7月13日 Zoe4346-2015AW暑期同主题写作训练

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

作文训练贴

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授权声明

本人为寄托ID：Zoe4346的持有人，现通过寄托论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本帖中本人的习作及互改记录做教学与科研用途。


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英语学习背景

2014年GRE作文3分

下次GRE考试时间：9月6日

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Zoe4346UID: 3621760

目录：
3楼  7月13日 同主题练习 issue 15 已批改
4楼  7月14日 同主题练习 argument 32 已批改
5楼  7月15日 同主题练习 issue 13 已批改
6楼  7月16日 同主题练习 argument 87 已批改
9楼  13-14号的汇总
10楼  7月20日 同主题练习 issue 91 已批改
11楼  7月21日 同主题练习 argument 54 已批改
12楼  7月22日 同主题练习 issue 78 已批改
17楼  7月23日 同主题练习 argument 62 已批改
18楼  7月27日 同主题练习 issue 100 已批改
19楼  7月28日 同主题练习 argument 100 已批改
20楼  7月29日 同主题练习 issue 105

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

2015-7-13同主题练习ISSUE 15
观看范文的启发：（第一次弄这个不会操作，已经第5次重写了）
1）首先是主题句的把握很很重要，老师的观点阐述得很清晰，我可能思考逻辑性不强，经常会跑偏，跟着老师的思路写对建立整体框架很有帮助，但是那个challenge的要求我没有明白；
2）句式的的把握，without X, something bad will happen，without X, something bad will happen老师这里的句式还是比较多样，而我经常写下去就很单调；
3）单词转换，我是重新开始准备考G，之前背的单词现在很不熟，所以很多单词想不起来怎么用，有个词lucrative我觉得用得比较频繁；
4）同意转换能力真的很重要，文章表述经常要重复观点，不能总用一种方法。

第一次联系，比较久用了一个多小时[tr] [/tr]

para 1.	作用	内容点评	句子点评
I am totally to disagree with the view  point that educational  institutions should encourage students to  choose their major just for lucrative careers.	表明自己的观点		am to表达有问题
Primarily,  you could never  guarantee a major to earn a certain lucrative career in the future;	主旨句1		这里不要用you guarantee a major to earn a 搭配有问题
moreover, it would be no or less  motivation to strive if students just choose their fields for better careers  but not for interest.	主旨句2		大写 it would be no or less  motivation 表达有问题 搭配
While some educational institutions are  willing to cultivate students  in lucrative fields for future  wealthy alumni, they may lost their values and dissppoint students.	主旨句3		lost- lose
para 2.
To begin with, no majors are able to  ensure the students could get   lucrative careers without any problems in the future .	主题句1		without any problems 指代不明 什么问题
There are so many factors that could  inflluence a student's future career including solid knowledge, strong  learning skills and a booming industry environment which is able to attract  more opportunities. Sometimes a favorable background and certain luck also  account.	提出其他因素		attract  more opportunities搭配 favorable background 指什么？ account用法
To some eatent it can't be denied that  some majors in cretain fields such as finance and acomputer science can  increase the possibility to get lucrative careers since these fields are  highly developing. But the keys for the students to be successful are not  monotonous as it mentioned above.	让步		extent these fields are  highly developing 不懂 the keys for the students to be successful are not  monotonous不懂
In a word, it quite ideal to treat some hot majors as the best  choices that can "prepare " students for lucrative careers.	总结主旨句		it quite ideal to treat ？ 不懂 + 语法问题
para 3.
For another reason, studying not for  interests could possibly lead to weary or tire of study.	主题句2		For another reason 过渡有问题 study一般及物 lead to weary or tire of study不要瞎写
Without genuine interests, students may  easily lost their motivation to study hard or their initiative to explore  complex concepts if they just driven by the no guarantee future	解释主题句		lose are driven
Therefore  they may not get well  performance in both study and ability in all probably, which could lead to  poor  competence to meet the requirement of future employers of  lucrative  jobs.	进一步解释		get well  performance搭配
Even sometimes they could get a well-paid  work fortunately,they still can't enjoy their work everyday.So it's a slim  hope to perform well in the work without enthusiastic and active. And the  dream for lucrative careers shatters finally.	让步假设，强调主旨句		fortunately用法 a slim  hope搭配
para 4.
However, some people may argue that  educational institution can  cultivate more successful alumni by  encouraging more students to choose  lucrative field so that the  successful graduates could then donate a lot to school.	主题句3		a lot of ...
Certainly,the  more fianacial assistant could better equip the school both in shool  facilities and teaching resources. It could be a chain reaction that the  school could get higher reputation and more good students.	对对方挑战的解释		equip the school both in shool  facilities and teaching resources表达
				What is overloooked in the reasoning is  the possibility that students who may can't get lucrative careers after  studying majors they were encouraged to choose or do not enjoy their careers  due to the lack of interests may not be willing or able to donate quite a  large quantity of money to the schools.	反驳观点
para 5.
In general, it's irrational to  encourage  students to prepare for  lucrative careers by choosing some certain majors which seems to be  promising. Not only for uncertainty of the these majors in the future scince  no one can guarantee its prosperty, but also from the perspective of  students, they won't compel themselves keep learning or working on what they  are not intersted in.	主旨句1+2

