sokiller的issue作文贴

sokillerUID: 3446082

Issue 27 In any field of inquiry, the beginner is more likely than the expert to make important contributions.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


TS:

No one can deny that the development of any field of inquiry cannot be met without effort given by participants: directors bring new screen format to film industry, electronic engineers change old electro circuit design, making electronic product working more stable and chemical process engineers adjust formula, reducing waste and increasing amount of product. Although I agree that a beginner of director is more likely than the expert to make significant contribution to film industry, the expert in electronic design and chemical process have higher possibility of making important contribution to the field than beginner do.

development- meet 搭配不当
directors bring new screen format to film industry 不明白你在说什么 这好像不是导演的工作？ 而且导演是field of inquiry么  
adjust formula (of what?)  
你有尝试分类讨论 但是导演的例子似乎不太切题  

后面两段分别从专家的知识丰富和经验较多来立论 我觉得挺好 建议把这两个关键词在开头段的主旨句中点出来 方便后面呼应 反而具体的电路设计 化工等例子在开头段不必指明 只需说 engineering design 即可

楼主是不是学这方面的？感觉例子的技术细节很赞  

主要问题
- 语言表达尤其是词语搭配
- 例子不恰当（导演）
- 主旨句和主题句呼应不够（未能点出关键概念）


ts1:

To begin with, for the beginner of director, the desire of providing new visual effect to audience can create new technology to filming and filming equipment and therefore the development of film industry is advanced by beginner. The experts normally are used to utilize familiar filming style and implements to film and hence are less likely to make significant contribution to movie industry. For example,
詹姆斯卡梅隆同志为业界带来了3D 摄影机和摄影技术，以及后来的全数字化摄影机，这使得摄影素材得以长久保存 观众有了全新的观影体验 斯皮尔伯格同志仍然醉心于老式的摄影手法，因此，对于电影工业的贡献仅仅体现在艺术上。

ts2:

On the other hand, in general, the experts are erudite, and beginner are good at a certain subject as they just graduate from school for a very short time. Therefore, the experts have more possibility of making important contribution to electronic design than beginner do. For example,
新手通常只知道如何使用电路画图软件和一般性的器件属性，这对于电路设计来说是完全不够的，设计电路还需要了解抗干扰，各家公司相同功能器件的不同属性等综合性知识，甚至需要考虑电子产品的外壳和电路板的安装规划，因此，expert显然可以在贡献的更多。
ts3:

In addition to being more erudite, experts have more experience than beginner since they have already experienced a variety of chemical process. Therefore, the lack of experience makes beginner contribute less than experts do in chemical process.
对于化学过程控制来说，简单的记住化学公式（新手们通常最擅长的）是不够的，因为在反应过程中，不同的外界条件，装置的规模会对最终结果产生影响，需要长期的摸索，才能发现其中的关联，expert多年的经验会产生积极作用。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-4 00:24
此楼为电梯贴

---

我帮你编辑了一下 最近的文章先列出来 然后请更新一下每篇的已状况（已点评或待点评） 一楼请注明考试日期 过往考试记录等等

sokillerUID: 3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-24 18:01
我帮你编辑了一下 最近的文章先列出来 然后请更新一下每篇的已状况（已点评或待点评） 一楼请注明考试日期 ...

谢谢 老师

sokillerUID: 3446082

Issue 15

Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

＝＝＝＝＝＝伟大的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝

学生分类：没有明确的学习目标但是希望毕业后赚钱；有强烈的欲望从事研究工作的；

自我总结：该题目要求挑战自己的观点，这要注意！

＝＝＝＝＝＝伟大的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝


One of educational institutions’s goal is to help students to accumulate enough knowledge so that they can make their dreams come true after graduation, such as being a scientists, earning a lot of money, etc. Although I agree that the educational institutions should encourage students who do not have clear objectives of study but wish to make money after graduation to choose fields of study related to preparation for lucrative careers, for the students who have firm belief in research careers, this kind of encouragement is useless and not suitable.

主旨句最好分成两个句子   
基本层次已经出来


To begin with, for the students who do not have clear objectives of study but wish to make money after graduation, educational institutions are responsible to encourage them to choose the field of study that can contribute to the preparation for lucrative careers. For one thing, this kind of students is interested in making money, 断句 if the educational institutions encourage these students to choose relevant fields, it would be more likely that the students choose these fields at last and are very glad to focus on study. Moreover, students know little about any fields of study, since they do not have clear objectives of study. The involvement of educational institution can help these students save a lot of time and avoid making mistake in choosing field of study.

你的断句是很大问题 句子写太长很不好
你这段两个点都还可以 但是没有具体的例子 你可以举某一个学科作为例子  如果举例的话 一个点就够了  
   

On the other side, encouraging the students who have firm belief in research careers to choose the field related to lucrative careers is not suitable. These students do not care about how to make money after graduation but some academic subjects related to research work. Therefore, it is just a waste of time as educational institutions recommend the fields related to preparation for lucrative careers, since these students will follow their own will to choose to study the field that can let them acquire solid foundational knowledge of research work. Even if some of students follow the recommendation, with little interest to making money, it is unlikely the students are going to focus on study of subjects and thus obtain enough preparation for lucrative careers.  

