刘小帆童鞋 作文练习帖

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

**************************6月22开始参加暑期同主题练习*******************************


个人情况：

典型的工科生，目前只考过雅思。
雅思一战overall 7.0. 作文很弱，只有5.5。


**************************与GRE有关信息*****************************************

GRE备考及考试时间安排

首战时间：6月28号（忽略吧，作文相当于裸考。）

预计再战：8月底

预期分数：3.5-4.0

备考期间作文一直很头疼，一直试图找到自己的一套逻辑模板去写。很不幸，自己找不到。最后看到老师将题目主旨
分为3个要素来写的方法觉得有实用性，所以打算这么锻炼自己。

**************************个人感悟**********************************************
英语的其他方面还可以，就是作文实在是差的上不了台面。真心想通过GRE考试提高自己的写作。写作的期望分数
也没有那些大神那么高。毕竟我的写作功底（无论中英文）都很差，所以只求自己有所提升。望论坛水友莫笑话。





**************************授权声明**********************************************

本人为寄托ID3606137的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


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刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

占楼，这层楼写自己的感悟以及习作的目录编号。


楼层           题号                  出题日期       提交日期             类型      状态（是否点评）         修改状态

3             Issue-15            5月25              6月22             提纲                是                       二稿
7        Argument-32         5月26              6月23             提纲                否                       初稿
8             Issue-13            5月27              6月24             全文                是                       初稿
9        Argument-35         6月24              6月24             提纲                是                       二稿
12      Argument-71         5月28              6月25             全文                否                       初稿
13            Issue-57            6月25              6月26             提纲                是                       二稿
14            Issue-07            6月01              7月01             提纲                否                       初稿
15      Argument-01         6月02              7月02             提纲                否                       初稿                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

欢迎加入
如果你打算长期练习 可以加我微信 tesolchina 注明寄托ID  

可否描述一下你写这个提纲的过程 花了多少时间 以及参考了哪些资料 自己的感觉 问题困难？  

My Outline:

Thesis statement:
Should educational institutions persuade students to choose some fields that could provide profitable career in the future? The answer would depend on the specific situation. For students who are living in impoverished families, they would better choose some areas that enable them to find well-paid jobs after graduation. For students who have their own interests and do not have any economic burden, they should be encouraged to select the certain spheres in which they are interested. Some people may concern about students who are needy but have interests in some certain realms. For these students, they might choose the fields that prepare them for lucrative careers firstly, then support themselves and lastly study in the major based on their own interests.
sphere 选词  
may be concerned about
lastly study in the major based on their own interests. 这里应该是将兴趣作为业余爱好  不可能同时学两门？ 如果是double major 或许也可以 但是要说清楚


Top sentence 1:
For students whose families cannot afford their tuition, educational institutions should encourage them to select fields that make them ready for moneymaking careers.

展开：这部分学生能否在如今这个高消费的社会中生存下来都是一个很严重的问题。因此他们首先要学会赚钱，从而减轻家里的经济负担。具体表现在使得自己的父母不再超时工作（对父母身体损伤很大），归还自己曾经求学时欠下的国家贷款以及有足够的经济能力支付自己的弟弟妹妹（如果有弟弟妹妹）去上学。

Top sentence 2:
For students whose families’ income are high enough to support their educational fee, they should be inspired to choose the areas according to their interest.

展开：这部分学生家庭经济良好，因此他们不需要担心自己的生存问题。他们更应当注重的是在整个求学的道路上发展自己的兴趣，拓展自己的视野，实现自己在感兴趣行业里的存在价值（贡献自己的一份力）。

Top sentence 3：
Someone may argue that for those who live in needy families and are interested in certain areas, they should also be encouraged to choose the areas that enable them to find profitable jobs in the near future. Such position considers the importance of the interest in the education, but ignore the realist living condition of these students. There might be better ways to solve the dilemma.

展开：实际上，这样的学生可以先学习能够确保他们高收入的研究领域，然后在能养活的自己的基础上再选择一些自己感兴趣的领域来钻研，学习。

Conclusion：
On the whole, whether educational institutions should inspire students to choose majors that may provide them a high-income careers should depend on the students’ interests and financial situation.

展开：重述一下不同人群的不同选择.

感觉整个结构框架都挺好 语言的问题前面已经指出一些   
总的来说这是一个好的开始  
希望能坚持！  




*********************提纲第二搞（针对老师提出的具体问题,粉红色修改标记）*******************
My Outline:

Thesis statement:
Should educational institutions persuade students to choose some fields that could provide profitable career in the future? The answer would depend on the specific situation. For students who are living in impoverished families, they would better choose some areas that enable them to find well-paid jobs after graduation. For students who have their own interests and do not have any economic burden, they should be encouraged to select the certain realms in which they are interested. Some people may be concerned about students who are needy but have interests in some certain realms. For these students, they might choose the fields that prepare them for lucrative careers firstly, then support themselves and lastly learn what they are eager to know in their leisure time.

Top sentence 1:
For students whose families cannot afford their tuition, educational institutions should encourage them to select fields that make them ready for moneymaking careers.

展开：这部分学生能否在如今这个高消费的社会中生存下来都是一个很严重的问题。因此他们首先要学会赚钱，从而减轻家里的经济负担。具体表现在使得自己的父母不再超时工作（对父母身体损伤很大），归还自己曾经求学时欠下的国家贷款以及有足够的经济能力支付自己的弟弟妹妹（如果有弟弟妹妹）去上学。

Top sentence 2:
For students whose families’ income are high enough to support their educational fee, they should be inspired to choose the areas according to their interest.