语言表达问题非常严重
感觉你就是再凭自己的感觉造句 完全不考虑这个句子的结构和单词的用法是否符合英语的习惯
写的时候也没有回忆一下自己以前见过类似的用法没  
我建议你需要写这么长的文章了 改写短一些的文章 确保不要出现自己没有把握的表达

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

argument 32
很久没有写过argument，又因为上次写issue太随意，写得不好，这次写得比较慢，也用了将近1个小时。
收获：
      我第一遍理解完老师写的然后自己开始写的时候有点乱，就是不知道要怎么模仿老师，然后前两段几乎是按着老师的顺序写的，第三第四段由于和第二段一样的套路所以写得渐渐上手了。因为我目前写作的水平还比较低， 所以假设内容全是按照老师给的范文写的，不知道会不会养成不独立思考的习惯。里面有几个短语我觉得老师用得很好，比如hanging out ，adopting the proposal，the gap in...这次写作写写改改，就怕老师说我写得看不懂，希望有点小进步。

para 1.	作用	内容点评	句子点评
The vice president believes that shortening the three work  shifts can reduce the on-the-job accidents and increase productivity  because workers can get more sleep. But  this conclusion is based on some assumptions about the causes of fewer  accidents in Panoply, the relation among fatigue, sleep deprivation and  accidents are not identified and it needs to be reexamined.	概括		but这句话写到后面结构出了问题
para 2.
To begin wth, it's assumed that the longer work hours are the  main reason why Quiot has 30% more accidents than Panoply. However, this  assumption is not totally true that some other reasons could also contribute  a lot to the higher number of accidents. For example, the working conditions  in Quiot may be much more dangerous than that in Panoply, or there may be  fewer workers in Panoply. These can both lead to higher riskes of accidents.  And if these are the main reasons for the gap in the numbers of accidents, then the  messure to shorten the work shifts would not help close the gap since it will  neither make the working conditions safer nor decrease the number of workers.	质疑假设一		is not totally true that 句子结构有问题  而且否定假设不符合题目要求 其他几句写得还可以
para 3.
Another assumption is that by shortening the work shifts the  Quiot workers would certainly get enough amounts of sleep and not feel tired  during the work. But there are many factors may affect the amount of sleep  and the fatigue feeling of the workers. For instance, the workers are not  willing to use extra hours to sleep because of their low salary in Quiot and  they would rather do a part-time job. And maybe some workers are used to the  lifestyle that they hanging out  and holding parties untill deep nights,  which are the main reasons for their sleep deprivation. So if sleep  deprivation and fatigue are caused by the reasons mentioned above, then adopting the proposal would not  change the results.	质疑假设二		there be 句型错误 the  lifestyle that they hanging out  句子结构问题 注意hedging
para 4.
The third assumption is that enough amouts of sleep will  definitely reduce the number of accidents. Generally, even reducing the work  hours can help the workers to get more sleep, the recommendation may still  not reduce the accidents number. Because there could be some other factors  leading to the accidents in Quiot. For example, the machines in the plant are  too old to promise its safety, or the workers are not well trained and they  don't obey the rules of operation. All these reasons could also result in  accidents. So if the assumption that addressing fatigue and sleep deprivation  would not reduce the accidents, the recommendation should not be put to use.	质疑假设三		because后面不能跟独立句子 promise its safety搭配 最后一句句子结构有问题
para 5.
In conclusion, those assumptions above are indeterminate, we  should find more information about the factors caused the accidents and how  shorter work hours affect the amouts of sleep. So the solution based on the  assumptions cannot be accepted wihout evaluating.	总结		evaluating what