开头第一句可以用it is  
but some academic subjects related to research work什么意思
it is just a waste of time as educational institutions recommend the fields related to preparation for lucrative careers 这里用as不对
句子太长 要分开
it is unlikely the students 语法



Some may argue that since possessing huge fortune is a sign of success, the educational institutions should encourage all the students to choose the field related to lucrative careers. No one can deny that possessing huge fortune is a kind of success. However, pursuing research careers also can let people become successful in life. Einstein, for example, is regarded as a successful physical scientist, because he finished a lot of physical research works and thus brought a great number of outstanding achievements, changing people’s life even the history. In fact, the educational institutions are supposed to recommend field of study to students by the interest of study so that student can study with high enthusiasm and acquire success in the field of study.


这段反驳的自己的观点不够明确 你想说的是 financial award is not the only worthy goal for one’s career  
然后提出其他的成功或有价值的标准  
然后 in fact 后面的内容和前面基本上没什么关联  
你要做到中间段的每句话都在支持分论点
你想分论点的时候就要想好怎么展开 没想好的话就别写全文 老老实实的去看我的文章是怎么展开的  


In conclusion, the educational institution should encourage some students who wish to prepare well for lucrative careers to choose relevant fields of study. However, for the students who are glad to pursue research works, this encouragement is just waste of time and not suitable.

KssandraUID: 2766998

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-24 23:27
Issue 15

Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of st ...

我觉得这篇的提纲挺好的~

this kind of students is interested in making money

is -> are

Moreover, students know little about any fields of study, since they do not have clear objectives of study.

这里改成“some students”会不会好一点？这里我有点困惑

These students do not care about how to make money after graduation but some academic subjects related to research work.

这里如果说“care more about the academic subjects/objectives than how much money they will make after graduation”会不会好些？

感觉你最后一段的意思是想说，除了经济上的成功之外，成功还有另外一种定义(例如学术上的成功)，把这个意思直接写到主题句中会不会好一些？



看到这里发现其实我也经常喜欢把我想表达的意思只写一半在主题句里面，然后看到段落中间才发现哦原来这一段是想说这个意思啊。。。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-24 23:27
Issue 15

Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of st ...

已点评

sokillerUID: 3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-25 21:36
已点评

谢谢老师点评 辛苦了

sokillerUID: 3446082

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-25 09:39
我觉得这篇的提纲挺好的~

  is -> are

非常感谢 辛苦了 第三分论点的确是这个意思 但是 表达问题。。。 我无语了

sokillerUID: 3446082

Issue 13

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

＝＝＝＝＝＝慢慢走过的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝

自我总结：写这篇文章的时候尽管没有限时，不过写的还是挺快的，思路上受到了上一个issue的影响－学生分两类＋一个挑战观点。

＝＝＝＝＝＝慢慢走过的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝


University plays a crucial role in students study life; it guides students in choosing field of study they like at the beginning and offers assistance in finding job at the end. However, is it necessary that university should require every student to take a variety of courses irrelevant to their field of study? In my opinion, This requirement is necessary to the students who wish to become more competitive in applying job. But for the students who are studying in research field, the requirement is not suitable though many argue that students should be versatile.


students'
第一句有点太general
is it necessary that university should  表达
students should be versatile不懂

我觉得你这样分类 没有按学科分那么好  
毕竟所有的学生都想competitive in applying for jobs 即使做科研以后也还是要工作的  


To begin with, the university should require the students who hope to become more competitive in applying job to learn a variety of course outside current learning field. Nowadays, many companies prefer hiring graduate who are versatile. A computer company, for example, is more likely to hire a business graduate who know a lot about computer, such as structure, function, etc, to be their sale manager. An Internet company prefer to give a chance to news graduate who possess website programming knowledge and thus are able to make beautiful website to draw readers’ attention. In these cases, requiring these students to study some fields outside their major can be helpful when students are going to apply a job after graduation.

such as structure, function
你想说什么 data structure?

On the other hand, requiring the students who are studying in research field is not suitable for university to adopt. Confronting a variety of problems is a common thing in research work. To solve these problems, the students normally need a great deal of time and concentration, and only after overcoming these issues, the expected achievements can be received. Therefore, time and concentration are the most important thing to these students. If they are required by university to study field irrelevant to their own field, time and concentration used in research work will be reduced, making them less likely to be successful in their own field.

其实我觉得这里写成两个不同的角度就挺好
对于找工作的同学有什么好处
然后对于将来做科研的人有什么好处

requiring the students who are studying in research field is not suitable for university to adopt整句话重写 稀烂的句子啊

整段都废掉了
students who are studying in research field 这是什么意思？




Some may argue that since every student, no matter what field they are studying, should be versatile, the university is supposed to require its students to study courses outside their own field of study. However, this kind of view is more or less subjective. For every student in university, to become better in a certain aspect or multiple ones in order to prepare well for their future career is the most significant thing and it means being versatile is not equal to being better at all, but a part of it. The university should refer factual situation of its students before requiring students to pursue the field irrelevant to their own field.