展开：这部分学生家庭经济良好，因此他们不需要担心自己的生存问题。他们更应当注重的是在整个求学的道路上发展自己的兴趣，拓展自己的视野，实现自己在感兴趣行业里的存在价值（贡献自己的一份力）。

Top sentence 3：
Someone may argue that for those who live in needy families and are interested in certain areas, they should also be encouraged to choose the areas that enable them to find profitable jobs in the near future. Such position considers the importance of the interest in the education, but ignore the realist living condition of these students. There might be better ways to solve the dilemma.

展开：实际上，这样的学生可以先学习能够确保他们高收入的研究领域，然后在能养活的自己的基础上再选择一些自己感兴趣的领域来钻研，学习。

Conclusion：
On the whole, whether educational institutions should inspire students to choose majors that may provide them a high-income careers should depend on the students’ interests and financial situation.

展开：重述一下不同人群的不同选择.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

刘小帆童鞋 发表于 2015-6-22 15:54
15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that ...

已点评~~~

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-22 17:39
已点评~~~

在这里对老师的问题进行回答：

原提纲
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首先，关于时间。写这个提纲花费了大概35min到40min的样子（确实很慢，希望老师见谅。因为真的不会，而且很纠结）。

**********************************************************************
其次，关于写这个提纲的过程。

看到题目首先想到的是不完全赞同。
教育的真正目的是发掘自己的兴趣，培养自己的批判思维与独立思考能力，而不是挣钱。

正文段展开，
第一段先让步写，想找到一份好工作是可以理解的。因为经济基础是人生存的必要条件。同时由于学费昂贵，所以如果学生花了很多钱上了大学却找了一份低工资的工作。他们会感觉到沮丧（心理落差）。

正文第二段转而描写真正的教育应该是让学生挖掘自己，培养各种思辨能力（就是主旨句提过的批判性思维 独立思考）。赚钱并非教育的唯一目的。例证方面想不到如何展开，纠结。

正文第三段描写当学生真正具有批判性思维，独立思考能力，决策分析能力后，他在未来就业时找到的工作收入应当是不错的。展开论证时，思维卡壳。受阻！

然后考虑到到，题目要求要adress the most compelling reasons。这里应该再一段，攻击对方的。思维受阻，一时半会想不出来对方会怎么攻击我。

所以第一次逻辑架构失败了。

我想起来老师在ISSUE的1+3模型中讲过一个关于”为了提高社会的幸福感，人们应当被鼓励去挑战权威“。
老师将机构分成3类，即小学，工厂，高等学府。然后对这三类的立论就很简单了。

于是我在这里先尝试将educational institutions分类。我发现因为题目谈到了fields。如果将教育机构分类，我一时半会想不出来怎么合适的分，同时分出来的每个小类里都有fields的选择问题。

然后我就开始分类students。这个简单啊，学生有钱的，”富二代“，肯定就是”边玩边学“。根据自己兴趣学。那穷学生就只能考虑生计了，所以得选择一个能让他们挣钱的专业。这里已经有两个层次了。

然后考虑到题目要求要address the compelling reasons. 开头段还必须有第三个层次是提到对立观点及论据的。于是我就想到了如果穷学生有了富学生的想法怎么办（即穷学生也想根据自己兴趣学习，而不是非要逼着去学一些自己不喜欢但是高收入的专业）。到底为止，开头段的三个层次已经有了。每个类别的展开也差不多清晰了。

***********************************************************************
关于参考资料：

1.《拯救我的新GRE写作》
2.《GRE写作思路剖析与题库精讲》
3.寄托论坛里，老师的issue入门三个帖子。

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自己的感觉及问题困难方面：

在上文已经给老师呈现了自己整个思维的过程。也用红色标出了自己思维时遇到的问题。问题总结如下：

1.写提纲的时候 到底是先想清楚自己的thesis statement，然后在想怎么展开。还是想清楚跟该题目有关的论据，再根据论据的支持情况来写自己的观点(感觉问的很弱，希望老师请拍)。

2.题目要求 要对对方的观点及理由进行反击。这个反击怎么在开头段的主旨句中体现出来。就是以一种怎么用的口吻或者是句式来表述出这个元素。在正文段很好展开啊，因为正文段完全可以写“有一部分人这么这么认为（someone may argue that）”。但是主旨句中怎样反映出这个元素或者这个层次。实在是不知道。所以我才会生硬的在开头段写“ Some people may concern about students who are needy but have interests in some certain realms. For these students, they might choose the fields that prepare them for lucrative careers firstly, then support themselves and lastly study in the major based on their own interests.”


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新人，写的太长；望老师请拍。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

刘小帆童鞋 发表于 2015-6-22 22:02
在这里对老师的问题进行回答：

原提纲

谢谢你细致的介绍
从你的经验来看 分类讨论帮助你解决了框架的问题 事实上你对学生的分类和我之前的思路不谋而合
我好像在指导其他同学时也提出过类似的思路
至于你说主旨句里如何回应挑战  你可以参考一下我的范文 具体哪一篇你自己去找吧 感觉这类题 我还是写过几篇的  

你加我微信吧 (tesolchina) 我加你进我们的微信群

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

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32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


结论：
we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.
带to表目的：
To reduce the number of accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity


证据：
1. Quiot Manufacturing had 30% more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter.
2. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many accidents fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers.



