sokiller的issue作文贴

sokillerUID: 3446082

sokiller的习作帖

授权声明：本人为寄托ID sokiller 的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。

考试日期：6.28

考试纪录：托福27


欢迎各位的指正！同时，非常感谢您能抽出时间来批改我的作文。如在阅读时感到严重的不适，欢迎投诉！


查询文章请看2楼电梯贴 谢谢！

sokillerUID: 3446082

此楼为电梯贴

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7.21

91楼 Argument 54 全文－无限时（待点评，初步自检结束）

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6.19

94楼 Argument 84 全文－45分钟 （已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.18

91楼 Issue 122 全文－60分钟（已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.17

89楼 Argument 15 全文－35分钟（已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.15

88楼 Issue 65 全文－50分钟（已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.14

85楼 Argument28 全文－50分钟（已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.11

82楼 Issue33 全文－55分钟 （已点评，初步自检结束，已改，待点评）

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6.9

79楼 argument 全文－55分钟（已点评，初步自检结束，已改，待点评）

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6.8

76楼 Issue113 全文－1小时（已点评，初步自检结束，已改，待点评）

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6.4

70楼 Argument 14 全文－未限时（已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.3

69楼 Issue 62 全文－未限时（已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.2

65楼 Argument 1  全文－未限时（已点评，初步自检结束）

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6.1

61楼 Issue 7 全文－未限时（已点评，初步自检结束）

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5.27

40楼 Argument 71 全文－未限时（已点评，初步自检结束）

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5.26

39楼 Issue13 全文－未限时（已点评，初步自检结束）

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5.24

34楼 Issue15 全文－未限时 （已点评，初步自检结束）

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5.23 30楼 argument 32（已点评，已自校对，未进行自我修复－今明两日完成）

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5.22 27楼 Issue 10(全文)

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5.19 11楼 argument 50全文一篇

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5.18 20楼 Issue 20

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5.17 19楼 Issue 21

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5.14 12楼 Issue 12

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5.10 11楼 Argument 50

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5.6 7楼 Issue17   

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5.4 3楼 issue3

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5.2 2楼 Issue 27

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sokillerUID: 3446082

Issue3 Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

这个题目要求要挑战一下自己的观点；

自己的想法：先挑战自己的观点，用来证明道义上，学校是有责任的；接下来说如何实现，学校是完全有手段和方法的，侧面证明学校应该这样做；

也就是说：道义上学校责任，并且学校还有手段和方法，因此，学校没有任何理由不去这样做。

问题：个人感觉也许这个题目先argue一下效果似乎更好？



TS:

For the students studying in the school, being successful in the subject students are pursuing is the most desirable target. However, that target is only accessible to some students, making others waste their time and energy in current study. According to that, school has responsibility to prevent the students who are not eligible for current study from failure.

TS (pt1,pt2,pt3)到哪里去了  

target不能accessible  或者用possible

However, that target is only accessible to some students, making others waste their time and energy in current study后半句不懂你的意思



ts1:

Some people may argue that it is not reasonable that school interferes with students’ study, since the study is a personal stuff. While the study is about individual thing, but that does not mean school has no relationship with students’ study. Despite the crucial role played by students, school is also one of characters of students’ study life. For one thing, school impacts students’ study by offering classroom, making regulation of behavior and so forth. Moreover, students put their trust and money into school, showing a belief that with assistance from school, the students are more likely to succeed in study. Therefore, study is not a totally personal stuff and school has responsibility to protect students from failure as it finds that students are not qualified to the current subject.

你不可能还没有论证自己的观点 就去驳斥别人的挑战  这在逻辑上是行不通的   


ts2:
In addition, there are many ways that school can rely on to evaluate students’ qualification of studying the subject and hence to make a prediction for whether students can be failed in the subject. For example, holding exam is …….
举例：说考试是学校经常使用的一种评价学生的方法，比如，如果某同学数学不好，那么可以很容易预见他是很难在他所从事的会计专业中取得成功；


students can be failed 表达


ts3:

Besides the method of evaluating qualification, school always takes advantage of knowing the detail and future trend of development of subjects students are pursuing, letting school has ability to make a precise prediction of being successful in study for the students. For example, accounting is a hot subject ……
举例：对于一个开设了会计专业的学校来说，没有人比学校更清楚授课内容、教学模式以及专业对于学生能力的要求，学校的相关部门会持续的跟踪会计行业的发展动态；

