sokiller的issue作文贴

sokillerUID: 3446082

Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.


Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.


Art can reflect the level of civilization and reveal future of society. Therefore, supporting art is an important duty that any government should do. In my opinion, government funding for support is necessary, because it can ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. However, this funding may threaten the integrity of the arts. Thus it is necessary to establish a certain agency in order to eliminate that negative influence of governmental funding.  

do duty 搭配
嗯 可以看到有层次的观点  

To begin with, it is necessary for government to fund the art, since this funding can ensure that arts can flourish and be available to all people. For one thing, governmental funding can prevent some traditional, non-mainstream art from disappearance. Chinese government, for example, offers financial supports annually to national folk orchestra in order to keep Chinese tradition music art to be continued. Moreover, the governmental funding can offers chance for poor people to appreciate art. For example, Chinese governmental funding for national folk orchestra reduces the price of ticket of orchestra performance, which is 1550 Yuan and a big financial issue for poor people, so that more people can appreciate folk music.

一段写两点ok
第一点没有解释为什么传统非主流艺术会消失 如果把这个写清楚 感觉这段就够了   
1150这个细节有什么必要？  


On the other hand, the governmental funding may threaten the integrity of the arts by impairing independency of artistic creation. Some governments may prefer the art that focus on advertising governmental policy and trumpeting government feat. Therefore the artists may be forced by government to create for political purpose and thus artistic creation loses its independency. For example, Ancient Roma sculptures are almost similar to each other. Because in ancient Roma, all sculptors were forced by ruler to make sculpture with face copied to ruler’s face and strong body figure in order to convey ruling authority and ruler’s power.

focus(es) on advertising (promoting?)  
这个例子挺有趣 但是和前面的点并不符合啊  



In order to avoid the situation that governmental funding threatens the integrity of the arts happened, I suggest to establish a certain agency. The duty of this agency is to manage the governmental funding and, with free will, choose one or more kinds of art to fund. Due to the free will, the possibility of that governmental funding threatens the integrity of the arts may be eliminated. Moreover, this kind of agency can make governmental funding for art more reasonable, since people working in the agency are professional in the field of art. For example, in China, Chinese Tradition Art Association, an unofficial organization established by many outstanding Chinese artists, is the agency that is in charged of distributing governmental fund to folk music orchestra. According to its operation, the folk music orchestra flourishes in recent year.

a certain agency 需要换别的修饰 指出是独立的机构  
这里用I suggest不太好 用it would be helpful to ...
art-  art projects  
这里free will 不太合适   
possibility of that  表达  
this kind of agency can make governmental funding for art more reasonable
such agency can distribute government funding in a more reasonable way  
According to its operation- 表达  


In conclusion, while I agree that governmental funding is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people, the possibility of that governmental funding threatens the integrity of the arts should not be ignored. In order to eliminate this negative influence of governmental funding, I think establishing an agency may be a good idea.  

基本框架挺好 句子表达问题不少  
中间第三段问题较大

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-1 20:08
Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the a ...

已评

sokillerUID: 3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-1 23:42
已评

谢谢老师 辛苦了！！

fishgoUID: 3607599

来点评一下楼主的习作了：

Chinese government, for example, offers financial supports annually to national folk orchestra in order to keep Chinese tradition music art to be continued.
里面的keep Chinese tradition music art to be continued，试试把continue换成preserve，个人感觉好一点

Therefore the artists may be forced by government to create for political purpose and thus artistic creation loses its independency。
感觉这就话和前面一句衔接不太自然，前面一句说政府更喜欢那些胡吹政府的艺术，然后这句说因此艺术家被迫要创造什么样的作品，我的感觉是讲被迫有点不合适，如果是为了获得政府的资助的话，艺术家可能会倾向于创造什么样的作品，个人观点哈，仅供参考~

The duty of this agency is to manage the governmental funding and, with free will, choose one or more kinds of art to fund.
我不是太理解 choose one or more kinds of art to fund 的意思，只选择资助几种艺术种类是否会影响艺术的多样性呢，因为有被资助的艺术就肯定有不被资助的艺术，那么不被资助的很可能就无法维持下去，我觉得换成“以更加合理的方式分配资金”可能好一些。

sokillerUID: 3446082

Argument 1

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.


Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.