My outline:

First paragraph:
In the argument, the vice president points out that the fact that Quiot Manufacturing (QM) had longer work duration for each shift than Panoply Industries (PI) leads to the phenomenon that QM had more on-the-job accidents. To decrease such accidents, the vice president suggests that QM should decrease the duration of each shift to provide enough sleeping time for workers and thus increase the working efficiency. While the vice president is well-intentioned, several unwarranted assumption related to the real safety of PI, the causal relationship  between less working hours and safety, and how works in QM will use extra three hours may render the proposal ineffective and unpersuasive.

Second paragraph:
The vice president hastily assumes that PI is safer based on the mere fact that PI had 30 percent less accidents.

展开：不知道两个工厂的工人基数及工厂的size规模大小，不能仅仅凭借QM事故比PI多30%就说明PI更加安全。

Third paragraph:
Granted that safety at PI is superior, the assumption that shorter shifts lead to less accidents at PI is open to doubt.
（承接上文，即便作者提供的数据可以说明PI更安全，那也它的安全也不一定来自于工作时间短）

展开：有其他原因可能导致PI的事故率低。比如PI公司管理很好，员工遵守操作章程。这样的话，作者有关于少的工作时间带来少的事故率的假设就有可能不成立。

Fourth paragraph:
Even if shorter duration for each work shift resulted safer working condition in PI, the underlying assumption that the same causal relationship will also work successfully in QM is unwarranted.

展开：QM的高发事故也许不是因为员工没休息好引起的，而是由于比如管理不善，或者是他们常年夜班导致的。那么这样情况下，尽管减少了工作时间，也无法带来安全性的提高。



*************************省略正文段内展开*********************************
104) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of a manufacturing company.
During the past year, workers at our newly opened factory reported 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries. Panoply produces products very similar to those produced at our factory, but its work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers are significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents. Panoply's superior safety record can therefore be attributed to its shorter work shifts, which allow its employees to get adequate amounts of rest.

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.


结论：
1. Panoply’s superior safety record is the result of shorter work shifts.
2. shorter shifts enable workers to have more time to have rest.


证据：
1. Workers at newly opened factory reported 30% more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries..
2. Panoply Industries produce the similar products but its working hours are one hour shorter than the manufacturing company for each shift.
3. Experts suggests that fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers are main factor that lead to on-the-job accidents.


My outline

First paragraph:
In this argument, the vice president employs a variety of facts, including 30 percent more on-the-job accidents at newly established factory, shorter duration for each shift at Panoply Industries (PI), and expert’s judgment, to argue that Panoply’s safety records are the result of shorter work shifts that enable workers to have more time to have a rest. Before we can evaluate the soundness of the argument, we need to explore a number of rival explanations concerning the more accidents reported by workers, different accidents percentage between newly opened factory and PI, and the reasons for lower accidents rate at PI.

Second paragraph:
The greater amounts of accidents at author’s factory might be explained by larger total numbers of workers at his/her factory.


Third paragraph:
The different criteria on what accidents should be reported might be an explanation for different accidents percentage among two factories.


Fourth paragraph:
The lower accident rate at PI could be explained by other factors, rather than the adequate rest, such as superior management or more excellent equipment condition at PI.




********************************************************************




105) The following appeared in a memo from the vice president of Butler Manufacturing.
During the past year, workers at Butler Manufacturing reported 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. A recent government study reports that fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers are significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents. If we shorten each of our work shifts by one hour, we can improve Butler Manufacturing's safety record by ensuring that our employees are adequately rested.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


结论：
we should shorten each of our work shifts by one hour so that our employees can get enough rest.
目的：
improve Butler Manufacturing’s safety record.


证据：
1. Employees at Butler Manufacturing reported 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries.
2. Time duration of Panoply Industries is one hour less than that of Butler Manufacturing for each work shift.
3. Recent government report implies that fatigue and sleep deprivation are significant factors leading to on-the-job accidents.


My outline:

First paragraph:
In this argument, the vice president recommended that Butler Manufacturing (BM) should decrease their working time in order to make the BM’s safety record safer with the belief that providing extra leisure time enable workers to get enough rest. In order to assess the argument, the author should provide more details about the total numbers in each company, the real cause of accidents at Panoply Industries (PI), and how employees will use their spare time.

Second paragraph:
To begin with, The vice president does not provide any information concerning total numbers at two companies.


Third paragraph:
In addition, the author should also provide concrete evidence to demonstrate that less accidents at PI is the result of shorter work shift.


Fourth paragraph:
The last evidence that should be given by the author is that employees at BM would use spare time to sleep so that they can get adequate rest.


***********************************************************
106) The following appeared in a memo from the Board of Directors of Butler Manufacturing.
During the past year, workers at Butler Manufacturing reported 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. A recent government study reports that fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers are significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents. Therefore, we recommend that Butler Manufacturing shorten each of its work shifts by one hour. Shorter shifts will allow Butler to improve its safety record by ensuring that its employees are adequately rested.

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

结论：
we recommend that Butler Manufacturing shorten each of its work shifts by one hour.

证据：
1. workers at Butler Manufacturing reported 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than workers at nearby Panoply Industries.
2. Work shifts at Panoply Industries are one hour less than that at Butler Manufacturing.
3. A recent government study reports that fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers are significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents.


My outline:

First paragraph:
The vice president suggests that Butler Manufacturing should shorten its work shifts in order to improve the company’s safety record with the belief that the action could guarantee adequate rest for employees. Several questions concerning comparability of two companies, the causal relationship between less accidents and shorter work shifts, and how workers use their spare time at BM should be addressed before we could accept the president’s proposal.


Second paragraph:
The first question should be tackled with is that whether these two companies are comparable in every aspects.