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建议你选一篇6分博客的范文 认真读一遍 把思路理解了 照着这个思路 换一下例子 用自己的话写一遍  
你可以看看博客213-215楼guoguo同学的经验  
还有针对我指出的语言表达错误 请往不明觉弱思过崖面壁-https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1826774-1-1.html

KssandraUID: 2766998

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-4 00:24
Issue 27 In any field of inquiry, the beginner is more likely than the expert to make important cont ...

哇你的例子好难。。。我都看不大懂
我觉得beginner的例子是不是可以更beginner，第一个例子好像更是在说创新？

KssandraUID: 2766998

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-4 00:26
Issue3 Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of s ...

这类要求的题目我目前的想法是最后加一段让步，不过很希望和大家讨论一下这种题目要怎么处理。好像很容易一不小心就会弄成自己讲了半天又反驳自己。

issue3我写了提纲还没写全文，最后打算说如果同意这个观点（我前两段是同意的），那么学校需要有能力帮学生判断他们在哪个领域会成功哪个领域不会成功，这其实是一件比较困难的事情。

今天刚写了一个issue 15，也是这个be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position，就在最后一段做了让步，但是其实很不确定有没有做到address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position。。。

sokillerUID: 3446082

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-5 13:15
这类要求的题目我目前的想法是最后加一段让步，不过很希望和大家讨论一下这种题目要怎么处理。好像很容 ...

看到王老师的批注 我觉得必须先表明自己的观点，然后挑战一下。挑战不是反驳自己，是给主题找一个看似反驳或者支持的观点，然后你去反驳它。也就是所谓的让步吧。。。

sokillerUID: 3446082

Issue17  Formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.


Write a response in which you discuss the extend to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

为什么题目也能抄出拼写错误 extent  

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新版的issue17

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实在是没有想好例子，麻烦老师看一下主题句 我会后期补全。。。

TS:

Formal education may be beneficial for people who prepare for further education, since it can help people to accumulate solid verbal and quantitative skill. Moreover, formal education also help people to become more professional to the field that they are studying in the profession school and contribute to ruling class to consolidate its ruling position. Therefore, I agree that formal education tends to restrain people’s minds and spirit.

pt1:

To begin with, formal education is a kind of general, standard education. Its aim is to assure people to become eligible to receiving further education and restraining minds and spirits can contribute to that aim by making people become more concentrated on the subject matters that they are learning. According to that, as long as people desire further education, their minds and spirits tend to be limited by formal education no matter what kind of characteristic that people own.   

pt2:

In addition to that, formal education in professional school also intends to limit minds and spirits. That is because studying professional field does not need involvement of people’s creativity, but following the certain procedure or measure established long time before. For example:

pt3:

For the ruling classes, formal education is one of effective tool that they can use to advertise their policy and justified ruling in order to consolidate ruling position and thus indirectly repress opposed and questioning opinion. In that case, people’s minds and spirits is more likely to be limited by formal education.

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TS：

Taking formal education is a beneficial for people, because it makes them become professional in a certain field and hence let people would have more possibility to become successful in that field. While I agree that formal education about sport indeed tends to limit people’s minds and spirits in order to let people reach the peak of sports life, the formal education about music and painting intends to set people’s minds and spirits free to help them become successful in those fields.


let people would 语法
There is no such thing as "formal education about sport " or "formal education about music and painting"
我觉得不能说关于运动的formal education  
你可以说formal education对运动员的影响
如何理解formal education你要好好考虑一下  
对于题目中一些关键概念的理解如果出现偏差 思路就肯定不对了  

这道题我写了两种思路的提纲刚贴在博客276楼了 建议你参考我的提纲和思路重新写吧



pt1:

To begin with, since restraining minds and spirits is helpful for the athlete to obtain excellent result in game, the formal education about sport is prone to use it. For example,