In the article, the author argues that the so-called Palean baskets are not uniquely Palean according to evidence in Lithos. In fact, we need more information to discuss the possibility that the river can be crossed without any assistance, implements which might disappear at certain time in the past are existed and the baskets can be carried by water in order to decide author’s argument is reasonable.

according to evidence in Lithos这里概括不清晰
need more information (of what)  

are existed语法   
整个主旨句太长 句型有问题  



To begin with, we need to know whether people can cross the river without any helps. The author thought that because river is wide and deep at present and thus without implements, it is impossible for anyone to bring the basket to Lithos by crossing river. However, this point may be more or less subjective as we use current condition of river as reference to assume past. If the level of river in the past is not high enough, it is possible that Palean people cross the river without any helps. Moreover, if weather in winter is so cold that can froze the river easily, Palean people are also able to cross the frozen river to reach Lithos. In these two cases, it is not impossible that Palean people bring basket to Lithos by crossing the river without any assistance.

without any helps （单复数） help from ...
this point may be more or less subjective as we use current condition of river as reference to assume past.
subjective 和point的搭配
assume past 搭配
请不要拍脑袋造句  
感觉最后一句应该放在第二句的位置   中间段展开还是有问题  



In addition, the author assumes that since there is no boat found in Palean, it is impossible for Palean people to cross the river. To evaluate this point, we also need more information about whether there is possibility that implement which are built for crossing river and might disappear at certain time in the past existed in the past. If Palean people in the past possessed skill of construction and were very willing to communicate with others, they might build a bridge between Palean and Lithos for communicative purpose, and as time passed, the bridge might be deconstructed by weathering. Furthermore, the reason that people cannot find boat may be due to material of boat. Fur is a kind of material that people in the past often use to make boat. But fur is not durable for long time using. If Palean people used fur to make boat, people nowadays might not find any boats since the boats made of fur were decomposed as time passed.

这一段和上一段内容似乎有重复   
implement这个词 我不太确定可以这么用而且是反复使用  
were very willing to communicate with others怎么扯到这个  
might be deconstructed by weathering请不要拍脑袋瞎写  
the reason that people cannot find boat may be due to material of boat表达问题严重
Fur is a kind of material that people in the past often use to make boat 这是你自己脑补的吧 其实你未必要具体说某种材料 只用描述这种材料non-durable就ok


there is possibility that implement which are built for crossing river and might disappear 句型问题

The author also implies that the basket was carried by people. To assess this point, we need more information to discuss whether or not there is possibility that basket was carried by water. We know nothing about condition of the river in the past, as we discussed above. If at certain time in the past, the level of river increased to a point that was coincidently enough to submerge both Palean and Lithos, it is possible that the basket was transported from Palean to Lithos by the current of river. Consequently, as the level of river reduced again, the basket was left at Lithos.

level of river reduced表达
这段写的好些  


In conclusion, to decide whether author’s argument is reasonable, we need more information to discuss the possibility of crossing the river without any assistance, existence of implement might disappear at certain time in the past and the baskets being carried by water.

感觉你的文章基本框架已经出来 但是在中间段的展开和句子的层面仍然有很多问题
建议你还是要多看范文 多学习好的句子表达  

sokillerUID: 3446082

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-2 14:47
来点评一下楼主的习作了：

Chinese government, for example, offers financial supports annually to n ...

－的确 这里过度的非常唐突 这里我会改掉；

－其实是我不知道如何用英文表达这个意思啊。。。

感谢点评 谢谢！！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-2 23:15
Argument 1

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been f ...

今天困了 你明天再提醒我看吧  你要有时间就提前写后面的  

sokillerUID: 3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-2 23:25
今天困了 你明天再提醒我看吧  你要有时间就提前写后面的

谢谢老师 辛苦了 晚安！

sokillerUID: 3446082

Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
       
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


One of Leaders’s job is to lead their subordinates to reach an expected achievement. 连贯 Many argue that leader are created by the demands that are placed on them. In my opinion, in most military settings, people become a leader is not due to the demand placed on them, but strong communication skills and extensive experience they have. However, under the emergencies situation, people may become a leader in response to demands.


reach an expected achievement搭配   
people become a leader is not due to严重句型问题   
主旨句基本框架已经可以
但是句子层面问题很严重



To begin with, in most military settings, people must rely on communication skills to prove that s/he has already prepared well for the leadership. For example, before getting promotion as first lieutenant to serve as CO’s executive officer, Winters Miller, a famous WWII commander in 506 regiment 101st Airborne, had to persuade the military committee composed by serval senior officers that he had already built up solid relationship with his subordinates by his communication skills. Meanwhile, depended on communication skills, he must demonstrate his plan precisely about how will he train the troopers in order to let them prepare well for unstoppable war and execute the order from the regiment with no excuse.

CO’s？  
depended on communication skills,语法  
how will he语法
unstoppable war / with no excuse表达

总的段落展开还可以 有集中讨论某个点  


In addition to communication skills, before becoming a leader, people also have to accumulate extensive experience, the most important thing that every candidate of leader should have. Also take Winters Miller as example,断句  the Colonel Sink, the ranking commander of 506 regiment, promoted Lieutenant Winters Miller as Captain to serve as executive officer of 2nd Battalion handling battalion before 506 regiment entered into French. That is because Winters was seasoned officer; he had already experienced many battles, such as operation of D-day, operation Market Garden, etc, and accumulated extensive experience of battle during those time. These experience, Colonel Sink thought, were the precious property of U.S army that can be used to help whole battalion to defeat German Army with minimized casualty.   


