开个改作文的小铺子

yzl_1988UID: 2372248

看来还是斑竹的帖子会火啊？

iToldUsoUID: 2929900

16# iToldUso
LZ，我有个疑问
单就这句话来说
理解为“他们意图关注的目标”是否恰当？
译为“which purpose they intend to focus on.”是否恰当？
咖啡盐 发表于 2010-12-14 09:42

呃，这不是英语表达...

咖啡盐UID: 2973669

19# iToldUso 唉，看来我还有很长的路要走了...

416171205UID: 2946287

作为一个新手，其实传上来前我已经改过2次了，看到LZ做了如此精细的批改，找到这么多的问题，让我很“郁闷”，呵呵，感觉还有非常多的不足呀，一定根据LZ的建议再修改几次，非常感谢，非常感谢！！！！！！！！ 16# iToldUso

iToldUsoUID: 2929900

作为一个新手，其实传上来前我已经改过2次了，看到LZ做了如此精细的批改，找到这么多的问题，让我很“郁闷”，呵呵，感觉还有非常多的不足呀，一定根据LZ的建议再修改几次，非常感谢，非常感谢！！！！！！！！ 16#  ...
416171205 发表于 2010-12-14 12:27

pat pat, 刚开始写都会有很多问题。多写几篇就练出来了。加油~~

StefanaUID: 2143510

很久不见修改铺了，加油！

小冥王UID: 2922698

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1205425-1-1.htmllo
loli姐给召唤下人气~
130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

According to the speaker`s assertion, I do not agree with the speaker when it comes to the negation of the way in raising children who can help bring out a better society. However, the claim that how children are raised determines the destiny of the society is available to me. Actually, in the past thousands years, we have been devoting ourselves to raising children who will do goods for our society.

If compare the society is to the human organism or as is the cell to the body. An example aptly demonstrates that the future of our society depend on the how the children are raised. The mature cells are responsible for the body`s function. Yet after a cycle, the cells would die. So it is important to get some supplement from the new cells.
However, the formation of a new mature cell undergoes a complex progress, such as division and transformation, which could compare to the grown of a child. Then the cells would adapt to function well in the organism gradually. If the organism is short for such new cells with mature function, as everyone knows, the organism becomes weak or even dead eventually. When it comes to society, it will regenerate to the past or undergo a recession in economic.

What make children help to prosper the society in the future are complex, yet all of them are contribute to a better society. To prove my assertion, it would be illustrated in two aspects, abundant knowledge and excellent character. As is said by the prominent thinker, Francis Bacon, knowledge is power, have encouraged countless people to pursue the knowledge. General speaking, most of knowledge we acquired come from books, though we can also get it from our daily life. For the purpose to educate the children to love books, the Jewish, one of the most intelligent nations around the world, have an ancient culture, scatter honey on the books, tell the children lick it. Then the children would get the expression that books are sweet when they are too little to understand what books actually mean. As the children grown up, they will gradually recognize the power of knowledge getting from books would produce not only great fortune but also promote the advance of the society.

In addition to knowledge, excellent characters also contribute to the development of society. While learning painting at early stage, Leonardo Da Vinci was taught to be dependable by his paint teacher, who demanding him to paint eggs every day. At first, Da Vinci did what the teacher said, yet after a long time, he was sick of it. So he asked the teacher, the teacher told him that there existed no same eggs in the world, so it helped him to find the minimum differences between them. The he has developed a good habit to be serious and assiduous， and eventually become a famous painter in the world.