语言表达问题仍然很严重

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

issue 13
写issue最大的问题除了我本身写作语言表达能力，还有就是思路，这篇主要内容也是参考老师的几个要点和写法。

用了47分钟，可能今天比较晚比较安静写得比较快，可能又有很多表达问题。。。:L
你要是用表格的话 每句话一行而不是一段一行 如果嫌麻烦也可以不用表格 都可以

para 1.	作用	内容点评	句子点评
In this competitive world, a college degree can no longer  guarantee a good job or career success. Some people think that students  should be encouraged to take a variety of courses outside their major to  broaden  the field of vision and it is  good for their future, while some other people will argue that there is no  necessary to learn so many courses beyond their majors and it will not do any  help to their future. As far as i am concerned, taking courses outside one's  major can benifit one's academic study, development of citizenship as well as  future career.	背景+两种观点+自己的观点		there is no  necessary语法 it指代
para 2.
To begin with, taking courses in other fields can help students  to deal with difficulties more effectively from different perspectives and in  various ways. Take the students in transportation planning as examples. By  taking courses in programming, they can use coding to do some simulations and  decide the best traffic signal timing plan. And through courses on  psychology, they can also know that how the sudden incidents affect drivers,  so they can choose the suitble headway as a standard headway.	从academic角度		choose the suitble headway as a standard headway.
para 3.
Learning some courses in other fields can also cultivate  students to become more resiponsible citizens who are capable of making  informed decisions on different social issues.For example, the sudents who  major in science an technology can know more about political issues by taking  courses in history and economics. And the students who major in  literature will have good logic thinking  and analytical skills after taking courses in mathematics. The well-educated  citizens with collective wisdom will greatly promote social progress, and the  students with wide range of knowledge can become such kinds of eniment  citizens.	从citizenship角度	你的例子如何支持主题句所说的become more responsible citizens呢 没有解释啊
para 4.
Some people may argue that students should only take the courses  which are beneficial for students' future. Actually, some courses outside the  students' field of study can also do a great help to their future  development. For instance, it's important for students who major in science  engineering to take writing courses so that they can better finish their  papers which are submitted for publication. Besides, the goal of higher  education is to cultivate students with independent thinking and learning  abilities. so it is very shortsighted to overwhelm the importance of courses  in other fields and students should be encouraged to learn more knowledge.	从career  development角度并回应挑战	主题句里没有career 和主旨句内容不符	better finish their  papers which are submitted for publication 表达 overwhelm the importance选词搭配
para 5.
In conclusion, given the great benefits of taking courses of  other fields, I agree with the idea that   students should take courses outside their major. It will not only  improve students' academic performance and their development of citizenship,  but also helpful for their future careers.	总结

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

今天这篇用了不到40分钟，比上次有进步，感觉写argument文章布局比较清晰，但是我每次想假设和理由的时候没办法像老师那样一大类一大类区分，我会一团乱。

汗 我在4楼的留言你看到了么 你要是用表格的话 每句话一行而不是一段一行 如果嫌麻烦也可以不用表格 都可以  
你要是用表格的话 每句话一行而不是一段一行 如果嫌麻烦也可以不用表格 都可以
你要是用表格的话 每句话一行而不是一段一行 如果嫌麻烦也可以不用表格 都可以  

之前写第四篇的时候还没有第三篇的点评所以不知道这个要求:L

The university of Waymarsh has done two researches about the reading materials of Waymarsh citizens. One said that most respondents preferred literacy classics while the other one found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries was the mystery novel. So it is concluded that the first study must have lied about their reading habits.


