to do so. Itis more advisable for universities to require their students to specialize inone subject.

倒数两句意思有些重复，可考虑精简一下。第一个句话用Tosum up一类总结性的词语开头会不会更好些？

我的建议：
1. 通篇看来，两个正面论证段的意思有些重复，一个是说学生们没有足够的时间去应付多学科，另一个是说学生们只有集中在一个学科上才更有效率。我曾经看过gter上有人介绍经验说，如果写作文的时间实在不够用，可以采用这样的布局，即对一个分论点正反两方面陈述，但是这也是在有两个分论点的前提下。所以我认为在做练习的阶段，还是尽可能让自己的论点丰富一些。

2. 你的作文词汇量还不够丰富。例如，在所有涉及到学科的时候，你只用了一个词，subject。这样会给rator一个印象，就是你的词汇非常limit。另外time和energy也是这样的问题。你可以考虑用一些其他的词汇，令词汇的变化丰富起来。例如，field, area, devision等等。老外还是很受用这个的，呵呵：）

3.附件中帮你修改一些语法和词汇的小错误 ：）

hdqkwrUID：2604043

谢谢楼主的指正。不知道楼主有没写好的文章，也许可以发上来给大家学习一下。或者也许可以给大家讲讲怎么写IBT的作文。哈哈。

acddcabcUID：2673468

我也跟~~非常感谢大人哈！！~~
Modern people, longer lives
    The fact that mordern people live longer is so clear that all of us do not even think about it. Facing those statistics which prove that we are living much longer than our ancestors, I couldn't help wondering, why modern individuals have much longer lives?

    Modern medical technology, together with chemical pills, is probably the very first reason. In nowadays, hospitals play an cardinal role in reducing people's death rate. Unlike people living in ancient time, most of us do not die when we are infants, and small infection is no longer fatal. Despite some certain kinds of diseases, modern technology is capable to save us from all kinds of illness.

    Secondly, food is much easier to attain now. Hunting and fishing are more like a way of entertainment other than a necessary job to survive. In modern cities, we can even acquire food anytime and anywhere. It means that modern people have enough food and regular meals, which is significant to our health. Actually, it brings us the problem of obesity though, getting food easier is still a vital reason to explain why people are living longer now.

    Last but not least, sport is also a significant factor to influence our lives. Compared with us, ancient residents had no concepts of sports improving human's health condition. They treated sport as a different kind war, or a way to exhibit male's bodies. However, people now have clear recognition on the funtion of sports. We do sports since we need to be healthy and live longer. Every four years' Olympic Games, could always show that how much passion people have on sports, one of the oldest behavior in human history.

    In conclusion, it can be attributed to three reasons that why people live longer now. We are equipped with newer midical facilities; we are having ample food and we are doing sports for our health's sake. Compared with ancient human, we are unbelievably lucky.

wuqian0801UID：2637709

185: You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

If I have enough money to purchase either a house or a business, I will choose to buy a business. I always hold a view that a successful business can bring more things to me, thus it is of importance for me to build a business and then I will get the probably to have a warm and pleasant house.

The first reason for me to choose to buy a business is that I hope I can be a boss. That is a simple dream in my childhood. It was most influenced by my uncle, a successful and virtuous businessman, who has a great achievement in his field and also awfully diligent. He is my idol and I am painstaking to reach my dream, to be a more successful entrepreneur than my uncle.

Furthermore, this option also would help a great number of people to settle the problem of employment. In my city, there is a group of citizens who can not afford themselves and live as a very inferior social status. I considered that it will be a better choice to contribute those persons to have new clothes, to have their own house, to have a warm work environment.

Beside the two formers, contributing to gather the tariffs is another inconvenient reason for choosing to buy a business. We are the master of our society, so we have a responsibility for building a beautiful society and those tariffs can be use to sponsor some of the children who can not go to school as well as the improvement of our public infrastructure.

In my conclusion, choose to buy a business is a sensible option that has an enormous benefits for our life and even for our society. It will have a better reflect in education, economy, common life, social relationships and so forth.