Third paragraph:
Granted that the less accidents at PI could demonstrates that PI’s safety is superior, we may also need to ask that whether the less superior safety at PI is the result of less working hours.


Fourth paragraph:
Another question should be answered is that whether workers would use their spare time to have a rest.

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一口气搞这么多，头昏眼花。我还要自己检查一下。


后面三个argument的展开内容我自己在我的word里用汉字试着写了。论坛上避免排版混乱就没写。这里主要是练习对不同问题的回应时语言的选择。

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

*************************************题外话*****************************
这篇issue想写全文，虽然我知道有很大可能被老师全文推翻，准备好接受打击的准备了。因为不写的话，根本不知道自己中间段展开论述时怎么围绕中心句去写。

估计看到的同学or老师会很痛苦，这是我第一次完完整整的独立思考一个issue并且一笔一笔的写完。希望这会是一个好开始，并且坚持下来。

*************************************作文部分***************************


13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.



Nowadays, inter-discipline research becomes increasingly popular than ever. To keep pace with the time, university begin to force students to take various lessons outside their major. But it seems arbitrary and extreme to require every student to do so as different student should be treated differently. In my point of view, universities do not have rights to decide the extra curriculum for students and students may not have enough time and energy to deal with too many lessons. In addition, there might be better ways, rather than forcing students to attending additional classes, to cultivate comprehensive prospective.

decide the extra curriculum 搭配
inter-discipline 用形容词
arbitrary and extreme选词
cultivate comprehensive选词 prospective拼写


To begin with, the fact that universities order that every student should take disciplines outside their realm of study violates students’ rights. In the education system, students act as “leading roles”, whereas universities serve them. Universities should respect students’ interest and decision concerning the extra lessons. Students who are forced by universities to take some extra lessons may just treat those courses as a task that they have to finish. In this situation, they might not learn anything from those classes as they learn them just in order to pass the final exam and finish the task assigned by universities. Thus, universities, as “servants” in the education, would better ask for students’ choice about the extra lessons, rather than setting the courses arbitrarily.

order选词
students act 选词 as “leading roles” 不知道你在说啥
ask for students’ choice搭配
setting the courses arbitrarily选词搭配
语言表达问题很严重 感觉你就是自己想到啥就凭感觉瞎写
你这里的point是requirement会demotivate学生  这个点本身是成立的 但是表达问题很大




Furthermore, students may have already studied many courses inside their major and do not have sufficient time and energy to finish those additional lessons. Students who major in civil engineering, for example, have to learn basic mechanics, architecture and geotechnics and do numerous experiments. All of abovementioned items occupy their daytime and make them tired. Imagine, how could they study more extra lessons because of their full schedule? Do the universities want them to take lessons at the mid-night?

inside their major 搭配
because of their full schedule表达
take lessons at the mid-night 开玩笑吧  





Someone may argue that requiring students to learning different courses outside their specialty facilitates students’ comprehensive views.  While this is true, these people neglect that taking extra courses is not the only way to enable students to build complete prospective. For example, students could learn some knowledge outside their field through the on-line courses, like MIT Open Course, or they can download some references that interest them from E-library. All these ways seems better than taking additional courses as students could choose what they really want to learn and study according to their own timetable.

facilitates students’ comprehensive views搭配
neglect 选词
build complete prospective选词搭配拼写
E-library -需要提供更多信息


其实你的文章结构和分论点都挺好 就是表达的问题太多 你需要改变写英语的习惯 不是你想表达一个意思就按你对英语的理解来乱写一通 你得回忆你以前读过的英语 用你见过的表达 没有把握的句子和词语搭配就不要瞎写  



In conclusion, universities should ask for their hosts’ (students’) choices since not every student has enough time and energy to take lessons outside their major. What universities should do is to provide as many courses as they can and give the option to students. In addition, some other ways to obtain extra knowledge might be more efficient and thus should be paid attention by educational institutions.


*************************************后话*******************************
写了改，改了写。感觉写出来还是不尽人意。

开头段的主旨句立意没有深度，而且不是很复杂。就是三个简单的句子拼凑到一起。而不像老师或者是厉害的同学写的那样，一句里面提两个点，然后第二句提另一个点，为对方攻击埋伏笔。

主体段第一段更像在论述兴趣在教育中的重要性。而不是论述高校是否有权利设置课程。

主体段第二段举例太狭隘，一时半会不知道怎么展开，想到自己的是civil engineering的学生，就这么举例了。感觉例子没有普适性。

主体段第三段：暂时没有太深的感受。纯粹是为了响应题目的adress the most compelling reasons that might be used to challenge your opinion.

结尾段：要升华，但是感觉升华后全文就失去了coherence.

照例来个猫， 鼓励一下自己。一会去拜读论坛水友和老师关于这个主题的写作。

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

35) The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to its manager.
One month ago, all the showerheads in the first three buildings of the Sunnyside Towers complex were modified to restrict maximum water flow to one-third of what it used to be. Although actual readings of water usage before and after the adjustment are not yet available, the change will obviously result in a considerable savings for Sunnyside Corporation, since the corporation must pay for water each month. Except for a few complaints about low water pressure, no problems with showers have been reported since the adjustment. I predict that modifying showerheads to restrict water flow throughout all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Towers complex will increase our profits even more dramatically.


Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

My outline:

First paragraph:
In this argument, the owner recommended that restriction of water flow should be conducted to all twelve building in the Sunnyside Towers in order to gain higher profits with the belief that restricting water flow would result in savings for the company. While the owner may be well-intentioned, several questions related to the real data about water usage before and after the modification, whether one month is enough to find the disadvantage of the measure, and the function of these twelve buildings should be addressed before we could evaluate the soundness of the argument.