我忘了第一段用了多久，我就是把题目转述了一遍


在段末缺了一句主旨句 没有概括后面的内容 也没有回应题目的要求  


To begin with, the author thinks that more mystery novels to be checked out means the citizens prefer them than literary classics. But we need to know the number of the literary classics available in the libraries. If there are fewer such books on shelves, it would be no surprise that readers would turn to other books like mystery novels. Meanwhile, the frequency of books being checked out can not sufficiently explain citizens' reading habits. Besides, we need also consider that patrons are more willing to read literary classics in the library instead of checking them out

prefer a to b
frequency explain 搭配
从下一段看你是写assumption  但是你整段都没有提到assumption 不回应题目要求 你这段就废掉了  而且题目要求你说假设成立或不成立的implications



　
Another assumption is that the public libraries are the only source of literary classics. However, it possible that there are some large private libraries with a lot of literary classics available, which attracts many citizens. Or people  may buy the physical literary classics because they can collect them and read them frequently. And in this electronic age, more and more people would like to read on their pads or kindles, so citizens can also download the e-books from the internet without fee.


题目要求你说假设成立或不成立的implications


Finally, we need to more information about the first study, including the respondents samples and the range of books being researched. For example, if the study was conducted in the universities where there is a higher proportion of lierary classics readers, then most of the respondents would like to choose literary classics. In addition, the types of books listed in the questionnaire may be limited and the choice for "mystery novels" was not on it. So some messages may be coverred but not misrepresented.

assumption又不见了 额滴神啊



In conclusion, there are some stated and unstated assumptions in this argument, we need more evidence about the public libraries ,the reading habits and the design of the survey .

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Zoe4346 发表于 2015-7-16 22:21
今天这篇用了不到40分钟，比上次有进步，感觉写argument文章布局比较清晰，但是我每次想假设和理由的时候没 ...

请编辑后回复我

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

tesolchina 发表于 2015-7-17 20:08
请编辑后回复我

之前写第四篇的时候还没有第三篇的点评所以不知道这个要求:L

The university of Waymarsh has done two researches about the reading materials of Waymarsh citizens. One said that most respondents preferred literacy classics while the other one found that the type of book most frequently checked out of each of the public libraries was the mystery novel. So it is concluded that the first study must have lied about their reading habits.
我忘了第一段用了多久，我就是把题目转述了一遍

To begin with, the author thinks that more mystery novels to be checked out means the citizens prefer them than literary classics. But we need to know the number of the literary classics available in the libraries. If there are fewer such books on shelves, it would be no surprise that readers would turn to other books like mystery novels. Meanwhile, the frequency of books being checked out can not sufficiently explain citizens' reading habits. Besides, we need also consider that patrons are more willing to read literary classics in the library instead of checking them out

Another assumption is that the public libraries are the only source of literary classics. However, it possible that there are some large private libraries with a lot of literary classics available, which attracts many citizens. Or people  may buy the physical literary classics because they can collect them and read them frequently. And in this electronic age, more and more people would like to read on their pads or kindles, so citizens can also download the e-books from the internet without fee.

Finally, we need to more information about the first study, including the respondents samples and the range of books being researched. For example, if the study was conducted in the universities where there is a higher proportion of lierary classics readers, then most of the respondents would like to choose literary classics. In addition, the types of books listed in the questionnaire may be limited and the choice for "mystery novels" was not on it. So some messages may be coverred but not misrepresented.