整段废掉了
写全文前先写提纲 或者 抄我的范文思路


In conclusion, I agree that university should require the students who want to become competitive in applying job, but for the students who are major in research field, this requirement is not suitable.

sokillerUID: 3446082

Argument 71

The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝细细的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

自我总结：感觉其实还是有很多点可以挖的。文章经历2改。。。

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝细细的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

In the letter, the author points out that the policy implemented by Garville is suitable for Waymarsh to adopt in addressing terrible traffic issues. In fact, we need more evidence about survey, giving free coupon and real cause of air pollution and commuting time in Graville to decide whether it is worth and useful for Waymarsh to adopt the policy.

evidence about giving free coupon是什么意思
it is worth？



To begin with, we need more evidence to confirm the authenticity of the survey in the letter. For one thing, we do not know who is the organizer of this survey. If the environmental protecters organize this survey, there is possibility that these people exaggerate, even make up, the result of survey in order to let government concern environmental issues, such as air pollution. Also, we do not know whether condition of road three years ago is similar to present. If the condition of road three years ago is better, but has turned into worse now, it is more likely that people take more time on the driving to work place nowadays.

authenticity 这个词不对
这个质疑survey的作者的背景 我觉得不太合适
environmental protecters ？


In addition, more informations are needed to evaluate argument that giving coupon for free gas is more economical and is able to prevent people from inconvenience in life. In the letter, the editor thought giving coupon is an ideal way to replace building road due to the implementing policy in Garville. However, we are not assured about economy of giving gas coupon, unless we know the exact expire date of the policy. If there is no expire date for the policy, the cost of giving free coupon may exceed the cost of building roads. Moreover, even to argument that giving gas coupon can bring convenience, we should consider carefully. For example, if more cars appear on the road due to this coupon, bringing noisy and air pollution, we cannot agree that giving free coupon is effective in bringing convenience.

prevent people from inconvenience表达
due to the implementing policy in Garville. 表达
economy of giving gas coupon？
没法往下看了  
可能这道题有点难写




Finally, the editor thinks that according to implementing the policy in Waymarsh, the air pollution will drop and time for commuting will reduce, because Garville who is the designer of the policy has already received reduction of air pollution and commuting time. Still, we need more evidence to decide whether the implement of policy in Garville is the real cause of reduction of air pollution and commuting time, so that we are able to agree with editor thought. For example, if the reduction of air pollution is due to the closure of power station using coal as resource and less time for commuting is because of construction of new road in Garville, implementing the policy in Waymarsh will play no role in bringing reduction of air pollution and commuting time.

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝细细的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

此段留作纪念，完全是个错误的写法，而且是非常严重的！！！错误在于引用了argument中的general idea而不是specific；

(The editor thinks that policy implemented in Garville is suitable for Waymarsh to adopt. Still, we need more information about situation in Garville and Waymarsh in order to decide whether this thought is reasonable. As we all know, whether a policy in a city is suitable for another city to apply is mainly depended on whether the situation in two cities is similar. However, in the letter, we only know little about situation in both Waymarsh and Garville. If Financial situation in Garville is better than in Waymarsh, the policy may only be suitable for former one since offering free gas coupon is a costly reward. )

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝细细的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

In conclusion, before we decide whether the policy in Garville is suitable for Waymarsh to adopt, more evidence about survey, giving free coupon and situation in both cities are needed.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-23 21:40
Argument 32

The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.

已点评 赶紧你的argument问题很多啊
要多*认真*地读我的文章

sokillerUID: 3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-27 01:16
已点评 赶紧你的argument问题很多啊
要多*认真*地读我的文章

感谢老师点评

这篇argument我已发现写的有问题 我已经准备重新写了

KssandraUID: 2766998

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-26 20:55
Issue 13

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the stude ...

原来你昨天就写好了， 赞！

This requirement is necessary to the students who wish to become more competitive in applying job.

这个地方我感觉说“when applying for a job”或者““more competitive on the job market””好像顺口一些，不过apply后面跟job的话是要搭配for的。
你的第二个例子，说网络公司希望招会做网站的码农，好像不是“outside of their fields of study”的例子？

requiring the students who are studying in research field is not suitable for university to adopt

中间第二段这里我不确定“study in research field”是想说研究生吗？


第三段感觉可以再具体一点，解释一下“refer (to) factual situation of its students”具体要怎么操作可能会好一点？

sokillerUID: 3446082

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-27 09:58
原来你昨天就写好了， 赞！

这个地方我感觉说“when applying for a job”或者““more competitive  ...

－第二个例子不是ma农。。。 哎 是网站新闻编辑。。。 我真心不知道该怎么写。。。

－中间二段其实是学生希望在研究领域发展的。。。

－第三段的确有些空，提出一种方法会更好些！

感谢点评 辛苦了！！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-26 20:55
Issue 13

Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the stude ...

已点评