这里argument用letter更合适 注意回应题目的信息
开头这句话写得不错  句子结构很好
whether one month is enough to find the disadvantage of the measure 这个点开上去不太靠谱
the function of these twelve buildings这个也不太靠谱
不过基本的主旨句样式已经有了  




Second paragraph:

A foremost question is: how much water has been saved after the measure was taken?

冒号用在这里不合适


展开：作者没有提供清楚的数据，就匆忙做出了用水大量减少的结论（considerable）。这样的推论是存在问题的。也许用了这个措施之后，只save了1%的用水。这样的情况下，并不能有效的减少公司在用水方面的消费。从而为公司带来利益的提升也是微不足道的（tiny）。


Third paragraph:

Another question should be tackled with is that whether one month is enough for residents in the first three buildings to find disadvantages of the restriction measure.

that去掉
这里强调一个月不太合适
你可以说the long-term impact on the water usage and customer satisfaction have to be assessed  



展开：一个月的时间很短，新措施的弊端没有明显的暴露出来。当然也有可能这一个月之间，有许多住在这三栋楼里的居民并没有长期居住，因而他们对用水量并没有需求。因此一个月的时间不足以衡量限流这个措施对居民是否有不利影响，我们需要较长时间（如一年）的民意调查来反映这个措施的影响。

Fourth paragraph:

We may also need to ask that whether the same measure could be carried out successfully to the last nine buildings?
这是陈述句 后面不能用问号
that去掉
这个点也不太合适  
请参考我的范文




你写汉语展开的时候 最好考虑一下如果用英语写 每句话分别说什么 而不是用汉语写一大串出来  


作为第一次练习总的来说挺好

展开：我们不清楚这12栋楼的用途。也许前三栋楼房是普通居民楼，他们对用水需求不大，因而节水措施对他没有负面影响。而后面的九栋楼房很可能是商业楼，如有洗浴业或者是大型酒店，他们对用水量的需求是非常sensitive的，对这样的楼栋施行节水措施很可能会影响客户的入住体验，继而影响公司的商业利益。这样的情况下，这个节流措施带来的负面影响也会非常严重。所以在作者明确的告诉我们这12栋楼的具体用途之前，我们不能匆忙的就断定节流措施对另外九栋楼也会有效。

Fifth paragraph:

It is understandable that a owner of the company should struggle for its profits. But before the owner could answer the question concerning 复述三个问题, we could not hastily concluded that restriction of water flow should be carried out to all twelve buildings.



*********************************小记**********************************

用时19分44秒。

拿道题目就有思路。但是思路感觉连贯性不强，尤其是第三点，想表达的意思其实就是，如果后面9栋楼节水措施很可能会出问题，继而影响公司的利益。但是总感觉自己怎么表达出来的跟心理想的不一样。







********************************第二稿**********************************
My outline:

First paragraph:

In this letter, the owner recommended that restriction of water flow should be conducted to all twelve buildings in the Sunnyside Tower in order to gain higher profits with the belief that restricting water flow would result in savings for the company. While the owner may be well-intentioned, several questions about how much water could be actually saved after the adjustment, the cost of restricting water flow and negative influence of the measure on costumers should be addressed before we could evaluate the owner’s prediction.


Second paragraph:

A foremost question is how much water has been saved after the measure was taken?【相应写作要求】

展开：
在没有实际用水数据的情况下，有可能会出现其他情况（scenario）。【相关可能性】
比如，因为水流被限制，住户会花费更长的时间来洗澡，或者是改用浴盆（bath）来洗澡。【具体举例展开讨论这种可能性】
在这种情况下，用户用的总水量可能并没有减少。【这种可能性成立带来的结论】


Third paragraph:

Another question that should be tackled with is how much it would cost to adopt the restriction.【相应写作要求】

展开：
我们都知道对浴头进行改装需要雇请工人，并付给他们人工费（Labor cost）.支付工人的费用会影响公司的收支状况（the cash flow and income statement）。【与上一句有关的可能性】
如果人工费远超过了节水措施剩下的经费（expenditure），那公司在一段时间内是无法增加其利润的。【举例论述可能性】+【这种可能性的结论】

Fourth paragraph:

We may also need to ask whether the residents and potential tenants are really satisfied with the restriction of water flow.

展开：
尽管只有少量的投诉（complaint），但并不能充分表示住客对节流措施是满意的。【复述原题的相关部分】
这些顾客也许会直接去选择别的公司的公寓入住，而不是来投诉对节水措施的不满。【具体举例讨论另外的可能性】
这样的情况下，公司会流失大量顾客（costumer，tenants），减少公司的利润。【这种可能性成立带来的结论】


************************对老师点评的反思**********************************

首先，最好要充分利用题目的信息，紧扣题目。如题目明确告诉你了这是一封信件还是memo，来自哪个哪个人之手。就要充分利用这些信息。

其次就是，我原先的第二点和第三点被老师否定了。我猜测原因在于，这个letter里真正论述的是利润问题。我们就要从利润的角度去考虑，利润=收入-开支。那么凡是影响收入与开支的因素，如老师的范文里提到的：（1）是否真正节水了，（2）施行这个节流措施花费的成本，（3）顾客是否真的满意（不满意直接走掉了，压根不来你这里complain）。每一点都跟利润息息相关，所以非常切题（第一点和第二点影响开支，第三点影响收入）

而我原来发现的逻辑漏洞（2）一个月时间长短不足以发现措施的弊端，（3）这个措施不一定能够成功的对其余9栋楼施行。好像看似都是逻辑漏洞，但其实与利润的直接关系不是特别大。给人一种感觉“为了找错而找错”。
而且在这两点的展开里面，提出的其他可能性都带有点“极端”的性质，并不是常见的可能性。所以被老师推翻了。

以上便是我对老师推翻我提出逻辑漏洞的一点感悟。望对各位水友有所帮助。

fishgoUID: 3607599

刘小帆童鞋 发表于 2015-6-24 19:35
35) The following appeared in a letter from the owner of the Sunnyside Towers apartment complex to i ...