In conclusion, there are some stated and unstated assumptions in this argument, we need more evidence about the public libraries ,the reading habits and the design of the survey .

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

这是我大学第一次这样子找老师改作文，一直都不太喜欢写作文，以前高中的时候字数要求还很少，也不会觉得烦，所以写雅思或是GRE作文要求字数很多的时候都感觉写不下去，然后一个同学推荐我参加这个辅导，不得不说，收获良多。
在语言表达方面最主要的问题就是很多语法我都是凭借语感写的，但大学很少背书念英语，语感其实弱了很多，但我还是习惯性这样子，有时候不太记得某个词的用法我经常都是跟着感觉写的，还有就是有些词并没有很好地理解其意思，有点乱用，这就导致了老师常说我的表达问题很严重。内容问题的话主要还是自己对这个写作过程，段落安排，点题的句子安排什么没有一个整体的了解，经常是按照老师的提纲来，所以自己写得挺盲目的，还有就是我的每个段落的分类很难像老师写得那么清晰，常常写到一半才想起某个假设的反例，然后才加到前面，没有一个好的整体性分析。
之前没有看到老师那些汇总贴，这周要多学习学习，尽量减少在语法表达上的失误，自己学习分析掌握整个文章脉络，继续努力！坚持就是胜利！谢谢老师的辅导！

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

91) The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that they have more leisure time.

我是属于语言表达很不好的，只写了前两段~

Nowadays,technologies' rapid development constantly drives the economic development.So it's  important to think about the goal of technology and its consequences. I agree with the statement that primary goal of technology development is to increse people's efficiency in a variety of activities. But it is not sure that people will have and enjoy more leisure time because of the roles they play in society and the goals they persur in their lives.
第一段用了6分钟，主要是刚才看了老师写的那段，我比较喜欢有背景铺垫，所以也用了老师的说法。

文中有些拼写错误 可以自己订正一下  论坛都有红色下划波浪线了  
逗号和句号之后要空格  
it is not sure that - 选词
because of the different roles ...


For students and reserchers in higher education,they need to spend more time on acdemic studying and researching with efficient development of technologies like the computers and Internet.It means that the digital development has greatly improved the efficiency of searching for acdemic references and materials for self-learning,but the students and reserchers will not have more leisure time. Actually, with the edhanced efficiency comes the increasing pressure to accomplish more within a shorter period of time.College students are encouraged to learn more by taking lessons in traditional classrooms as well as online platform and to persue double or triple majors.And researchers will also scrifice their personal time to keep up with the explosion of acdemic articles which are availble in digital forms, it will help them produce more and better articles to survive in a "publish or perish" world.

这段要重新写了 因为我的范文也修改了  主要是要更强调should  
感觉你这段的逻辑思路也不是很清晰 要再考虑一下   




acdemic studying- academic studies
with efficient development of technologies like the computers and Internet- with the help of different computing tools to increase their efficiency in ...


这一段老师的范文里我有两个地方我特别喜欢，“with the enhanced efficiency comes the increasing pressure to accomplish more within a shorter period of time”和“ keep up with the explosion of scholarly works now available in digital forms and produce their own journal articles to survive in a “publish or perish” world.”我看的时候还特地背了一下但是写的时候又忘了一些。 因为这一段有整理要点感觉写得比之前顺畅用了8分钟。

模仿句型确实是很好的提高方法 加油

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

54) Humans arrived in the Kaliko Islands about 7,000 years ago, and within 3,000 years most of the large mammal species that had lived in the forests of the Kaliko Islands had become extinct. Yet humans cannot have been a factor in the species' extinctions, because there is no evidence that the humans had any significant contact with the mammals. Further, archaeologists have discovered numerous sites where the bones of fish had been discarded, but they found no such areas containing the bones of large mammals, so the humans cannot have hunted the mammals. Therefore, some climate change or other environmental factor must have caused the species' extinctions.