In sum, we have already learned how to raised children who can help to build better society. Moreover, it is not only mastered by the educationist but also by the common people such as our parents, teachers, even our friends. The more we know about how to raise children, the more better our society will be, because it is well known to all that children are the future and the society`s destiny is determined by the children.

iToldUsoUID: 2929900

严重道个歉。。这两天太忙了没如期履行完任务..   |||

明后两天各改两篇

weaselUID: 2739489

改作文确实不是轻的活，来给loli姐打气

armstrongUID: 204256

支持！

iToldUsoUID: 2929900

ARGUMENT166 The following appeared in a local newspaper.
"People should not be misled by the advertising competition between Coldex and Cold-Away, both popular over-the-counter cold medications that  ...
dumplingplus 发表于 2010-12-12 15:29

ARGUMENT166 The following appeared in a local newspaper.
"People should not be misled by the advertising competition between Coldex and Cold-Away, both popular over-the-counter cold medications that anyone can purchase without a doctor's prescription. Each brand is accusing the other of causing some well-known, unwanted side effect: Coldex is known to contribute to existing high blood pressure and Cold-Away is known to cause drowsiness. But the choice should be clear for most health-conscious people: Cold-Away has been on the market for much longer and is used by more hospitals than is Coldex. Clearly, Cold-Away is more effective."

In the argument, the author concludes that Cold-Away is more effective than Coldex. The recommendation is based on the observation that Cold-Away appears on the market much longer and is used by more hospitals. A careful examination will reveal that the conclusion has suffered 【from】 several fallacies.  【个人认为这个开篇不够好。作者的结论是:多数重视健康的消费者应该忽略互为竞争关系的俩公司广告宣传的影响，毫不犹豫地选择Cold-Away brand. 因为显然C品牌要更有效些，基于以下事实：C品牌进驻市场的时间更早些并且有更多医院选择使用C品牌。你的这个summary省略掉了一些关键信息。这样不利于下面多层次地展开来驳斥】

To begin with, the author says that Cold-Away has been on the market for much longer 【time】, which cannot substantiate 【the conclusion】that Cold-Away is much better than Coldex. 【建议这句大改下，现在偏拗口】Much long 【longer】time doesn't mean better effect for curing people. 【这句也要改下。 比如改成，Appearing on the market much longer does not necessarily indicate better effectiveness.】And existent time is not the indicator for evaluating a drug's effectiveness. 【跟前一句其实重复了，建议删去】It is probably 【这是个副词。。。改成highly possible】that Coldex is an advanced drug which has been invented recently, and can deal with the disadvantages of Cold-Away. Experts may have integrated new technical achievements into Coldex to get a better curing result 【curative effect】. 【这两句逻辑关系是断裂的，需要修改】 So we can't arbitrarily judge which is better only by the using time. 【有歧义。using time是服用时间】

In addition, we can't evaluate the performance of a drug according to the much more use 【its using rate】by hospitals. Probably, Cold-Away is good at 【special for】curing 【删】common patients【diseases】, but Coldex is only helpful for unusual diseases. Therefore, many hospitals have bought Cold-Away for numerous requirements. 【这个therefore怎么得来的。。】Yet,【逻辑点在于？】 we can't ignore some 【possible】（要严谨啊同学】 commercial causes. For instance, Cold-Away is 【probably】produced by famous company which has established a good relationship with most hospitals, or under the effect of the government, many hospitals have been required to buy Cold-Away by force. Of course, it is much possible that the company which produces Cold-Away has run for many years and has built a good figure on the market; most hospitals prefer to believe in them. But all of these can't convince Cold-Away's effectiveness as no experts have investigated the real situation for curing patients. 【这一段的逻辑关系太混乱太糟糕了。。。。。argument一定要逻辑明细。句子内部，句与句之间，段与段之间。这个比语言什么都重要！！另外，例子不是随便枚举的。】

Lastly, it is mentioned in the argument that each brand is accusing the other of causing some side effect. Compared with drowsiness, high blood pressure seems more serious, so people prefer to accept Cold-Away which has a slight side effect. But we have to understand that no evidence has been provided to prove the existence of the two side effects. It is highly possible that the two companies have make rumors in order to decrease each other's sales. The side effect of drowsiness probably doesn't exist in Coldex. Therefore we cannot be confused by the so called side effect.

In conclusion, to strengthen it, the argument's proponent must consider and eliminate some explanations that Coldex is probably a new medicine with advanced technique, and that hospitals may not buy medicine according to its effectiveness. And existence of the side effects also should be investigated. Without ruling out these, the author can't conclude that Cold-Away is more effective.