虽然王老师已经点评过了，我还是过来点评一下~
whether one month is enough to find the disadvantage of the measure，这个点我在网上的提纲上也看到了，当时还觉得挺好的，想不到被老师推翻了。
第四段的点我也想到了，这有点像建议外推类，老师说这点也不太合适。。。
发现你写的和我差不多，老师指出你几个开头的用词上面的问题，其实我觉得可以模仿老师的argument的开头，这样比较保险，记住了就好了。

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

fishgo 发表于 2015-6-25 12:33
虽然王老师已经点评过了，我还是过来点评一下~
whether one month is enough to find the disadvantage  ...

哈哈 谢谢点评啊。

话说我也觉得一个月的时间不足以察觉到措施的弊端这个点挺好的，因为仔细想想确实时间很短，不足以说明问题。但是被王老师推翻了，我猜测是因为这个点不好展开吧。估计是没有很好的实际的其他可能性的例子来展开，然后论述这个例子怎么证明一个月的时间不够的。

第四段的点，也被老师推翻了。估计是有点牵强吧。因为题目里可能涉及到了apartment complex，所以公寓，大楼，无外乎就是写字楼，商场，或者是大型酒店什么的。因为这些可以想到的用途，对水流速的需求或者敏感性都不会差太多。除非出现工业用房，那肯定对水流敏感，但是题目开头就说公寓，所以工业用房是不可能的了。所以第四点也被老师认定为牵强吧。说到底，就是展开的时候，举出来其他可能性的例子有点太“极端”，给人感觉是为了推翻作者结论而举的例子，并不是很正常很经常并且很普适的例子。

嗯嗯，开头我会多学学老师的开头。老师的开头就写的很明确，会将题目的信息用的淋漓尽致。

非常感谢你的评语~~~希望我 对于 老师推翻我们认可的逻辑漏洞 的想法对你有启迪。

下面这个链接可以去我习作的楼层，你在楼层的最底下可以看到我对于王老师点评的反思。提出了为什么老师提的点更切题，而我们提的会被推翻，希望对你有所启发。

https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3606137

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

71). The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.
"Traffic here in Waymarsh is becoming a problem. Although just three years ago a state traffic survey showed that the typical driving commuter took 20 minutes to get to work, the commute now takes closer to 40 minutes, according to the survey just completed. Members of the town council already have suggested more road building to address the problem, but as well as being expensive, the new construction will surely disrupt some of our residential neighborhoods. It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville. Last year Garville implemented a policy that rewards people who share rides to work, giving them coupons for free gas. Pollution levels in Garville have dropped since the policy was implemented, and people from Garville tell me that commuting times have fallen considerably. There is no reason why a policy like Garville's shouldn't work equally well in Waymarsh."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


Teacher’s outline:

According to the letter, Waymarsh should introduce a policy similar to that of Garville to encourage more drivers to share rides with others to solve a perceived traffic problem.  This policy will be better than the road building project proposed by the city council.  To evaluate this argument, we need more evidence about the surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy implemented in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, as well as its strengths and weaknesses relative to the road construction plan.  

To begin with, we need to examine the surveys more critically to decide if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh.

这里主要讨论调查对象可能不同以及问卷调查对象的报告是否可靠  也许交通并没有变差

In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will affect people’s behaviors in Waymarsh.

这里主要关注政策是否真的在Garville 奏效 也许pollution减少另有原因 比如政府加强对工厂排污的管理  另外Garville的commute time是否真的减少了 仅凭和当地人谈话是否可靠同时要讨论 gas coupon及share ride在Waymarsh是否被人接受 也许当地人都是土豪 不在乎那点钱 更关注隐私或安全问题  


Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed
road construction project.

修路虽然很贵 但是可以用50年和补贴汽油50年的费用对比如何，对当地人的滋扰可转化为经济补偿，再和补贴汽油的费用对比。总之需要定量数据来对比两种方案


In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the issues discussed above to evaluate the soundness of the argument.

**********************************************************************
结论：
It would be better to follow the example of the nearby city of Garville.
证据：
1. Two surveys showed that drivers spend more time going to their work compared with the commute time three years ago. .
2. The road construction is expensive and may disrupt residents.
3. The policy could decrease commute time and pollution level in Garvile.

**********************************************************************


My essay:

In this letter, the author recommended that the people should share rides in Waymarsh in order to make the commuting time shorter and decrease the pollution level with the belief that similar policy has already been implemented successfully in a nearby city of Garville and thus could also work efficiently in Waymarsh. To evaluate this argument, we need concrete evidence about two surveys indicating the traffic problem, the policy adopted in Garville that is now proposed for Waymarsh, and the advantages and disadvantages of sharing rides relative to the plan of road construction.

To begin with, we need more information about these two surveys to determine if there is indeed a traffic problem in Waymarsh. The samples selected in two surveys might not be strictly the same. Perhaps the first survey is mainly carried out among people who went to work on 5.00 am, whereas the second survey is primarily conducted among individuals who commuted on 7.30 am. As we all know, people surely spend more time commuting at 7.30 than at 5.00 am because there are more cars and traffic congestions at around 7.30. In this situation, these two surveys may not be comparable and thus could not demonstrate that the traffic in Waymarsh is getting worse.