樓主能幫忙改一下么?
第一次寫... 什麽都不懂..

amingsnowUID：2258254

5# acddcabc

Modern people, longer lives  l# C.

The fact that mordern people live longer is so clear that all of us do not even think about it. Facing those statistics which prove that we are living much longer than our ancestors, I couldn't help wondering, why modern individuals have much longer lives?


开头段论点不够鲜明，对于一篇仅343字的文章来说，这样的开头有些浪费，呵呵。

Modern medical technology, together with chemical pills, is probably thevery first reason. In nowadays, hospitals play an cardinal role in reducing people's death rate. Unlike people living in ancient time, most of us do not die when we are infants, and small infection is no longer fatal. Despite some certain kinds of diseases, modern technology is capable to save us from allkinds of illness.



第一句话开分论点开的很好，接下来的第二句说理也很自然。但是本段接下来的部分，仅最后半句提到了moderntechnology，而其余部分显得不够清晰，或者说，并没论证modern technology与death rate有什么关系。特别unlike一句，支撑论点显得力度不够，作者并没有说明我们不夭折，以及小感染不致死是由现代技术带来的。如果是我写这篇文章，从第三句开始我会举例，哪些现代的医学技术，和药物对人类产生了重要影响。比如，疫苗(vaccine)的发明使人类彻底告别了天花(smallpox)这一曾经的瘟疫；比如现代移植手术（transplantsurgeory）使许多非常致命的疾病能够得到很好的医治，比如白血病（bloodcancer）和心脏病（heart disease）。这些生动的例子会比unlike这一句更好的支撑论点。最后总结句说的有些绝对，建议修改一下~~

, e$ B' s2 V, U0 F) o( G8 h
    Secondly, food is much easier to attain now. Hunting and fishingare more like a way of entertainment other than a necessary job to survive. Inmodern cities, we can even acquire food anytime and anywhere. It means thatmodern people have enough food and regular meals, which is significant to ourhealth. Actually, it brings us the problem of obesity though, getting foodeasier is still a vital reason to explain why people are living longer now.


这一段的说理逻辑就比上一段要清晰的多。个人感觉hunting这一句放在it means这句的后面，承接会更自然一些。

Last but not least, sport is also a significant factor to influence ourlives. Compared with us, ancient residents had no concepts of sports improvinghuman's health condition. They treated sport as a different kind war, or a wayto exhibit male's bodies. However, people now have clear recognition on thefuntion of sports. We do sports since we need to be healthy and live longer.Every four years' Olympic Games, could always show that how much passion peoplehave on sports, one of the oldest behavior in human history.

从论证的角度讲，这一段写的还是不错的。但是分论点有问题，作者阐述古人对于运动改善人的健康没有一个清晰的“概念”，也就是说，作者的要表达的是，古人不明白运动的好处，为什么要运动。但这并没有说明，古人就不运动，事实上，古人的运动要远远多余现代人，因为他们要靠这个来生存。Wedo sports since we need to be healthy and live longer，这点对古人同样适用，而且这也是他们生存的唯一方法。此外奥运会的举例也不够贴切，人们对奥运会有passion，原因可能是多样的，进一步来说，对奥运会有passion也并没有实际的改善人们的健康（可能我只是坐在家里看奥运会转播，而并不运动）。

其实如果一定要讨论运动，那么不妨讨论现代运动与古代的不同。比如现代人去健身，会依据科学的标准，如孕妇做什么样的锻炼，老人做什么样的，想减肥的做什么运动，有心脏病的做什么运动。再比如现代人有多种运动的方式选择，而不像古人一样做剧烈的运动，对身体造成强烈的冲击，我们可以选择瑜伽，普拉提，远足等等。这些都使得现代人的运动以更合理的方式促进我们的健康。

In conclusion, it can be attributed to three reasons that why people live longer now. We are equipped with newer midical facilities; we are having ample food and we are doing sports for our health's sake. Compared with ancient human, we are unbelievably lucky.