仍需好好修改多加练习。加油~

iToldUsoUID: 2929900

瓦舍~~太有爱啦~~

我也发一篇ISSUE。。慢慢排队。。等着斑竹改~~嘻嘻~谢谢~~
题目：ISSUE208 - "The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes and interests. You can tell much about a socie ...
布丁的爱恋 发表于 2010-12-12 21:04

题目：ISSUE208 - "The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes and interests. You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people."

字数：573                  日期：2010-12-8

I concede insofar that through people's look, dress and act 【不能简单地把原句中的所有动词都直接转做名词用。look可用apprearance替换，dress用dressing style, act用behavior. 这么调整的坏处是跟后一句的用词重复了。要么改后一句，要么把这一句改回动词表达】, their attitudes and interests could be reflected. And a society's ideas and values could be demonstrated via the appearance and behavior of its people. However, the speaker has forgotten 【这个词用得有些轻佻，不严谨。建议换掉】to take some circumstances into consideration especially when 【连接词不合逻辑。换】the behavior or dress 【dressing style】of people is not in accordance with their internal thoughts.

Admittedly, along with the development and openness of society, the majority of citizens have free choices. The variety of choices is ranging from the style of apparel to the price of it, from colors of cosmetics to the series of it, from what they would like express to what they prefer to behave. 【这个组句开头不错。赞一下。】When people look at their will 【病句。。the way people look是指somebody呈现给他人的image. people look at their will既是病句，也不是英语】, dress at their will and act at their will 【are free to wear and behave whatever way they want】, no wonder that 【逻辑词错了。前半句是“当人们可以自由地如何如何时”，难怪他们的言行可以泄露他们的态度与兴趣。难怪？？？】what they do would reveal their attitudes and interests. The 【A】case in point is 【病句。通常说something is a case in point, 或者a case in point is the ***】that we see lots of people wearing jeans and T-shirts on the streets. We may tell primarily 【不恰当】that they care for casualness and freedom. Particularly in the case that people wear T-shirts printing characteristics like I love NY, we are able to sense people’s affection towards New York or whatever. 【这三句逻辑比较零散混乱，不丝丝入扣。建议大改】In this sense, if people's dress and behavior follow their will 【heart】, their attitudes and interests could be revealed.

Nevertheless, as I have mentioned in the beginning, what would happen if people's appearance or behavior and people's internal world are distinctive【用词不恰当。整句不严谨】? Can it still reflect a society's ideas and values? I doubt so. Notwithstanding the increasing openness of the society nowadays, it doesn't mean that people can choose freely at any time. It is【删掉】 in 【on】some occasions that people need compliance and uniformity, which couldn't directly show their own attitudes and interests. The most common instance is about school uniform. Some schools require students to wear uniforms all day long so as to express discipline of these schools. Once it becomes a regulation to wear school uniform, how could student*hibit their own attitudes via identical clothes? In other words, many students are not voluntary to wear uniforms. What they wear can't directly indicate their inclinations. 【句与句之间仍然是不连贯的】

Furthermore, both appearance and behavior are external manifestations and as an old saying goes "You can't decide a book by its cover.” So are people. It seems too superficial to tell about a society's ideas and values only through the external things such as appearance and behavior. One of the reasons is that sometimes the appearance and behavior are misleading. People choose what to dress or what to act not only basing on their minds but also something else such as others' perceptions. A psychological concept called conformity means that someone would prefer to act like the majority, resulting form the stress of the group. Supposing that you are surrounded by a crowd in a football match while everyone else stands up and applauds, what would you do? Even unwilling to stand up, you may still follow others' behavior perhaps owning to the fact that you don't want to be strange in a group.  Therefore, when the behavior is misleading, the inner of a society is difficult to be revealed depending on the outward manifestations. 【对You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people这一点的分析有些隔靴搔痒。】

To sum up, I agree that the way people look, dress, and act reveals their prepossessions to some extend, but it is partial to assert that through people's appearance and behavior can we tell much about a society for the reason that the external manifestations sometimes are misleading.

建议：重新列下小提纲，仔细审核下自己全文的思路；细改下有问题的句子