举例：在篮球教学中，教练通常是明令禁止学员去创造以及使用一些他们自己想出来的花哨动作－－非正规教学所教授的，因为这些动作在实战中并不实用，无法帮助球员和球队，并且很容易导致球员受伤，而伤病往往是球员通往成功之路的最大障碍。

pt2:
On the other hand, formal education about music never restrains people’s minds and spirits. Contrast to that, it has long been trying its hard to set people’s minds and spirits free by teaching people how to use instrument and how to compose the rhythm.
举例：通过formal education，钢琴家郎朗学习到了钢琴演奏技巧和手法，这使得他想要将对于钢琴曲独特的理解和自己富有特色的钢琴表演方式展现给观众成为了可能。而观众最终对他的认同也成就了他今天的成功。

pt3:

In addition to formal education about music, formal education about painting also contributes to setting people’s minds and spirits through conveying the concept of painting expressional form that people can rely on to embody their internal idea.
举例：通过formal education，梵高了解到了关于画面纹理和色彩对比的艺术表现形式的概念，并在星空这部作品中，充分的利用这个概念来展现他内心的冲突，而这部作品也因此得到了人们的认可并取得成功。

dingkaUID: 2453299

遵照tesolchina老师的教诲，我在你下面发帖，也来多两句嘴呵呵，共同进步哈...

TS：

Taking formal education is a beneficial for people, because it makes them become professional in a certain field and hence let people would have more possibility to become successful in that field. While I agree that formal education about sport indeed tends to limit people’s minds and spirits in order to let people reach the peak of sports life, the formal education about music and painting intends to set people’s minds and spirits free to help them become successful in those fields.

几个用法问题
a beneficial（benefit），  let people would have more（不知道咋改换个表达方式吧）， the formal education（不用the）
我个人觉得对题目的理解有偏差吧，题目应该是说正规教育对人思想和精神的影响？通过sport不太好体现吧。
如果我来写分类的情况可能是formal education对sport比较重要，因为要达到一定的成绩是需要正统训练的，对音乐和美术则是打基础时需要正统训练，而到达了一定层次应该着重于发展创造性。

pt1:

To begin with, since restraining minds and spirits is helpful for the athlete to obtain excellent result in game, the formal education about sport is prone to use it. For example,

举例：在篮球教学中，教练通常是明令禁止学员去创造以及使用一些他们自己想出来的花哨动作－－非正规教学所教授的，因为这些动作在实战中并不实用，无法帮助球员和球队，并且很容易导致球员受伤，而伤病往往是球员通往成功之路的最大障碍。



pt2:
On the other hand, formal education about music never restrains people’s minds and spirits. Contrast to that, it has long been trying its hard to set people’s minds and spirits free by teaching people how to use instrument and how to compose the rhythm.
举例：通过formal education，钢琴家郎朗学习到了钢琴演奏技巧和手法，这使得他想要将对于钢琴曲独特的理解和自己富有特色的钢琴表演方式展现给观众成为了可能。而观众最终对他的认同也成就了他今天的成功。


pt3:

In addition to formal education about music, formal education about painting also contributes to setting people’s minds and spirits through conveying the concept of painting expressional form that people can rely on to embody their internal idea.
举例：通过formal education，梵高了解到了关于画面纹理和色彩对比的艺术表现形式的概念，并在星空这部作品中，充分的利用这个概念来展现他内心的冲突，而这部作品也因此得到了人们的认可并取得成功。

对音乐和美术，我的看法还是和上面说的一样。
而且梵高貌似是反叛正统教育的例子吧。。。举不了解的例子有风险哦。。。

KssandraUID: 2766998

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-6 21:58
Issue17  Formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

我觉得这个提纲有点点用例子指导论点的痕迹。篮球和钢琴我觉得算是training比较好，似乎作为education的例子不是特别合适？
我正好也比较喜欢用梵高的例子，所以顺手查了一下他的生平，他好像没有接受过比较系统的学院派艺术训练？ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vincent_van_Gogh

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-7 13:59
我觉得这个提纲有点点用例子指导论点的痕迹。篮球和钢琴我觉得算是training比较好，似乎作为education的例 ...