最后一段总结的不错，最后一句的小毛病在附件中已经说明啦~~


整个文章的总体感觉是论证不够充分，可能与字数偏少有关系。建议还是写到接近400字为好，这样对三个分论点来说才能保证每个论点得到充分的说明，有生动的例子支撑。其实如果你实在想不出来三个分论点也没有关系，找到两个强有力的分论点充分论述，这样的文章也是非常有说服力的。每个分论点甚至可以举两个例子，但一定要贴切的例子来支撑。这样下来400字可能都还不够，呵呵。

你的文章语法错误比较多哈，时态，副词经常用成形容词，还有形容词和副词比较级的变化要多注意哦。我在附件中基本上都给你改过来了，你可以归下类，然后对照着看看。虽然ETS说语法错误是可以容忍的，但是多于5个的话还是不太好看啦，呵呵~~ 恩，加油~~

amingsnowUID：2258254

4# hdqkwr

不好意思我现在电脑存的作文都是三年前的了，自己看看都惨不忍睹，呵呵。不过我会努力找一些好作文放在帖子里分享的：） 我也一直想说说自己的心得，我想等到多改几篇作文以后再集中的讨论一下：）希望能对你有所帮助，也预祝你考试成功！

paddyhyUID：202095

麻烦楼主能帮我看一下吗？就要考了
21. In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.  
Every person today can tell the obvious phenomenon that people are living longer than ever before. The reasons behind are so numerous and I will illustrate some major ones as follows.   Firstly, the improvement of our food is the key factor. Today, we can eat a variety of  kinds of food, such as vegetables, fruits and so on, which can provide more nutrition to us compared with what our ancestors had in the past can do. Take the basic material water as an example. My grandfather told me that people at that time usually just drunk water from the river. Although it was clean and less polluted, the germs and poisonous bacteria in it are not beneficial to health. On the contrary, the spring water that we drink today is produced after a series of purifying procedures and all are marked with the expiration date to keep the quality.  
Equally important factor as food is the decrease of the work burden. In the past, without trucks, cell phones and computers, people needed to do it with hand and body, lots of labor work was the most obvious. But now, with the trucks, constructor only need to control the driving wheel, with the computer, engineers just need to sit in the office designing the product. In addition, people today have more intention to keep healthy because of the decrease of labor work, gyms all around the city can tell that.
Finally, the peaceful living society and advanced civilization are also conducing to people's lives. Wars and revolutions brought lots of disasters and loss to human society, every aspects of human life was affected. Today, we can live in a peaceful world without wars and fighting, everybody tries to contribute our world which in turn makes it much suitable for us to live our lives.  
The reasons mentioned above are just the major ones, there are lots of other factors work together to tell us the truth that we are having a better life today.

Word Count: 314

superbblifeUID：2721800

也请楼主帮忙看看：

The question stated is that whether businesses should hire employees for their entire lives. In my opinion, I don't think that businesses need to hire employees for their entire lives. Several reasons will be discussed as below.

On one hand, because the competition on the marketplace is getting more and more harsh. If a business wants to survive, it has to pursue the maximum of profits, which include cost savings of manpower, increasing sales and innovations. I cannot imagine that if a business lets all of its employees stay from young to old, it will be possible for it to keep on developing and adapt to the competition. Sooner or later, it will die because of obsolescence.

Furthermore, even the businesses won't fire any of their employees, from the perspective of an employee, one is hard to develop his/her career if only work for one business for the whole life. What's more, considering that if the business won't change the positions of all the employees, it means that employees will have no chance to learn new things and get improved. All they do for their life time will be the same thing in the same business. For anyone who wants to make improvement for their career, businesses that will hire employees for their entire lives won't be a good choice.

On the other hand, it doesn't mean that businesses that hire employees for the whole lives don't exist. For example, some government departments will hire people and never fire them even with low working efficiency. Some people will consider those businesses are steady and safe for them especially during the recession.