In addition, we need to collect more information about how the policy has changed the traffic in Garville and how a similar policy will influence people’s life in Waymarsh. In the absence of other policies concerning environment in Garville, we could not hastily conclude that sharing rides decrease the pollution level. It is possible that Garville government implemented sharing rides and some other strict rules that is beneficial to local ecosystem simultaneously. In this situation, we could not guarantee that the pollution was decreased by the policy of sharing rides alone. Meanwhile, whether the commute time has decreased could not be simply judged through conversation with local residents. Granted that the policy works efficiently in Garville, the policy may not exert an excellent influence in Waymarsh. Perhaps average people in Waymarsh are rich and thus would not be attracted by the coupons. Instead, they usually care more about security and privacy problems that might be caused by sharing rides with others. Therefore, the similar policy would not work well in Waymarsh.

Finally, we need to compare the cost and benefits of the ride sharing policy with the proposed road construction project. While building a new road seems expensive, the road could actually be used in approximately 50 years. If the government did not build the road, it would need to give coupons to drivers for 50 years. Which one is more expensive, building a new road or the total cost of coupons in 50 years? We need specific data about the comparison of costs between two measures to evaluate which measure would be more economical.

In conclusion, while the proposed policy seems useful, we need to collect more information to address the abovementioned issues to assess the soundness of the argument.


***************************后记***************************************
因为要限时写作，老师在提纲里提到的“打扰居民转化为经济补偿，然后将修路与经济补偿加起来的费用和 免费汽油券的 费用做对比”，这一点我没时间展开写，而且我写的不简洁。感觉浪费了好多字数和时间。所以最后一个自然段没有把老师提纲里的点全部囊括进去。

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

***************************构思过程************************************

拿到这个题，开始纠结于不知道怎么回应题目。总是试图挖一些特别深层次，看起来高大上的学历史的优点。
最后发现太深奥的优点自己驾驭不了。就干脆从简单的入手。

还是老师的1+3.我不同意题目，自然要找出三个优点。其中1和2是说明跟以往的人不一样。mentally and physically我是从学雅思作文的时候借鉴过来的（雅思题目是论述电视对青少年的危害，就从身体和心灵两个方面说的）。


第三个点，其实不知道合适不合适。最开始直接想到的就是二战，惨无人道。然后后面想起了看过战争的电视剧里强调过日内瓦公约是不允许杀害俘虏及伤害没有武装的老百姓。就放进来了。

不知道这么写有没有跑题。

**********************************************************************


57) The main benefit of the study of history is to dispel the illusion that people living now are significantly different from people who lived in earlier times.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


My Outline:


Thesis statement:
I strongly disagree with the abovementioned statement as it overemphasizes the similarities between people who live at present and those who lived in the past. In my point of view, learning history actually enables us to realize that people living in this world are different from their ancestors, both physically and mentally. In addition, people can also learn about mistakes of past societies and thus avoid the similar ones.

这个主旨句挺不错

Top sentence 1:
Physically, humankind in this world is generally stronger and live longer than those living in the early times.  

展开：
人们的生活质量提高，医疗条件变好，导致人们身体越来越健康。
举例1：奥运会的每项记录从最早的那一届到现在已经提升了非常多。
举例2：人们平均寿命变长了很多。


Top sentence 2:
Mentally, individuals are differently from their ancestor regarding ideology.

举例1：妇女的平等。以前女人被人们认为是卑微的（pimping），现在人们通常会尊重女性（ladies first）。
举例2：随着物理学的深入，越来越多的自然现象可以被科学解释。破除神的禁锢。

这两个例子好像差距太大 放在同一段不合适 另外 你要解释例子如何支持论点 一个例子讲清楚就不错了

Top sentence 3：
Additionally, people learning some mistakes that happened in the past could try their best to avoid such errors in order to avoid exerting negative influences on the whole mankind.

举例：人们从二战里了解到了战争的可怕，即伤害贫民（citizen），刺杀俘虏（capture）。因此从二战后，各国达成一致，禁止伤害战俘（日内瓦公约Geneva conventions）。

平民？ civilians
prisoner of war  
主题句要回应题目中的关键词 benefits  



Conclusion:
In conclusion, the benefits of learning history are to realize the difference between people living at present and their ancestors and to avoid precedent mistakes. Therefore, history, like great treasure, could be studied further and gives us inspiration.



***********************第二稿（修改部分标记粉色）****************************
My Outline:


Thesis statement:
I strongly disagree with the abovementioned statement as it overemphasizes the similarities between people who live at present and those who lived in the past. In my point of view, learning history actually enables us to realize that people living in this world are different from their ancestors, both physically and mentally. In addition, people can also learn about mistakes of past societies and thus avoid the similar ones.

Top sentence 1:
Physically, humankind in this world is generally stronger and live longer than those living in the early times.  

展开：
人们的生活质量提高，医疗条件变好，导致人们身体越来越健康。
举例1：奥运会的每项记录从最早的那一届到现在已经提升了非常多。
举例2：人们平均寿命变长了很多。
也就是说现代的人们身体上普遍比过去的人要强壮和长寿。

Top sentence 2:
Mentally, individuals are different from their ancestor regarding ideology.