不知道什么时候可以写全文，这次写的还是前两段，可能因为题目已经给几种假设分好类了自己思路比较清晰。

The author argues that the climate changes and environmental factors instead of human activities are responsible for the extinctions of large mammals and there are no significant evidence of contact between humans and large mammals. The author also claims that they found some sites with discarded fish bones and they did not find such sites with mammals bones, so it’s believed that humans cannot have hunted mammals. We need to examine these assumptions carefully to decide if the argument is true.

these assumptions指的是什么assumption
前面概括这么多貌似有点浪费时间啊 真正的假设哪几项木有写出来  


To begin with, it is assumed that the absence of evidence for the contact between humans and mammals means that there is no such contact. Absolutely, the possible contact would have been occurred from 7000 years ago to 4000 years ago and most of the traces must have faded away over the long period of time. For example, （注意hedging） archaeologists cannot find the traps which were set up to hunt and kill large mammals because of the geological movement and climate change. Besides, some ancient humans could have been killed during the fight against large mammals so that they did not leave some records to their offsprings. In other words, we cannot be certainly sure that there is no contact between humans and large mammals simply because we did not find the evidence.

Absolutely, 选词  
been occurred 动词形式  



这次我觉得我的思路和老师的几乎一致，写的时候我还是按老师的范文列了几个要点写的，就是感觉写的每句话都比较长，我很喜欢老师的一些很利落的用法，比如absence of evidence，the possible contact我自己写的时候没有记住所以很冗长，是后来改成老师的这些小短语。

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

78) People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by society as a whole.

还是写的前两段

As we know, attitudes of individuals towards different issues are determined largely by immediate situation or surrounding, society as a whole and the interaction between them. In my opinion, our attitudes are fundamentally shaped by the society through education, media and government policies which are also affected by the immediate situation and surroundings.

你如果是按范文的思路 主旨句最后的从句意思就反了


Education is an important social institution to influence and shape our attitudes. For example, we are willing to respect the old and help people in need because that we are taught a golden rule: “ Treat people the way you want to be treated.” since we were children. So one of the basic social etiquette is to offering seats to someone in need, such as the old and the pregnant passengers, and most of us will do this without doubts. Moreover, this golden rule also initiates the thinking about the relation between humans and environment. As a result, people now are making more and more efforts to protect the environment to keep the balance of the world. That is how education affects our attitudes.

initiates the thinking 搭配
你这一段基本脱离了题目所说的社会对态度的影响 也没有回应周围环境这个关键词  
你如果是模仿范文的话 最好再仔细读一下范文中间段是如何展开的  
我的中间段后面一部分是在展开讨论社会决定周围的环境



我觉得今天这篇好难，我刚拿到题目的时候一直在考虑要怎么比较，要怎么分别举例子，老师这里将social的影响细化成education,media还有government后我才觉得有想法。不过一开始我也觉得老师这个好像都只是写society的影响，然后看到群里老师的对类似问题的回答我才明白。 但是以前写过的类似内容我都是两种因素各写一段，然后写一段自己偏向于哪一部分或是两者的共同作用，不知道这个思路可不可以？
最后我还是按照老师的思路写，老师举了让座的例子我也就直接用了，还有那句“Treat people the way you want to be treated"
不知道什么时候可以写全文？

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Zoe4346 发表于 2015-7-13 20:35
目录：
3楼  7月13日 同主题练习 issue 15
4楼  7月14日 同主题练习 argument 32

有空更新一下批改状态

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Zoe4346 发表于 2015-7-23 00:44
78) People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by soc ...

我觉得你还需要仔细阅读和模仿范文吧 这道题比较难 你如果想写全文 可以去找一道好写一点的  

Zoe4346UID: 3621760

Zoe4346 发表于 2015-7-23 00:44
78) People’s attitudes are determined more by their immediate situation or surroundings than by soc ...

我想写的是社会中的教育对态度的影响，因为我们从小被教育Treat people the way you want to be treated，这就有了让座这个基本礼仪，然后我们遇到需要座位的人就会主动让座，即我们的态度，我是这样理解教育对态度的影响。