Also take Winters Miller as example,断句  the Colonel Sink, the ranking commander of 506 regiment, promoted Lieutenant Winters Miller as Captain to serve as executive officer of 2nd Battalion handling battalion before 506 regiment entered into French.

你这个例子好诡异啊   这些细节的意义何在？
这个context要说清楚  某部电影？  

On the other hand, under the emergency circumstance, people may become leader to lead others to overcome the unexpected difficulty. For example, before D day, Winters miller served as platoon leader in Easy Company. However, he became CO of his company at the first day of D day. Because he was only ranking officer in the company after serval senior officers were killed during air-drop. According to his leading, the whole company got together again after many soldiers were dropped everywhere far away from the anticipated destination and completed its given mission in time, preventing other U.S Army from extensive casualty at Normandy Bleach.

According to his leading,表达 Thanks to his leadership
最后一句太长了  
感觉你的例子太多细节 读者未必能理解 你需要从你的例子里提炼一些general point 让读者更容易理解  


In conclusion, in the military settings, people may be selected as leader due to the communication skill and extensive experience. But under the emergency circumstance, people may become leader to response to demands.

to response 笔误？

感觉你的思路还不错 中间段也有具体的例子 但是在处理例子的时候 还是有问题 太多细节  以致结合主题反而不是很紧密  
句子层面的问题很多

sokillerUID: 3446082

Argument 14

A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.



In the passage, according to recent study, the author suggests that a business who wants to prosper should hire only people who need no more than 6 hours of sleep per night. To evaluate this argument, we need more information about the study, the causality between the less sleeping time of people and firm’s flourish and the possibility that people who have some characters that are important to development of a company and need more than 6 hours of sleep can help business in success.

firm’s flourish词性
主旨句最后一部分太长 和information about 搭配有问题  


To begin with, the author implies that the study is good enough to make suggestion. To assess this implication, we need more information about whether number of sampler in study is big enough to get an accurate result. In general, to acquire accurate result,  the study should involve with a great number of sampler. In this study, we only know that there are 300 people, but we do not know whether this number is big enough to get an accurate result. If the number of sampler must be more than 1000, the result of this study may not be accurate and worth to refer. Furthermore, we do not know whether using a group of people who work in the same profession as sampler to make prediction for other businesses is suitable. In fact, every business has owe situation different from others. Thus, the result of study using adverting executive as sampler may be suitable to make prediction for adverting firm, but not for others.

the study is good enough to make suggestion这个说法太笼统  
number of sampler表达
sampler？
owe situation ？  

这段后一个点写得还可以 前一个关于sample size 写得不是很好    为什么sample size一定要 1000才如何呢  关键问题在于样品能否代表全体  这个点你没有指出来  


In addition, the author also assumes that there is causality between less sleeping time of people and firm’s flourish. We need more information about this causality to assess that assumption. In the passage, we only know people who give report sleep less than 6 hours per night, but we do not know what characters that important to company’s success do these people have. Maybe these people have well education context and it can contribute to people’s working performance. As people have better working performance, these firms may become prosperous. Moreover, we also do not whether these firms’ flourish is related to people’s performance. If the tendency of market is helpful to the development of these firms or these firms coincidently take some big cases from generous client, it is possible that these firms become prosperous in short term.  

information about this causality - 这里需要什么信息 没有说清楚  

what characters that important to company’s success do these people have.句子结构问题
have well education context什么意思 词性
We need more information about the advertising firm to decide if the amount of sleep needed is the decisive factors for the business to prosper.  
你后面其实也想说这个意思 但是在概括方面做得不够好  



Finally, the author implies that only through hiring people who need no more than 6 hours of sleep per night, business can propers. To evaluate this point, we need more information to discuss whether there is possibility that people who have some characters that are important to development of a company and need more than 6 hours of sleep can help business in success. As we all know that people can help company in development when they have a better education context or extensive working experience. But we do not know how much time does this kind of people need in sleeping. If this kind of people need more than 6 hours of sleep per night, it is not reasonable to make conclusion that a company is able to prosper only by hiring people who need no more 6 hours of sleep per night.

can propers语法
we need more information to discuss whether there is possibility that 表达 感觉你自己写的这个句子还是不太好 要多看范文如何表达  
who have some characters选词  
不太明白这一段想说什么 感觉和上段内容有重复  
我觉得你要在写每段之前想清楚这里要处理原题的哪部分  

还是那句话 模仿范文


In conclusion, to evaluate author’s argument, we need more information about study, the causality between the less sleeping time of people and firm’s flourish and the possibility that people who have some characters that are important to development of a company and need more than 6 hours of sleep can help business in success.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-2 23:15
Argument 1

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been f ...

已点评

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-3 23:29
Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

已点评

sokillerUID: 3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-5 16:22
已点评

感谢老师 辛苦了！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-5 00:31
Argument 14

A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to ...

已点评

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-6-5 20:17
感谢老师 辛苦了！

请写本周小结