感觉梵高的例子很多时候都被滥用了 这道题我刚贴了提纲 在276楼可以参考一下

sokillerUID: 3446082

Argument 50

50. An ancient, traditional remedy for insomnia—the scent of lavender flowers—has now been proved effective. In a recent study, 30 volunteers with chronic insomnia slept each night for three weeks on lavender-scented pillows in a controlled room where their sleep was monitored electronically. During the first week, volunteers continued to take their usual sleeping medication. They slept soundly but wakened feeling tired. At the beginning of the second week, the volunteers discontinued their sleeping medication. During that week, they slept less soundly than the previous week and felt even more tired. During the third week, the volunteers slept longer and more soundly than in the previous two weeks. Therefore, the study proves that lavender cures insomnia within a short period of time.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝华丽的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

Argument的结论：

-According to the result of recent study, lavender can cures insomnia within a short period of time.

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝华丽的分割线＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝

用时：惊人的47分钟。。。。

全文参考王老师的范文所写；

自查问题：表达问题仍然存在，写作思路仍然不完善。

Lavender is considered to be an effective method of curing insomnia by the author according to the result of a recent study involved with 30 volunteers. In fact, We need evidence about long-term of effect, the true reason that people sleep soundly in the third week and how control room influence volunteers’ sleeping in order to evaluate the argument.

the reason why ...
people- volunteers
influences  
不错 不过要注意不能全抄我的  


To begin with, the result of study indicated that lavender can cure insomnia within a short period of time, because the volunteers using lavender pillow can sleep soundly in the third week. However, it is necessary to know whether or not this positive result is temporary. If the lavender can cure insomnia for only three weeks and after that people have to suffer insomnia again, it is hard to say that taking advantage of lavender is an effective way for curing insomnia. Therefore, we have to keep tracing the result of the study for a long time to make a conclusion about efficiency of lavender.



Another aspect we need to notice is that whether the volunteers slept soundly in the third week is due to using lavender pillow. The author mentioned that in the study the volunteers are very tired and sleep less soundly in first and second week, but in the third week, they sleep more soundly when only lavender pillow is used. It is possible that people slept soundly in third week because they have experienced tired in the first and second week, and after the third week, the insomnia may come back again. Yet, the point here is related to long-term efficiency of using lavender mentioned at the beginning, the focus here is about whether people slept soundly in the third week is due to the remedy.

要注意时态
experienced tired 语法 + 搭配
注意断句  
最后一句也要断句 分主从句  


The last issue we should take into consideration is how does the control room influence volunteers’ sleeping. In the study, the volunteers are set into a control room and monitored electronically. We can assume that the control room is a comfortable place with less noise from outside, and under this circumstance, the volunteers normally can acquire peace and forget about something annoying. Consequently, they may sleep well. If they still sleep well when they back to home and keep using lavender pillow during the sleeping, it is reasonable to say that lavender contributes more in helping people to get rid of insomnia. Otherwise, the better sleeping the volunteers got is just a result of sleeping in a comfortable control room.

how does 语法 从句的词序  
back to home
注意使用情态动词  (may be just a result ... )


The conclusion made by author is very exciting to people who are struggling in fighting against insomnia. However, without more evidence related to the study, the conclusion can barely be thought to be reasonable.

写这篇你感觉如何
除了语言方面还有一些问题之外 思路和结构都ok  我觉得思路和结构抄我的也没关系 但是每句话都得是你自己写的  

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-10 22:09
Argument 50

An ancient, traditional remedy for insomnia—the scent of lavender flowers—has now b ...

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=20#pid1779470410

sokillerUID: 3446082

tesolchina 发表于 2015-5-11 07:42
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1777232&page=20#pid1779470410

老师 我已经把argument50重新改了一下 麻烦你批改一下 谢谢

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-13 22:01
老师 我已经把argument50重新改了一下 麻烦你批改一下 谢谢

这道题比较难写 我要好好想想怎么写
你的文章有两个问题
第一分段太多 考场上根本没有那么多时间 而且你这样分没有考虑argument的整体思路
第二你的文章出发点是反驳 这不符合题目的要求 题目要求是需要什么证据来验证这个结论
这道题我还没想好怎么写 只能初略的提一点意见

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

sokiller 发表于 2015-5-13 22:01
老师 我已经把argument50重新改了一下 麻烦你批改一下 谢谢

我连夜写了一篇argument 50
仔细看了以后发现这道题也不是那么难写 只是题材比较特殊而已
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=20#pid1779479206