举例1：妇女的平等。
人们的思想意识中，女性的地位不断提升。过去，女性是卑微的，没有太多的权利，如不具有投票权
（suffrage）。而现在，女性不仅享有跟男性一样的权利，而且还常常受到尊重，如礼让妇女优先上地铁。
这说明，人们对女性的思想意识在转变。因而就思想层面来说，现在的人们与过去的人们是不同的。

Top sentence 3：
Additionally, people could also benefit from learning about mistakes that happened in the past and thus try to avoid such similar errors in order to avoid exerting negative influences on the whole mankind.


举例：人们从二战里了解到了战争的可怕，伤害许多平民（civilian），刺杀俘虏（prisoner of war）。因此从二战后，各国达成一致，制订了日内瓦公约（Geneva conventions），禁止伤害战俘与手无寸铁的老百姓（unarmed civilian）。这样避免了大批无辜人群因战争被杀害的情况再次出现，从而保护了平民与战俘的安全。



Conclusion:
In conclusion, the benefits of learning history are to realize the difference between people living at present and their ancestors and to avoid precedent mistakes. Therefore, history, like great treasure, could be studied further and gives us inspiration.

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

7) Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.


Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.


My Outline:


Thesis statement:
Whether government should allocate fund on the arts causes a debate among people. Some people claim that it is necessary and useful for government to fund the arts since such funds could guarantee the prosperity of arts and enable every individual to be accessible to arts. Others suppose that funding of the arts tends to exert a negative influence on the integrity of arts. Hence, it would be better for government to provide financial support to arts through a special committee that is independent on government.


Top sentence 1:
To begin with, Government funding of the arts is crucially important as it can ensure prosperity of the arts and make arts available to all individuals.

展开：
艺术作品需要空间和平台来展现，如果政府不帮助这些艺术家建立博物馆或者开展博览会，那么这些艺术作品将无法呈现在大众面前，不会被大众知晓。
同时，越来越少的人了解艺术，整个社会对艺术将会是一种冷漠，不知的态度。艺术将变得萧条。因此，政府的资助是非常重要的。

Top sentence 2:
Sometimes, the integrity of the arts might be weakened by government funding of the arts.

展开：
政府倾向于资助那些能够帮助他们更好宣传政治教育的艺术。如许多赞成当局政府的漫画，歌曲将会得到政府资助，大肆宣传而广为流传。而其他一些漫画或者歌曲将会被人遗忘。


Top sentence 3：
Considering the abovementioned two points, I personally suppose that there would a better way for government to support the arts. An independent commission could be established and allocate the government funds in a appropriate way that is not influenced by politics.

展开：
这个机构应该由一些艺术家来担任，而不是政府官员。政府可以控制给这个机构多少经费，但是不能干涉这个机构如何分配这笔经费。这样，这个机构可以客观的评估各类艺术的需求，然后公正的分配资助经费，使得艺术不为政治所干扰，因而全面性得到保障。


Conclusion：
Considering the advantages and potential disadvantages of government funding of the arts, I supposes the better way to solve this seemingly paradoxical issue is to establish a special committee that could offer financial aids to the arts in a politically neutral way.

*****************************后记**************************************
拿到题目真的不知道怎么去构思。我试着把艺术分类，分成需要资助的，能够自给自足的。但是说不清楚哪些是需要资助，哪些自给自足。也许真的是老师说的那句，像我们这样的英文水平去谈艺术，真的是自寻死路。

最后借鉴了老师的思路，感觉老师思路真的很赞！符合写作要求了，就是you should address both of the views presented，这体现在第二段和第三段。同时，又提出了自己认为更好的观点。

获益匪浅！感谢老师~

刘小帆童鞋UID: 3606137

1) Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.


Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


结论：
So-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

证据：
Palean baskets have been found in Lithos;
Brim river is very deep and broad and thus the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat;
No Palean boats have been found;


My outline:

First paragraph:
In this argument, the author points out that the so-called baskets were not uniquely Palean. To support his/her conclusion, the author employs a variety of evidence, including the location of Lithos and the transport that could be used by Paleans. Before we could assess the soundness of the argument, we need more evidence about the dept as well as width of Brim river, whether residents in Palea had the ability to make boats and other possible people who came to Palea firstly and then Lithos.

Second paragraph:
To begin with, we need more information about the width and depth of the river in ancient times.

展开：作者通过现在河很深很宽判定过去很深很宽，这是不科学的。
有可能，河流过去很浅很窄，那么Palea的人们可以带着花篮步行过河，并将花篮留在Lithos。
这样，作者无法得出花篮不唯一属于Palean的结论。

Third paragraph:
Granted that the river was deep and broad in the ancient times, we still need concrete evidence to show that people in Palea did not had the ability to make boats.

展开：
作者将没有发现船只这一证据视作 P的人不会制造船。显然是不合理的。
有可能P的人曾经会造船，并且确实制造了船出来，乘船将花篮带去了L镇。只是后来，可能船被烧了或者是因为坏天气销毁了。
所以现代人无法发现船只，但并不代表P的人没有乘船去过L。
因而这种情况下，作者也不能说花篮不唯一是P的。

Fourth paragraph:
Even if residents in Palea could not make boats, we still need evidence to demonstrate that there was not any other people who had more advanced technology at that time came to Palea firstly and then went to Lithos.

展开：
想象，如果有第三方文明，他们拥有当时先进的技术。他们会造船。他们乘船来P，拿到了花篮，去了L镇，把花篮卖给L的人们，即commercial trade。
这种情况下，作者也不能说花篮不唯一是P的.

Conclusion:
In order to evaluate the argument, we need abovementioned evidence. In the absence of these evidence, it is unreasonable to conclude that the baskets were not uniquely Palean.