In conclusion, it is not necessary for businesses to hire employees for their whole lives. And it is almost impossible for most of the businesses to survive if they have to ensure the job security of all the employees. Also not all the people would like to work for businesses that never have job rotation or turnover.

acddcabcUID：2673468

非常感谢LZ大人哈！！~~~~~~

gqm2009UID：2717554

哇，楼主有的忙了！

sungjUID：2718096

是和聪明的人交朋友还是幽默的

In this plural, friends plays an indispensable role in our daily live and this is where the controversy arises. There are the majority of people who deem that they prefer to make friends who are humors. As opposed to the majority, I do strongly support that making with smart friends is more vital than humorous ()friends. I would explain my views in the following paragraphs.

The main reason for my propensity for my view is that when we suffer difficulties from our daily lives, the friends who are smart can assist us a lot. The reason is that smart friends usually have a broad cultural vision and worldview, therefore, they may offer you some special ideas which is useful for you to deal with your problems. For example, when I was at high school, I was not good at some mathematic problems and, I usually got a wrong answer. Fortunately, I had a friend who is extremely smart and very good at math. Every time I faced to mathematic problems, l would asked him for help. He not only can give me a solution in this mathematic problems, but also taught me how to analyze and solve mathematic problems. And finally, I improved my knowledge in math, and obtained a high marks in the text. This example makes me know that how a smart friends can help you numerous when you are suffering tough things.

The above is a part of important aspects, and another one is significant in the same way. When you touch and communicate with smart friends with a lot of times, you may have more chances to become a smart person. For example, when you ask smart person  from advice,meanwhile,  you can acquire skills about how your friends solve and analyze this issue. Next time, you can use this skill to your work and study. After a long period, you may become a smart person because you know the skills that smart person how to solve the problems. Hence, you have more （possibilities） to finish your goal.

It is true that humorous person also benefit ()for you. For example, when you have much pressure from work and study, humorous person can help you to relax yourself, so that you may have a good mood in your work and study. But it is rather superficial to simply say that making friends with humorous person is more essential than smart person.

In conclusion, judging from evidence offered above, it is true that humorous friends can help your something in the special circumstance. However, we have tangible evidence to suggest that intelligent person more benefit for you.
北京

brass20yUID：2454121

也请帮我指导一下？
我现在完全不会用模板了，想到啥写啥

In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon.

Recently, the survey from International Committee of the Red Cross shows that people are living longer than several decades ago. Especially in modern cities, the trend is significantly clear. In my opinion, there are several main factors wihch lead to the trend.

First, with the great development of technology in 21th century, leading technology applied in the medical field can save many people from severe diseases. Among dozens of medical innovations and initiatives, application of robot in surgery is a meaningful milestone for human because it significantly increases the possibility of surgery success. From that on, under the help of robot and other complex electronic system, doctors can know the situation of patience's body precisely before the surgery and even use robot to complete some complicated actions which can't be done by human's hands. The direct result is that we have conquered 75% of cancers, so called "desperate disease" in the past, and save at least more one-third people from these diseases than twenty years ago.

Second, the enhanced working efficiency in society offers people more leisure time, during which people can practice themelves or have fun. Compared twenty years ago, the working efficiency has increased tenfold and people have more leisure time that they can allocate personally. Therefore, people can spend time on their favorite sports or have fun with their friends, which lead to their better physical or mental health. For example, in China, 15 years ago, we started to have two-day weekends instead of one-day. According to the data report from government, 50% of people selected to allocate one day to take sports with their family which not only improve their relationship with family, but also greatly develop their body. Therefore, we can reach the conclusion that more leisure time provide people oportunities to improve their physical or mental health, which is a key factor to extend human life.

Finally, the advanced economy allows nations to invest more in the sanitation. This is also an important factor to keep people from disease and even death. For example, in my hometown, Dean which is a small town, sixteen small hospitals in community, free training sessions on health and water supply system with better quality were invested to be launched in several years. These medical software and hardware helped residents have more knowledge about health, build up balance daily nutrition custom, and realize the importance of annual body check. Together, people with better living conditions have stronger body to reject diseases and death.

In sum, medical technology improvement, more time to practice and improved sanitation system are the major causes to make people to live longer than before.